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Friday, May 5th
“So, Nick, anything else on your mind this week?”
Come on, Nick, this is therapy. You’re supposed to talk about stuff. You can trust him. After a pause, he said, “Uh, no, nothing, Robert. I’m doing okay.” The man sitting opposite him sat silently, and gave him an appraising look. “Really. I’m fine.”
“No more nightmares? You were having a real problem there, weren’t you?”
I’m not going over this again. It’s too much. “No. I mean, yeah, I was having a problem before. Those Xanex really knock me out, though, so I don’t dream when I take them.” Which is why I don’t take them. Nightmares are better than zombiehood. “It’s all working out fine.”
“Uh-huh,” the therapist nodded, dubious. He scribbled something on the pad in front of him. “How is work?”
“Actually, I’m holding it together pretty well when I’m working.” It’s when I get home that’s the problem.
“Are they still treating you with kid gloves?”
“Everyone except my boss.” Even Warrick. “Now that I’m back, he figures I’m fine. He knows I want to handle it like it was any other case.”
“And everybody else?”
“Walkin’ on eggshells. Drives me nuts, doc.”
“Nick, it’s only been a week. You still have visible injuries. They know you’ve had a rough time of it, and they want to make sure you’re okay.”
Yeah, right. They just don’t know what to say to me. “I’m sure that’s it.” He looked at his watch. “Hour’s up, huh, doc?”
The man smirked as he looked at his desk clock. “Yes, if you like, though we still have a few minutes.”
No way, not today. Rick’s waiting. Nick stood. “Um, I’ve got somewhere I’ve got to be. I’ll see you next Friday, all right?”
“All right. Friday.” Nick walked out the door without looking back.
~~~~~
Friday, May 12th
The silence stretched out between them. Nick waited for a prompt as he studied the gleam coming off of Robert’s bald head. I wonder if he shaves it on purpose. He kind of looks like Warrick, in a way. Darker skin, though, and not as tall. Maybe it’s the eyes. They have the same eyes.
“What’s on your mind today, Nick?” Robert asked suddenly, startling Nick with his booming voice.
He fished for a reply. “Uh, nothing. Today was a better day. I went out in the field, which was good. It was easier to concentrate.”
“How so?” Robert asked with interest, shifting in his seat.
“I don’t know. Cooped up in the lab all the time, I couldn’t...I mean, it’s hard to...” Just say something, Nick. He knows you’re spooked; he’s not going to judge you for it. “I guess, I was finally back on the job for real. It felt like things are getting back to normal.” Can he tell I’m lying?
“That’s good, Nick. That’s really good. Sometimes it helps to get back to routine.”
“Yeah, routine,” he echoed. Right. Dusting a damn hotel room like a rookie, while Sara and Catherine do the fun stuff. Another banner day on the job.
“What else have you been doing? Is your place fixed up again?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty much done. I feel better now. I’ve got control back.”
“Control, huh? So you feel safe again.”
“Yeah.”
“Uh-huh,” Robert murmured, and scribbled on his pad. Without looking up, he asked casually, “How many guns did you get, Nick?”
Read my mind. How the hell did he do that? “Just the two.” Brass gave me one, too, but that doesn’t count.
Robert stopped scribbling and fixed his piercing green eyes onto Nick’s. “I’ve been treating cops for fifteen years, Nick. Don’t bullshit a bullshitter.”
He forced a laugh. “Okay, three. And I beefed up security, big time. Total home invasion package. Alarms, everything.” Not to mention Warrick agreeing to stay with me until I get over this. “I know it’s crazy - the guy was a total nutcase, and something like that is never going to happen again. But I’m cool now.”
“Cool?”
“Yeah, cool.” Poker face. Just get through this, and you don’t have to come back.
Robert sighed. “You know this is a safe environment, right? Just because you were...forced to come here doesn’t mean this process can’t help you.”
“What do you mean?”
“What I mean is, I know you’re holding back. That’s okay. And if all you want out of this is a pat on the head and a checkmark on your psych report, then I’ll give you that. If that’s what you want.” Robert pinned Nick with a hard stare. “But I think you have a lot to talk about. I think you need to be here.”
He can’t possibly know anything. “Well, I don’t know that I really need all this therapy stuff, doc. I’m fine now. I’ll just get back to work, and things will go back to normal.”
Robert said nothing. “Really. I don’t need this. Anymore.”
Silence. Nick stood up. “Okay, then, uh, thanks. For everything, Robert.”
Piercing green eyes. “I’ll, uh, let myself out. See ya round.”
~~~~~
Monday, May 22nd
“So what’s going on today, Nick?”
He doesn’t sound like he’s gloating. Maybe he meant what he said, about my needing to be here. Maybe it is okay to trust him. “I didn’t think I’d be back.”
