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The rest of the week was
uneventful, particularly when compared to the previous seven days. Trust swiftly returned, neither man tempting
fate by speaking of it, but each luxuriating in its unquestionable
presence. There were nightmares: Xander
was fuzzily aware that it was occasionally William soothing him back to sleep,
which meant Spike was also troubled and feeling the need to retreat; Spike
accepted the heavy tackles from Xander that were sometimes all that kept him in
bed when instinct insisted that he physically flee the torture in his
head. Their disturbed nights were yet
another subject they avoided by unspoken agreement.
Xander, as predicted, lost his
diamond stud to Spike. Spike successfully
cut Xander’s hair, surreptitiously keeping a fat lock of it and tucking it away
for himself. Xander worked more from
home and Spike spent that time reading voraciously, methodically working his
way through every book that had any bearing on Xander’s work, determined to be
able to offer something intelligent when the conversation turned in that
direction. Xander was deeply touched by
Spike’s interest, despite the vampire’s attempts to make light of it.
There were times when Spike was
inexplicably fractious, times when he fell into impenetrable silences. Friday evening, and Xander was just about
ready to scream after spending the day growing tenser and more frustrated with
his irritable, fidgeting partner. He was
almost wishing something would go haywire and William would arrive to give him
a break from the constant barrage of snarkiness.
“Why don’t you go out for a
while?”
“Why should I?”
“You’re on edge.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re driving me nuts.”
“You go out then.”
“There’s a movie on in an hour I
want to see.”
“Do I want to see it?”
“I doubt it.”
“Then do we have to?”
“You don’t have to. Go out.”
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”
“Why would I do that? After you’ve been such a pleasure to be
around all day.”
“Fuck you.”
“Sure. If it’ll calm you down.”
“No.”
“What is wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Then calm down. Sit, Spike, just for a few minutes, you’re
wearing me out just watching you.”
“Sit, Spike. Like I’m some fucking pet.”
“That isn’t…”
“Piss off and leave me alone. It’s nothing to do with you.”
“Which suggests that there is
something wrong.”
“You have to be so bloody clever,
don’t you?”
“Gimme a break.”
“Right. Look who you’re living with. You can’t be that soddin’ smart.”
“Spike!” Xander hollered. At last the vampire stopped moving, rush of
anxiety flooding his features… Chip,
defenceless, strong human, defenceless, pain, defenceless. …before he had the chance to cover it. “Spike,” Xander continued softly. “What’s wrong?” Spike refused to meet his eyes, shrugged dismissively. “You want…what? Is it just that you need to be away from me?”
“No,” snapped back, sincere.
“Just bored?”
“Some.”
“You want to go out?” Shrug.
“Got a problem with going out?”
Spike flinched. How does he do that? How does he know?
“Some.”
“Tell me.”
Xander, make it right, make it
better. Xander, love him, love him. I’ll never be good enough.
“Don’t you get sick of me being so
fucking pathetic? So…weak?”
“I never see you as either of
those things and you know it.”
“I don’t. I don’t know it.”
“Okay. Well, I’m telling you now. However shocking you find it, I have the
greatest respect for you.”
Spike crossed to the sofa and
slumped into it beside Xander.
“Fucking hell, Xander,” he
whispered miserably, watching as Xander’s fingers wound into his. “I’m so…”
Xander waited patiently. “You
remember back at the flat – apartment – when I went out, ended up at that café?”
“I remember.”
“Said to you I’d wandered around,
ended up there, made it sound all casual like?”
Xander nodded. “I was… I was terrified that night. Out alone.
In the dark. Humans… I went to that café for the light, thought if
I just kept to myself there’d be no problem.
Then that fucking awful whore started on me, and I wanted rid of her but
I thought, if I scared her off it’d draw attention and the men in there…”
Xander waited while Spike took a
few sharp breaths to calm himself.
“So, you didn’t…?”
“I did what I told you, but then I
got out of there so fast they never saw me move. See, all she had to do was put her hands on
me and I couldn’t have that. The only
person with any right to touch me is you.”
Xander smiled and gratefully
kissed the chilly fingers he held.
“If you want to go out, we can go
together.”
“That’s not the point, is it?”
