Jokes

History's Least Effective Campaign Slogans

Vote for me, I'll make a great whatcha-ma-callit!

Higher Taxes and Shakespeare in Every Park!

Electricity: The Devil’s Candle!

Vote for Me…or are you Gay?

Meat, Guns and Beer. Not in my Texas!

C’mon Ladies, Eatin’ ain’t Cheatin’!

Vote for Me or Get a Visit From Fat Tony.

Do You Know Where Your Slave Is?

My Opponent is Brimming Neck to Toe with Crabs.

Rhode Island. Like it Matters.

Temperature in Fahrenheit:
+60 Californians put on sweaters.
+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
+40 You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 Italians cars don’t start.
+32 Water freezes.
+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.
+25 Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.
+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further south.
+15 French cars don’t start.
Cat insists on sleeping with you.
+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 American cars don’t start.
0 Canadians put on T-shirts.
-10 German cars don’t start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don’t start.
-25 Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
Wisconsin-Eau Claire students walk rapidly across the footbridge.
-30 You plan a two week hot bath.
Swedish cars don’t start.
-40 Californians disappear.
Minnesotans button top button.
Canadians put on sweater.
Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 Hell freezes over.
Polar bears move south.
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.

Funny Instructions
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as
possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept
those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Top Ten Answering Machine Messages

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please, speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number #1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!" "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives,
they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

HOW TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATES

1. Sit up. Say "time to make the doughnuts." Leave. Do this often.

2. Every five minutes, get up, open door, peek out, close door, and look relieved.

3. Name your socks.

4. Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at any areas of the room that are sunny.

5. Pick up the phone every five minutes and say "hello." Look confused and hang up.

6. Answer the alarm clock when the phone rings and vice versa.

7. Try to make meals using your roommate's electric blanket.

8. Hang your posters upside down.

9. Unwrap a candy bar. Throw the chocolate away. Eat the wrapper. Smile.

10. When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.

11. Address your roommate by a different name each time you talk to her/him.

12. Speak in limericks.

13. Announce "nature is calling." Run for the phone. Answer it.

14. Seal an envelope. Write a letter. Complain loudly that you cannot get it into the envelope. Discard and repeat.

15. Aerate your underwear drawer. Claim "they" are not getting enough oxygen.

16. Constantly drink from an empty glass.

17. Respond to your roommate's questions with unrelated answers.

18. Every time you handle something of your roommate's, use a tissue or gloves.

19. While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won't start.

20. Name your animal crackers. Mourn them after you eat them.

Squawks

"Squawks" are maintenance complaints US Air Force pilots leave for their ground crews to address between flights. Here are some actual squawks and the replies to each from maintenance. "P" represents the pilot's problem or complaint, and "S" is the solution, or response, from maintenance.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on order.

P: Number three engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

P: Target Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

1. My Karma just ran over your Dogma. Now, I am at one with the road.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
8. I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
9. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
14. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
15. All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
16. I am at one with my duality.
17. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
18. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
20. Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?
21. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
22. False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
23. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
24. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
25. Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
26. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
27. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
28. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
29. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.
30. I will find diversions in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
31. The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
32. My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
33. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
34. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.

My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No" and shoot him.

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push."

I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."