Michael: The thing you need to know is, it’s all about sex.

Brian: Where you headed?

Justin: Nowhere special.

Brian: I can change that.

~~~

Brian: Now relax.  I want you to always remember this.  So that no matter who you’re ever with, I’ll always be there.

~~~

Brian: I’ll see you in your dreams.

~~~

Justin: I just saw the face of God.  His name is Brian Kinney.

~~~

Daphne : So what was it like?

Justin: Well I started out as a tight end but I wound up a wide receiver.

~~~

Brian: Look - I don’t believe in love.  I believe in fucking.  It’s honest, it’s efficient, you get in and out with a maximum of pleasure, and a minimum of bullshit. 

~~~

Brian: It’s not lying if they make you lie.  The only truth they can accept is their own.

~~~

Brian: Those who can, do.  Those who can’t, watch porn.

~~~

Brian : Dreaming’s for people who are asleep.  I’d rather be awake.  And fucking.

~~~

Brian: I tune out self-pity.  It makes my dick soft.

~~~

Brian : So many men, so little body hair.

~~~

Brian : Here’s a toast to the happy couple.  May you come to your senses, before it’s too late.

~~~

Brian: “Life not worth living if you not take risk.”

~~~

Brian : In fact, I’m the most fabulous fag in Pittsburgh.  That is, if it’s possible to be fabulous in Pittsburgh.

~~~

Brian : There’s never been a hotter time to fuck a stranger.

~~~

Brian : He doesn’t want an ass with good taste, he wants an ass that tastes good.

~~~

Emmett : What kind of homosexual are you?!

Brian : The kind that fucks men.

~~~

  [in jail]

Brian : I wonder who I have to blow around here to get a triple non-fat latté?

[door buzzes and hunky cop enters]  Hmm. If you say so...

~~~

Hal Sparks : Brian is the gay Borg.  “Resistance is futile!  He will make you gay!”

~~~

Justin: I like dick.  I wanna get fucked by dick.  I wanna suck dick.  I like sucking dick.  And I’m good at it, too.

~~~

Justin: I told him he could see me in his dreams.

~~~

Justin: Yearning’s when you want something really badly.  Like...so bad it hurts.

Teacher : Exactly.  It needs to hurt to be worthy of the word.  Otherwise it’s just wanting.

~~~

Ethan : I tried to forget about you but I can’t.  You’re all I think about.

~~~

Michael: I told her I’m an out and proud homosexual and if she doesn’t like it she can suck my dick.

~~~

Michael: He had them.  Brazilian beach parasites in his ass.

~~~

Michael : [reading inscription] “To Michael.  Beneath his mild-mannered appearance beats the heart of a superhero.”

~~~

Michael: When you spend your entire life keeping it a secret, who you really are, you learn to stop trusting people, and it becomes second nature.

~~~

Michael : In ways that maybe nobody intended, these superheroes were a lot like me.  You know, at work they’re meek, and they’re unappreciated and...they’re the guys that never get laid.  And when they’re around other people, they can’t let anyone get too close, for fear that their true identities will be discovered.  Yet with all the villains, and the monsters, and the evil forces that are trying to destroy them, somehow they survive....I believe the same about us.  That’s what the comics have shown me.  That despite everything, we’ll survive.  And we’ll win.

~~~

Michael : How can you tell if a superhero is gay?  His boots match his purse.

~~~

Michael: Try the brie.

Debbie : Tastes like cum.  Where’s the cheddar?

~~~

Debbie : All you can do at a time like this is hang on, until the scenery changes.

~~~

Debbie : To the Liberty Balls!

Vic : Long may they hang!

~~~

Vic : Promiscuous is anyone having more sex than you.

~~~

Vic : Sex isn’t careful.  If it is, you’re doing it wrong.

~~~

Ted: Gay men and straight girls sleeping together.  Isn’t that one of the signs of the apocalypse?

~~~

Ted : Happy Pride!  How’s it goin’?

~~~

Ted : Jerkatwork.net.  For guys who don’t only work...at work.

~~~

Ted: Flannel.   Isn’t that lesbian lingerie?

~~~

Melanie: [to Brian] Un-fucking-believable!  Jesus, what are you, Mr. Teflon?  Shit just never sticks to you!

~~~

Emmett: I’d rather my flame burn bright, than be some puny little pilot light.

~~~

Emmett: I always say - come clean, or don’t come at all.

~~~

Emmett: Oh, please.  You can’t let one little drug-induced coma get you down.

