Spike paced frantically, watching Xander’s meandering path around the garden, so far out of reach should anything go wrong.  Expletives ripped through the air as Xander stumbled, but it obviously bothered Spike more than Xander, who simply continued his ambling progress.

“You just wait.  You wait till you get back in here, you insensitive shit.  The minute I know you’re perfectly fine, I’m gonna kill you.”

For the moment Xander was too preoccupied to think about the vampire freaking out a couple of hundred yards from him.  Feel bad but I don’t know why.  It’s not about them, I’m not going to start fooling myself that there would ever have been some great reunion, that they’d ever find themselves able to love me.  Like me, even.  And I couldn’t love them.  Not now I know how it’s really supposed to feel: loving, being loved.  Don’t have that in me for them.  Just…feel bad.  Beat up all over again.  Out of the corner of his eye he could see Spike prowling about, getting mad at him.  Xander smiled to himself.  I shouldn’t be out here, where he can’t keep me safe.  Bet he hates me right now.  That’s love.  The smile gave way to a frown.  What if it is me, somehow it is me?  If I’m not safe for him?  If he had to go through that because of me?  All I want is for him to be safe, for my friends to be safe.  What if it is me and Spike isn’t…  Jesus, I feel like crap, I’m going to pass out if I stay on my feet.  Hurt myself, wonder what I did.  Xander deliberately looked toward Spike, knowing he’d be waved back to the house and it would give him a good excuse to go in.  Hey, look.  One furious vampire.  Know a better reason for going home?

No welcoming hug as Xander stepped into the conservatory.

“You bastard!  You absolute bastard!  Want me to feel useless?  Well, you got what you fucking-well wanted!”

“Hold me.”

“Don’t want to hold you, I want to punch your selfish face in.”

“C’mon, quick, hold me while I’m hot from the sun, you’ll love it.”

Spike grabbed Xander and hauled him close, using too much strength and making him grunt painfully, but Xander was hot and inside and safe and Spike wanted to crush him into something that could be kept in his pocket and away from danger.

“Don’t do that again, love,” he pleaded.

“Sorry.”

“Not while you’re so weak.  Have to be sensible while you’re like this.”

“Sorry.”

“Oh, God, Xander, you scare me.”  Spike buried his face in Xander’s neck.  “You can be such a fool, a reckless fool, and you terrify me.”

“I’m not reckless.  I grew up in Sunnydale, if I was reckless I’d be dead.  Or undead.”

“Have you ever, ever been so scared your fear makes you stop?  All the time I’ve known you you’ve been announcing how scared you are but there you go, weighing in, up to your big ears…”

“Not the ears.”

“Love your ears,” Spike placated, licking his way along a smooth helix before sucking an earlobe.

“Sit me down before I fall down.”

With a frustrated growl, Spike lifted Xander and took him through to the kitchen, gently placing him on one of the chairs at the table.

“You’re eating, then you’re back to bed and staying there until I say you can put a foot on the floor again.”

Xander was smart enough not to argue.  As Spike cooked in silence, he sat and catalogued the dulling down of his senses as he felt himself sinking further into a stupor.

“Spike…”

“What?”

“You drugged me.”

“After you’d passed out with the pain.  Necessity, Xander.”

“I’m numb.”

“That’s shock, not medication.”

“Is it?  Oh.”

Xander stared blankly at the table’s smooth surface, tracing Spike’s name where he’d written it in blood weeks before.  He barely noticed when a plateful of food was placed in front of him.

“Eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You eat by choice or I force it into you, and don’t think I won’t.”  Spike pushed a fork into Xander’s hand and guided it.  “Eat.  All those drugs will start you chucking up if you don’t have something.  And you might as well have something to chuck if it’s too late to stop it.”

“You think I’ll feel something?  About them?  Because, where they’re concerned, the only thing I feel bad about is that I don’t feel bad.”

“You’ll feel something.  But don’t suffer for the sake of suffering.  They don’t deserve it.  Don’t give them one last victory.”

