Buttercup: We'll never
survive!
Westley: Nonsense! You're
only saying that because no one ever has.
~~~
Inigo: Who are you?
Westley: No one of consequence.
Inigo: I must know.
Westley: Get used to disappointment.
~~~
Westley: Give us the gate
key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: Oh, you mean *this* gate
key.
~~~
Inigo: Hello. My name is
Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
~~~
Vizzini: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!
Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think
it means what you think it means.
~~~
Inigo: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill
you.
Westley: You seem a decent fellow. I
hate to die.
~~~
Prince Humperdinck: Surrender!
Westley: You mean you wish to surrender
to me? Very well, I accept.
~~~
~~~
Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong - that's
what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha-ha, you fool!
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is
"Never get involved in a land war in Asia," but only slightly less
well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian, when *death* is on
the line!" Hahahahahah!
Ahahahahahahaha! Hahaha--
[falls over dead]
Dr. Pearl: People ask me, were you... You must have
been the class clown. And I say, No, I wasn't. But I sat next to the class
clown, and I studied him.
~~~
Ron Albertson: We consider ourselves bi-coastal, if you
consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts.
David St. Hubbins: Such a fine line between
stupid and...clever.
~~~
Mick Shrimpton: As long as there's, you know, sex and
drugs, I can do without the rock and roll.
~~~
Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right
across the board. Eleven, eleven, eleven--
Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten.
Nigel: Exactly.
Marty: Does that mean it's louder?
Is it any louder?
Nigel: Well, it's one louder, isn't
it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten.
You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on
ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty: I don't know--
Nigel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do
is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty: Why don't you just make ten
louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
[pause]
Nigel: These go to eleven.
Col. Mustard: Do you like
Kipling, Miss Scarlett?
Miss Scarlett: Sure, I'll eat anything.
~~~
Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor
of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics
suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work
for the United Nations.
Wadsworth: So your work has not
changed.
~~~
Mrs. White: It's a matter of life after death; now
that he's dead, I have a life.
~~~
Mrs. White: He had threatened
to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlett: Why would he want to
kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant, he
threatened, in public, to kill her.
~~~
Wadsworth: Well, to make a long story short...
Col. Mustard:
Too late.
~~~
Mrs. White: Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft,
strong, and disposable.
~~~
Col. Mustard: You lure
men to their deaths like a spider with flies!
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable!
Col. Mustard: Right!...
~~~
Col. Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in
front of the other guests?
Wadsworth: You don't need any help
from me, sir.
Col. Mustard: That's right!
~~~
Mrs. Peacock: What are you doing?
Col. Mustard:
Just checking.
Mrs. Peacock: Is everything all right?
Col. Mustard: Yep. Two corpses, everything's fine.
~~~
Miss Scarlett: Communism is just
a red herring.
~~~
Prof. Plum: What are you afraid of, a fate worse than
death?
Mrs. Peacock: No, just death, isn't
that enough?
~~~
Prof. Plum: But is the FBI in
the habit of cleaning up after multiple murder?
Wadsworth: Yes. Why do you think
it's run by a man called Hoover?
~~~
Wadsworth: Just like the Mounties; we always get our
man!
Mr. Green: Mrs. Peacock was a man?!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Wait a minute. Robin Hood
steals money from my pocket, forcing
me to hurt the public, and they love him for it? [scribe nods] That's it
then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers
and orphans. No more merciful
beheadings. And call off Christmas!
~~~
Sheriff of Nottingham: Robin Hood!!! I’ll cut your heart out with a spoon!
[later, in the dungeons]
Guy of Gisbourne: Why a spoon,
cousin? Why not an axe, or a sword, or--
Sheriff of Nottingham: Because it's
DULL, you twit, it'll hurt more!
Archie: Are you totally de-ranged??
Otto: You pompous,
stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead,
asshole!
Archie: How very interesting. You're
a true vulgarian, aren't you?
Otto: You are the vulgarian, you
fuck!
~~~
Otto: Look, you
obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady. It's an X-K-Red-27
technique.
