Xander woke alone and late: almost half-ten.  After showering he dressed and went downstairs.  I have stairs.  The day was heavily overcast and all the shutters and drapes were open, giving the house a completely different feel.  I have a house, we have a house.  Strolling through the rooms, letting the we-have-a-houseness sink in, he eventually found the vampire sitting cross-legged on the kitchen counter, gazing placidly out of the window at the rain-swept garden as his fingers unconsciously picked through the knots on his monster feet.  Xander moved to stand behind him and he instantly leant back, turning his head and kissing the human’s cheek, taking a deep breath and grinning.

“The en-suite’s had its inaugural wank then?”

“Spike?”  Xander grabbed the vampire and dragged him around so they were face-to-face.  “I’ve missed you.”

Spike unfolded his legs and wrapped them around Xander, drawing him close.

“Billy-boy not pandering to your every whim?”

“Like you wouldn’t freak out if he did.”

“My Xander,” Spike smiled.

Xander dug his fingers into Spike’s thighs.  Real Spike, my Spike, the Spike.

“Fucking hell, Spike, why d’you keep leaving me?  Don’t leave me again.”

“I can’t help it.”  He tapped his temple.  “I’m totally screwed.”

“Don’t say that,” Xander told him softly.  “And don’t give up.  Don’t leave me.”  Spike gave a brief shake of the head and Xander ran his hands up Spike’s back, one continuing onto his neck to bring him forward into a tender kiss.  The vampire sank into it but surprised Xander by not demanding more.  “What?” Xander asked obscurely as he broke the kiss.

“Umm…  Think I have to speak to Angel.”

“Phone.”

“No.  Gotta see him.”

“You want to go to LA?”

Spike’s hand went to his own throat and stroked.  Xander barely managed to stop himself snatching the hand away.

“Can we meet him at Red’s?”

Okay, being irrational, Angel’s helped me, he’s been concerned, been kind, he wanted to fucking-well drain my vampire!

“When were you thinking of?”

“Now?”

“Now?” Xander repeated incredulously.

“Arrange it now, Xander.  You make the calls, I’ll do the domestic bit.  What do you want to eat?”

“I’m not hungry.  Besides, I don’t expect you to wait on me.”  Xander pushed out of the embrace and headed for the door.  Spike slid off the counter and followed for a few steps.

“You think I’m going to poison you or something?  I’ve been watching you, I’ve learnt…”

“That was William,” Xander corrected tersely as he left.

Spike’s eyes narrowed meanly.

“William…”

Two minutes later, Xander was back.

“Spike…”

“I wasn’t!”

“Wasn’t what?”

Beat.

“Nothing.”

“You pick on William and I kick your ass.”

Beat.

“You’re back, Xander.”

Beat.

“Yeah.  I have to…tell you.”

“Tell me then.”

“When you were badly injured, Angel was all for…”  Don’t do this.  You’re cheap, you’re nasty, you’re JEALOUS!  And he trusts you not to hurt him.  “It doesn’t matter.”

“All for…?” Spike pressed.  “Xander, all for…?”

Keep your stupid mouth SHUT.

“Putting you out of your misery.”

Pause.  Strange subtexty pause.  Happy now, Harris?  Happy now you’ve hurt him?

“How?”

“What do you mean, how?”

“How?"

“How!  He was ready to kill you and…”

“How?”

“Spike!  Oh, for…  He was going to drain you.”

“Drain me?”  Spike couldn’t hold back the grin.

“What are you smiling for?  He was ready to kill you.”

“He was going to drain me.”

Xander groaned.

“Are you some sort of idiot?”

“Well, yeah, Mr Logical-choice-of-unlife-partner.”

“Okay.  Okay.  He’s going to drain you and you smile.  Why?”

“Because you don’t drain a vampire you hate, do you?  Not in those circumstances.  If it’s a vampire you hate you get on the phone and tell the slayer to sharpen her stake.”

