by Lazuli
Part 2 ~ Puzzled
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After an exhausting night, so unsettled that Ray would
swear he’d been less tired before he’d slept, he was grateful when the clock
hit a time when he felt he could get up and get on with the day. Not that progression
was fast or satisfactory. He spent too long in the shower, just letting the
water pound onto his skull as he tried to come to terms with everything he’d
learnt and experienced the previous day. The idea of Ben being unable to walk was harrowing, and Ray’s
fault, and it didn’t matter that people with such disabilities could make very
successful and rewarding lives for themselves, this was Benny he was thinking
about, and Benny wasn’t made for confinement. Ray both clung to, and dismissed, the doctor’s verdict,
that there was nothing physically stopping Ben from getting back on his feet,
because it was nonsense, surely? Ben’s mental constitution was scarily robust,
there was no way he’d be lying back and taking this when there wasn’t a
physical reason for his condition. Something had gone badly wrong, and they were missing it,
or… Ray was fooling himself, some might say punishing himself, because he’d
never been able to address the true depth of his despair over the shooting. Self
flagellation wasn’t enough, he’d wanted Ben to lash out, let Ray take his
punishment so he could move on. Clemency had proved itself a cruel and devious
acquaintance, and Ray had spent years waiting for Ben’s mercy to come to a
screeching halt. But even now, Ray wasn’t sure that’s where they were going.
Ben wasn’t about blame or forgiveness, he was currently dealing with his own
horror story, he didn’t need to delve into Ray’s. … First thing after a room service breakfast, Ray did his
best to put his thoughts in order and called Ra— Kowalski. “Hey, it’s Ray Vecchio, do you have time to talk?” That worked, avoiding the name altogether. “Hi, Ray, how are you?” “I’m good. You and the family?” “Is it insensitive to say we’re happier than ever?” “No,” Ray laughed, “that was the idea.” “Stella’s waving, she says hi.” “Say hi back.” Ray listened as the message was passed on. “What can I help you with?” asked the Ray who wasn’t Ray
Vecchio. “This isn’t why I’m calling, but do you know who you are
all the time?” “Umm… Nowadays, just about. Although I’m still convinced I
have a sister called Francesca. New location worked wonders. Previously, I was
totally screwed up.” “Thank God, it’s not just me then.” “Want me to call you Armando?” Ray could hear the grin in Ra—
Kowalski’s voice. “No. That’s one thing I’m sure about.” “Rather than the Vecchio twins.” “Oh, yeah.” Ray took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, this is
where it gets bad. Sitting down?” “Wait… I am now.” “About a month ago Fraser was in an accident and is currently
in an IRF in Chicago.” It came out in a rush, or it wouldn’t have come out at all.
Just as well that Kowalski’s brain needed a moment of silence to absorb the
information. “You’re kidding. Well, no, you’re not kidding. Why didn’t
anyone let me know?” “Same reason I only just found out. Well, maybe not. I got
pulled into this because my bullet almost killed him.” “You shot him again?” “No, the original one.” “Oh, right.” “Fraser was in a traffic accident, the bullet shifted and
had to be removed, and now… Now he’s in a wheelchair, and that may be how he
stays.” There was long silence. “You still there?” “I’m…in shock.” “Me too.” “You at the facility?” “Yep. I’m not sure Benny wants me here, but his Patient
Advocate came and got me.” “You want me there?” “Be realistic, you can’t.” “Ah, shit, you’re right. But…” “No, no buts. Okay, this is the thing… You have any clue
where Diefenbaker is?” “Doesn’t Fraser know?” “I can’t get more than a few words out of him, he won’t
hold a conversation, and I’d bet particularly not this conversation. It’s not just me, he’s barely talking to the
people trying to help him. He’s faking being asleep to avoid people – just
hours of lying there, eyes closed. He’s like a different person.” “You think he knows?” “If he does he doesn’t care. Okay, that’s harsh, if this is
his way of coping with what’s happening, who am I to criticize? All I know is,
I can’t ask the Dief question.” “No,” Kowalski agreed. “You tried the pound yet?” “That’s next on my list. Then I’m trying vets and rescues. But
I don’t know if Dief was still around anyway when this happened. Fraser was up
to something, he’s thin, his hair’s grown out, he had a beard…” “This isn’t right. I think I need to be there.” “No, you know the deal, you focus on your responsibilities.