Wendy: My father was in the Secret
Service, Mr. Manfredjinsinjin, and I know perfectly
well that you don't keep the general public informed when you are
"debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house."
Otto: Oh, you don't,
huh?
Wendy: Not unless you're
congenitally insane or irretrievably stupid, no.
Otto: Don't call me
stupid!
Wendy: Why on earth not?
Otto: Oh, you English
are SO superior, aren't you? Well, would
you like to know what you'd be without us, the ol' US of A to protect you? I'll
tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what. So
don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me!
Wendy: (sarcastically) Well thank
you for popping in and protecting us!
Otto: If it wasn't for
us, you'd all be speaking German!
Singing "Deutchland, Deutchland, Über Alles!"
~~~
Wanda: (about Otto) He's so dumb...
Archie: Really?
Wanda: ...he thought that the
Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.
Archie: And those terrible
lies he told about the CIA! So painful..
Wanda: And when he heard
your daughter was named Portia, he said, "Why did they name her after a car?"
~~~
Otto: Pork away
pal! Fuck her blue.
Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One
look at it and the target shits him- or herself. Try it on.
Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact
than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have
that wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I
mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked
with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby: Well, then, you know,
don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get
off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I
had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You
lit a few fires!
Loki: I rained down sulfur, man,
there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: You know, fuck you, man, any
moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur is like an
endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting practice one can engage
in. Next to soccer.
~~~
Jay: Guys like us don't just fall out of the
sky, you know! [Rufus falls naked out of
the sky] Beautiful naked big-tittied women don't just fall out of the sky,
you know! [nothing] Worth a try.
~~~
Azrael: No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin
greater... than central air.
~~~
Serendipity: How? That's the only thing I couldn't
figure out.
Azrael: Oh no, I've seen WAY too
many Bond movies to know that you never reveal ALL the details of your plan, no
matter how close you may think you are to winning.
J: Why the big secret? People are smart,
they can handle it.
K: A *person* is smart. People are
dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.
~~~
Beatrice: You here to make fun of me too?
K: No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not
have a sense of humor we're aware of. May we come in?
Beatrice: Sure.
Newman: What line are you in?
Jeff: Brain surgery. Professional brain surgery.
~~~
Muerte: My name is Muerte. Don’t you forget that.
~~~
Lieutenant: Cute baby. Boy or girl?
Jeff: Gosh, I hope so.
~~~
Jane: Let me get this straight. You took our
baby into a knife fight?
Jeff: It was a fair fight – two of them, two of
us.
~~~
Muerte: My name...is Muerte.
Jeff Blue: Well, I’m pleased to meet
you Morty, my name is Jeff.
~~~
Lieutenant: What do you do for a living, sir?
Jeff: I’m an Electrolux salesman. I don’t know
what brand of vacuum cleaner you’re currently using, but believe me, the
Electrolux is the biggest sucker of them all.
~~~
[M roughs up a bar]
Muerte: My
name is Muerte! My name is death!! Don’t you forget that!!! Scum-hooks!
~~~
Lieutenant: What did you say you did for a living?
Jeff: I’m an airline pilot.
Lieutenant: Thought you said you were a vacuum
cleaner salesman.
Jeff: Well if you knew, why’d you ask?
~~~
Jeff: People in a major hurry never look at the
driver.
~~~
Jeff: [answers
phone] Yello.
Muerte: [voice] This Blue?
Jeff: Speaking.
Muerte: Do you remember me?
Jeff: Well you have a really sexy voice. But
hey, I’m a happily married man.
Muerte: Well you‘re gonna be a dead man soon.
Jeff: [laughs] Who is this again?
Muerte: This is Muerte.
Jeff: Morty!
Muerte: No! No Morty. Muerte! Death!
Jeff: Yeah, right, Death...
Muerte: Mm-hmm. That’s right. I’m going to come
for you, man. I’m going to come for you,
and I’m going to kill you, okay--
Jeff: Morty, Morty, Morty, it’s late. What’s
the bottom line here?
