I pick up his scent before I'm fully in the door.   He's here.   Which can only mean Willow was unsuccessful in getting him to go out and he's expecting me.

 

I flip the switch to turn on the living room light and walk through, not stopping to acknowledge him.   Stopping briefly in what was once my room I grab a duffle bag.   I'm kept from entering our bedroom by Xander's frame in the doorway.

 

I can feel the anger and energy pent up beneath his skin.   He's practically vibrating with it.  

 

"Xander-"

 

"I want to know why."

 

I drop the bag and pace away from him.  

 

"I told you why, I'm selfish."

 

"Bullshit.   You knew I'd hate you.   Why?"

 

"What would you have done?   Don't stand there and tell me that if it had been me, lying there, bleeding out you wouldn't have opened a vein for me.   I love you for Christ's sake.   I'd rather have you hate me than not have you at all.   For the last time, I'm selfish."

 

"God, Spike, we talked about this.   You promised.   You looked me in the eye and promised me, never."

 

The look of hurt and betrayal in his eyes almost brings me to my knees.   How I'm going to live without him is still a mystery.   Today's lack of sleep is still mocking me.   How long until I can sleep alone again?   How long before I stop reaching for him in the short moments sleep does find me?   How long until the full body ache of needing him is lessened?

 

"They need you.   All three of them.   Almost as much-"

 

I cut off the thought and the words I know he doesn't want.   I grab the bag from the floor and push past him.   Throwing clothes haphazardly into the bag I struggle to shut off my senses.   I can smell us.   Everywhere, the scent of us, together.   Sweat.   Sex.   Heat.   Need.   Bloody Hell it's going to smother me.   Yanking the zipper closed, I take a last deep breath and savor the scent for just a second before leaving the room.

 

He says nothing as I cross the room.   Stopping at the door I turn to him.

 

"I'm sorry, for what its worth.   I'll send the girls to get the rest."

 

His hushed voice reaches me before I'm out the door.

 

"You said there were things I needed to know.   You were right.   I need to know why I'm suddenly angry with Willow because she smells like you.   And I need to know why...why I need you so much it's almost crippling."

 

Closing the door I drop the bag and turn to him.  

 

"I'm your Sire."

 

"Yeah, that's a great help."

 

"Let me bloody well finish will you.   It's the blood.   My blood, inside you, burning through you."

 

His eyes close briefly and a sharp wave of his arousal hits me.  

 

"Will it stop?"

 

"Never completely.   I can still feel Angelus, but it's not strong.   Hasn't been that strong since the first night after he...he took me."

 

"I thought Dru was your Sire?"

 

"Couldn't finish the job.   Loony, ya know."

 

He smiles a bit until he suddenly realizes he shouldn't be.   I watch him fight for control.   His need for me warring with his need to hold onto the anger.   The anger wins.

 

"How long before it stops."

 

"Don't exactly know.   Not without..."  

 

I leave the sentence hanging, wanting him to draw his own conclusions.   Part of me prays he doesn't take the option.   I can't touch him and walk away.  

 

"So, if we...it'll stop."

 

"Mostly.   It'll still be there, but not like it is now.   Not the heat and need that feels like it's tearing you apart."

 

Before the words are completely out I'm up against the wall.   Xander's long body pressed against mine; his nose buried in my neck drawing deep breaths.   My hands clutch his back pulling him closer.   It's only been forty-eight hours but it has felt like a lifetime.  

 

"God, Spike.   I need you.   I hate you, but I need you so much it's killing me."

 

The words slice my heart.   I know the need he feels all too well.   I know it's not love that makes him need me now.   It's the blood.   The blood is the only reason he's in my arms now.   His body shakes as my hands caresses his back.  

 

The low purring in the back of his throat tells me all I need to know.   I walk him backwards to the bed.   I send our clothes flying in every direction.   His hands are everywhere, drawing me down to him.   Our mouths clash, teeth clanging, lips splitting and spilling blood.  

 

Xander's tongue works its way into my mouth pulling my spilled blood back into his.   I take both his hands in one of mine and pull them over his head.   If this is going to be the last time, I'm going to savor it.

