Nightmares and Realities

 

Xander flinched as Anthony barreled towards him, closing his eyes and turning away in anticipation of the pain.  When the blow landed he didn't cry out.  The punch had flung him onto the floor, his jaw aching and his mouth tasting of blood.

 

He turned, not wanting to give Anthony the satisfaction of seeing any pain on his face.  But all the breath whooshed out of him as he caught sight of the pair huddled in the corner.

 

Spike and Bran.

 

"NO!"  His scream rent the air as he watched Anthony stalking toward them.  He scrambled after the bigger man, but was too late.  Anthony grabbed Spike by the throat, lifting him off the ground and shaking him hard.  He threw the lighter man against the wall, knocking him unconscious.

 

"Spike!  No!  Bran!"  Xander's heart was beating furiously as he tried to get to Bran before Anthony.  But again he could only watch helplessly as his son was grabbed, shaken, and slapped across the face.  Bran was crying out for him, his eyes wide and scared.

 

"Bran!!"

 

"Xander!"  Spike shook Xander roughly, trying to wake him from his nightmare.  "Xan, luv!  Wake up!"

 

"Bran!"

 

Before Spike could wake Xander fully, Bran came barreling into the room, landing atop Xander's prone form and calling for him.  "Daddy!"

 

Xander's eyes snapped open and he let out a strangled sob, grabbing Bran and holding the boy in a crushing embrace. 

 

"It's okay, daddy.  I'm okay.  I'm okay, daddy."  Bran kept repeating the words as he hugged his daddy back.  Xander nodded, but wouldn't release his hold.

 

"Luv?"  Spike wasn't sure what to do, but he knew he had to touch Xander.  To let the other man know he was there, that he wanted to help.  Slowly he placed a hand on Xander's shoulder, moving it slowly up and down Xander's arm.  Soothing as best he could.

 

With a final shudder, Xander loosened his hold and kissed the crown of Bran's head.  "Thank you, buddy."  His voice was shaky but he gave them both a tremulous smile to make up for it.  "Why don't you go play in your room while we make breakfast, okay?"

 

"Are you sure, daddy?"  Bran still looked worried, his eyes wide with concern.  The image brought another shudder to Xander's already trembling form as it reminded him so keenly of the scared expression of his dream-Bran.

 

"Yeah, buddy.  Don't worry about me, okay?  Just a dream."

 

"Okay, daddy."  Bran didn't look convinced but he stopped only long enough to give Xander a quick kiss on the cheek before climbing down.  He lingered for just a moment before looking towards Spike, as if to reassure himself that the other man would stay and protect his daddy.

 

"Go on, bit.  I'll take care of your da."

 

Nodding, Bran turned to go.  "Love you, daddy."

 

"Love you too, buddy."

 

And then they were alone.

 

"You wanna talk about it, Xan?"

 

Xander shook his head, still trying to get the image of Bran's frightened expression out of his mind.  But against his wishes his bottom lip began to tremble and his eyes moistened with tears.  Before he knew it, Xander was bundled in Spike's warm embrace.  His lover's accented voice washing over him in waves of comfort. 

 

"I - Anthony was there.  He hit me."  Xander felt Spike's arms tighten around him.  "But I didn't care.  That didn't matter - "

 

"'Course it matters, luv!"  Spike answered angrily.

 

"No, I mean, yes.  Thank you."  He turned and kissed one of the arms pinning him to Spike's side.  "I only meant that, that wasn't the worst part for me.  You were there.  And Bran.  He went after you, and I was too slow. I couldn't stop him.  He got you, and he hurt you.  And then Bran - " Xander choked on the words, unable to describe the horror of the scene that had played out in his mind.

 

"Shhh, luv."  Spike rocked Xander in his arms, wishing he could do more for his lover.  "Just a dream, Xan.  He can't hurt you anymore.  Shhh.  Can't hurt Bran.  Can't hurt me.  Can't hurt anyone, luv."

 

"It was horrible, Spike."