Xander ate, not tasting anything, just doing what he’d been ordered to and ignoring the ebb and flow of nausea.  When he was finished he looked to Spike, waiting to be told what next.  Spike just took the plate away with a strained smile.

“You pissed with me right now?”

Plate in the sink and Spike turned, leaning back against the edge of the counter, trying to appear relaxed and carefree and who was he kidding?

“You scared me.”

“Sorry.”

“Say that once more and I’ll give you such a wallop.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“But you didn’t think.”

“I was okay, wasn’t I?”

“You didn’t think of me, Xander.  Whether it suits you or not, you have to think of me.”

“I…  No, you’re right.  I didn’t.”

“Tell me now.  You want me to go?”  Shake of the head.  “Why?  Because I’m convenient?  Because I’m looking after you?  You have friends who’d be happy to do that if you want me out of here.”

“I don’t want you to go anywhere.”

“But you were telling me to leave.  Lumping me in with everyone else and rejecting me.  I won’t have that.”

“You’re not the only one who gets scared,” Xander said quietly.

Spike sat beside Xander, took his hand and stroked.

“Okay.  Okay.  Bad things have happened.  But when it was me it was nothing to do with you.  You got set on, and even that was more about me than you.”

“No.”

“It wasn’t my fault, I’m not saying my fault.  But if it was because you’re fucking a bloke then it is about me ‘cause I’m the one who turned up and got fucked and made you go public.”

“You didn’t make me…”

“Stop splitting hairs, you know what I’m saying.”  Xander reluctantly nodded.  “Right, the stuff that’s felt so bad in between was you and me being pig-headed or jealous or just plain stupid.  No great evil plan there, just our usual prat-fall lifestyle.  Accept that?”  Pause.  Nod.  “As for your folks, I know it’s not what you want to hear, but them dying horribly isn’t so much creepy mojo as natural justice.”

“It feels like my fault.”

“Then I’m going with credit where credit’s due and congratulations for a job well done.”

“You would say that,” Xander muttered tersely.

“Because I’m a vampire?  Because I’m supposed to be evil?  Well, let me get William here, and he’ll tell you exactly the same thing but you’ll just get it all lah-dee-dahed up.”

“It was me.  Somehow I caused that.”

“Fuck me, Xander!” Spike exclaimed irritably, back on his feet.  “Paranoid illusions of importance!  Get a fucking grip, man.  It was a storm.  Check it out: the whole country had storms.  It was the weather.”

“Don’t shout at me,” Xander requested flatly.

“I wasn’t…”  Spike stopped shouting.  Dropped his voice.  “I’m not shouting now.”

“I have to go up.  These drugs…I’m passing out.”

“Let me…”

“I want to do it myself.”

Xander leant on the table and levered himself to his feet.

“Come on, love, take me a couple of seconds to get you upstairs.”

“I can do this.  Really.  Let me.”

Spike followed Xander into the hall, feeling an ache deep in his chest as he watched his partner hanging onto the banister and taking forever to struggle up the stairs, weary and shaking but as obstinate as ever.

…

When Xander woke later he looked to his side to find Spike lying there watching him.  Xander returned the gaze, soaking up the guileless affection in the clear blue eyes.

“Want to fight?” Xander asked.

Spike smiled.

“No.”

Xander smiled too.

“Good.”

“How you feeling?”

Xander thought about it.

“Not sure.”

“You upset?”

“No.”

“You angry?”

“Kind of.”

“Scared?”

Nod.

“Feel…vulnerable.  Like I can’t protect myself.  Or you.”  Pause.  “It’s been good for me, thinking I can protect you.  Now…”

“Come off it, mate, if you can burn down houses without even thinking about it, I reckon we’re pretty well protected.”  Xander groaned.  “What’s wrong?  Slept on it and realised what an arse you’ve been all day?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You still think there’s something?”

“Whatever I think, I know I should have kept my mouth shut about it.”

“Got us some alone time, though.  Just you and me here for once.”

“So you drug me up and make me impotent.  Great move, baby.”

