WHAT BROUGHT US HERE 1
by Spikedluv

Spike sat in the padded deck chair, looking out into the night. The moon shown down brightly, lighting up the back yard and shining off the small pool, and stars twinkled merrily in the sky, but he paid neither any attention. He sighed deeply as he considered the changes in his life. Sunnydale. He shook his head. That’s where everything had gone so wrong for him, from the very beginning, from the moment he’d stepped into this godforsaken town. He’d gotten hurt here, lost Dru here, been chipped here, and fallen in love with the Slayer here.

It was also where everything had finally gone right for him. Where he’d found a new family. He hadn’t seen it coming. It had happened slowly, gradually, but one day he’d looked around and realized he was surrounded by family. And not the kind of family who *have* to put up with you, but the kind that grows from friends becoming more, forming a connection, sliding their way into your heart until the pain of separation would hurt worse than any torture Angelus could have inflicted.

He had that now, that deep connection, but change stood just around the corner and it made his heart ache. Life never stood still. No matter how much you were enjoying a moment, or maybe *because* you were enjoying it so much, it was bound to change. He shifted the weight in his arms, pulled her a bit closer, and gently kissed the top of her head, her hair soft against his lips, and contemplated how she had come to be here. In his life, in his arms.

The summer after Buffy died had been rough. He’d only gotten through it by concentrating on Dawn and the healing his body had to do so he could protect her like he’d promised. He’d failed once, he bloody well wouldn’t do so again. Dawn started high school that fall, and once she was distracted with school work, friends, and boys, Spike fell into a depression. Strangely enough, it had been Tara who’d attempted to comfort him. Who listened to him when he talked about Buffy, held him when he cried, and insisted time would dull the pain he felt each time he thought of her.

He’d let the scent of her wash over him, reveling in her touch, and in soft words he didn’t believe. Nothing would make the ache go away, because it was pain borne of guilt as much as love. It was *his* fault that Dawn had been cut, that Buffy had been forced to die in her place. He hadn’t been quick enough, smart enough. He used to dream, every night, of saving her. Of doing something different, being faster, more clever. But every morning he’d wake up, and she’d still be dead.

In the end, it was Dawn who pulled him out of it. She harangued him about getting on with his life, having fun, meeting a nice vamp lady. When that didn’t work, she did the only thing that would have. She got on with her own life. When Spike found out that Dawn had gone on her first date without him knowing about it, much less having done a thorough background check on the boy in question, he realized he needed to live in the now. If for no other reason than to make sure Dawn was protected from the opposite sex.

He remembered how he’d roared when the witches told him she was out on a date, and then stalked through Sunnydale—slaying any demon unwise enough to cross his path—until he found her at the Dairy Land. He hid in the shadows and followed her until she was safely home. Deciding that was going to be the last time *that* happened, he made sure he knew who she was with and where she was going so he didn’t have to search for her next time.

For nearly five years he shared the Summers’ home with Willow, Tara, and Dawn, sleeping in the basement he’d helped Xander renovate. Despite the Council’s urging, Giles had remained in Sunnydale. He no longer had a Slayer to watch, but he owned a business and, as he’d told Quentin Travers, had a family to care for. He continued to run the Magic Box with Anya’s assistance.

Xander and Anya announced their engagement and, almost a year after Buffy’s death, got married. They decided to wait to have children so they could save up for a small house, as Anya explained in excruciating detail, showing Spike pictures of houses interspersed with sickeningly cute pictures of babies. Naked on a blanket, in frilly dresses and bonnets, sleeping, laughing, crying, until he was nearly in tears himself.

That phase ended, though Spike knew Anya had one of the baby pictures laminated and kept it in her wallet. He’d caught her mooning over it once, and she’d smiled sadly, then turned it over and showed him a small pencil drawing of a house Xander had designed, and called it their dream home. He shook his head. She’d wanted the ‘American Dream’ so badly.

