"Going on a vacation then."

 

I see his shoulders tense and realize I'm not going to like what he has to say.

 

"I'm going to Sunnydale.   Five earthquakes in the last five days.   Someone's trying to open the Hellmouth again."

 

"Isn't someone always?   How long we gonna be gone?"

 

He turns to me slowly, his face shuttered.

 

"Not we, me.   I'm doing this one alone."

 

"It's been five years, Angel.   I can handle going back."

 

He turns away from me and there are days I hate being able to read my Sire so well.   There's a reason he doesn't want me to go and I'm going to play hell getting it out of him.

 

"I need you here.   I don't know how long I'll be gone."

 

"What aren't you telling me?   Why don't you want me to go?"

 

"Will, please, leave it alone.   Just stay here.   Let me go and do-"

 

"What aren't you telling me?"

 

There's a sense of unease growing in my stomach and for the first time in over 130 years I feel like I'm going to throw up.   Something is wrong.   Something is very, very wrong.   Something that involves Xander.   Just the thought of his name is like a fist closing around my throat.  

 

It's been a year years since the dreams have stopped.   Two years since I've stopped waking up screaming his name.   Five years since I've seen his face and the last time we were together is etched so deeply in my brain that I don't even have to close my eyes to recall it.

 

"He's with someone."

 

"With someone?"

 

I hear my voice crack, feel my knees give out.   I know Angel is leading me to the bed to sit but all I can feel is the numbness that's creeping in on me.  

 

"William, don't."

 

I stand.   Coldness like I've never known creeps into me.

 

"I'm going."

 

"No."

 

"Yes."

 

The word is snarled through hissing teeth and yellow eyes.   I will go and even Angelus can't keep me here.   I hear his sigh of resignation.   He knows either I go with him or show up after him.   His shoulders sink.

 

"Be ready in fifteen minutes."

 

* * * * * * * * * * *

 

Halfway there I finally feel the numbness start to wash away.

 

"How long?"

 

I feel him tense before he answers.

 

"Over a year.   I don't know exactly when it started."

 

Pain rips through me as I think of Xander with someone else.   Someone else touching him.   Someone else sharing his days and nights.   Someone else making him laugh.   Does he still laugh?   Has he learned to overcome the hideousness that I visited upon him?

 

"Who?"

 

"Will."

 

"Damn it, Angel.   Just bloody tell me already."

 

I watch his hands tighten on the steering wheel.

 

"His name is Devon .   He knew Xander in high school.   He was the singer of the band that Oz was in.   He showed up in Sunnydale looking for Oz about two years ago.   He didn't find Oz."

 

"No, he found Xander instead.   Is he happy?"

 

The car swings to the side of the road.   Cutting off the engine, Angel turns to me.

 

" Willow says he is.   I didn't want to do this, Will.   Not this way."

 

Oh Christ, there's more.   I try to keep my hands from shaking as I search for my cigarettes.   Suddenly I just want to go home.   I don't want to know any of this.  

 

"What else."

 

"They're planning a commitment ceremony."

 

His voice, barely above a whisper reaches me and then I'm out the door.   No, this isn't happening.   This is all one of those dreams I wake up from screaming.   This isn't real.  

 

"He's a vampire, he can't...he can't.   Oh God, Angel, tell me he can't.   Please, tell me he can't."

 

I feel myself sinking to the ground, tears streaming down my face as harsh sobs expel from my mouth.   Angel's arms come around me rocking me, trying to quite me.

 

"That's it William, let it out."

 

I'm dying.   This has to be what it feels like.   This pain that's tearing me apart.   This is what dying is like.   I let Angel's purring lull me.   I feel his hands at the back of my head leading my mouth to his neck.   His message is clear.   I let my fangs sink into his neck and calm warmth closes around me.   I'm safe, safe in my Sire's arms and nothing can hurt me.   Nothing can reach me here.   I let the blackness wash over me.

 

**********************************************************************************************

 

The car stopping is what wakes me.   Within seconds pain binds around my chest as I remember where we are and what is going to take place here eventually.   Looking around I realize we’re outside Buffy’s house and Angel is staring at me.

 

“What.”

