Spike stood under the scalding spray of the shower, holding in the sobs that were threatening to come roaring out. He picked up the bottle of shampoo, wanting to do something to take his mind off of what had happened in the living room. The scent of the shampoo reminded him of Xander and he angrily threw the bottle against the wall

He gave in and let the tears stream down his face. “Damned whelp.” He sniffled and picked the shampoo bottle up off the floor of the shower, pouring an overly generous amount into his hand before rubbing the cool gel through his wet curls.

His thoughts turned to his out of character behavior over the past couple of weeks. What had happened to make him such a poof? He no longer had an electronic leash, but had he fed? No. Damned whelp would get upset if he hurt anyone. He apologized to that girl last night when he had bumped her chair. He had told the boy that he understood about thinking of someone else’s safety above your own…

When had he fallen for the boy? His reticent touches branded Spike’s skin, leaving a mark that he could feel for hours after. Xander liked to hold hands. Such a small detail, but so important to Spike. No one had ever wanted his small touches and he had been spurned too many times to count, but Spike was a tactile person, he liked touching, so he kept doing it, ignoring the repeated rejections.

The boy was the first person in a long time that welcomed his touch, the only one that seemed to crave it as much as he did. Spike reveled in the touches, in the small moans that Xander made when he was kissed. He was so responsive, so surprisingly open and receptive to his advances.

“Soddin’ git, I am. Mooning over a boy.”

Spike breathed in deeply under the spray, allowing the pain of water being forced into his lungs soothe him and quiet his thoughts. They didn’t stay quiet for long. His lips were craving the other man’s touch. He wanted to run out and grab Xander and take him by force.

Why didn’t he? He was a Master Vampire. He could take anything he wanted! But he didn’t want Xander like that. He wanted Xander’s love…

“Fuck!” Love? Was he in love with the boy? “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

Spike stepped up his efforts to ignore his own thoughts. The boy had made his choice clear. He didn’t want Spike. It was over. A few stolen kisses, a few innocent touches and it was over. Another broken heart. Fuck. Spike began to sing loudly. He didn’t know what he was singing, but it helped block the pain.

*****

Xander dipped his head and refused to answer. There was no way that Tara would understand any of this, so he purposefully misunderstood her question. “I don’t know. You were fine and then you gasped…”

“Not with me Xander. I know what is going on in my life. What is going on with you and Spike?”

Xander studiously ignored her.

“You know, our flight isn’t for eight hours or so. Do you really want to spend that entire time staring at my shoes?”

Xander suddenly realized that he was staring into Tara’s suitcase and blushed when he saw the item next to the clunky sandals that had caught his attention. He looked into Tara’s eyes, seeing only compassion in their depths.

“I want him, and I blew it.” Xander crumpled to the floor and began fondling a soft piece of cotton that was hanging out of her luggage.

“What do you mean, you blew it?” Tara settled on the floor next to him and pulled the scarf from the case, piling it in Xander’s lap.

“Last night… last night he told me that if I came to him willingly that he wouldn’t let me go. That I would be his forever. God, Tara, I want that so bad!” Xander looked intently at the scarf, tracing a thin gold thread through the pattern. “I want him.”

Tears began to stream freely down his face, sobs choking their way out of his throat. Tara wrapped her arms around Xander and rocked him gently in her arms until his sobs calmed.

“Why do you think that you blew it?” She repeated her question quietly into his ear.

Xander snuggled down into the soft warmth that was his best friend’s girlfriend and sighed. “I know why Willow likes you so much, you’re comfy.”

Tara pushed him up slightly. “Tell me, Xander.”

There was enough force behind her words that he answered. “I… I couldn’t answer him this morning. He thought I didn’t want it, want him, and he walked away and I couldn’t stop him.” His words came out rushed and panicked, the feeling of loss overwhelming him.

Tara laughed gently. “Oh, Xander, you didn’t blow it, you were scared. And he’s not gone, he’s in the shower in your room trying to find a way to deal with his own pain.” She continued rocking him in her arms.

Xander sniffled and sat up. “What do you mean?”

Tara beamed at him. “Listen to him, Xander! He’s singing a love song at the top of his lungs. He’s doing what Spike does best, hiding his feelings behind a lot of bluster. Go to him. Tell him what you want. Don’t let this fester and push you two apart. I have seen how happy you have been since you and he got together.” At Xander’s shocked look, she frowned teasingly. “Of course I knew. I could see the energy between you. If you could only see it…”

Taking a deep, calming breath, Xander stood, dropping the scarf back into the suitcase. “Any way you could get Giles out of here for a while?”

“Of course. I looked through the yellow pages last night while I was trying to fall asleep. Goddess, I miss Willow… There’s a new age shop a couple of blocks from here that looks like it might be interesting. I’ll ask him to walk with me.”