Life went on as quietly as it could on the Hellmouth. The next year, Willow and Tara graduated from UC Sunnydale. Tara became a counselor for victims of demonic attacks and started a small coven. Willow went on to grad school and helped Tara with her coven duties. The year after that, Xander was promoted at work to Assistant Foreman. The following year, Dawn graduated from high school and made preparations to go to UCLA, where she’d be close to home if she needed them, and far enough away so they’d let her grow up, while everyone else made plans for the graduation party to end all graduation parties.

That summer, Anya got pregnant. Spike got a perverse pleasure out of seeing the ex-vengeance demon both giddy and fearful, and even more pleasure out of the way she drove Xander nuts with her baby books and lists. Xander could often be found hiding in Spike’s basement, and once made a joke about the irony of it. Spike, still evil, thank you, was quick to point out that his basement was nicer.

To Spike’s utter surprise, he and Xander had grown closer over the years since Buffy’s death. Another gradual process that culminated in the relationship they shared now. Spike saw the way Xander cared for his girls, the way he fought when there was no way he could win, and the way he used humor to defuse even the most tense situation. Xander once told him that he’d noted how Spike had stuck around to protect Dawn, extending his protection to all of them, even though Buffy wasn’t around to impress anymore, and it had made him question his deeply-held beliefs about the vampire.

One night, not long after returning from their honeymoon, a drunken Xander had confided that he’d hated Spike because, even though he had Anya, a small part of him had still been in love with Buffy, and he wasn’t sure what he’d have done if she’d chosen a vampire over him again. The next night, Xander had appeared in Spike’s basement looking sheepish, nervous, and angry. He’d asked Spike if he was going to tell Anya what Xander had said about Buffy.

Instead of taking offense, Spike had slapped him on the back and asked him if he wanted to go play pool, and then taken the basement stairs two at a time. "Does that mean ‘no’?" Xander’d yelled after him. He grinned at the memory of Xander practically running to keep pace with him as he headed for The Bronze, scuttling sideways and grabbing at his duster sleeve as he tried to pin Spike down.

Finally he’d stopped walking and turned to Xander. "Look, Harris," he’d said casually, "we’re friends, right?" Xander had looked at him with wide eyes, a deer in the headlight look, and then admitted that, yes, they were friends, he supposed. "Friends tell each other stuff," Spike said with a shrug, "and they can count on the other not to repeat it."

The worry on Xander’s face had slowly faded, and a small smile curved his lips. For the first time in...well, ever, he supposed...Spike had a male friend. From the look of relief and surprise on Xander’s face, Spike figured it had been a long time for him, too.

The girls let Xander use the shed in the back during the fall after Anya announced her pregnancy. He stocked it with the equipment he needed, and then made a cradle for the baby. Spike had watched him measure, cut, and sand each piece, grumbling when Xander put a rag in his hand, and then eagerly setting to work with the stain. When it was complete, both men proudly contemplated it.

Despite both working, Xander and Anya hadn’t been able to save enough for a down payment on a house that was within their price range, yet big enough for the family they envisioned. Now that Anya was pregnant and they had the expense of the baby to worry about, house hunting was placed on the back burner in favor of cleaning out the closet which would serve as the baby’s room until they got something else, and picking out furnishings, toys, blankets, and clothes.

Anya was in heaven when she wasn’t worried about how she could possibly screw up her ‘spawn’s’ life. Xander assured her that she would be a great mother, and recruited the rest of them to do the same, and then took his life into his own hands when he forbade her to watch any more daytime talk shows until after the baby came. The first time Anya had an ultrasound and they saw the baby, they came over to the house with the pictures which the girls ooh’d and aah’d over, though Spike thought it looked sort of like the monkey-demon they’d killed the week before. Xander’s hands were shaking when Spike stuck a glass of scotch in them.

***

Christmas that year was an especially festive occasion. Dawn was home after her first extended stay away from her family, and Anya was showing. Most of the gifts for Xander and Anya were for the baby, and many of the gifts from them to the others were handmade by Xander in his new workshop—a picture frame holding a picture of the entire group for Dawn, small compartmentalized boxes for the witches to hold their herbs, a small liquor cabinet with fancy scroll work for Giles, and a bedside table with one drawer and shelves to hold the books he thought he’d had well-hidden for Spike. January was depressing after the joy of the holidays, but Spike and Xander managed to spend some quality bonding time at The Bronze when Xander wasn’t busy trying to find the odd foodstuffs Anya was craving.