 

“Are you ready?”

 

“Is he…”

 

“No. I called ahead.   He won’t be here tonight.”

 

The words he doesn’t say are resounding in my brain.   He won’t be here at all as long as I am.   I steel myself forcing the anguish away.

 

“Right then, what are we waiting for.”

 

As much as the news about Xander tears me apart, I left others behind and I’ve missed them.

 

Willow is out the door and running toward me, red hair flying, before I’m halfway up the walk.

 

“Spike!”

 

Her arms land around my neck and I bury myself in her arms and scent.  

 

“You look good, Red.   How’s the magics?”

 

She takes my hand and drags me to the house.

 

“Oh my God. You have to see this spell I did for Buffy.   You know how she’s always complaining about demon goo all over her clothes.   It’s like this protective bubble while she fights and poof, no more stains.   It’s so cool.”

 

I let her laughter infect me.   Let it wash away the hurt.   I can do this.   I can accept this.   I have to.

 

Dawn, followed closely by Buffy come to greet me, both with enthusiastic hugs and smiles.   Once inside the living room I take stock and stop.   Spread on the coffee table is a photo album and dozens of pictures.   Pictures of Xander and another man.   I feel my body start to shake and try to will it away.   Not going to do this. Not going to fall apart.  

 

I hear Dawn gasp as she picks up my gaze.

 

“Oh God, oh God.   We…It’s for…I’m sorry, Spike. Oh God.”

 

I watch Buffy and Dawn quickly gather up the scissors, pictures and album all but running from the room.

 

Willow ’s hand caresses my neck and then gently flits through my hair pulling me back from the brink of insanity.

 

“’M okay.   Just…took my by surprise, that’s all.   Angel told me.”

 

“Spike, I—“

 

“Shh, none of that now.   Tell us about these earthquakes.”

 

Four hours later I have to get out.   I can’t stay here a second longer.   The looks, the sympathy, the closely guarded conversation are all driving me insane.   I have to get out.

 

“Gonna go for a walk, check out the sights.”

 

Angels starts to stand and I shake my head at him.   I need this time alone.  

 

I find myself outside of Xander’s building looking up at his bedroom window.   All the lights are out.   He’s either not home or he’s in bed.   With him.   I won’t let the pain in.  

 

I don’t know how long I stand there before a sound forces me into the shadows.   I see a figure in the darkness closely enfolded with another.   A shape I’d know anywhere.

 

Every part of me knows I need to turn and go.   As they pass under a street light, I see his face for the first time in five years.   Happy, eyes shining, laughter easing from him.

 

The closer they get the more it feels like I’m suffocating.   Interesting trick for a creature that doesn’t breathe.

 

They stop at the entrance to the building.   The other, Devon , standing on the first step as Xander stands in front him.   Their lips come together as hands settle.   Xander slides his hands up into Devon ’s hair holding tight, pushing the kiss deeper, harder.

 

His head tips back as Devon ’s lips leave a trail of wetness along Xander’s chin, and down his throat.

 

“God, I want you.”

 

Xander’s rough voice reaches me and sharp pain twists inside of me.

 

“I love you, Xander.”

 

“Me too.”

 

I’m only comforted by the fact that he doesn’t return the actual words, at least not tonight, right now, where they could possibly turn me to dust where I stand.

 

I wait until they’re in the building before making a quick exit.  

 

Once I’m back at Buffy’s I seek Angel out.

 

“I’m leaving.”

 

“You’ve seen them.”

 

It’s not a question.   He sees the truth of it in my eyes.

 

“Take the car, I’ll get a ride back.   Will, be careful.   I’m sorry.”

 

Sliding my hand to his neck I pull him to me for a hard kiss before turning from him.

 

On the way home I turn up the radio and roll down both windows.   It doesn’t help.   The sound of the wind and radio can’t erase the sight or sound of him.   I can only comfort myself with the knowledge that at least now I know.   At least now it’s truly over and done.   I comfort myself with the knowledge that he was able to find peace and happiness again.   I pray that someday I can follow his lead.

