Buffy

 

"Hey, sweet, how are you feeling?"  Spike asked before leaning down to kiss Buffy on the cheek.

 

She smiled wanly at him.  "Fine, Spike.  How was your trip?"

 

"It was great, luv.  I brought someone to meet you."  Spike stepped aside so that Xander and Bran could move closer to the bed.  "Two someones, actually.  This is Xander, and this little bit is Bran."

 

Xander tried not to be jealous of the kiss Spike gave Buffy, or the way his hand lingered in hers even as he stepped aside for them, but it was hard.  Xander nodded a greeting at the sick woman.  She looked like she was only sixteen, but Spike had told her she was already twenty-two.  She was pale and petite and Xander guessed she'd been on chemotherapy for awhile because she wore a cap on her head covering what little was left of her hair.

 

"Hello, Xander."  Buffy gave him one of her wan smiles as well.  "Thank you so much for coming."

 

Xander couldn't find anything to say, so he remained silent and nodded again.  He was just beginning to think it might be a good idea to leave, rather than continue to stand there in awkward silence, when Bran spoke up.  "Are you my aunt?"

 

Surprised, Buffy looked first to Spike, then to Xander, for guidance on how to answer.  Xander shrugged before answering her unspoken question.  "I told Bran about you and Joyce.  I don't keep secrets from him."

 

Buffy turned toward the curious boy and smiled, nodding shyly.  "Yes, I guess I am."

 

"I've never had an aunt before."  Bran tilted his head sideways, studying her.

 

"I've never had a nephew."

 

"I've never had anyone but daddy."  Bran's simple statement made Xander catch his breath, a sharp pain pinching his chest.  "Now I have you, and Will, and that Joyce lady, and Giles."  Bran's face lit up like a light bulb.  "He's Will's daddy!" he exclaimed excitedly.

 

Buffy laughed, regretting it slightly as she segued into a coughing fit.  "Sorry," she mumbled.

 

"Maybe we should let you rest, luv," Spike suggested.  "Xan still has to go down to the lab and give blood for the test."

 

"Okay, guess we should get it over with, huh?  Find out whether Xander's a match or not?"  Buffy answered, her voice light, yet they all knew how much was riding on the outcome of these tests.  "Nice to meet you, Bran."  She turned her eyes toward Xander.  "And I do really want to thank you, Xander.  I know originally you didn't want to come, and that Spike probably pushed you into it.  He can be a little stubborn."

 

"Oi!"

 

She smiled indulgently at him.  "And thank you for bringing Bran down, letting me meet my nephew."

 

"Look," Xander began, wanting to make things clear.  "I'm going to help you, but I'm not doing this for you, or Joyce.  Bran's excited about meeting new people, and yeah, I told him that the three of us were, sort of, related...but that doesn't mean that I think of you as a sister or that woman as my mother.  So don't pretend it does."  Xander paused to run work-roughened fingers through his hair.  "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh.  This is really hard for me.  I'm here because Spike asked me to be.  He says you’re his best friend, which must mean that you can't be all that bad, but it's going to take more than one quick meeting for me to agree with that."

 

Xander reached out for Bran, bringing the boy up to his side and hugging him close.  "Bran and I have been on our own for a long time now, and we've been fine."  Xander pushed aside the small doubt that stabbed him at those words.  "I'm not saying that I'm not going to try, I just need more time.  Maybe after...everything...we'll all have more time to, I don't know, get to know each other, I guess.  Okay?"  Xander fiddled nervously with Bran's hair, making him squirm.

 

Xander had been avoiding Buffy's eye almost the entire time he spoke; nervous and *feeling* harsh, even if he hadn't meant to be.  So he didn't notice Buffy's eyebrow raise and the inquiring look she threw at Spike when Xander mentioned his name.  He also missed the telltale blush that rose in Spike's cheeks at Buffy's scrutiny.

 

"Xander, it's okay," Buffy said.  "I'm sorry.  Mom never told me about you, not until, well, they started looking."

 

"Never?"  Buffy couldn't read the look on Xander's face.  She didn't know whether he was hoping for a yes or a no.

 

"No, I'm afraid not.  I don't know how you feel, I couldn't.  But I *am* sorry," Buffy apologized again.

 

"Thank you."  Xander let the words whisper from his lips.

 

"Xan, luv, could you give us a minute?"  Spike asked after a moment of silence.

 

Xander looked up sharply at Spike's voice.  He nodded, though his eyes darted back and forth from Buffy to Spike.  "Yeah, sure.  I'll take Bran to go get a candy bar or something."

 

"Yay!  Chocolate!"  Bran cried, racing out the door causing all three adults to chuckle and release some of the pent-up tension in the room.

 

"I'll see you out in the hall," Xander called over his shoulder, before going out the door after his son.

 

Spike was watching as Xander disappeared behind the swinging door.  When Buffy spoke, he turned to meet her gaze. 

 

"He's cute."

 

Spike could feel the flush creeping up his neck and onto his cheeks.  "Yeah, I...uh, he's very - "

 

"I was talking about Bran," Buffy laughed.  "But I have a feeling you weren't."