In February, a month before her due date, Anya started bleeding. She was at the Magic Box where she’d been doing light duty for the last month—she was afraid to leave Giles in charge of the cashbox—and Giles rushed her to the hospital. Giles tried frantically to reach Xander, but by the time he arrived at the hospital, the baby had been delivered and was in a premie incubator. Anya had lost too much blood to survive.

Giles met Xander in the doorway of the waiting area, his face streaked with tears. "G-man?" Xander had asked worriedly, looking behind the man he considered a father figure to his friends’ grim expressions.

"The baby’s fine," Giles told him. "But Anya... They couldn’t stop the bleeding. I’m so sorry, Xander."

Xander hadn’t broken down, not then. He’d gone to see Anya, to say his goodbyes, and then his friends had led him to the nursery. He and Anya had talked about names for the baby, Jesse if it was a boy, and Joyce or Elizabeth if it was a girl, and Anya’s last act, the only act she’d get to perform as a mother, was to name their baby. The card on the incubator read ‘Jesse-Joyce Elizabeth Harris’.

"Quite a mouthful for such a tiny bit of a thing," Spike observed as he stood next to Xander before the glass window, shoulders rubbing in a supportive manner.

"Yeah," Xander had given a half-laugh, "I hope it’s a girl," and then started crying. Spike gave him a manly pat on the shoulder and then stepped back by the Watcher’s side so the girls could smother him with love and compassion.

Xander visited the hospital everyday to hold and feed Jess, even the day they buried Anya. When she was allowed to go home three weeks later, Xander took time off so he could get used to being a father. A single father. The girls visited him each day, taking turns to hold, feed, and change the baby. Spike usually showed up after patrol, when he thought Xander and Jess would be alone. Each night he left later and later, until some mornings the sun was already coming up and he had no choice but to stay the day.

It didn’t take Spike long to realize that *this* was right where he wanted to be. Where he needed to be. Dawn was away at college, and the witches didn’t need him living in their basement. But Xander... Xander needed him. Jess needed him. He didn’t know how to broach the subject to Xander, so he didn’t. The next time he came to visit he brought an overnight bag...and never left.

Because Spike was normally up all night, he took the late-night, early-morning feedings, and then slept the rest of the day away while Xander spent time with Jess before Willow showed up after her classes. Tara joined her after work before they both headed over to the Magic Box for research. Spike would go with them and patrol before returning to Xander’s apartment to take his stint with Jess.

One night, after Spike had been living with Xander for a couple weeks, Xander stared at him funny when he returned to the apartment after patrol. "What?" he’d asked, checking himself over to make sure he didn’t have blood on him anywhere.

"Are you living here?" Xander had asked while he bounced Jess on his shoulder.

Spike froze, unsure in the face of Xander’s odd reaction. "Depends," he finally said.

"On what?" Xander asked.

"On how you feel about that," Spike admitted.

Xander stared at him. "Hmmm," he said, and then handed Jess to him and went to bed.

Jess had looked at him, gurgled, and smiled. Spike smiled back. "That went well," he whispered.

The next day the witches delivered the rest of Spike’s stuff from the basement. Xander went back to work after his eight weeks were up, and Spike stayed at the apartment to take care of Jess. When Xander got home from work, tired and sore, the three of them spent some time together, and then Spike went on patrol, leaving Xander and Jess alone for some father-daughter bonding.

Eventually, Xander got tired of being cooped up in the apartment and brought Jess to the Magic Box for research. Luckily there wasn’t a pending apocalypse, since no actual research got done that first night. Spike and Xander went on patrol like old times, while Giles and the witches watched Jess. After that evening, Xander made a point of attending research a couple times a week so he could get out once in a while.

