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Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy Summers: I’m Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. And you
are?
~~~
~~~
Xander Harris: Danger? I laugh in the face of danger!
And then I hide until it goes away.
~~~
Spike: Who do you kill for fun around here?
~~~
Principal Snyder: There are things I will not
tolerate. Students loitering on campus after school. Horrible murders with hearts
being removed. And also smoking.
~~~
Rupert Giles: You should never be cowed by authority.
Except, of course, in this instance where I am clearly right and you are
clearly wrong.
~~~
Giles:
Xander: A “bitca”?
~~~
Buffy: I didn’t jump to conclusions. I took a
small step, and conclusions there were.
~~~
~~~
Xander: And they say that young people don’t
learn anything in high school nowadays, but I’ve learned to be afraid.
~~~
Spike: I did a couple of slayers in my time. I
don’t like to brag. Who am I kidding? I love to brag.
~~~
Harmony: So, Slayer, at last we meet.
Buffy: We’ve met, Harmony, you halfwit.
~~~
Cordelia: I’m the dip.
~~~
Anya: I’m thinking about buying something very
expensive. Maybe an antelope.
~~~
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me, all
red and sporty.
Buffy: Little two-door tramp.
~~~
Buffy: Okay, this is beyond evil, this is insane
troll logic.
~~~
~~~
Xander: You smell sin? Well let me tell you
something, lady, she who smelled it dealt it!
~~~
Spike: Haven’t you figured it all out yet, with
your enormous squishy frontal lobes?
~~~
Xander: You’re gonna be fine.
Anya: Better be. Because if I get
vamped, I’m gonna bite your ass.
Xander: [mutters]
Wouldn’t be the first time.
Anya: What was that?
~~~
Riley Finn: When I’m around you, Buffy, I find myself
needing to know the plural of apocalypse.
~~~
Voice: [ultra
calm] The demons have escaped. Please run for your lives.
Adam: This could be trouble.
Riley: We’d better make a fort.
Adam: I’ll get some pillows.
~~~
Buffy: When he wakes up, tell him... I don’t
know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it.
~~~
~~~
Xander: Hi, for those of you who just tuned in,
everyone here is a crazy person.
~~~
Spike: What, you think I’d come running over
saying, “I’ve got a secret, beat me ‘til I talk”?
~~~
Cordelia: You’re really campaigning for bitch of
the year, aren’t you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you
nervous?
~~~
Giles: [sings]
And Xander, help
~~~
Faith: Five by five.
~~~
Buffy: Spike, what are you doing here? Five
words or less.
Spike: [counting on fingers] Out. For. A. Walk...Bitch.
~~~
Buffy: Xander!
Buffy: You know we love you, right?
Xander: Oh, God, we’re gonna die, aren’t we.
~~~
Buffy: I may be dead, but I’m still pretty.
~~~
~~~
Xander: Calm may work for Locutus of the Borg
here, but I’m freaked out, and I intend to stay that way.
~~~
Spike: Well, then everything’s all right. And we
all get to be not staked through the heart. Good work, team!
~~~
Xander: You’re considered somewhat cool.
Oz: I am?
Xander: Is it because you always
tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal sentences?
Oz: Could be.
~~~
Angel: I wanna torture you. I used to love it,
and it’s been such a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured someone, they
didn’t even *have* chainsaws.
~~~
Cordelia:
~~~
Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I’ve
seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a
guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.
~~~
Buffy: Sorry, but I’m an old-fashioned gal. I
was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and women have the babies.
~~~
~~~
Xander: Did everybody take their crazy flakes
today?
~~~
Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the
Crucifixion was actually there it would’ve been like
~~~
Principal Snyder: Dead? Of course not. Dead.
What are you, ghouls? There are no dead students here. This week.
~~~
Riley: We’re drawing up a plan for world
domination. The key element?
Coffeemakers that think.
~~~
Buffy: Add it up, it all spells duh.
~~~
~~~
Xander: A black eye heals, but cowardice has an
unlimited shelf life.
