A Spander Christmas Stocking

Merry Christmas From The Family



*"Mix Margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quik-Pak store
We need some ice and an extension cord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rite
A box of pampers, some Marlboro Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family"*

Xander sang cheerily along with the radio as he sorted things into three boxes. Next to him was a roll of blinding lime green foil wrapping paper and a spool of black ribbon. It was certainly an original take on traditional Christmas wrapping. Not that he was surprised. They'd been together for eighteen months, or there abouts, and Spike was well acquainted with Xander's eccentric side.

It was hell of a lot of fun in the bedroom and at least mildly amusing the rest of the time. Spike watched his lover, becoming more puzzled by the odd assortment of items that went into each box. Usually Spike could tell what was going on with Xander by his choice of music. It wasn't much help right now though.

Spike took a swig of his beer and finally asked, "What's with the pressies, Pet?"

"Well I thought that since the girls and Giles were putting so much effort into finding me the last couple of months that I'd send them a package to let them know I hadn't forgotten them." Xander smiled toothily at the vampire.

"Right. I'm going to take a wild guess that this isn't a 'let's make up' gesture."


"So if this is a Fuck Off, why not just send dead rats on ice or something?"

"Cause this is more fun." Xander replied in a 'you're pretty but not real bright' tone of voice. Spike just flicked up an eyebrow. "See, it's all about meaning," he gestured, "Subtext." Xander laid his hand on the farthest box.

"For Buffy we have Mama Tam's Triple Strength Talisman, guaranteed to relieve even the most vicious symptoms of a lady's monthly flux. An already filled notebook with topics like 'How to wire your own vibrator.' and 'Learning through osmosis'. And a pre-styled blonde wig, it's a little more butch than she usually goes for but it's in her color. Or the one she was sporting when we left at any rate."

He moved his hand to rest on the next box. "For Willow there is a Twelve Step Program how-to pamphlet, the 'Idiot's Guide to Friendship' and purple stuffed frog. Isn't he cute?" Xander held the toy up for inspection.

"For Giles we have 'The Care and Feeding of Minions', a book of prophecies by the venerable Gregory Polick Train Dagobah-"

"The nutter who lived under that bridge in Tennessee?" Spike interrupted.

"Yep. And three tins of ginger Altoids, so he can have a little bit of home. What do you think?"

"I think the Subtext comes across quite clear, Pet."

"Good. Now give me a hand wrapping these boxes. I want to take them to the shipping place tonight so they'll arrive in time for Christmas."

"And what do I get for my labor." Spike demanded not moving to help.

"Well... I'll let you tie me to the bed and have your wicked way with me. I'll even pretend to put up a fight first." Xander wiggled his eyebrows leeringly.

"Naughty, Pet." Spike started cutting a square of wrapping paper. Xander grinned triumphantly and started singing again.

*"Send somebody to the Stop 'n Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprite
A box of Midol, some Salem Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family"*


The song is Montgomery Gentry's - Merry Christmas From the Family.
Altoids are (or were) made in England. The ginger is particularly vile tasting.
Dagobah is the planet from Star Wars - hey the guy is nuts and named himself.
All book/article titles are made up.







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