Devon was the last.   I've buried them all now.   Willow was the first, the hardest.   It only got easier from there.   In the last forty years I've lost so much.   First, my best friend.   Dawn and Buffy only outliving her for four short years before they were both gone, one right after the other, as if without one the other couldn't survive.   And now Devon .

 

I never granted Devon his wish.   To stay with me for all eternity.   I loved him deeply but I couldn't.   It was no life for him.   Possibly I just didn't love him enough.   In all the years we were together I could only say the words twice.   He accepted that I could love him, need him, want him, but not be in love with him. He accepted and he loved me to distraction, taking away my pain and sorrow and showing me happiness again. For that gift, I let him have a peaceful, final death.

 

Laying the flowers on the grave I look around me and realize there is nothing left for me here now.   It's finally time to leave, time to make my way in a world I still know so little about.   I wish desperately for a tour guide and most of the time that tour guide has shock white hair and ocean blue eyes.  

 

I've never forgotten and I've never stopped loving him.   I forgave him years ago although he wasn't here to hear the words.   The last I heard, he had disappeared from Angel's one day with a note that it was time to move on.  

 

Slowly I walk the streets of Sunnydale for the last time.   All of my belongings are in storage.   The only things left in the apartment now is my suitcase and a cooler filled with dry ice and blood bags.

 

Taking my keys from the counter I shut and lock the door for the last time.   I've briefly toyed with the idea of finding him and dragging him kicking and screaming, if need be, back into my life.   I'm only stopped by the thought that he may no longer want me, may no longer need me.

 

I clutch the medallion under my shirt.   The only thing of his that I have allowed to remain in my possession over the years.   I wonder briefly if he missed it.   If he even knew it was gone.  

 

I can still see us so clearly in my mind.   Without conscious thought I pull the car over at the next pay phone.   Dialing a number from memory, I wait.

 

"Angel Investigations."

 

"Angel."

 

"Xander?"

 

His shock slightly amuses me.   I haven't spoken to him since Buffy's funeral and even then it was few words.

 

"Do you know where he is?"

 

"Here."

 

"Should I come?"

 

"Yes."

 

He answers without hesitation and it can only mean one thing.   Spike still wants me.

 

"I'm coming."

 

I hang up without saying good-bye and let a smile form on my lips.  

 

Spike was wrong those many years ago.   The ache for him didn't stop for months.   Even now I still feel it. I'm coming home, Spike.   The words whisper through my brain truly calming me for the first time in over thirty years.

 

On the drive to Los Angeles I compose and reject over a hundred opening statements.   What do you say to the man who has held your heart for what seems like forever.

 

As the Hyperion comes into view I feel the energy building in me.   I don't know if I can do this.   I don't know if I can walk in there and lay myself open to him.   Steeling my reserve I push open the door only to run smack dab into Angel.

 

He ushers me back out on the street.

 

"I didn't tell him you were coming.   He's only been back a week.   If you're not back forever don't come through those doors after me because there won't be anything left for me to put back together after you leave.   Just go and don't look back."

 

I pull the medallion out of my shirt and hold it up for him to see.

 

"He bought this the week after we were first together.   I put it on three days after he left.   I haven't taken it off since.   I'm staying."

 

"He's upstairs still sleeping off the drunk from last night."

 

We stop outside a door with the number 322.   I feel panic rise up.   What if he doesn't love me anymore, could I take it.   Could I walk away again?

 

"He never stopped."

 

Angel's voice startles me and I realize I spoke out loud.   He walks away from me with a small smile playing on his lips.   I push open the door and am assaulted by the scent of him.   God, it's been so long since I've been this close.   So long since I've seen him asleep and looking like an angel.   I close the door softly behind me and kneel by the bed.

 

Reaching under my shirt I pull the medallion over my head.   Gently I pull the blanket from his body.   I let the metal settle over his heart for a few brief seconds before dragging it along his torso.

 

One pale slim hand reaches out and grasps my wrist.   His eyes pop open and suddenly I'm staring into sleep hazed blue depths I could drown in.   He groans and drops back onto the bed.

 

"Not again."

 

"Huh?"

 

"I know you're not real.   Why can't you let me be?   Why do you keep doing this to me?"