Muerte: The bottom line? The bottom line is
you’re gonna die, man. Ugly.
Jeff: Look Morty, do me a favor, okay? Don’t
call here anymore unless you want to have, like, a serious conversation, all
right? [hangs up]
Muerte: Excuse me, no! Oh-- hello? Hello?
~~~
[Several goons point guns]
Goon: Don't make any sudden moves.
Jeff Blue: Why not? Is there a bee
on me?
~~~
Jeff: FBI, you’re under arrest! You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, you may talk,
sing, dance, impersonate Elvis, or anything else you like. You also have the right to an attorney. If you’re broke and can’t afford an attorney,
tough shit! Now get in the car, you suspected felon, you!
~~~
Paulina: I am Paulina Novacek. Your name?
Muerte: My name is Muerte.
Paulina: As in *death*?
Muerte: Si. Si, yes! You speak Spanish?
Paulina: Si, si.
Muerte: I trust you.
~~~
Jane: Kill the lights.
[Jeff smashes the lamp]
Jane: [laughs] I meant turn it off.
~~~
Jeff: You know, I can figure you getting me. I
could figure you grabbing Jane. But to get your hands on the Bossman himself,
The Big M.
[a gagged M vigorously shakes his head]
Paulina: What? Do you mean to say that this man is
your superior?!
Jeff: I said to him, Sir, the risk is too
great. You stay here in the Hollow
Mountain where it’s safe, and I shall go forth--
Muerte: [muffled]
No!
No!
Paulina: Take this gag off.
Muerte: No, no, no! My name is MORTY!
Guard: Danger Powers’ personal effects.
Austin: Actually, my name is Austin Powers.
Guard: Says here “Name, Danger Powers.”
Austin: No-no-no-no. Danger’s my middle name.
~~~
Dr. Evil: How was your day?
Scott Evil: Well, my friend Sweet Jay took me to that
video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got
into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak
French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just
back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like,
"Make me!" It was cool.
~~~
Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis,
Austin Powers.
Scott Evil: What, are you feeding
him? Why don't you just kill him?
Dr. Evil: No, Scott, I have an even
better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving
an overly elaborate and exotic death.
[to the one-eyed Captain]
Porthos: Rochefort. Isn't that a smelly kind of
cheese?
~~~
Guard: Are you coming peacefully, or do you
intend to resist?
Porthos: Oh don't be so stupid, of
course we intend to resist! Just give us a moment, all right?!
~~~
Porthos: This sash was given to me by the Queen of
America.
D’Artagnan: There’s no Queen of America.
Porthos: I beg to differ, infant. We’re on quite
intimate terms, unless you can prove otherwise.
~~~
Porthos: This axe was a gift to me from the
Czarina of Tokyo.
~~~
Porthos: I see. It’s Twit of the Month, come to
challenge the mighty Porthos. Thinks he’s lightning with a sword—
D’Artagnan: The mighty who?
Porthos: Don't tell me you've never
heard of me.
~~~
Bad Guy: Porthos the Pirate! AAAAH!!!
[bad guys jump overboard]
D’Artagnan: Pirate?
Porthos: I told you I was famous.
Mother: We turn ourselves in now, they’ll give us
20 years in the electric chair!
~~~
Whistler: I want peace on earth, and good will
toward man.
Abbott: We are the United States government. We
don’t do that sort of thing!
Ben: Look, you confused? You need
guidance? Talk to another writer.
Barton Fink: Who?
Ben: Jesus, throw a rock in here,
you'll hit one. And do me a favor, Fink - throw it hard.
Yoda: Hard to see, the
dark side is.
~~~
Darth Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
~~~
Yoda: Fear is the path
to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to
suffering. I sense much fear in you.
~~~
Qui-Gon Jinn: Remember: Your
focus determines your reality.
~~~
Yoda: Always two there
are. No more, no less. A master and an apprentice.
~~~
Beed: I don't care what
universe you're from, that's got to
hurt!
~~~
Obi-Wan Kenobi: The Force is what
gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It
surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.