I’ll keep in touch, but if you have any ideas, or hear anything, let me know.” The call ended with friendly, audibly worried, goodbyes. Ray,
the one who was definitely Vecchio, felt better for the contact. He wasn’t
alone in this but he felt so alone. He
had no idea how he’d manage when Miriam was gone. True to his word, Ray found a directory and looked up
numbers for the dog pound, local vets and animal rescues, finding himself, not
only writing those down, but making comprehensive notes of everything for
future reference as if he were building a case. He sat in total, contemplative
silence for a few minutes before making calls, which were generally non-productive,
but the suggestion of a poster campaign stuck in Ray’s head. He was grateful to his Florida self for packing up all his
photos to bring along on this visit, on the off chance it would help cheer Ben
up. Rifling through the past made Ray happy and sad in equal measures, but he
kept going until he found the picture of Diefenbaker he’d been looking for. Local print shop located, thirty minutes and a rushed
design session later there were a hundred ‘lost dog’ notices for Ray to tape up
around Ben’s old neighbourhood. Checking his watch Ray realised that would have
to wait, he had to get to the IRF. But, he’d been told to bring something… He looked around a couple of local stores, and came away
with a puzzle ball made up of multiple wire shapes that would probably take Ray
a couple of years, and Ben a couple of hours, to untangle. Staying with puzzles
he bought a book full of the things. Ben liked solving problems, he reasoned. If
he was bodily inert, his mind could be occupied rather than spacing out and
faking sleep. If these were bad choices, Ray accepted he’d have to try again,
but at least he was trying now; the
previous evening his mind was so scrambled he couldn’t have even told Miriam if
Ben liked sugar in his coffee. … Miriam was waiting in the visitor area when Ray showed up,
and the relief on her face made Ray curse himself for not taking her number and
letting her know he’d be in mid-morning rather than first thing. “I thought you weren’t coming,” were her predictable first
words to him. He quickly explained about Diefenbaker and showed her a
copy of the flyer he’d had made. “I didn’t know about his dog.” Ray didn’t bother to correct
her. “That’d be a huge worry, providing—” “You can say it: providing he’s alive. I’m not saying
anything to Benny about it.” “You will if you find something out?” “Maybe. Depends what it is.” “You sure about the reward? You’ll get all the whackos
coming out of the woodwork.” “They can if they like, no-one’s getting paid until Dief’s
in the back of the car.” Ray gently prised the flyer out of Miriam’s hands. “Gosh, poor Ben, poor dog, that makes me so sad.” “Positive thoughts, huh?” Ray said, despite his own sense
of foreboding. “How is he today?” “Same as yesterday. No,” Miriam frowned, “not quite. I
think he’s listening for you.” “But that could be so he doesn’t get taken by surprise and
is ready to ignore me.” “True. Look, before you go in…” Miriam waved them both to seats. That was concerning. Ray
was always suspicious when a conversation had to be sitting down. It wasn’t
only him, ask Ray Kowalski after this morning’s phone call. “My opinion,” Miriam began, “is not backed up by tests and
charts, but by my knowledge of people. Of Ben. I don’t think he’s going to get
better in this place, it’s too overwhelming and busy for him.” “Okay,” Ray said warily. “There are several bungalows in the area that belong to the
chain that owns this facility, and they’re all built and furnished for
supporting the disabled. I know that at least a couple are currently available,
and they’d be a much better fit for Ben. If he didn’t feel so institutionalised
it may encourage him to work harder for himself.” “That only sounds completely too good to be true. What are
the bungalows like? Will they mark him out as…y’know…different? I think he’d
hate that. Although…once I’d’ve said he’d cope with whatever life threw at him
and make the best of it. I’m not sure I know this Benny.” “You’re in too much of a hurry,” Miriam pointed out with a
modicum of sympathy. “You’re right. I want him to make me feel better. Tell me
I’m a jerk.” Miriam smiled. “The bungalows look completely average other than the ramps
for accessibility. Inside, there’s lots of space, and the doorways are wide
enough for wheelchairs, the kitchen counters and other surfaces are low enough,
they have wet rooms, all the slings and grab rails are in place. They’re
designed to make a person in Ben’s condition as independent as possible,
whether that’s temporarily or long term.” “Could I could stay with him?” “I wouldn’t be recommending it otherwise. Until Ben can adequately
manage his condition, there’d be carers available to come in and help with
bathing, that kind of thing, day to day basics that Ben or you wouldn’t
necessarily be comfortable sharing. Other professionals can attend and give
advice on things we take for granted, like…clothes choices and dressing, making
a bed when you’re in a chair, that kind of thing. He’s already been through
these things here, but it’s different when you’re managing on your own,
despite…” she gestured at Ray, who was already nodding. “Sounds good.” “And here’s the big question: are you staying around, or
are you going back to Florida any time soon?” “If I go it’s just to put an end to that life,” Ray told
her earnestly. “I’m back. As long as Benny needs me, I’m here.” Miriam slumped in her seat. “I cannot tell you how relieved I am.” She studied Ray
curiously for a moment. “I know it’s none of my business, but… The conversation