 

Uh, okay not the reaction I was hoping for. What does he mean, not real.

 

"Spike, it's me."

 

His arm settles heavily against his eyes.

 

"I know who you bloody well are.   Well, c'mon then, get in."

 

There's still a haze over his eyes and I realize he's not truly awake, he really does think this is a dream.   He slides over in bed and lifts the blanket.   Is this really what he's been dreaming about for the last forty years?

 

"Spike..."

 

"C'mon, Xan.   Just come and hold me.   I promise not to say it.   I promise not to make you angry.   Just hold me."

 

I feel my heart constrict.   What does my dream self do?   What does he say to make Spike plead like that?   And how can I stand here and deny him.

 

I shuck my clothes in record time, set the medallion on the nightstand and climb in beside him.   I can't stop the gasp as his skin comes into contact with mine.   God, it's been so long since I've held him.   This is what heaven would be like.   It has to be.   Nothing could ever really feel this good.

 

I turn on my side to face him.   His eyes turn hot as they rake down my body.   It's been so long since just a look could make me shiver.  

 

His hand settles in the middle of my chest and he pushes me to my back.   Draping his body along the side of mine he rests his head in the crock of my neck and shoulder.   The movement is so familiar it brings tears to my eyes.  

 

I quickly roll back to my side.   Sliding one arm around his waist and the other around his neck, I pull his body into mine and hold tight.   Oh God, I love him.  

 

My hands stroke his back and I hear familiar purring in my ear as he shifts closer than is really possible.   His legs tangle with mine and a moan catches in my throat.   He goes rigid in my arms.

 

"I'm sorry.   Know I'm not supposed to start it.   I'm sorry."

 

Suddenly he's all but cowering in my arms and right now I hate myself, at least my dream self, for whatever has conditioned Spike this way.   No, this isn't how this is going to go.   Untangling myself from Spike's arms I sit back against the headboard and reach for the lamp.

 

"Spike.   Wake up.   Spike, can you hear me, wake up."

 

His eyes fall closed and I reach across the bed, tangle my hands in his hair and yank, hard.

 

"Bloody hell!"

 

He shoots bolt upright in bed, my hand still twisting around bright white strands.   Eyes flying open, he stares at me.  

 

"Xander?"

 

His voice wavers as his hand reaches out to touch my arm.   I can see the disbelief in his eyes as they take me in from head to toe.

 

"Hello, Spike."

 

Not the opening I had planned but better than staring at him in open-mouthed awe.

 

His hand glides along my cheek and I watch his eyes fill with moisture.

 

"It's really you?"

 

"Yeah, it's me."

 

"Why?"

 

How can I answer that?   How do I tell him that it's always been him?   Through the anger, the frustration, the hate, the need, the want, it's always been him.   I reach to the nightstand and hold up the medallion.   It's my only answer; he's never left me.   Even as I lost myself in Devons' arms, he was there.   Although I'm not sure he'd want to hear that.

 

"I'm-"

 

"I know, Spike, I know.   I had to walk in your shoes to understand, but I finally got it."  

 

Completely unconscious of my nudity I stand and start to pace clutching the medallion in my hand.

 

"When the cancer was whiling away inside Willow I struggled everyday.   I had the ability to save her, at least until the last few months, until there was very little of her left.   It would have been so simple, so quick.   One night I even had her in my arms, teeth to her neck, before Dawn came in.   I can't honestly say what I would have done if Dawn hadn't shown up.   I never tried it again, but that once, that one time, it was right there and I was ready to take that chance.   The same chance you took."

 

His eyes follow my every move; understanding, compassion and pain at Willow 's death, reflecting back at me.

 

"I forgave you that same night.   I felt you inside me that night like I hadn't in years.   I almost came to you then, the only thing stopping me was Devon .   He needed me and he was what I needed then and I couldn't stand to break his heart.   I knew too well how it felt.   So I'm here now, asking you to let me in.   Asking you to forgive me now.   You were - are - my everything.   You always have been."

 

His eyes fall closed and I see the moisture slip from beneath his lids. No, no more tears, no more heartache, no more anything but us together.

 

I slide the chain over my head as I climb back onto the bed.   Before I can reach for him he's off the bed and pulling on pants.