“Did you not want to come back?” Neutral. Deep breath. You can do this.
“I...look, where I come from, we don’t talk about our problems with strangers. It’s hard to just...open up to you, you know?”
“Yes, I know.” Non-judgmental. Waiting.
“I’ve got...I have...” Shit, why doesn’t he just ask me questions? That’s so much easier than trying to spill my guts here. Nick sighed and ran a hand through his short brown hair, struggling to find words to say.
“What is your situation at work now?” Robert asked.
“Yeah, work, okay, um...” he began, feeling relieved. “I was assigned to a missing person’s case, a kid, and we found her. It was great, it really was.” The therapist sat, unmoving, in his standard listening pose.
“So normality is slowly returning?”
“Yeah, this week has been a lot better, doc. Things are smoothing out.”
“Uh-huh. And at home?”
Nick stiffened. Come on, Nick, that was a perfectly innocent question. Just answer the man. Normal voice. He cleared his throat before responding. “I’ve, uh...I’ve been having nightmares again.”
“What kind of nightmares?”
“Uh, they’re bad ones.” He’d had to stop himself from saying ‘Rick says.’ The doc didn’t know Warrick was staying with him, and for some reason he didn’t want to tell him. “I wake up screaming. Punching and fighting, and in a panic.”
“Have you been taking the Xanex?”
He took a deep breath and admitted, “No, I haven’t. I didn’t like the way they made me feel.”
Robert nodded in understanding. “Well, if you want, there are other things we can try that don’t have as many side effects. Ativan, maybe.” Nick nodded. “You, uh, you’re single, right?”
“Yeah,” Nick answered warily, on guard now.
“Do you have anybody - a girlfriend, a relative, a friend? Someone you can stay with for a while?
He relaxed, but only slightly. “I don’t think I can do that. It’s like falling off a horse. I mean, as hard as it is to stay there, it would be worse if I left. I don’t think I’d ever be able to come back, you know?”
“Well, then, how about someone who can stay with you?”
His stomach seized up and his voice caught in his throat. He answered in what he hoped was a normal voice. “What for, doc?”
“Well, I was thinking that you might feel safer if someone else, someone you trusted, were there with you at night.”
“I work at night.”
“Oh, of course. I meant while you sleep.”
“Someone else?”
“Yeah, you know, someone to be there, to give you some measure of protection, psychological or otherwise.”
“Hey, Robert, you don’t think I can take care of myself?”
“That’s not what I said, and you know it,” the therapist said, surreptitiously rolling his eyes. “I know you have guns, a security system, and training. What you don’t have is peace in the middle of the night. In the middle of your sleep,” he corrected himself as Nick began to protest. “You don’t take your medication, and I didn’t think you’d want to check yourself into a clinic for a few weeks.”
Nick snorted. “Yeah, you’re right about that, doc.” Maybe I should tell him that Warrick has been taking care of me. But then I’d have to talk about...No, better not. Not yet. “Uh, that’s a good idea, though, having someone there. I’ll think about it.”
“You do that, Nick,” the man said. Was there a trace of humor in that comment? Robert modulated his voice so precisely, it was hard to tell. He couldn’t know about Warrick. Could he? Robert glanced at the clock. “The hour’s up. See you next time?”
He’s honestly asking. I guess it really is up to me. “Yeah, doc. Next time.”
~~~~~
Monday, May 29th
“So, Robert, aren’t you gonna ask me what’s on my mind?”
“You seem awfully chipper this morning,” the therapist commented, smiling. “Okay, Nick, what’s on your mind?”
“I had a great night, that’s what’s on my mind.”
“Care to share?”
“Do you watch the news?”
“Well, I--”
“We busted this really depraved psycho, thanks to me, and it looks like he’s gonna be put away for a really long time. I’m back in the saddle again, doc!”
“That’s wonderful news, Nick. Congratulations,” Robert said evenly.
“The other great thing about all this is that I don’t have to keep coming back here.”
“You don’t?”
“No, see, because I’m fine now. I mean, not that I don’t like you or anything. You’ve been great. But the whole reason I’m here is because I was anxious and stuff, and now I’m not. Job’s back on track. So, I guess that’s the end of it, huh?”
Robert sighed. “Sure, Nick, if you feel like we’re done here...”
“You don’t think I’m done?” What kind of psychological bullshit is this?
“Listen, that’s not for me to say.” Robert paused. He focused on Nick and said, deliberately, “I’m happy for you. Really.”
Nick stared at the man, confused. What the hell does that mean, it’s not for him to say? Isn’t that his job, to say? This is some kind of trick or something. But why would he do that? Isn’t it good that I don’t need to come back here? If work is going okay, then that means I’m done with therapy. That’s the whole point, right?