~~~
Spike: Wow. It’s a big rock. I can’t wait to
tell my friends. They don’t have a rock this big.
~~~
Xander: I’m just saying. Once you get back the
soul, doesn’t that mean you start, like, picking up your own wet towels off the
floor?
~~~
Anya: [practicing
her wedding vows] I, Anya, promise
to love you, to cherish you, to honor you, but NOT to obey you, because that’s
anachronistic and misogynistic and who you do you think you are, like a sea
captain or something?
~~~
Jonathan: Of course I’m scared. Last time we were
here, 33.3 bar percent of us were flayed alive.
~~~
Buffy: I’m gonna give you all a nice, fun,
normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do
it.
~~~
~~~
Xander: It’s time for me to act like a man...and
hide.
~~~
Spike: Can I eat him now, love?
~~~
Buffy: It’s a long story.
Oz: Got bit.
Buffy: But obviously not that long.
~~~
Principal Snyder: That Summers girl. I smell
trouble. I smell expulsion. And just the faintest whiff of jail.
~~~
Larry: I would love to get me some of that Buffy
and
Oz: That’s great, Larry, you’ve
really mastered the single entendre.
~~~
Giles: Sorry to barge in. We have a slight
apocalypse.
~~~
Buffy: What part of punching you in the face did
you not understand?
~~~
[Willow in the magic shop]
~~~
Xander: Well, ‘cause you never know if a girl’s
gonna say yes or if she’s gonna laugh in your face and pull out your
still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.
~~~
Spike: That’s right! I’m back, and I’m a bloody
animal!
~~~
Olaf: Come back, tiny man! You are small and
toy-like!
~~~
Spike: Oh! So that’s odd. You’ve just come to
pump me for information?
Buffy: What else would I want to
pump you for? I really just said that, didn’t I?
~~~
Vamp: Buffy, I’m here to kill you, not to judge
you.
~~~
Buffy: I know Spike’s evil, but you should see
him naked. I mean, *really.*
~~~
~~~
Xander: Angel’s our friend, except I don’t like
him.
~~~
Spike: That’s right, Big Bad is back and looking
for a little death!
~~~
Buffy: Do you remember that demon that almost
got out the night I died?
~~~
Principal Snyder: A lot of educators tell
students, “Think of your principal as your pal.” I say, “Think of me as your
judge, jury, and executioner.”
~~~
[on children]
Joyce: They’re such a... Oh, I don’t
want to say burden, but... Actually, I kind of *do* want to say burden.
~~~
Anya: We’re just kinda thrown by the you having
sex with Spike.
Buffy: The who whatting how with
huh?
Anya: Okay, that’s denial. That
comes before anger.
Buffy: I am not having sex with
Spike!
Anya: Anger.
Xander: No one is judging you. It’s
understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but
well-muscled...
Buffy: I am not having sex with
Spike, but I’m starting to think you are.
~~~
Buffy: You can attack me, you can send assassins
after me, that’s fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!
~~~
Evil
~~~
Xander:
~~~
Spike: If you want me to leave, you can put your
hands on my hot, tight little body and make me.
~~~
Buffy: Meow!
~~~
Anya: You know who else aren’t American? French
people.
~~~
Angel: You know, I never properly thanked you
for sending me to Hell.
Buffy: No...
Angel: I’m wondering, where
do I start? A card, fruit basket, hmm? Evisceration?
~~~
Riley: Back to what I was saying before we were
rudely attacked by nothing.
~~~
Spike: How was your walk, pet?
Drusilla: I met an old man. I didn’t
like him. He got stuck in my teeth.
~~~
Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is
coming from it. This is never good.
~~~
~~~
Xander: We’re right behind you, only further back.
~~~
Spike: So when do we destroy the world, already?
~~~
Angel: “Dear Buffy...” Hmmm. I’m still trying to
decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don’t you rip her lungs
out? That might make an impression.
Angel: Lacks...poetry.
Spike: Doesn’t have to. What rhymes
with lungs?
~~~
Cordelia: Excuse me. Who gave you permission to
exist?
