"Harris," Spike responded, and then looked away to order a scotch with a beer chaser. Silence reigned - except for the shrill screaming of the band and the voices raised to be pitched above the sound of what was passing for music - while Spike waited for his drinks. When they arrived, he drank the scotch in one swallow, and then took a swig of the beer.

"Where’s the rest of your little band of Scoobies?" Spike asked snarkily.

"Don’ know," Xander replied, sipping his own beer.

"All alone, are we?" Spike asked with a smirk, looking like he was just getting ready to settle in for a little Xander-bashing.

"Sod off," Xander said before Spike could insult him. He really didn’t need this. "Women suck," he added, not realizing he’d spoken aloud.

"Ahhh," Spike said with an understanding nod of his head. "Drowning our sorrows, are we? Correct me if I’ve got this wrong, but didn’t *you* leave *her* at the altar?" he asked with a satisfied grin, and then took a drink of beer.

"Who invited you to this pity-party?" Xander asked, finishing his beer.

"Didn’t realize it was a private party," Spike said, glancing meaningfully around the crowded bar.

"Well, you’re really ruining the mood," Xander said.

"God forbid," Spike said, raising a disdainful eyebrow. "Actually, I’m really enjoying myself. This is the best time I’ve had all night. Should’ve stopped in here first," he said, signaling for another round without looking away from Xander. "Nothing better than seeing Xander Harris down on his luck. Or downer. Honestly didn’t think you could sink any lower, Harris."

Xander didn’t respond, just lifted the fresh beer the bartender placed in front of him to his lips.

"What? Nothing to say? Hmm, maybe this won’t be as much fun as I thought," Spike said, downing the scotch.

"Look," Xander said in the voice he used when he tried to explain some human ‘ritual’ to Anya. "I have no intention of discussing my problems with you and, trust me on this, nothing you can say to me could possibly make me feel any worse than I do now. Fangless." Xander got his own barb in, and then took another swig of beer.

"And," Xander added, feeling suddenly brave. "Who’re you to talk? You spent over one hundred years with looney Dru. And then *she* left *you*. And just one word. Harmony. *And*!" Xander pointed at Spike and almost fell off the stool. "You fell in love with the Slayer. Talk about pitiful. You’re right, Spike. You *should* have come in earlier. I feel better now. Thanks."

"Shut up," Spike said, chugging the rest of his beer.

A couple of beers later, Xander was leaning on Spike’s arm. "Shoulda known. Never had luck with girls. There was the praying mantis." He counted on his fingers. "And the mummy girl, and Anya. All non-humans. Well, Anya was human, but she’d been a demon for eleven hundred years. And she had a lot of gross stories. Oh, wait, there was Cordelia!" he added excitedly, and then deflated. "But I’m not sure if she was entirely human, either. No human girls for Xander. Willow was right. I am a demon magnet."

Spike’s head lowered until it was resting against the top of Xander’s head. "Yep, women suck," he agreed sadly.

Xander felt Spike’s face in his hair, and tilted his head back. "Did you just sniff my hair?" he asked indignantly.

"No!" Spike hotly denied.

"You touched my hair!" Xander accused.

"Couldn’t help it," Spike said. "You were boring me to sleep."

Xander made a face. "I’m outta here," he said, sitting up and swinging off the stool. He carefully staggered through the crowd and to the door. He stepped outside, relishing the cool spring air, and leaned against the blessedly cool metal siding of the building, giving himself a moment to regain his equilibrium. He briefly wondered if he was gonna hurl.

He looked up startled when Spike stepped out of the bar, duster swirling about him as he looked up and down the sidewalk.

"What’re you looking for?" Xander asked, and Spike twirled around.

"You. Git," Spike replied. "Slayer’d have my guts for garters if I let you walk home alone."

"Now that just might be worth it," Xander said, trying not to moan. Death had to be better than the way he felt now; his head pounding, his stomach threatening to heave.

"Wanker," Spike muttered, as he pulled out a crumpled pack of cigarettes and tapped one out. He lit the cigarette, took a long drag, and then blew the smoke out. "Not carryin’ ya," he said.

"Keep your hands to yourself," Xander replied, straightening up.

Spike just rolled his eyes and started walking. "Comin’?" he called back over his shoulder.

Xander wondered if he could catch up to the blond vampire and wack him upside the head with a heavy board. He wondered if he could lift a heavy board. Without a word, he took one tentative step, and then another, following the vamp who was leading the way to Xander’s apartment. Empty apartment.

