SECRETS AND
SACRIFICES II
by
Edibbea
Notes
"My choice." Xander spat the words at Angelus.
"What sort of choice is that?"
"The only choice you have. Whether you
were fully aware of the consequences of bonding with a vampire or not, Xander,
you did it of your own free will. Normally that's the end of it. I'm offering
you a final get out of jail free card, and only because the soul is insisting
that I do." Angelus morphed into game face. "Take a good look, Xander. I'm a
demon. Spike's a demon. This will be the face that you won't be able to see when
you look in a mirror a few years from now, if we perform the ritual today; or a
few days from now if we don't. You will be a vampire. Denying, avoiding and
sidestepping the issue won't make it go away. The only way to do that is to dust
Spike. This. Is. Real. This will happen. To you. So choose," said Angelus, the
familiar human features slipping back into place.
There was never really
any doubt in either of their minds as to what the decision would
be.
*****
Xander had sat, silent, pale and still as a statue, for
a good five minutes before he had thrown the coffee mug he was fiddling with
across the room. He then leapt to his feet and began pacing back and forth,
ranting at Angelus. "Wonderful. Just. Wonderful. My life just gets better and
better. You kill Spike, or Spike kills me, or we do the ritual, and...Spike
kills me, just not for a while. But hey, I don't stay dead, and I get a whole
new look."
"Xander -"
"No. No, it's ok. Just...just trying to sort
it out in my head, y'know? I mean, I know it's gonna happen. I agreed to it, for
God's sake. It's just that...it didn't seem real, not really, not until... Not
until he nearly did it, and it frightened the crap out of me. But I need him,
and if that's the price, then I'll pay it. I mean, I'm not exactly thrilled at
the idea, you know, but if you seriously believe for one second that I would let
you -"
"Xander!" Angelus grabbed the boy's arm, cutting off the torrent
of words as Xander stopped dead in his tracks and glared at him. "No, I really
didn't think you would choose to break your bond with Spike by having him
dusted. But I had to give you the choice. Now will you shut up and sit down?
We've got a lot to discuss." Xander nodded jerkily and slumped into the nearest
chair.
"Thank you. I didn't want to have to kill him either, Xander,"
said Angelus mildly.
Xander looked surprised. "But you hate each other.
Don't you?"
"The soul hates the fact that I made him, moulded him into
what he is. And Spike hates the fact that I can't, or won't be his Sire any
more." Angelus sighed. "I can't be what he wants me to be, and it makes him
angry, but there's nothing I can do about that." Angelus stared at his clasped
hands for a moment, then raised his eyes to Xander's. "But I can do this for him
- for both of you. I'll make the ritual as easy as I can for you,
Xander."
Angelus got up and walked over to one of the cupboards. Brought
out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses, and poured a drink for each of them.
Handing one to Xander, he said, "Here, you look like you could do with this.
I'll assume you know nothing about the ritual, okay?"
Xander nodded. He
wasn't going to argue. Spike had told him little enough, and Xander had
basically discounted it, assuming it was never going to happen. He should have
known better. He took a mouthful of whiskey, gasping as it burnt on the way
down. Angelus placed the bottle on the table between them and sat down again. He
sipped his whiskey thoughtfully for a few moments, then began to
speak.
"While it's not unusual for vampires to take a human as a pet,
it's fairly rare that we will take one as a Consort. Demons are very status
conscious, and taking what basically amounts to a food source as a mate isn't
something that's done on a whim. And the vampire's Sire, or an older Master in
their place, must be willing to accept the human as their Childe and offer their
protection. Until this is done, the mating bond isn't complete. Do you
understand?" At Xander's jerky nod, he continued, "And the way we do this is by
performing the Admittance Ritual. At the end of the ritual I will have accepted
you as Childe, you will have accepted my authority as your Sire, and you will be
part of the Aurelius clan. The ritual will be as simple as it can be. You will
be naked and your hands will be bound. Spike will offer you to me, and I will
accept you. I will take you and mark you with my scent. I will then drink from
you, putting my claim mark on you, and you will drink from me, accepting my
claim. I will then give you back to Spike, say the words, and Spike will take
you home."
