Dropping to my knees beside him I rip his shirt off and inspect the wound. His stomach is torn open all the way across. There's so much blood that the sight and smell of it makes me sick.   I hear Red on her cell phone calling an ambulance.   They won't make it in time, he'll bleed out before they get here.   I move to his head cradling it in my lap, stroking the hair from his face.

 

His eyes meet mine and I see death already clouding his vision.   His hand reaches for mine.

 

"I-I'm s-sorry, Spike. I-I...love you."

 

I hear Buffy and Willow crying.   I want to scream, howl, rage at the world.   It's too soon.   No.   I can stop this, he may not like it but he's not leaving me.   His eyes drop closed and I hear his heartbeat slow to an impossible pace.   He's only taking small gasping breaths now.

 

"Red, you still got that spell, the one you used on Angel?"

 

"What?"

 

"The spell, the soul one, do you still have it?"

 

"Yes, but why-"

 

"Spike, No.   You can't."

 

I hear Buffy's voice next to my ear.

 

"Don't bloody well tell me what I can and can't do, it's not your lover laying here dying.   I'm not losing him, do you hear me, I'm not."

 

I throw off my duster and look at Willow .

 

"You've got twelve hours to figure out how to take the clause out."

 

Without further words I open my wrist and hold it over Xander's mouth.

 

"C'mon, luv, drink."

 

His eyes flutter as the first few drops land on his lips.   His tongue snakes out to catch the moisture.   Within seconds he's latched onto my wrist and sucking greedily.   His eyes fall closed again and the harsh lines of pain disappear from his face.   Buffy gasps as she watches the edges of the deep wound in his stomach come together and seal.   I lift his body in my arms, with a last look at Buffy and Willow , I walk toward home tossing my demands over my shoulder.

 

"Be at the apartment in twelve hours, spell and fresh blood in hand."

 

Once home I strip and wash him and then lie him gently in bed.   After covering him I leave the room.   I don't fool myself into not knowing exactly what's going to happen when he wakes.

 

No one knows more than I, how much he didn't want this.   But I couldn't let him go, not yet.    Funny that, how I couldn't let him go, but now I'm going to lose him anyway.   Knowing he's still out there, knowing that someday there may be a snowball's chance in hell that he'll forgive me is so much better than never seeing him again.

 

Wandering around the apartment I debate packing.   Every room holds happiness for me.   I can clearly recall every touch, every kiss in the last six months shared in this apartment.  

 

Sighing I head for the shower, too soon I'll be forced to give all this up and all I want right now is to lie down with Xander next to me and wrap myself around him until Buffy and Willow get here.

 

After toweling off I climb in bed next to him.   Even in the sleep of the dead, his body curls around mine seeking contact.   I spend the next hours touching, kissing and looking. I burn every aspect of him into my memory.  

 

Too soon I hear the faint knocking on the door.   Extracting myself from Xander's arms I go to the door.  

 

I swing the door open letting them in.   Both have red eyes and looks of sorrow.   Shutting the door I keep my back to them and speak before either of them have the chance.

 

"I'm sorry.   I know he's going to hate me, but I couldn't..."  

 

My voice cracks and I feel the wetness gathering in my eyes.   Christ this hurts.

 

I feel arms wrap around me and I turn into Willow 's embrace.   She strokes my hair as my head falls to her shoulder.   I hold her like a life-line as she comforts me.

 

"Shh, he'll understand."

 

I shake my head.   She's wrong, he won't understand and I won't blame him for hating me.   My head snaps up at the sub-vocal growl I hear coming from the doorway to the bedroom.   Quickly releasing Willow I walk toward Xander.

 

When I reach him he buries his head in my shoulder.   Turning his head he gently laps at my neck and I can't stop the shiver that runs down my spine as desperate need floods my body.    

 

"Now, Red."

 

I hold him as he nuzzles my neck unaware of Willow chanting behind us.   I feel his body go rigid as Willow shouts the final words of the spell.   Pulling back I watch the light flash in his eyes.   When his eyes meet mine I step back as the anger begins to form.

 

"Well, pretty soon we're going to be able to start our own club.   Vampires with souls."

 

I feel the anger rise in me as my eyes pin him to the spot he's standing in.   He jerks his eyes from mine as he grabs the bag Buffy's holding and goes to the kitchen.   Buffy, Willow and I stand in silence, my anger at Spike radiating out to encompass them.  

 

When he returns he's holding two mugs of blood.   He hands me one silently.   My disgust is soon replaced by a driving hunger.   After downing the first one he hands me the second.   When both are empty he returns to the kitchen followed by Willow .  

