The night was awful, full of bad dreams and stretches of miserable wakefulness.  But the subject of the nightmares was not what Xander had expected, and the insomnia was caused by a single troubling notion.  The moment William stirred Xander spoke.

“I need Spike back.  I need him, I can’t believe I wanted him to stay away, please Will, do something.   William?”

“Master?” William answered semi-consciously.

“I need Spike.”

William’s eyes gradually opened and he blinked dozily at Xander.

“Naturally.  One hour.”

And he rolled away and relaxed straight back into sleep.  Spike will be back in an hour?  Or he’ll wake up and deal with it in one hour?  A whole hour?  Xander glanced at the clock and started the countdown.

It took, by Xander’s reckoning, at least three hours for the clock to progress five minutes.  I’m going to be insane by the time he’s awake.  Back.  Awake.  Fuck.  Want my Spike, want my real, my own, sweetheart. The events of yesterday seemed a long way off; Xander could see the mistakes, the chronic errors in judgement, and he understood how not to let it happen again.  And William will protect me.  All right, if Xander probed too deeply the fear would explode, shred him, but he’d spent too long living with fear in some ugly shape or form to let it rule him.  Xander Harris was the most stubborn bastard Xander Harris knew, and if he decided things were fine, things were fucking-well fine.  If he could get through his childhood and teens with that brute of a father, he could manage to claw back what he had with Spike, because Spike was it.  Spike was the love of his life.  Spike was his love and his life.  William will protect me, whispered to him in the darkness, and he listened.  Because.  Xander wanted Spike, and he wanted to reassure him and love him and get downright physical with him.  This time it was Spike’s own demon that had stolen his lover away and he wanted – no, more than that – he was determined to get his Spike back.  Repossession.  He would bloody-mindedly get his own way.  Nobody fucked around with Alexander Harris any more.

And William will protect me.

He couldn’t wait here.  He’d get up, make it a normal day.  Fix breakfast, Spike would come down, bitching about being up too early but refusing to go back to bed alone.  Xander would check his e-mails, see if he had anything urgent to deal with, Spike would amuse himself while he completed paperwork from the latest projects.  Later they’d drive for a couple of hours, then go and get the glasses made up: there was somewhere in the mall beneath his old apartment and his parking was still valid.  Xander needed some files from his office so maybe later he would take Spike to see where he worked, drive him past a couple of the buildings he’d overseen the construction of.  Back home and hours of profound intimacy.  Me and Spike.  Spike and me.  Normality.

Not a chance.  Small chance?  Flip a coin.

Empty kitchen, strangely quiet even with the radio playing.  Forty-five minutes of Spikelessness.  Pancakes.  Warm syrup.  Ice cream.  Waiting for Bleachboy.  When Xander returned to the bedroom he could tell at a glance that this was Spike.  No longer the peaceable sprawl of William, but a tense body hunched into a knot on the far side of the bed – so far, in fact, that the slightest nudge would send him onto the floor.

“Spike?” Xander asked softly.  The vampire’s body tensed a little more, somehow managing to constrict the muscles around Xander’s heart.  “Spike, I’ve made breakfast.  I’d like you to join me.  If you want to.  I’ll…umm…I’ll be waiting.”

Ten minutes and Xander was back…  Can’t keep away.  …finding Spike sitting forlornly on the edge of the mattress, head in hands.  Xander sat at the foot of the bed, leg tucked under him as he faced the vampire.

“I thought…” Spike started, but his voice gave out and he had to try again.  “I’ll go.  Angel will take me in.  I’ll go to him.  I think he’ll have me.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’ll have you,” Xander replied with typical Angel-motivated hostility.

Spike barely heard, certainly missed the tone.

“Obligated.  Should’ve kept his trap shut.”  Spike paused, inhaled, exhaled a long, shaky breath.  “I’ll go.”

“I thought you didn’t run away.”

“And I thought I couldn’t hurt you.  I know you don’t feel safe with me and how the fuck can I blame you?  I love your eyes, Xander, love the way you look at me, into me.  I can’t cope with seeing fear there.”

“Run away and how do we learn to trust again?”  Spike opened his mouth to speak but Xander pre-empted him.  “Anyhow, you have no choice.  You’re mine – claimed – and you’re not going anywhere without my permission.”  Spike stiffened visibly and Xander wondered if he was just digging himself in deeper.  “You don’t have it.  So you don’t leave.  Do I make myself clear?”

Dodgily long pause.

“Yes, Xander.”

“Come and have breakfast.  I made you pancakes.”

Xander rose and was almost out of the door when he heard the strained whisper.

“Xander?”

“Yeah?”