Xander finished his whiskey in one swallow and reached for the
bottle, filling his glass again. He raised the glass to his lips with a shaky
hand and took another long swallow.
"When you say, take me, you mean..."
his voice trailed off as he bit his bottom lip.
"Has anyone other than
Spike ever taken you that way?"
"No."
"Can you do
this?"
"Don't have much choice, do I?"
"No, not really. The ritual
demands it. Xander..."
Xander sighed heavily. "Yeah. Yeah, I can do this.
It's just sex and biting, not like I'm not used to it." Angelus studied Xander's
face for a moment. Xander wasn't sure what he was looking for, but he seemed to
find it, because he nodded and relaxed slightly.
"We've got about an hour
until sunset, Xander. You should eat something, then I'll show you that
meditation technique. You'll find it useful." Xander was feeling a little
lightheaded after drinking on an empty stomach, and figured food would be of the
good right now.
"Yeah, sure. You got anything in that fridge that doesn't
come from the blood bank?"
"I was going to suggest take
out."
"Sounds good to me."
****
Just after sunset, Xander
told Angelus that he'd like to wait upstairs in the office so that he could talk
to Spike on his own for a bit before bringing him down. Xander had just unlocked
the door and was heading over to grab a magazine when he was spun around and
enveloped in a hug.
"Xan, I was so worried about you. Don't you ever pull
shit like this again, you hear me? What on earth possessed you to come here
without me? What did he do to you? I'll kill him if he hurt
you..."
"Spike. Listen, shhh, listen," said Xander, rubbing his hand in
soothing circles over his mate's back. "I'm fine. I'm fine. I know I shouldn't
have come on my own, I'm not sure why I did...but I'm fine, really." Spike
pulled away, held Xander at arm's length, looking him over carefully.
"I
can smell him all over you, pet. I could feel him..." Spike sighed. "What did he
do to you?"
"Nothing. Well, nothing much. It was no big deal, Spike. And
we've been talking, you know. He's been telling me stuff, about us, and the
demon, and Sires and Childer and the ritual... Spike, what are you doing?" Spike
had taken Xander's arm and was pulling him towards the main
entrance.
"I'm taking you back to the hotel, pet." Xander dug his heels
in and pulled Spike back towards him.
"Spike, I can't go back to the
hotel yet, and neither can you. You have to talk to Angelus..."
"Yeah,
and I will, once you're safely back in the hotel."
"Spike! Will you shut
up and listen to me? Please? We can't leave yet. We have to stay. Angelus is...
He's sort of in control at the moment. The soul's still there, just not in the
driving seat. Something about blood magick, he said. Because we have to perform
the Admittance ritual. Anyway, that's what's wrong with you." Spike's hand
dropped to his side and he took a step back, staring at Xander in shock. Then he
shook his head. "Bugger it. Should have bloody well known..." He sighed. Wrapped
his arms around Xander and pulled him in for a long, slow kiss.
"I love
you, Xander." Xander's breath hitched and he held onto Spike tightly, nuzzling
his neck, breathing in the scent of his mate.
"I'm so sorry, love. I know
you don't want to do this. I wish there were some way out of it."
"There
isn't, Spike," Xander mumbled into his neck.
"I know. Right, well.
Better go see him then." Spike pulled away slightly, kissed Xander again, then
stepped back and took his hand. "Xan, him and me have got some things to say to
one another. Just keep out of it, love, okay?" At Xander's nod, they headed
downstairs.
*****
Spike followed Xander into the kitchen, to find
Angelus standing by the kitchen table. Xander walked over and sat down at the
table, and watched Spike and Angelus as they stood, staring at each other.
Angelus walked slowly towards Spike, then suddenly punched him in the stomach,
sending Spike flying across the room. Xander jumped up as Angelus stalked across
to Spike and hauled him to his feet, only to sit down again as Angelus wrapped
his arms around Spike and hugged him tightly.
"That was for not having
the courtesy to torture me yourself. Quite aside from the insult that I felt,
never, ever trust someone else to do that sort of thing for you. I thought I
taught you better than that. You knew the soul would never allow me to return
the ring willingly, but you might have done better if you'd done it yourself."