we had about you was one of the few he truly engaged with. The way he talked
about you, the way you are with him, how did you lose touch in the first place?” “You’re right, it’s none of your business.” Miriam didn’t even look abashed for asking, and Ray
couldn’t be bothered to fight letting his guard down. “He didn’t need me anymore. I had to work away for too
long, when I came back I walked into a shit show – excuse my language, but it
was. I got shot and, afterwards, when there were choices to be made, Benny
didn’t choose me. He rode off into the sunset with my replacement, and I clung
to what was left, made a great friend, but beyond that it didn’t work out. I
ended up, stuck and miserable, in Florida, then one day you came along and rescued
me.” “That’s a lot.” “It is indeed a lot,” Ray agreed, feeling unexpectedly
lighter for the honest exposition. “I’m not surprised you shot him.” Ray laughed ironically. “Oh, no, that’s a whole other story. A very painful one.” “Sorry.” “Don’t be. Let’s get on with this. Where do we start?” “Paperwork,” Miriam said with a roll of her eyes. “It’s
always the paperwork.” … Left to introduce the idea of independent-ish living, Ray
took a moment to steady himself outside room twelve before quietly letting
himself in. Much as he had the previous day, he moved to the side of the bed
and ran the back of a finger over Ben’s hand. Today there was no attempt to
disguise the reaction, Ben raising his hand into the brief touch. “Hey, Benny.” No reply; eyes shut. “I’d’ve got here earlier
but I’ve been talking to Miriam and your doctor, and the person with all the
paperwork.” The visitor’s chair had been moved away from the bed; Ray
brought it back and sat. “Miriam thinks you’d be better off away from this place and
I agree with her. Okay, it’s not my decision but I think you need to listen to
this.” Ray went on to repeat everything he’d been told about the
bungalows, and the assistance provided, and the opportunity it gave for a
degree of independence. Ben’s head gave a barely discernible tilt in Ray’s
direction, clearly taking everything on board. “There’s a nice one not too far from here, so close enough for when you need to come in for treatment, or physio, or whatever the hell they have planned for you.” Ray steeled himself. “They need someone to be with you until you get the hang of things, and that can be me, if that’s what you want.” No answer. “You don’t have to make the decision right this minute, but if you like the idea we – no, you – should let them know so someone else doesn’t get there first.” No answer. “It wouldn’t be all me, there’d be other people coming in to help out. But I’d be there.” Ray paused awkwardly. “If you want me to be there.” Ray wondered if Ben had drifted off to sleep, or if he hated the idea of being at Ray’s mercy, or if he just hated the idea of being with the guy who shot him and put him in this predicament. “This should be all about you, but I’m really feeling sorry for me, begging for crumbs. No wonder you chose the other guy.” Three circuits of the room and Ray came back to the bed. “I was told you bring you something to cheer you up, or get you interested in anything other than the back of your eyelids. I chose a ridiculous puzzle, and a puzzle book which is probably…also ridiculous.” Ray took the puzzle ball out of one coat pocket, and the book out of another. The ball went on Ben’s night stand, and Ray settled down with the book, flicking through the options. “Numbers? Nope. Puzzle two… That’s… I don’t even know what that is. Crossword? That’s a start. Okay… One across. Gorilla or chimpanzee?” Ray thought. “Yep, primate.” He wrote that in. “One down… Intentionally delay. Procras— Too long. Intentionally delay. Eight letters. Benny, you’re not helping. Why did I start this? I hate crosswords. I get one word stuck in my head and…” “Postpone?” “Finally!” Ray added the word. “Okay… Nope. Nope. Nope. Twelve across, 10 letters, starts with O. A binding promise or contract.” This time Ray offered no suggestions, just waited to see if he’d get an answer from Ben. “Obligation?” “I’m writing it in.” “Ray…” Ray fell still, stupidly anxious at the sound of his name. “Yeah?” Ben’s head turned to him and his eyes opened. “How do I get out of here?” Breathing a sigh of relief, Ray set the book aside and moved closer. “I think you listen to these people telling you how it all works and say yes. But you have to listen, and show you understand, and communicate. I’d do this for you if I could, but I can’t.” “You’re on my living will.” “And you’re too alive for that to matter. This is about you showing them that you understand how this would work, and can make the right decision, right now. You’ve withdrawn, and they’re worried, so you have to convince them this is what you want and that you can cope with the change. More than cope, benefit. Use the words they want to hear, like independence, personal growth and potential to thrive, and… I don’t know, insist you’ve always wanted a garden. I can get the doctor and the guy with the moustache here, and…” “The guy with the moustache?” “I wasn’t paying attention, I was looking at a picture of the bungalow, and it’s great, but you have to convince him too, I think he’s maybe…finance? Damn it, I don’t know, just engage and get out of here so you can get better.” “With you?” “Yes. Unless that’s a problem. Is that a problem?” “No.” “Then I’ll go find them and drag them in. You just channel old Benny, charm them, baffle them with Inuit tales, sing a song about a reindeer, whatever you used to do to bedazzle people, just do it.” Ben actually had a smile on his face