“One dose won’t do that, it’s the accumulative effect.  Anyway, there’s more to us being alone than fucking.”

“Yeah?” Xander grinned.  “Sometimes I wonder.”

“I know you do.  But being with you is…special.  Whatever we’re doing.  I just like to be with you.  We’ve had evenings when there hasn’t been a word between us for hours: you on your paperwork, me drawing, reading.  It hasn’t mattered.  Being with you is enough.”

“Thank you.”

“Nah, don’t thank me.  I’m not feeling like that as a favour, am I?  Don’t thank me.”

“How about thanking you for loving me despite being ignored for two months solid?  Can I thank you for that?”

“If you like.  But I know about your work, what it means to you.  Circumstances changed.  It had to come first and I accepted that, no big deal.”

“Jesus, you know how to make a guy feel bad.  Your evilness is wholly intact.”  Spike gave a snicker.  “I promise it won’t happen again.  In future I will always make time for you.”

“Whatever.”

“You won’t even let me promise?  How mean is that?”

“But it’s nothing to do with me, it’s just to make you feel better.”

“So?  Walking…er…laying wounded here.  Making me feel better has to be order of the day.”

Spike reached across and ran his hand over Xander’s side.

“Hurting?”  Xander shook his head and Spike scooted over, draping himself over his human, creaking happily as Xander’s arms automatically went around him and the warmth seeped through.

“Can I ask you something, Spike?”

“Mmm.”

“About your work?”

“Mmm.”

“You never told me anything about it.  The work or the money…  I went through your desk,” Xander confessed.  “I went through everything.”

“I know you did.  It’s okay, love.  No secrets from you.”  Not that kind at least.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t share it.”

“I would have.  When you had time.”

“You have your own account,” Xander ventured cautiously, fighting the urge to whine about wanting to financially support Spike and spoil him at every opportunity.

“Yeah.  You know what that’s for?  I want to be able to buy you stuff.  Comes around to Christmas and I won’t be spending your money on you, I’ll be spending my money.  It was meant to be a surprise but you’re such a nosy bugger, aren’t you?”

“You know what though?  Beyond what I’ve got, there’s nothing I want, certainly nothing that can be bought.”

Spike thought, knew exactly what Xander was saying.

“I understand that.”

“You’re not going to argue?”

“No, I get it totally.  Got what matters and buy the rest as we go, don’t we?”

Spike ran his fingers over Xander’s wrist, tracing the line where the bracelet had sat.

“I know,” Xander said softly.  “Can you replace that?”

A deep breath forced down Spike’s anger.

“Of course I can.”

“Exactly the same?”  Nod.  “Same statement,” Xander smiled before burying his face in Spike’s hair and kissing.  “Because Xander belongs to Spike, more than ever.”

An hour’s doze and they picked up where they’d left off.

“We’ll spend it on other people.  Get the girls something special…”

“Oh, yeah, know what those three need.”

“I know I’m going to regret this but…”

“We’ll buy ‘em a whacking great vibrator each.”

“Fuck, I knew it!”

“Maybe I could find somewhere to make Dawn a blow-up Xander.  A perfect replica that she could drool over in case that boy of hers has a prick like a pencil.”

“You know why this scares me?  Because nothing is beyond you.”

“I’ll have to ask her.”

“What?”

“About her bloke’s attributes.”

“You can’t do that!”

“She did,” Spike protested.

“She…  I don’t want to know.”

“She asked, so I showed her some of the pictures, drew your cock, to scale, from memory…”

“If you’re not joking…”

“Your face!  Course I’m joking.  I don’t share and you know it.  Most I ever did was say that my state of contentment was not due to a big house and a fancy car.”

“That’s…okay.  I guess.”

“More like a big cock and a fancy technique.”

“Rapidlychangingthesubject: Dawn’s fine, Willow’s fine, Buffy’s fine.”

“What makes you think Red’s fine?”

“She and Oz…”

“All over.  Again.”

“When did that happen?”

“Before you got bashed.  She said she’d told you at the hospital.”

