by Lazuli
Part 13 ~ Two Minds Racing
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“Hazel has arranged an escort out of Florida, and we’re being picked up by precincts along the way; Jameson has got us covered once we get back home. It was suggested that a couple of cops tag team the driving and we do the whole journey in one hit, but I was pretty sure you couldn’t cope with being that long in the car. “There was also a suggestion we go in an ambulance but that felt too much. It’d be like waving a flag at the other end. I’m hoping we get a chance to make some preparations before he shows up.” Ray paused, waiting for a response. Nothing. It felt like they’d rolled back time to when Ray had first turned up at the IRF. “Benny? Benny?” Ben started to alertness. “Sorry, I was… it was a bad night, I’m finding it hard to concentrate.” “I know. It was a horrible night. I’d hoped that, because we’d talked, and you seemed pretty calm when we hit the sack, it’d be a good one. I don’t mean— You know what I mean.” “I do know.” “You’ve still got medication if you want to rest.” “No.” “You only have to say.” The nightmares were back to double figures, Ben’s reactions to them extreme and, because he was finding it impossible to relax, the nerve spasms were frequent and sharp. Ray pretended not to notice, but Ben had been sporadically shaking ever since they’d got up. Despite an array of issues, Ray had failed to notice how much more relaxed Ben had been, safely tucked away nine floors up. If it wasn’t for the growing fear that Trantor would start taking his frustration out on random people, or even choose new prey for his games, they wouldn’t be going anywhere. Ray took and made yet more phone calls as Ben tried to be useful with the packing. Little had been done when Ray was ready to bring Ben up to speed, but Ray only had sympathy. “You shouldn’t be doing that.” “I need to do something.” “Lots of drugs and a good sleep, that’s what you need.” Ben wearily wheeled over to a cupboard he was sorting through. “And why didn’t you bring the electric chair?” Ray asked. “You’re wasting your remaining energy on that thing.” For a moment it seemed like Ben wouldn’t even bother with a reply, but then he sighed and slumped. “It’s humiliating.” “What is? The electric chair?” “No, the reason.” Ray crossed to where he could see Ben’s face rather than the back of his head. “Tell me.” Once again Ben hesitated, but then gave in to Ray’s sympathetic gaze. “If I’m in this chair I get more attention from you.” Ray took a moment for that to sink in, then he perched on Ben’s lap and hugged him. “Oh my God, that’s… You only ever had to ask.” “Even before last night’s discussion?” “As a friend I would move the world for you if I could.” Ben buried his face in Ray’s chest and stayed there long enough for Ray to suspect he’d nodded off. “Hey, Benny,” he whispered. “I’m awake. I just rather like it here.” “And I’m not too heavy?” “No.” Ray leant his cheek against Ben’s hair and settled down to enjoy the closeness. Of course that was when the phone rang. Both men groaned in frustration, and Ben tipped Ray onto his feet. “I won’t be long,” Ray told him. “Hold that thought.” Ray was longer than expected, and when he returned the cheerful air he’d taken from the room with him was gone. “What is it?” Ben asked, voice full of trepidation. Ray pulled a chair from the table over to sit beside Ben, taking his hand. “They’ve found Sara.” Ray felt Ben’s shudder through their contact, holding on tightly as Ben’s breathing ramped up and tremors shook him. “Anything of John?” Ben barely managed to ask. “A few fragments. You know, Benny, without me saying it…” “Animal predation.” “Yeah. But some of the bone fragments show the same saw or knife marks as those other victims I told you about. If we find Trantor’s tools we can hopefully make a match and then we have him.” “Because otherwise, so much of the evidence is circumstantial.” “Let’s worry about the evidence once we have our hands on him.” “Ray…” Ben’s words were lost to a huge intake of breath that rippled across their connection. His face was white and clammy: panic attack territory, and Ray didn’t want Ben to go through a full blown one of those again. “C’mon, you need to calm down.” He rubbed and patted Ben’s hands, hoping the sensory shift would make a difference as it had many times before. Then he gently slapped. “Tell me about the waffle iron, did you decide to pack it?” Ben fought himself back from the edge of the panic attack. “Yes, we’re taking it.” “Waffles or pancakes?” “Umm, either.” “Cream or ice cream?” Ben shook his head. “Seal meat or horse?” Ray asked with a cheeky grin, and that did the trick. Despite the gasping breaths, Ben couldn’t help the huff of laughter that forced its way through the panic, and as he took a better grasp of Ray’s hands to stop the percussion routine, the shuddering began to subside and his breathing became more controlled. It took time before Ben was prepared to let Ray go, but he was mentally back in the room and ready to accept a cup of coffee and more information, although Ray was determined to keep away from the topic of conversation that had almost sent Ben toward another pseudo-heart attack; once