by Lazuli

Part 15 ~ As Time Goes By

The night of the accident was spent in hospital, Ben sedated in a bid to combat the vicious PTSD symptoms. Having been checked over, both men had matching, but mirrored, seatbelt bruises care of the car’s impact with the tree, with Ray having a severely bruised collar bone. All in all they’d got off lightly, physically at least.

Because a lot of the background to the attack had already been documented by Ray, there was only a quick interview to bring law enforcement up to speed on the day’s events, with the agreement that more detailed accounts would be collected once Ray and Ben were home. Lieutenant Welsh volunteered his precinct for the job, and Hazel contacted Ray personally to ask if he’d prefer her to take statements. Ray thanked them both but opted for Lieutenant Jameson, his station being closer to the bungalow. Although he didn’t feel the need to add it, he felt happier recounting the incident to someone less involved with either him or Ben. Sometimes impersonal was best.

The car rental company were extremely helpful, possibly because they’d been contacted by the local police lieutenant rather than Ray. The present, damaged car would be impounded as evidence, but representatives from the local outlet of the rental company came and, under supervision, shifted the car’s contents from the existing car to a new one, driving it to the hospital and handing the keys over to Ray via a police officer who was hanging around should anything evidential need to be made a note of.

When the practical was set aside Ray allowed himself time to take in what had happened, how close he’d been to death, to losing Benny. In reality a short space of time, and yet he understood Ben’s PTSD so much better, as the memory repeatedly played through his mind, and there was apparently nothing he could do to stop it.

But they were alive, he reminded himself, and Ben was safe, and it was almost over. Almost. They’d deal with giving testimony when it came to it. It would probably only need the majority of the drugs at the IRF for Ben to get through it.

…

Two days of travelling later they finally arrived home. They’d both been abnormally quiet during the journey, but once outside their home the dam broke.

“Do you remember staying on your feet when you came to hit him?”

“That actually happened?”

“Yes.”

“Then…no, I don’t remember.”

“It seemed like you only fell down when you realised you were up. Which suggests it is all in your mind, you damn fraud.”

“It’s all very vague.”

“It’ll come back if it’s meant to. Right now…” Ray ouched all the way up the path as he pushed Ben’s wheelchair into the bungalow, rubbing his collar bone as he rushed to turn off the alarm. “Welcome home.”

Ben wheeled himself further inside, looking around as if it was his first time here.

“Why does it feel like we’ve been away for months?”

“Probably because everything’s been so intense.”

“It’s good to be home, even if it is temporary.”

Ray smiled at that, happy to hear Ben accepting that they’d have to move on now he was on the verge of no longer being eligible for a disabled-friendly property.

“I never even got the chance to put the basketball hoop up.”

“You still could. There’s no rush to leave, is there?”

“That depends on you, my one legged friend.”

Ben frowned.

“I’ve just remembered something.” Ray looked a question. “’Half a functioning leg and a waffle iron’,” he quoted.

“Accurate incident account,” Ray insisted with a grin, and Ben started to chuckle. “Do you remember what I was saying to cover up the noise of you coming over to whack him?”

Ben frowned once more as he thought.

“I can’t say I do.”

“Just as well, but if it ever does come back, remember it was a diversion, very much only a diversion.”

“I’m intrigued.”

“Don’t be. Go get in the other chair so my collar bone doesn’t have to shove you around anymore.”

Ben did as instructed, moving easily into the electric chair now he was more secure on his right leg.

“I think,” he said as he dropped into the seat, “I’m almost ready for crutches.”

“Don’t go too fast, I’m not going to be able to pick you up now when you’re flat on the floor.”

“I’ll be careful.”

“It always sounds so dangerous when you say that.”

“Very well, I swear I’ll be as reckless as possible.”

“Now that’s the Benny I know and love.”

“Thank you kindly.”

Ray looked around, rubbing his hands together and figuring out where to start.

“Plan A: Constable Fraser will check the fridge to see if anything needs throwing out. Detective Vecchio will start bringing in the boxes from the car, complaining as he goes because…”

“Collar bone,” they chanted together.

Ray started back down the path but glanced around to see Ben’s discomfort at the open door. Comfort versus practicality? Hard as it was, practicality had to win.