“You still want me?”

“Of course I want you.  I love you.”

“Why?”

“Umm…because I can’t score with girls?  Because someone stole the sheep?  Because inflatable Roxy got a puncture?”  Xander moved back to Spike and stood in front of him, stroking the top of his head and dragging his fingertips through the waves.  “Because you’re the only person I’ve ever met that I can’t live without?”  Xander reached down, took Spike by the shoulders and coaxed him to his feet.  “Look at me.  Think I’m scared?  Well, yeah.  Of losing you.  The only thing I’m scared of is losing you.  I’ve always known what you are, and I’ve never kidded myself this would be easy.  You’re worth it.  We’re worth it.  Don’t you think we’re worth it?  Look at me, Spike.”

Spike forced himself to raise his head, meet the deep brown eyes that were waiting to prove an undisputable point.  In return, Xander saw a depth of sorrow that was both heart-rending and reassuring.

“You’re not afraid,” Spike murmured as his shaking hands came up to lay on Xander’s chest, press over his heart.  “Xander…”

Xander enfolded Spike in his arms, rubbing his back, nuzzling his ear, rocking…

“I’ll make it better.  I’ll make it all better.”

…until the shaking stopped.

“Wasn’t sure you’d let me touch you again,” Spike admitted huskily.

“I want your touches.  I want your love.  Your understanding.  I don’t want shame, apologies, excuses, talk of leaving, or any further mention of you running away to Angel.”  Spike’s hand snaked up between them and grasped the neck of his t-shirt, pulling it aside to expose Xander’s claim mark; he tilted his head, offering.  “Today…I want to be gentle with you,” Xander confessed, touching the mark with the lightest of kisses.  “Let me be gentle.”

“He’s gentle,” Spike said of William, his voice displaying a unprecedented lack of animosity.  “You could have him.”

“I know I could.  In every sense.  I could’ve had him last night.  Plenty of last nights.  But it’s you I want.  It’s always been you, Spike.”

Spike ran his arms around Xander’s neck and held tight, letting Xander crush him to his wonderfully warm body.

“I’m so cold.  Inside I’m ice.  What I did…”

“Listen to me.  There’s something that’s got lost in all of this.  Okay, yes, things got out of hand, and we were both to blame for that.  But the chip went off.”

“If it hadn’t been there…”

“Think about it.  Even with the demon in full possession, knowing you could do just about anything to me, the chip went off.  You realised it was wrong.  The chip will only react to your hostile intent, so you must have known what you were doing was wrong.  And I saw it in your eyes for a spilt second before the chip kicked in.  You suddenly understood, and you were going to stop.”

“I don’t remember.”

“I do.  I’m certain you wouldn’t have carried on.”

“Certain?”

“Absolutely certain.  I started it but you finished it.  You wouldn’t have…carried on.”

There was a long silence as Spike thought and Xander chose not to.

“So…?”

“Nothing’s changed.  You, me, here, great.  And if you have the chance, that chip comes out.  What did Angel call it?”

“An abomination.”

“Got that right, didn’t he?”

Xander persuaded Spike down to the kitchen, but the subdued vampire drank blood out of necessity and wanted nothing more.

“D’you fancy going out later?”

“Where?”

“Thought you could spend some time in the Jag.  I want you to be able to use it by the time I go back to work.”

“Isn’t that now?”

“I’ve taken another week off.  Unless you want some space?”

“Hardly.  I just…” the voice dropped to virtual inaudibility.  “…want you.”

“You’ve got that.”  Xander hesitated before mentioning the glasses, but decided he’d be better off making the subject as businesslike as possible, and if Spike got mad…  Fucking stop that!  Not afraid, not afraid.  And William will protect me.  Nevertheless, Xander tensed before he spoke.  “I want to get your glasses made up.  I’ve noticed you rubbing your eyes all the time when you try to read, you must be very uncomfortable.”  Spike just nodded, staring at where his hands were folded on the table.  Xander forced himself to un-tense.  “We’ll use the opticians in the mall at our old place.  We need to be there at four.”  That told Spike that Xander had gone ahead and made arrangements without his consent, but still nothing more from the vampire but a nod.  “Takes about an hour for the lenses to be put in the frames.  While we’re waiting you can introduce me to the woman who thinks you’ve got a very lucky boyfriend.”  That made Spike look up, and Xander took the opportunity to give him a smile.  Didn’t seem to help though, and Spike looked immediately away.  “I need to go by the office later, pick some files up.  Want to come see where I work?”  Pause.  “Spike?”

“Whatever you want.”

