BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS 3
By Nash
Notes

Xander woke up to find ice blue eyes watching him thoughtfully. He smiled sleepily at the blond and whispered a good-morning.

“Xander, we need to talk,” Spike said looking at him solemnly.

The brunet’s smile disappeared. “Nothing good ever comes of those words. You said that yourself,” he said quietly. He paused for a moment before continuing, “So, decided whether you feel guilty about this yet?”

“That’s pretty much up to you Xan. If you tell me you were just upset and didn’t know what you were doing then yeah, I do,” the vampire said, steadfastly looking into Xander’s eyes, trying to find the answer in their dark depths.

“And if I tell you that not only did I know what I was doing, I’d like to do it again?” the boy whispered looking down, avoiding the clear blue gaze.

“Are you sure Xander? You want to get involved with a vampire?” the blond queried, still trying to catch the human’s eye. “I may have a soul now, but the demon is still a big part of who I am.”

“I’m not asking for forever Spike. I’m not even asking you to love me. All I’m asking for is the possibility that you will someday…it’s what I’m offering too, the chance to find out.” Xander spoke slowly, willing the vampire to accept his offer, hoping that maybe, given time, Spike would love him, not Buffy.

Spike looked at the young man lying next to him and tried to examine his feelings about him. He knew he cared for Xander as a friend, but before last night he hadn’t entertained the idea of him becoming anything more.

So why had he been so upset when the brunet had revealed his bisexuality? Was it because someone he’d come to consider a friend withheld something that important or because he had been previously denied the chance to see if they could become more than that? Was he upset because Xander had gone out on a date with a guy or because it should have been him that was on that date?

He felt the boy move next to him as if to get out of bed and realised that he’d been silent for so long that Xander had taken it as a rejection of his offer. He made a snap decision and hoping to whatever god there was that he didn’t live to regret it. He grabbed Xander’s hand and pulled him back into bed. “The answer’s ‘yes’ luv,” he whispered huskily before claiming his lover’s lips in an all-consuming kiss.

-------------------

Xander was fairly bouncing on the way to that night’s Scooby meeting at the Magic Shop. He held his lover’s hand and chattered happily, unable to keep a big goofy grin on his face. Xander knew that Spike still loved Buffy but he was becoming more and more confident that he could replace her in his lover’s heart. All he needed was time.

Spike himself was smiling, enjoying the boy’s exuberance and basking in his happiness. He’d never felt so at ease with a lover before. Drusilla had needed to be taken care of and Buffy…well the less said about that period in his unlife the better. He’d never just walked down the street talking about inconsequential things, just being with his significant other.

When they finally reached the Magic Shop the vampire lagged a bit to allow Xander to walk in first. The brunet burst into the shop, anxious to share his good news with his friends, not even noticing that Spike had come in at a discrete distance behind him.

“Hey guys, I got the best news! Well, *Spike and I* have the best news, but since I’m the one saying it, it’s really me that has them. I’ve been dying to tell you since yesterday and now I get to, which is really exciting and I’m so happy,” he babbled looking around to find Spike.

The vampire had walked further into the room and was now standing behind the research table looking horrified and frantically shaking his head. Xander frowned at the blond, immediately understanding what he was trying to convey and not sure what to make of it. He quickly pulled himself together and realising that the others had seen the exchange between him and Spike, he tried to cover for them.

“Don’t look at me like that Bleach. You promised we’d do it and we will!” he mock-scolded the vampire and turned again to smilingly address his friends. “Spike promised me that we could have a party and now he’s trying to weasel out of it. Interrupting me while in full babble mode too. He should know better than that right? Right. So, we’re having a party and you’re all invited.”

The room erupted into cheers as Buffy and Dawn teased Spike for his failed attempts to dodge a party. Willow looked at her oldest friend suspiciously before she too joined in Buffy and Dawn’s felicitations.

Throughout the research session Spike kept trying to catch Xander’s eye, wanting to apologise for his previous behaviour, but the boy resolutely refused to so much as look in his general direction, keeping his nose buried in the book he was going through.

The vampire hadn’t realised that Xander intended to tell their friends about their relationship and when he’d seen the boy about to blurt it all out he’d panicked. A million damning thoughts passed through his head: What if Buffy got angry and staked him. What if she got jealous? What if she didn’t get jealous? And Dawn. What if she got upset with him? She’d only just forgiven him for trying to kill her sister. What if they cut him out of their lives again? He couldn’t face that. Not for Xander, not for anyone. He finally belonged again and he couldn’t risk that. So he’d tried to make Xander stop and now his lover wouldn’t even look at him.