a month was more than enough. “I checked to make sure there’d been no alerts on the alarm system back at the bungalow.” “And?” “Nope.” “Which may indicate he followed us here fairly quickly.” “If he was with us all the time on the way here, I don’t know what more we could have done to spot him.” “That doesn’t matter now.” “It might matter on the way home, so I need to let Hazel and Jameson know.” “Unless he found out where we were some other way.” Ray’s mind raced through the possibilities. Miriam had got his location from Lieutenant Welsh, but that was exceptional. Hotel? He doubted Trantor would have known Ray was staying there, seeing as virtually all his time was spent at Ben’s side. The only other place he’d given his home address was the IRF, and surely that had to be secure. “I’m going to make some more calls,” Ray said, barely resisting the urge to pick up his phone there and then. Ben’s mind had already wandered. “Ray, can I ask for something?” “Course you can.” “John and Sara only had each other, there’s no more family. When her body is released, can we make arrangements for her? And…whatever’s left of John?” “Anything you want.” “When I say we, I mean you, because I…” “I know, that’s fine.” Speechless now, moved by his memories, Ben nodded his thanks and wheeled himself away for some privacy. Ray chose to let him go despite wanting to be there for support if he needed it. But Ben knew where Ray was if he wanted company. Couple of phone calls and then back to his packing. So, so difficult to just get on with it, but Ray grabbed another box and sorted through another cupboard, ear tuned to Benny, ready to drop everything and hurry to his side in a moment. … Ray feigned needing a nap to ensure Ben got some sleep. Although in the night he hadn’t inched much closer than any other time they’d spent in the same bed, now he was pressed to Ben’s side, happy to feel Ben holding onto him and feeling safe enough to drift into a deep slumber. As Ben slept, Ray thought, picking through a dozen scenarios under the heading of ‘what could happen when we get home’. Part of him wished that Trantor had got bored and wandered off, just to prevent Benny having to come face to face with him at any point, but there was a burning desire to catch this bastard, and a greater desire for Trantor to make a run for it and need to be shot down. It was all well and good to be horrified at Armando’s methods, but if Ray had absorbed a little of his natural justice system, there wouldn’t be a better candidate to enact it with than Trantor. Ray had clearly seen too many horror films in recent years. His mental list consisted of checking the attic first and foremost, checking all potential access points from drainage systems, sewers, and storm outlets, probably none of which were anywhere near the bungalow. He was ridiculing himself and adding ‘don’t say anything three times to any mirrors’ to the list when Ben woke and stretched, taking the opportunity to wind an arm around Ray and drag him closer still for a heartfelt hug. “Feel better for that?” Ray asked, not sure if he meant the sleep, or the whole process of grappling Ray onto his chest. “Hmm,” came the sleepy reply. Ray wriggled around to cross his hands on Ben’s chest, resting his chin on them while he stared unashamedly at his… His what? Partner? Was that what they were now? Partners? Ray didn’t love it, it sounded too much like they were just working together. Although, that kept it private. Kind of. He was startled as Ben suddenly flinched from a nerve spasm then struggled to push himself up onto his elbows. Ray sat up and helped when he realised what Ben was attempting to achieve. “What’s wrong? Benny?” Ben looked at him in amazement. “What?” Ray pressed. “Look,” Ben urged, nodding down the bed. Ray turned to see what the fuss was about, experiencing his own bolt of amazement as he saw Ben’s toes move. Slowly, and barely perceptibly, but they were moving. “Are you doing that?” “Yes.” “And you can feel yourself doing that?” “Yes.” Ray crawled along the bed, gently prodding the big toe on Ben’s right foot. “Yes,” Ben said jubilantly. “Do it again.” Ray did, prodding and poking, trying a squeeze and a tickle. He moved on to the left foot. Nothing. Still… Another tweak to the right foot; another wiggle in reaction. “That’s incredible,” Ray laughed. “Benny! You’re on your way.” Ben dropped onto his back and covered his face with his hands, needing a moment’s privacy as his progress overwhelmed him. Then another spasm zapped him out of it, and he was laughing even as he cringed. “Can you help me up? I want to see if I can stand.” “Did you hurt yourself when you ended up on the floor yesterday morning?” “No.” “Okay. Just wanted to check in case you hit the deck again now.” “I trust you, Ray.” “I know,” Ray said smugly as he went to Ben’s side of the bed and helped him sit up on the edge. He leant forward so Ben could put his arms around his neck, reaching out for Ben’s waist as they readied themselves. Ben gave a nod and Ray lifted as Ben tried putting weight on his right leg. After a momentary wobble, it held. “Anything with the left?” Ray asked. “Maybe,” Ben ventured with a distinct lack of certainty. “What if—” That was