~~~
Han Solo: Not a bad bit of
rescuing, huh? You know, sometimes I amaze even myself.
Princess Leia: That doesn't sound
too hard.
~~~
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Use the Force,
Luke.
~~~
Leia: Why, you stuck up,
half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!
Han Solo: Who's scruffy-looking?
~~~
Obi-Wan Kenobi: If you strike me down, I shall become
more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
~~~
Yoda: Size matters not.
Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For
my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it
grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this
crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; between you, me, the tree,
the rock, everywhere. Yes, even between the land and the ship.
~~~
Luke Skywalker: All right, I'll
give it a try.
Yoda: No! Try not. Do, or do not.
There is no try.
~~~
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Luke, you're going
to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of
view.
Craig Zwiller: If you are gonna go...
Patrick
Wheeler: Might as well be coming.
~~~
Patrick: I think maybe I should mention before you
make any faux pas here, that we have a tradition in this family, that we don't
kill other people.
~~~
Patrick: You
have two others!
Craig: It's a collection! They're antique cars. Two old cars is not a
collection! It's a guy with two old cars.
~~~
Patrick: I don't want to risk having bad sex today.
I don't want it to be the last thing on my mind.
Meistrich: Oh. The danger of the chase has made you
perspire. It has made me also... moist.
~~~
Sparks: Are either of you Greek?
Arthur: No.
Maurice: Well, yes, actually I'm
half-Greek.
Sparks: Top half or bottom half?
~~~
Emily: Do you know the gentleman who stole your
wife?
Happy Franks: Danny Sussman. He was
my agent.
Emily: Some agent.
Happy: He was a great agent! I loved
him like a brother. I loved my wife like a mother and a hooker. And look where
it's got me!
~~~
Arthur: You stole my death. I couldn’t believe it. I thought, why is he dying? Today is my day to die.
Maurice: I was really, really confused.
Arthur: Did you think that you were supposed to
die?
Maurice: I was confused. I was unsure, and I made
a choice.
Arthur: But didn’t you see that I was dying?
~~~
Arthur: You know what really burns me up? What
really gets my goat, is that Mike had a great death coming up, and he was
cheated.
~~~
Arthur: Oh, my God! We're gonna die! We're going
to die!!! I don’t want to die--
Maurice: Arthie, listen. Your dream
has come true. You’ll have your great tragic death!
Arthur: I DON'T WANT A REAL ONE!
~~~
Maurice: [toasting] To life.
Arthur: And it’s many deaths.
Billy Tallent: [answering machine] I can't come to the
phone right now. I'm eating corn chips
and masturbating. Please leave a
message.
~~~
Joe Dick: There's two ways to look at it.
Billy wants the models and limousines, while I'm happy with hookers and
taxicabs.
~~~
Billy Tallent: <buzzes>
The category is cool movies, not dumb-ass movies, Alex Trebek.
Mayor Deebs: A toast! I would like to say, that I
would rather be with the people of this town, than with the finest people in
the world!
~~~
[re: The Nelson Promotional Cow]
CD Bales: I think it’s a fantastic idea.
Mayor: Do you like it?
CD: I do, I love it. I think it’s GREAT! [walks away] Great
idea. I think it’s brilliant! What an
idea! And I was there. I saw it
happen! He took the idea. He saw it ripe on the tree. He plucked it, and he put it in his pocket.
It’s, it’s – dare I say – genius?! No.
No. But maybe, ooh, ah, maybe it
is! Maybe I’m in the presence of greatness.
Maybe I just don’t know it. But I
saw it...
~~~
[CD bursts into the doctor’s office]
CD: This time I want you to do it, Dave, I
want you to CUT THE THING OFF! I’m tired
of having a magnificent, fabulous, interesting nose. I want a cute little pert
little petite little button nose! Gimme the American Beauty, Dave.
Dave: CD, you know I can’t.
CD: Oh, yes you can, Dave. You can do it. Get the knife. Cut me, Dave, cut it!