 

Buffy approaches me and lays her hand on my arm.

 

"How do you feel?"

 

She's kidding right.

 

"How do I feel?   I feel like a fucking vampire, how did you expect me to feel."

 

I see the tears gather in her eyes and I harden my heart against her.

 

"Oh Xander-"

 

"Save it.   You could have stopped him."

 

"She tried, she failed."

 

My head whips around at the sound of his voice.   For a split second I feel the love and need I have for him well up and almost spill over.   I push it down, stuff it down behind the anger.

 

"You want to be angry, fine, but be angry with the right person.   Hate the right person."

 

I see his hands shake as he hands me two more mugs of blood.   Once again I feel need swell within me.   His body and his blood call to me making it almost impossible to resist.   I grit my teeth determined to hold onto my feelings of betrayal.   I bring one of the mugs to my lips and drink.   After a few swallows I notice something off about the taste.   Instinctively I know he's laced the blood Buffy brought with his own.   

 

Staring him down I see the truth in his eyes and the proof from the fresh wound on his wrist.   I stalk past him to the kitchen to pour the contents down the drain.   When I reach the sink his voice stops me.

 

"No."

 

I stop dead, mug poised over the drain.   The pull of his voice doesn't allow any leeway.

 

"Drink it."

 

Without conscious thought my arm comes up and before I realize it both mugs are empty. I let the mugs slip from my fingers before turning on him.

 

"You bastard."

 

"Yeah, tell me something new.   You needed my blood and I knew you wouldn't take it from me voluntarily."

 

"Don't you ever do that to me again."

 

We stare silently at one another for what seems like hours.   He opens his mouth but I beat him to it.

 

"Why Spike, you knew how I felt."

 

"I didn't want to let you go.   I was selfish and I'm sorry."

 

"You're sorry?   What the hell good does that do me?   Is it supposed to make me feel better?"

 

I start pacing the length of the kitchen, the aggression within me almost palpable.   Soon the kitchen is too small and I need a larger space.   I brush past him and stomp into the living room.   Buffy and Willow are sitting together on the couch with anxious looks.  

 

I can smell the sorrow and regret pouring off them in waves.   Regret that they didn't try harder to stop him.   I can't blame them really.   I try, but it doesn't come.   All my anger is tied up with Spike.   They did the only thing they could, restore my soul, for all the good it's done me.   I don't want this, with or without the soul.   I don't want to live forever.   I don't want to live like this.

 

Willow is the first to speak.

 

"Xander, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

 

I stare at my best friend.   I've loved her my whole life in one way or another and I can't muster anything other than gratitude that she didn't allow me to become a killer.   I sit next to her on the couch and the flinch I was expecting doesn't come.   Her arms come around me and I feel the wetness of her tears on my neck. I hold her gently in my arms.

 

I look at Spike over her shoulder, my resentment at him for causing her pain radiating from my eyes.   He can't hold my gaze and I feel a small thrill at his guilt.   I see Buffy's head ping pong between us, her sympathy for him warring with her sympathy for me.   I release Willow with a kiss to her hair.   I reach out and squeeze Buffy's hand trying to convey my apology for snapping at her earlier.

 

"Xander there are things you need to-"

 

I cut off his soft voice with the harshness of mine.

 

"Not from you. I didn't want this, I never wanted to be a freak.   I don't need anything else from you."

 

I hear Willow 's softly indrawn breath, I see the brief flash of pain cross his face before his body draws tight and an indifferent mask drops into place.

 

"Right, got it."

 

He grabs his duster and heads for the door. At the sight of his tense back I briefly regret what I said.   Watching him leave I feel a pull deep inside nagging me to follow.   Telling me to stop him, that I don't want him to go.   I force it away and tamp it down into recesses that I'll never access.

 

As the door slams Willow is on her feet clutching my arm.

 

"Xander, don't do this."

 

"He turned me into a monster Will, how you can forgive him?   But you fixed me, my sweet Willow fixed me, thank you."

 

"No. It was Spike. The soul was Spike's idea. He told me to come, to fix it without the clause and bring it.   I-I don't know if I would have thought about it, but he did."

 

I feel a sting down my spine followed again by the instinct to chase after him.   I won't, I can't.

 

"It doesn't matter, it's over."

 

Suddenly I'm tired, more tired than I can ever remember being.   I scrub my hand over my face.   I just want to go to bed and sink into oblivion.  

 

"I'm gonna sleep, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow."

 

After several rounds of hugs they both start for the door, before Buffy is completely out she turns back to me.

 

"He loves you."