Women suck, he thought again.

A couple of blocks before they reached the safety of Xander’s apartment, three vamps appeared out of nowhere. Fuck, Xander thought. This could not be happening to him. First Spike invaded his...his *wallow*, and now this. Stupid, freaking vampires! Xander reached into his jacket pocket for the stake he always carried.

"Boys," Spike drawled, drawing on the cigarette he held between two fingers. "Somethin’ I can help you with?"

"You can get out of our way," the one in the lead said. "We just want him." It nodded towards Xander.

"Oh," Spike said with a shrug. "If that’s all." He stepped aside, leaving the way to Xander clear.

"Spike!" Xander protested shrilly, his eyes big.

The three vampires laughed. "Looks like you know what’s good for you," the leader said between guffaws. "Why don’t you mosey on, now, while we share dinner." All three vampires looked at Xander hungrily; salivating.

"Don’t mind me," Spike replied, taking another drag.

"Spike!" Xander cried again. "You undead bastard! I’m telling Buffy," he added petulantly.

Spike rolled his eyes again. "How?" he asked.

Xander thought about that for a moment, his alcohol-fogged brain clearing rapidly. "From the dead?" he squeaked, taking a step back as one vampire took a step towards him.

"Right," Spike said, dropping the cigarette onto the ground and grinding it out beneath his boot. "You’re gonna owe me for this." Spike did a spin kick, knocking one of the vampires down, and then punched another, throwing it back. The third attacked Xander, and he backed up, tripping over a crack in the sidewalk.

The vampire leaned over him and reached out. Xander scrabbled backwards to get away from it. Before the vampire could grab hold of him, it dissipated into a cloud of dust. Spike smirked at him, and then returned to the other two vampires. Once Xander’s racing heart slowed down, he realized that neither he nor Spike were in any danger. In fact, the blond vampire was *toying* with the other two!

Xander watched in amazement from his seat on the grass as Spike danced around the two vampires, kicking and punching. He received his fair share of blows, but they only made his grin wider, his moves faster. When the fighting finally slowed down, Spike sighed deeply in disappointment, and staked the other two vamps in quick succession. He turned to Xander.

"Ready?" he asked.

Xander just stared at him.

"Yo, Harris." Spike waved his hand in front of Xander’s face.

"Stop that!" Xander slapped at the offending hand, but Spike pulled it back before he could connect.

"Get your big bum up and let’s get goin’ then," Spike said.

"Hey!" Xander said, as he climbed to his feet. "My bum, er, butt’s not big!"

"Whatever," Spike said in obvious disbelief before moving off.

"It’s not!" Xander insisted, following the hyper vampire at a safe distance. "What’s the matter with you, anyway?" he asked.

"Nothin’ wrong with me, pillock," Spike said.

"Then why’re you...skipping and dancing..."

Spike turned on him. "I don’t skip," he growled. "And the only dancing I do, is the dance of death."

"Oh, give it up, used-to-be-bad," Xander said, and then turned and continued down the sidewalk.

"I get this chip out..."

"I know," Xander interrupted. "You’ll kill us all. And I’m first on your list. I’ve heard it all before. Christ, my head is killing me," he muttered. "And I’m giving up on women. No more women for Xander. Who needs ‘em, anyway? Well," he added after a moment. "Except for sex."

"Don’t need ‘em for that, either," Spike commented from beside him, and Xander jumped.

"Jesus!" he swore, grabbing at his chest. "Make a noise, would ya? And, yeah, ya do. I mean, after a while, the hand just ain’t gonna cut it. And I can’t believe I just said that. I have definitely had too much to drink."

"Wasn’t suggesting you take care of it yourself, Harris. Just...maybe you should start batting for the other team," Spike said.

"What?" Xander stopped walking and stared at the blond.

"If girls don’t seem to be workin’ for ya..."

"Girls work just fine for me!" Xander insisted, as his face got red with anger, and not a little embarrassment.

"Not what you’ve been saying all night," Spike reminded him. "Women suck," he said in a high pitched voice. "I’m a demon magnet."

"Shut. Up."

"I’m just saying, maybe a guy would rev your engine. And stick around, like," Spike tried to explain.

"I. Do. Not. Like. Men."

"How d’ya know?" Spike asked.

"What?" Xander yelled, shaking his head in amazement at the turn the conversation had taken.