~~~
CD: Chris, do you know what carpe diem is?
Chris: Some kind of fish, fish bait, what?
CD: No, it’s Latin. It means Seize the Day. It means there may not be a tomorrow, so do
it now, seek life now, while you’re young, while you’ve got the chance.
Chris: You’re telling me to go after Roxanne.
CD: No. I wouldn’t. I’d wait.
Mail her a letter.
~~~
Dixie: Hey Roxanne, what’s a light year?
CD: Same as a regular year, only it has less
calories.
~~~
Chris: I was a stupid, bumbling, uh... [CD indicates rear end] Pointer.
Roxanne Kowalski: [mutters] Pointer?
Chris: No-no, stupid... [CD points again] I mean...
stupid ass. Yeah.
Roxanne: So why’d you say those things?
Chris: Why’d I say those things?
CD: [whispers] Tell her you were afraid.
Chris: Because I was afraid.
Roxanne: Of me? What do you mean, you were afraid,
afraid of what?
CD: [whispers] Tell her you were afraid of words.
Chris: What-what-what?
CD: [whispers] *Words!*
Chris: Because I was afraid of WORMS, Roxanne,
WORMS!
~~~
CD: Ten more seconds, and I'm leaving.
Roxanne: [opening door] What did you
say?!
CD: I said Ten more seconds, and I'm
leaving.
Roxanne: Oh. [goes inside]
CD: Wait a minute, what’d you think
I said?
Roxanne: I thought you said “Earn
more sessions by sleeving.”
CD: Well, what the hell does that mean?
Roxanne: I don’t know, that’s why I came out.
~~~
Obvious: Say, is that your nose, or did a bus park
on your face?
Fashionable: You know you could de-emphasize your nose
if you wore something larger... like Wyoming!
Personal: Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
Punctual: All right, Dellman, your nose was on
time, but YOU were 15 minutes late.
Envious: Ooohhh, I wish I were you! Gosh. To be
able to smell your own ear?!
Naughty: Pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have
asked if you wouldn’t mind putting that thing away.
Philosophical: You know, it’s not the size of a nose that’s important. It’s
what’s in it that matters!
Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Sneeze, and it’s goodbye, Seattle.
Commercial: Hi, I’m Earl Scheib and I can paint that
nose for $39.95.
Polite: Would you mind not bobbing your head? The
orchestra keeps changing tempo.
Melodic: Everybody. [sings] He’s got the whole
world in his nose.
Sympathetic: Aw, what happened, did your parents lose
a bet with God?
Complimentary: You must LOVE the little birdies to give
them this to perch on.
Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the
tides?
Obscure: Whoo.
I’d hate to see the grindstone. Hey, think about it.
Inquiring: When you stop and smell the flowers, are
they afraid?
French: Say, zee pigs have refused to find any
more truffles until you leave!
Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women
at once!
Religious: The Lord giveth... and he
just kept on giving, didn’t he?
Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair?
Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the
morning and smell the coffee...in Brazil.
Appreciative: Ooh, how original, most people just have
their teeth capped!
Dirty: Your name wouldn’t be Dick, would it?
[Dr. is caught doing a maneuver
incorrectly]
Dr. Kirkwood: Of course I know the Heimlich. I know
the Heimlich! I know the-- Jim, you know I know the Heimlich! I love
the Heimlich. I’m always doing the
Heimlich. It’s one of my favorite
maneuvers.....I’m a medical DOCTOR!
Announcer: We interrupt this program to increase
dramatic tension.
~~~
Freakazoid: If I’m not back in five minutes, keep
waiting.
~~~
Cosgrove: You're not a failure, kid. It's just that
your ideas are silly and dumb.
~~~
Baffeardin the Lawn Gnome: We are wise and cunning.
Husga the Lawn Gnome: We stole man's fire and then
tried to hide it in our pockets.
Baffeardin the Lawn Gnome: That was painful and dumb. So
we became even more cunning.
~~~
The Lobe: I went to all the trouble to think up
this amazing, brilliant scheme. The least you can do is chase me around!