 

"Spike?"

 

"Xander, I..."

 

And then he's gone so fast my head is spinning.   Tugging on my pants I run down the stairs calling his name.   The lobby is empty.  

 

"He's on the roof."

 

As I head for the elevator Angel stops me.

 

"Let him be for a few minutes.   He won't leave.   It's where he goes when he needs space, time."

 

"I don't understand.   Why did he run from me?"

 

"He loves you, but he's afraid of you.   Afraid of what you can do to him."

 

We're interrupted by a leggy blonde in six-inch 'fuck-me pumps', and a skirt that even Buffy, at sixteen would have been ashamed of.

 

"Hey, Angel. Spike here?"

 

"Who the hell are you?"

 

She gives me a once over and small smile plays across her lips.

 

"Eve, and you are."

 

"None of your damn business and no, Spike isn't here.   As a matter of fact Spike is not ever going to be here so..."

 

"Now's a bad time, Eve.   This is Xander."

 

Her eyes settle on as me Angel tells her who I am.   Her face changes from open interest to hard assessment.   There's hatred shining back at me at she speaks.

 

"Tell Spike if he needs anything, and I mean anything, he knows where to find me."

 

With that she turns her back and slinks, because really there is no other word for how she moves, out the door.

 

"What the hell was that about?   Is she...is Spike...are they?"

 

I can't finish the words.  

 

"Xander-"

 

"Tell me, I have to know.   I have to know who I have to fight."

 

"No one.   You don't have to fight anyone.   But Spike...Spike isn't a saint and he..."

 

"He's been fucking everything with two legs that happens to walk by."

 

I can't help the bitterness in my voice.   I don't want to think about it.   I don't want to know about it.

 

"You don't get to sit there and pass judgment.   Not when you, for all practical purposes, were married for almost forty years.   Don't you dare begrudge him for any small amount of happiness and oblivion he may have found for a few seconds in days that were haunted by you.   Do you know he saw you and Devon together?   It ripped him apart like nothing I've ever seen.   I thought he was done for.   I kept watch over him every day for six months waiting for him to take a walk in the sun."

 

"I'm sorry, it's just the thought of anyone else touching him..."

 

"Think how bad it was for him.   At least all his, entanglements, were just physical.   He watched you give your life, your heart, your soul to someone else.   What you feel now is only a glimmer of what he felt."

 

He comes to stand beside me and our eyes meet. I see his anguish and love for Spike shining back at me and I thank whomever I have to that Spike had somewhere to go, someone to love him when he needed it most.

 

"Xander, I know he made a promise to you and he broke that promise.   That you can forgive him speaks well of what you feel for him, but you have to know that he would have turned you eventually.   He'd have either talked you around to his side or one day, when you'd had years together and the thought of leaving him crept into your brain you'd have asked him.   You know it, I know it and Spike knows it.   He also knows it was just too soon when it happened.   He knows the mistake he made and he's been paying for it ever since.   Don't make him pay for it any longer."

 

"I..."

 

"Take the elevator up to the roof and tell him.   He's the one that needs to hear it."

 

On the way up I think about Angel's words.   Would I have eventually wanted it?   Would Spike have been able to sway me?   I think about the last forty years of my life and I wonder if I would have been able to have them without Spike.  

 

Would I have been able to hold Willow 's hand as she took her last breath or would the Hellmouth have had me first?   Would I have been there to be the support Dawn needed after Buffy's death or would some demon have already had me for lunch?   After Willow was gone and Buffy had been kidnapped would anyone else have been able to find her?   Anyone else without these abilities I have?

 

I don't have the answers, but instinctively I know he's right.   It would have turned out this way one way or another.

 

As I open the roof access door I see him staring out across the city.   His shoulders go rigid as he senses my presence.

 

"I don't know if I can do this, Xander.   I don't know if there's anything left of me to give you."

 

Oh God, please, please don't do this.   Please don't let him turn away from me.

 

"'S funny, you know. All the years I've lived and I can't seem to remember a time when love for you didn't fill every part of my body.   I can't seem to remember a time when I didn't want you so much I ache with it.   And now, you're here, telling me you're ready to give it to me and I don't know if I can take it."