***

Dawn, who had returned to Sunnydale briefly for Anya’s funeral, and for a week over spring break, came home for the summer. Willow finished grad school that year, and she and Tara got married in a commitment ceremony that was performed on the beach under the light of the moon. Spike held Jess while Xander danced with Willow and Tara, keeping one eye on Dawn who was dancing with a boy she’d dated in high school, and who was home for the summer just as she was.

Life continued to move forward, small changes sprinkling their lives. Dawn and Keith, the boy she’d danced with at Willow and Tara’s commitment ceremony, started seeing each other, Jess got her first tooth and learned to crawl, and the witches began talking about adopting. Jess spoke her first word. Luckily Spike and she were alone at the time, because it wasn’t ‘Dada’ as Xander thought, and Spike resolved to stop swearing around the baby.

They celebrated Jess’s first Christmas as a family. Dawn divided her holiday between spending time with Willow and Tara, helping out at the Magic Box, and hanging out with Xander, Spike, and the baby. Jess began to walk and turned one. Xander drove himself nuts planning the best birthday party for her, and after a day loaded with excitement, Jess fell asleep in Spike’s arms while Xander giddily opened her presents.

A couple months after her first birthday, Jess fell down and bloodied her lip when Spike wasn’t home. Xander freaked and raced her to the hospital. When Spike got home from patrol, he smelled blood and freaked in turn when he couldn’t find Xander and Jess, or a note. He was just calling the witches when he sensed his missing family coming down the hallway. He rushed to the door and yanked it open, admitting a white-faced Xander carrying a sleeping Jess.

"What happened? Where in hell have you *been*?" Spike asked, nearly whining due to the residual fear choking him. He reached out and ran a gentle finger over the small cut on her lip.

"Hospital," Xander whispered. "Just let me put her down."

Spike nearly vibrated out of his skin while waiting for Xander to return to the living room, wondering what could have happened to their little girl that meant Xander had to take her to the hospital without calling him. He checked his cell phone to make sure it was on and there weren’t any missed calls, and was just stuffing it back into his pocket when Xander appeared. He watched the other man stumble to the couch and drop onto it. He slouched forward with his elbows on his thighs and ran his fingers through his hair, making it stand up. Xander dropped his hands between his knees, and Spike could see they were shaking.

"Xan..."

"Sh-she fell," he said, his voice cracking. "We were playing. I twirled her around, and put her down, and... She must have still been dizzy but I didn’t... I mean, she smiled at me, and then she turned around and just...fell. She hit h-her face on the coffee table. Cut her lip." He huffed a self-deprecating laugh. "Didn’t even need stitches."

"Xan..."

"God, I *suck* at this!" he yelled, fingers once more in his hair. "I’m the worst father ever. Even worse than mine."

Spike shucked his jacket and jumped over the back of the couch. Xander barely registered him. He grabbed Xander’s arm and shook him. "Stop it," he commanded. "You’re not a bad father, much less the worst. In fact, you’re a great father."

"She got hurt because of me."

"Kids get hurt. It’s a fact of life. Yeah, scary as hell when it’s happening, but normal. She won’t even remember it tomorrow," he tried to reassure the other man.

"It could have been so much worse..."

"But it wasn’t."

Xander leaned forward and rubbed the corner of the table. "Maybe I should round the edges..."

Spike grabbed his fingers. "Yes, Xander, by all means, round the edges if that will make you feel better. But stop thinkin’ you’re a bad father. ‘Cause you’re not. You’re a great dad. The best bloody dad ever, in fact." He paused as his words sunk in. "I didn’t mean..."

"I know." Xander turned his hand so he was clutching Spike’s fingers. "Thanks for saying that..."

"‘M not just sayin’ it, Xander," Spike whispered urgently. "I mean it."

Xander just looked at him sadly.

"C’mere." Spike pulled Xander into a hug and leaned back against the couch.

"She’s so little."

"I know, pet."

"I don’t know what I’m doing."

"No one does first time out. But you’re smart, you’ll figure it out."

Xander sniffled. "Did you just say I’m smart?"