Nick knew, though, that there was a lot more he could be saying. All those things he wasn’t telling the doctor – about his childhood, about that time in college, about Warrick. But he wasn’t here for that stuff. He was here so he could go to work without breaking down in the men’s room crying. And that hadn’t happened in days.
Sure, every time he closed his eyes at night, he still saw that psychic guy Pearson lying dead on his floor. Either that or his stalker’s cold, crazed eyes. And every time he heard a siren, he flashed on the moment right before the cavalry arrived – what if they hadn’t come? I’d be dead, too.
He clenched his jaw. Nope, I’m fine now. Back to normal. Nothing is different, even if I have to pretend for a while until it’s true. Everything is normal.
“Well, great, Robert. Glad you’re happy for me. Yeah, now that I’m fine at work again, I guess there’s nothing more we need to do here. Thanks, doc, I mean it. I’ll see ya round, huh?”
~~~~~
Tuesday, June 13th
“I think I need to talk about something today, Robert.”
“What is it?”
Nick sighed heavily, and sat forward his chair. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. One minute, Warrick is making dinner, the next minute, I’m shouting at him and throwing dishes all over the room. I felt so angry, doc, but it wasn’t at him. He thinks it is, though, and I’m...I’m scared he’s going to leave.” He could feel his face burning red. But at least I said it. It’s out in the open.
Robert nodded thoughtfully. “Hmm. Who is Warrick?”
“He’s my coworker. And my friend. After...what happened, he came to stay with me. Just until I felt better.”
“Uh-huh.” Robert looked up at him with a gleam in his eye. “So he’s been staying with you for a while now?”
Nick’s face got redder. He swallowed, and nodded. “I wanted to tell you, but...”
“That’s okay, Nick. So he’s been a good friend to you.”
“Yeah, good friend,” he repeated. No, no need to tell him about how I’ve been feeling about him lately. That can wait.
“What exactly happened, that you were throwing dishes? Tell me the story.”
“Well, we stopped off after work to get some groceries. Rick wanted to make a Cajun thing he’d heard about. Anyway, we had a mild disagreement in the store. Nothing heavy, he just wanted to make it really spicy and I didn’t. No big deal, right?”
“Right,” Robert said, listening intently.
“So we’re back at my place, and he’s cooking, and we’re just talking about...I don’t even remember. The little argument from the store, I guess. And then he says something about how this buddy from college would have wanted the food spicy, too. See, he’d just gotten an e-mail from him, with a bunch of pictures attached from their old college days. And after that all I could think about was that crazy psychopath who invaded my house. That’s how it all started for me, you know, with e-mail pictures.”
Robert gave no response. “You know about that, right? That’s why I came here?”
The doctor continued to sit, motionless. Okay, so maybe I didn’t tell him everything. Might as well say it now.
Nick explained, “Crane hacked into my e-mail and saw a picture my friend had sent me. He killed someone and posed her to look like the photograph. That’s when he started stalking me, and then he was in my house, watching me, and...” I can’t talk about this anymore or I’ll lose whatever grip I have on my sanity. “It was bad news,” he finished weakly.
“And you got angry at Warrick for mentioning the pictures from his friend?”
“Not really at him, but...yeah. I don’t even know how it happened. I guess I snapped. I don’t really remember details, but I know I started yelling and couldn’t stop, and I knocked all the stuff off the counters and table. Threw dishes. Tore up the kitchen. Even went after Warrick when he tried to stop me. I didn’t stop yelling until I realized he was sitting on my chest and shaking me senseless.” Nick laughed hollowly. “I think I scared him more than I scared myself.”
“So Warrick brought you out of this...rage?”
“Well, he sat on me until I calmed down a little. Then he gave me one of those Ativan pills and put me to bed.”
“What makes you think he’s going to leave?”
“Come on, doc, you don’t think he’ll stay, after what I did to him? I was a monster!”
“Did he say he was leaving?”
“Well, no, but he was gone by the time I got up.”
“Is that unusual?”
Nick thought about it. “No, I guess not. He always has stuff to do before he goes into work.”
The doctor pondered for a moment. “Was he around when you were having your nightmares?”
It’s safe to tell him, Nick. “Yeah, he was.”
“How did he handle them?” Nick frowned, uncertain. “You had said before that you would wake up screaming and in a panic. How did he react when that happened?”
“He...was there for me. He would stay with me until I felt better.”
“He didn’t leave, then?”
“No.” No, he didn’t leave. He stayed right there with me. And I can’t stand the thought of him leaving because I freaked out. What’ll I do if he does?
“He sounds like a really good friend.”
There’s that modulated voice again. He’s thinking things about us, things that I’m not ready to talk about yet. Or am I reading too much into this? Yeah, that’s it. I’m just sensitive right now, that’s all.
“Yeah, he is. A really good friend.”
“Then I’m sure he knows what you’re going through. The nightmares, the outbursts, they’re all part of dealing with what happened to you.”