 

My hands itch to touch him.   I want to go to him and wrap him in my arms and never let him go.   I need him so much.   I love so much I can't think of anything else.

 

"I'll follow you, everywhere you go.   If you won't have me, I'll trail after you like a puppy.   I'll follow you and haunt you everywhere."

 

"You already do."

 

Oh, God, I made him sound like that.   Torn and bruised, like his whole world has ended.

 

"Spike, I love you. I've never stopped.   I don't know what to do now.   I don't know how to make you believe me and I don't know how to make you stay.   I was wrong, you were wrong.   There was a whole lot of wrongness.   I just...I just need you so much. I've lived my life and I've tried to get you out of my head, out of my heart but you wouldn't go because I really didn't want you to. Maybe Angel's right, maybe all I've ever wanted was to spend forever with you and maybe all this had to happen in order for there to be an us forever.   I don't know, I just know that I can't do this without you anymore.   Please, Spike, please."

 

He turns to me and I watch as silent tears slide down his cheeks as he presses his back against the edge of the wall.

 

"Let me make it better. Please, Spike, let me make it better."

 

"Xander."

 

My name catches on a sob he's trying to hold in.   In an instant I'm in front of him holding out my arms, waiting for him to come to me.   Seconds later I'm pulled against a hard body and shaking with the force of his tears.  

 

We sink to the ground and for the first time in longer than I can remember I feel complete.   I don't feel like half of me is missing.   His hands cup my face and bring my lips to his.   I feel the gentle caress of his tongue as it slowly slides against mine.   So much love and longing conveyed in a kiss so sweet it threatens to shatter me.  

 

He pulls away resting his forehead against mine.

 

"If you ever leave me again, take a stake to me first.   I can't go through this again."

 

"Never."

 

"Promise?"

 

"Forever, Spike.   Forever."

 

"It's weird, you know.   All these years and the world really hasn't changed that much."

 

I watch him as he settles back against Willow ’s headstone.   Only fifteen minutes left until sunrise.   Fifteen minutes until I say good-bye to my son-in-law, my last link to William.   These last few weeks have been exceptionally difficult and it's a wonder Xander has lasted the last two years without Spike.  

 

Pain ripples through me as I think of my Childe's untimely demise.   Fighting the good fight until the end, protecting his mate, with his very life when it came down to it.   Xander fell into depression and for six months refused to leave the room they had shared for over six hundred and seventy years.  

 

"I saw you, yesterday in the garden.   It's still so strange to see you in the sunlight.   Totally weirded me out, just like the first time.   But you looked happy and that's good.   I wish Spike…Angel, I'm sorry I'm leaving you, I just...I just can't..."

 

" It's okay, Xander , I know."

 

I see his relief that I don't ask him to stay.   He's ready to go.

 

"So, tell me about this place again."

 

He crosses his legs and I'm reminded again of the kid I first met in Sunnydale .   I can't help but smile at him as he waits for me to speak.

 

"It's a demon dimension.   But not Hell.   Not all demons were sent here for nefarious purposes.   Many were warriors for the good and although they'll never make it to heaven, there's a place that accepts them and rewards them for their goodness.   No pain, no heartache, just a bunch of people who had the same purpose.   Once you...once you leave this plane, your physical body will take form again in Plytak ."

 

"The hurt, it'll...it'll go away.   I won't feel this anymore?"

 

"No, you won't feel it anymore.   All you'll feel is the joy Spike brought to you.   It's quite a bit like euphoria."

 

"He won't be there though, will he?   Too many years of death and violence.   I'll really never see him again will I?"

 

"No, Xander I'm afraid you won't."

 

He looks behind him and traces Willow 's name with his fingers.   I know Xander had hoped he'd get into heaven, but it just isn't so.   No matter that he was never evil, if you die a demon you just don't get into heaven and that's the way of it.

 

"Will you tell them...tell them that I love them, when you see them, tell them, okay."

 

"I will."

 

I finally got my redemption.   I'm human and I'll live out my human life, still fighting the good fight.   When I die I'll be graced with acceptance in heaven.