Spike shrugged. "Tell anyone and I’ll have to kill you."

A tear slid down Xander’s cheek. "I can’t do this alone. It’s too hard."

"You don’t have to."

"It’s not just... Being alone sucks, and I just..."

Spike gently wiped the tear away, and Xander closed his eyes. "You don’t have to be alone," he said softly. "Not if you... If you don’t..."

Spike hesitated, and then shook his head. This was the hardest thing he’d ever done. The most important thing he’d ever done. He couldn’t screw it up. But he wasn’t just nervous that Xander would turn him down, maybe ask him to leave so that he was no longer part of his life, of Jess’s life, he was also filled with shock and wonder.

He’d never realized, never imagined that his feelings for Xander ran so deep. Sure, they were friends, good friends. They shared a home, a child, a bed—though platonically. They watched movies together, played pool, shared beer and conversation, argued over whose turn it was to cook or change Jess’s diaper. And there might have been the occasional sexual fantasy that brought home just how long it had been since he’d had a good shag. He was almost afraid to ask for more. And surprised to realize he even *wanted* to ask for more.

"Spike?"

He turned back to see Xander looking at him with worried eyes. Hell! How could he even think of telling Xander what he was feeling? Not only might it irreparably harm their friendship, his timing was atrocious. Jess had been hurt and Xander was upset, he couldn’t take advantage of that.

"Spike?" Xander sounded concerned.

He shook his head and tried to smile. "Sorry, Xan, I..."

In a move he didn’t expect or see coming, Xander cupped his cheek, and then leaned into him and pressed their lips together. Spike, frozen in shock, didn’t respond. Xander pulled back.

"Sorry," he said, clearly embarrassed. "You didn’t..."

Spike grabbed him before he could move further away or finish his statement. "No, I did!"

"You did?"

"Yeah, I just..." Spike’s eyes drifted to Xander’s lips.

"Just what?"

"Didn’t want to take advantage."

"Why not? You keep telling me you’re evil," Xander teased.

"Afraid..."

"Of what?"

"Of...losing this." He indicated the apartment, their life.

Xander leaned close again, his breath feathering against Spike’s face, their lips almost touching. "What if I promise you won’t lose this?"

Spike moved closer, as if a magnet tugged at him. "I want more, Xander."

"More?" Xander asked against his lips.

"More than one night." Spike sucked on Xander’s bottom lip.

"Mmm, ‘kay," Xander agreed, then took Spike’s mouth in a desperate, hungry kiss.

An hour later, when they lay naked, sticky, and sated on Xander’s...their...bed, Spike asked, "Do we have to talk this to death?"

"Talk what to death?" Xander asked sleepily.

"This. Us. The male-male thing."

Xander’s eyes grew wide. "Wait, you mean you’re a man, too?"

"Shut up, tosser," Spike growled.

The next day was horrible. Spike shyly touched Xander’s hand before he left for work, and then spent the rest of the day worrying that Xander was having second thoughts. By the time Xander got home, Spike was a nervous wreck and his mood had infected Jess, who was whiny and crotchety. When Xander opened the door, Jess was throwing a tantrum and Spike was ready to pull his hair out.

"Xan!" he said when he saw the other man standing there, jaw dropped open in shock at the scene that greeted him.

"What’s going on?" Xander asked.

"Nothing," Spike said, ignoring the wailing child.

"Nothing?"

"Want tinky!" Jess sniffled.

"What?"

"Tinky!" she screeched angrily.

"Wha—?"

"She wants a bloody Twinkie," Spike said in a defeated tone, his shoulders slumping as he tossed a doll onto the couch.

"Spike..."

"You havin’ regrets?" he interrupted to ask, head bowed against the look he was afraid he’d see on Xander’s face.

"No. You?"

Spike closed his eyes, shook his head, and fought back tears of relief. He was a vampire. A bloody demon. An evil creature of the night. He would *not* cry.

"Spike?"

Spike opened his eyes and Xander was standing right in front of him, a worried expression on his face.

"‘M fine," he said, trying for breezy and casual, but failing miserably.