“No. I guess it isn’t.”
“I don’t want to be like this, I
hate being like this, I hate myself, but I can’t see it getting better with
this bastard thing in my head.”
“You want to call Angel again?”
“What’s the point? He’s probably taking the piss anyway. Why would he want me put right?”
“I think he wants to help.”
“Sod him.” Spike brought Xander’s hand up and rested his
cheek against it. “I was so glad to get
home to you. Then I was scared again in case
I’d screwed up so badly you were going to throw me out.”
“You know I’m never going to do
that. You do know that?”
“Most of the time.” There was a long, ponderous pause before
Spike glanced at Xander, embarrassed smile on his face. “Know what I miss?”
“What?” Spike took a breath to speak, then shook his head. “Come on.
You can tell me anything.”
“Yeah, but… Ah, what the hell. When I was bad, really ill, you used to hold
me. You’d pull me onto your lap and hold
me for hours. I used to feel so safe,
and… Fuck me sideways, can’t believe I’m
saying this to a human.”
“Yeah, but not just any
human. Your human. Who will be your Consort some day.”
“Some day,” Spike repeated
flatly. “Yeah, right.”
Xander gently tugged on the
vampire’s arm until, with a sigh of resignation, he let himself be drawn onto Xander’s
lap. There seemed to be twice as much
Spike as there used to be, reminding Xander how frail he’d been such a short
time before, but somehow the vampire managed to fold up and squish down and
soon he was tucked into Xander like he’d always been, snuggling into the once
familiar position and closing his eyes in contentment as strong arms folded
protectively around him.
“Don’t be too proud to tell me
whatever it is you want,” Xander told him.
“’Cause I liked this too, and I’m not ashamed to want to be this close
to you. All that’s missing is the purr.”
“I don’t purr.”
“You used to.”
“Nope.”
“I loved the purr.”
“No purring.”
“Buffy said that Angel doesn’t
purr for her. I thought that made us
special.”
“That won’t work either.”
“Worth a try though.”
“Backhanded and sneaky. Admirable tactics, pet.”
Xander cuddled his vampire
tightly, burying his face in soft hair and grinning to himself, having missed
and wanted this ever since Spike’s recovery.
Then Spike’s words came back to him.
“Spike, do you realise what you
said? You said I used to hold you.”
“You did.”
“I used to hold William.”
“That was…” Spike thought. “Oh, right.
Right.”
“Isn’t that a good sign? Towards integration?”
“Integration, my arse,” Spike
muttered dismissively as he turned his face into Xander’s neck and
nuzzled. “Just fucking nuts.”
“You’d probably feel better if you
purred.” Xander felt rather than heard
the snigger. “Go on, you obstinate shit,
just for me.”
“I’m already sat on your lap like
some bint, you determined to strip away every bit of dignity I’ve got left?”
“If necessary.” Another snigger. “Hey, how about we go out, get a couple of
beers, see a movie…”
“Or we could just stay in and fuck
each other silly.”
“We could, but sometimes it’s
sweeter when you have to wait for it.”
“I’m not sure I want to wait.”
“Spike. I’ll be with you. Everything will be okay. Some human starts on you and he’ll be
wearing his balls around his neck.”
“There’s an appealing picture.”
“So, are we going out?”
Spike took a long time to nod on
this one, and the minute he did he curled into Xander, accepting an embrace
that was brutally tight and almost, almost made him feel safe.
…
Two in the morning. Home.
Blood. Hot chocolate.
“Feel better for getting out?”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
“For what?”
“Everything.”
“Oh, that,” Xander
joked. “You don’t have to thank me. You wouldn’t have once. I couldn’t have tortured it out of you once.”
Spike dropped his head but Xander
could still see the sadness, the pained frown.
“I’ll never be him again,
Xander.” He continued hesitantly. “What I am now… Is it enough?”
Xander took Spike into his arms
and kissed away the worry and the doubt.
“More than enough. You’re still you, Spike. We’ve both changed, but we’re still us. And I will always love you.”
Xander gave him a long gentle
kiss, slowly running his hands over the hard body, feeling the muscles twitch
expectantly beneath his touch. Spike
suddenly broke away.
“Shit, I’m going to have that
bloody song stuck in my head all night now.”