~~~
Principal Snyder: The first day back. It always
gets me. I mean, it’s incredible. One day the campus is completely bare, empty.
The next, there are children everywhere. Like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding
and mating, destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless, desire to exist.
~~~
Giles: I suppose there is a sort of
Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander: I resent that. Or possibly
thank you.
~~~
Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head
cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee,
you were really bad. But when you try to be bad, you suck!
~~~
~~~
Xander: He’s primed. I’ll be pumping him in no
time. [pause] He’ll give us information soon.
~~~
Spike: Ahhhh, my head. I think I’m sobering up.
It’s horrible. Ah... God... I wish I was dead.
~~~
Oz: No, it’s head size.
~~~
Giles: Unbelievable. “Do you like my mask? Isn’t
it pretty? It raises the dead.” Americans!
~~~
Vamp: [to Spike] So is that all I was to you?! A one-bite
stand?
~~~
Xander:
Buffy: See? I told you. Old
Reliable.
Buffy: What?
Buffy: I-I didn’t mean it as--
Willow: No, it’s fine. I’m “Old
Reliable.”
Xander: She just means, you know,
the geyser. You’re like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Xander: Isn’t that the dog that the
guy had to shoot--
Willow: That’s Old *Yeller*.
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help
me.
---
Anya: Listen, I have this little project I’m
working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if--
Willow: Yeah, that’s me. Reliable
dog-geyser-person.
~~~
Buffy: I think I speak for everyone here when I
say, huh?
~~~
Willow: When I’m with a boy I like I can’t say
anything cool, or witty--or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and
then I have to go away.
~~~
Xander: Check this out, they put cheese on round
bread. It’s gonna be big.
~~~
Spike: Is everybody very stoned here?
~~~
Principal Snyder: There are some things I can
just smell. It’s like a sixth sense.
Giles: No, actually, that would be
one of the five.
~~~
Cordelia: People who think their problems are so
huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she’s trying to make it
about her leg. Like my pain meant
nothing.
~~~
Angel: Don’t worry. I’m not here to eat.
~~~
Xander: So, Buffy, how’d the slaying go last
night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how’d the *laying*
go? No, I don’t mean that either.
~~~
Buffy: When the apocalypse comes, beep me.
~~~
Xander: [to
Spike] Fine. I invite you in...
Nimrod.
~~~
Spike: The Ring of Amara. Official sponsor of my
killing you.
~~~
[Spike offers Buffy his flask]
Buffy: Eww.
Spike: It’s not blood. It’s bourbon.
Buffy: Ewww!
~~~
Giles: Rugged. American football. [chuckles] I just think it’s rather odd
that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap
on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.
~~~
Whistler: You know, raiding an Englishman’s fridge
is like dating a nun. You’re never gonna get the good stuff.
~~~
Buffy: Have I ever let you down?
Giles: Do you want me to answer
that, or shall I just glare?
~~~
Anya: Anybody else feel that?
Anya: Cold draft of paralyzing fear?
~~~
Buffy: Cool! Crossbow! Check out these babies.
Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality.
~~~
Xander: Just because you’re better than us
doesn’t mean you can be all superior!
~~~
Spike: [seeing
Angel’s new lair] Nice garden, great
big windows, perfect for when we want the sun to kill us all.
~~~
Buffy: Exactly. I’m sure Oz is
flogging and punishing himself right-- This is sounding wrong before I even
finish.
~~~
Angel: Looking in the mirror every day and
seeing nothing there. It’s an overrated pleasure.
~~~
Giles: Since Angel lost his soul, he’s regained
his sense of whimsy.
~~~
Dawn: [diary
entry] [
~~~
Buffy: Can you vague that up for me?
~~~
Xander: Spike’s working for Adam? After all we’ve
done for-- Nah, I can’t even pretend to act surprised.
~~~
[after Xander’s basement leaks]
Spike: My soddin’ chairs
all...sodden.
~~~
Xander: Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with deadboy
on this one.
Angel: Could you not call me that?