~~~

Emmett: Hell-O Gorgeous!

~~~

Emmett : I used to help my mother in the garden.  Once I planted a light bulb.  Thought come spring, there’d be a chandelier.

~~~

Emmett : This life can wear you out by the time you’re thirty.  Right, Brian?

~~~

Emmett: Honey, my flame has been rekindled, and is burning brighter than ever!

~~~

Emmett : You know, I once wanted to be a priest.  Then I thought, ‘How unnatural.  Living your life, cloistered away in a world full of men...’

~~~

Emmett : Fuck ‘em all.  That was my motto.  Still is. 

~~~

Ted: I tell you, hanging with Brian is exhausting.  But it’s worth it for the sex.

Emmett: You’re having sex with Brian?!

Ted: Of course not.  We have symbiosis.

Emmett: Oh my god!  Is there anything they can do?  You mustn’t give up hope!

Ted: It’s not a disease.   It’s a perfect relationship.

~~~

Emmett: Altruism’s his middle name.

Ted: Oh, is that what the “A” stands for...

~~~

Emmett: I hate Dyke Night.

Ted: Me too.  I feel so violated.

~~~

Emmett: Compared to her, I feel so...ignorant, so useless.

Ted: You are.  On the other hand, she doesn’t have your height, or your ability to wear chartreuse in the daytime, so it all evens out.

~~~

Emmett : Can’t believe it, Saturday night, and I’m dressed for a fucking funeral.

Ted : Close to it.  Hetero wedding.

~~~

Emmett : Pink champagne.  Yeah, that’s too nelly, even for me.

Ted : Not bad.  For a douche.

~~~

Ted: That brings back memories.  Getting the shit kicked out of you on the playground...

Emmett: Mmm.   Having lit matches thrown at you in the locker room... Good times.

~~~

Ted: Blake and I had sex all night.  I got a half hour’s sleep.

Emmett: Okay, this is what we call a ‘high-end problem.’

~~~

Emmett: That is one tweaked-out twinkie.

Ted: Ya think?

Emmett: Hollow eyes, 22-inch waist, inability to hold a conversation.  He’s either a total crystal queen, or a supermodel.

~~~

Ted: It’s no different for straight guys.  I read somewhere that something like 64% of them admit they’ve been unfaithful.

Emmett: I wouldn’t know.  I’ve only slept with 32% of them.

~~~

Michael : It was awful.  All those dirty-minded old men, staring at me and pinching my ass.

Emmett : It was fabulous! All these dirty-minded old men, staring at me and pinching my ass.

Ted : Welcome to Point-Counterpoint.

~~~

Michael : It’s not a problem.  For Brian, sex is like a handshake.

Emmett : That ain’t what he was shakin’, sweetie.

~~~

Emmett : Do you think they had sex first?

Brian : Hope so.  It’s always better to come before you go.

~~~

Michael: If you’re not careful, you’re gonna get addicted.

Emmett: Oh please.  I’ve been doing this for years!

~~~

Debbie : Em, hon, you should try to eat some of your protein off a plate.

Emmett: I read that for every 30 pounds you lose, you gain an inch of cock.

Debbie : So, if you just drop another 90 pounds you’ll have a four-inch pecker!

~~~

Blaine : Our last maid got a Ph.D.

Emmett : Really!  Well, if it’s not one communicable disease, it’s another.

~~~

Man : Your performance was really inspiring.  Would you mind signing this for me?  [hands Emmett a pen and whips out his dick]

Emmett : Oh. ‘Kay.

Man : To Christopher.

Emmett : [writing] To...Christopher...Thanks...for being...such...a big...fan...I hope...I can...live up...to...it.  All...my best... Love...and...luck... Emmett...Honeycutt.

Man : Wow!  Thanks!

~~~

Ted : Internet access: $38.00. Adult porn site membership: $29.95. 

Michael : Watching men jerk off in the comfort of your own home: Priceless.

Brian : Masturbate the possibilities.

~~~

Michael: You fucked him in your office?

Brian: He was the best thing to come across my desk in a long time.

Michael: You’re unbelievable.

Brian: That’s what he said.

~~~

Client : I wasn’t sure you’d come.

Brian: I always come when I say I’m going to.

~~~

Ted : So, is he as good as he looks?  And spare us your monosyllabic answers. I want details.

Brian : First I made him worship my cock for an hour.  Then I let him rim me for a good 45 minutes.  After that I fucked him so hard he passed out.  I’m surprised he’s up and walking around.

~~~

Ted : These characters have principles.  When you have principles, you don’t need orgasms.

Brian : You have principles when you don’t have orgasms.