~~~
Hans: Now, come. We mustn't linger. It is not
safe here at night.
Freakazoid: It's day.
Hans: Well then, I suppose we can linger for a
moment.
~~~
Gutierrez: Revenge is a dish best served with pinto
beans and muffins!
~~~
Announcer: This has been brought to you by Anubis
Markets, a division of Osiris Foods.
"Food so good, you can eat it!"
~~~
Longhorn: Son, you’re dumber than a bowl of mice.
~~~
Freakazoid: Dumb, dumb, dumb! Never tell the villain
how to trap you in a cage!
Gutierrez: You probably shouldn't have helped us
build it, either.
Freakazoid: I know! Dumb!
~~~
Guitierrez: Freakazoid, help me! Would you let your
father fall?
Freakazoid: My father?! You're my father??
Guitierrez: Uh...er, yes! I *am* your father!
[F! starts to give G his hand, then stops]
Freakazoid: Who was my mother?
Guitierrez: Uh...Faye Dunaway?
[F! stands up and crosses his arms]
Freakazoid: No she's *not*
Guitierrez: Kaye Ballard?
Freakazoid: Kaye--nooo.
Guitierrez: Would you believe Sandy Duncan?
~~~
Douglas Douglas: You know, Duncan, you're the only one who
ever *sees* this blue guy.
Duncan Douglas: He's REAL!
Debbie Douglas: Well, of course he's real to *you* dear,
but that's because you're probably insane.
Kevin Black: Yeah, I think we should just take that
right to bed, see how it creases the sheets.
~~~
Dougie Franklin: Don't adjust your set... the show's
supposed to look like this.
~~~
Harold Green: Be the best you can be... considering.
~~~
Red Green: If the women don't find you handsome,
they should at least find you handy.
~~~
Mike Hammer: I like to listen to the sound of my own
heart when I'm... jogging away from things.
~~~
The "Men Anonymous" pledge: I'm a man, but I can change,
if I have to, I guess.
Joey: All right, Rach, the big question is,
does he like you? All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo
point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just
doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him for too long,
or did that all just make sense?
~~~
Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna
do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare!
Chandler:
Oh, I know, this must be so hard. “Oh no, two women love me! They're both
gorgeous and sexy! My wallet's too small for my fifties. And my diamond shoes are too tight!”
~~~
Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it
with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and
your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know
it.
~~~
Ross: So, uh, what did the insurance
company say?
Chandler:
Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here, so stop calling
us."
~~~
[flipping a coin to choose between ducks
and clowns]
Joey:
Okay, uh... Ducks are “heads,” because ducks have heads.
Chandler:
What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday parties?
~~~
Phoebe: Hey! Why isn’t it Spiderman? You know, like, Goldman, Silverman...
Chandler: Cause it’s not his last name.
Phoebe: It isn’t?
Chandler: It’s not, like, like, Phil
Spiderman. He’s a Spider Man.
You know, like, uh, like Goldman is a last name, but there’s no Gold
Man.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. There should BE a Gold Man!
~~~
Chandler: I can handle it. Handle’s my
middle name. Well actually, it's the middle part of my first name.
~~~
Phoebe: No, I definitely don't like the name
Ross.
Ross: What a weird way to kick me
when I'm down.
~~~
Joey: I hate [Ralph Lauren]
underwear. One time I bought a pair marked XS. And let me tell you, there's no
room for anything excess in there.
~~~
Monica: Come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice
soundtrack? Really?
Chandler:
They were just giving it away at the mall...in exchange for money.
~~~
Phoebe: Okay, look, before you even start, I'm
not denying evolution, okay? I'm just saying that it's one of the
possibilities.
Ross: It's the only possibility, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay, Ross, could you just open your mind
like this much, okay? Wasn't there a
time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat?
And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the
smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came
out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong
about this?
Ross: There might be...a
teeny...tiny...possibility.
Phoebe: I can't believe you caved.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: You just abandoned your whole belief system!! I mean, before, I didn't agree
with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into
work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how
are you going to face yourself?