 

Her quietly spoken words do nothing to ease the ache that's beginning to form in my chest.   I say nothing, just watch as she silently closes the door behind her.

 

I fall into bed and feel the blessed blackness of sleep coming to claim me.

 

I sit outside Buffy's house waiting for her and Willow to get back.   I knew what was going to happen but I didn't expect it to hurt this much.   Christ but I fucked up this time.   I hear them coming up the street, their voices hushed, too low for even me to hear.   Standing, I curse the nervous energy that makes me shift from foot to foot.

 

They both stop dead when they see me.   Neither knows quite what to say, hell even I don't know what to say.   Suddenly Willow breaks the silence as she ushers me into the house.   Ever the little mother Willow is, always trying to fix everything.

 

I sit on Buffy's couch, head in my hands, whole body shaking, fighting the breakdown I can't seem to stop.   I feel soft hands close over mine and I look up into Buffy's tear stained face; her sympathy and understanding for me shining brightly in her eyes.   I lose the last bit of self-control I had left. Letting my eyes fall closed I feel the wetness slide down my face as I pull her to me.  

 

I bury my head in her stomach as sobs wrack my body.   Her fingers card through my hair as she lets me cry.   I don't see or hear Willow enter the room followed closely by a sleep wakened Dawn.   I only realize their presence when I feel warm arms close around my shoulders and waist. Dawn on my right, Willow on my left.

 

I almost laugh at the irony of being surrounded by beautiful women who want nothing more to comfort me and all I can think of is how much I want them to be Xander.  

 

I pull away from their arms and settle back against the couch.   Buffy shoves a handful of Kleenex at me before sitting in the chair across from the couch.  

 

"You should hate me as much as he does."

 

"We should, we don't."   

 

"It'll be okay Spike. Xander won't stay mad forever."

 

I can't help but smile at Dawn's teenage optimism. She's right on one front, he won't stay angry for eternity, but by the time he loses the anger he'll have moved on far beyond me.   The thought almost splits me wide open, the pain searing my entire body.

 

"I need you to keep Xander out of the apartment tomorrow night.   I need to pack."

 

I watch as three sets of eyes suddenly turn down to the floor not bothering to argue with me. They know I'm right by leaving.  

 

"Spike, w-why...if you knew it was going to be like this, why did you do it?"

 

"Had to Red, couldn't stand to live in a world without him, even if it's a world where he hates me."

 

 

"Spike, Xander loves you.   Yeah, he's mad but he's Xander and he'll get over it.   You have to fight for him."

 

"I've turned him into everything he hates.   I can't push him it'll only make things worse.   If it turns around he has to come to me.   I just came to ask you to keep him out tomorrow night."

 

Buffy stands to block my exit from the living room.

 

"Where are you going?"

 

"Get a hotel, a shower, sleep."

 

"Yeah and what happens when the maid opens the curtains while she's cleaning?   You're not going anywhere you're staying here.   You can have my room, I'll bunk with Willow ."

 

"I can't-"

 

"It's not open to debate."

 

I look at the three faces staring at me.   What did I eventually do right to deserve their love and friendship?   I heave a sigh knowing full well I won't be leaving tonight.

 

"He'll be able to smell me here, smell me on all of you and he'll be angry."

 

"We'll deal."

 

"You don't understand.   There are things going on in his body he doesn't understand.   He'll be jealous, even though he won't know that's what it is.   The blood running though him wants me and he's repressing it.   He'll take it out on you."

 

"So you'll tell us what to expect and like I said we'll deal."

 

I look at Dawn then back to Buffy.   With a nod of my head I head toward the kitchen waiting to speak until she step in behind me.

 

"I think 'bit should go back to bed."

 

"Spike, she's sixteen almost seventeen, at her age I was..."

 

"This is different, this is...men."

 

"Do you think she believes you and Xander lead a sex free life?   She probably knows more than I do."

 

I see the slight blush staining her face as she ducks her head.   I can't stop the softness that invades me at her look.   I loved this girl once and that's not something I can forget easily.   I cup her cheek and bring her eyes to mine.

 

"She doesn't, I'm sure."

 

I smile at her wolfishly and she smacks me in the arm.

 

"Spike!   Dawn can handle it just don't get to graphic. She might be able to handle it but I'm not sure I can."

 

I nod at her and we re-enter the living room.

 

They look at me expectantly and I start to pace.   Vampirism 101 here it goes.