Nick shook his head. “But how am I gonna deal with it if he leaves? Because of me, because of my problems?” His voice was rising with anxiety, but he couldn’t help it. “What if I’ve pushed him away? How am I ever going to get through this alone?”
“Nick!” Robert insisted, cutting off Nick’s anxious monologue. “You haven’t pushed him away! Don’t you see that? Clearly he understands, and sees that this whole thing is a manifestation of your post-traumatic stress syndrome.”
“That sounds like a bunch of psychobabble, doc,” Nick said after a moment, smiling slightly.
“Okay, how about this: he’s seen you at your worst, your scariest. And he hasn’t gone anywhere. He might be a little shaken up, sure, but he knows, Nick. He knows. And he’s probably going to stay with you for however long you need him.”
God, I hope you’re right, doc . He willed the therapist’s words to be true. Because if they weren’t... He couldn’t finish the thought.
Just then, his cell phone chirped at him. Embarrassed, he apologized quickly and read the text message scrolling across the screen. “R U OK? C U IN 20 AT YP? NO CAJ. W.” Nick sighed in relief, smiling.
“Sorry, Robert, I know I’m supposed to turn that off. I forgot.”
“You aren’t sorry at all! Look at that smile on your face!” Nick chuckled, relaxed now. “So what’s the message?”
He looked at the phone again and read it aloud, translating the abbreviations: “Are you okay. See you in twenty minutes at your place. No Cajun. Warrick.”
Robert nodded. “Sounds to me like he isn’t running away.”
“No, I guess not.”
“It also sounds like he cares about you a great deal.”
“How do you get that from this tiny message?”
“Well, he is interested in your welfare. He’s returning to your house, expecting you to meet him there, so he wants to see you, and wants to find you well. He knows the Cajun thing led to an outburst, and so he’s making sure you know he’s going to avoid that trigger.”
“I guess you have a point there.”
Robert smiled. “Not to mention the huge grin on your face when you read that message. In fact, I think that says it all right there.”
Nick smiled again automatically. “I guess I’ll be going now. See you next session, doc?”
“Yeah, Nick, I’ll see you then.”
~~~~~
Monday, June 19th
“We can sit here in silence for the whole hour, if you want.”
“Sorry, doc, I just don’t know what to say.” I don’t even know why I came today. This is gonna be pointless.
The quiet stretched out, longer this time, and Robert spoke up again. “Well, how about you tell me if you’ve been getting any sleep. How have your nightmares been?”
“I’m managing okay.”
“The Ativan working for you?”
“Yeah.”
“How about work. Anything happening at work?”
“No,” he said quickly, through gritted teeth. There was another length of silence, and Nick heard his boss’s words echoing in his head: ‘Keep it to yourself until the case is over.’
Confidentiality, my ass, Grissom. How can I not talk about this case to my therapist? It’s making me have nightmares again. Bad ones. I need to get them off my chest. Then again, what are my petty nightmares compare to what that little girl has gone through? She needs this therapy session a lot more than I do.
“Okay, then, um, how’s your friend...Warrick, is it?”
“Fine.”
“Uh, how about the rest of your coworkers?”
“Fine.”
“Uh-huh.” Robert angled his head and asked, “Nick, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Everything.
“Are you angry about something?”
“No.” Yes.
“Anything on your mind that you’d like to talk about today?”
“Not really.” Yes, doc, but I can’t. I can’t.
“Well, fine then, Nick.” Robert got up from his chair and went to his desk, dropping his notepad on the blotter. “I don’t have much to say either, and time’s up, so have a nice day.” He sat down in his desk chair and started writing up his notes, ignoring Nick’s unhurried departure.
~~~~~
Friday, June 23rd
“Doc, I have to tell you something.”
“Go ahead.” Neutral, non-judgmental. Again. How can he be that way after how I behaved?
“I’m sorry for the way I acted the last time I was here. I was rude, and I wasted your time, and I apologize.”
“Thank you, Nick, I appreciate that.”
“And I want you to know that it was partly because of a really horrible case I had to work on, and talking about my problems just...didn’t seem very important at the time.”
“Was the case solved?”
“No, not yet, which is probably why I still feel this way.”
“What way?”
Nick sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know. Powerless. Depressed. Confused.”
“That’s normal. Can you talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“Well, we can talk generally about your feelings. Or something else, if you’d rather. To take your mind off of work.”
Nick was silent for a long time, inspecting his fingernails and debating whether or not to confess. He made a decision and talked without looking up from his hands. “I’ve been...having these feelings...and...I don’t really know how...if...I should say anything.”
“Nick, you can say anything in this room.”
“Last time, you seemed mad at me, though.”
“I wasn’t mad at you, Nick. Perhaps I was a little frustrated at your lack of communication, but you’ve explained that. And anyway, these sessions are for you, not me. If there are things you need to talk about, talk about them. That’s why I’m here.”