enough for now, Ben’s body decided, both legs giving up at once. Ray tightened his grip and held Ben up. Nose to nose, they grinned at one another for a couple of seconds before Ray gently lowered Ben back to the bed. They sat together staring at Ben’s right foot as he flexed the toes. “I didn’t need a psychiatrist, Ray, I needed you.” “You will be seeing Doctor Lee when we get back,” Ray corrected. “Wiggly toes will only take you so far.” “Ray… Am I damaged? Mentally?” Ray thought about it. “Weird way to put it and no, but, sorry, yes. Panic attacks and nightmares are not about having a peaceful mind, and you need help getting through all this.” “I’m wrong to put so much on you.” “No, you’re not, I’m here for you, but you’ll need an expert to help you too, whether it’s a physiotherapist or a psychiatrist, healthy body, healthy mind, yada, yada.” “Very sensible.” “And you hate it. Well, as Ma would say at emotionally demanding moments such at these… Tough.” Ben chuckled and Ray slid their hands together, locking the fingers. “Lucky you have nice feet,” Ray observed, “I think we’ll be seeing a lot of them.” Ben flexed his toes as they both stared. Wiggle, stare. Wiggle, stare. … They were making final preparations for the trip home when Ben recalled their earlier conversation. “Did you get anywhere with your enquiries?” Ray paused what he was doing and, as he considered the answer to Ben’s question, managed to look both troubled and annoyed. “Obviously nothing from Welsh, no problems at the hotel, but there was a security breach at the IRF.” “What kind of breach?” “Their records office was broken into, and…” “They didn’t think to let us know?” “There was nothing to say our information had been accessed. The only file that had been left visibly disturbed was that of a patient whose family are waging an inheritance war on one another, so they assumed the breach was part of the same battle. We still might be wrong to assume this is anything to do with Trantor, but there’s a CCTV image they’re sending through so we’ll know soon enough.” “He didn’t bother to disguise himself?” “I don’t know yet but thinking about it, why would he? At a guess he’ll still be assuming we don’t know who he is and have no idea what he looks like. If we were relying on what you know, he’d be right. Take us out of the picture and the inheritance family all denying they broke into the records office makes sense, especially if one of them had done it.” “Well placed misdirection.” “It also says he’s been in that place, and long enough to know who to use to put us off the scent, so…” “I could have been right about him being there.” “But maybe not when. Still doesn’t make me feel good, and I’ll be having a few obnoxious words when we get home.” “Good.” “I mean, they don’t know what we know so I don’t entirely blame them for not telling us, but it still pisses me off.” “It’s also quite reassuring though.” “How do you make that out?” “Breaking and entering as opposed to an ominously high level of tracking skills.” “I see your point, and that pisses me off too.” “The point, or me making it?” “The point.” “That’s a relief,” Ben smiled. “Although it doesn’t seem so long ago that you were calling me the most irritating man on the planet.” “Maybe you’re out of practise. It gives you something to reach for once we’re past this mess.” “Perhaps you’re more tolerant now. This side of Straybowls.” Ray started giggling at that. “Never mention that name in conversation if you want to be taken seriously.” “I’m still waiting for the shirt I was promised.” “They went in the Goodwill pile. Although you look extremely good in red…” “Or even Sinoper.” “…there will be no Mr Straybowls for you.” “Now I feel left out.” “There were a ton of those shirts, you’re way too unique to be a part of the herd.” “That’s reassuring.” “And nothing new.” Ray paused what he was doing and looked at Ben as if he was about to come out with something monumental. Ben waited patiently. After a few seconds Ray shook his head and went back to packing. “What, Ray?” “No, nothing.” “Clearly something. Would this be a good time to work on my annoyance skill?” The packing ground to a halt, and Ray was back to studying Ben. “What do you want out of this?” Ray eventually asked. “This?” “Y’know… Us?” “I’m relieved and happy we’re together, as in a…together sense, and quietly ecstatic that you have no wish to leave again.” “You know you said… What was it, when I was… I have no idea how to describe that moment.” “What did I say?” “On the lines of, ‘Nothing has to change, we can be happy as we are.’” Ben was nodding as he recognised his words. “And?” “Is this all you want? How we are?” “You want more?” “I don’t know what I want, other than being with you. And if being with you like this is enough for me, what about if you want more?” “I can’t wait for you to use my dazzling array of romantic encounters as an example of…something or another.” Ray smiled at the irony, but it faded fast. “What if being with me holds you back when you do want a romantic encounter?” “I think I need you to spell this out, because I’m a little lost.” “Okay, I’ll try.” Ray took a while to put his thoughts in order. “When I first tried to come to terms with how I felt about you, I was confused. More than confused. I wasn’t going through a phase, or questioning myself; I wasn’t attracted to men in any way, and I’d only ever fallen for women. Usually with less than ideal results, and… That’s not the point. “But the way I felt about you then, feel about you now… I’ve never loved anyone like this. I never