 

Steadying him with my body, I try to slow him down.   Growling in the back of his throat his eyes flash gold.

 

"Hard. Fast.   Rough.   Now."

 

"Shhh, luv, calm down."

 

"Don't call me that.   Just...just fuck me, now.   Just make it stop."

 

I feel the tears sting my eyes.   Forcing them back I let my face shift and place my fangs against his neck.   A warning growl issues from my throat.   I'm the Sire here.   I decide how it's going to be.   He stills under me, his demon acknowledging the warning for what it is.

 

I shift his legs apart and settle between them.   My tongue replaces my teeth as I shift back to human.   Long teasing strokes of my tongue along his neck have him arching into me.   His hips shift against me.   A harsh moan escapes him as I tug his earlobe into my mouth.

 

Kissing along his jaw I stop to suck his bottom lip into my mouth.   I feel his rumble of approval vibrate against my chest as he groans into my mouth.   Slipping my tongue along his, I map out his mouth.   As my tongue sweeps along his concealed canines his hips surge against mine.

 

I can't help the moan that slides from my mouth.   Christ how I love him.   Love the way he responds to me.   Love the way his body moves against mine.   Love the way he tastes.  

 

Sliding lower I lick across his chest, taking first one nipple, then the other into my mouth.   Wet broad strokes followed by sharp bites that have him writhing under me.   Moaning and panting interspersed with pleading is my encouragement.   His body has been my canvas for many months and I know exactly where to touch and how hard.

 

The blunt head of his cock nudges my chin as I slip further down the bed between his legs.   Burying my nose in the coarse dark curls framing his erection I inhale deeply.   The scent of his arousal, so sharp here, sends hot need churning through me.   His mind may deny what I mean to him, but his body is only too willing to remember.

 

In on swift move I drop on him, pulling him deeply to the back of my throat.   I swallow several times before slowly sliding him out, my teeth raking every inch of his cock until I hold only the head in my mouth.   Applying hard suction I tongue the slit collecting drops of pre-cum.

 

"Oh, Fuck, Spike."

 

His hands tangle in my hair holding my head steady as he thrusts into my mouth.   My right hand slides down past his balls stroking his perineum briefly before slowly circling his hole with my thumb.   His body thrashes wildly above me as I let the tip of my thumb slide into him.

 

"Yes.   More.   God, Spike, more."

 

He whimpers as I pull my mouth and hands from his body.   Fumbling in the bedside drawer I find the lube and pop the cap.   After coating my fingers, I circle his entrance once again.   Slipping my first finger all the way in, I watch with hunger as he tries to pull me deeper.   Inserting a second and then a third finger I prepare him quickly stroking his prostate softly.

 

Positioning myself between his spread legs I push his legs up and back.   Sliding home in one smooth thrust, I shudder at the feel of him surrounding me.   There's less heat now, no more of the blinding warmth surrounding me like before.   But just as good.   Tight clenching muscles pull me deeper.   

 

I want to do this slowly.   I want to cherish this experience, which may be the last, but the draw of his body is too tempting.   His response to me is too exciting.   My hips piston quickly, finding the right angle to stoke his prostrate continually.

 

"Touch me.   Please, Spike, please."

 

Bracing myself with one arm I let my hand slip between our bodies.   Stroking him in counter to my hips I watch his body shiver.   I feel his body tighten as his orgasm approaches.   I lower my head to capture his lips.   The kiss, almost chaste, brings the tears back.   I rest my check against his and clear my mind focusing on the pleasure of being with him.

 

"I love you, Xander.   Always."

 

I feel his body arch under mine as a broken cry escapes his lips.   All too soon he's coating my hand with cool wetness.   The clenching of his muscles pulls me under.   Pleasure floods my body as I follow him over the edge.

 

Within seconds I feel him pushing me from him.   Pulling back from his body I sit on my heels watching him as his eyes open.

 

"Get out."

 

I don't bother to hide the tears or the pain from his gaze.

 

"Xander..."

 

"I said get out."