“Know what scares me?”

“Ventriloquist dummies?”

“You gave me an answer that makes sense.”

“In those circumstances it would be…”

“Gentle.  He said it would be…”

“Gentle.”  Spike’s face clouded over.  “I was that bad?”

“Don’t you remember?  I thought William remembered everything.”

“He…  I…  It must’ve been…bad.”

“Oh, yeah, it was bad,” Xander sighed, and the memories were still so painful.  He caught Spike’s hands and drew him close.  “One day I’ll tell you.  If I’m brave enough.”

The vampire touched his fingertips to Xander’s chest, rubbing lightly over his heart.

“You going to bear my scars, love?”

“Yeah.  Prick you and I bleed.”  Gold flashed in Spike’s eyes and Xander reminded himself to watch the imagery.  “Better keep this hypothetical or we’ll never get out of here.”

Spike moved in, rolled his brow against Xander’s.

“Bleed for me,” he begged in a hoarse voice.

Without hesitation Xander bit into his lower lip, flinching as the skin broke, tasting the metallic tang of his own blood with some satisfaction.  Spike knew what he’d done, could smell it, and he licked his lips impatiently in the few seconds before Xander leant forward to kiss him.  He pounced on the human’s mouth, drawing on the broken flesh as Xander groaned his pleasure.

…

Xander sat down at the desk, still feeling light-headed from the brief encounter in the kitchen.  Now he had to make important phone calls without getting silly about wanting to fuck around all day with his undead boyfriend rather than facilitating aforementioned boyfriend’s earlier request.  His tongue jabbed at the wound in his lip, surprised at how quickly it was healing after a dose of vampire saliva, and if that thought didn’t put him off Spike for life nothing would.

He called Willow first, quickly making the arrangements and telling her nothing about Spike’s recovery or subsequent problems.  She was thrilled to hear from him, even more thrilled that he was on his way back to her, albeit for, he had stressed, a short visit.

“Whilst secured by the presence of my demon…even Angelus could not torture me into submission.”

“He tortured you?”

“It would be more worthy of remark if he had not.”

“But if he tortured you, that means he tortured Spike.”

Angel’s number was still in his head and he attacked the keypad with it, hesitating before punching in the last digit.  He hung up the phone.  Brooded.  Ironic much?  Picked up the phone, called Willow again and asked her if she could arrange for Angel to be there?  Yes, she could.  ‘Kay.

William’s list was on the desk in front of him, and Xander glanced over the requirements, smiling at some of the comments written alongside the items.  To the bottom of the list he added ‘Phones’.  Without the RSJs in the apartment block ruining the signal he could buy the cordless system he’d wanted ever since he’d seen Patrick’s.  Hmm…keeping up with the MacDonalds.  Yeah, well, he’d get his in a cooler colour.  ‘Reading glasses,’ he wrote, then, ‘Cell for S’: it would be good if the vampire had his own phone, they could keep in touch, he wouldn’t have to worry about…

“Here.”  He jumped as Spike plonked a plate and a mug in front of him.  “Hunter-gatherer does it again.”

Xander studied the precariously balanced stack of untidy sandwiches.

“This is one of those games, right?  Where you have to remove one piece without the whole thing collapsing?”

“Ungrateful bugger,” Spike muttered as he sat on the desk and grabbed himself half a sandwich.  “Speak to Angel?”

“No.  Willow’s going to get him to hers later.  I didn’t tell her you were better.”

Spike’s eyebrow cocked.

“Better?” he snorted.

“Than you were,” Xander pointed out as he tackled his own sandwich.  “This is good.”

“Better is a very subjective term, Xander.  In this case it stinks of desperation.”

“I’ve been here, you haven’t.  Better may be subjective, but it’s also valid.”

“I feel like I’m…I’m stuck.  Stuck in a revolving door with William.”

“That’s very clever.”

“Piss off.”

“I meant it.”

“Oh.  Oh, okay, don’t piss off then.”