have. Just you. Even now, in my head, I’m thinking, ‘but I’ve always been straight’. So how can I feel more for you
than I’ve ever felt for any woman? “And the physical
side of a relationship like this? I can’t even think that far ahead, or if I
want that with a man. But you might want that with someone, and if I can’t give
you that, you’re not going to stay with me out of anything more than pity, and
then I’d have to stand aside, and watching you with someone else would destroy
me even if I know it’s right for you. I know from experience I’d be completely
lost without you, and you’d probably be too kind to dump me, and there I go,
ruining both our lives.” Ray skidded to a
verbal halt and waited anxiously for the response. “Thank you, that’s
very enlightening.” “Ooh, painfully
polite. If you weren’t on wheels you’d be running for the hills.” “On the contrary. Now
I know how you’re feeling, and what you’re worried about, I can reassure you. I
meant what I said. Nothing does have to change, and we can be perfectly happy
as we are.” “You’d settle?” “It’s not settling
if it’s what I want. And if one day you have a change of heart, and want
something more from me, I’m quite certain I’ll be accommodating.” “You mean… That
doesn’t bother you at all, the idea of being with a man?” “I’d be with you, Ray, and I love you dearly. I’ve
been very lonely without you, I wouldn’t throw this away for any reason.” “Can’t believe I’m asking this but… How was it with Kowalski?” “Define ‘it’.” “I don’t know. Did you feel any of this for him?” “Ray’s an extraordinary person…” “Oh, God, I shouldn’t have asked.” “…but he’s not my person. A good friend but not you. When you felt I rode away with him and left you, it was because I knew how displaced and vulnerable he was feeling. Everything changed for him the moment I saw you again and had to pursue you. I didn’t even consider I was wrecking your undercover assignment, you know, I was just thinking…Ray! “Sorry, going off track. When I think about it, you and he were in very much the same situation. As far as he knew he’d lost his current job, his adopted family, and the name he’d learnt to identify as. He’d been Ray Vecchio long enough to become embedded, and I was the one who’d turned his world upside down. Under normal circumstances he’d have been debriefed, offered help with the ongoing changes, but I went crashing in and he was blown out of the water. As his friend, I had to make sure he was able to find Ray Kowalski again.” “Did it work?” Ray asked, fascinated now despite where his question had taken them. “The Canada thing?” “It did until it didn’t, and that was enough for both of us. He went back to work as Ray Kowalski, and I got to stay in Canada.” “I’m sorry I gave you a hard time about that. I like Ray, I hate that he was feeling as bad as me.” “If you asked him, he’d
probably say exactly the same regarding you.” Ray accepted that with a shallow
nod. “But I am sorry, Ray. I appreciate now that I misjudged the situation. You
appeared emotionally resilient enough for me not to have to worry about you.” “Armando’s armour
didn’t do me any favours.” “There’s no way I
can cope with dissecting lost chances. It’s easier for me to believe that we
wouldn’t have got to where we are without the whole journey.” “You mean… We had to
experience losing one another to make us find each other again?” “We’ll never take
one another for granted ever again, that’s for certain.” “Yes,” Ray firmly agreed. Ben held out a hand
and Ray wandered over to take it, caressing with his thumb as he shared a warm
look with its owner. Ben raised Ray’s hand to his mouth and pressed a gentle
kiss to his fingers. Ray felt his insides melt, and wondered what the hell he
was worried about. It appeared that Ben had read his mind. “Perhaps this
relationship will never be sexual, but it will be a romance.” “I think you’re
right,” Ray agreed. “I hope you’re right.” “I see the way you
look at me. I know how I feel when I look at you. This is as romantic as it
gets.” “Challenge accepted,”
Ray said confidently. “Give me time, I can do romantic that goes way beyond
this. I mean, if you want that kind of thing?” “Whatever makes you
happy.” Ray slid onto Ben’s
lap and wrapped his arms around his neck, smushing his face into Ben’s hair and
uttering a little groan of pleasure as Ben hugged him tightly back. “This,” Ray
murmured. “This makes me happy.” … Everything ready for
the morning, they hit the sack and lay holding hands; two minds racing when
they considered what came next, and wishing it was over. “Ray,” Ben said
quietly. “Yeah, Benny?” There
followed a tense pause. “Benny?” “I’m scared.” Ray turned and
wrapped himself around Ben, pretending he could protect him but knowing the
challenge that lay ahead. “Soon be over,” Ray
reassured. “I know. That’s what I’m afraid of.”
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