 

I feel my heart shatter as he turns from me and stumbles to the bathroom.   The flaring hope I had harbored disintegrating.   The sound of the shower can't quite hide his sobs and I curse the God that gave him to me and then took him away.   I've paid my debt God Damn it.   I've been fighting the good fight for years don't I deserve a break?   Doesn't Xander?

 

After pulling my clothes on I grab my bag and head for the door once again.   Stopping in the living room I grab the picture of Xander, Willow , Buffy and Dawn from the top of the entertainment center.

 

At the phone on the corner next to Xander's building, I dial a number from memory I should have long ago forgotten.

 

I only have three words for the gruff voice on the other end.

 

"I'm coming home."

ANGEL'S POV

 

I put the receiver back in the cradle and look at the clock.   He's hurting and it's not something I know just from the tone of his voice.   I know because he's coming home to me.   We share blood and I can feel his pain.   In the past one hundred years we have shared little else other than pain.   For him to come to me means he has given up.  

 

Part of me rages that my favored Childe aches.   Another part of me knows he asked for it.   But I'll not turn him away.   William was more human than the others.   Held his humanity close to him until the day I finally succeeded in beating it out of him.   I wince at the memory of his lessons learned by my hand.

 

I'll take him in now.   Comfort him and then push him back into the fight. I won't allow him to give up so easily.   I won't allow him to give up his love as I gave up mine.   I don't think of Buffy now, I think of William, as he was, after he was turned.   In the early days he looked upon me as a God and I more often than not treated him like a rodent.

 

But I loved him and I was foolish.   I saw my desperate need for him as a weakness.   I know now that it was a strength.   I know now that the outcome of our relationship could have been different.    

 

I close my eyes and relax in the chair as I wait for him.   He'll be here sooner that he should.   I know my boy and he'll all but break the sound barrier to return to the shelter of my arms.

 

* * * * * * * *

 

I feel a hand on my shoulder and realize I must have fallen asleep.   Looking up I see haunted blue eyes staring back at me.

 

"Sire."

 

His voice breaks with the word.   Unable to stop his tears, he turns away from me, embarrassed that he'll seem weak.   I rise and come to a stop in front of him.

 

"William."

 

At the sound of his given name he slides into my arms.   My chest catches his sobs and his tears.   Soon they lessen and all that is left are brief sniffling hiccups.   Pulling back from me, he searches for his cigarettes.   I briefly debate telling him this is a non-smoking hotel.   I decide against it.  

 

"Wasn't sure you'd let me come."

 

"Whatever else is between us, you are still my Childe."

 

"I've really fucked it up this time, Angelus."

 

I hear the pain and sadness in his voice and I ache for him.   I can't stand to see him this desolate.  

 

"Tell me."

 

"Xander and I...we..."

 

"I know.   Willow and Cordelia talk often.   I know of your relationship with the boy."

 

"He was dying.   Right there in front of me.   I...I couldn't let him go.   I turned him, then I had Red curse him.   Altered the clause of course.   He hates me.   Can't say as I blame him, but it hurts, Sire, so much."

 

For several minutes I'm speechless.   I had known of the relationship.   The rest was news to me.   How can I help him understand the devastation Xander must be feeling?   How can I lead him back to those first new days of his re-awaking, when he raged against me and all that I was.   Can I even help him?   Does he even want my help? Do I want to send him away again?

 

"You're not fighting for him?"

 

"He's made it perfectly clear how he feels.   Told me to get out.   What's left?"

 

I can't help but smile.   His memory must be faulty.

 

"How many times did I tell you the same thing?   How many times did I physically remove you?"

 

"Bit different this time.   He actually means it.   What do I do without him?"

 

"If you love him as much as I think you do, you turn around, go back and fight for him."

 

His eyes tell me all I need to know.

 

"Fight harder.   Fight dirty if you have to, but do not let this go.   Do no make the same mistakes I did."

 

His eyes soften as he watches me.

 

"You did what was best for her."

 

"I'm not speaking of Buffy, William.   I'm speaking of us.   When I came back, after the soul, I didn't fight for you, for us.   I should have and I have regretted every day, that I did not."