Xander pulled Tara up and wrapped her in a hug. “Thank you,” he muttered into her hair, pressing a kiss to the soft locks.

They walked out of the bedroom to find Giles in the same position as he had been in when they left. “Giles, I found a shop that looks interesting. Will you go with me?”

Giles looked up and into Xander’s troubled brown eyes. He knew that something was wrong with Spike and Xander, and apparently Tara did, too. He slapped his book shut and jumped to his feet. “Sounds delightful. Shall we?” As Giles directed her to the front door of the suite, Tara glanced over her shoulder and winked at Xander.

After the door closed behind them, Xander turned towards the bedroom where he could still hear Spike singing. He wasn’t sure what approach to take with this. Would Spike even be receptive to his advances now that he thought that Xander had rejected him?

He timidly walked into the bedroom, listening to the shower run. Surely the hot water was gone by now. He sat on the bed trying to decide what he needed to do. Suddenly the water stopped.

Xander stood up and looked around the room in a panic. Finally, he decided that he would simply offer himself to the vampire rather than try to rehash everything once again. He walked over to the bathroom door and fell to his knees, looking at the floor.

The door opened and Spike appeared in black jeans, a towel draped over his head. He rubbed at his hair roughly, almost tripping over the still figure on the floor.

“What’s this?” Spike sounded confused, uncomfortable and hopeful.

Xander, still looking at the ground replied in a shaky voice. “I want you and I want to belong to you.” He looked up into Spike’s sparkling blue eyes. “I’m scared, Spike. I’m scared of what belonging to you would mean, but I am more scared of being without you.”

He looked back down at the floor, his posture submissive.

Spike’s demon roared in triumph and his game face slid into place.

“Look at me, boy. See what I am? This is what you will belong to. A vampire. A killer.” Spike’s tone changed as he continued. “However, you have my word that you will be safe from all others for the rest of your life.” He paused for a long moment. “Tell me again that you want this.”

Xander looked deeply into golden pools that were full of desire and hope. “I’m scared Spike. I want you, but…” Spike pulled Xander to his feet and walked him over to the bed, pushing him down onto the soft bedding.

“Tell me.” Spike’s voice brooked no argument. Blue eyes bore into him as if searching his soul for the answers.

“W..when I was… Um. My dad… I’ve never… without…” Xander avoided Spike’s eyes, trying to decide the best way to approach the topic.

Spike knelt on the floor between Xander’s legs, his hands lying on strong thighs. “What did your dad do?”

Xander closed his eyes, pain reflecting in his face. “He would get drunk and… he would…” A deep breath. “He would force me to suck him off.” Xander glanced into Spike’s eyes, scared what he would see in their depths.

Spike snarled. Xander’s body reacted strongly to the rage in Spike’s eyes. Part of him was thrilled that Spike would be so protective of him; another part trembled in fear at what would happen to his father now that Spike knew the truth.

Spike growled menacingly, causing Xander to jump and squeal. “Sorry, love. Come here.” Spike held open his arms. Xander fell to the ground and buried himself in them, laying his head on Spike’s thigh, allowing himself to be comforted by the smaller man.

“I’ve never told anybody that, well, other than Jesse.”

Spike glanced down at the ruffled brown hair in his lap. “Jesse?”

Xander nodded and sniffed. “Yeah. He was my best friend along with Willow. Darla turned him right after Buffy got here. I staked him, kinda.”

“How can you ‘kinda’ stake someone?” Spike sounded genuinely confused. Xander snorted at the vampire’s befuddled tone and then started laughing.

“I tried to stake him, but couldn’t. He was still Jesse. Someone pushed him and he impaled himself on my stake. Stop! It’s not funny!” Spike, in response to Xander’s snort, had started laughing as well.

“Sorry, love. Really I am…” Xander started to laugh more heartily, smacking Spike on the head.

“Stop! It’s not funny! I loved him!” The laughter continued and Spike stood, manhandling Xander back onto the bed before collapsing next to him.

“I’m sorry, pet. So sorry. I know what it feels like, really, I do.” Spike managed to control his laughter at last.

“It’s ok, Spike. I think I needed that. Jesse would have thought it was funny, too. Nobody will talk to me about him anymore. Willow seems to have forgotten him and Buffy never really knew him.” Tears started to form in Xander’s eyes.

Spike pulled Xander more firmly into his arms as Xander cried out his fears.

“Shhh… It’s ok. I will listen to you talk about him all you want. You can tell me everything that you ever did together and I will listen. Shhh…”

Xander sniffled. “It’s not just that, Spike! I don’t know if I can… if I can…” Spike interrupted.

