HOMER SIMPSON

Homer : "D'OH!"

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Homer : (in medieval times) D'oh-eth!

Homer : Old people don't need companionship.  They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Homer : To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

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Homer : The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

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Homer : Lousy Smarch weather.

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Homer : Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

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Homer : In your face, space coyote!

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Homer : Take that, Lisa’s beliefs!

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Homer : The dictionary defines a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

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Homer : I knew this day would come! The cows have come back to take what’s theirs.

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Homer : I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

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Homer : Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.

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Homer : I want answers or I want them eventually!

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Homer : I've decided to dedicate my life to something noble and easy.

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Homer : I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming.

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Homer : Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

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Homer : I always knew I'd die caked in something!

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Homer : Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

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Homer : Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

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Homer : Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

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Homer : Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand.

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Homer : Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

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Homer : There, there, Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth doing.

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Homer : There's a lesson here for all of us.   It's better to watch stuff than to do stuff.

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Homer : Homer no function beer well without.

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Homer : I see the light...and it burns!!!

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Homer : Come on, Marge, we're a team!   It's uter- us, not uter- you!

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Homer : Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

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Homer : It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

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Homer : Operator! Give me the number for 911!

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Homer : What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

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[Looking at Uruguay on a map]
Homer : Heehee! Look at this country! "You are gay."

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[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
Homer : No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.

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Homer : When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie Police Academy.

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Homer : There's a crayon in my brain? [points to chest]

[Researcher moves hand to head]

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Homer : I literally chewed the scenery.

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Homer : Effigy, eh?   Nothin' burns like an effigy.

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Homer : You can't hate me!   I'm your better!   Your BET-ter!

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Homer : It's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up!

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Homer : Area codes?! Like I don't have enough to remember!

[holds up hand which has written on it: Lenny=White, Carl=Black]

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[comes to sit with kids in front of dog house]

Homer : Television broken?

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Homer : If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they make my shoes smell good?

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Homer : Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

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Homer : I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!   I mean, S-M-A-R-T!

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[Whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]
Homer : Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!
[runs into a chestnut tree]

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Homer : [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R.

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Homer [singing]: I've been sittin' on the toilet/ All the live long day...

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Homer : Lisa, I've had it with you and your stories. "Bart's a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells."   Now let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

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Homer : Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

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Homer : We're not signing anything, unless it's a contract!

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Homer : Well, I hope you've learned your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.

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Homer : You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving!

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Homer : Why won't those idiots let me into their crappy club for jerks?

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Homer : Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

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Homer : I don't care if Ned Flanders IS the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story.

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Homer : [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.

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Homer : I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world! I wanna watch TV in a different time zone! I wanna visit strange, exotic malls! I'm sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to LIVE, Marge! Won't you let me LIVE?!

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Homer : I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap like that.

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Homer [to chiropractor]: Less yackin', more crackin'!

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Homer : If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

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Homer : We can outsmart those dolphins! Don't forget -- we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup!

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Homer : Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! OW!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!

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Homer : I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

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Homer : English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

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Homer : Look Marge, you don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!

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[Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead]
Homer : Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer : Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer : Woo-hoo!

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Homer : Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

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Homer's brain : Use reverse psychology.
Homer : Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer : Okay, I will!

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Insurance Agent : Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place "Moe's" you left just before the accident. This is a business of some kind?
Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. Gasp! But what else is open at night?
Homer : It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer's Brain: Heh heh heh. I woulda never thought of that.

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[Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone]
Homer : I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.
Homer's brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.
Homer : D'oh!

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Marge : Oh Maggie, when are you going to talk?
Lisa: Well, don't push her. Remember, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer's brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
Homer: Takes one to know one.
Homer's brain: Swish!

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Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer : Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
[Sound FX : step step step step step... slam]

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Homer : This is it, the last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in, I'll have to quit drinking!
Homer’s Liver: Woo-hoo!
Homer: Quiet, you !

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Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"?
Homer : No! I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer : Mmmmmm... fuzzy.

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[Moe is describing a plan to Homer]
Moe Szyslak: Okay Homer, this olive is you...
Homer : Mmmmmm... me...

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Mmmmmm... DOUGHNUTS!!!!!!!

Mmmmmm... floor pie

Mmmmmm... sacrilicious

Mmmmmm... erotic cakes

Mmmmmm... pointy

Mmmmmm... forbidden doughnut

Mmmmmm... unexplained bacon

Mmmmmm... organized crime

Mmmmmm... incapacitating

Mmmmmm....open faced club sandwich

Mmmmmm... snouts

Mmmmmm... turbulent

Mmmmmm... something

Mmmmmm... free goo

Mmmmmm... invisible cola
Mmmmmm... hog fat
Mmmmmm... mediciney

Mmmmmm... memo

Mmmmmm... unprocessed fish sticks

Mmmmmm... crumbled-up cookie things

Mmmmmm... fattening

Mmmmmm... big bag of free peanuts

Mmmmmm... manjula

Mmmmmm... loganberry
Mmmmmm... anthrax

Mmmmmm... pistol whip

Mmmmmm... hug

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Homer: Save me Jebus!!!!!!!

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[Praying heavenward]
Homer : I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

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Homer : God bless those pagans.

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Homer : Now I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking.

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Homer : God, can you hear me? Oh, of course you can, you're omnivorous.

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Homer : God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick--
Homer : [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer : I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.

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Homer : [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. [brief pause] Thy bidding will be done.
[munch munch munch]

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Marge : Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
Homer : There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

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Homer : God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!
Marge : Tested, Homer. God tested Moses.

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