“Fridge,” Ray ordered. Watching Ben glide away he realised he was being an idiot. “Hey, Benny, you do the boxes, you’re motorised.”

…

“Can I be honest?” Ben asked over dinner.

“You picked the Chinese, I wanted the pizza, you only have yourself to blame.”

“Not the food.”

“Then, sure.”

Ben carefully set his chopsticks down. That felt rather ominous so Ray followed suit with his fork. Ben’s gaze flicked to Ray and away a couple of times before the words came out.

“I wanted to give you the nod.”

Ray rolled his eyes and went back to his food.

“Is that all? I don’t blame you. Nobody would blame you.”

“Did you want me to?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

“But I was right to say no, wasn’t I?”

“Maybe I’m the wrong person to ask. He put you through hell, he killed your friends, you’re probably going to be in therapy for the rest of your life… He should’ve taken a bullet between the eyes.”

“Don’t you think it would be highly damaging, having to live with that on your conscience? You told me how Langoustini’s methods made you feel.”

“About the small time idiots who didn’t deserve the punishment they got.”

“And what about how it would have looked to investigating officers? Trantor was on the ground, unarmed. A nod from me would have turned you into a murderer, not a cop.”

“Still worth it.”

“No. Not if we want to be together. Not much of a life for either of us if we only see each other once a week in a prison’s visiting area.”

“You have a point,” Ray said slowly as he thought it over. Still worth it, although he had to keep that to himself.

“So…?”

Ray couldn’t bear to see Ben look so conflicted, obviously struggling with his conscience for even daring to think about the nod and what it could have meant for Ray.

“You were right,” Ray said, despite inner Ray along with inner Armando screaming for justice.

“We’re the better people, Ray.”

“Yes, we are. And it sucks.”

“It surely does.”

Later that evening, as Ray watched Ben get twitchy and nervous as he grew tired, listening again, always listening, the subject of Trantor would not lay down and die.

“What about what you have to live with?”

“Sorry?”

“I’d rather face any amount of consequences than see you live with this.”

“What’s this?”

“See, you don’t know you’re doing it, and it makes me sad, and very, very mad.”

“What am I doing?”

“Getting paranoid.”

“Am I?”

“Want me to open the blinds?”

Ray didn’t even need an answer to that, and Ben realised it too. The prospect of their windows with the blinds open, showing the looming darkness outside, was disturbing at the very least.

“I look out the window and see people passing at this time of night and I’m just nosy,” Ray explained, “wondering if they’re going to a restaurant, or a movie, or out dancing. You’re still looking for the boogeyman. The securely locked up boogeyman.”

“I know, I just need time.”

“I’m not accusing you of anything, or blaming or complaining. Damn it, I just wish you didn’t have to think about him at all.”

Ben went to speak then stopped, and just nodded instead.

“How about,” Ray began as he got to his feet, “you trust me, and I distract you.”

“I do trust you, always.”

“And the rest.”

“Yes,” Ben said reluctantly. “You can try to distract me.”

Ray had brought his CD player back from Chicago and he went to where his CDs had been stacked, going through them until he found what he was looking for. Sliding the disc into the player, he pressed the button and turned back to Ben.

“On your feet, Benny.”

“I’m not sure…”

“I know you hate not being able to hear past the music, but…trust me.”

Ben lifted his feet to the floor and edged himself forward in his seat ready to stand, looking perplexed at the sudden swirl of violins around him. Ray joined him and, as ever, leant down for Ben to hook his arms around his neck; hands firmly on Ben’s waist, he brought him to his feet.

“Okay?”

Ben nodded, unable to keep a smile from his face as the voice of Jimmy Durante filled the room. Ray gently swayed them in time to the music, and Ben forgot to be worried.

“Where did this come from?”

“Casablanca. But that was Louis Armstrong.”

“Dooley Wilson.”

“Who?”

“He played Sam in the movie.”

“It wasn’t Louis Armstrong?”

“No. Anyway, I meant… Is it something you bought yourself, as it seems an unlikely choice.”

“This was a gift from that woman I told you about, the one who I made my tidy-upper? Well, I think it was the only thing she’d ever given away, so I was honoured to have it.”