“Xander, love.” Spike brushed a lock of hair off of Xander’s forehead. “I know what it was like. Angelus forced me all the time. I would have willingly gone with him, but he forced me and hurt me intentionally.” He could see understanding in Xander’s eyes. “I know how you feel, but then I met a man and suddenly it wasn’t about pain and humiliation, it was about joint pleasure.

Xander looked up at Spike, questioningly. “Who?”

“His name was Marc. Dru had run off for a few years and I was feeling lonely. He was human, but didn’t seem fazed by the fact that I was a vampire.” Spike’s gaze wandered as his mind drifted into the past. “He touched me gently and allowed me to touch him, to take him… I spent three years with him.”

“What happened?” Xander’s question broke through Spike’s reverie.

“Dru came back. Took me away from him. I never looked back. Thought that I had what I wanted.”

Xander twisted in Spike’s arms, trying to find a more comfortable position to lie in. “You didn’t want her?” he asked in a small voice.

“I did then, but not anymore. You are the only one that I want, Xan.” Spike reached down and stroked Xander’s cheekbone.

“Even if she came back?” Xander asked in a quiet voice.

“Yeah, love, even if she came back tonight, I would only want you.” Spike’s voice rumbled under Xander’s skin.

Xander stood up and pulled Spike so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He knelt down between Spike’s legs and lowered his head submissively. “I want to be yours, Spike. Please take me, make me yours.”

Spike stared in wonder as the one person who he wanted most in the world submitted everything to him. “Oh, Xan. Yeah, I’ll take you. C’mere.” He pulled Xander into his arms, holding him close to his heart.

“Yeah.”

*****

Tara peeked into the room for the second time. She looked over her shoulder at a concerned Giles. “They’re still asleep.” She smiled at the picture that the two men made.

Xander was lying across Spike’s chest, one large leg tucked between two leaner ones. Spike’s hand rested against the small of Xander’s back, holding the larger man close. Tara relaxed and sought their auras.

Spike’s aura jumped at her. It looked different than it had a few months ago. Before, it was dark and uncomfortable feeling with a sick green glow around his head. Now it had lighter specks in it, swirling through the darker areas, lightening them and brightening his essence. His head no longer glowed the sickly green. Tara was stunned. She had assumed that the green signified the chip, but now it was gone.

Xander’s aura was warm and comforting, much better than that morning. Strong earth tones surrounded him, and a sturdy while light outlined his being. Tara was pleased to see little red sparks everywhere that Spike and Xander touched. A closer look revealed that the white line that surrounded Xander seemed to be almost… projecting itself onto Spike.

Tara gasped and shut the door. She clung to it, trying to work out what she had just seen. She knew what the red sparks were. They were the result of two people being in love, but what was going on with Spike? The revolting green that had turned her stomach a short time before was gone and his essence seemed to be lightening. She had never seen such a huge change in such a short period of time.

“Tara?” The young woman turned, focusing her stunned eyes on Giles. Seeing the look on her face, Giles rushed to her side.

“What is wrong?” He urged her to sit on the couch and placed the glass of juice that she had poured earlier into her hands.

Tara looked up and seemed to focus on the wall above Giles’ head. “I..I think something’s w..wrong with Spike’s ch..chip.” Giles slapped himself in the forehead, before reaching out to pat Tara on the shoulder.

“Well, nothing is actually wrong with the chip, it just doesn’t work anymore.” Tara gasped. “I am so sorry, I thought I had told you. Mrs. Sanderson did something to it…” Giles looked at Tara thoughtfully. “How did you know?”

Tara glanced at her hands and then back up into Giles’ kind eyes. “His aura has changed. The entire time that I have known him, he’s had this horrid green mass around his head, it made me sick to look at it. Tonight when I looked, it was gone.”

Giles watched her worriedly. Tara was a kind soul, but would stake the vampire if she felt her friends were in danger. “It’s been non-functional for about a week now. Are you…” Giles couldn’t finish his question.

“That is wonderful! It was hurting him so badly! I wonder what she did to stop it from zapping Spike. Remind me to ask her when we get home. Oh my!” Giles couldn’t help but smile at Tara’s antics. She had stood and was pacing around the couch, flinging her hands around in emphasis.

“So you’re ok with this?” Giles had to ask.

“Oh, Giles! I think it is incredible!” Tara rushed forward and squeezed Giles around his middle. “He’s whole again and he hasn’t been feeding. Do you know what that means?”

Giles shook his head.

“It means that he is willing to give up everything for Xander. Wouldn’t you kill to have someone love you like that?” Tara’s wide-eyed expression drew the answer from Giles’ unwilling mouth.

“Gods, yes.”

THE TRIANGLE 14