Third Party
by Lyrical Soul

"Don't, Watson..."


"I was about to wake him, Holmes."


"Let him sleep. Poor Lestrade. It was a tiring evening for him."


"Yes, your lectures can be rather drawn out."


"I meant the chase and subsequent capture of Claude de Brunhill."




"And I was most certainly not lecturing. I was merely pointing out the flaws in his pursuit of the case, Watson."


"Best described as a soliloquy then."


"You wound me."


"And he is snoring!"


"You snore also."


"I live here, and pay my share in order to sleep as I like. Guests, even ones we know as well as we know Lestrade, should not snore."


"But look at him, Watson. The lines around the eyes and mouth, the haggardness, even in sleep. If this is a place where he is comfortable enough to let down his guard, why would you rob him of that?"


"He's been sleeping for nearly an hour! And as much I enjoy our Thursday evening meetings with the Inspector, I have other plans, and they do not involve a third party."


"I, too, have plans. A duet of sorts. And while Lestrade is most certainly not a part of said plans, I do not think waking him and shoving him out the door is proper etiquette."


"I wasn't going to shove him out, Holmes. It's just.. well, it's an important anniversary. That is, if one counts such things…"


"One most certainly does, Watson. As if I would be so callous as to forget the significance of this day."


"Yes, well, one never knows what you find significant. And see there! He's getting saliva on the settee."


"There has been far worse there."

"Holmes, you are not helping."


"Glaring at Lestrade is not helping, either."


"I bought champagne."




"Yes. There is pate de fois gras, and a fine wedge of brie. Which you can spread on those savoury biscuits you pretend not to like, but I know you hoard them in the bottom of your chest of drawers."


"Mr. Carr's biscuits? Oh, Watson, you do spoil me. And your talent for finding my hidden treasures improves daily."


"I shall not rise to the bait – literally, or figuratively."


"A pity."


"At any rate, I cannot share such things with you if he's lying there, snoring."


"That is true. But, as he was so kind to you during my… absence, assisting you in your fledging career as an amateur detective and police surgeon, how can you begrudge him his rest?"


"Because he's preventing me my well-planned evening!"


"Do calm yourself, Watson. He'll awaken soon."


"Hmph. One would think you were not interested in my plans at all."


"Oh, I assure you, dear boy, I am very interested."


"Oh, yes, I forgot. Pate de fois gras never fails to bring you to your knees."


"True, but it is not the only thing that has the power to do so."




"Ah, yes, Watson, it is not wise to discuss such things with an officer of the law snoring away in our sitting room."


"It is not I who continues to talk out of turn. And it isn't as though he could possibly hear us with all the noise he's making."


"He's trained to hear things. I am certain he's particularly attuned to hearing conversations about vices."


"Fine. I shall say no more. You silence yourself as well."


"You are positively beastly when your needs aren't met, Watson."


"It's been a while, Holmes. In fact, it's been seventeen days-"


"Fourteen hours, and nearly nine minutes. I am well aware that some time has passed since we were last together. Perhaps I should play my violin. Music does calm the savage beast, they say."


"Do whatever you'd like, Holmes. I shall retire to the wintry comfort of my bed."


"You'll do no such thing. Stand there, by the window, and listen. Perhaps you'll be so moved, you will come up with a title for our little adventure this past week."


"The Case of the Celibate Doctor sounds perfect."


"Hah! Quiet now, and listen… "


"Hmm… you do have a way with the bow..."


"You have said."


"Let us not forget the presence of the snoring Inspector, Holmes."


"I was not being facetious."


"So you say. The melody is exquisite... what is this piece called?"


"Intimate Frustrations in D major."


"How fitting. Continue to saw away, and perhaps the resulting tension will cause the strings to break, thus perfecting your concerto."


"Put away your bull-pup, my dear Watson. Hope is on the horizon."




"Yes. Look… he's rousing even as we speak."


"Oh, I'm sorry, gentlemen… did I drop off?"


"Indeed you did, Inspector. I'm sure it has been a rather frustrating week for you."


"Well, yes, Mr. Holmes, I suppose it has. But I do beg your pardon for being so rude."


"Not at all. You are always welcome at Baker Street."


"I'll be going now. My wife has been known to bolt the door when I don't come home as I should."


"I understand completely, Lestrade. Here's your hat. And please, have a few humbugs for your journey home."


"You're too kind, Dr. Watson. Though I do have something for you…  I think you'll find great pleasure  in these."


"Tickets to hear Joachim, Holmes! Lestrade, this is too much…"


"Simply a small token to show my appreciation for your assistance in criminal matters."


"You will be billed as usual, Inspector. Such a gesture is not necessary."


"I know, but I thought something from me personally would go a long way in showing my gratitude. Besides, the unfortunate chap who held these tickets will no longer be able to use. And I know of no one else who would enjoy Joachim."


"Your wife, surely…?"


"Doctor, please. If she wishes to attend, I would have to do so also. Please take them, with my sincere thanks. And maybe you will look upon them as an anniversary present of sorts."


"We are commemorating the fact that it has been exactly one year since I returned from the dead, Lestrade."


"Along with a few other facts, if I heard correctly, Mr. Holmes. While I cannot imagine how such a thing came about, I do not begrudge either of you your happiness, if that is what you have found. I wish you both well."


"You do us a great justice, Inspector."


"Yes, well… I'll be getting along now. I shouldn't want your champagne to go flat, Doctor. Good night to you both."


"Good night, Inspector. Our best to your wife."


"I told you he could hear you, Watson."


"So you did. You will note that he did not bat an eye. Or arrest us."


"He isn't blind, nor is he as unobservant as I once thought he was. Years of exposure to my methods, I suppose."


"Probably that his years of exposure to your bohemian nature make him immune to deviant behaviour on your part."

"Your participation did not surprise him, either, Watson."

"I should like to think he deduced that you seduced and corrupted me."

"Ever the romantic."


"Speaking of which... the remainder of the evening belongs to us. If I'm not mistaken, you have a new dressing gown you wished to wear tonight…?"


"Indeed I do. And your new smoking jacket would be most welcome sight as we dine."


"You see to the fire, and I'll-"


"I shall indeed see to the fire, my dear Watson…"






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