at that tirade. “What?” Ray asked. “I’ve missed you.” Those simple words hit hard and left Ray speechless. With a nod, he hurried away to find the people he needed to deal with to spring Benny from this place. But he stopped in the seating area, sitting just long enough for his emotions to settle and the newest spasms of alarm to pass. They could do this. Ben had missed him. He could do this. … Ray paid careful attention when the nurse and orderly came around later to sit Ben up for a meal, needing to learn what assistance was necessary, and how to help without causing problems through clumsiness or incompetence. Once Ben was up and comfortable, Ray cancelled the meal Ben was being brought and ordered pizza from a local restaurant instead, waving away arguments about dietary needs with the rationale that, at this point, Ben picking at unhealthy food was little different to Ben picking at their healthier offerings. And anything that went down was far better than Ben not eating at all. He didn’t care about pissing them off, the paperwork had all been signed and the finances agreed by the man with the moustache, who Ray still didn’t know the name of, and couldn’t be bothered to find out. Ben had paid him unusually close attention though, and Ray did wonder what he’d missed, if anything. Maybe Ben was suspicious of everyone in this place, and moustache guy was simply someone new to be suspicious of after the doctor and Miriam had passed their own bout of heavy scrutiny. As Ray waited for the pizza to arrive, Ben fiddled with the puzzle ball, silent again now the necessary engagement was over. Ray was ignored once more, but in a comfortable way: it reminded him of past times they’d spent together in contented silence, when the other’s company was quite enough. When the food arrived Ray placed the box on the overbed table and wheeled it along to Ben. The pizza was huge enough to be daunting to someone who apparently had little appetite, but it smelt glorious and Ray hoped that Ben might be tempted to manage a slice. He’d even settle for half a slice. A crust. He turned away to find glasses for the soda he’d ordered and, when he turned back, he found Ben had already finished one hefty slice and was ravenously starting on the second. Ray couldn’t stop the satisfied smile, but behind that his mind was racing. “You hate their food, or is something going on?” he asked, trying to sound casual but that was never going to work. Ben shook his head and kept eating, leaving Ray wondering what he was saying no to, or if he was just being dismissive. It probably mattered in the moment, but what mattered more was Ben shovelling down pizza and accepting a glass of Coke without hesitation. But Ray’s curiosity was piqued, and he couldn’t wait to get Benny out of this place, just to get him to talk. … After dinner Ben switched off again, and Ray was now more accepting. The earlier conversation with Doctor Elliott and moustache man had proved that Ben could still be chatty, endearing and persuasive when he wanted to be, so if he didn’t want to be… There’d be time for answers soon. This time when Miriam suggested he leave so that Ben could use the commode and wash up before being settled for the night, Ray checked with Ben before agreeing to go. No spoken response at all from Ben, but when Ray repeated the touch to his hand, the physical response was there, and more pronounced. “I’ve got a couple of things to do in the morning, then I’ll be back. That okay?” Ray asked. The hand twitched. That was okay. Ray said a reluctant goodnight and left with Miriam. “How long until the bungalow is ready?” he asked as they strolled along the corridor to the main doors. “A couple of days, if that. I’ll do what I can to put pressure on. The homes are kept ready to take patients and, as Ben is failing to thrive here, they’ll want him moved fairly quickly. It’s not like they’re abandoning him, support workers will be in and out all the time so they don’t have much to worry about.” “You likely to still be here when he’s moved?” “I doubt it,” Miriam said sadly, “and I’d’ve loved to see him settled in.” “You will be back?” “In a couple of months. My dad’s had a bad seizure. He’ll get over it but it takes a while and my Mom panics if she’s there alone with him. Oh, darn it, I want to be here to see Ben back on his feet.” “I’ll make sure he stays in touch. If he’s difficult, I’ll stay in touch.” “At least you realise he might be difficult. Taking him away from here could relieve a degree of stress, but he’s not going to go back to the person you remember overnight. If he’s uncharacteristically disagreeable or withdrawn, recognise his frustration and distress over the situation and don’t take it personally, just give him time and support. Encourage him to have realistic goals, and you be ready to reach out for help if things become too complicated.” Apparently satisfied by Ray hanging on every word of advice, Miriam effectively passed Ben into his care. She dipped into her pocket and produced a business card for the IRF, writing her name and number on the back and handing it over with a lot more trust than the first card she’d given him in Florida. “Thanks, Miriam.” “And thank you. If I’m gone tomorrow, I hope you find the dog.” Ray just nodded at that sobering thought, and was surprised when Miriam gave him a hug at the door, suspecting it meant that he wouldn’t see her again for some time and regretting the fact: he trusted her and, until Benny was willing to share what was going on with the hospital, he didn’t like the prospect of being alone in this. Whatever this was. |
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