“Oh, fine, she couldn’t have waited until I was conscious?”

“Probably knew what you’d say.”

“Did you say it for me?”

“I wasn’t sympathetic, would you have been sympathetic?”

“I…”  Xander sighed.  “I don’t know.  I guess I would.  I don’t know.  How can I criticise her for not moving on?  Could I?  Did I?”

“You would have.  If you’d seen me die you would have.”

“Fuck.”  Xander reacted with a shudder, holding Spike tighter.  “Fucking hell.”

“This isn’t about the witch, she was over that one years ago.  She’s a coward, afraid to take another chance.”

“Fucking hell.”

“We used to have this conversation a lot.  I’d tell her to take a chance, she’d say she didn’t want to risk getting involved then being left alone, I’d say she was alone anyway so what’s the difference, she’d say I wouldn’t understand and I’d laugh in her face because if anyone understood it was me.”  Spike remembered Xander’s guilt and tried to get back on track.  “At least he got to dump her this time,” Spike continued, ignoring Xander’s emotional shifts.  “Normally she freezes him out but he didn’t wait around for it.  No rows, he just took off.  Can’t blame him.”  Spike wriggled, loosening Xander’s hold.  He needed something diversionary…  “Bit of a waste.  Letting Oz go.”

“A waste?”  No, he can’t mean…  “Right, he’s a nice guy.”

“And that.”

“Do you mean…?”

“Well…Oz.  Wouldn’t you?”

“You’d…what?”

“Is that a no?”

“You’d do Oz?”

“Like I say, wouldn’t you?  Time and place and all that.”

“He’s…he’s my friend,” Xander objected.

“I was your friend.”

“You were never just my friend.”

“Stop avoiding the issue.”

“Okay.  You and Oz.”

“No, not me and Oz, that makes it sound like something happened and it didn’t.  Anyway, I was asking you.”

“No, then.  No, not Oz.”

“Who then?”

“No-one,” Xander protested.  “You, and that’s it.  You.”

“How about…”

“No!”

“’Kay, calm down.  I’m only playing.  You never used to be so uptight.”

“You look at other people like that?  You want other people?  Seriously?”

“Xander, no, I was playing.”

“What about those women you have here?”

“What about them?”

“I saw the sketches, I saw the way they looked at you.”

“Come off it, those pictures are for their blokes, I make ‘em look that way.”

“Are you telling me not one of them was interested?  Not one of them made a pass?”  Spike hesitated.  “You see, they did!  And you weren’t going to tell me.”

“Don’t get…”

“Jealous?  Don’t get jealous?”

Xander awkwardly pushed Spike away and sat up, taking a sharp breath as he swung his legs off of the bed.

“Be careful, love.”

“I’m never around and you have all these women in here making passes at you and I’m not supposed to be jealous?”  Big sigh from Spike.  “You take them up on their offers?”

“No.  Why would I want to do that?”

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“Because, you daft sod, I have exactly what I want and I won’t risk losing it.”  A quick movement and Spike was beside Xander.  “You know I only want you.”

“But I don’t know why,” Xander admitted, painfully, quietly.  “I don’t understand.”

“You don’t have to.  What you do is trust me, Xander.  Love me and trust me.”  Unable to meet Spike’s eyes, Xander gave the briefest nod.  Unconvinced.  Spike stroked his back, feeling the tension in the muscles.  “Shall I tell you a bit about it?  My work?”

“You don’t have to.”

“First off, I want to state the obvious.  If I had anything to hide, I wouldn’t have left any evidence, would I?  If I was fucking around but wanted to hang onto you and all this I would’ve made sure you never suspected a thing.  Right?”

“Right,” Xander repeated, still subdued.

“Okay.  Women love the gay and harmless thing, they like to feel relaxed with a man, unthreatened.  Loosens up their inhibitions and they start to talk, and I might not be interested but I come over as a good listener and everyone likes to be listened to, everyone’s flattered if someone listens.  Then there’s me telling them to think the kind of thoughts they want their blokes to see in the finished results, and maybe they get a bit carried away.  Not many, it’s not like it happens all the time.”