"Oh."  This conversation was oddly reminiscent of the one he'd had with his father last night.

 

"Is that all you have to say?"  Very oddly reminiscent.

 

"I, uh, he's been through a lot, Xan, has," Spike ventured.

 

"Yeah, I know.  Mom sort of explained the whole thing to me after you called to let us know you were flying in."

 

"Oh."  Bugger.  "Look, luv, I think I'm...Xander, he's...I don't know, Buffy!  It's like I'm drawn to him.  Want to make things better, let him know he's not alone," Spike finished still blushing profusely.

 

"Then, what are you doing here?"  Buffy asked.

 

"Huh?"

 

"Didn't you see the way he looked at you?  At us?  He probably thinks you stayed in here to profess you're undying love or something!"  Buffy exclaimed, exasperated with her friend.

 

"What?  Why?  I told him you were like a sister to me."  Spike looked around, as if he could find the answer to his confusion somewhere in the room.

 

"It doesn't matter what you told him," Buffy explained.  "You didn't see his face when you kissed me.  And you didn't see his eyes watching our hands the entire time he was in the room."

 

"He was?" 

 

"Yeah, now go find him."  She shooed him out of the room with a gesture.  When he nodded and kissed her goodbye she called after him before he could slip out of the room.  "And let him know you want to take all his pain away!"  He turned and threw her a two-fingered salute making her laugh softly.

 

***

 

After the lab tech had taken the blood he'd informed them that the results probably wouldn't be back until at least the next day, if not two.  The queue in the lab was quite long, but Dr. Calendar had asked them to try rushing it through as fast as possible.  Spike made a quick trip to Buffy's room to let her know and then they headed out.

 

The drive home was quiet, except for Bran's singing along with the radio.  Spike was surprised that Bran even knew the words to some of the songs that blasted from Spike's radio.  He didn't think they were Xander's type of music, but when he glanced at Xander, he seemed to be absentmindedly humming along as well.

 

"Didn't think this was your kind of music, luv," Spike told Xander.

 

"I was big into Metallica, way back when.  Still am."  Xander shrugged.  "Sort of had a theme song."

 

"Theme song?"

 

"Yeah," Xander turned to peer out the passenger side window.  "The Unforgiven."

 

Spike wracked his memory but couldn't quite come up with the words to that song.  "That on the Black Album, luv?"

 

"Yeah."

 

Spike gave up trying to get Xander to talk for the rest of the trip back to his flat.  When they got back, Bran ran straight for the Playstation while Xander took a seat in the living room.

 

"What's wrong, Xan?"  Spike asked, coming to sit beside him.

 

"Nothing."  Xander shrugged again.  Spike was getting frustrated, not knowing what was on Xander's mind.  "You were probably right, you know.  This thing," Xander gestured between the two of them.  "It's crazy."

 

"I never said it was crazy, Xan.  Just that I needed some time," Spike insisted.

 

"No, I mean, you're not even gay, Spike!  And I live in Vegas; you live here.  It's just...useless," Xander finished quietly.  "I'm kinda tired, I'm gonna lie down for awhile, okay?"  Without waiting for an answer, Xander stood and made his way to Bran's room where he could lie down in peace and quiet.  The door clicked softly shut, leaving Spike outside feeling confused and upset.

 

***

 

Xander was lying in the dark, trying not to cry.  What had he been thinking?  He'd told himself before they left that he wasn't going to fall for Spike.  That it was useless and would just end up getting both he and Bran hurt.  And look what he'd done!?  And look how right he'd been.

 

***

 

Spike made his way to his room, pulling off his duster and hanging it in the hall closet as he went.  In his room he rummaged through his CD cases until he found the Metallica Black Album he'd bought ages ago.  He hadn't listened to it in years, but he slipped it into the CD player now.  He queued it to track 4, The Unforgiven, then sat down to listen.

 

~~~

New blood joins this earth
and quickly he's subdued
through constant pain disgrace
the young boy learns their rules

~~~

 

Oh, God, Xander's theme song.

 

~~~

with time the child draws in
this whipping boy done wrong
deprived of all his thoughts
the young man struggles on and on he's known
a vow unto his own
that never from this day
his will they'll take away

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never be
never see
won't see what might have been

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub thee unforgiven
~~~

 

Spike wondered when Xander had first discovered this song.  How young was he when his father first hit him?  Never free, never me?  No, he wouldn't let Xander believe that.  Not anymore.

 

~~~

they dedicate their lives
to running all of his
he tries to please them all
this bitter man he is
throughout his life the same
he's battled constantly
this fight he cannot win
a tired man they see no longer cares
the old man then prepares
to die regretfully
that old man here is me

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never be
never see
won't see what might have been

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub thee unforgiven

you labeled me
I'll label you
so I dub thee unforgiven
~~~

 

Spike let the CD spin on, not listening to the rest of the songs.  He lay back on his bed, thinking of Xander, of the boy he might have been.  Spike made a vow of his own.  Xander wasn't going to die regretfully, he wasn't going to keep trying to fight a battle he's already won.  And Spike was going to make sure he knew that.