 

I hear his small gasp of shock as his eyes go wide.   I've not spoken of my feeling for him in ages and it's clear that he thinks I had forgotten.   He comes closer, his hand rising to cup my check.   Although I know I shouldn't, I lean into his touch.  

 

I've missed him so deeply.   Every part of me cries out for him.   But it is not to be.   His heart now belongs to another and I can't in my selfishness take that from him or the boy.   He needs my help in re-claiming Xander.  

 

I'm startled when I feel his lips against mine.   Again I know I shouldn't, but I allow his tongue to caress mine.   His hands slip into my hair as he fuses our mouths together.   As his body molds to mine I gasp at the feel of him against me.

 

My hands circle his waist riding low on his back, my fingers sliding down to grasp his ass and pull him closer to me.   I moan as his body arches into me, his lips pulling from mine as he bares his throat to me.   His submission nearly sends me crashing to the floor.

 

I step back from him quickly.   This cannot happen.   His eyes spring open.

 

"You don't want me?"

 

I smile at him gently.

 

"I've never stopped, but I'll not have a pissed off Xander Harris gracing my doorstep because I've touched his mate."

 

His pain filled eyes stare at me and I feel my resolve weakening.  

 

"Please, Angel.   I need you, Sire.   Please."

 

"Will-"

 

He's on me before I can finish and we're tumbling back onto the bed.   This is wrong for so many reasons but I can't deny him.   I never could.   He wants me to make the pain go away.  

 

His hands claw at my clothing.   I hear fabric tear and in the haze of desire I can't tell if it is his or mine.   All I know is that suddenly I am skin to skin with my beautiful boy.

 

I feel him rise over me and with sudden clarity I realize he's unprepared.   Before I can even think to move away he's impaled himself completely.   I hear his hiss of pain as he tears.   My hands grasp his hips firmly stilling his movements.

 

I wait for him to adjust, wait for the pain to subside before I allow him to move.   Suddenly he's sliding against me and all I can do is lie back and watch him as he moves on me.   My God he's still so tight.   I feel waves of pleasure course through me with each thrust.

 

My hand reaches for him.   I allow his pre-cum to lubricate my hand as I stroke him.   His head goes back on a deep moan as I scrape my thumbnail over the weeping slit.   Faster now and he's getting close.   I won't last as long as he.  

 

I feel my orgasm starting in the center of my back tingling up my spine. My balls tighten and without warning I'm exploding into him.   My fist tightens around him and my hips pump up into him faster.  

 

He leans forward the slightest bit and from the look on his face I know the changed angle is putting pressure on his prostrate.   With a final strangled cry of Xander's name he pulses over my hand and collapses with wracking sobs against my chest.

 

I stroke his hair until his cries taper off and he falls into sleep.   Gently settling him next to me I curl around his body providing him shelter and comfort.   My heart breaks at the sight of his tear streaked face.

 

After several hours of watching him continually reach for someone who is not there I extract myself from the bed.   Going to the lobby I glance at the clock; realizing the early hour, I hope Buffy will forgive me for calling.

 

"'lo."

 

"Buffy."

 

"Angel.   What's wrong?   Is everything okay?"

 

"Spike is here."

 

"Is he...how is he?"

 

"Not good.   I'm bringing him home tonight.   He says he has nothing left to fight for, but I can't believe that.   I've never seen them together but if his pain is any indication of what they shared then he has to fight for it."

 

I hear her wistful sigh before she begins.

 

"They were happy, Angel.   I've never seen Xander like that.   Spike was everything to him.   I...I could have stopped Spike from turning him, but I didn't.   I just couldn't.   I'm the last person I'd ever thought would say this, but Spike was good for him.   I don't know what to do.   They're both so lost and Xander is so angry with all of us.   Something happened last night, Xander called here for Willow in tears.   She wasn't here and he wouldn't tell me anything.   Angel, I don't know if you should bring him home.   Maybe give Xander a little time."

 

"Buffy I don't..."

 

How do I explain to her that I don't know if I can keep him here?   How do I tell her that I don't know if I can keep my hands to myself?   How do I tell here there's nothing more in the world I want than to keep him by my side for eternity even thought I'm not who he really wants.  

