I might disagree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.

--Voltaire

 

Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.

--Oscar Wilde

 

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

-- Groucho Marx

 

I really don’t want to encourage young writers. Keep them down and out and silent is my motto.

--John Updike

 

The maturing process of becoming a writer is akin to that of a harlot. First you do it for love, then for a few friends, and finally only for money.

-- Molière

 

Language exerts hidden power, like a moon on the tides.

--Rita Mae Brown

 

Writing is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as the headlights, but you make the whole trip that way.

--E.L. Doctorow

 

Never lend books – nobody ever returns them. The only books I have in my library are those which people have lent me.

-- Anatole France

 

Many people hear voices when no-one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing.

--Margaret Chittenden

 

When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and talks as yours does is something close to a blessed event.

--Robert Pirsig

 

This is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should be hurled with great force.

--Dorothy Parker

 

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

--Bertrand Russell

 

If you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs, it’s possible you haven’t grasped the situation.

--Jean Kerr

 

Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character, can make any stand against good wit.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

It is not worth an intelligent man’s time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

--G. H. Hardy

 

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

-- Groucho Marx

 

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

--Albert Einstein

 

They came for the communists, and I did not speak up because I wasn’t a communist; They came for the socialists, and I did not speak up because I was not a socialist; They came for the union leaders, and I did not speak up because I wasn’t a union leader; They came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak up for me.

--Martin Niemoller

 

When I despair, I remember that all through history, the way of truth and love has always won. There have been murderers and tyrants, and for a time they can seem invincible. But in the end they always fall. Think of it, always.

--Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

 

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent upon it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

--Galileo Galilei

 

Every blade of grass has its angel who leans over it and whispers, “Grow, grow.”

--the Talmud

 

If you stand up and be counted, from time to time you may get yourself knocked down. But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good.

--Thomas J. Watson

 

It is better to be hated for what one is than loved for what one is not.

--Andre Gide

 

In the presence of eternity, the mountains are as transient as the clouds.

--Robert Green Ingersoll

 

Many people need desperately to receive this message: “I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people don’t care about them. You are not alone.”

--Kurt Vonnegut

 

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

--Rita Mae Brown

 

Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.

--Marilyn vos Savant

 

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

--Arthur Conan Doyle

 

The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

--Eden Phillpotts

 

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

--Oscar Levant

 

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

--John Wooden

 

There is an old motto that runs, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” This is nonsense. It ought to read, “If at first you don’t succeed, quit, quit at once.”

--Stephen Leacock

 

Use the talents you possess, for the woods would be a very silent place if no birds sang except the best.

--Henry Van Dyke

 

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

--Robin Williams

 

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

--Bill Watterson

 

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it’s just the opposite.

--John Kenneth Galbraith

 

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.

--Joe Theisman

 

Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

--Homer J. Simpson

 

When we ask advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

--Marquis de la Grange

 

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.

--TV listing for “The Wizard of Oz” in the Marin Paper

 

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

--Steven Wright

 

No wonder nobody comes here – it’s too crowded.

--Yogi Berra

 

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

-- Abbie Hoffman

 

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

--Mark Twain

 

Time is nature’s way of making sure everything doesn’t happen at once.

--Anonymous

 

More than any other time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

--Woody Allen

 

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

--Andrew Mathis

 

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.

--Lewis Gizzard

 

Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching.

--Yogi Berra

 

I think it’s unfair that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

--Steven Wright

 

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

--Robin Williams

 

One should never lose hope. Homosexuality can strike any straight man at any age.

--Roger Peyrefitte

 

All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.

--George Orwell

 

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.

--Dave Barry

 

If women are so smart, why do they dance backwards?

--Steve McGarrett

 

I saw George Bush at a benefit concert actually waving at Stevie Wonder. Someone had to tell him, ‘He can’t see you.’

--Anne Robinson

 

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils: people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.

--Tom Dreesen

 

The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

--Douglas Adams

 

If homosexuality is a disease, let’s all call in queer to work. “Hello, can’t work today. Still queer.”

--Robin Tyler

 

He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep.

--Dorothy Eden

 

When a gay man comes up to me and says, ‘I love the show,’ I know that he’s coming on to me. I say thank you and I make out with him. But only for a minute, no longer, because I am straight.

--Eric McCormack (“Will & Grace”)

 

The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread.

--William Keegan

 

I don’t even consider myself bisexual. Frankly, I just think of myself as a ‘people person.’

--Michael Dane

 

Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.

-- Groucho Marx

 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

--Fred Allen

 

Why can’t they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand gay guys with M16s going, ‘Who’d you call a faggot?’

--John Stewart

 

That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.

--Douglas Adams

 

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

--Marilyn Pittman

 

Sex is like bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

--Charles Pierce

 

I woke up when I was 14 and went to speak to my mother and scared us both to death.

--Barry White (on the moment he acquired his deep, velvety voice)

 

I don’t know, darling - he never sucked my cock.

--Tallulah Bankhead (on being asked if a certain acquaintance of hers was gay)

 

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

--Kevin James

 

 

 

Definitions

Dysfunction: The only consistent feature of all your dissatisfying relationships is you

 

Insanity: It’s difficult to comprehend how insane some people can be.   Especially when you’re insane.

 

Laziness: Success is a journey, not a destination.   So stop running.

 

Goals: It’s best to avoid standing directly between a competitive jerk and his goals.

 

Indifference: It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

 

Planning: Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress.

 

Fear: Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea.

 

Loneliness: If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you’re not alone.   And yet you are alone.   So very alone.

 

Regret: It hurts to admit when you make mistakes.   But when they’re big enough, the pain only lasts a second.

 

 

 

ONE-LINERS

 

Ah, the healing powers of pornography.

 

Guns don’t kill people, they just make it easier

 

Visualize Whirled Peas

 

Stop The Violins!

 

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

 

Honk if you hate noise pollution

 

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

 

Take a Bite out of Crime. (It tastes like Chicken.)

 

Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them

 

Give Blood - Play Hockey

 

Smile. It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

 

Flying saucers are real. The Air Force doesn’t exist.

 

Nonconformists are all alike.

 

Conserve Water - Shower with a friend

 

Bad cop...no donut.

 

Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

 

DAM : Mothers Against Dyslexia

 

Where There’s A Whip, There’s A Way.

 

Earth first! We’ll strip mine the other planets later!

 

I want to make love in the worst way – standing up in a canoe

 

I support the theory of evolution...and they can have my opposable thumbs when they pry them from my cold dead hands!!

 

Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now.

 

I’m just 2 people short of a threesome!!

 

I don’t mind straight people as long as they act gay in public.

Heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh

 

JESUS SAVES... But Gretzky gets the rebound, he shoots, he SCORES!!

 

JESUS SAVES...by using coupons & shopping wisely

 

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time.

 

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

 

Come the Rapture, we’ll have the planet to ourselves

 

God WAS my co-pilot. Then we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him

 

My karma ran over your dogma

 

My goddess gave birth to your god

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

I have the body of a god: Buddha.

 

The goddess is alive and she ate my homework

 

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl .

 

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

 

Don’t anthropomorphize computers. They don’t like it.

 

Dyslexics of the world – UNTIE

 

Eschew Obfuscation.

 

Why Is “Abbreviation” Such A Long Word?

 

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

 

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo !

 

Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

 

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

 

Why isn’t the word “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?

 

Is there another word for synonym?

 

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

 

Why be difficult, when with a little extra effort you can make yourself absolutely impossible?