Spike pulled away, walked towards Xander, and then turned back to
Angelus.
"But it wasn't you, was it? It hasn't bloody been you for almost
a hundred years, Angelus! And when you actually managed to get rid of the soul,
when I actually thought my Sire had come back, you were a fucking psycho! You
made Dru look sane, for fuck's sake. So don't tell me what I should or shouldn't
bloody do! You're never bloody there when I need you, you
wanker."
Angelus took a step towards Spike, then stopped. "I know. I'm
sorry, Will. Not like I had a lot of choice. I've missed you."
Spike
sighed, shoved his hands deep into his duster pockets, stared at the floor for a
moment then raised his head. "Yeah. Yeah, I know." Sire and Childe just stood,
looking at each for long moments. Then Spike seemed to shake himself out of
whatever was holding them frozen. "Right then. Xan tells me we've got a ritual
that needs performing. Wanna tell me about it? You can pour me a glass of that,
too, while you're at it," he added, gesturing at the whiskey bottle on the
kitchen table.
*****
Xander nervously walked into the bedroom,
which seemed filled with moving shadows as Angelus silently lit the large red
candles set in heavy candlesticks that were placed around the room. He gave a
start as an arm slipped around his waist. "Only me, pet," whispered Spike. "You
sure you're going to be okay with this, Xander?"
Xander leaned his head
back against Spike, closing his eyes for a moment. "Don't have a lot of choices
here, Spike." Spike nodded in silent agreement. That was the one thing they were
all clear on. They'd talked with Angelus about the ritual, what was involved,
what would happen if they didn't do it, for almost an hour. Xander had baulked
at being given to Angelus like a possession, to be shared, but Angelus had
pointed out to him that was exactly what he was, from a vampire point of view.
Spike had to offer his Consort to his Sire, and it would be a grave insult if
his Sire refused to take him. Xander had simply stared at them, shaken his head
and slumped further into his seat. He hadn't said another word.
They
stood and watched as Angelus finished lighting the candles, then opened a drawer
in the bedside cabinet and took out a length of heavy, red cord, a
wicked-looking knife and a tube of lube. Xander shuddered, and Spike wrapped his
arms around him tightly. Angelus placed the items on top of the cabinet, then
turned to address them.
"Ready?" he asked them in a low voice. At their
nods, he continued, "William, you know what this ritual entails?"
"Yes,
Sire."
"Prepare your Consort." With those words, Angelus left the
bedroom, closing the door behind him. Xander sagged against Spike. Spike hugged
him tightly once more, then gently released him, turning him so that he could
see his face.
"C'mon, Xan. Sooner we start, sooner we get this over with,
yeah?" Xander nodded, closing his eyes again. Spike began to undress him, neatly
folding his clothes and placing them on a chair by the wall. When he was naked,
Xander started to unbutton Spike's shirt, but Spike caught his hands to still
them.
"No, love. Just you for the ritual, remember? Xander flushed,
suddenly feeling exposed and vulnerable.
"Spike, I..." Spike hushed him,
drawing him into his arms and kissing him gently.
"I know, love. It'll be
okay. Come and lie down on the bed with me. I'll make it all better, I promise."
Spike kicked off his shoes, picked up the lube and lay down next to Xander. As
Spike began to kiss and caress Xander, he spoke to him in a low, deep voice,
telling him how beautiful he was, and how much he was loved. Xander found it
calming, almost hypnotic, and was surprised when he felt the first finger
penetrate him. He tensed automatically, then felt Spike nuzzle at his neck,
nibbling his claim mark, and he began to relax again. He felt as though he was
drifting slowly deeper, warm and safe as Spike surrounded him. He felt himself
gradually drift to the surface as he became aware of what was happening outside
his own mind again.
"Time to come back to me, love," said Spike, his
voice vibrating through Xander. He was dimly aware of a panicky, apprehensive
feeling somewhere inside him, but it seemed muffled, somehow. Spike looked at
Xander. He seemed relaxed, his pupils widely dilated. Spike got off the bed and
walked around to Xander's side, helping him to sit. Xander smiled widely at him,
feeling wonderfully floaty and really, really good. The vague thought that Spike
had done something to him to cause this crossed his mind, but he couldn't focus
on it, and let it drift away.