"Is this how I’m going to be greeted when I come home from now on? No hugs or welcome home kisses?" Xander teased.

Spike launched himself at Xander and scattered kisses all over his face. "Xander," he breathed, "so glad you’re home. Missed you, luv."

After a scary teeter, Xander planted his feet and laughed at Spike’s response, and then started giggling when Spike’s kisses became ticklish. "Spi—"

Spike cut him off by the expedient measure of covering Xander’s lips with his own. Xander groaned into his mouth and soon the kiss had taken on a life of its own. Hands squeezed his buttocks and lifted him, and Spike hooked his legs around Xander’s waist.

Unbeknownst to the two men who were totally wrapped up in their kissing, Jess’s complaints had died when no one listened to them. She interrupted them now. "Dada kiss!"

"Dada kiss!"

"Me!" She stomped her little foot angrily.

Spike and Xander pulled apart and looked at each other sheepishly before disentangling themselves so Xander could greet Jess. That night at the Magic Box, Jess announced, "Dada kiss!"

Xander grinned, Spike blushed, and Willow cooed, "Oh, that’s so cute! Give Daddy a kiss."

Xander cast a challenging glance at Spike. Not one to let a challenge pass, Spike smirked back at him. "All right," he said to Willow, still looking at Xander, and then leaned over and placed a kiss on Xander’s waiting lips, still curved in a smile.

Jess laughed. The rest of the table fell silent. "Dada kiss!" she cried again, obviously loving this new game.

Xander kissed Spike. They pulled apart and turned to look at the stunned faces sitting around the research table. "Everyone all right with that?" Xander asked softly.

"Dada kiss!" Jess chirped happily.

"Of course," Tara immediately replied in her soft voice.

Willow’s mouth gaped. She just nodded slowly.

Tara slid out of her chair and pulled a speechless Willow after her. She seated herself on Spike’s lap and pushed Willow towards Xander. "But what about our kisses?" she asked.

Spike grinned at her, and then gave her a quick peck on the lips and a longer hug. Tara smiled back, and then looked at Willow and Xander, who were both staring at them. "Well?" she asked. "Hurry up and get your kiss from Xander so I can get mine!"

Willow slowly broke into a smile, and then leaned in and kissed Xander softly on the lips, cradling his face. "I love you," she whispered. "Are you happy?"

Xander nodded, blinking back tears. "I love you, too. And very," he said.

Willow nodded, and then hugged him. Jess didn’t let them ignore her for long, and then they were all kissing Jess, while Tara sneaked a kiss from Xander and Willow ended up on Spike’s lap. "If you hurt him...," she whispered.

"I won’t," he assured. "Not on purpose, anyway."

When the girls were seated back in their chairs Xander turned to Giles. "G-man?"

Giles looked startled. "Of course...," he began.

"You ready for your kisses?"

"...I, er, um, what?" he asked, removing his glasses.

"I just wondered if you wanted us to kiss you, too," Xander replied with a smirk.

"Oh, um, no, I don’t think a kiss will be nec—," he began as he slipped his glasses back on.

"Kiss!" Jess insisted.

"Well," Giles said. "For you, I might be willing to change my mind."

Xander let Jess go and she crawled across the table to Giles, who merely shoved his book aside and held his hands out to her.

***

Dawn came home that summer and worked at the Magic Box. She and Keith had broken up and she was now casually dating someone named Deke. Spike grilled her on Deke, whom he had never met, every chance he got. When he threatened to hire a private investigator to check Deke out, Dawn suggested he hire Angel Investigations, which shut him up immediately, though not for long.

Mostly, Dawn just smiled and answered all his questions, then grilled him on his relationship with Xander, which had come as a surprise to her when one evening she followed Spike and Xander into the training room and found them pressed against each other trying to ‘find their tonsils’, as she put it when, to Spike’s disgust, she’d had to tell the witches what she’d witnessed.

"Dawn!" Spike had squeaked when he realized they had an audience.

"Dawnie," Xander said, trying for a deeper, manlier sound, and almost achieving it.