“She bought it for you?”

“Hardly. She picked it out of the remains of a burnt out record store. But it was a big deal, her giving it to me.”

“I see that. And now I wish we’d at least stopped outside your bowling alley when we were in Florida so I could see it.”

“There’s always another time. I’m still renting that apartment and I haven’t arranged for the furniture to be packed up yet. We can go back whenever we want. Like that idea?”

“Actually… I do.”

“Good. It’s where Miriam saved me…”

“…and I got an excellent haircut.”

Ray laughed and leant his head against Ben’s, both of them humming along to As Time Goes By as they barely moved to the easy rhythm. One wobble though, and Ben was lowered back into his chair, pulling Ray with him, and onto his lap. The electric chair made it easier to continue swaying along, and Ben finished the song with a flourish, swinging the chair in a complete circle.

“How was that?” Ray asked.

“Fun.”

“Any news from leg number two?”

“It’s considering joining in.”

Ray peered down at Ben’s socked feet and beamed with satisfaction at the beginnings of a decent wiggle from his left foot.

“Next stop, we need to move my bed over, and try to get yours at the right height so we’re on a level.”

Ben turned the chair and took them to the bedroom, where Ray shoved his bed across to Ben’s, and Ben played with the remote control for his bed until the mattresses were as level as it was possible to make them. Ray pulled the covers about until they worked as well as single bedding would be likely to on a double bed.

“This’ll do, but when we get our own place, first thing on the shopping list is a bed as comfortable as the one in Florida. No, I’ll get the Florida bed sent here, it’s too good to be part time. Then I’ll replace…”

“Ray,” Ben interrupted, “tomorrow, can we go and look for Diefenbaker?”

Ray paused momentarily as his mind raced through a few logistics.

“You ready to go out?” he asked doubtfully.

“I can pretend to be for this.”

“So, how we going to do this? It’s not like we can call him.”

“I have a plan.” Ray tipped himself onto the bed to listen. “I know the area we were in when I told him to go away and keep safe. Now, I’m assuming that he would check back regularly to see if I’ve reappeared, as it’s in a wolf’s nature to rejoin the pack. In which case, if we take a few of my worn t-shirts and place them in logical areas, eventually he’ll find one and know to wait there for me.”

“How will he know to wait?”

“The t-shirt wouldn’t be there unless I’d been back, the scent will be fresh, and he’ll be alert to changes.”

“I threw everything in the wash, you’ll need to wear five shirts to sleep in tonight. Unless one of mine would work? Will he remember me?”

“Of course he will, he’s always been very fond of you.”

“Fond of my snacks.”

“That too.”

Ray crawled closer to Ben and leant over to pick up his hand. From Ben’s face Ray knew that his overly observant friend had figured out that this manoeuvre was usually followed by something Ben didn’t want to hear.

“I hate to ruin the mood, but we have to go to the 29^th to make statements.”

“I’ll try my best, but… How do I get through this? I can feel my heart rate picking up just from thinking about what I have to say.”

“What if…” Ray thought. “What if it’s done at the IRF, and you’re in the presence of professionals who can talk you down, keep you medicated, whatever it takes?”

“Would that be possible?”

“We can only ask.”

“When you do, will you find out when Sara and John’s remains are being released.”

“Sure, but I doubt it’ll be soon.”

“Of course,” Ben said coldly. “They’re no longer people, they’ve become evidence.”

Ray was disturbed by the level of bitterness in Ben’s voice at that observation, but he was right, however uncomfortable a fact it was.

“Evidence to bring their killer to justice. I think that’s what they’d want for each other. I’d be happy for my bones to be picked over for you.”

“That’s as gruesome a declaration of love I’m ever likely to hear.”

“Want me to try harder?”

“No,” Ben told him firmly, unable to prevent a smile from teasing one corner of his mouth. “But I’m sure I appreciate the gesture.”

Ray sprawled back on the bed.

“Ready to hit the sack yet?”

“I am tired but it’s too early.”

Ray turned his head in Ben’s direction, listening to the music still playing in the living room.

“Want to dance?”

“Chair dance?”

“Works for me.”