[Ross slowly closes the briefcase and walks
out hugging it]
Phoebe: Oh, that was fun. So who's hungry?
~~~
Monica: You know Phoebe, a heart attack is
nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Chandler:
I thought a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die.
~~~
Joey: Hey, why can't we use the same
toothbrush, but we can use the same... soap.
Chandler: Because soap is soap! It’s
self-cleaning.
Joey: All right, well the next time
you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash, and the first thing that
you wash!
Maddie Hayes: Wipe that stupid grin off your face.
David Addison: This is the smartest
grin I know.
~~~
Maddie: That man belongs in a pound.
Agnes: Pound of what?
~~~
David: I know who he is, he paints naked girls.
Maddie: Nudes.
David: Nudes, right. Nakeds have
staples in them
~~~
Maddie: Well, let me
remind you Mr. Addison, that one case does not a detective make.
David: Well, let me remind you Ms. Hayes,
that I HATE IT WHEN YOU TALK BACKWARDS.
~~~
Maddie: David, may I
please have some ANSWERS?!
David: Delaware, all of the above,
90 degrees.
~~~
David: Do bears bear? Do
bees be?
Gunslinger: I once shot a man
just to watch him die. Then I got distracted and missed it.
~~~
Mr. Tyzyk: I'm crushing your head, yuppie. Squish,
Squish! Where do you idiots come from to get your heads so terribly crushed?
~~~
Filipino kid: You are American?
Tourist: No, I'm a
Canadian. It's like an American, but without the gun.
~~~
Bruce: The only thing
worse than having a job is looking for one.
~~~
Kevin: To good friends!
Scott: To good times!
Bruce: To ritualistic murders!
All: To Reg!
~~~
Wife: I'm sorry, Santa, but we don't want any
children, so screw you and the deer you rode in on!
~~~
"Scott Thompson: Use as directed."
~~~
Manservant Hecubus: I'm ready to serve you,
Master...aaand Satan!
~~~
Sir Simon Milligan: Yes, I am a man possessed by
many demons... Polite demons who would open the door for a lady carrying too
many parcels, but demons nonetheless! Yes, I have walked along the path of evil
many times. It's a twisting curving path, that actually leads to a charming
block garden, but beyond that evil!
~~~
Cabbage Head: I don't mean this to sound like a come-on
line, but does anyone here want to have sex?
~~~
Kevin: I'm not gay. But then again I never used
to like asparagus, but now I do.
~~~
Buddy Cole: She let me pet her cat. [aside] If you think I going to make a
pussy joke, you're sadly mistaken!
~~~
Announcer: 29 Helens Agree.
All: Promptness is important!
Helen Roritor: I just wish Helen Forneay felt that way.
Helen Morrisey: Look. Here she comes.
[Helen runs up and joins the back row; Helens nod, then slowly turn to glare as one at Helen]
Announcer: 29 Helens Agree. Promptness is important.
~~~
Cop: Why would anyone abandon a perfectly good
potato?
~~~
Dave: The difficult thing about being a mass
murderer isn't the murdering part. It's the mass past.
~~~
Man: God IS dead. And here is the body to
prove it.
~~~
Announcer: 30 Helens Can't Agree.
[Helens argue vehemently]
Helen Vernando: Hey! Can't we just agree to disagree?
[Helens stop yelling and nod to one other]
Announcer: 30 Helens Agree... To Disagree.
Dan Rydell: We bring you the thrill of victory, the
agony of defeat, and because it’s soccer, the sheer pointlessness of a
zero-zero tie.
~~~
Casey McCall: If you had half as much fun watching this
show as we did making it, well, then we had twice as much fun making the show
as you did watching it.
~~~
Dan: You're nineteen feet tall. Why are you
wearing heels?
Sally: Do you feel diminutive?
Dan: No, but now I have to look up that word.
~~~
Dan: I will not be the subject of your
mockery!
Casey: Oh, I think you shall!
~~~
Casey: Can we be men for a second?
Dan: Okay, but just a second.