“What do you do?”

“Put them off.  Try and do it kindly ‘cause I want their money.  I’ve had the, ‘See anything you like?’  I always point to a picture of you and say, ‘Yeah, him’.”

“I saw the pictures, Spike.  Some of those women are so beautiful and they’re barely dressed.  You must be tempted.”

“I look and see the beauty, I’m not blind, I’m not asexual, I see a good body and sometimes I react to it.  But it’s superficial.  It’s no more than a bird or bloke flashing everything on the telly, and don’t tell me you never start getting hard when you see something you like.  It’s a momentary reaction, then I get into what I’m doing and they become…objects.”

“Objects that make passes.”

“I’ve also had the, ‘You may think you’re gay but you just need one good woman to convert you’.  That’s always a laugh.”

“What do you say to that?”

“That I started out with good women and it drove me to Xander.”  Xander couldn’t help the chuckle at that, and Spike moved closer, kissed his neck.  “Only you, love.  Darling.”  Another chuckle from Xander; the kisses multiplied, became softer, more seductive.  As did the voice.  “My darling.  My precious Xander.  No-one’s as beautiful as you.  No-one makes me feel like you do.”

“How do you feel?”

Spike took Xander’s hand and pressed it to his groin.

“I only get this hard for you.  Feel?  This is being close to you, the scent of you.  I don’t need you posing and pouting and giving it all you’ve got.”  Spike stopped Xander’s fumbles at the buttons.  “Not now.”

“Why not now?”

“You’re weak and sore.  Show a bit of common, eh?”  Xander sighed, reluctantly nodded, let himself be manoeuvred back onto the bed.  Spike joined him but kept a bit of distance between them, holding Xander’s hand to stop it wandering.  “Want to know my favourite pictures, the ones that really do it for me?”  Nod.  “There’s a whole series of you.  Naked.  Hard.  Coming.”

“I saw them.”

“You like them?”

“I don’t know.  It was…me.”

“Got so fucking horny drawing them, must be as much spunk on those pages as ink.”

“I wondered about that.”

“The one with the mirror – I want to paint that, but you won’t let me hang it, right?”

Xander thought of the sketch, grinned.

“You’re not kidding.  No-one else gets to see that.”

“But it’s…”  Spike didn’t have the words.  To him the picture was so far beyond erotic it melted his brain.  “Maybe you’re right.  Wouldn’t ever get past it without stopping for a wank.”

“You going to miss not having another woman until…until after me?”

“Don’t, don’t, don’t,” Spike protested, turning and clinging to Xander.  “Can’t think of losing you, not after…”

“Sorry,” Xander whispered, reciprocating the embrace.

“I can’t face it.  Don’t make me face it.”

“No, I’m sorry, I won’t mention it again, I’m sorry.”

“You weren’t here,” Spike said hoarsely, squirming closer and pressing his face into Xander’s neck.  “You left me.”

Left him?  Now or then?  Coma or cowardice?  And how could I have forgotten?  How could I have forgotten how traumatised he is?  I make him breathe.  He shouldn’t breathe out of fear; breathing should be about coming so hard he forgets to not breathe.

“I didn’t mean to leave you,” Xander assured him, opting for coma.  “Stop thinking about it.  Think about the pictures, think about the mirror picture, think about what we’re going to do when I’m well enough.  It’ll be like last night, and wasn’t last night great?  We’re great.  Together we’re great.”  Nod.  “Think about us together because we’ve got a lot of together ahead of us.”

“I’ve been so frightened, Xander,” Spike admitted in a whisper.  “I’m still frightened.  There always seems to be something to be frightened of.”

“You may have been frightened but you’ve been strong enough to cope with all of this, and that’s a special kind of strength.  Now…  I’m here, getting better.  We’re surrounded by people who love us and…  Oh, shit, they went home, I sent them home.”  Nod.  “Looking at major grovelling here.”

“You don’t grovel to anyone,” Spike insisted roughly, lifting his head slightly.