 

"Angel, Spike...explained some things and well, have you...did Spike...I mean are you two..."

 

"Buffy, don't.   I can't talk to you about that.   I'm not sure I can keep him here and keep him safe."

 

"You can, I trust you."

 

"I don't know if I trust myself."

 

"Oh, Angel.   You love him?"

 

How do I answer that?   Love.   A four-letter word that doesn't do justice to what I feel for William.  

 

"I think maybe he needs you more than he needs Xander right now."

 

"Don't.   Don't give me permission, Buffy.   It's the last thing I need."

 

"I just think-"

 

"I'll see what I can do.   I know he'll stay if I ask him, but...I'll keep in contact.   I'm sorry I woke you."

 

I don't wait for her answer before I hang up the phone.   I can hear Spike moving around upstairs and I don't want him to know I was discussing him with Buffy.   I watch him as he moves shirtless down the stairs.   Good God he is perfection.  

 

A small smile graces his lips as he comes to stand in front of me.   When his mouth seeks mine I turn my head away.   I see the brief flash of hurt before his eyes spark with anger.

 

"Bloody Hell, Angelus, don't do this to me.   I came here, home to you, because I need you.   Don't turn me away."

 

"You need me, but you don't want me."

 

"If I didn't want you I wouldn't have taken you into my body.   I wouldn't have started it in the first place."

 

"Whose name, William.   Whose name was it?"

 

I see recognition spark in his eyes followed closely by regret and remorse.

 

"I'm sorry.   I..."

 

He stops as Wesley comes through the front door.   As Xander is William's human weakness Wesley is mine.   I cherish him in silence.   His strength, his beauty calls to me.   Will watches me closely as I greet Wes.

 

"Good Lord what is he doing here?"

 

"He's come to stay for a while."

 

I see the questions in his eyes and I shake my head once.   I'll explain all to him later, now is not the time.   I'm glad that Wes has returned to the fold.   I was afraid he would never forgive me for what I had done.   Time has taken most of our pain away and allowed the comfortable friendship we had once shared to return.

 

Once Wes is settled in his office I follow Spike upstairs.

 

"'Sfunny, you know.   How you tell me to fight for what I want, but you don't take your own advice."

 

"What are you talking about?"

 

I know damn well what he's talking about and I'm not having it.

 

"You and the watcher.   Bloody obvious you want him.   Wants you just the same.   Neither one of you man enough to go after it."

 

"That's enough.   You leave Wesley out of this."   My voice softens before continuing.   "You can stay here, I want you here.   But I'm not taking you to bed again.   Not while you're somewhere else."

 

I turn from him and close the door behind me.   I want him too much for him to wish I was someone else.   Maybe there is a part of me that doesn't want him to want me.   Maybe there is part of me that wants him to be someone else too.   Maybe it's time we both let go.  

 

While on the return to Wesley I try to think of a way to help Spike understand Xander and what he needs now that he is something other than human.

 

*****

"Xander, open this door.   We know you're in there.   If you don't open the door by the time I count to ten I'm kicking it in and you get to explain it to your landlord."

 

I can hear Buffy counting through the door.   Jesus, can't they just leave me alone.   I don't want to see them.   It's been two days since Spike left.   I can't sleep, barely eat.   It feels like a gaping hole has opened up inside my chest.   Anger, fear and need constantly warring with each other in my head.

 

Sometimes the hate is so thick it drowns me and all I can do is rage for hours until I end up against a wall with my knees to my chest sobbing.   I hear the key in the door and wait for the safety latch to give into Buffy's strength.

 

I hear the light switch being flipped.   That one won't work.   Busted that light ten minutes after Spike left.   Don't need them, I can see perfectly.   I see Willow testing each switch looking for one that works.  

 

The kitchen light finally comes on and I hear both of them gasp.

 

"Oh my God, Xander.   What the hell happened here?   Look at all this."

 

I don't need to look, I know what the rooms looks like.   Glass, furniture, pictures, knick knacks.   All broken into tiny pieces of what used to be my life.   All because of him.