"Angelus will come back soon, pet. Part of
you really wants this; wants him. Think about it, and let that part be strongest
inside you. Can you do that, pet?" the low voice thrummed. Xander tried to
concentrate on the feelings of desire inside him, letting them float to the top,
pushing the apprehensive ones further down. There. There it was. It was red, and
dark, and it growled; it wanted... Xander growled, "Mine," grabbed a fistful of
Spike's shirt and hauled him down onto the bed, plundering his mouth. Spike
allowed it for a moment, then pulled away.
"Good. Hang on to that. Right,
time to start, pet," he said. He pulled Xander up until he was standing next to
the bed, and picked up the heavy cord. "Cross your wrists in front of you, Xan."
He then tied Xander's wrists firmly with the cord. He led Xander into the middle
of the room. "Kneel here, pet, and raise your arms above your head for me," he
said, taking hold of the ends of the cord firmly and pulling Xander's arms back,
so that his bound hands rested behind his head.
Xander felt himself
floating higher and higher and then, with a sudden jerk, he was back in control
of himself again. He cursed and tried to recapture the earlier feelings, force
the demon back to the surface, but he couldn't. He began to shake, and then the
hold on his arms was released and Spike was squatting in front of
him.
"Xander, what happened, you okay?" Xander smiled shakily at
him.
"Guess I'm gonna have to do this on my own, Spike, the demon baled
on me."
"Fuck! You're too strong. Which is a good thing, love," he
hastily added, "just coulda done without it right now, you know? Gonna make it
harder for you."
Xander sighed. "I'm not made of glass, Spike. I'll cope.
We'll cope," he added, seeing the look of worry in his mate's eyes. "We're in
this together, right?" Xander just hoped he sounded more confident than he felt.
His stomach was twisting in knots. Just then, the bedroom door opened and
Angelus walked in. Spike stood, took the ends of the cord and pulled Xander's
wrists behind his head again. Xander looked at the floor, as instructed, and
waited.
Angelus crossed the floor and stood in front of
Xander.
"William, Childe of Angelus of the House of Aurelius, what do you
seek?"
"I seek what is mine by right under Lore. This human is mine by
blood. I have claimed him as Consort, under Lore. I demand you acknowledge him
as Childe, blood of your blood. I demand the protection of my Sire, Master of
the House of Aurelius, be given to this, my possession. I offer him to you,
Sire, to take, as is your right."
Xander felt his arms being pulled
forward as Spike thrust the hand holding the ends of the cord towards Angelus.
He glanced up and noticed that Angelus was in game face. Angelus reached across
and took the cord from Spike, tugging upwards, guiding Xander to his feet.
Xander was relieved to let his arms drop down, they were starting to cramp up a
little, though Angelus held on to the cord.
"You do this willingly,
little one?" asked Angelus. Xander swallowed hard, then nodded. Angelus simply
looked at him, until Xander figured he probably needed to speak.
"Yes,"
he managed to croak out. Nonononono, run away, run away... An hysterical giggle
caught in his throat. He looked up as a hand stroked his cheek, and saw Angelus
smiling gently at him. "It'll be okay, Xander," he said softly.
"Childe?"
Spike pulled Xander towards him. "Slip your arms over my head,
love. I've got you," he said. He wrapped one arm around Xander's waist and held
him firmly against him, while his other hand cupped the back of Xander's head as
it rested against his upraised arm. We could be dancing, thought Xander. Apart
from the whole me being naked with two vampires doing the blood and sex ritual
thing. He jerked when he felt hands run over his shoulders, down his sides to
his ass, caressing him gently. Spike tightened his hold. Suddenly Angelus was
pressed against him. He could feel the slide of the silk shirt against his back,
the slight scratch of the woollen pants and the hardness nudging him. Spike's
head tilted forward, and Xander was surprised to see Angelus and Spike kiss
across his shoulder. Angelus pulled away briefly and then he was back, pressed
against Xander again, but this time there was no clothing in the way. Spike's
hand was pushing his head now, tilting it further, baring Xander's neck. He felt
kisses on his shoulder, and then the light prickling of fangs as Angelus nibbled
along his shoulder to his neck, where he began licking and sucking the skin
above the muscle there. Hands drifted down his sides to his ass again, but this
time they stayed here, kneading, pulling the cheeks apart. He felt Angelus shift
behind him, then the familiar bluntness at his entrance. Xander was panting, and
he could feel his heart racing. No. No, I don't want this. I don't want to do
this. But the hand on the back of his head pressed his face into Spike's neck,
muffling his words, and Spike was whispering to him, trying to soothe him, calm
him down, but Xander could have told him he was wasting his time.