“You think Angel’s going to be able to help?”

“Waft of frigid air there, mate.  Thought you’d made it up with the coiffured one.”

“He tortured you.”

Spike frowned.

“Recently?”

“Does it matter when?”

“Talking about Angelus?”  Shrug.  “Let it go then.”  Xander gave Spike the restless, ‘But I love you’ look.  “Doesn’t matter now, does it?”

“You really think he’s going to help?”

“I know he’s going to try,” Spike answered with a smug grin.

“Means a lot to you, doesn’t it?”

The smile lost its smugness; Spike reached out and ran the back of his fingers over Xander’s cheek.

“You have no idea.”

Xander showed Spike the Jaguar.  After the initial disbelief that this thing of beauty was his, and the expected disgruntlement at Xander’s refusal to let him drive it on the roads until he’d had some practise away from anything he could mow down with fatal consequences, Spike went into joyful bounding mode, virtually leaping into the human’s arms to hug and kiss his thanks.

“So, we taking the Jag to Red’s?” he asked excitedly.

“Taking the Mercedes.”

“You can drive if we take the Jag.  C’mon, let’s show it off.”

“Need the Merc.”

“Why?  It’s not like last time, we’re not taking loads of stuff with us.”

Xander moved his mouth close to Spike’s ear.

“Thought we should be prepared for any eventuality.  Merc’s built like a hotel whereas you can’t fuck in the back of a coupe.”

The vampire gasped.  Oh, yeah, I can make him gasp.

“That’s a fine thought.  So what if the anticipation drives me bloody berserk?  Thank you and bless you, Harris.”

“Yeah,” Xander mock-sympathised, “course, if we weren’t rushing off to Sunnydale this minute…”

“I have to do it, Xander,” Spike told him, all humour gone.  “Have to, not want to.”

“You worried about when William’s going to get thrown out of the revolving door?”  Spike nodded, knowing he couldn’t share Xander, knowing that Xander knew he wouldn’t share.  The thought of being with Xander, maybe even in Xander, when that door revolved…  “Then let’s hope Grandpa has some answers.”

It didn’t take long to get their things together, then they were driving out of their grounds, Xander stopping at the gates to take a few digital photographs to show Willow and Dawn.  Back in the car he turned to Spike, taking a good hard look at the object of his affection.

“What?  Don’t like this?”

Spike was wearing a midnight blue, v-neck chenille sweater that Xander hadn’t seen before today.  It softened the vampire’s lines and made him look immensely touchable – exactly how touchable, Xander planned to find out later.

“You look fabulous.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, yeah.”

Xander leant over and kissed Spike before setting off on the long road to Sunnydale.

“I bought it in the mall at the apartment.  The woman in the shop did a real job on me, told me it brought out the colour of my eyes, that my girlfriend would love me in it.  ‘Boyfriend,’ I said, thought I might get a rise, but she didn’t even pause, told me how lucky you were that I had such great taste in clothes.”

“She really did do a job.”

“You seen the cartoons when the characters have little dollar signs ring up in their eyes?  Ker-ching.”  Xander laughed.  “That was her.  If I’d have said I was wearing this to kill people she’d have told me it would blend in perfectly with any number of homicide locations.”  Spike paused; Xander felt his mood change.  “Umm... Xander...  Do you want the card back?  The Gold Card.”

“Why would I want it back?”

“Because I stuck it in your face and told you I was buying a whore with your money.”

“Oh, right.  That.”

“That.  I was angry, I wouldn’t have done it.  Never cheat on you, Xan.  Not my style.”

“I know.  I trust you.”

“You do?”  Xander smiled at the wonder in the vampire’s voice.  “That’s…special.”

“How do you feel about the card?”  Spike glanced at him questioningly.  “You said my money, but I want you to feel like it’s our money, your money.  Don’t want you to feel, well…”

“Like you can buy me?” Spike finished for him with a brief humourless laugh.  “But you can.  It’s not like I’m too proud to take whatever comes my way.  Bloody chip taught me I couldn’t afford to be.”

