Bart : Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

~~~

Bart : Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

~~~

Bart : It's craptacular.

~~~

Bart [about his family]: It’s Captain Bringdown and the Buzzkillers!

~~~

[Doing a newscast on a kids news show]
Bart : Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.

~~~

Bart : I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

~~~

Bart: Don't have a cow, man!

~~~

Bart : What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding.

~~~

Bart : Why would anyone want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace!

~~~

Bart : He dances better than Jesus himself!

~~~

Bart: He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun.   But it was the perfect place to shoot him!

~~~

Bart : [answering the phone] Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.

~~~

Bart : [answering the phone] Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.

 

Beans are neither fruit nor musical
I will not flush the evidence

I will not put ketchup packs under the faculty toilet seats

I should not be 22 by now

Nonflammable is not a challenge.

Making Millhouse cry is not a science project.

I will not instigate revolution
I will not call my teacher ‘hot cakes’
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not xerox my butt
Tar is not a plaything
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not trade pants with others
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I am not a 32-year-old woman
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not cut corners (with ibid marks beneath)
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not belch the national anthem
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off (in calligraphy)
Nobody likes sunburn slappers  

Spitwads are not free speech
High explosives and school don’t mix
I will finish what I sta…
I will not fake rabies
I will not torment the emotionally frail

I ain't not a dorkus [Bart made Principal Skinner write this]
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I’m sick
I saw nothing unusual in the teachers’ lounge
Funny noises are not funny
This punishment is not boring and pointless

I will not prescribe medicine
I will not bury the new kid
Coffee is not for kids
I will not yell ‘she’s dead’ during roll call
The principal’s toupee is not a frisbee
Goldfish don’t bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
I will not sell miracle cures
No one is interested in my underpants
I do not have diplomatic immunity
I will never win an Emmy
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
I am not delightfully saucy
The Pledge of allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
There are plenty of businesses like show business
I will not send lard through the mail
Ralph won’t ‘morph’ if you squeeze him hard enough
Adding ‘just kidding’ doesn’t make it okay to insult the principal
Bagman’ is not a legitimate career choice
Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
This is not a clue…or is it?
I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
Nerve gas is not a toy

Vampire is not a career choice
I will not use abbrev.

No one wants to hear from my armpits
I am not a lean mean spitting machine
The boys room is not a water park
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
The truth is not out there
I no longer want my MTV
My butt does not deserve a website
There was no Roman God named ‘Fartacus’
Rudolph’s red nose is not alcohol-related
I am not the new Dalai Lama
Butt.com is not my email address
No one cares what my definition of ‘is’ is
I will not scream for ice cream
‘The President did it’ is not an excuse
Sherri does not ‘got back’
No one wants to hear about my sciatica
Grammar is not a time of waste
Hillbillies are people too
I do not have diplomatic immunity
It does not suck to be you
I cannot absolve sins
Loose teeth don’t need my help
I have neither been there nor done that

I am so very tired