 

"Whistler's waiting for you, right?   You won't be alone tonight?"

 

"Yes, he's at the hotel.   Xander, thank you for loving him, for coming back for him."

 

"I didn't have a choice.   I told him once he was my everything and I meant it.   Angel, is it going to hurt?"

 

"For a few seconds and then you'll be there and nothing will ever hurt again."

 

I watch the sun creep over the horizon and spread through the trees.   I watch Xander twitch as his skin starts to itch.

 

"Angel."

 

"Yes."

 

"Thank you for turning Spike."

 

I don't try to stop the tears that run down my face.   I've come to love Xander over the years and I'm sad to see him go but I'm glad he'll finally be free of his pain.

 

"I'm just gonna lay down and close my eyes.   Will you...will you hold my hand for a few minutes, just until..."

 

I move beside him and grasp his hand in mine.   Gently I rub his knuckles with my thumb.   I watch with sadness as the rays of the sun come steadily closer until his pant leg bursts into flame.   It takes everything in me not to drag him under the nearest tree and shelter him with my body.

 

The fire quickly spreads up his body.   With one last look at his face, I see him smiling, even through the pain, as he clutches tightly to the medallion hanging around his neck.  

 

At the last second I pull my hand back.   The fire extinguishes as quickly as it started and nothing is left of Xander but scattered ashes.   Placing my head on the ground where his body once was, I let out my heartache.   I let the tears fall for my Childe and his mate, both of whom I loved with all my heart.

 

Slowly making my way from the cemetery I go back to my car and start the drive to Los Angeles alone.

 

Hours later Whistler stands outside the building as I pull up.  

 

"Everything okay?"

 

I heave a sigh and force back the tears.

 

"Fine.   I just hope Xander will be alright."

 

"I think he's going to be fine.   Right about now a foul mouthed, leather clad, bleach blonde is being hurtled through dimensions on his way to a crash landing in Plytak ."

 

I see his smile and I can't help but return it.

 

"How?"

 

"Hey, The Powers make the rules, I just enforce ' em ."

 

My sorrow is replaced with happiness.   Xander will get his wish.   Forever.

 

Whistler takes my arm as I go to enter the building.

 

"One more thing."

 

He pulls me around to the back and we stand at the door in the garden staring into the lobby.   My knees go weak as I watch Wesley flit around the office.   Wesley has been dead for more years than I can count.   I turn to Whistler with a stunned smile on my face.

 

"Your redemption was becoming human, your reward is Wesley.   He doesn't know he's been dead for almost seven hundred years.   His memory has been filled with those lost years and everything that has happened in them, but he doesn't know he wasn't right there with you the entire way.   You're souls are linked.   When you die, so will he.   Whether it's old age or a bus, doesn't matter.   Welcome to the rest of your life."

 

With that, he's gone.   Damn, how does he do that?   I pace the garden in excited anticipation.   Inside those doors is my salvation.   The one thing I needed to go on.   Looking toward the sky I mouth the words 'Thank you.'

 

Wes comes to me as soon as I open the doors.   I pull him into my arms and breathe in the scent of him.

 

"How are you?   Do you need anything?"

 

"Just you, Wes, just you."

 

I scoop him up in my arms and take the stairs two at a time.   Once in our bedroom I smother his face and neck in kisses.

 

"My lord, Angel, you only went to Sunnydale ."

 

"I just missed you."

 

"I'll say.   Now sit up and tell me the truth.   Are you truly alright?   I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you."

 

I sit back against the headboard and pull him close.

 

"It was...sad, but I'm better now.   Now that I'm back with you."

 

I bury my head in his hair.   Although my sadness at losing first Spike, and then Xander in such a short time weighs down on me I can't help the bubbling happiness of having Wesley in my arms.   I lay us back down and pull him tight against me.   I didn't think I would ever feel joy this way again.   The years I fought against my nature, the very thing I was, it all seems so much sweeter now.

 

Once again I thank The Powers and let sleep slide over me as I clutch Wesley to my chest.   My life, my love, my future, slowly strokes my chest as I drop into they abyss of peaceful sleep.

 

 

~finis~