SECRETS AND SACRIFICES III
by Edibbea
Notes

 

Heat. Soft, wet heat enveloping him, sucking, swirling. He throbbed, ached; so hard that just a little more, yeah, like that, just like that... "Fuck," torn from his throat as his orgasm washed over him, was swallowed up and licked away.

"Xan?" His voice was creaky, his throat dry and scratchy. He felt the mattress dip and opened his eyes to see Xander get off the bed and head into the bathroom.

"Xander?" Spike got out of bed and followed him. He reached to turn on the lights.

"Don't." Spike's hand froze at the barked word. Spike could see clearly in the dim illumination, but Xander would be almost blind.

"You need more light, love. How about I just turn it up a little?"

"No. I don't need it. You know there's no windows in here? Anywhere?"

"That's 'cause we're underground, Xander, you know that. That's why I have all the lights. We can change the lighting, make it any time of day or night that we want."

"No. Not day. Night. It should be night. Dark. I can see quite clearly, Spike. Just as well as you can. I'm not really human any more, am I? I don't belong in the light now." Xander walked up to Spike, draped his arms over Spike's shoulders, pressed their chests and groins together. Xander tilted his head. "Feed from me, Spike."

"Xan, love. I think you should -"

"Please, Spike." The ragged whispers sounded as if they'd been ripped from Xander's throat.

"No, Xan. I don't think that's really what you want right now. Please, love, why don't we just -"

"No. Of course not. You feed on humans." Xander's voice was flat as he pulled away from Spike and walked back into the bedroom. Spike just stood there, his mind racing. What the hell was going on in the boy's head now? Feeling like a particularly slow participant in a game of follow the leader, Spike walked back into the bedroom. Xander was lying on the bed, his hands crossed behind his head, staring at the ceiling.

"Xander. What's going on, love? I'm not going to feed from you, you're not food, you're my Consort. We share blood; you're not my friggin' dinner!" As Spike stood watching Xander, his words percolated through Spike's brain. Oh, bugger.

"Xander. You're human, love. You belong in the light." Spike sat on the edge of bed, and tentatively reached towards Xander. The dark eyes swivelled towards Spike, and the hand was withdrawn.

"No, don't think so. I'm the possession of William. I'm the Childe of Angelus. I'm part of the House of Aurelius. The Vampire Slayer set off alarm bells in me, and she would have staked me if someone hadn't stopped her. I need your blood to live. Doesn't sound very human to me. What do you think, oh Master of mine?" Spike jerked back as though the acid tones had slapped him across the face.

"That's a load of bollocks, Xander, and you know it." Spike kept his voice as steady as he could. Something was badly wrong here. Angelus' voice drifted through his head, '...things get broken that way...' "You want me to feed from you, fine. But you need to eat first."

"Doesn't count now. 'Cause you know. You'll do it anyway."

Christ on a crutch. Right, enough of this crap, thought Spike. Time to take control. "Get up, get dressed and go into the kitchen. I will make you breakfast and you will eat it. Now," said Spike, putting as much authority as he could muster into the demand without actually using the Voice. Without any further arguments, Xander got off the bed and pulled on a pair of jeans. Spike tossed some jeans and a t-shirt on and headed into the kitchen, followed by a bare-chested, barefoot Xander.

Spike quickly cooked up bacon, eggs and toast, poured a large glass of juice, and placed it all in front of Xander, making sure he adjusted the lighting in the apartment to suit the time, almost midday.

Xander ate every scrap, and drank two glasses of juice while Spike heated up a mug of blood and drank it as he watched the boy eating. Spike's attempts at questioning Xander were ignored, and the boy seemed to be operating on auto-pilot; Spike was worried.

"Xan, why don't you go and watch TV for a while, I have a few phone calls to make."

Without a word, Xander wandered into the loungeroom, found the remote, flicked the switch and then stared at the TV, idly flipping through channel after channel. Spike stood watching him for a moment, then went into the study and closed the door. He threw himself into the chair and sat tapping his fingers on the desktop, trying to gather his thoughts. Okay, the boy had somehow got it into his head that he wasn't human any more. Except it wasn't just that, was it? His mood was all over the place, reminded him of Dru when she... Spike shied away from the thought. No. Probably still in shock over what happened yesterday, that's all, be enough to upset anyone. Spike's gaze wandered aimlessly over the desk, and lit on the calendar. Bugger it, Sunday. Supposed to be starting with Stan tomorrow. He picked up the phone and tapped out a number.

"Stan? 's me."

//Spike! How's it going, mate?//

"It's been better, to be honest. Look, Stan, the boy won't be coming in for a few days. Not gonna cause any problems?"

//Nah. Got a few bits I can do, no rush jobs or anything. He can start anytime. You got problems, Spike?// Spike sighed deeply.

"Yeah, you could say that. Had to go see my Sire yesterday, ritual that needed doing. Boy played a starring role." The hiss as Stan sucked air through his teeth summed up Spike's thoughts on the whole thing.