“What song?”
“And there was me hoping you’d be
using my suggestibility for purposes other than brainwashing tonight. Fucking dire song.”
Xander rewound what he’d said,
caught on and grinned.
“You been listening to my radio
stations again?”
“It’s your fault. Want to tell me again how you get to choose
the music in the Jag?”
“Both hands on the wheel, I’ll set
the radio,” Xander reeled off, laughing.
“Get that bollocking tripe out of
my head. Sing me something.”
That wiped the smile off of
Xander’s face.
“Why? What have you done? Do you deserve to be punished?”
“You’re not that bad.”
“I’m bad.”
“Not that bad.”
“You hate the songs I like.”
“Don’t care.”
“They’re all older than you
apparently.”
“Sing me something.”
“Can’t I just…build you a
hotel? I can do that without humiliating
myself.”
“Who’s trying to retain a little
dignity now then?”
“Look, pal, if I could purr
instead of sing I’d do it.”
“But you’re going to sing,” Spike
smirked, “and we’ll figure out the choreography later.”
“Dance, I can do. Slow.”
Xander pulled Spike close, began
to sway to the music in his head. One
song that went back years, to their apartment in Sunnydale. It was corny, schmaltzy, unfashionable, and genuinely
born years before him, but the minute he’d heard it it’d clicked for him. Because as the radio played he’d been
watching the object of his undeclared affection return from a horrific showdown
with a family of demons who had been threatening to eat their way through the
youth of Sunnydale at an amazing rate.
Because of an acidic froth these demons showered with every move it had
been impossible for any humans to approach them and, despite of the split in
the Scoobies, Buffy had asked Spike to destroy the demons. Xander had spent the night pacing their
apartment, frantic and wondering if he’d ever see the vampire again; just
before dawn he’d appeared, bloody, blistered and exhausted, sinking onto the
sofa without a word. The song had
played, Xander had sat beside Spike, uncharacteristically silent because of the
absolute honesty that threatened to emerge should he open his mouth, and had
received one of the most sincere smiles he’d ever seen from the vampire. Knew Spike was as glad to be home as Xander
was to have him.
“You serious about this?”
“I’m waiting.”
“I can’t sing.”
“I know you, Xander. You have a song in that pretty head of yours
that’s ours.”
“No,” Xander protested
unconvincingly as the sway came to a halt.
“Yours then. About me.
Because sometimes I look into those eyes and there’s music playing.”
“And if you ever find out what it
is you’ll stake me.”
“I’m waiting.”
“How about I just go to the music
store and buy it for you? I could hand
it over, run exceptionally fast in the other direction…”
“Want me, Xan? Tonight?”
“Blackmail now?”
“Whatever works.”
“Why does it matter?” Xander
demanded, sounding just a little too desperate.
“Because I know about you and
music. Simple, soppy, grand or
gruesome. I see it turn you on or turn
you over or turn you off. It fills your
heart with joy and your eyes with tears.
It boils your blood and freezes your breath. I see you hear something that touches places
I can never touch and you’re transported.
This isn’t about a song, this is about baring your soul.”
“Fucking hell,” Xander said
quietly.
“Deny it.”
“It’s just a song.”
“Just.”
“Can we forget this for now? For tonight?
I’m going to bed, you coming?”
“Not yet.”
“Okay. Well…
Okay. I’ll see you later. When you come up.”
“I’ll try not to wake you.”
Xander’s face clouded with
disappointment as that sank in, but he nodded and turned away, got as far as
the door before coming to a halt. With a
mighty sigh he slapped his hand onto a switch and extinguished the main lights,
turning back to find the vampire bathed in moonlight and irresistible. Returning to an unmoving Spike he put his
arms around him, pulled him close and rested their cheeks together, his lips
close to the vampire’s ear. Wishing he
could, at the very least, hold a tune, Xander sort-of sang, partly spoke,
sometimes whispered the source of his embarrassment.
“You see this guy.
This guy's in love with you.”
He’s still here…
“Yes, I’m in love.
Who looks at you the way I do?”
…and he’s not laughing…
“When you smile, I can tell,
We know each other very well.
