“Get off of there,” Spike instructed, managing to keep his voice down yet allowing it to convey exactly how unimpressed he was to discover this cosy scene.  “Get away from him.”  Angel reluctantly rose and followed Spike into the hallway.  “What do you think you’re doing?  I said keep him company, not bunk down for the night.”

“We were talking, he got sleepy, I didn’t want to leave him alone.”  Spike cocked an eyebrow, looking suitably peeved.  Angel went on the offensive.  “He wants to know what happened to him, Spike.  And I want to know what he knows.”

Spike turned on his heel and headed for the stairs, Angel in pursuit.

“You know what I think about this.”

“Spike, he has a right to know.”

In the kitchen, Spike put two bags of blood into the microwave before turning back to his grand-sire.

“I don’t want Xander to go through what I’ve been through.”

“But Xander’s not you, Spike.  You want to forget, but he needs to remember.”

“I don’t want him hypnotised or analysed or mojoed or whatever it is you’ve got in mind to drag it out of him.  If he remembers in his own good time I’ll help him deal with it, but…”

“If he remembers maybe we’ll be able to kill the men who hurt him.  That was what you wanted, what you were begging for.”

“Then he woke up and I accepted that this isn’t about me.  Or us.  I don’t want him so traumatised he can’t get over this.”

“Xander is one of the bravest people I’ve ever met; don’t turn him into a coward.  Don’t infect him with your fear.”

Angel waited for the expected response, for the warranted viciousness of it after such a statement, but Spike visibly quelled his verbal and physical reactions.  The microwave broke the tense silence with a benevolent ping, and Spike emptied the blood into mugs, thrusting one in Angel’s direction.

“Here.  LA’s a long drive on an empty stomach.”

End of conversation.

Xander roused as Spike’s hands touched his bare flesh.  The fact that he felt nothing other than the yike factor of cold on hot told him that he’d had his medication before being woken.

“On your back?”

“Hey.  Glad you’re here.”

“Me an’ all.  Back, love?”

“Umm…that’d be good, yeah.”

Spike gently repositioned Xander and, long cool drink administered and bodily functions dealt with, was soon naked and by his side.

“You were purring,” Xander smiled.

I was…  Why does he think…  Fucking Angel!

“You must have dreamt it.”

“You were purring.”

“Suit yourself.  I’ll have to have a talk with the doctor and see what exactly is in those drugs.  Can’t have you hallucinating.”

“I was going to talk to him about the drugs anyway.”

“Why?”

“I’m too…out of it”

“You need to be out of it.”

“Not this much: I’m weak, I’m always falling asleep, and things…things don’t work.”

“Ah.  Now I get ya.”  Spike draped himself over Xander, nuzzling his neck.  “Want to be able to fuck your Spike.”

“God, yes!”

“But the strain on your body…”

“Give me more blood.  That’s what’s fixing me, Spike.”

“We’ve had this before: I’m not taking chances.”

“I want you,” Xander whined.

“Soon, pet.”

“Get away from me now then.  If I can’t have anything I’ll be damned if you’re going to get off.”  Spike chuckled and withdrew his aroused body from Xander.  “No, I was wrong, come back here.”  Spike obliged, laying half over Xander, slowing rubbing his erection on his lover’s hip as Xander’s hands caressed him, pulling him into gentle kisses.  “Can’t you fuck me, Spike?  Please?”

“No, love.  Wouldn’t if I could.”

“Tell me why you can’t.”

Because you’re pure and you’re perfect and I won’t let them contaminate you.

“You’re not well enough.”

“That isn’t what I mean and you know it.”  Spike slumped, lying motionless, erection fading fast, trying to drag his mind back from the hellhole Xander had unwittingly sent it to.  “Spike?”

“Am I squashing you?  I’ll…”

He rolled off of Xander and to his own side of the bed, facing away, trying not to breathe with the shock of the memories.

“Spike?”  Xander’s voice was so soft and sweet and caring, it made the images in his head appear all the more obscene.

“Tired.  Sleeping.”  Unclean, undeserving, un-fucking-worthy.

“Come back to me.”  Xander’s hand brushed Spike’s shoulder and he trembled.  Xander, only Xander, always Xander…  “Come on.”  Spike turned quickly and huddled up to Xander.  “It’s okay, sweetheart.  Everything’s okay,” Xander reassured as he stroked and calmed, fingers eventually brushing over Spike’s stomach, downward to coax his cock back to hardness.  Spike’s unconvincing protest was shushed away and Xander’s other hand fondled the vampire’s buttocks, tracing the cleft until Spike didn’t know whether to press forward into one hand or backward into the other.  Fingers pushed between firm cheeks to tease the vampire to the point of respiration.