He was drawn from his thoughts at the sound of a chair scraping backwards.

“I can’t take this anymore,” Xander snapped.

The vampire’s eyes widened in horror, was Xander going to tell them? The brunet’s eyes finally looked at him just in time to see the fear in his eyes. Xander smiled mirthlessly at him and started for the door.

“I can’t concentrate any more guys, I have to get out of here. Need to go to the office anyway, have some paperwork that needs doing.” The boy kept his voice as even as he could and didn’t even hesitate when Spike desperately offered to walk him there. Xander didn’t bother covering the hostility he felt and angrily replied, “No Bleach, don’t bother, *Buffy* needs you more than I do.”

Buffy and Dawn where looking at Xander’s direction and missed the stricken look in Spike’s face, but Willow didn’t. Something was going on here and she was determined to find out what it was.

“What the hell was that all about?” Buffy exclaimed. “Spike, do you know what’s up with him?”

“Dunno pet,” the blond mumbled, pretending to be focused on whatever book he was holding.

-------------------

Xander angrily strode down the street and into Churchfield Park. He walked until he reached a small lake and made his way to a huge oak tree right by the shoreline. This was where he came to think whenever something bad or confusing happened to him. This was where he headed after staking Jesse, after Cordelia broke up with him, after Buffy died. This was where he had finally accepted his sexuality. And this was where Willow knew to find him if he only waited long enough.

He’d spent the entire meeting trying to figure out why Spike had panicked at the thought of the girls knowing about them. Maybe Spike was ashamed of him. It wasn’t like Xander was the catch of the century. Then a much worse thought had occurred to him. What if Spike needed to leave a door open for Buffy to come back? He couldn’t stand that thought so he’d run...away from Spike…away from Buffy.

So that was his role then. To be Spike’s dirty little secret, warming the vampire’s bed until Buffy graced it again. Xander was sure the vampire wasn’t being deliberately cruel. The Spike Xander had come to know these past few months, the Spike he was in love with, despite all his roughness and shortcomings wouldn’t deliberately do that to someone. But the conclusion remained: Spike still loved Buffy and wanted her back. Or he was ashamed of him. Either way two things were clear to him: he was Buffy’s substitute and Spike didn’t want anyone to know they were together. The question was whether Xander could live with that.

The brunet felt warm arms wrapping around his waist.

“So…you and Spike,” Willow said softly.

“Me and Spike,” Xander replied.

“So much for the get-over-the-vampire plan then huh?” she smiled sadly.

“Yeah.”

“Didn’t want us to know did he?”

“No,” Xander mumbled

“I’m sure it’s not what you think it is Xan. Maybe he’s not ready for everyone to know yet. It took you one year to tell Buffy that you’re bi. Maybe he’s just afraid we won’t accept him,” Willow assured him.

“How’d you know what I think anyway?” he asked sceptically.

The witch smiled. “I’ve known you since we were both two months old Xander Harris. I know how your mind works. You’ve managed to convince yourself that he’s ashamed of being with you or some such crap.”

Xander turned around and hugged his friend tightly, unconvinced, but willing to try and believe. Beggars can’t be choosers, he told himself, and you’ll take anything he’s got to give. “Guess I should go find my vampire then,” he whispered and pulled back.

“Guess you should,” Willow agreed. “I sent him home after the meeting. He should be waiting for you at the apartment.”

-------------------

Spike was pacing along the length of the living room mentally tearing himself apart for his stupid actions. He shouldn’t have panicked; the girls would probably accept the relationship. But to completely give up on Buffy…he wasn’t sure he was ready to do that. Which only made him feel worse. He really cared about Xander and didn’t want to ruin their friendship or whatever this was between them. Spike didn’t really think that he’d get back with Buffy but he couldn’t let go yet. He just couldn’t.

He heard the front door opened and turned to stare at the entrance. “Xander?” he whispered.

The boy appeared, hesitantly standing in front of the door. Xander didn’t know what to say, how to get over this awkwardness. “I can’t be with someone who’s ashamed of me,” he finally whispered unwilling and unable to bring up the subject of Buffy, afraid of what the answer might be.

“What? No! Xander I swear I’m not ashamed of you! I just-” Spike exclaimed, and then stopped, not knowing what to say.