 

"I know, luv."  Spike wanted to protect Xander even from his nightmares.  "I'll never let him hurt you again, Xan, no matter what.  You and Bran are safe, you know that, right, luv?"

 

Xander shook his head.  "What happens when you go back to Sunnydale, Spike?  When you leave us?"

 

Spike wished they could be having this conversation some other time, when Xander wasn't so raw from his dream.  But he knew he had to address the issue now that Xander had brought it up.  "Come with me, luv.  I've got plenty of room.  We don't ever have to be apart again, Xan."

 

"Spike, we just met and you're asking me to move in with you?  Besides, what about my job?  How am I supposed to support Bran if I don't have a job?"

 

"You can find another job in Sunnydale, Xan.  'Sides, wasn't keen on you stripping for other blokes, anyway.  And I love you.  Doesn't matter whether we've known each other two weeks or two years.  I - I thought you loved me, too?"  Spike's expression was a mixture of fear and vulnerability, tugging at Xander's heart.

 

"I do love you, Spike.  God, of course I do."  Xander rushed to reassure him.  "I...I just don't know.  Moving like that, to a whole other state, it's a big deal.  And...I'm afraid.  Anthony and Jessica, they live, or at least they used to live, in the San Fernando Valley.  It's not that far from Sunnydale, and what if..."

 

"Won't let them hurt you, Xan, ever," Spike cut him off with a vehement promise.

 

"I know, Spike, but I can't hide behind you forever.  And I'm tired of being afraid.  I know it doesn't seem...well, I try to hide it from Bran, and you, and even myself.  But I can't stop the dreams.  Can't stop the moment of panic whenever there's a knock on the door I wasn't expecting."  Xander turned away, embarrassed.

 

"Don't, luv."  Spike cupped Xander's chin and turned him back.  "Don't turn away from me.  You don't have to be embarrassed, Xan."

 

"I think I need to," Xander gulped at what he was about to suggest,  "I think I need to confront this, confront them.  I need to know that they can't push me around anymore.  That I'm not that little kid Anthony can beat up and scare into obedience."  He turned dark brown pools of fear and apprehension on Spike.  "Am I crazy?  Should I just leave well enough alone?"

 

"Xan, I don't know what you should do.  Wish I could tell you how to make everything right."  Spike shook his head, wanting to give Xander more than he was able.  "But whatever you decide, luv, I'll help you."  He leaned forward to give Xander a chaste kiss.  "Whatever you need, luv."

 

"Thank you."

 

***

 

Bran bounced into the kitchen just as Xander was pulling out the frying pan and Spike was rummaging about in the refrigerator.

 

"Can we have eggs, huh?  Scrambled?  Please?"

 

"Sure, buddy," Xander answered absently, holding his hand out for the butter to grease the pan.

 

Spike handed over the small tub, then pulled out the eggs and bowl.  He broke five eggs and whisked them quickly, just in time to hand them over to Xander before the butter browned.

 

Spike pulled the salt and pepper off the small round kitchen table and stepped up to sprinkle the seasonings into the egg mixture, which Xander was carefully stirring in the pan.

 

As he handed the spatula over to Spike so that he could grab the orange juice and glasses, Xander marveled at the homey domesticity of their morning scene.  It was as if they'd been waking up together for years, already anticipating each other's needs.

 

Xander loved it.  He wanted it.  Every morning.  For the rest of his life.

 

He watched Bran carefully, weighing the consequences of speaking up in his mind before clearing his throat. 

 

"Bran?"

 

"Yeah, daddy?"

 

Xander sneaked a glance at Spike, finding only silent encouragement.  "How would you feel about going back to Sunnydale?"

 

"You mean to visit Mr. Giles?  And Grandma?"

 

"No, buddy."  Xander shook his head, wondering how to explain.  He shifted his chair closer so that he was able to take hold of Bran's hand and pull his attention away from breakfast.  "I mean to live, Bran.  To live with Will."

 

Xander looked to Spike, who moved forward to take Bran's other hand.  "Would you like that, bit?  Living with me?"