How can I show you, I’m glad,
I got to know you, 'cause…”
…no ridicule…
“I've heard some talk,
They say you think I’m fine.”
…he’s gonna laugh at me, any second.
“Yes, I’m in love,
And what I’d do to make you mine.”
Mine, mine, mine.
“Tell me now, is it so?
Don't let me be the last to know.”
Oh, fuck, I remember this feeling so well.
“My hands are shaking.
Don't let my heart keep breaking, 'cause…”
I need your love.
“I need your love.”
I want your love.
“I want your love.
Say you're in love,
In love with this guy…”
If I can get this last line out without bawling I’m a happy bunny.
“If not I’ll just…die.”
Stupid song, why did it have to
be this song, I hate this song, I love this song, I would die without
his love. I almost proved that. Spike’s hands slid over his back and Xander
leant into them, head tilting as powerful fingers magically loosened tense
muscles in his neck and shoulders. He
took a sharp breath as Spike’s cool mouth latched on and suckled beneath his
jaw, sliding lower, tongue flicking and lapping, determined to capture every
trace of the inimitable flavour that was his human. The arms tightened around Xander who groaned
happily, feeling possessed and secure and increasingly horny. He felt a delicate scrape of fangs against
his skin and gasped, catching Spike by the upper arms and squeezing hard.
“Please, please,” he
begged, voice breaking with a cascade of emotions. The pressure increased and Xander felt his
knees start to buckle, relying on Spike’s strength to keep him upright
when… The vampire’s fangs gently pierced
his skin, and it was as if his entire being had been penetrated by the
razor-sharp canines: every nerve tingled, every vein throbbed, every inch of
skin became hypersensitive, and it became a question of what would explode
first, his brain or his cock. “Christ,
Spike, yes.” The fangs sank a
little deeper, a cool tongue lapped, and all of Xander’s heightened senses
screamed with pleasure, body shaking from head to toe. Xander protested vigorously as the fangs
withdrew, hand clamping to the back of Spike’s head, vainly attempting to
regain the potent sensation. “Please,”
Xander implored, suddenly too weak to stop the vampire shaking off his hand.
“No more, love,” Spike said between
licks as he took the blood that welled to the surface of the punctures. “More wouldn’t be safe. Don’t want the demon getting the upper hand,
eh?”
“Something. Give me something,” Xander pleaded
hoarsely. “Fuck me? Please, please will you fuck me, Spike?”
The vampire lifted his head,
compassionate eyes fixing on his overwrought lover. Turning them so he could trap Xander between
himself and the counter, he lifted his right wrist and, momentarily dropping
his fangs, sliced precisely into the flesh. The fingers of his left hand threaded into
Xander’s hair and clenched; as the human’s mouth opened in a gasp of pained
surprise Spike forced the gashed wrist between his lips.
“Something.”
Xander balked, tried to break the
grip, free his mouth, tried not to taste or draw or swallow. But the first drops of blood slid down his
throat and a cold white fire rampaged through him, stealing his breath, his
senses, his mind, and once again it was merely Spike’s strength that kept him
upright. Then he was actively tasting
and drawing and swallowing, clutching possessively at the wrist with both hands
while Spike’s mouth returned to the punctures, coaxing just a little more rich
fluid from them.
The wound healed under Xander’s
lips, and he suckled the rapidly disappearing scar. Spike wrenched his arm away and replaced it
with his mouth, tongue dipping deep and coaxing Xander’s to play, the flavours
of their blood mingling and becoming indistinguishable. It was only minutes until Xander was pulling
away, finally figuring out the benefits of breathing and inhaling sharply,
letting the influx of oxygen clear his mind a little.
“Wow,” he said shakily. Spike smiled indulgently. “That was…
What was that?”
“You gave a piece of you. I gave a piece of me,” the vampire told him,
a far too simple description for what had occurred but Xander went with it.
“Weren’t just tempted to kill me
for that song then?”
“There’s nothing wrong with the
song.”
An unexpected shudder went through
Xander and his head spun momentarily.
“I think I have to lie down.”
“Mind if I’m between you and the
mattress?”
“If you don’t mind me passing out
on you.”
“Sounds like I’m on top then. I promise I’ll wake you up for the good bit.”