 

" Willow , find the extra light bulbs and see if you can find a lamp that's not...broken."

 

I feel Buffy sit on the couch next to me.   She reaches out to touch my hair and I flinch back.   She smells so much like him.   I want to hit her and then bury myself in her arms just to smell him.   Christ, I'm a fucking mess.

 

"Xander, what happened?   Did Spike do this?"

 

"I did it."

 

I leave out the part about the mind-blowing sex that has my stomach clenched in knots.   I leave out the part where, when I finally do find sleep, I wake up hard and aching, reaching for him.   He said it would stop but it's only worse.

 

I can see Willow digging through the rubble looking for a serviceable lamp.

 

"There's one in his old room that probably isn't broken."

 

Willow comes back with the lamp and sets it on floor since the end tables are pretty much kindling now.   Shoddy craftsmanship at it's best.   Willow ’s hand rests on my shoulder as she kneels in front of me.

 

"Xander, please, talk to us.   What happened?"

 

"He promised me, Will.   He promised me never and he lied.   This is what he did to me."

 

She stands and hesitates briefly before she begins to pace and speak.

 

"Xan, I'm gonna say this and you-you're gonna get mad, but I have to, okay.   So, just remember that you've been my best friend my entire life and I love you, okay.   So-so here it is.   Get over it.   Yeah, he broke a promise, a big one and I get that, I do, but he gave you something too.   I mean fine, be mad at him, hate him for eternity if that's what you want, but stop, stop wallowing in self pity."

 

She's got to be kidding.   What the hell did he give me but eternity by myself?   Everyone I know and love is going to die and I'm going to be here to pick up the pieces.   Fine, so I'm being selfish, but God Damn it, it was my life, my life to do what I wanted with it and this wasn't it.

 

I can see Buffy fidgeting nervously on the couch.   I wonder if she can feel my anger?

 

"Will, maybe we should-"

 

"No.   I'm not going to sit here and watch him destroy himself over something he can't change.   I'm all for the angry at Spike part, but it's done, Xander.   If you don't want him, fine, he's gone.   But, stop this, don't do this to yourself.   I need you, Dawn needs you, Buffy needs you, please, Xander."

 

She sinks to her knees in front of me and suddenly our roles are reversed and now she's saving me.   I feel it leaving.   Not the anger, but the fear and the uncertainty.   I need the anger, I need it to help me.   To fuel me.   There are tears standing in her eyes.  

 

I drop to my knees next to her and let her pull me into her arms.   The tears I thought had dried up come back full force as I lean into her.   I feel Buffy come around and hold us both.

 

After what feels like rivers of tears, I feel clean despite the demon living inside me.    The demon who never got a chance to come out and play and maybe I do have one small thing to thank Spike for.  

 

Standing I look at the devastation that was once my apartment and sigh.   Mentally I make a list of all the things I need to do in the morning.   I've already quit my job, sent in the forms to cancel my savings and investment and double-checked my savings account.   Enough money to live comfortably for a few months before I need to find a different job.   One that can cater to my needs.   Maybe Spike can...

 

No.   No Spike.   I can do this on my own.   I can live the life he's given me even if I didn't ask for it.   I can make this work until I don't need it to work any longer.   I can see Buffy once again fidgeting on the other side of the room.

 

"Xan, I need to box up Spike’s stuff.   I have to ship it to him.   I can wait until you're not here if you want."

 

The words 'ship it to him' hit me like a ton of bricks.  

 

"Ship it?"

 

"To Los Angeles .   To Angel's."

 

I can tell this is a conversation she doesn't want to have.   I feel an aching loneliness creep through me and I push it back.   Busy.   I have to stay busy.   The words 'he's gone' are a steady song in my head.   I try to preface them with 'good' but it continually turns into 'Oh God.'

 

"You okay?"

 

I concentrate on Willow 's soft voice.   Busy, have to stay busy.

 

"Yeah, I'm good.   How about we clean up this mess."

 

Have to stay busy.   I push the images of Spike out of my head.   I won't think about how his skin looks in muted candlelight.   I won't think of how he tastes against my tongue. I won't think about how his body would arch under mine as he screamed my name in orgasm.   I won't think about the last words he ever said to me.   I won't think about the ripping pain that sears me at the loss of his touch.

 

I won't think about anything but how much I didn't want this and how, because of him, I have to adjust everything I've ever known.   I won't think about the fact that the one person in my life I trusted with everything I am, betrayed me.   I won't think about how I don't know if I can survive without him.

 

 *****

I've watched him tiptoeing around the boxes Buffy sent for months now.   Every so often he sits and stares at the still sealed boxes in the corner of his room.   I don't know what else to do to ease his pain, to make it easier for him to face the ghosts in those boxes.

 

The first month was spent drunk.   The second was split between rage, guilt and fear.   These last four have been edged in a desperate loneliness that nothing seems to quell.   I hear Wesley come up behind me and I can't stop the smile as he rounds the chair to stand in front of me.

 

Will was right.   I watch Wes' quick darting glances around the lobby before he leans in and touches his mouth against mine.   I can't stop the happy sigh that is released from me at the taste of him.   We've tried very hard to be discreet.   I don't wish to taunt Will with my happiness when he is so isolated, but it hasn't been easy.

 

The first time he found us clutched together in Wes' office he was gone for days.   I was overcome with worry and grief.   His only words to me upon his return were 'I'm happy for you.'   Neither of us has spoken about Wesley and I since, but I know why it is that he leaves every evening not to return until almost sunrise.

 

I know why the sight of us together haunts his eyes.   I understand and accept his occasional bouts of jealously.   I know I'm not the cause, my happiness is and I can't begrudge him that.   I have found what he lost.   Sometimes when I see the pain eating slowly away at him I have to turn away or lose myself in him.

 

Wesley understands as I suspect no other ever could.   He's been patient with Will and I, knowing we have a bond stronger than most humans could ever understand.   He understands that when I cry for William, it is not for the future he and I lost years ago, it is because I can't ease his pain, as I so desperately want to do.

 

Wesley's voice startles me out of my thoughts.

 

"He took a knife to his room, I think perhaps he's decided it's time."

 

I kiss him gently, molding his body to mine for brief seconds.

 

"Thank you."

 

I reach Will’s room just as he puts the first box on the bed.   His hands shake as he reaches forward with the knife to cut open the packing tape.   Once the tape is cut he steps back and closes his eyes.   From the doorway I can smell them, their scents mingled, slowly floating on the air from the box.  

 

He drops the knife to the floor, the arm closest to me extends, palm up, fingers reaching.   I shift to his side quickly and take his hand in mine.   His voice is watery, and constricted when he speaks.

 

"Sire."

 

"I'm right here William, I'm right here with you."

 

His breath hitches on a restrained sob as he opens his eyes and steps forward.   I'd give anything to take this pain from him.   I can't.   He needs this to move forward.   He needs to let it rip him open and cleanse him.

 

The next three hours are an act of torment as he continually alternates between wistful laughs and bitter tears as every box is emptied and inventoried.  

 

"Is that all the boxes?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Something is missing.   The medallion I bought just after Xander and I...became lovers.   It reminded me of us.   The last night I wore it was the night I turned him.   I took it off to shower.   It was caked in blood and I wanted to clean it.   I never got a chance to put it back on.   Guess it got lost."

 

"Do you want me to ask Willow about it the next time she calls?"

 

"No, just another reminder and I've got a whole bloody room full of those now, don't I."

 

He stands and within minutes the room is back to normal.   Most objects replaced in the boxes and put into the closet, the rest, distributed throughout the room.   I feel hope bloom in my chest.   I can see him accepting, getting stronger with each move he makes.   I can see a small sense of peace settle over him as he touches random photos and knick-knacks.

 

"I'm going out."

 

I touch his arm and he turns to me.

 

"I'll be alright.   Just need a bit of air is all.   I'll be fine."

 

And I know he's right.   He will be.   William is a survivor.   His pain will recede and although he may never be completely whole he will be fine, in time.