 

To Xander's complete horror Bran turned large, round, tear-filled eyes back toward him.  "Don't you want me anymore, daddy?"  Bran sniffled his query.

 

"Oh, God!"  Xander scooped Bran into his arms and held him close.  "Of course I do, buddy!  I love you.  I'll always want you."

 

"Then why *sniffle* are you sending me away?"

 

"Oh, Bran.  I'm not sending you away.  I'm sorry, buddy, I didn't mean to confuse you.  When I asked if you wanted to live with Will, I meant the both of us.  You and me, Bran."  Xander couldn't believe he'd screwed up this conversation so badly.  His heart had nearly broken at the sight of Bran's tears and his whispered words.

 

"Oh."  Bran sniffled once more before turning toward Spike.  "Does that mean you want me too, Will?"

 

"Yeah, luv.  I want you.  You and your da.  That okay, Bran?"

 

"Do you love my daddy?"

 

Spike looked at Xander, his expression softening.  "Yeah, I do."

 

Bran studied him for a moment before finally answering with a quiet, "Okay."

 

Relief flooded through both adults as the tension in the room eased.  "I'm glad, luv," Spike told Bran as Xander placed him back in his seat.

 

They finished breakfast in silence.

 

***

 

In the following week Spike called home to check on Buffy and let his own da know of their plans.  To his relief Buffy was recovering nicely, relieving him of a large measure of guilt he'd been carrying since leaving Sunnydale to go after his own happiness.

 

Giles, of course, was excited that his son was finally settling down, and Joyce was more than happy to know that Xander would be returning; hopeful that her son would give her a second chance to be a part of his and Bran's life.

 

The only thing yet to be resolved was Xander's own decision on the issue of his parents.  Xander had given notice at work, and though he didn't like it, he agreed that Spike's income along with his own savings would tide them over until he could find another job.  He was still a bit concerned, however, about what type of career he'd take up now that Spike had all but forbidden his return to exotic dancing.  Truth be told, Xander would be happy to make a change, but was unsure of where his skills actually lay.  But that was the least of his worries at the moment.

 

It hadn't taken much to square away Bran's schooling.  With Giles' help they'd already enrolled him in a new school in Sunnydale, and though he'd miss Ms. Burkle, Bran was more than excited to meet new friends.

 

They were set to move out at the end of the month, Xander having given notice to the landlord that they were leaving.  Tara had been over the previous night for a small going away party, and had even helped them pack a few more items.

 

Xander stood staring out the living room window at the Las Vegas skyline.  The sun was just setting, bathing everything in a fiery orange.    He'd miss the desert colors, but he was sure they were gaining more than enough to make up for the loss.

 

Warm arms wrapped around his waist as Spike pulled him back to rest against his chest.  "Okay, luv?"

 

"Yeah, just taking a last look, you know?"

 

He felt a soft peck at his temple.  "Love you."

 

"I love you, too, Spike."

 

They stood for a long moment just watching the sun fade over the horizon.  As the room grew dark, Xander turned in Spike's arms to rest his head on his lover's shoulder.

 

"Do you think your dad will watch Bran for a few days once we get back?"

 

"'Course, luv."

 

"Will you come with me?"

 

Spike's hold tightened, practically squeezing the air from Xander's lungs.  "Told you I'd help, luv.  Whatever you need."

 

"Thank you."  Xander nipped at Spike's neck, leaving a warm trail of kisses along his collarbone.

 

"Won't let them hurt you, Xan."

 

"I know."

 

They drew apart then, Xander taking Spike's hand to lead him back to the bedroom.  When they got there Xander felt suddenly shy, and more than just a bit vulnerable.

 

"Spike, I...will you make love to me tonight?"

 

Spike's own heart was beating frantically at the thought of taking Xander for the first time.  "You sure that's what you want, luv?  Am I understanding you right, Xan?  You want me to make love to you...to be the one to...to take you?"

 

"Yes, Spike.  Please?"

 

Spike pulled Xander to him, kissing him deeply.  "You'll have to guide me, luv.  You know I've never..."