“Christ, Xander,” Spike gasped.  “Fuck.  Fuck!  Want you in me.”

“We’ll talk to the doctor tomorrow.”

“Yes.”

Xander grinned to himself, satisfied that his point had been made.

“Straddle me.”  Spike did as he was asked.  “Get me the…”  Spike’s hand was into the drawer and fetching Xander the lubricant before Xander had a chance to finish his sentence.  He slicked his fingers and returned his attention to Spike, breaching the ring of muscle with a single fingertip.  “You’re so tight.  Who’s been a good vampire?”

“Oh, yeah.  I’m only for you.”

Xander worked his way into Spike’s body, one finger then two.

“Forward.”  Spike shuffled up over Xander’s chest.  “Relax.”

“I can’t…”

“You’re not going to hurt me.  Just…rest against me.”  Spike did, charily, relieved when Xander’s reaction was to wiggle his fingers rather than groan with pain, and then it was Spike doing the groaning.  Xander stilled his hand.  “Can you rearrange the…”  Once again Spike was ahead of him, pulling across his pillows to supplement Xander’s, angling his partner until what he evidently had in mind was comfortably possible.  Spike waited expectantly for the next instruction.  Xander looked up at him and smiled.  “Do it for me.”  With a rough breath, Spike pushed his cock down and into Xander’s mouth, watching with voyeuristic adoration as Xander’s face expressed his pleasure.  The fingers inside him moved again, making him jump, encouraging him to fuck those beautiful lips. A gentle rhythm established itself, only faltering when Xander pushed fingers from his other hand inside Spike’s body to join those already in place.  Knowing how strong Spike’s reaction would be, Xander stopped sucking and lapping, waiting for his lover to get over the waves of libidinous shudders before resuming his attentions.

Spike was incapable of movement.  The sensations had stripped him of all ability to react, to think beyond the way Xander was finger fucking him, stretching him open and forcing too many but not half enough fingers inside and charging his body with sexual electricity that zapped and sizzled though every inch of him.  Just this side of painful, sweetly threatening, and it was glorious; Spike let himself be a little scared because Xander possessed him and could do whatever he wanted.  Then Xander was licking and teasing and sucking and biting, and fingers were fucking and wriggling and inning and outing and curling and stroking, and thumbs were rolling and squeezing his balls, and all Spike could do was shake with the intensity, grasp the top metal bar of the headboard and peripherally register the creak as his grip left new indentations.

He remained frozen: trapped, clenched, silent as his orgasm gathered and exploded.  This skilful, manipulative human skilfully manipulated it from him, stole it away and delighted in it.  Xander owned him, used him in the purest of ways, caressed him back to the here and now, let the semi-hard cock fall away from his lips so he could whisper of his love.  And he welcomed the vampire back into his arms as he collapsed into a crumpled heap, rocking his body as he’d rocked his world.

…

“Have you…  No, forget it.”

“Have I what?”

“No, I…”

“Have I what?”

“Ever been fisted?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s it like?”

Spike hesitated for a moment.

“Involuntarily, it’s very painful.”

“Ah, fuck, no, not that bastard again.”

That bastard or half-a-dozen soldier boys.  Take Angelus any time: at least he had the right.

“Don’t get all bent outta shape, it was of a time.  Gone, forget it.”

“Right, simple.  Just forget it.  You wait till I see him tomorrow.”

“You won’t.”

“You can’t keep him out of here forever.”

“Can.  And it’s a bleedin’ sight easier when he’s in LA.”

“He’s left?”

“Telling me you mind?”

Xander amazed himself by thinking that over before shaking his head.

“I’m just surprised.  He’s been all accentuated protect-my-family-to-the-death and I thought he was here long-term.”

“We had a little chat.”

Easy to read between the lines; Xander grinned.

“You threw him out.  And after he was so nice to me.  Or maybe because he was so nice to me?”

Not going there.

“Sure you don’t mind?”

“What’s to mind?  He was okay, I’d gotten used to him…”

“But?”

“But…I didn’t like the way he was with you sometimes.  Trying to tell you what to do.”

“That’s the sire in him, he probably can’t help himself.”

“Yes, he can.  Don’t make excuses for him because he can help himself, sire or no sire.  It just never occurs to him to back off and really listen to you.”

“About you?”