Hands
on his hips, now, holding him in place. Xander braced himself. He panted, trying
to force muscles to relax as they tightened, his body trying to enforce the
rejection his mind screamed as he felt himself being breached. "Fuck," he cried
out as Angelus slammed home in one smooth, hard movement. A bright flash of pain
shocked through him. Angelus thrust a few times, until he was buried as deeply
as he could be, Xander's protesting muscles fluttering and spasming around the
intrusion, then he stopped, holding Xander firmly against him. He licked and
sucked on Xander's neck a moment longer and then sank his fangs in, sucking hard
for several seconds. Xander groaned at the second shock of pain. He squeezed his
eyes tightly shut, feeling tears forcing their way past his eyelids to run down
his cheeks. A torn wrist was pressed against Xander's mouth and he opened his
eyes to see Spike staring at him. Spike nodded, and Xander sucked at the wound
until Angelus pulled his arm away. Xander felt himself growing hard again. The
erection he'd had from Spike's preparation of him had flagged during the ritual.
It felt wrong, somehow, he shouldn't be getting off on this. Something of his
distress must have shown on his face, because Spike kissed him, then whispered,
"It's okay, Xan. I want you to enjoy this. I want you to come for me,
love."
Xander gasped as Angelus suddenly began thrusting into him. As he
pounded into Xander, he shifted slightly again and suddenly Xander was seeing
stars. He groaned and found himself thrusting back. A hand was pumping his cock;
probably Angelus as Spike was holding him up. He felt his knees begin to buckle
then he was coming, hard, and Angelus was slamming into him until he jerked,
slammed home a final time and Xander felt the cool liquid wash inside him. It
seemed to take Angelus a few moments to collect himself, then he tilted Xander's
face towards him and kissed him. When he broke the kiss, he gently pulled out of
Xander and wiped them both roughly with a towel. He slipped on his pants, then
lifted Xander's arms over Spike's head, pulling him so he was standing upright.
Angelus picked up the knife, and cut the cord binding Xander's wrists.
"I
accept you, Alexander Harris, Consort of William, as Childe, blood of my blood.
You have the protection of Angelus, Master of the House of
Aurelius."
Spike took Xander's arm and led him to the bed, sitting him
down on the edge, because he looked as though he was about to fall down. Xander
felt... numb, cold. Drained. He didn't seem to have the energy or motivation to
do anything, so he simply sat. He watched as Spike and Angelus talked quietly.
He watched as Spike kissed his Sire again, and then tilted his head. He watched
as Angelus drank from Spike for a moment, then offered Spike his wrist. He
watched Spike drink from his Sire. And he knew that something significant was
happening, but he figured he'd wait until brain was working again before he
tried to make sense of it all. Then Spike was next to him again, dressing
him.
"Take him home, Spike."
"Angelus? Thanks. For everything. It
was good to see you again after so long. I... I've missed you."
"I'll try
to be here if you need me, Will."
"Yeah. C'mon, pet. Let's go get some
sleep. Then I'm taking you home."
*****
It didn't take them long
to get to the hotel. Xander hadn't said a word since the ritual, and Spike was
giving him increasingly concerned looks. Spike pulled into the forecourt and
opened the car door.
"Spike. I don't wanna stay here. I wanna go home,"
said Xander. He was shaking, and Spike turned the heater on, hoping the boy was
just cold, but worried that it wasn't that simple.
"Okay, love. You want
to come in with me while I get our stuff?" Xander shook his head, still staring
out the side window of the car, avoiding Spike's gaze. "Right, then. I'll park
up over here. You wait here for me, I won't be long. Okay, love?" Xander nodded.