“You ‘just’ what Spike? You obviously feel very strongly about not letting anyone know about us. If you wanted this to be a one-night stand all you had to do was say so. I’m not going to force you into a relationship you don’t want, I may be an idiot, but I’m not that stupid,” Xander burst out desperately, giving Spike the chance to back out. It would break his heart, but if this wasn’t what the vampire wanted then there was nothing Xander could do to keep him.

Spike immediately launched himself at Xander grabbing his hands and speaking insistently. “No! Xander listen to me, I am *not* ashamed of you! I’m just not ready for the girls to know about this, not yet. *I’m* not even sure what’s happening here, how am I supposed to explain it to Dawn. Please Xan just let it go for a while, we’ll tell them later, when we’re ready…when *I’m* ready.”

Xander closed his eyes against the pleading look directed at him. “I’d have to lie to them...”

Spike took advantage of the boy’s hesitation and pressed his whole body against him, nibbling on his earlobe and breathing out, “Please Xander…I’ll make it up to you”

“God Spike, how can I think when you’re doing that?”

“What, this?”

Xander moaned quietly. “So, we wait for a while, but we’ll tell them?”

“Yeah baby, we will,” Spike whispered trailing kisses from Xander’s ear, down his jaw line to his mouth. He kissed the boy passionately, hands moving down to open Xander’s jeans pushing his hand inside and massaging the hardening cock he found. Spike went back to nibbling on his lover’s sensitive earlobe. “Not ashamed of you pet. Want you so much. Can I have you Xan? Can I?” he murmured.

The brunet moaned in reply and hastily pushed his own jeans down before attacking Spike’s own. The vampire felt a second of relief that Xander had let himself get distracted from their conversation, before the boy dropped to his knees and took Spike’s cock in his mouth.

Xander closed his lips over Spike's hardening cock, sucking it hard making the blond moan. "Oh fuck, that's it pet, take me in. Suck me Xander, oh yeah, just like that." Xander bobbed his head up and down the vampire’s shaft enjoying the taste and feel of it in his mouth. He used his hands to caress Spike's balls, rolling and tugging them gently. When he felt Spike about to come, he stood up and, mimicking the vampire’s previous teasing, he nibbled on his earlobe and whispered, “You wanted to have me Spike. Asked so nicely too. Aren’t you going to?”

Spike’s immediate reaction was to step out of his jeans and growl at Xander to do the same. The minute they were off he grabbed the boy and bent him over the back of the couch, pushing his coat and shirt up to his shoulders before freezing completely “Damn it, we need lube,” he growled in frustration.

“Coat pocket,” Xander replied, voice muffled by the coat hanging over his head.

“Excuse me?” the blond replied incredulously.

“I was planning on using it before we got home.” His voice was quiet now, remembering why he didn’t get a chance to use it.

“Right, exhibitionist streak, check,” Spike said lightly, trying to distract him again. He straightened the coat and grabbed the lube before throwing it back and hastily slicking a finger. Can’t let Xander lose the mood. He reached one hand around his lover’s body grabbing his cock and pumping it a couple of times, while tracing and teasing his hole with his other hand. By the time he finally pushed his finger in Xander was writhing and moaning for more.
“Damn it Spike do it *now*,” he demanded and Spike was only too happy to get his lover ready as quickly as possible and slam his cock inside him.

“This what you wanted pet? Cause this is exactly what I had in mind, taking you, having you, *fucking* you ‘til you can’t take anymore,” the blond said, a shallow thrust following each phrase.

“Yeah, just more, need it faster Spike, harder, oh *God*,” Xander gasped as Spike gave him exactly what he needed “Oh God, like that,” he breathed and gasped when the vampire resumed pulling him. A few seconds later, he arched and came all over the back of the couch swiftly followed by Spike.

The blond let himself topple over the couch to land near Xander’s face. “Bed now?” the boy mumbled.

“Yeah,” Spike lazily replied.

“Carry me?”

Spike laughed. “Sure pet, gimme a minute.”

A few moments later he rose and picked Xander up, smiling softly when the brunet nuzzled against his neck and murmured a thank you. The vampire gently lowered Xander on the bed and helped him take off his coat and shirt before undressing himself and sliding in next to him.

Xander laid his head on Spike’s chest and hugged him close. “We’ll tell them?” he asked sleepily.

“Yeah, pet. We’ll tell them. Soon.” Spike sighed petting Xander’s hair. “Go to sleep now.”

BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS 4