“Think I should go with the insanity defence?”

“No grovelling.  You don’t have to explain yourself.”

“I think…  I think you think there’s something to it.”

“To what?”

“The me factor.”

“No,” Spike unconvincingly rejected the suggestion, snuggling back into Xander so his face couldn’t give anything away.  “There’s nothing for you to feel bad about.”

“So you won’t admit there may be a connection while you think I’m suffering for it?”  No response.  “Okay.”  Pause.  “You feel cheated?”

They both knew exactly what Xander was referring to and Spike nodded.

“I wanted them.  I wanted the pleasure of destroying them.  I wanted to present you with their hearts.”

“This is better.  They’re gone and you don’t have to be responsible.”

“But I…”

“I’m not sure how I’d’ve been if you’d done it.  I know I said you could, but this is better.  This isn’t taking chances.”

“You want to go home for the funeral?”

Xander considered.

“I have to, don’t I?”

“Do you?”

“Then it’s over.  That part of my life is over and I never have to look back.”

“I don’t think you’re well enough to be travelling that kind of distance.”

“And once I’ve done this, going back to Sunnydale might be easier.”

“It’d be funny if it wasn’t so tragic.”

“What?”

“That two worthless humans achieved what all those demons couldn’t.”

Spike growled irritably as the phone rang.

“Grab that for me.”

“You don’t have to…”

“No, I want to.”  Spike knelt up and snatched the handset off the cabinet, passing it grudgingly to Xander.  “Hey, Pat…”

Spike fell back onto his side of the bed and stretched, deciding against pursuing yet again the train of thought that questioned how Xander knew it was Patrick without being told.  Still, can’t have Xander and expect life to be normal.

“…and I hear you, but…  …  Yeah, that’s just what Spike said.”  Xander turned to Spike.  “Pat says I’m not well enough to travel.”

“Gonna listen to him?”

Xander held the phone against his chest for a few minutes as he thought.  Spike casually wondered if Patrick could hear Xander’s heart beating.  Then the receiver went back to Xander’s ear.

“You’re both right.  And maybe it’d be more than they deserve anyway.  …  No, I’ll talk to Willow, make sure no-one goes…”

Spike rolled to the edge of the bed and sat up, relieved that Xander had been talked around.  He’d given in so easily it was patently obvious he didn’t want to go.  And he sounded brighter now.  Glancing back, Spike saw the colour was returning to Xander’s cheeks, that his eyes seemed clearer.  Shame such positive signs indicated that the medication was wearing off.  Another half-hour, hour if Xander was fortunate, and the pain would be back and Spike would be the bad guy filling him with drugs he hated.  Okay, he’d already said they shouldn’t, but if Xander’d only had one shot, and there was no accumulative effect as yet, and…  Well, sod it!

Spike stood and strolled around the bed, catching Xander’s eye and holding his attention with a smile full of promise.  Xander watched keenly, trying to concentrate on what Patrick was saying as Spike began to strip.  Slowly.  Temptingly.  Running hands over pale flesh…  Mine.  …and pinching pale brown nipples until they pebbled…  Mine.  …and sliding jeans down to reveal…  Mine, mine, mine.  …rigid perfection.  Spike touched and Xander wanted to touch too, reaching out a hand and feeling every measured step as Spike walked his cock into it.  A groan of satisfaction and he realised too late he was still on the phone.

“No, just sore and I moved awkwardly.”

An unsympathetically cheeky grin before eager blue eyes focused on the swelling in Xander’s sweat pants; the fist around Spike’s cock squeezed and the resultant tremor somehow managed to find its way through the vampire and to Xander’s growing erection.  Spike brought a hand up adjacent to his face, clicking his fingers until Xander looked up and focused.

“Fuck me,” Spike silently mouthed.

And I can, thank God.  I can and I want and I can and I will and pain, what pain?

“Sorry, Pat, gotta go.  …  I’m okay, really.  Something just…came up.”

Repossession 62       Repossession Index       Repossession Notes

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