Spike closed the door again and parked in one of the reserved bays near the
entrance. He left the ignition switched on and the heater running, and slipped
in one the CDs that Xander had brought with them, adjusting the volume until the
music was a soft, soothing background noise.
Fifteen minutes later, Spike
was loading bags into the trunk. He'd simply grabbed everything and stuffed it
into their bags, shoving the overflow into plastic carrier bags. Obviously,
packing things neatly took up a lot less space - either that, or their clothes
had spent the night breeding. When the clerk at reception had started muttering
about the computer system being down, Spike had simply growled, thrust his
credit card at him and told him to take the number, saying they could send him
the damn bill when they got their act together. He'd then swept out of the lobby
on a carpet of profuse apologies.
As he started the engine and drove out
of the forecourt, Spike darted a quick glance at Xander. The boy was still
staring out the side window. The shaking had subsided somewhat, but his eyes
seemed unfocussed, as though he were miles away.
"Xan, you okay? D'you
want to stop and get something to eat on the way home?"
"No, I'm fine,"
he said, his gaze never leaving the distant point that seemed to hold his
interest. Spike sighed. He tried to reach through the link, but found that
Xander had slammed it shut.
"Xan, do you -" But Xander reached across and
turned up the volume on the CD player, drowning out Spike's words. Fine, ignore
me then, thought Spike. But you will talk to me when we get home,
love.
Spike drove as fast as he safely could, bearing in mind his human
passenger, and they were pulling into the carpark of their apartment less than 2
hours later. As Spike switched off the ignition, Xander got out of the car and
let himself into the apartment, completely disregarding Spike, who just sat
there, staring after him.
"Fuck it," growled Spike, as he got out of the
car and slammed the door shut. He grabbed the bags, slamming the trunk as well,
then followed Xander inside. The boy was bloody well going to talk to him
whether he liked it or not. Spike dumped the bags on the floor in the bedroom
and stalked over to the closed bathroom door. He tried the handle and found it
locked.
"Xander? Xander, open the door, love." A muffled, "No," floated
through the door. Spike tried the link again, but this time pushed hard,
breaking through the inadequate defences that were the best Xander could do. He
gasped at the pain he felt from Xander and he'd broken the lock and was in the
bathroom before he even registered that he'd moved. A strange feeling of deja vu
hit him as he saw a dejected Xander sitting on the toilet. But this time,
instead of a confused drunk, he found a boy sobbing his heart out; his face
buried in one of the soft bath towels to muffle his
crying.
"Xan?"
"It hu...hurts, Spike. O...other people d...do this
stuff all the ti...time, right?" Xander choked out as he sobbed. "So why do I
f...feel like a whore?"
"Oh, fuck. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry.
C'mere baby," he said as he fell to his knees in front of the boy and gathered
him into his arms. Xander stiffened for a second, and then crumpled into a
sobbing heap in Spike's arms. Spike swallowed hard to force down the lump that
was threatening to choke him. He rose to his feet easily, picking Xander up and
carrying him to their bed. He laid the boy down gently, efficiently stripped him
and slipped him under the covers. He tore his own clothes off and climbed in
quickly, pulling the unresisting body into his embrace. Xander curled himself
tightly around Spike, clinging on like a drowning man to a life raft. Spike
petted, cooed, hushed and soothed until the crying petered out and he sensed
Xander's breathing and heart rate were slow and steady enough that the boy had
obviously cried himself to sleep. Only then did he allow his own pain to
show.
Spike lay with Xander wrapped around him, still petting the boy
absently as he thought about what Angelus had said to him before he'd left LA.
Angelus had warned him that something like this might happen. That the boy was
dangerously close to the edge. That the only reason he'd agreed to the ritual
was that the alternatives scared him even more. And that Spike had made matters
much worse by not really understanding what the hell he was doing before he
started all this.
"I'll fix this, Xan. I'll fix this, love, I promise,"
Spike whispered into Xander's hair as he dropped kisses on the boy's head. "I
love you. I'll do whatever it takes to make this up to you, I swear. Whatever it
takes."
SECRETS
AND SACRIFICES
III