Okay, then, Nicky-boy, it’s now or never. “Something’s been...happening lately, and...something else...happened yesterday, and...I don’t know what to do.”
“What happened yesterday?”
“Uh...” He could feel his face burning brightly, and he laughed nervously. “How do I put this?”
“Just start from the beginning. What’s been happening?”
Nick picked at an imaginary imperfection on his jeans. “You know about the nightmares.”
“Just that you’ve been having them.”
“Yeah, well, they’ve, uh, been getting worse, since this case, and, the uh, medication hasn’t really been helping.” He paused.
“Uh-huh. Go on.”
“And you know that my...friend Warrick has been staying with me, since...that stalker.”
“Yes.”
Nick still couldn’t look up at the man seated across from him. He wrinkled his brow and took a deep breath before he continued. “See, usually, he sleeps on the fold-out bed, in the living room. When I wake up...well, when I wake him up, yelling or panicking or something, he comes into my room, and stays with me until I calm down.”
“What do you mean, he stays with you?”
“He sits there with me. Listens to me if I want to talk. Talks to me about nothing, until I relax. That kind of thing.”
“Okay, keep going.”
“So, since this case, they’ve gotten worse. The nightmares, I mean. And I wasn’t comforted anymore just by talking to him. I’d started to pace and talk to myself, even sleepwalking, and I think I was scaring Warrick.” He rubbed his forehead nervously. “He started to...”
“What, Nick?” Robert asked after a moment.
“He figured out that if he got into bed, with me, before I could get up to pace, that I’d be fine, and I’d actually sleep peacefully for an hour or two before it would happen again.” Nick smiled a little. “I have to say I liked it. I felt really protected and safe, there...in his arms. My feelings have been... I started to feel...things for him I’ve never...well, you know.”
“How long has this been happening?”
“For...a couple of weeks now, I guess.”
“So what happened yesterday?”
Nick pursed his lips and pushed out a sigh. “Well, we’d...kind of gotten into the habit of...well, sleeping together. That’s all it was, too, just sleeping,” he said quickly, finally looking into his therapist’s face. “When I slept, that is.” He looked away again, and addressed commentary to his boots.
“Anyway, uh, yesterday I uh, had a...well, a breakdown, I guess. I woke up from another nightmare, and I couldn’t stop crying. Nothing Warrick said was soothing me, so he just...held me and rocked me, like a baby. I was literally crying on his shoulder.” Nick closed his eyes, remembering, and his voice became trance-like. “We were hugging, laid out on the bed, and I was so glad he was there. I remember thinking that he was a really good friend. To see me like this, and still be there, you know?
“I finally did stop crying after what seemed like forever, and I realized he was still holding me. He was touching my face. He brushed my hair back.” Nick’s voice suddenly became rough with emotion. He cleared his throat of the lump and continued.
“And then I thought I felt his lips on my forehead. It surprised me, you know? But by that time I felt so drained that I couldn’t react. Besides, it felt nice. I could...feel the pulse in his neck against my face. Against my lips. It seemed natural to kiss him then, to kiss his neck.” He paused, reminiscing, before he continued.
“He...started to kiss my face, really gently. And he brushed my tears away with his thumbs. And he kissed my cheeks. And...then I...kissed him. On the lips.
“I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I mean, a million thoughts ran through my head all at once – what are you doing, this is Warrick, this is a guy, this is wrong. I pulled away, I was so shocked at myself. But then he actually kissed me back. So right then I stopped thinking.”
Nick opened his eyes and looked imploringly at his doctor, who sat there, expressionless.
“Nothing...happened, or anything, doc. We just...kissed. He’s a really good kisser, you know.” He shook his head again and looked back at his hands. “We haven’t talked about it at all, and I don’t know...I just don’t know what to do.”
After a long minute, Robert took his own deep breath and cleared his throat. “Nothing else happened? The physical contact didn’t escalate into something more?”
“No, it didn’t.” He paused, feeling the need to explain, to clarify. “It wasn’t really sexual at all. I just had this warm, fuzzy feeling. I felt safe with him. Comfortable. And it didn’t go beyond the kissing.”
“Why haven’t you talked about this with him?”
“We had to go to work. On different cases, so we couldn’t even talk on the job. It was so strange, doc. We were together, all day, just kissing and talking and being together. And it was so comfortable and easy. And then the alarm buzzed and he turned it off, and we kissed for a few more minutes, and we got up and got ready and left separately. Like it was any other day.”
“Hmm. What did you think of all this?”
“I didn’t think much at all. My mind was a complete blank, really. I’ve been like a zombie since it happened. I remembered it, but... This is the first time...” He frowned and shook his head, hating that he couldn’t explain it better. “I mean, I haven’t really thought about it until now.”