"Have you tried it?"

"No, I haven’t tried it! I like girls!" Xander continued in his ‘outdoor voice’.

"Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it, Pet," Spike said nonchalantly, and then turned and continued walking.

Xander stared after him. "And you have, I suppose?" he called.

Spike just twisted his head around and smirked.

"You have *not*!" Xander said.

Spike began to whistle.

"Spike!" When the vampire ignored him, Xander ran to catch up. Just as he reached him, Spike turned and grabbed him, shoving him across the grass and up against the wrought iron fence surrounding the cemetery they were passing.

"I could show ya," he offered. Xander looked into eyes black with desire.

"Wha-what’re you doing?" Xander asked.

"Fightin’ gets the blood pumpin’," Spike said, pressing his groin against Xander’s.

Xander’s eyes widened when Spike’s erection pressed into him; when he realized what Spike was talking about, what he was offering to show him. "I don’t think..."

"No need to think, Xan-der," Spike purred, drawing Xander’s name out. "Just feel," he whispered in Xander’s ear, as he moved his hips seductively, rubbing his hard flesh over Xander.

"Spike...," Xander began, placing his hands against Spike’s chest to push him back. When he encountered the firm flesh his fingers automatically closed, digging into the hard muscles. He felt Spike’s nipples harden beneath his palms.

"Spike, this is...," Xander tried again. Spike ignored his words. He turned Xander around and pressed him against the fence. His hand slipped between the iron railings and around Xander’s body, and he began to rub his hand over Xander’s stomach, and then lower, his other hand braced on Xander’s hip.

"When you’re hot and hard," Spike continued softly, unnecessary breath tickling Xander’s ear, "it doesn’t matter whose hand is stroking you, pulling you."

Xander wanted to tell Spike to stop. He wanted to push him off him. Spike had the stupid chip, so he couldn’t hurt Xander. Instead, he felt himself push back against the hard column of flesh that was pressing into his ass, tilt his head to the side so Spike’s lips could brush his neck, and groan when Spike’s fingers began to unbutton his jeans.

Xander grabbed the iron railings and held on so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He moaned as Spike pulled the zipper down, and then whimpered as Spike’s cool hand pushed his boxers down and wrapped around his cock, which had come to life somewhere between the startling realization of what exactly Spike wanted to ‘show him’ and now, when Spike drew it out of his jeans.

I’m drunk, he thought, as Spike began to slowly stroke his cock. Drunk, passed out, and dreaming, ‘cause this is *not* happening. Wait, not dreaming, ‘cause I wouldn’t dream about Spike... "Ahhh!" Xander cried, as Spike drew his nail over the tip of Xander’s weeping head. "Wha...!"

"You weren’t paying attention, Pet," Spike said.

"I was! I mean, I am! Oh, Christ," he groaned, as Spike loosely fisted him, just enough to tease and keep him wanting more, but not enough to give him the friction he needed for release. "Spike, please," he pleaded.

"Are you with me, Pet?" Spike asked, letting go of Xander’s swollen and weeping cock, and cupping his balls.

"Yes!" Xander insisted, pushing back as Spike ground his erection into Xander’s ass.

Spike took Xander’s hard flesh back in hand, and Xander began to rock his hips as he fucked Spike’s hand, rubbing his ass against the other man’s erection each time he pulled back.

"Feels good, doesn’t it, Xan?" Spike asked, as he moved the hand on Xander’s hip up his body and beneath the t-shirt. Xander gasped when cool flesh met heated, and then cried out and began to pump his hips faster when Spike ran his thumb over a hardened nub, and then gently rolled and pinched it.

"Doesn’t it?" Spike asked again, pinching a little harder, when Xander’s only reply was an increase in his panting breaths.

"Yes, yes!" Xander replied, gulping for air. "It feels...oh, God...good!"

Spike tightened his grip; Xander mewled and reached around behind him with one hand to grasp Spike’s ass, the other clutching the iron railing for dear life as he moved his hips. In and out of Spike’s hand; back against his groin. Spike began to nuzzle his neck, licking and sucking and blowing cool air, and the added sensation was enough to bring Xander to the edge. He felt his balls lift and tighten.

"Fuck, Spike! I’m gonna..."

"Gonna come, Xander?" Spike purred. Christ, who knew Spike’s voice could sound so...sexy?