~~~

Michael : Where are her values? Her principles?

Brian : You know how it is when you want cock – they’re the first things to go.

~~~

Jennifer : So I thought, okay.  He’s having experiences...but with boys his own age!  This man...he must be in his thirties!

Debbie : Well, not yet, but I’ll be happy to tell him you thought so.

~~~

Emmett : If you ask me, nobody makes a better woman than a gay man.

Michael : What woman looks like that?  Big red wig and tons of jewelry and gaudy clothes. 

[Ted & Emmett give him a ‘look’] 

Michael : My mother does not look like that!

~~~

Ted : What kind of mindless palliative is that for existential angst?

Debbie : Say what?

Vic : A damn good one.

~~~

Melanie : Having looked at the judge’s temporary injunction, it is my considered opinion that...you’re screwed.

Emmett : Excuse me??

Ted : It’s just one of those vague legal terms that lawyers use to cover their asses. What exactly do you mean by “screwed”?

Melanie : Permit me to clarify: “fucked.”

~~~

Ted: Hey, how ya doin’?  Can I get you a drink?.... Care to dance?....

Man : I’m not into leather.

Ted: Yeah, you know, neither was I.  Then I ran into this old school friend who shackled me in his dungeon and made me his suck-pig.

~~~

Vic : Once upon a time I was a pretty decent chef.

Debbie : Decent?!  Huh!  Decent?  He was another Sara Lee!

Vic : I’ll take that as the compliment that I’m sure was intended.

~~~

Michael : What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done with a guy?

Brian : It’s too weird to talk about.

Michael : Come on, dish.

Brian : Uh, kinky, kinky... Well, one night I went to this guy’s house, and, uh... I stayed over.

Michael : [snorts] Very funny.

Brian : The next morning, he made pancakes.

~~~

Michael : You wanna hear my secret fantasy?

Justin : I don’t generally like discussing kink on an empty stomach.

Michael : To see Rage on a cereal box.  Preferably Fruit Loops.

~~~

Michael: David’s throwing a dinner party, us and two other couples – one of them straight.

Brian: He eats with straight people?!

Ted: Ick.   You never know where their hands have been.

~~~

Melanie : I told you.  He’s a total heterophobe.

Justin : It’s true.  He is.

Brian : It’s true.  I am.

~~~

Michael: I think the artist has taken some liberties.

Brian : What’d you have in mind?

Michael : I don’t know.  Maybe buzz it all off, or bleach it...

Brian : That’d be cool.  For two years ago.  So what’s wrong?

Michael : Nothing’s wrong.  Why do you think something’s wrong?

Brian : Because every time something’s wrong, you want to change your hair.

Michael : Oh, that is so not true!

Brian : [to Debbie] Michael’s thinking about changing his hair.

Debbie : Oh, god.  Baby...what’s wrong?  Tell me!

~~~

Michael : I knew how to put a condom on a cucumber before I knew how to drive.

Ben : Yeah...well, you know...uh...I was gonna ask you out tonight, but...now I’m not so sure.

Michael : Why not?

Ben : Well, Michael, a cucumber is a lot to live up to.

~~~

Doctor : That’s quite a boner you’ve got there.

Ted : Nothing like the expert diagnosis of a trained medical professional.

Emmett : Shush.  Doctor, why won’t it go down?

Doctor : It’s a priapism.  Blood clot to the penis.

Ted : Oh, my god.

Emmett : It’s better than a blood clot to the brain.

Ted : Unless you think with your dick!

~~~

Brian : Act like a pussy, get treated like a pussy.

Ted : I’m not a pussy!!

Brian : “Happy Pride. How’s it going?”  All right.  I’ll do my bit for Pride.  My way of giving back to the community.  Next time, try this: “I’m gonna rip your fucking clothes off and make you sit on my 9-inch dick.”

Ted : But I don’t have a 9-inch dick.

Brian : If you’re good, he won’t care.  Try it.  I dare you.

~~~

Justin : You know, you make love like you play your violin.

Ethan : With an accompanist in front of a cheering audience?  On a street corner for cash?

Justin : Like you’re in a trance.  With your eyes closed.

Ethan : And you’re my instrument.  First I tune you...and then I stroke you with my bow.  [Justin laughs]  And then I make beautiful sounds pour out of you.

~~~

Emmett: All right, have you got everything?

Michael: Five pairs of jeans, seven shirts, four sweaters, and ten tees.

Ted: How long you going for?