 

"The soul doesn't replace the demon it just tames it.   The first thing you need to know is that the bond between Sire and Childe runs deeper than blood.   Usually the first acts following re-awaking are the exchange blood and fu--sex.   It strengthens the bond.   Although I managed to get enough of my blood into Xander to keep him from being a minion he didn't experience the rest.   His body will crave it, his demon will crave it and he's doing his best to shut that out; he may succeed, he may not.   As long as he continues to shut it out he'll react to my smell and that reaction may not always be pleasant."

 

"Would he hurt us?"

 

"I don't think so, but he may avoid you.   Willow especially."

 

She starts to speak and I silence her with a shake of my head.

 

" Willow is his best friend and the soul of Xander knows that. He'll immediately seek her out for comfort, but the demon will smell me and twist that in his mind.   He'll imagine a whole bloody movie filled with images of why she smells like me.   Red, he's jealous of us.   Has been since I came back.   I could smell it on him occasionally before Xander and I became lovers and I chalked it up to his fear of losing you.   I didn't figure out until after, that he was jealous of you with me.   His demon will hold tight to the image of his lover and his best friend betraying him in the worst possible way."  

 

 

"But we're not...I m-mean I'm..."

 

"His rational mind knows that, but he's a demon now, even with the soul.   He's still a demon, don't forget that and don't underestimate it."

 

"So we'll shower more."

 

"It won't help, the smell is an imprint.   It's underlying and nothing washes it away."

 

My eyes meet Buffy's and she realizes my meaning.   Xander will want to avoid Willow but his instincts will want him to fight Buffy.

 

"He's going to come after me isn't he?"

 

"I think his friendship with you will keep him from trying anything serious, but he's going to antagonize you.   He'll be unable to stop from picking fights with you.   He won't understand and it will add to his confusion.   Just be prepared."

 

"Dawn will be the safest and most likely his closest ally.   My smell on her radiates protection.   The innocence of it will calm his demon and bring him the most peace.   Try to have Dawn around whenever you're with him.   She'll calm the other emotions."

 

"Great, so I'm Xander's woobie."

 

"No.   You'll be his sanity and his voice of reason."

 

I watch the determination creep across her face.   So young.   She's so young to have this life thrust upon her.   Slayer for a sister.   Witches, vampires and demons for friends.   She's grown up so much this last year, maturity replacing juvenile tendencies.   She'll be the one to keep my Xander safe until he comes home to me.

 

"That's it for now.   Be prepared for anything and everything."

 

"Where will you be?"

 

The word lost radiates in my brain and too late I realize I've said it out loud when I hear three heart breaking sighs.

 

"Tomorrow I'll look for an apartment, something I can lease month to month."

 

"Uh, Spike, Vampire." Willows voice is soft with regret.

 

"Got an identity now don't I?   Job to boot.   Hell I've even got credit cards."

 

  Buffy stands, the control freak in her coming to the forefront.

 

"What we all need right now is sleep.   We've only got a few hours until sunrise.   Dawn you can stay home from school tomorrow, but Wednesday you're back on schedule.   Wills you get the extra comforters from the closet to hang over the windows in my room.   I'll move a few of my things into your room."

 

Dawn tugs my arm, obviously wanting to get me alone.   Once in Buffy's room Dawn closes the door.

 

"Do you want me to say with you tonight?"

 

"Nah, 'bit you get some sleep."

 

"Okay, just remember I'm only down the hall if you need anything and Spike don't worry, Xander really does love you.   You'll be back together soon."

 

I nod my head at her.   I'd give everything I've got to believe her.   I haven't slept alone in over six months and I wonder how I'm going to start now.

 

My arm stretches across the bed reaching for Spike.   Encountering emptiness, the events of yesterday slam into me.   Recoiling in horror, I curl into a tight ball in the middle of my bed.   Spike.   My lover, my friend, my future.   Gone.   All of it, just gone, and then the betrayal seeps into me.  

 

I feel the burn of hatred receding with a more pressing emotion.   Need like I've never known washes through me.   Scenes of Spike and I together crowd my brain, his pale body covering mine. His lips and hands touching me everywhere.   I can't stop the whimper as stolen blood courses through me engorging my cock.  

 

My body spasms from the tightly curled position into one of wanton abandon, face down, spread eagle.   My cock pulses as it comes into contact with cool sheets.   With no conscious thought I close my eyes and picture the last contact with Spike.   Driving into him, his legs spread wide as he opened himself for me while pleading words fell from his lips.

 

Grinding my cock hard into the mattress I wonder briefly if I should be embarrassed about fucking an inanimate object.   The thought is quickly erased by the immense pleasure flooding my body as I pull his pillow to my face and inhale deeply.