Ray got off the bed and onto Ben’s lap, and Ben drove them back to where there was space to manoeuvre the chair around, playing about with different moves that left them both giggling like fools. Another song down and Ben was insisting on standing once more. Ray was happy to oblige and they stood, swaying to the music, Ben putting extra stress on his less accommodating leg.

“I’m definitely going to ask for crutches when we go back to the IRF.”

“That’s positive, I like it.”

“I’m going to embrace all the encouragement you’ve given me and…” Ben groped for the right words.

“Take back your life?”

“Yes, precisely.”

“Go for it.”

“Go for it?” Ben confirmed.

“Absolutely.”

Ben stopped moving, and Ray was readying to sit him back down when Ben leant in and softly kissed his cheek. Once, and then a nuzzle, and then a second kiss. Ray swallowed hard, not knowing quite what he wanted now he was faced with what he could have, but…

“That’s…that’s nice,” escaped from him unbidden.

“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“I’m not. I’m…I’m… That was really nice.”

Ben’s face dropped to Ray’s neck and kissed there; just the breath over his skin was enough to make Ray quiver. To Ray’s racing mind the kiss was possibly overkill, but he wouldn’t mind another just to check. He tilted his head and Ben took the hint, up until the moment that Ray leant slightly away.

“Too much?” Ben asked regretfully “I’m sorry, I said I’d wait for you to decide what you wanted.”

Ray gazed at Ben, seeing everything he’d dreamed of for years, and here he was in a state of indecision because of what society, rather than his own morals, had told him he was never allowed to desire. Quite abruptly Ray was acutely aware of Ben’s body beneath his hands, and he flexed his fingers, feeling the intimacy of the touch rather than the practicality. Ben was waiting, expression tender and open, undemanding yet hopeful. Trusting. Love swept through Ray at Ben laying himself on the line for him.

“I’ve decided,” Ray said softly. “And I love you so much that sometimes it’s unbearable.”

He leant in and laid the gentlest kiss on Ben’s mouth. The arms around his neck tightened and pulled him closer still, the kiss becoming firmer and gradually more intense. Glorious, Ray allowed himself to acknowledge. It only broke when Ben collapsed back into his chair.

“Benny, you okay? What are we thinking?”

“I’m thinking you just swept me off my half a functioning leg.”

“I’m…”

Ray stood staring at Ben, the shock of his actions catching up with him.

“Speechless?” Ben suggested. “Hopefully in a good way?”

“Yes. And yes.” Ben waited out the pregnant pause. “I didn’t know I could have this,” Ray finally admitted. “I…” He gave up and laughed at himself. “Yeah, speechless.”

“Oh, good heavens, I’ve broken Ray Vecchio.”

Ben drove across to the CD player and switched off the music.

“I’m going to bed.” He paused momentarily in thought. “That isn’t a ham-fisted attempt at seduction, just so you know.”

“Okay.”

Taking a long look at this bamboozled Ray, Ben grinned and nodded toward the bedroom.

“Let’s take a little lighthearted joy with us. It’ll be nice before the screaming starts.”

That brought Ray back to Earth, and he quickly followed behind Ben.

“You expecting that? Even if things are over and done?”

“Nothing’s over and done, Ray. I suspect Trantor was right about living in my head forever.”

“But last night…”

“I was still benefitting from the drugs they administered at the hospital.”

“We have drugs,” Ray offered. “And you don’t have to worry about being too dozy anymore, that worry’s over.”

“My brain doesn’t seem to know that.”

Ray followed Ben to the wet room door, accepting when he was deliberately shut out.

“Don’t lock the door,” he said without thinking.

“I’m not Elvis,” Ben called through the door, and Ray joined in for, “I’m not going to die on the pan.”

…

Bad night. Bad, bad night. Peace broke out at about four-thirty, but Ray remained so unsettled he was up before seven. In a weary daze he wandered around doing chores: the few pieces of tableware that hadn’t been dealt with last night were washed and dried; the tumble dryer was emptied and clothes folded ready to put away; the check of the fridge’s products that they’d never got around to, and a few items tossed.