Michael: The weekend.

Ted: All right... One change of undies, pack of condoms, tube of lube.  There.  You’re all set.

~~~

Michael: If God wanted me to be on ice, he’d have made me a vodka martini.  Which I could use right about now.  [they spin, trying to stand]  What is this, Fags On Ice?

David : That’s the Olympic figure skating team.

~~~

Emmett: You are a saint.

Michael: I don’t want to be a saint.  I wanna be a ruthless heartless shit who fucks whoever he wants without conscience or remorse.

Brian: I’m sorry, that position’s already been filled.

~~~

Emmett : You guys, [Ted] is in deep shit trouble.  We need to have an intervention.

Debbie : Booze?

Brian : Crystal?

Emmett : Whipping the willie.

Brian : Schmuck.   Couldn’t even get a decent addiction.

~~~

Brian: Why do you guys want to go?

Emmett: [incredulous] Wh...Why? Why?!

Ted: How can you even ask that?

Emmett: Brian, you’re one of our closest friends!

Ted: We can’t let you go off on this perilous journey all on your own!

Emmett: We are going to be with you all the way.

Brian: I’m really touched.......What’s the real reason?

[pause]

Ted & Emmett : [chanting] Road trip. Road trip. Road trip! Road trip!

~~~

Michael : So what do you get two dykes who have everything?

Brian : Dykes don’t have everything, that’s why they’re so miserable.

Michael : Well, unfortunately, matching penis transplants are a little pricey for a poor shopkeeper like myself.

Ted : Silver-plated dental dams?

Emmett : Specially engraved double-headed dildo?

Ben : How about stemware?

Emmett : Honey, dildos are stemware.

~~~

Emmett: Now that Brian’s finally out of the picture, I might actually stand a chance.

Michael: You don’t sound like you’re gonna miss him.

Emmett: I’m certainly not going to miss being told “Be Gone” every time some hunk appears.

Ted: I won’t miss his little bon mots about my age.

Emmett: Although I did think his referring to you as “Dead Man Walking” was kind of amusing!  [Ted gives him a “look”]  I said kind of.

Michael: Or knowing that you’re always going to be his Plan B.

Emmett: Or sometimes C!

Ted: I won’t miss spending 300 bucks on a shirt from the Calvin Klein collection only to have everyone stare at Brian’s bare chest.

Michael: Or forced to wait outside a sex club in February cause he needs a ride home.

Emmett: Also, I won’t miss how he never takes shit from anyone.

Ted: Or how he tells you the truth about yourself, even if it’s a tad harsh...but you should probably hear it anyway.

Michael: How he refuses to let you coast through your life.... No, I’m not going to miss that one at all.

~~~

Ted : Well, don’t worry.  God still loves you, no matter what.

Brian : Yeah, like I give a shit what God thinks about me.  He’d better be worried what I think about him.

Michael : How do you figure that?

Brian : Well, in all this cold dead universe, we’re the only ones that know He exists.  Without us, He’s nothin’.

~~~

Michael : They say his fucks are legendary.

Ben : Mmm.

Michael : What’s so great about ‘em?

Ben : Why are you asking all these questions?

Michael : I’m just curious.

Ben : It’s kinda weird.

Michael : I’m cool with it, really.

Ben : [pause] So he was fucking me, and he came, right? But I hadn’t.  So he just kept going.

Michael : No shit.

Ben : Mm-hmm.  And he came a second time.  Right when I did.  Never lost his hard-on.

Brian : [in Michael’s head]  You had to ask...

~~~

Brian: I think it’s time for you to go.

Justin: It always is.  Luckily, you can’t push me away.... I’m on to you.

~~~

Brian: That’s just what I need, to be at a dance with a bunch of fucking 18-year-olds.

Justin: I thought you liked fucking 18-year-olds.

~~~

Brian: We gave them a prom they’ll never forget.

Justin: Me neither.  It was the best night of my life.

Brian: Even if it was ridiculously romantic.  [they kiss]  Later.

Justin: Later...

~~~

Justin : We-we really danced to this corny old song?

Brian : I prefer to think of it as ‘ridiculously romantic.’

~~~

Justin : You kissed me?  In front of everybody?

Brian : Yeah...you should have been there.

~~~

Justin : I wish I could remember.

Brian : I wish I could forget.

~~~

Justin : Here’s your chance, it’s not too late.

Brian : Where are you going?

Justin : I’m leaving you to your wicked ways.  Go find a stud.  Ask him to dance.

---

Brian : Hey stud.  You wanna dance?

Justin : Shut up.

Brian : I promise you won’t forget this one.