“Nick, how long have you had...feelings for him...this way?”
“I don’t know. It’s been building for a while, I think, but I guess I just recognized it yesterday. And I didn’t realize he felt that way about me, either.” A thought struck him. “Maybe he doesn’t, though. Maybe he was just comforting me when I was hurting, you know?” He gripped the arms of his chair anxiously. “See why I’m confused, doc?”
“You know, it’s perfectly normal to have those feelings.”
“Yeah, I guess. But what does it all mean? Does this mean we’re...”
“Does it mean you’re gay?” Nick blushed a bright crimson and nodded. “Not necessarily. What does it all mean to you?”
“I just...don’t know, doc. What am I going to do?”
“Well, you could...treat it like it never happened, go on with your lives and never talk about it again.” Nick nodded. I don’t think I could do that. Next.
“You could...make a huge deal out of it, blow everything that happened out of proportion, and allow it to come between you, perhaps ruining a wonderful friendship.” Nope. Don’t like that one, either. He means too much to me.
“You could...treat it like a one-time occurrence, a friend helping out another friend in a time of crisis, and leave it at that.” Yeah, that’s true, it was a time of crisis.
“Or, you could see if there are any feelings for each other, and possibly use what happened as a basis for something more; use it to build a relationship together.” Nick’s stomach did a flip-flop. A relationship? With Warrick? That’s a peculiar thought.
“I’m scared, Robert. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“Don’t worry, Nick. I’m sure it’ll work out just fine.”
~~~~~
Friday, June 30th
“Well, so, how are you doing lately?”
“I’m doing okay. We wrapped up that terrible case, so work is better now. Actually, things at work have been fine for a while. When I’m there, it’s all about the job, getting the work done, solving the puzzles. You know?”
“Yes, I do. So if things at work are fine, how are things at home?”
“Oh, doc, I knew you were going to ask that!”
Robert laughed, a rich, hearty, genuine sound that made Nick smile. “Well, I had to, Nick. You were somewhat anxious last time about your friend Warrick.”
“Yeah, I was, wasn’t I?”
“You aren’t anymore?”
“Well, I don’t know exactly. Nothing else has happened, and we never really talked about it, so...” Nick cleared his throat nervously. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel now.”
“What happened after our last session? If you didn’t talk about your interlude together, did anything change between you?”
“No, it didn’t. We went back to the same routine, acting like we had before, like nothing more had happened.”
“He still slept in your bed?”
“Yeah, just sleeping. Like before.”
“Are you still having the nightmares, then?”
“Sometimes. They’re not as bad, though, not as long as he’s there with me.”
“Is the medication helping?”
“Well, I don’t take it very often.”
“Have you taken it since your last outburst?”
Nick was quiet for a moment, before he answered. “Um, no.” Robert arched his brow. “Well, I haven’t really needed it. You said it was for anxiety, and I haven’t been as anxious. With Warrick there.”
“Uh-huh. Well, that’s great, Nick, that’s really great.”
“It is,” he agreed. The therapist was silent and Nick felt a flare of irritation. “Come on, Robert. What?”
“I was just thinking that you should really talk to your friend about what happened.”
“Oh, man,” he said under his breath.
“What’s wrong?”
“Why do I have to talk to him anyway?” he asked, and even he recognized the whiny tone. Robert said nothing.
“I mean, you know how bad guys are at talking about feelings and stuff.”
The silence stretched out. “He’s just a friend, doc.”
“Well, if he’s your friend, then he should want to talk to you, Nick.” Robert shifted in his chair so he could look directly at the man seated across from him. “He’s probably feeling just as overwhelmed and confused as you are. He’s obviously very concerned about you, too. And when you don’t discuss your feelings, he probably doesn’t know how to react. He doesn’t know if he’s doing anything right. Think about how you’d feel if Warrick were in your situation. Don’t shut him out."
He’s right. If this had happened to Rick, then I’d want to help him. If he cried in my arms, and didn’t talk to me about it, I’d be really confused, too. Especially if we had...done what we’d done.
“I see your point, doc.”
~~~~~
Friday, July 7th
“What’s the matter, Nick? You seem distressed.”
“Last night was...a strange night. I had another bad reaction. I totally freaked out.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I thought, since I’ve been doing pretty well lately, that it’d be okay if I gave Warrick a break. You know, so he could do all the things he hasn’t been doing because he’s been staying with me.” He took a breath before continuing. “And I did okay. For a while.”
“What happened to make it not okay?”
“He wasn’t there with me. I started to get more and more anxious, all alone there in the house. I thought I was getting over this, doc, but I guess I’m not.” Nick rubbed his thumb across his brow nervously. “But, I recognized the feeling, and didn’t want to bother Rick on his only night off in weeks, so I took one of those pills, and that helped for a little while.