//Bugger. Nasty bastard, that Angelus. The kid all right?//

"Not really. Think I'm gonna need a few days to sort him out, you know?"

//Yeah. Is he hurt bad?//

"No, no, nothing like that. Angelus's still got the soul in residence, so he says. Mind you, didn't seem to slow him down that much. Though he wasn't anywhere near as bad as he could have been."

//Be grateful for small mercies then, mate. Look, don't worry about him trying to get in this week. Leave it till he's ready. Give him some time. This sort of thing can be hard on humans, y'know?//

"Yeah, you're right. He's acting really strange this morning, not like him at all. And he's not with it, you know?"

//Isn't he? Doesn't sound good. I mean, you'd expect him to be a bit upset...//

"Yeah. He was last night, and I expected him to be much the same this morning, but he's not. Spouting some crap about not being human any more."

//Bugger. He's only young, mate. Kids get funny ideas in their heads, you know? You'll have to talk to him, Spike, sort him out. Marlene's always here if you need a hand with anything, you know that, right? She's always been good with kids.//

"Yeah, I know. Thanks a lot, Stan. Take it easy, mate. I'll give you a bell later in the week, let you know how he's doing, okay?"

//No bother, Spike. Speak to you later then, mate. Take care of him, eh? See ya.//

"Yeah, bye."

Spike hung up and stared thoughtfully at the phone for a few moments. Stan was right, of course. He needed to talk to Xander. He'd been so upset last night, and Spike had expected more of the same this morning; expected to have to comfort the boy. But this... Spike sighed. Why didn't anything in his pathetic excuse for an unlife ever go right? Sitting in the office wasn't going to do any good, was it? Resisting the urge to smash something, Spike made his way to the loungeroom. The TV was playing loudly to itself. Spike switched it off, and heard the shower running. He headed towards the bathroom, then stopped, thinking that maybe Xander needed some space. So he sat in one of the armchairs by the fireplace and waited.

Xander walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, and headed to the walk in closet, totally ignoring Spike. Spike sat patiently while Xander dressed, but jumped up from his chair and grabbed Xander by the arm as he saw the boy pick up his jacket.

"Where do you think you're going, pet?"

"Out."

"Where out?"

"Just out," said Xander, pulling his arm free of Spike's hold.

"No, Xan, you're not. Not yet. We need to talk, pet."

"Don't wanna talk, Spike. Just need to get out for a while, need to think about stuff."

"What stuff?"

"You. Me. What happened yesterday. Y'know, stuff."

"I kinda hoped we could talk about that stuff together, Xan. You're worrying me. You're not acting like yourself at all this morning and…" Spike's voice trailed off as Xander began to laugh. It was a very disturbing sound.

"I'm not? What a surprise. Well, maybe that's because I don't feel like myself, Spike." Xander pulled away and walked towards the bedroom door. He stopped and spun around, walked back to Spike and jabbed him in the chest with his index finger.

"You. You knew something like this was gonna happen, didn't you? When we went to LA?"

"What? No, I had no idea, Xan, I swear -"

"Bullshit," shouted Xander, jabbing Spike again. "You said you needed to see Angelus, not Angel, Spike, I remember you saying it." Xander shoved Spike hard in the chest, pushing him away. "Fuck, what an idiot I am. I went to see Angel, thinking I'd have to protect you from him. What a joke. You talked about me like I wasn't even there. You tied me up, you bastard, and gave me to him. And you kissed him. You kissed him while I watched and then you held me down while he fucked me. And you know what's really funny, Spike? I agreed to do it so I could stay human. But since I'm not actually human any more, it was pretty much a waste of time, wasn't it? Should have just turned me. Or is this what's supposed to happen to me? And you don't seem interested in touching me so far - what, used goods now? Not what you want any more? Or is it Angelus that you really want now? Is that who you rushed off to call? Well fuck you, Spike," yelled Xander. He stormed out of the bedroom and was out of the apartment before Spike could gather his wits.

"What the fuck?" said Spike, though there was no one there to hear him.

*****

Xander angrily swiped the tears from his face as he walked. He had no idea where he was heading, but somehow he found himself back at the coffee shop where he'd waited for Willow the other day. He went in, grabbed a copy of the local paper from the counter and sat in a corner booth. Fortunately the place was almost deserted, and after Xander ordered his coffee he slumped in the corner, staring at the paper. The waitress gave him a sympathetic smile as she brought his coffee over, and Xander scrabbled in his pocket for some tissues to wipe his face. He felt Spike delicately probing at the link, and slammed it shut as hard as he could.

He didn't want to talk to Spike. He didn't want to talk to anyone. Even if he did, who could he talk to about this? As Xander sipped his coffee and stared into the distance, he felt himself calming down a little. He shouldn't have yelled at Spike like that, and then stormed out. All very dramatic, but it didn't solve anything. And really, Spike was the only person he could talk to. Xander was so confused. Last night, he had felt violated, so dirty after Angelus had fucked him. Xander took slow, deep breaths as he felt his mind begin to swirl again. But when he'd woken up this morning, everything had been different. As he'd lain next to Spike, thinking about what had happened, it all made sense; it all felt - right. Sire had... No, not Sire, damnit! Angelus. Angelus had been pleased with him, with them, and it had made him feel... Happy.