"Yes!" Xander was very nearly crying with the pain and pleasure of it. He felt his cock fill, and then pulse in   Spike’s hand as the hot fluid arced into the air to land on the ground in front of him and Spike’s hand around him. "Ohh, fuck, Spike," Xander groaned, as Spike milked him dry, stopping just before it became too painful for Xander to bear.

Spike lifted his hand slowly, and brought it to his mouth. Xander twisted his head to follow its progress. Spike stuck his tongue out and licked at the thick release coating his hand while he continued to grind himself against Xander’s ass. Xander whimpered as he watched Spike taste his essence, and then Spike was offering his hand to Xander.

Xander stared at the hand before him, and then licked Spike’s thumb, clearing a path up the edge. He then took the entire thumb into his mouth and suckled it clean. He heard Spike moaning behind him. Without thinking, Xander reacted to the emotions and sensations cascading through his body.

He let go of Spike’s hand and turned in Spike’s arms, dislodging both hands, and then turned them both, shoving Spike’s back against the wrought iron fence he’d been gripping tightly just moments before. With one hand on Spike’s chest to hold him in place, eyes locked together, Xander undid Spike’s belt one-handed, and then slipped the button and unzipped his jeans.

Xander watched Spike begin to breathe; harsh, panting, unnecessary breaths. He grinned as he reached inside Spike’s jeans, unhindered by boxers, and freed his swollen cock. Spike groaned as Xander wrapped his fingers around the other man, running his thumb through the pre-ejaculate coating the tip, dipping it into the slit, and then pressing it against the bundle of nerves below the bulbous head.

Spike’s hands came up and grasped Xander’s shoulders, and then moved into his hair, combing through it and digging into his scalp. Spike pulled him close and kissed him as he moved his hips, pressing himself into Xander’s hand. His lips were cool, a balm to the fever Xander felt raging through him. When Spike’s tongue touched his lips, Xander parted them, and sucked the cool flesh into his mouth.

Spike groaned again, and Xander snapped. He pressed his chest against Spike, trapping the other man between his body and the fence, and then began to pump the hard flesh as they continued to kiss. No more light, teasing touches; Xander’s strokes were firm and purposeful. He wanted to hear Spike cry out, watch his face as he came.

Within moments, Xander heard a keen deep in Spike’s throat, and then he was roaring as the cock in Xander’s hand filled and pulsed, shooting thick, creamy fluid between them. When Spike was spent, his cock softening in Xander’s hand, Xander gently released him. He slowly lifted his hand to his mouth, making sure Spike saw him do it, and licked at the come coating his hand.

Spike’s eyes grew big as Xander licked and swallowed, and then Xander extended his hand to Spike. Spike looked between Xander’s hand and his eyes, and then grabbed his hand, holding it steady as he licked it clean, and then sucked on each finger for good measure. By the time Spike was done, Xander was getting hard again.

Spike smirked at him as if he knew, and rocked his hips. Spike was hard again, too.

"Why don’t we take this back to your place, Pet?" Spike suggested. "There’s so many things I could still show you," he added, his voice low, seductive, dangerous.

Xander knew he should say ‘no’. Despite what they had just done, he didn’t have sex with guys. He never had, nor had he ever wanted to. But, God, he wanted to have sex with Spike! He’d never felt so sexy or...wanted, as he had when Spike pushed him up against the fence and started touching him. Nor could he remember ever wanting to touch anyone as much as he had wanted to touch Spike. And though they had both come once already, he still wanted to.

The thought of seeing Spike naked, of seeing the chest the tight t-shirt barely hid, or the ass that filled out his jeans so perfectly, made Xander’s mouth go dry. "All right," he said, his voice husky, rather than the squeaky he’d thought it would be.

The look of relief in Spike’s eyes made Xander want to kiss him again, and so he did. When Spike got over the surprise, he enthusiastically returned the kiss. Xander finally pulled away to gasp in a breath of air, and pulled his jeans together. "You might wanna fix that." He grinned at Spike, indicating the other man’s open jeans.

"God, what a mess!" Xander laughed, as the two men stuffed themselves back into their jeans, and zipped back up.

Spike reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a cloth which he used to wipe their hands and the front of their shirts off. He tossed the rag, which looked suspiciously like a pair of Buffy’s panties, on the ground, took Xander’s hand, and began walking towards the apartment that had been their destination before they got sidetracked.

"So, Pet," Spike said as they walked. "Ever wonder what a blow job from someone who doesn’t have to breathe feels like?"