~~~
Dan: They say it's always calmest before the
storm. That's not true. I'm a serious sailor. It isn't calm before the storm.
Stuff happens.
Tom Servo: What do you think
the lesson of the movie was?
Crow T. Robot: Don't watch it.
~~~
Crow: Can we agree that
from now on, films have to be made by FILMMAKERS?
~~~
Tom Servo: If you only see
10,000 movies this year, make sure this isn't one of them.
~~~
Crow: No fair! You can't
flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago!
~~~
Tom Servo: I see the movie
has finally thrown up its hands and said, "I just don't know."
~~~
Crow: I want to hurt
this movie, but I can never hurt it like it hurt me.
~~~
Crow: The only response
to this film is pure, unbridled hate.
~~~
Mike Nelson: You know, this
movie can be used to induce vomiting.
~~~
Tom Servo: You know, just
because you CAN edit doesn't mean you SHOULD.
~~~
Tom Servo: Gee, even the
movie "The Fog" didn't have this much fog.
~~~
Crow: I have my doubts
that this movie is actually "starring" anybody. More like
"camera is generally pointed at."
~~~
Crow: Oh sweet
information superhighway, what bring you me from the depths of cyberspace?
~~~
Joel Robinson: Iowa State College:
the high school after high school!
~~~
Crow: What's the point
of a helmet in skydiving? In case you
land on your head?
~~~
Mike Nelson: Wench-jacking was
a big problem in the Middle Ages.
~~~
Mike Nelson: Man, infants are
such babies.
~~~
Mike Nelson: In the future,
geese will be rocket-powered.
~~~
Crow: Thrill as they
listen really hard!
Tom Servo: Marvel as they listen
even harder!
~~~
Crow: Is the first stage
of grief pure unbridled joy?
~~~
Crow: Staring at the
window for five hours finally paid off.
~~~
Tom Servo: Uh-oh. Hilarity,
guys. Not since the pie-fight scene in "The Great Race"...
Crow: Not since the mudslide scene
in "McClintock"...
Joel Hodgson: Not since the wagon
race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"...
Crow: Not since the chess-playing
scene in "The Seventh Seal"...
Tom Servo: Not since the orgy scene
in "Caligula"...
Joel Hodgson: Huh?
Crow: What?
Tom Servo: Um... well, hilarity,
anyway.
Futurama
Leela: Now strip naked and get on the
probulator.
~~~
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.
~~~
Cop: Come out with your hands up! We have you partially surrounded!
~~~
Zapp Brannigan: We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is
spongy and bruised.
~~~
Professor: Ah, to be young again. And a robot.
~~~
[Leela punches Zapp in the face]
Zapp Brannigan: Let’s do that again, only a little lower
and a lot softer.
~~~
Fry: I’m never gonna get used to the 31st
century. Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit?? Admiral Crunch?!
~~~
Professor: Oh, dear, I really ought to do
something. But I am already in my pajamas.
~~~
Bender: You know, Fry, of all the friends I’ve
had, you’re the first.
~~~
Fry: Where’s your bathroom?
Bender: Bath what?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What room?
Fry: Bathroom!
Bender: What what?
~~~
Bender: Friends?!
That activates my hilarity unit!
~~~
Leela: You can’t just sit here in the dark and
listen to classical music.
Fry: I could have, if you hadn’t turned on the
lights and shut off the stereo.
~~~
Bender: What kind of party is this? There’s no booze and only one hooker!
~~~
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time
in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in
there?
~~~
Announcer: Planet Express: Our crew is
replaceable. Your package isn’t.
~~~
[sign]
Central
Park Lake - Loitering Permitted, But Be Reasonable
~~~
Zapp Brannigan: I suffer from a very sexy learning
disability. What do I call it, Kif?
Kif: {sigh}
Sexlexia.
~~~
Leela: I can be really impulsive. It just takes me a while.
~~~
Nichelle Nichols: Eternity with nerds... It's
the Pasadena Star Trek Convention all
over again.
~~~
Bender: Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool.