Quotations from The Tick
 

Tick: Ah ha-ha, chess! The ancient contest of wits! Two opponents: mano a mano. Braino a braino. And look! Magnets for ease of travel! You could play chess on the moon!

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Tick: Ah, savory cheese puffs, made inedible by time and fate.

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Tick: And my middle name used to be Helping People, The "Helping People" Tick.

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Tick: And so, may Evil beware and may Good dress warmly and eat lots of fresh vegetables.

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Tick: And that's just it, Doc -- my mind has always been my Achilles' heel!

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Tick: Can't lose my name, it's on all my stationery.

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Tick: Deadly Bulb! I'm about to write you a reality check! Or would you prefer the cold, hard cash of truth?

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Tick: Destiny's powerful hand has made the bed of my future, and it's up to me to lie in it. I am destined to be a superhero. To right wrongs, and to pound two-fisted justice into the hearts of evildoers everywhere. And you don't fight destiny! No sir! And, you don't eat crackers in the bed of your future, or you get all... scratchy.

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Tick: Destiny, that finely-shaped engine of the universe with the warm hands and the tasteful footwear, pushed Arthur, wings and all, into my path. We were meant to be together, friends to the end. He has a three-pound brain, and it's all smarts!

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Tick: Don't ever try to swim against the mighty tide of justice.

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Tick: Don't make us bite you in hard-to-reach places!

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Tick: Everybody was a baby once, Arthur. Oh, sure, maybe not today, or even yesterday. But once! Babies, chum: tiny, dimpled, fleshy mirrors of our us-ness, that we parents hurl into the future, like leathery footballs of hope! And you've got to get a good spiral on that baby, or evil will make an interception!

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Tick: Evil, chum, is ever-green!

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Tick: Gravity is a harsh mistress!

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Tick: Hey! You in the pumps! I say to you, "Stop being bad!"

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Tick: Honk if you love justice!

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Tick: I don't know the meaning of the word 'surrender'! I mean, I know it, I'm not dumb... just not in this context.

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Tick: I'm betting that I'm just abnormal enough to survive.

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Tick: I'm sure millions of viewers out there are just wondering what it's like to wear the tights of justice. Well, it's tingly and it's uncomfortable, but it gets the job done and, oh, the job of it!

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Tick: I'm taking off the kid gloves, and putting on the very mad gloves!

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Tick: It's starting to smell a little like danger in here, or heavily-fried food.

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Tick: Let your journey into hugeness teach us all a lesson. Absolute power is a sticky wicket. And, Arthur, chum, you were the stickiest. Don't you get it, good friend? Some of the best things come in small packages. But large things can't! Unless they're inflatable, or require some assembly, or unless they're hearts. Yes, giant, juicy, loving hearts! As big as the moon, but much, much warmer!

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Tick: Like a great blue salmon of Justice, the mighty Tick courses upstream to the very spawning ground of evil.

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Tick: Man! Today is so loopy!

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Tick: Mucal invader, is there no end to your oozing?!

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Tick: Nobody mucks around with the Tick's bodily membranes! Prepare for swift justice!

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Tick: Not baked goods, Professor; baked bads!

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Tick: Oh, look, Arthur, it's a completely rehabilitated villain. She's comfortable with herself. Comfort, commitment, marriage, what do these things have in common? The letter 'C' except for marriage, and if people get all British whenever they get knocked on the head, what do British people get? I know... comatose! Another 'C'.

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Tick: Oh, science... boring... interest... fading...

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Tick: Oh, what a goofy work is man!

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Tick: Ottoman, there'll be no Justice of the Peace for you; just a big piece of justice!

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Tick: Poppa's got a brand-new bag... of fish!

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Tick: So once again, we find that evil of the past seeps into the present like salad dressing through cheap wax paper, mixing memory and desire.

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Tick: Space aliens have neat stuff! Their space cookies are good, too!

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Tick: Special delivery! Oh, Arthur! The thrill of modern postism!

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Tick: Thank you for teaching us all that love is thicker than most bodily membranes. But not quite as sticky. And that a heart full of love is better than a body full of people. Merrily, the feet that carried us on the heart's path today will be the feet that soak in the steaming brew of happiness tomorrow.

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Tick: The human mind is a dangerous plaything, boys. When it's used for evil, watch out! But when it's used for good, then things are much nicer.

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Tick: The night is young and we have umbrellas in our drinks.

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Tick: Their Achilles' heel is the noogie!

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Tick: Villains always have antidotes. They're funny that way.

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Tick: Wait a minute, you! I heard about people like you! Are you saying you don't believe in Santa Claus?! And you call yourselves superheroes?!

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Tick: We're sworn to protect The City. And we're just going to have to face it: that includes the sewers.

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Tick: Well, once again we find that clowning and anarchy don't mix.

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Tick: Well, once again, my friend, we find that science is a two-headed beast. One head is nice, it gives us aspirin and other modern conveniences... But the other head of science is bad! Oh, beware the other head of science, Arthur! It bites!

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Tick: When a nice clean brain tumbles into the dirty street to lay among the discarded wrappers and spat-out gum wads of wickedness, you can't just pick it up and wash it off with soap and water; you have to think it clean from the inside out!

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Tick: Yeah, I agree, falling in love with a supervillain is trouble with a capital troub!

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Tick: Yeah, well, don't count your weasels before they pop, dink!

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Tick: Yes, my slimy friend, once again slime does not pay! You can't just coat yourself with artificial mucous and slip through the long fingers of the law. It's wrong and it's gross.

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Tick: You know why super villains are so unhappy, Arthur? They don't treasure the little things.

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Tick: You know, Arthur, it's really been quite a day. On the outside, oh, sure, we were pursued by Swiss Industrial Spies, trapped in the belly of a whale. But what really pursued us? Where were we really trapped? C'mon, Arthur! Get meta with me! What pursued us were our own obsessions. I'm good, you're evil. I'm a superhero, you're a sidekick. I'm a woman, you're a man. What does it all mean?! Nothing! And where were we all trapped? I'll tell you where, Arthur! In the belly of Love -- Love, Chum, Love.

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Tick: You know, Arthur, when you spend two months riding around on a really big man, you start to learn a few things about yourself. You learn that it is a really great thing to stay on Earth and live in a place that has no arms or legs of its own. And most importantly, Arthur, you learn how to close your eyes and tell yourself that this just isn't happening to me.

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Tick: You know, though today was the worst day of my life, I learned many things. First, the world looks a lot different when you're six inches tall and covered with feathers. Second, two heads are definitely not better than one. And finally, you can lay eggs and still feel like a man.

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Tick: You know... I've heard the smarter you are, the more wrinkly your brain. And your guys' brains must be the wrinkliest! Oh, sure, ordinary Joes like me and Arthur here, maybe our brains are a little on the smooth side. But you don't have to be a genius to know that evil is bad. And good isn't!

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Tick: You're not going crazy! You're going sane in a crazy world!

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[The Tick has a certain eating utensil in his hand. He is trying to come up with a battle cry that will strike terror into the hearts of evil-doers.]
Tick: SPOON!

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Tick: You know, evil comes in many forms, be it a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin. But you can't let the package hide the pudding. Evil is just plain bad! You don't cotton to it! You gotta smack it on the nose with the rolled up newspaper of goodness! Bad dog! Bad dog!

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Arthur: I am through being your sidekick. I'm through being your pudgy comic relief!
Tick: Arthur, stop it. You know I'm my own comic relief.

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Tick's Brain: Tick, this is your mind speaking.
Tick: Oh! Hello.
Tick's Brain: Sorry I haven't been around much lately but I'm easily distracted by shiny objects.

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Tick: You know, Arthur, when evil is afoot, and you don't have any arms, you've gotta use your head. And when evil is ahead and you're behind, you've gotta do the legwork. But when you can't get a leg up, you gotta be hip. You gotta keep your chin up, and kick some---
Arthur: Tick, we get the idea.

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Tick: Breadmaster! Your culinary crime wave has crashed on the shores of JUSTICE!
Arthur: Nice one.

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Thrakkorzog: Cloning is a precise science. That's why I use the Clonerizer. It costs more, but you get what you pay for. My own recipe calls for a generous portion of Dr. Thrakk's Secret Cloning Sauce, a pinch of oregano, 'cause you know a little goes a long way, and last, but not least, your toenail. Mix well aaaaand voila!

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Thrakkorzog: Quite frankly, that's why I was so glad to find this great apartment. You'd be surprised how hard it is to get a place in the city. Never mind that most folks are hesitant to rent to a slime-based organism, much less one with intentions of taking over the world...
Thrakkorzog's Sentient Tongue: And eating brains. Don't forget the brains!

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Arthur: Are you aware your roommate is a hideous monster from another dimension with evil plans for world domination?
Thrakkorzog's roommate: Listen, a good roommate relationship is based on a respect for privacy.

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Tick: It's your turn now, Thorace-bog!
Thrakkorzog: It's "Thrakkorzog." Thrakkorzog! With a K!
Tick: We're only serving humble pie, Whatchamazog!
Thrakkorzog: For the last time, it's--
Tick: Thorax-and-a-bog. Four-yacks-and-a-dog.
Thrakkorzog: No!
Tick: Ah, laxative-log.
Thrakkorzog: No, no, no!
Tick: Sapsucker-frog!
Thrakkorzog: Thrakkorzog!
Tick: Susan?
Thrakkorzog: Now you're doing it on purpose. How juvenile!

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Tick: Well, folks, there you have it. A day in the life of a superhero and his sidekick. It's a very long day, the tights are uncomfortable; I think we covered that before. Map light, convenient and essential. A lot of working of villain motifs. Crime has a Bossa Nova beat. Leap before you look. Remember denouement. Other French words: inconvenient, nonessential... oh... I could go on and on... But time's a-wasting and evil's out there making hand-crafted mischief for the swap meet of villainy. And you can't strike a good deal with evil. No matter how much you haggle! We don't need to look for a bargain; goodness is cheap because it's free, and free is as cheap as it gets. Cut! What was that pig about?!