~~~
Giles: Yes, Xander, once again you’ve managed to
boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form.
~~~
Xander: What do you think happened? Another demon
woman was attracted to me. I’m going gay. I’ve decided I’m turning gay.
Xander: You heard me. Just tell me what to do.
I’m mentally undressing Scott Bakula. That’s a start, isn’t it?
Andrew: [sigh]
Captain Archer...
~~~
Angel: I lurk.
~~~
Dawn: Lurk much?
Spike: I wasn’t lurking, I was standin’
about. It’s a totally different vibe.
~~~
Buffy: We saved the world. I say we party.
~~~
Xander: The glorified bricklayer picks up a
spare.
~~~
Giles: We’ll get our memory back, and it will
all be right as rain.
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins.
He’s got his crust all stiff and upper with that
[counting on his fingers]
Spike: Sodding, blimey, shaggin,
knickers, bollocks. Oh, God. I’m English.
Giles: Welcome to the
~~~
Xander: Great plan. That’s right up there with
‘duck and cover.’
~~~
Spike: No tricks?
Adam Walsh: Scout’s honor.
Spike: You were a boy scout?
Adam: Parts of me.
~~~
Xander: No way! I’m full of that
good ol’ kamikaze spirit.
Giles: Xander, just because this is
never going to work, there’s no need to be negative.
~~~
Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won’t
tell anyone that I’m the Slayer, and I won’t tell anyone you’re a moron.
~~~
Buffy: Willow, you’re a gay woman. And he isn’t.
Anya: His physical presence has a
penis!
---
Anya: Yeah, right. What are you
going to do, use magic to make him into a girl?
[
Anya: Damn!
~~~
Xander: It’s funny if you’re me.
~~~
Psych Vamp: It’s not exactly like you have the patent
on bad relationships.
Buffy: Wouldn’t it be cool if I did?
~~~
Anya: I know how you talk about me behind my
back. “I dislike that Anya. She’s newly human, and strangely literal.”
~~~
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth
logic.
~~~
Ampata: You are strange.
Xander: Girls always tell me
that...right before they run away.
~~~
Mayor Wilkins: There’s more than one way to skin a cat.
And I happen to know that factually that’s true.
~~~
Angel: Why are you riding me?
Buffy: Because I don’t trust you.
You’re a vampire. Oh, I’m sorry, is that an offensive term? Should I say
‘undead-American’?
~~~
Anya: I am.
Anya: Had a thing.
Spike: Didn’t last.
Spike: Briefly.
Buffy: NEVER serious.
[Xander and Spike look at each other]
Anya: At least we’re all bipeds,
which is more than I can say about Ronnie the worm boy.
~~~
Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
~~~
Vampire: Oh my God!
Buffy: Oh your God, what?
Vampire: Well, not my
God because I defy him and all of his works. Does he exist? Is there
word on that, by the way?
Buffy: Nothing solid.
~~~
Xander: Dorkhead? You lash me with your words!
~~~
Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and
Buffy saves me.
~~~
Buffy: I don’t play well with others.
~~~
Xander: I’m a conquistador.
Joyce: Are you sure it isn’t comfort?
Xander: I’m a comfortador, also.
~~~
Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a
spell. And then I do a spell by myself.
~~~
Spike: Get up, get out, get drunk. Repeat as
needed.
~~~
Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may
be very attracted to me? [long pause] She’s possessed.
~~~
Xander: I don’t handle rejection well.
~~~
Giles: They came after me, but I was more than a
match for them.
Buffy: Meaning?
Giles: I hid.
~~~
Buffy: You need a personality, stat.
~~~
Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my
neck. I saw that.
Angel: No, I wasn’t.
Xander: Just keep your distance,
pal.
Angel: I wasn’t looking at your
neck.
Xander: I told you to eat before we
left.
~~~
Xander: Is there something more emphatic than
hate? Can I revile the plan?
~~~
Buffy: Who are you?
Angel: Let’s just say, I’m a friend.
Buffy: Yeah, maybe I don’t want a
friend.