“I want you to be proud.  Of yourself because you’re a great person, and – and can you be proud of me?  What I’ve achieved for us?”

“Goes without saying, pet.  In my estimation you’ve recently been elevated in status from wondrous mortal to just above the average god.”

“You’re so full of bull.”

“Actually…no.  Not this time.”

Xander smiled and shook his head before becoming serious again.

“I could set up an account for you, unconnected to mine, separate card, name of your choice.  I’d just pay money in every month.  It’d give you independence and some privacy.”

“I want to share yours.  I want to keep the name.  I want the card you gave me.”

“You know, the card’s about loving you, not buying you.  It’s unconditional.  Leave me and that card still keeps you fed, housed, clothed.  That card says I love you, and I will love you whatever.”

Spike slipped into deep reflection and Xander left him wallowing for a while, right up until he thought of Spike in the store, buying the sweater that his boyfriend would love him in.

“Did you mind saying that?”

“What?”

“Boyfriend.”

“Just a label, innit?  She’d’ve said wife, I’d’ve said husband.”  Spike began to sort through CD cases.  “She’d’ve said your woman, I’d’ve said my man.  She’d’ve said your reason for existing, I’d’ve…agreed.”  A glance sideways confirmed it hadn’t been said for effect.  Spike was still flicking through the CDs, reading track listings, and the whole scene was so tremendously ordinary that Xander needed a couple of minutes to take it in.  His heart started to pound madly, his face flushed.  Spike felt the changes and turned to him.  “What’s wrong?”

“It‘s real.  This is real.  I’ve got you and this is for always.  It’s perfectly…real.”

“Taken all this time to figure it out?”

“To believe.  When were we ever this lucky?”  Spike laid his hand on Xander’s thigh and squeezed, not able to answer, so afraid that he was on the verge of permanently losing this body to William because he had proved the more stable of them and knew…  Goddamnit how did he know?  …exactly how to manipulate the demon.  More stable than Spike.  But there were active volcanoes more stable than Spike.  It was almost laughable that he was running to his grand-sire for help but there was too much at stake to be precious about it, and if anyone could help it was Angel.  Would help was another matter altogether.  He sensed Xander look in his direction and knew he had to, a) shake off Spike the Introspective, and b) stop playing with his neck because it made Xander frown.

“Spike…?”

“Mmm?”

“Ventriloquist dummies?”

…

“Can you pull over?” Spike requested on the outskirts of Sunnydale.  Xander did as he was asked and turned off the engine, waiting patiently for the vampire to volunteer the problem.  Spike stared out of the windshield, and Xander could see the turmoil he was fighting against revealing.

“Want to go home?”

“No.  Well, yes, but no.”

“You don’t have to do this now.”

“Yes, I do.  Just feeling a tad anxious about it.”

“What can I do to help?”

Spike shrugged.

“Don’t give up on me.”

Xander took the hand that had spent most of the journey on his thigh and linked their fingers.

“Think there’s any real chance of that?”

Another shrug.  Xander knew they weren’t going anywhere near the truth and, although he wanted to go into the kind of hissy fit that always got him his own way at work, he knew he had to shut up and back off.  He’d find out what was messing with the vampire’s head sooner or later.  Sooner.  Ten minutes and they’d be at Willow’s, facing up to Angel, and what the hell did Spike want with him anyway?  Old prejudices refused to be shed, and maybe the souled vampire had been supportive when he’d needed to talk, but when William had mentioned the torture…  Try to remember that was Angelus, long time ago, Angelus.  And this is Angel.  Forgiven.  Oh, yeah.  Puts one finger on my vamp and he’s dust.

“You look like I feel.”

“Same old same old,” Xander sighed.  “Shall we just get this over with?”

Spike echoed the sigh.

“Go on then.”