 

The smell of him sends orgasm pouring through me.   I can't help screaming his name as I come.   For a few brief seconds I let lethargy flow through me.   Disgust follows on its heels.   Disgust at myself, disgust at Spike.

 

Stumbling to the shower I try to scrub off his scent and send it down the drain with the remnants of my orgasm.   I don't remember how long I stayed there, scrubbing, until the sound of Buffy and Willow calling my name brings me back to reality.

 

"Shower." I yell to them over the rushing water.  

 

My ears pick up the sounds of them settling themselves on the couch and turning on the TV.   Neat little trick there, being able to hear so well.   Neat!   No, not neat, disturbing.   It's getting harder and harder to hold onto the anger.   Harder still to remember why I should hate Spike.

 

My cock twitches at the thought of his name and I glare down at the offending body part.   What the hell is wrong with me?   Wanting Spike is not a new feeling, but needing him like this is something I can't understand.   My body is betraying my brain and I don't like it.

 

Dressing quickly I start into the living room only to be assaulted by fierce hunger.   I gasp as I realize I was eyeing the pulse beating in Willow 's neck as she turned to me.   Running for the kitchen I feel my face shift.   Grabbing two of the pint bags out of the refrigerator I try to remember how Spike always did this.  

 

Okay, small hole in the bag to release the air, forty-five second on...hmm, high or defrost?   Damn, why didn't I pay more attention? He was my lover for God's sake I should know how to do this.   The bag falls from hand as the word lover registers in my brain.

 

Suddenly I'm spinning off into a world of fantasy.   Black silk sheets, Spike glowing in candlelight as I dribble blood along his torso.   My mouth lowering to that beautiful body as my tongue collects drops of scarlet.  

 

"Let me help you."

 

Willow 's voice breaks the spell and I stumble back to lean against the counter hiding my face from her.   I don't want her to see me like this.   A monster, something she despises.  

 

After settling the bag in the microwave she turns to face me.   I cringe even further from her.

 

"You don't have to hide from me, Xander.   I don't want you to hide from me."

 

Her hands cup my checks and turn my head until our eyes meet.   She traces the ridges along my nose and forehead with her fingertips.   A sense of calm settles within me and I feel my face shift back to human.   I take a deep breath of relief and the scent of Spike slams into me.

 

Willow is covered in his scent.   I didn't notice before only because the entire apartment smells of him.   But now, this close to Willow , it's sharper.   More recent.   Why?   Why does she smell so strongly of him?

 

"Where have you been since last night?"

 

The tone of my voice startles her and she takes a step back.   There's a part of my brain telling me that this is Willow .   Willow , my best friend.   Telling me to take it easy.   I can't.   I study her from head to toe looking for answers.

 

The ding of the microwave draws our attention.   She turns away from me to grab a mug from the cabinet.   It strikes me that she's very familiar with where the mugs are.   She never drinks coffee when she's here, not even hot chocolate.   She always drinks soda, from a bottle.  

 

Spike is the only one who uses the mugs.   How many times has she been here with him alone?   How many times has she done this exact same thing for him while I was out or at work?   How is it that she's so familiar with how to warm the blood she's so expertly pouring into a mug Spike used frequently?

 

The anger hits me from left field.  

 

"You didn't answer my question, Willow .   Where have you been?"

 

I see her shoulders tense and I brace myself for the lie.

 

"At home, with Buffy and Dawn."

 

She doesn't meet my eyes when she hands me the mug.   She's lying.   I can smell it on her.   The cloying thick scent of deception burns my nostrils as I drink.   My eyes follow her every move making her nervous.

 

I can tell by watching her that she's weighing her options.   She pulls the corner of her lower lip into her mouth as she thinks.

 

"S-Spike came by last night.   He-he wants to come by the apartment tonight and get some things so he asked me and Buffy to take you out."

 

"Really.   He doesn't want me here?   In my own apartment."

 

"He thought it would be better i-if he did it alone."

 

"Well that's just too bad.   I'm not going anywhere.   I want some answers so you and Buffy can just toddle along."

 

I wince slightly at the harshness of my voice but for Christ's sake they're conspiring with the enemy.  

 

"Xander, we're just-"

 

"Trying to help.   Yeah, I get it.   I think you and Buffy should go."

 

"O-okay, but you'll call us if you need anything?"

 

I nod.   I'm already distracted thinking of the confrontation between Spike and I.   I didn't get the answers I wanted last night but I'll be dammed if he gets out of here tonight without telling me what I want to know.

 

After Buffy and Willow leave I turn off all the lights and sit on the couch to wait for Spike.   To wait for my Sire.