Xander knew he’d got it wrong, that he shouldn’t have spoken to Spike the way he had upstairs.  Giving him no choice about staying.  But he’d been so scared that Spike was going to just up and go, go to Angel, who would reclaim him and keep him.  That was scarier than any demon.  Look at him.  Emasculated.  ‘…you’re not going anywhere without my permission.’  Happy, Harris?

“If you want to leave, Spike, I’m not going to stop you.  I know what I said, but I don’t have the right.”  Another infuriating nod, and now Xander wondered if it sounded like he wanted Spike to go.  “That’s a lie.  I would try to stop you.  I’d do anything in my power to stop you leaving.  I tell you, if reason didn’t work I’d be crying and begging, I’d be on my knees.  And if that didn’t work…well, there’s always that tying you to the bed thing we discussed.”  The tiniest smile touched Spike’s lips.  “I could do that anyway.  On the off-chance.”

“I liked what you said, Xander.  I feel safer if you own me.”

“I never meant it to sound that way.  I just…I can’t cope with the thought of you going.”

“I want to stay,” Spike admitted under his breath, and that was all Xander needed.

He went around the table to Spike, kneeling beside his chair and pulling the miserable vampire around and into his arms.  Before he had a chance to wonder if the attention was unwelcome, Spike was clinging to him with an unbreakable grip.

“How can I make this better?  Make you better?”

“Forgive me.  Please, Xander.”

Simple as that.  In his head Xander hurled abuse at himself, cursing himself for not learning from the episode at Willow’s.  Forgiveness was a powerful tool.  Spike readily accepted blame if he could have forgiveness.

“I’d forgive you anything.  I forgive you.”  Feeling the tremor that ran through Spike, Xander tightened his hold.  “Sweetheart, of course I forgive you, you shouldn’t even need to ask.  I forgive you.”

“What if I’d…hurt you?”

“Might have taken more than insomnia and pancakes, but I’d have forgiven you.”

“I’m desperately sorry, Xander.”

“It wouldn’t have come to that anyway.  I told you, I saw it in your eyes.  But you did frighten me, and that I forgive you for.  And I don’t want you to be unhappy.”

“Can you tell me?”

Tell you.  Show you.

“I love you,” Xander promised as he manoeuvred Spike into a kissable position and took full advantage of it, feeling the change in Spike’s demeanour with every kiss.  Several dozen later the tension was gone and Spike was putty in Xander’s warm hands.  “I love you, and I’ll forgive you anything.”

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

“What if I…scratch the Merc?”

“I lied: you’re dust.”

“See?  I only believe you’ve forgiven me if you’re willing to stake me.  And I thought Dru was insane.”

Xander nuzzled the vampire’s neck, taking comfort from the closeness and the acceptance that yet another disaster had been averted.  Yes, he was extremely wary of the demon and wouldn’t be taking any chances and, yes, if it wasn’t for William, Xander wasn’t sure he’d feel safe at all.  But the benefits of this relationship outweighed any amount of necessary caution: this was the man he loved in his arms, and later he would be in his bed, and then everything would be perfect.

“I missed you in the night,” he confessed.

“You did?”

“Think William can replace you?” Xander asked scornfully.

“Yes,” in a sad, resigned voice.

“No, Spike.  No.”

“You told him you wanted him,” without a hint of rancour.

“It’s you without the scary stuff, of course I want him.  But I won’t have him.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s not you.”  Xander kissed Spike, hard now, letting him know.  “Missed you.  Missed being able to touch you…kiss you…take you.  I wanted to fuck you, Spike, I wanted to be that close to you so badly.  And you were gone.”

“Now?” Spike asked urgently.  “You can fuck me now.”

Xander looked into the wide blue eyes, saw the eagerness and more.  He saw the need to make things right, and knew that Spike thought that this was all he had to offer in reparation.  As much as Xander wanted him Spike had to be shown that he could make things better without falling onto his back.

“I’m gonna fuck you later.  I want to think about it all day until I’m crazy with frustration.  I want to be desperate for you.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s what you deserve.”  Actively desired.  Xander heard the vampire draw a quick breath and forgave himself for feeling smug.  “I’m never going to take you for granted.”

“But you are going to take me.”

“Oh, yeah.  Frequently.”

A smile emerged at long last.

“Whatever you want to do today, I‘m happy.  Whatever.”

So like William.  Maybe too much William.  Xander smiled back at Spike and witnessed the vampire’s relief.  At a smile.  Relieved because I smiled.  My poor sweetheart.  Wearing the Harris belligerence like a suit of armour, Xander decided that Spike would have a good day.  A very good day.  And God help anything negative that came his way.

Repossession 29       Repossession Index       Repossession Notes

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