“That’s the best example.”

“You think I’ve got it right then?  The way I’ve looked after you?”

“You know I do.  I trust you like I trust no-one else.”  Xander paused, thought.  “Then there’s the other side to it: I wasn’t scared of him, but it was intimidating, the way he was obsessed with getting the people who hurt me.  And at the same time I felt sorry for him.”

“Me too, and you didn’t hear that.”

“Are you going to tell me what the little chat was about?”

“More of the same,” Spike said dismissively and Xander knew that, as far as this conversation was concerned, Angel had left the building.

“Now we get more us time.  Have we been alone here since I got home?”

“Barely.”  An interested smile graced Spike’s face.  “Why were you asking about fisting?  Want to do me?”

“I guess I’m curious about it.  After the way you reacted tonight…”

Spike tingled at the memory.

“Xander, that was…  You sure I’m your first bloke?”

“First bloke,” Xander smiled at the feel of the unfamiliar word.  “First bloke, first vampire.”  He paused awkwardly.  “I don’t want you getting bored with me.”

Spike’s expression declared his surprise.

“You think I’ll get bored with you?”

“Because in no way am I intimidated by you having over a century of sexual experience before I came along.”

“Ah, Xander, don’t think about that because it means nothing.  Here and now it means nothing.”

“That can’t be true.”

“Look, most of that time was spent with Dru and she didn’t always share graciously.  Of course, it was all right for her to fuck Daddy whenever…”

“Tangent,” Xander cut in sharply.

Beat.

“Right.”

“There were others?”

“Yes.  But I meant what I said when I told you this was the best I’ve ever had.  If anything I restrict you, I know there’s stuff you want to try and you can’t with me.”

“That’s…”

“True, Xander.  Just me having to see it’s you all the time restricts what we can do.”

Spike felt the expected tightening of Xander’s grip.

“That’s nothing you can help and I don’t mind that, I like to see your face, I like to see your reactions.  Although,” he grinned, “I think I’d sometimes last a lot longer if I couldn’t.  Like tonight.  Seeing your face tonight.  If I wasn’t dead from the neck down I’d have come just from watching you, I swear.”  Spike felt the tingle again at the reminder, started to get hard.  “You want me to…?”

“Ignore it.”

“That’s hard.  In every sense.”

“I just need to think about something else.  Not us fucking in fifty different positions.  Not what you just did.  Not fisting.”

Xander felt Spike’s physical response to what he was determinedly not thinking about.

“Do you want me to do it to you?”

Spike considered.  Xander would make it feel good, he had no doubt of that, because Xander made everything feel good.  Like tonight, that’d been…stunning.  But Spike knew he’d be vulnerable if it happened, helpless even, and it would mean accepting another example of Xander’s owning, using, claiming.  Fucking perfect or what!  Spike shifted so he could look into Xander’s eyes.

“I belong to you, Xander.  You can do whatever you want to me.”

A slight frown creased Xander’s brow.

“That doesn’t sound good.  I mean, we do belong to each other, that’s a two-way thing, equal, right?”  Nod.  “But I hate to think of you letting me do stuff you didn’t want.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t want.”

“But you implied…”

“No, that’s what you heard.  What I actually said was…I trust you.  Take me, have me, own me.  I’m yours, Xander.”  Spike reached up to smooth out the frown.  “It’s all good with you.”

Xander caught the hand and kissed it.  He remembered what Angel had put Spike’s attitude down to.

“You happy?”

“Not that you’re like this.”

“Apart from this.  Are you happy?”

“I am.”  Spike’s best smile broke out.  “I’m happy.”

“’Cause you’re looking after me?”

“Well, I’m not going to be all ‘A vampire’s gotta do what a vampire’s gotta do’ about it.  Just…feels right.  Feels good.  ‘Sides, gotta get you all well so I can send you back to work and you can keep me in the manner and all that.”

“There’s plenty of money, Spike, I spoke to Pat and he says the insurance…”

“I was joking, Xander.”

“Oh.  Yeah.  Okay.  But don’t you ever worry, you never even think about money,” Xander told him forcefully.

“Love it when you’re masterful,” Spike smirked.

“I’m serious.”

“Me too.”

Xander sighed and gave up.

“You have a good evening?”

Spike nestled back down onto Xander’s chest.

“Nothing special.  Like I said, just needed to get out.”

“Pick up the blood?”  Nod.  “Max okay?”  Nod.  “Any gossip?  Max is pretty good for gossip.”

“You have anything that can track down people without a physical starting point?”