Spike effortlessly swept Xander
into his arms and carried him up to bed, gently laying him down and unhurriedly
undressing him, taking time to kiss and lick every inch of skin that was bared.
“You’re humming it,” Xander
murmured sleepily as Spike eventually slid into bed beside him.
“Am I? Didn’t realise,” Spike lied.
“Nice to hear it in tune but why
don’t you hate it?”
“Because it came from you. Because I understand. I used to feel like that too, y’know. Don’t think you’ll ever believe that, no
matter how many times I say it, but it is true.”
“I try not to think about it.”
“Why?”
“It reminds me of how much I hurt
you. I can’t believe we – I –
wasted all these years.”
“No. This is right.”
Xander frowned at him.
“What do you mean?”
“I have no idea. But when Patrick said it it made perfect
sense.”
“That happens,” Xander grinned.
Spike began to work his way down
Xander’s body again, speaking between kisses.
“He said… That everything happens… For a reason…
And that five years… Isn’t much
to pay… For the rest of our lives.”
“And we couldn’t have it all?”
“That’s what I said.”
“And he said wha – wha... Oh, oh, ohohohohohhhh.”
“Like that?” Spike smirked.
“Oh…fuck.”
“He didn’t think so.”
“I tru…ust him.”
“Me too.”
“You do?”
Spike reached under the pillow and
pulled out the lubricant.
“Mind if I ride you, Xan? Shame to waste this monolith.”
“Whoa, that feels cold. I feel like I’m on fire. What’s in your blood, pure Habanero?”
“Think that was extreme? If I ever claim you…”
“When.”
“If I ever claim you…”
“You have to.”
“Shut up with the ‘have to’,”
Spike snapped. “It’s bad enough as it is
without…” Ah. Who could withstand the Harris beaten-puppy
look? “Sorry, love.”
“I want you. I want to be a part of you.”
“You are. Look at this, feel this.” Spike took Xander’s hand and placed it over
the claimant’s scar.
“I want one,” Xander pouted, other
hand going to the small punctures on his own neck that would heal without
leaving a mark. At the touch a frisson
of excitement flowed through him. “Oh,
fuck. Do it, will you, Spike? Now?”
Repositioning himself, Spike introduced Xander’s slicked cock into his
body, relishing the protestations of his muscles at this unprepared entry,
groaning with satisfaction as he was filled.
“You’re so cold, it feels… It
feels… Shit, don’t move, if you move
I’ll come.”
“Isn’t that the idea?”
“Not yet. Do I feel hot to you?”
“You always feel hot to me.” Spike slowly rolled his hips, ignoring
Xander’s protests. “No more than
usual. Just hot. My Xander.
So…fucking…hot.”
“What was it like? To bite me?
Don’t stop.”
“If I don’t stop, I’ll come.”
“Isn’t that the idea?”
They exchanged a pointed look.
“Hmm… What was it like to bite you?”
“What was it like?”
“Powerful. Affirming.
Erotic. Liberating.” Spike frowned. “Difficult.”
“Difficult?”
“To stay in control, that’s why I
couldn’t bite harder. I wanted to claim
you, to fuck you, mark you as my own in every way possible.”
“Then do it.”
“You know why I can’t.”
“I knew why you couldn’t. Want to tell me why you’re still using William
as an excuse?”
“Don’t.”
“I was only…”
“Look at me. Xander, look at me.” Xander did.
“What do you think?” Frown. “You think, ‘Must talk about William’, or do
you think, ‘Must fuck the boyfriend’?”
“What do I think? I look at you and think… That you’re amazing, incredible, and I can’t
believe you’re here with me.”
“That’s good.”
“I think… That I don’t deserve you, but that all the
shit in my life must have been payment for this.”
“You earned me?” Spike grinned as
he resumed the slow hip-roll.
“Must have done something right,
sometime. You’re here with me. I get to kiss you, and touch you, and be
inside you. I get to keep you. I don’t deserve you but I have you. And you love me.”
“I love you.”
“And you’ve never loved anybody
like you love me. Lie if necessary but
agree.”
“I don’t have to lie. You’re it, Xander.”
Xander sighed happily.
“Okay. Mortal effectively indulged. Let’s fuck the vampire.”
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