 

"I know, Spike."  Xander kissed him back.  "Thank you."

 

Spike couldn't help the chuckle that burst out of him.  "Jesus, Xan.  You don't have to thank me for *that*."

 

Smiling, Xander reached up to begin unbuttoning Spike's shirt.  They each took their time undressing the other, leaving small wet trails of kisses along arms, and across abdomens, before they were done.

 

Together they climbed onto the bed, Xander on his back, eyes wide, expression wanting.  Wordlessly he reached over for the lube and handed it to Spike.  He caressed Spike's hip as he watched the other man nervously spreading slick along two fingers.

 

Xander pulled his legs up, holding them open for Spike.  He shivered at the feel of cool air against his now exposed hole.  Spike's fingers played at his entrance, teasing but never fully breaching.  When Spike looked up, Xander gave him an encouraging smile.

 

"Go ahead, Spike.  Ease in slow.  Once you've got both fingers in all the way, just sort of twist them and scissor them until you feel me loosen up, okay?"

 

Spike did as he was told, adding a third finger when Xander deemed it time.  He was so hard and ready he didn't think this would last long, but he wanted to give Xander everything he could.  Everything the other man wanted.  He knew the fear of seeing his parents, and the major changes they were implementing in their lives, had Xander in need of reassurance.

 

Spike pulled his fingers out, using the remaining lube to grease his cock.  He paused long enough to kiss Xander with as much passion and love as he could before positioning himself at Xander's entrance.

 

"Yes, Spike.  Please.  Inside me.  Need you."

 

Spike pushed forward slowly.  He felt as if the air was being squeezed out of his lungs just as his cock head breached Xander's opening.  Heat bloomed around his penis as it was engulfed within Xander's body.  The slick causing a tight suction as he pulled out slowly, only to push back in a moment later.

 

Each thrust drove him deeper into Xander making both men groan wildly.  "Ah, luv.  So good.  So hot and tight.  Never felt anything like it before, Xan.  Love you.  God, love you."  Spike was dropping kisses on every bit of skin he could reach.  Endearments poured out of him as the emotional storm inside of him crested.

 

"Love you, too, Spike.  God, don't ever leave me, okay?"  Xander's mind was thrown back to his painful youth.  "Don't let Anthony scare you away.  Don't let him make you hate me.  Don't, please, Spike.  Don't let him."

 

Spike interrupted Xander's anxious babbling with more kisses, slowing his thrusts down to an almost complete stop.  He brushed aside the stray locks of hair on Xander's forehead, forcing the other man to open his eyes.  "Never, luv.  I'm not Doyle.  I'm not some fifteen year old git *he* can scare away.  Never gonna leave you, luv.  Never gonna let him hurt you again."

 

Xander couldn't help the sob that escaped at Spike's heartfelt reassurances.  At a loss for words, he tightened his hold on Spike and urged him into a faster rhythm.  His lover began slowly at first, building speed until he was practically pounding Xander into the mattress.

 

"Spike!"  Xander's orgasm came over him almost without warning.  Spike's furious taking felt more like possession, and Xander reveled in it.  His testicles drew up tight, and his cock shot strings of sticky come over their joined bodies.

 

Soon after Spike followed him, the contractions around his cock too much for him to handle.  He bucked almost uncontrollably into Xander's body.  Spent and emotionally drained, they left arms and legs entangled as they lay together.

 

"Sorry, luv."  Spike's cheeks colored with his chagrin.  "Lost control, never meant to be so rough with you."  He caressed Xander's nape with a thumb.

 

"No, Spike.  I needed it.  I loved it."  Xander kissed his shoulder in reassurance.  "Love you."

 

"Love you, too, Xan."  Spike squeezed his lover to his side.  "Know  I'll give you whatever you need, luv.  Will call da in the morning, let him know he'll be watching Bran for a few, yeah?  No worries now, luv.  Go to sleep.  Need your rest."

 

Xander nodded gratefully, smiling as he felt a light kiss at his temple just before drifting off to sleep.