Xander turned the engine over but didn’t drive.

“Don’t want you to think I’m being funny, don’t want you to think I’m brushing you off, but I can’t be too hands-on in front of them.  I feel enough of a freak show as it is.”

“I see.  Separate beds is it?”

“God, no.”  Xander checked his mirror, indicated and pulled out onto the road.  “Remember last time?  ‘Get a room’, ‘Hey, Xander, think you got a little vampire there on your face’, ‘We can understand if you’re lonely, but this isn’t right’.” Xander mimicked snarkily.

“The slayer.”

“You know I made it up with her but I’m not forgiving, forgetting guy any more.  Kinda lost that somewhere along the way.”

“Back at the Srumanteshtak?”

“I’m like a stuck record, I know.”

The rage bit into him and Xander thumped the steering wheel, causing Spike to throw him a concerned glance.

“Let it go, Xander.  I have.”

“And there’s nothing in your past that makes you want to kick some serious butt every time you think about it?”

“There’s…stuff.”

“The Initiative.”

“Goes without saying.”

“And…and…”

“Recent events, yes.”

“Well then.”

“Well then nothing.  Let the Srumanteshtak go.”

“Y’know, when William said…”

“Oh, not him!”

“When he said…  Ah, forget it.”

“My pleasure.”

“No.  He told me he couldn’t survive without you.  That those bastards broke you and without your courage he fell to pieces.  When he told me that, it was like living through the demon thing all over again, because that’s how it was: when you were hurt I lost it.  I trusted my friends and they fucked us over.  How the hell do I let that go?”

“William said that?”

“What?  Oh.  Yeah.  He said that.”

“Xander…they didn’t break me.”

“He said…”

“They didn’t break me,” Spike insisted, before adding quietly, “I was already broken.”

There was a long pause while Xander dug around for the nerve to ask.

“Was that me?”

“Indirectly.”

Another long silence.  Xander drove straight past Willow’s in the hope that this conversation could be finished.

“You going to tell me?”

“No.”

“Spill.  Or I turn around and go home.”

“Xander…”

“I mean it.”

The harsh edge to the voice said that this wasn’t the Xander you could play around with, and Spike respected that.  He took a deep breath.

“A few months before you left, we were out, some humans started on you and I couldn’t help,” he said, quickly and quietly, throwing it all away.

“Wait, you mean…  What, those drunks?”

“Didn’t matter that they were drunk, mattered that there were four of them and they smacked you around.”

“It was a few bruises and a bloody nose.”

“They could have killed you and I wouldn’t have been able to do a damn thing to stop them,” Spike told him furiously.  “The fact that they were so fucking pathetic made it worse.  I loved you, I was in love with you, and everything I am said I should tear them apart for touching what was mine.  And don’t give me a hard time for saying that because you were and you bloody well know it!”

“I know it,” Xander said disarmingly.

“Always mine,” Spike muttered, wind taken out of his sails by Xander’s acquiescence.

“That’s true.”

Spike took a deep breath.

“Anyway, that’s it, my Srumanteshtak, that’s what knocked the stuffing out of me, end of conversation.”

“You didn’t get over that?”

“End of conversation.  Turn back, go to Red’s, let’s get this soddin’ disaster over with.”

“We’re going to talk about this some more.”

“That’s.  Just.  Peachy.”

…

Parked outside Willow’s, Xander took a look at the other cars.  Willow’s in the garage, Buffy’s in the drive, the convertible they’d drawn up behind was presumably Angel’s.

“Hey, hey, the gang’s all here,” he said under his breath.  “Hoo-fucking-ray.”

Spike leant over and pulled Xander to face him.

“Tell me, quickly, please.”

“I love you, Spike.”

“Scared, Xan.  So bloody scared.”

“I’m here for you, remember that.  No-one hurts you again.”

“You’re here.  That’s good.”

“I love you, and I won’t be giving up.”