When he turned his phone on there were messages from his mother, which warmed his heart, from Max, which made him laugh, and from Hazel asking him to call, which he really didn’t want to do, but felt he had to do. She was, after all, still his boss. Out of habit he went into the garden to make the call, and the ‘didn’t want to’ rapidly morphed into ‘wished he hadn’t’.

When Ben was up and about Ray waited for him in the living room, gesturing him to his side and taking his hand.

“Here we go again,” said Ben flatly. “I wish a hand hold was a sign of affection between us, rather than warning of bad news.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but I have to tell you something.”

Ben’s tension visibly ramped up in less than a second.

“Has he escaped?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“Then…?”

Ray steeled himself and tried to find the detective within him rather than the partner, knowing he needed to keep this as unemotional as possible.

“The autopsy report has come through on Sara.” Ray hesitated as Ben’s grip tightened. “They found knife marks on the bones of her face and hands that correspond to those on John’s bones, and Trantor’s other potential victims.”

Ben’s breath was shuddering now, making his whole body shake.

“But that means he…”

“We both know, you don’t have to say it.”

“He mutilated her. While she was still alive. It wasn’t animals at all.”

“No, there were some signs of…”

Ray’s sentence trailed off; it was pointless spelling out what that poor, helpless woman had gone through.

“That knife you found on him, was that the one, can they tie the knife to Sara? Have they got him?”

“No. That knife was new.” Ray had to force the answer out, knowing the damage he was doing just by repeating the facts. “I hate this, I’m so sorry, but I had to tell you.”

“I know, I—”

Ben released Ray’s hand and fumbled over the chair controls, eventually turning and driving back to the bedroom. Ray started to follow.

“No,” Ben told him. “No.”

Wiping his own eyes as he empathised with Ben, Ray tried not to listen to the sounds from the bedroom, the rage and the sorrow, despair like he’d never heard before from Ben and was desperate never to hear again.

Although he fought the memory away, in his mind’s eye, and in excruciating detail, Ray could see himself at Trantor’s mercy by the side of the road. ‘I could peel your fucking face off with one hand behind my back’. How close had he come to sharing Sara’s fate? He understood Ben’s PTSD better still.

And, of course, Trantor was admitting nothing; Ben would have to testify. Ray was terrified what that would do to him. He dropped his head into his hands and could do nothing but listen to Ben’s solitary breakdown.

When there was finally silence, Ray crept into the bedroom. Ben was slumped in his chair, looking as if every ounce of fight, and possibly the will to carry on, had been drained out of him. Ray hesitated, debating with himself whether he should stay, or do as Ben asked and keep away. No, he couldn’t leave.

“Benny? You okay?” Ray finally plucked up the courage to ask.

“I’m trapped,” came the sombre reply, heavy with more than exhaustion.

“Want to get into bed? Rest for a while?”

“I can’t move.”

“You can do this,” Ray encouraged. “One foot at a time, you’re getting there.”

“I can’t move,” Ben repeated.

As Ray tried to help shift Ben onto the bed, the statement became fact. Ben was frozen in place. It felt like five minutes ago that Ray was teasingly calling Ben a fraud because, of course the paralysis was due to a physical cause, otherwise he wouldn’t be progressing so fast. Well, this development had certainly proved him to be an idiot on that score.

“I’m going to get you your medication, and you’ll take it. Are you listening to me? This time you take it.”

“Yes,” Ben acquiesced without a fight.

Tablets taken, Ray sat with Ben as the drugs took hold, watching as the sharp edge was medicated off his world.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Numb,” came the whispered reply.

“Maybe that’s a blessing right now.”

Ben didn’t argue. He closed his eyes and drifted.

Needing to do more, Ray eased himself onto Ben’s lap, mind flitting to the previous night, when they’d actually been having fun and spinning around in the chair, when just for a short while it had become an accessory rather than a necessity.

“This okay?” Ray asked as he wrapped his arms around Ben’s shoulders and hugged.

Ben breathed a ‘yes’ and, unable to reciprocate the hold, fractionally leaned into Ray’s embrace, the only comfort he presently knew.

The Lesser Distance 16       The Lesser Distance Index       Notes

Site Updates     Update List     Home     Fiction     Gallery     Links     Feedback