“Then a siren went off down the road. I think it was an ambulance, and it didn’t even come past the house, but it triggered something in me, I don’t even know why. I started to panic.”
“What did you do?”
“This is so stupid, I know it
is, but I
hid.
In the
closet.”
He looked into his therapist’s
concerned
face.
“I really wasn’t thinking too
clearly.”
“Nick, why didn’t you call me? You have my emergency number.”
“I told you, Robert, I wasn’t thinking. All I could think of was to get away from the sound of the siren.”
Robert frowned. “Did you stay in there all night?”
Nick shook his head. “No. It was weird. I don’t remember much, just a feeling of being too overwhelmed to do anything. Then, I kind of woke up or something, and I realized that I was in my own bed, and Warrick was there with me, holding me like he did that one night.”
“Warrick was there?” Nick nodded, smiling for the first time this session. “So what happened?”
Nick debated with himself, trying to decide how much to tell the doctor. He decided for simple. “We, uh, we were...together again.”
Robert did not look pleased, and Nick frowned in confusion. “What? What’s wrong?”
“Nick, did he take advantage of you?”
“No!” he said immediately. “No, not at all! It wasn’t like that! It was...” he paused, trying to find the words to describe what had happened. “It was...unexpected, but nice. Really nice.”
He saw the expression on Robert’s face, and knew he’d have to explain better than that. “Okay, uh, well... You know, details are kind of hazy, at the beginning at least.”
“Well, what I want to make sure of, first, is that nothing happened that you didn’t want to happen.”
“No, doc, it was...mutual.” Really mutual, especially there at the end. Nick flushed, and he had to shift in his seat to make room for the sudden tightness in his jeans. “In fact, he pretty much said what you just did – he didn’t want to take advantage of me in my weakened condition, or something like that.”
Nick chuckled. “We’ve got this kind of competitive thing between us, but since Crane...” He swallowed, not wanting to bring that up again. “Since what happened, he’s been bending over backwards. You know, not baiting me or challenging me very often. So when he said that, about my being weak, he sounded like his old self.
“Here I was having this panic attack, and Rick brought me out of it, just like that. And...we ended up having a...well, a really good night.” Nick chewed his lip. “But now I feel more confused than ever.”
“Understandable. How did you leave things?”
“We haven’t really talked about it.”
“Again, huh?” Nick shifted in his chair once more, this time to avoid Robert’s gaze. “Where is Warrick now?”
“Probably at my place.”
“You know what I’m going to say.”
Yeah, he knew. Nick sighed and checked his watch. Warrick had said he’d be waiting for him after the appointment, promising to cook again. But Nick suspected that they’d continue where they left off the night before. Not an unpleasant prospect, but Robert was right. They really needed to talk.
“But what am I gonna say, doc?”
“I can’t tell you that, Nick. But if you’re confused, and unsure, I would advise you not to act impulsively. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Nick nodded, but inwardly he was torn. If he hadn’t acted on impulse last night, then he never would have let himself kiss Warrick again, which had been wonderful. But then again, maybe the man had a point.
Nick was feeling confused, and he saw the value of taking a step back before getting into a situation he wouldn’t be able to handle.
Christ. ‘Handle,’ he thought, and his face heated up again, remembering something from last night. He covered his sudden ardor by checking his watch again and clearing his throat. Time to get home. “Thanks, doc. I’ll talk to him. I’ve gotta go now.”
“All right, Nick. Good luck.”
~~~~~
Friday, July 14th
“You look happy.”
Nick tried to suppress his grin, but he couldn’t. “Yeah, I am, I guess.”
Robert smiled at Nick’s obvious good mood. “Okay, so what happened?”
“It was amazing, doc. You know, this week was the first time I could go into work without feeling like I was gonna go crazy? Or like I would cry at the drop of a hat? Like I was finally normal again?”
“That’s great, Nick. Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know. Time, and distance, from the...incident, probably. Do you know it’s been more than two months since it happened?” Robert smiled slightly. Yeah, he knows, Nick thought sheepishly. That’s his job. Oh, yeah--
“Therapy has helped, too. A lot,” he emphasized, which got him a chuckle from the therapist.
“Glad to know that, Nick,” he commented. He paused before continuing. “So what’s happened? What made this week feel so different from before?”
“I don’t know, Robert, honestly. I just woke up and I felt like I was back in my own skin. Like I was me again. It was like...someone had just flipped a switch back to “normal” or something. You know what I mean?”
“Yes,” he answered noncommittally.
He can see right through me, I know he can. I can tell by that look in his eyes. He knows this is all about Rick. But what else am I supposed to say?
“So, I bet you want to know about me and Warrick, huh?”
“Have you talked to him at all?”
Nick shook his head, grinning. “Like a broken record, doc.”