Dawn had stood in shocked silence, and then a grin slowly split her face. "So," she said, waggling her fingers at them, "you two?"

"Ummm, yes?" Spike said, and Xander elbowed him in the side. "I mean, *yes*," Spike repeated with a little more certainly, slipping an arm around Xander’s waist.

Dawn had just stared at them disconcertingly, and then rushed from the room with a tinkle of laughter. "Dawn?" Spike called after her. "Dawn!"

The two men ran after her, reaching the front room just in time to hear Dawn squeal, "Did you all know Spike and Xander were doing it?"

"Oh bloody hell," Spike groaned.

"Doing what?" Giles had asked, blushing at the telling silence that reigned after his statement. "Oh, that. Yes, well...we try not to think too deeply on it..."

"They were just kissing in the back!" Dawn interrupted him. "Wow. Who knew two men kissing could be so *hot*?"

"Not us!" "Nope, definitely not us! Really?" Tara and Willow both hastily denied, glancing at each other and blushing.

"Thank you so much for that mental image," Giles groused, removing his glasses and wiping them clean as he undoubtedly wished he could do to his mind.

"Dada kiss!" Jess added.

"So," Dawn said as she dropped into one of the chairs, "are all vampires bi?"

"What?" Spike yelled.

"Oh ‘ell," Jess muttered.

"What did she just say?" Xander asked.

Caught between a rock and a hard place, Spike turned to Dawn. "Why do you ask, Bit?"

"Well, you know, with Angel and Wesley..."

She was interrupted by Giles choking on his tea.

"Wesley?" Willow asked. "Watcher Wesley? Kinda dorky? That Wesley?"

"Did she just swear?" Xander asked.

"Yeah, that Wesley," Dawn said. "You okay, Giles?"

"Yes," he managed to choke out. "Please, do continue," he said facetiously, waving one hand at her while wiping up spilled tea with the other.

"Well, you know, after Cordy and Angel had their thing..."

"What?" Xander yelped. "Cordy and deadboy?"

"Yeah," Dawn said. "You know, he really doesn’t like that nickname."

"Really?" Xander asked sarcastically.

"Yeah. Anyway, in a nutshell, Cordy and Angel had a momentary fling, decided they were better friends than lovers..."

"Oh, god," Xander moaned.

"...and then Angel and Wesley got together. Though I don’t think it was quite that easy, but they don’t talk about it. Anyway, they fight like cats and dogs, and then go upstairs to work it out. Please," she scoffed. "Like we don’t all know they’re having sex."

"Oh, god," Xander moaned again. "And did my little girl just swear? Spike?" he whined.

***

Spike remembered the first time Xander had gotten hurt after they were together. Tara and Giles were researching and watching the girls while Spike, Xander, Willow, and Dawn went on patrol. They hadn’t heard anything about a new demon visiting the Hellmouth, but there had been some suspicious deaths over the last couple of nights, which were what Giles and Tara were researching.

Willow and Dawn were chatting quietly while they walked through the cemetery. Xander, their relationship still new enough to warrant the look of wonder he kept directing at Spike, walked beside the vampire, the back of their hands brushing.

In the park, the scent of blood and death assailed Spike’s nostrils. He paused and held up his hand for silence. Everyone froze. A snuffling noise reached his ears, and then a chilling ‘crunch!’ It sounded as if they’d come upon some beastie making a meal of whatever it had killed. Spike’s nose told him the victim was human and he wished he could spare the others the sight that most likely awaited them.

"There’s somethin’ back there," he whispered to the others. "Big and ugly by the sounds of it." He paused. "It’s already made another kill," he told them.

"How...?" Xander’s voice trailed off as he took in the expression on Spike’s face. "Oh," he said, swallowing hard and paling.

"Stay behind me," Spike said brusquely. "Be careful." His eyes took them all in, but lingered on Xander’s face before he turned and loped towards the bushes.