“Tricky one, Spike, my man.  What are you looking for?”

“You know Xander was hurt?”

“Your…  What we pretending here?  Your cousin, was it?”

“Grandpa,” Spike elucidated with a smirk.

Accepted without hesitation.

“Well, your grandpa told me about Al…Xander, and I been keeping my eyes sharp and my ears keen.”

“And?”

Now Max hesitated, fingers raking habitually through the hedge of beard.

“I worry for you.  The both of you.  There’s a nest o’ vamps here and they know there’s a Master in town.  They know the Master has a Consort, a human Consort, and they’re gettin’ curious.”

“They can be as curious as they soddin’-well like, it’s not going to get them anywhere.”  Spike performed a mental double-take.  “You think they went after Xander?”

“If they did he’d be a whole lot deader.  Consort.  They’d’a grabbed him and turned him.”

The intense upset must’ve shown on Spike’s face; Max dragged out a massive journal from beneath the counter and distracted himself, giving Spike time to regroup.

“If we had as much as a hair we could find the guys,” Max told Spike as he scanned page after page of tiny handwriting.  “The site may’ve done it for us if we’d got there soon enough after it happened.”

Spike cleared his throat, angry inner voice demanding he act a lot bigger and badder.  Oh, sure.

“Wasn’t an option.”

“I gathered.  Grandpa.  Few words but to the point.”  Max slammed the book shut.  “It’s too late, man.  Without the physical…”

“Yeah.  Yeah, I know.”  Exactly what Willow had said.  “Got my blood, mate?”

Max took the cooler out back to fill it up; Spike followed.

“You do this for Xander?  Live on this instead of going to source?”

“Something like that.”

“He more’n a Consort?” Max asked quietly.

“Something like that,” Spike repeated with a smile.

The man’s kind face clouded over.

“You be careful, Spike.  Those local vamps.  Gonna want to try themselves out against a Master.  Someone special as Xander’s gonna make you vulnerable.  They’ll be able to tell.  You be careful.”

“Nah, no gossip.  I didn’t stop for long, anyway.”

“Then what?”

“Got your prescription.”

“Any problems?”

“No problems.”

Except for the mall being full of humans.  Got there as late as I could and there were still fucking humans swarming about like a god-given curse.  I forgot about the bar and the restaurant in there, clientele stuffed and tanked up and happy; talking to strangers.  I was fast, moving fast so they didn’t look twice at me, but waiting for your drugs I didn’t have a choice, did I?  Woman serving was bright and chatty and I must’ve come over as the biggest wanker she’d ever met, couldn’t get two words out.  I’m so weak.  You must be ashamed of me.  I know you’d never say but you must be.  She saw, that woman, she saw, and she asked me if I was okay and I blurted something out about being worried and needing to get back because you were in pain and she was so.  Fucking.  Nice.  Bumped me up the queue.  Let me get out of there and I ran, didn’t stop until I was locked in the Jag.  Pathetic.  So sorry, love.  You deserve better.  So sorry.

“And you drove?”

“Mmm.”

“Where d’you go?”

“Just around.  Nowhere special.”

“Wish I’d been with you.”

Spike turned his head and kissed Xander’s neck.

“Me too.”

Stopped at our place – back-seat copse – and sat for a while before realising it was too dark for me to get out of the car.  I’d wanted a few minutes looking at the sky through the branches, like we did just after Christmas when you had me in the back of the Merc and afterwards we got out the car and laid on the bonnet and stared at the stars.  But I couldn’t get out of the car alone.  And I s’pose it all came out then.  All the stuff I’ve kept inside for the past months.  You wouldn’t have known what to do with me, screaming and crying.  Raging.  So mad I was almost fitting.

Did me good, though, and I feel better for it.  Better enough not to break fucking Angel’s fucking neck when he chose to call me a coward.  I’m not.  Not over that.  Not wanting you to remember is about loving you.  Protecting you.  Because knowing is hard and, God help me, I wish I could forget what happened to me.  But…  It brought me to you.  If, one year ago, someone had said to me, ‘Okay, for six months of torture you can have Xander for a lifetime,’ I’d have said yes, took the pain, had you.  Is that how I should look at it?  Learn to live with the memories and all that shit because…

“I love you, Xander.”

“I know.  Thank you.  Love you too, sweetheart.”

…and that makes it all worthwhile?

“I love you, Spike.  For always.”

Yes.

That makes it all worthwhile.

Repossession 56       Repossession Index       Repossession Notes

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