Robert laughed. “Yeah, I know, you’re right. Can’t help it – that’s what I do.”
“Well, for your information, we did talk.”
“And?”
“And, you were right about something. He was worried about me, more than I ever thought.” Robert nodded as Nick struggled to find his words. “I didn’t know that. I mean, I knew he was worried, but I just thought it was a friendship thing.”
“It wasn’t?”
“Well yeah, it was, but...it was more, too. He said he cared about me.” Nick looked at his hands and smiled crookedly. “I think this whole thing jelled us together in a different way, you know? I needed him, and he was there, and...things happened that we didn’t expect, but that’s okay. Am I making any sense?”
“Yeah, Nick, you are.”
He thought about what else they’d discussed. The feelings about the stalking that finally seemed to be passing. Leaving their living arrangements the same, for the time being. And keeping all this quiet. Not keeping it secret exactly, but they both knew that it was just between them. They’d even talked about relationship ground rules, and the future. Warrick had left it all up to him. ‘Whatever you want, Nick, whatever you decide,’ he’d said.
The doctor continued to talk, but Nick was lost in remembering... Skin on skin. Hot breath in his ear. Solid weight above him.
His mind flooded with images, and he wasn’t in the office anymore. Instead, the softest lips in the world were kissing him. Razor burn had appeared in the strangest places, but he didn’t mind. The fitted sheet was suddenly being pulled from its moorings. Rick was moaning, deep in his throat.
“And you’re feeling good about the whole situation?” Robert asked, breaking through Nick’s reverie.
He didn’t answer for a moment. He was still lying in Rick’s arms, feeling protected, knowing with certainty that he was safe.
“Yeah. I am,” Nick finally replied.
~~~~~
Monday, July 31st
“I’ve been thinking, doc. And I decided that it’s time for Warrick to go back home.” He could feel the sheen of perspiration on his lip, but he resolved to get through this. It would end today.
“ You decided?”
“Yeah. I haven’t had nightmares for a while, and if I do again, I think I can handle it now.”
Robert was even quieter than usual, just sitting there looking at him. Nick could see the wheels turning, but he was determined .
“How did Warrick react to your decision?” Robert finally asked.
“He’s concerned for me, of course. But it’s time.”
The therapist frowned, obviously skeptical. “Did something happen to make you suddenly decide this?”
“No, not really. It’s just...time to get back to normal.” He looked Robert in the eye, daring him to say anything else. He’s too smart to swallow all that, but I just can’t tell him. If I do, I’ll be here for years, and I can’t afford to do that.
“You’re sure. You just want to go back to the way things were? And there have been no precipitating factors at all,” Robert said doubtfully.
Nick shook his head, though he vividly remembered the so-called precipitating factors. Like that day in the lab when Warrick touched him without thinking; Nick caught Greg watching them, and saw the expression on his face.
Like when he complained to Sara that he never worked with Warrick anymore; she gave him the strangest look as she not-so-jokingly asked ‘What’s the difference? Hey, is there something you want to tell me?’
Like when Warrick made that passing comment that he was missing the gang from the Hard Rock; Nick knew it was because of him, though Warrick would never say so.
Nick just wasn’t ready to deal with all the consequences that this relationship would create. Plus, he had this persistent thought that they were just together because of the trauma. And he knew that that didn’t make a good basis for a relationship. He’d seen too many examples of failure in those circumstances, and he didn’t want to lose Warrick as a friend because of it.
As if reading his mind, Robert asked, “So, what happened between you isn’t going to affect your friendship?”
Nick smiled tiredly. “Remember what you told me? About how we could define...what happened? I could let it come between us. Or I could see that he was helping me through a crisis situation, and put what we did in the category of...well, like a part of the recovery. The crisis seems in the past, so, he can move out. We’ll just be friends again. Back to normal. Do you get what I’m saying?”
Robert raised his eyebrows and nodded. “Well, Nick, I have to admit that I’m a bit surprised. The way things were going, I thought things might...go a different way.”
Nick shrugged and bit his lip, not trusting himself to speak. He felt a prickling behind his eyes and heat in his cheeks. The finality of the situation was hitting him. But he wrested his feelings away from the edge, willed himself under control. This is the way things have to be. I don’t have a choice.
“And I gather you don’t feel the need to come back here any longer.”
After a long, thoughtful pause, Nick answered, “Well, things could change, doc. They have before. But yeah, I think I’m done.” Even if I can’t get over this, I’ll get past it, like everything else that’s happened to me. I’ll *make* everything be okay again.
Robert shook his head and spread his arms. “Okay, then, Nick. Whatever you say. You know that my door is always open to you, right? Anything you ever need to talk about, I’m here.”
“That’s great. Thanks, Robert. Take care of yourself, huh?”
They stood and shook hands, and Nick walked out the door, this time for good.
THE END