The demon had been big and ugly, but impeded by its lumbering gait and eyes set too close together to have much peripheral vision, it wasn’t much of a fighter. Spike had everything under control with the demon until the shifty bugger revealed a tail it had kept hidden inside a fold in its body, and swept him off his feet. The last he knew, Xander and Willow were comforting Dawn, who had caught a glimpse of the demon’s latest meal, so he was very surprised when the other man jumped between him and the demon.

Another swipe of the powerful tail lashed Xander in the side and sent him flying through the air to land heavily in a fall that knocked the breath out of his lungs in a loud, ‘oomph!’

"Stupid soddin’ git," Spike growled as he regained his feet. He wasn’t sure if he was more angry with Xander or the demon. He threw his axe and lopped the demon’s tail off. The demon squealed in pain and tried to run. Spike, high on adrenaline and an instinctive need to protect his family, hacked at the demon, cutting through its tough hide and slowing it down even more. A few more swipes and the demon was on the ground, hamstrung. Spike took great pleasure in cutting the demon’s head off.

When the demon was dead, he turned to Xander. Willow and Dawn were helping him sit up. "Are you all right?" he asked as he ran over to him.

"Yeah, I think so," Xander said, wincing and grasping his side. "Ribs hurt a little. You?"

"You’d better be," Spike said, brandishing the gore encrusted axe, "or I’ll kill you myself." He helped Xander to stand and they began their trek back to the Magic Box where Spike checked Xander out thoroughly to make sure he hadn’t been cut or broken a bone.

The two men cleaned up before gathering Jess and her diaper bag and heading home. Spike was silent during the drive, fuming. He made sure Xander and Jess were safely in the apartment, Jess snugly tucked into bed, and then told Xander, "I’m goin’ out."

"Out? Wha—where?"

"For a walk." Spike knew he was being short and uncommunicative, but he couldn’t shake the images of Xander lying dead on the ground.

"Now?"

"Need to kill somethin’," he’d growled. Preferably not his lover.

Xander had stared at him in shock. "You’re going back out? Alone? Why?"

"Because kickin’ your ass would set off the chip," he’d snarled angrily.

Xander’s eyes had widened. "Wha—?"

"You could have been *killed*!"

"So could you!" Xander retorted.

"I’m a vampire, Xander. I’m stronger than you, faster than you, and I heal more quickly than you." He poked Xander’s side.

"You’re mad at me because I tried to help you?" Xander looked confused, which pissed Spike off even more for some reason.

"I’m mad because I could have *lost* you!" he nearly yelled, surprised at himself for admitting it.

"But you didn’t," Xander replied softly, reasonably.

"No thanks to you!"

Xander ignored Spike’s outburst and continued. "Don’t you think I worry about you, too?"

"I’m harder to kill than you are, Xander."

"Doesn’t make it any easier to watch you get hurt," Xander said earnestly, "and don’t try to tell me you weren’t hurt tonight."

"But I’m nearly bloody healed. Are you?" He prodded Xander’s bruised side again.

Xander slapped at his hands. "Might be if you’d stop poking me!"

Spike couldn’t believe they were having this conversation. He turned to leave.

"Please don’t leave," Xander pleaded in a small voice. "I’m sorry if I scared you, but you scared me, too. I don’t want to lose you, either."

Spike’s anger deflated.

"I know I’m not as good a fighter as you, but I can’t stay home knowing you’re out there."

Spike turned back to face Xander. "Pet..."

"I can’t promise I won’t get hurt again, and I can’t just stop worrying about you, but I’ll try to be more careful. I will, I don’t know, take lessons, or something. I’ll..."

"Xander, luv, don’t." Spike could see that Xander was getting worked up.

"Please don’t leave me," he said, a lone tear breaking free and tracking down his face. "I couldn’t bear it if you left, too."

Spike’s heart thumped. "Oh, Xander, luv, I’m not gonna leave." He couldn’t take the waves of misery pouring off his lover. He enveloped Xander in a hug. "Not gonna leave."

"Sorry, Spike, I’m sorry..."

"No, my fault. ‘S okay. Shh, I’ve got you, pet."

WHAT BROUGHT US HERE 2