Angel: I didn’t say I was yours.
~~~
Buffy: Are you crazy? You just don’t
sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk, you stomp,
or... yodel.
~~~
Buffy: Remember: The ritual starts, we all die;
and I’ll kill anyone who comes near Dawn. [exits]
Spike: Well, not exactly the St.
Crispin’s Day speech, was it?
Giles: We few, we happy few...
Spike: ...we band of buggered.
~~~
Principal Snyder: I know Principal Flutie would
have said, “Kids need understanding; kids are human beings.” It’s the kind wooly-headed liberal thinking
that leads to being eaten.
~~~
Xander: I don’t get this. The candy is supposed
to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I’ve had a ton and I don’t feel any
diff-- Never mind.
~~~
Andrew: You think after she kills us she’s going
to stop with us? You saw her, she’s a truck-driving magic mama! It’ll be
seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everyone into Jawa burgers and none of
you will have the mediclorines to even stop her!
Xander: You’ve never had the tiniest
bit of sex have you?
~~~
The Master: You were destined to die. It was written.
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the
written.
~~~
Xander: Yeah, I’m irrational that
way.
~~~
Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library
getting all sweaty.
Cordelia: You mean training?
Xander: I stand by my phrase.
~~~
Spike: No need to thank me. I’m just the one who
beat him off! [pause] Repelled him would perhaps be the better
phrase.
~~~
Xander: What’s taking you so long?
Spike: Give me a second. I’m
packing.
[Spike starts loading things into a bag]
Xander: Hey! That’s my lamp, you
can’t steal my lamp!
Spike: You’re what, shocked and
surprised? Do I have to remind you that I am Evil?
~~~
Buffy: So let me get this straight. You’re Dracula. The guy? The count?
Dracula: I am.
Buffy: And you’re sure this isn’t just some
fan-boy thing? Cause I’ve fought more than a couple pimply overweight vamps
that called themselves Lestat.
~~~
Xander: This totally adds to my ‘old people are
crazy’ theorem.
~~~
Spike: Okay. Is it bigger than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Four left.
Spike: So it’s smaller than a
breadbox.
Harmony: Heh heh! No, only three.
Spike: Harmony. Is it a sodding
breadbox?
Harmony: Yes! Oh, my God. Someone’s
blondie bear is a Twenty Questions genius!
~~~
Xander: You know what?! I’m sick of this crap. I’m sick of being the
guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis! As of this moment it’s over.
I am finished being everybody’s butt-monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.
~~~
Xander: The band, yeah. They’re great. They
march.
~~~
Buffy: Being called an idiot tends to take
people out of the dating mood.
Xander: That actually kinda turns me
on.
Buffy: I fear you.
~~~
Xander: We’re in the Crime Club, which is kind of
like the Chess Club. Only with Crime. And no Chess.
~~~
Xander: And speaking of love...
Xander: Do I deconstruct your segues?
~~~
Buffy: Are you mad at me?
Riley: No, no. Not at all. I’m
plotting your death, but in a happy way.
~~~
Dawn: I feel safe with you.
Spike: Take that back!
~~~
Xander: Yep, vampires are real. A lot of ‘em live
in Sunnydale.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.
~~~
[about Angel]
Xander: Man, that guy got major neck
in his day.
~~~
Giles: You might have let me in on
your plan while he throttled me.
Spike: Oh, poor Watcher. Did your
life pass before your eyes? Cup o’ tea, cup o’ tea, almost got shagged, cup o’
tea.
~~~
Giles: I can hear you,
~~~
Xander: Giles lived for school. He’s still bitter
there were only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class
thinking, “There should be more math! This could be mathier.”
Xander: Come on. You don’t think he
ever got restless as a kid?
Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers
were tweed.
~~~
Buffy: How bored were you last year?
Giles: I’ve watched Passions with
Spike. Let us never speak of it.
~~~
Spike: I wish I was dead.
Buffy: Well, if you close your eyes
and wish real hard...
~~~
Harmony: Being a vampire sucks!