~~~

Ethan : How was your birthday?  Did you have a big party?

Justin : Not really.  My boyfriend doesn’t believe that being born is a reason to celebrate.

Ethan : Oh.  Well that sucks.

Justin : I didn’t really want one anyway.

Ethan : No, I mean that you have a boyfriend.

Justin : Oh.

Ethan : Because if I was your boyfriend, I’d give you a birthday you’d never forget.

Justin : [laughs] Like what?

Ethan : Like...first...I’d bring you breakfast in bed.  Then, I’d...play for you.  One of Ravel’s Valse Noble e Sentimentale , because that’s how I see you, noble and sentimental.  And then we’d make love a couple hundred times.

Justin : Hmm.  All that before lunch?

Ethan : Yes...   But I’m not your boyfriend.

~~~

Justin : I want a boyfriend who only wants to be with me.  Who wants to stay home every once in a while. Who at least gets jealous when some other guy is sucking my dick right in front of him. 

Michael : That’s not Brian!  And never will be.

~~~

Justin : What do you want?

Ethan : I want to be with somebody who only wants to be with me.  Who doesn’t need to see other people, or be in the scene every night.  I want to be with somebody who I can have a picnic on the floor with, and tell things to that I’ve never told anybody.

~~~

Cynthia : Don’t tell me you haven’t heard of Clayton Poole.

Brian : The guy who...

Cynthia : Hates gays.

Brian : Right.  He’s always donating his money to worthy causes, like “Castrate Homosexuals Now,” “Launch Lesbians into Space,” “Stop AIDS with Guns.”  Well, now he can donate some of his money to me.  Fifty grand.

~~~

Poole : What is this place?

Brian : From the crowd, I suspect it’s a homosexual drinking establishment.

Poole : A gay bar?!

~~~

Brian : Fine, I just dropped by to let you know I’m not going to be at the wedding.  I’m going to the White Party in Miami instead.  Later.

Lindsay : You can’t ditch my special day!

Melanie : You selfish prick!

Brian : As usual, objectivity falls to me.  Think.  You don’t really want me there, do you.  I’d have to be chemically dependent just to show up.  I’ll be drunk, I’ll be bored, not to mention better-looking than the brides.  I’ll offend all the dykes, I’ll heckle the ceremony, table-dance at the reception, and inevitably fuck every good-looking guy, gay, straight, or undecided in the place.  Finally, I’ll pass out, naked, bitching about the cheap booze.  You’ll lose your dignity, your friends, and your shirts, paying for the damages.  Hell, I’m doing you a favor getting out of town.

[pause]

Mel & Lindz : Have a safe trip.

~~~

Emmett : [answers cell phone] Hello?

Ted : [whispering] It’s me.

Emmett : Teddy? 

Ted : Shh!

Emmett : Where are you?

Ted : On Mel & Lindsay’s front porch.

Emmett : What are you doing on the front porch, honey?  Why don’t you come in?

Ted : Because I don’t want the others to see me.  I‘ve got to talk to you.  So just slip outside like you’re going to...check on the weather.  But, promise, promise, promise me you’ll come alone.

[front door opens and the whole gang is standing there]

Melanie : Come have some brunch.

Ted : Uh, no, no, no thank you.  I...I just need to talk with Emmett, then I’ll be on my way.

Lindsay : Okaay...

Brian : What a freak...

Ted : [whispering urgently] I still have an erection!

Emmett : [loudly] What do you mean, you still have an erection?

[the gang laughs]

Ted : Thank you, CNN.  I took Viagra last night.  It’s been 18 hours and it won’t go down!  What am I gonna do?!

Emmett : Have you tried soaking it?

Lindsay : How about a cold shower?

Brian : How ‘bout scaring it?

Justin : That’s hiccups.

Brian : Boo!

Ted : Thank you all for caring.

Melanie : What about something that would absolutely turn you off?

Brian : That’s a great idea.  Why don’t you two show him your tits?

Mel & Lindz : Brian!

Ted : You said this would last a few hours, tops!

Emmett : Go figure.

Justin : [to Brian]  Maybe you should take some.  Our sex life isn’t what it used to be.  [the gang scoffs]  We’re down to like four times a day!

Ted : Look, I’ve gotta do something!

Emmett : Okay, okay.  Come on.

Brian : Well, just try and make it ‘til next Monday.

Emmett : What’s next Monday?

Brian : Flag day. [salutes]  Whoo!

~~~