And then he'd noticed that he could smell Spike, although the word 'smell' really was an understatement for the way his senses had been flooded. The intoxicating scent of his mate had been so overwhelming Xander couldn't stop himself from wanting him. And the taste of him, it had been so powerful, but it hadn't been enough. He'd felt like he had that time Spike had shared some of his feelings through the link, after he'd been hunting, when Xander had pounced on Spike and wanted nothing more than to sink his teeth into his throat and... Jeez! Xander took a deep breath again and forced himself to calm down. It was wrong. He shouldn't be feeling like this. He didn't want to feel like this. Spike did this stuff, not him.

So he'd quickly got out of bed and headed to the bathroom; reached to turn up the lights, and noticed that they were off. He'd been sure they were on low, 'cause he could see quite clearly. That's when it had hit him, the realisation that he wasn't human any more.

And now, sitting in the coffee shop, he could smell - everything... He could hear people talking quietly at the other end of the cafe quite clearly, could hear their heartbeats if he concentrated, for fuck's sake. He picked up his cup with a shaking hand and was surprised to find it empty. He called the waitress over and she gave him a refill.

Obviously the ritual had affected him in some way, made him more... Made me a demon, he thought. Xander's thoughts were whirling, and as he tried to make sense of them, they slipped from his tenuous mental grasp. This wasn't working. The sounds and smells surrounding him, the urge to go home and get Spike and... And what? Kill him? Fuck him? Claim him - and where the hell did that come from? Right, Xander thought to himself. Time to approach this is a more Willow-ey way. He went up to the counter and grabbed a couple of the flyers there that were blank on the reverse side. A small container of pencils was sitting on the counter.

"Er, can I use one of these?" he asked the waitress.

"Sure, hon, go ahead."

He grabbed a pencil, sat down again and began to write. A further cup of coffee and a doughnut later, he'd filled two of the flyers with notes, arrows and various doodles. By the end of his third cup of coffee and a bathroom break, Xander felt clearer in his own mind, and was surprised to discover that really there were only a couple of questions that he needed answers to. Granted, they would not be one word answers, but at least everything now felt manageable. Xander sighed as he sat, staring at the words.

1. Spike's behaviour with Angelus during the ritual.
2. What am I now?
3. Why do I have all these weird feelings (because of point 2?)
4. Did Spike know this was going to happen?

Last time he'd been here, waiting for Willow, he'd thought about how he'd really needed to talk to Spike. But they never did have that talk. Spike had almost drained him, and they'd ended up going to LA. And yes, he had to admit, the trip had answered some of his questions. But it had also raised a whole heap of new ones.

Xander folded up the papers and put them in his pocket. He felt - better, actually. Calmer, more in control. Realistically, he knew that whatever answers Spike gave, nothing would change. Xander knew he could never leave Spike, even if he wanted to. But if Spike had deliberately lied to him; if Spike knew this was going to happen and didn't tell him, Xander didn't think he would ever trust him again.

Xander paid the check and gave the waitress her pencil back, and headed home.

*****

Spike paced around the apartment liked a caged tiger. Xander had deliberately gone out into the sunlight, knowing that Spike couldn't follow him. Spike had tried his cell phone before remembering that Angelus had smashed it the day before. Roundly cursing his Sire back to hell, Spike toyed with the idea of phoning the Watcher in case Xander had gone there. But finally, he realised that he simply had to calm down and let Xander have the space he needed. He was pretty certain he'd be home by the evening. And if he wasn't, well, once it was dark, Spike would find him; hunt him down and drag him back home if he had to.

He couldn't blame Xander for feeling upset and angry about the way things had gone, but he had it all wrong, and Spike was going to make him understand that, even if he had to tie him up to do it. In fact, that was a bloody good idea…

Spike kept tabs on Xander's mental state through the link. He'd felt Xander slam it shut, but that really didn't stop Spike, who gently pushed through without Xander being aware of it. He'd gradually felt the anger that had radiated off his mate fade away, to be replaced by despair and confusion. Which in turn gave way to a peaceful, calm emotional state. But there was something else... Something felt different, and it was nagging at Spike. Xander had been gone a good couple of hours when Spike heard the key in the lock. As relief flooded through him, he gave himself a little pep talk, 'keep calm, no shouting' as he walked into the hallway and stood in front of the door as it opened.

"So, feeling better now?" Spike held out his hand, and breathed a sigh of relief when Xander took hold of it and twined their fingers together. He suddenly realised that he'd been scared. Scared that Xander wouldn't come back, wouldn't want him any more. He had to fight to keep an inane grin off his face. 'Christ, what has the boy done to me?'

"Yeah. I'm sorry I walked out, Spike. But I needed to calm down. I was confused and hurt and angry, and I needed to sort myself out. You were right, I know. We need to talk. I just couldn't before, you know?"

"I know. And I wasn't talking to Angelus on the phone, Xan. I'd called Stan, to let him know that something had come up, and you wouldn't be starting tomorrow. I think we need some time to ourselves, sort everything out before you start work there, okay?"

Xander nodded. "Did you tell him...?"

"About what happened? No details. Just that we'd been in LA 'cos we had to see my Sire, and that you wouldn't be free for a few more days yet, that's all."

"And he's okay with that?"

"Yeah, sure. He's not busy at the moment, Xan. He's happy for you to start any time you're ready. Don't worry about it. Now, come and sit down, Xan. Want a beer?" At Xander's nod, Spike got them each a beer out of the bar fridge, then sat next to Xander on the couch.

"So, did you sort yourself out then? D'you want to tell me what's wrong?"

"Yeah, I - I wrote some stuff down," said Xander. He reached over to his jacket, flung over the arm of the couch, and pulled the folded pieces of paper out of his pocket. At Spike's raised eyebrow, Xander continued, "I couldn't think, so I wrote everything down to try and get it sorted out in my head. Things haven't been right for a while, and yeah, I know why now. But yesterday just - well. I think it did something to me. I'm different, Spike. I'm not human any more."

Spike rested his hand on Xander's thigh and squeezed reassuringly. "Yeah, you said that before you left. Look, Xan, I know you're still upset. The ritual can be -"

"No," Xander said, cutting off Spike's words. "No. Last night I was upset, Spike. But now - now I'm totally freaked." Xander snorted. "I'm happy that our Sire accepted me. Can you fucking believe that? And I can see in the dark, Spike, as clear as daylight. I could smell you so vividly this morning, the scent of you was - still is - driving me crazy. When I went out, I could smell the humans, their blood, I could hear their fucking hearts beating, Spike. So don't tell me I'm still human, 'cause I'm not, not any more."

Spike was staring at Xander in surprise. This was unexpected. He'd actually heard of this happening, but...

"Xander. I think I might know what's happened." Spike reached across and plucked Xander's beer bottle from his hand. He put both their drinks on the coffee table and then turned back to Xander. "We need to go to bed, love."

Xander's mouth dropped open for a second. "What? I'm having a breakdown here, and you want to fuck?"

Spike closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in a way that immediately brought Giles to mind. "Xan, love, I always want to fuck you. But no, that's not what I'm suggesting at the moment. We need skin contact for this, and it's easier if we're lying down. I'm going to need you to open the link as wide as you can. I need to get inside your head. Just trust me, please?"

Xander sighed. "Yeah, why not." He picked up his beer and drained it, then stood up and walked towards the bedroom. Spike stood watching him as he went. Xander's words were reluctant, but his body was screaming out a completely different message. Oh yeah, Spike knew he was definitely right in his suspicions, and he could barely keep the smile off his face.

*****

Xander stripped quickly and lay on his back in the centre of the bed. Spike threw off his clothes and crawled onto the bed next to him, smirking at Xander as his eyes raked over him, lingering on the growing hardness that Xander was trying to will away. Damnit, Xander thought, not now. But the sight and scent of a naked Spike crawling towards him was just too much. And Spike slithering on top of him really wasn't helping.

"Wrap your arms around my waist," said Spike as he slipped his forearms under Xander's shoulders, holding himself up a little, so they were staring into each other's eyes. Spike's head dipped down, and suddenly they were kissing desperately. Xander bucked and groaned into Spike's mouth. Spike broke the kiss and lifted his head again.

"Spike, God, Spike, I need -"

"Shhh. Xan. I know, me too, but later, love. We need to do this first. Look into my eyes, and open the link as wide as you can, okay?"

Xander nodded. He stared into the blue eyes and reached out towards his mate with his mind. Spike's eyes seemed to grow darker, and Xander felt himself falling into them. He grew dizzy and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he found himself in a small room, lit by a few scattered candles. He was sitting opposite Spike, and they were holding hands, but Spike was in game face, staring at him intently.

"Spike, where are we?" Xander asked slowly, looking around and not recognising the room.

"In the bedroom." At Xander's look of exasperation, Spike continued, "Our bodies are still in bed, but at the moment we're inside your head, Xander."

"Wanna tell me why?" asked Xander. Spike nodded, but didn't take his eyes off Xander's face.

"Just confirming my suspicions, love."

Xander sighed. "Spike, please? And why are you staring at me like that?"

"You're gonna make a beautiful vampire, Xander," said Spike, smiling widely, fangs glinting in the dim light. He released one of Xander's hands and reached up to run his fingers over Xander's face.

"What?" Xander reached up and touched his forehead, and his hand shook as he felt unfamiliar ridges there. He ran his tongue over his teeth, to find sharp fangs in place of the usual bluntness. "Christ, Spike! What -"

"Shhh, Xan. Calm down. Give me your hands." Spike's voice vibrated through Xander and he found himself obeying without thought. "It's nothing to panic about, love. We're inside your head, remember? Listen to me. This is something I do actually know about. The Master, long may he burn, told me this bit of Lore, and you listened when he spoke, if you knew what was good for you. It's pretty rare, but sometimes a bonded human will merge with the demon that he shares with his mate. I suppose...well, Angelus is Master of Aurelius now, and I'm next in line, and you're a very strong human - should have expected something like this, especially when you overpowered the demon during the ritual."

"Angelus said I needed to learn to merge with the demon."

"Did he now? Wonder if he suspected something like this was going to happen?"

"So, what does this mean, Spike? I am a demon now? Is that what this means?"

"No, love. It's me, my demon, remember? You just share part of me, that's all, but you've integrated it, merged it into yourself, made it your own, in a way. Makes you stronger, much stronger. And when you're finally ready to be turned, you'll hardly change at all. You'll still be you. It's a really good thing, love, something I didn't dare hope for." Spike stood up, and pulled Xander with him, into his arms. "You're mine," he growled as he tightened his hold on Xander and kissed him. Fangs clashed as tongues duelled, and Xander felt himself growing hard. He needed - he could taste Spike's blood in his mouth as tongues and lips tore on sharp fangs. It exploded over him. He'd never known, never even suspected that Spike's blood was so wonderful... He pulled away roughly. Xander desperately needed to do...something...

"Spike, I need..." As Spike tilted his head, baring his neck, Xander knew what he needed. He nuzzled at Spike's throat, filling himself with the scent of his mate. Then he bit down, hard, amazed at how easily the skin parted for the razor sharp teeth, and sucked, swallowing mouthful after mouthful of the precious fluid. He felt Spike nuzzling at his neck, and gasped as Spike bit down, drinking from him as he fed from Spike. They ground against each other as they shared blood, and as Spike sucked hard, Xander shuddered and came, thrusting hard against Spike. He felt Spike jerk and then stiffen a few moments later, and then Spike was pushing gently at his head. Xander pulled his fangs out and licked at the wound as he felt Spike do the same.

As Spike pulled away slightly and rested their foreheads together, Xander noticed that they were both panting.

"Close your eyes, Xan," said Spike. As Xander closed his eyes, he felt a tugging sensation, and when he opened them again, he was back in the bedroom with Spike on top of him. And a soggy, slippery mess between them.

"Wow," Xander said shakily, "that was intense."

"Yeah," said Spike, grinning.

"Was that... Was that real, Spike?" 'Please don't tell me I'm gonna start vamping out...'

"Um. Yes and no. The feelings are real. The vamp senses you have now are real. But you aren't a demon, Xander. You won't try to drain anyone. Your friends are safe, love."

Xander nodded slowly. "So. Okay, yeah, I can see that. Um, Spike? Me being a vamp in my head, that wasn't real, right?"

"No, love. That was just me talking to the merged part of you - you're human, inside and out, I promise. Just got a few extras that might keep you from being demon fodder in the future. Every little helps, what with living on a hellmouth and all."

Relief flooded through Xander. Things were hard enough with his friends without him suddenly turning into a demon. He lay still for a moment, staring into Spike's eyes. He could live with this. It made things a lot clearer, actually. It was one thing to try and understand why Spike acted in a particular way, being a vamp and all, but it was quite different to actually feel these things for yourself. And really understand. Then Xander grinned. So he'd forced Spike's demon to merge with him, huh? Cool. "Yeah, I'm pretty okay with it, I guess. I mean, it's the same as before, right, just now I don't have to work at getting the demon to help out." At Spike's nod, he continued, "So, me being all vamp super-powery was a dead giveaway, huh?"

"Yeah. But it was you calling Angelus 'our Sire' that really gave me the hint, you know? This just confirmed it."

"Uhuh. Well, at least I really get the whole vamp neck fetish thing now."

Spike smiled. "Oh yeah. And we'll do it for real, one day, Xan."

Xander bit his lip and his eyes flickered away for a moment as he considered this. The thought of being turned really didn't seem such a big deal to him any more. No sinking feeling in his stomach or panicky little voices. No big, moral dilemmas, just - acceptance. Another side effect of merging with the demon, he supposed. It was just something else that they would do, one day. He looked up at Spike, staring into his eyes once more.

"Yeah. For real, Spike, one day."

Spike groaned and leaned down to kiss Xander. He felt Spike begin to harden against him, and was surprised to find himself reacting - okay, another benefit of merging with the demon, apparently, zero recovery time. Spike broke the kiss and whispered against Xander's lips, "Wanna fuck you, Xan. Need you, now."

Xander whimpered as the words sent a bolt of arousal through him. He spread his legs and bent his knees, placing his feet flat on the bed. "So what are you waiting for?" he whispered back.

Spike's preparation was slow and teasing, and Xander was almost screaming with frustration as Spike finally, slowly, sank into him.

"Mine, Xander. Only ever mine," said Spike as he withdrew slowly and then slammed home again. And as Spike sank his fangs into Xander's neck after tearing open his wrist for Xander to drink from, he felt like he was being claimed all over again.

*****

Xander opened his eyes to find himself clean and tucked under the blankets, nestled in Spike's arms. The last thing Xander remembered was feeling incredibly sleepy after a mindblowing orgasm. He snuggled closer to Spike and dropped a kiss on his nose. Spike's eyes opened, and he tilted his head to capture Xander's lips.

"Have a nice nap, love?"

Xander grinned widely. "Yeah, I feel really, really good, Spike."

"Well, I hate to do this, Xan, but we still need to talk, don't we?"

Xander sighed. Damn. But yeah, they did. There were a couple of things...well, one in particular.

"Why did you kiss him, Spike? He hurt me, and you..." Xander shook his head and closed his eyes. He understood the reason for the ritual now, he really did. God help him, he was even happy about it. But the image of Spike kissing Angelus was burned into his mind. That had hurt.

"Xan? Xander, look at me, love, please?" As Xander opened his eyes Spike met his gaze. "First of all, I had no idea at all that when we went to LA we'd end up doing this ritual, okay? It was as big a shock to me as it was to you. I knew I was going nuts, but I didn't know why. I did know, though, that if anyone knew what was going on, it'd be my Sire, right? And secondly, everything that happened in that room was part of the ritual. Everything. I had to submit to him, renew my bond, acknowledge him as my Sire. And offer him the most precious thing in my existence. I know you were scared during the ritual - I know you wanted to get away, I could hear you and feel you, love. But you couldn't. Once the ritual has started, it has to be completed. The demon is in control, and Angelus would have killed us both, love, soul or not. Everything that happened, happened because it was part of the ritual."

"Oh." Xander considered this for a moment. When he thought about Angelus, feelings arose within him, 'love, want, Sire'. He felt his stomach clench. "So you wouldn't rather be with him? Even though you love him? And I can feel it too, Spike, I know exactly how you feel." The words seemed to catch in Xander's throat as he spoke, but he forced them out. He had to know, and he could share Spike, if he had to. It wouldn't be so bad. Oh, who was he kidding, it'd kill him. Spike stared at Xander for a long moment, and then hugged him tightly.

"Oh, bloody hell, love, is that what's been bothering you? I don't want Angelus - well, I'd like to have a Sire that I could talk to and rely on occasionally, but that's it. I don't want anyone but you, ever. He's my Sire, and yes, I love him, Xander. I can't help it, it's how a Childe feels towards their Sire; you know that now, you can feel it too. But you're my mate. I chose you. I'm stuck with him. Big difference, believe me!" Spike gently touched Xander's cheek. "You're my Consort, my mate, Xander, and I love you. What you did for us yesterday was - well, it means so much to me. Especially as I know you could have broken the bond if you'd wanted to." Xander's head jerked back, his shocked eyes meeting Spike's.

"I didn't want you to know. I suppose Angelus told you?" At Spike's nod, he continued, "Spike, there's no way I would have broken the bond that way. I mean, I thought about it, but once Angelus told me how he'd do it... I'm sorry, Spike. I love you, I was just scared..."

"Hey, hey, It's okay. I don't blame you for considering it, Xander. I understand, love. Hell, I couldn't really blame you if you had decided to have me dusted, I mean, I've made a right fuck up of this bonding thing."

Xander rolled abruptly, pulling Spike under him, pinning him to the bed. "Don't ever say that, Spike. Yeah, it would have been nice to know what we were doing, but it doesn't change anything. If I'd known everything up front, I..." Xander bent his head and kissed Spike. "I wouldn't have changed a thing. And maybe that's just the new, improved me talking, but I'm glad it happened, all of it."

"Even getting up close and personal with Angelus?"

"Well, I can honestly say that's one of the scariest things I've ever done and hey, I survived, and something good came out of it. So yeah, even that."

"He was very impressed with you." As Xander snorted, Spike laughed. "You stood up to him, even when you thought the soul had gone completely. Very few have done that. Well, and lived to tell about it, anyway."

Xander opened his mouth to answer, but was silenced by the loud rumbling of his stomach. They both began laughing, and stumbled out of bed to shower and eat.

*****

Despite Spike's insistence that Xander really needed to eat more vegetables, Xander had convinced him that what he really needed was pizza. So they compromised and Xander had a pizza with vegetables on it, while Spike heated himself a mug of blood.

"So. What d'you wanna do tonight?" asked Xander as he pushed the empty plate away. "'Cause, I'd like to play on the Playstation. You wanna play too?" Spike had a different sort of playing in mind, but that could wait until later. "Yeah, sure, pet. But make sure it's something nice and violent, eh? I fancy a bit of a rampage."

"Thrill Kill it is then!" said Xander, as he headed to the living room.

"And make sure it's the uncensored version, I'm not playing that piss-weak bloody demo..."

"Yeah, yeah," said Xander as he got out the disk and started the game.

*****

A couple of hours later, Xander threw down the control pad in disgust. "You win. You always win!"

"Yeah, well, had a century of practice at the real thing, pet. Comes in handy, sometimes," said Spike with a smirk. He reached over and turned the machine and TV off. Then he jumped to his feet and hauled Xander up with him, grabbed his hand and started towing him towards the bedroom. "There's something else I've had a century of practice at, pet, that I feel the need to try out tonight."

"Oh yeah? And what would that be?" said Xander.

"Guess," said Spike, as he threw Xander onto the bed and started stripping him.

"Um, chess?"

"Nooo... lift up," said Spike, as he unzipped Xander's pants and pulled them off him.

"Backgammon?" said Xander, as Spike finished stripping him and began to remove his own clothing.

"Well, there are backs involved, yeah, but, not really..."

"How about... driving your lover insane with desire?" said Xander, his eyes drinking in the naked vision crawling up the bed towards him.

"Much closer, pet," said Spike, as he pushed Xander's legs apart and moved between them, licking a path from his cock, detouring around his navel, up the breast bone, and ending at Xander's lips. As their tongues duelled and parried, Xander wrapped his arms around the cool body covering his own, and Spike began to thrust his hips. They were both hard now, and their cocks slid against each other teasingly. Spike broke the kiss and put his weight on his forearms, lifting his head up to gaze into Xander's eyes. "I want you, Xander. I don't think I've ever wanted anyone this much, ever."

"You've got me, I'm all yours," whispered Xander.

"Mmm, yeah, mine," Spike growled softly. "You know, you were amazing last night, pet. I know how hard it was for you, how scared you were, but you did it for me. And I figure it's my turn, now. You're still feeling like you need to do something, but not sure what, yeah?" Spike wrapped his arms around Xander and rolled them over, and Xander found himself looking down at Spike, feeling somewhat confused.

"Spike, I don't understand," said Xander.

"Xander, you're feeling the urge to claim me, aren't you, since the ritual?" Xander felt Spike's words gather in his pit of his stomach and then spread out, sending tingles through his body. Yes. Oh, yes. But he'd been pushing the feeling away firmly. Spike did the claiming, not him. He couldn't do that, not to Spike.

"Yes. I mean, no. I mean... I thought it was just some weird side effect of the ritual. I'm sure it'll fade, don't worry about it," said Xander, and he felt himself blushing.

Spike sighed. "No, it won't. Look, Xander, you could probably just bite me. That would be enough to satisfy the demon. But I think it's time you claimed me, properly like."

Xander just stared, and he searched Spike's face, looking for some clue. Spike couldn't possibly mean... A soft "oh" escaped his lips and his expression became serious. He pulled his arms out from under Spike and rested his forearms on either side of the blond head. He caught Spike's gaze and said, "I don't... Spike, this isn't something I've asked for or told you I wanted. And you haven't shown the slightest interest in doing this before. So what's going on?" Spike sighed. "Always have to look a gift horse in the mouth, don't you, pet?"

"No, Spike. It's just that there's more going on here than whose cock goes where, isn't there? You just said that I only need to bite you. Tell me," Xander said. Spike sighed again. "Xander, I'm offering you something I've never offered anyone else. Just take it, love."

Xander's eyes widened. "Oh, Spike," he breathed, as he lowered his head to capture Spike's lips in a gentle kiss. Spike tightened his arms around Xander, deepening the kiss until they were devouring each other. Spike wants me to do this - I can do this, thought Xander. Xander broke the kiss, and leaned across to grab the lube. "You sure about this, Spike?" The vampire simply pulled his knees up and spread his legs. "Jeez," whispered Xander shakily. He fervently prayed that he didn't screw this up.

Xander had never done this before, but he figured if he just copied what Spike did to him, he wouldn't go too far wrong. Not having any body temperature, putting a blob of lube on Spike wouldn't do much to warm it up, he thought. So Xander just poured some into the palm of his hand. He knelt between Spike's legs, and just stared at the vision laid out before him. He finally noticed that Spike was glaring at him, so he decided he'd better make a start. He slathered his fingers with lube, and then leaned forward and slowly licked up the length of Spike's cock. The hissed 'fuck me', made him grin. He swirled his tongue around the head a few times, and then he sucked the cool length into his mouth. At the same time, his fingers started sliding up and down Spike's perineum, skating over the top of his pucker. Xander circled the hole a few times, and slipped the tip of his index finger inside. Spike twitched as Xander slowly pushed inside him. He pumped a few times, then pulled out, added more lube, and began to slowly insert two fingers. A sharp hiss made him stop for a moment as the muscles clamped down hard, and he pulled the fingers out again. "Just get on with it," demanded Spike. Xander pulled his head up sharply, releasing Spike's cock with a popping noise. "Who's doing this, Spike?" he said.

"Just do it, then. Vampire here, not a fragile human, y'know. You can't hurt me."

"When was the last time you did this? Are we talking years? Decades? A century? You are very, very tight. I want us both to enjoy this, so we'll do it my way, okay?"

Spike huffed, and then smiled at Xander. "Okay, pet. You're driving. I'll just lie here and think of England, shall I?"