Spike nodded and turned back in his seat, movement catching his eye as Willow approached the Merc at a trot.  Xander was out of the car and the watcher was in his arms, kissing him and welcoming him enthusiastically.  Spike gave them a few minutes then popped his door and climbed from the car.

“Hello, Red,” he casually said to her back, hearing her gasp.

Willow pulled out of Xander’s hug and swivelled, eyes huge as they took in the smiling vampire, silent for only seconds before she screamed in delight and threw her arms around him.

“Spike, Spike, Spike!  Oh, thank the Goddess!  Spike!”

“Don’t start snivelling, woman.”

“Try and stop me, evil un-phoning one.”

The commotion brought Buffy from the house.  The moment Spike saw her he shook off Willow, stepping back with a growl, eyes flashing gold.

“Hey!” Xander said warningly, catching an arm.

“Slayer,” Spike hissed as the demon’s face shimmered over the human façade.

“Spike!”

“Buffy.  I’m Buffy,” the slayer said with an unconvincing smile.  “We’re friends.”

Spike fought against his demon, managing to quash the reaction with some difficulty.

“Buffy.  Yes.  Buffy.”

He smiled at her, and she could see the strain of it.

“You in control?” Xander asked.  Spike gave a nod.  “Spike.  Are you in control?” Xander repeated pointedly.

“Yes, Xander.”

Xander stared at Spike for a long moment, then allowed Willow to take him up to the house, wandering arm-in-arm.  Buffy watched them go, waiting for a moment’s privacy to say her piece.  Her peace.

“I’m glad you came back,” she told Spike honestly.  “In every sense.”

There was a pause as he regarded her and struggled with whatever was raging inside him.  Then she saw him relax.

“Me too.”  He smiled again, and this time there was warmth in his eyes.  “Buffy.  Of course, it’s Buffy.  I don’t know what’s the matter with me.”

“After what you’ve been through…”  The guilt took her voice.  “I wasn’t very kind to you the last time you were here.”

“I remember.  You wanted to stake me.  Fairly harsh treatment for being a simpleton.”

Buffy cringed, but she was perversely glad that Spike had the ability to make her cringe again.

“I’m sorry.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it.  I would’ve wanted to stake me too, only for less legitimate reasons.”

He unexpectedly put an arm around her shoulders as they strolled after Xander and Willow.  After the split- second it took for the surprise to wear off, she smugly put her arm around his waist, wishing that Xander would look back and forgive her for absolutely everything ever.

“What reason?”

“Umm…I was a pathetic, brain-dead tosser?  Irritating as hell.  I have no idea where Xander gets his patience from.”

“You took care of Drusilla for a century.”

“I had to.  No, well, I wanted to, but I had to.  She was my sire.  Xander—”

“What?” Buffy looked at him and asked warily, wondering if she’d said something wrong yet again.

He grinned wickedly.

“Bit of the old Bite Xander fantasy.  May have to keep that horny thought for later.”

“Spike!  T.M.I.”

“Like you never fantasize.”

“Not about—”  They were almost alongside the subject of their conversation.  She dropped her voice.  “Not about biting Xander.”

“Then you don’t know what you’re missing.”

“Okay?” Xander asked, looking at the both of them with an expression that virtually pleaded for everything to be fine.

“Okay,” Spike and Buffy confirmed in unison.

“Right,” Xander said directly to Spike.  “Angel’s here.”

“I know.  I can feel him.”

“Still time to change your mind.”

“He wants to see you,” Willow offered hopefully.  “He’s been here hours waiting for you.  Hours and hours.”

“Better not keep him waiting any longer then.”

Spike let Buffy walk away from him and into the house, then looked to Xander, to Willow, back to Xander.  He wanted to hold onto Xander, but this was a hands-off zone, and that stung.  Then he saw Xander’s hand start to rise toward him but Willow was quicker, linking her arm in his and leading him inside.

Repossession 20       Repossession Index       Repossession Notes

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