"I really hope you won't be able to think about anything at all soon, Spike. So just shut up and let me do this," said Xander, grinning at the impatient vampire. Xander added more lube to his fingers, and then thrust two in, quick and hard. Spike's cry of pain and tensing muscles made Xander smile wryly. "Just get on with it, yeah?"

"Okay, you've made your point, smartarse," said Spike.

Xander was feeling more confident now, as he lowered his head and captured Spike's cock in his mouth again. He sucked gently, playing with it as he patiently stretched and lubed the tight passage. He'd just got three fingers inside and was pumping them in rhythm with his sucking on the now dripping cock when he felt Spike rear up, and he was grabbed and hauled up the bed. Spike latched his mouth onto Xander's and kissed him desperately. He then tore his lips from Xander's and hoarsely demanded, "Fuck me. Now." Xander wasn't going to argue. He was more than ready himself.

"Um, yeah, Okay. Do you want to roll over?"

"No. Wanna see your face as you come inside me, Xander." Xander shuddered. "God, Spike, you keep saying things like that I'm gonna come right now."

"Don't you dare," said Spike. Xander grabbed a pillow and tucked it under Spike's hips. As Xander knelt between Spike's spread thighs, carefully smoothing lube over his over-sensitive cock, he raised his eyes to find Spike watching him.

"Just like our first time, love. You lay there and watched me lube up, getting ready to fuck you for the first time, and then claim you, remember?" said Spike.

"Yeah," whispered Xander, and it suddenly hit him - he would be the one doing the claiming. He leaned forward, positioning himself against the still-too-tight hole, noting that his hands were shaking again. He took a deep, calming breath and started to push, but Spike's body seemed to fight him. He pushed harder and the head popped in. Spike hissed and the muscles clamped down hard around Xander's cock. Xander stopped pushing and wrapped his hand around Spike's cock, pumping it a few times until the muscles relaxed a little. He then began a slow, rocking motion, slipping further and further inside each time, until finally he was buried balls deep in the cool, silky passage. Spike's hands were plucking at Xander's arms, so he stretched himself out on top of his lover, resting his forearms on either side of Spike's head again. "Need to see your face, need to kiss you," gasped Spike. The needy, uncertain look on Spike's face shook Xander. He lowered his head, brushing his lips against Spike's. "I love you," he whispered. Spike's lips parted, his tongue darting out to lick at Xander's. Their tongues danced as the kiss grew deeper, and Xander felt a pushing at the edge of his thoughts. He opened himself to Spike, and as his lover's emotions swirled through him, he began thrusting slowly. "God, baby, you're so tight around me," groaned Xander, trying desperately not to come yet. Spike lifted his legs and wrapped them around Xander's waist. "More," he gasped, and Xander braced himself and began to thrust harder, and faster. Spike wrapped his legs more tightly around Xander, tilting himself forward more, and suddenly gasped. Sparks flew through Xander's mind, and he figured the angle must be just right. But this couldn't last. He was going into overload. The wet, slippery tightness around his cock and the sparks that flew through his head each time he hit Spike's prostate were sending him spiralling out of control. He was pounding into Spike, now, thrusting as hard and deep as he could. "Gonna come soon, babe, come for me," he gasped. He burrowed into Spike's neck, nibbling and sucking, and then suddenly he sank his teeth into the cool flesh. As the blood welled into his mouth, Spike stiffened beneath him and a truly spectacular fireworks display went off in Xander's head. He pulled his mouth away from Spike's neck and stared at his lover's face, contorted in the throes of orgasm. "Mine, Spike. You're mine," he ground out, and as Spike's eyes snapped open he slammed into him, hard, and then the whiteout hit.

Xander wasn't sure how long he lay slumped on top of Spike, waiting for the buzzing in his ears to settle and his breathing to calm a little. It felt like hours but was probably only a couple of minutes. He felt his cock slip out of Spike, and he lifted himself up and rolled off to the side, pulling Spike with him, so they lay face to face. Spike lay silently, his eyes closed, but Xander knew he was awake. He reached up and gently stroked the pale cheek, before leaning in and placing a kiss on the perfect lips before him. "Look at me, Spike," he whispered. The sooty eyelashes fluttered, and Xander gasped at the vulnerable look in the blue eyes. "You okay, Spike?" he asked in a soft voice. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay," breathed Spike. Xander wrapped his arms around his lover and hugged him tightly. "Thank you, Spike. Thank you for... " he broke off, his voice choked with emotion. Xander knew that he had been given something precious.

Spike lay in Xander's arms, listening to the shallow, even breathing and slow, steady heartbeat of his sleeping mate. "I can feel my demon in you, you know. I wonder, can you feel the part of your soul that you've given me?" he whispered. "Too human, now. And I've given you the last piece of me. My last refuge. Never willingly gave that to anyone before. Would have made me too vulnerable. Too much of a surrender. No defences. Don't hurt me, Xander, you're the only one who can, you know. And it would kill me."

 

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