QUOTATIONS FROM THE SIMPSONS

Simpson Family

Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.

~~~

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don't know.

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Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you should know that your refusal will result in months and months of...
Bart & Lisa : CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

~~~

Bart & Lisa : Areweinsaneyet? Areweinsaneyet? Areweinsaneyet?
Homer : I told you, yes!

~~~

Bart [praying]: God bless Mom, Dad, Lisa and Maggie.   And please God, kill Sideshow Bob.
Marge: Bart, no!   You can't ask God to kill someone!
Homer: Yeah, you do your own dirty work.

~~~

Homer : [looks at ballot information] Hmm...I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy. [votes for Bob]

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Lisa: I like him! He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...
Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
Marge: Mmm...

~~~

Bart : I'll dig an outhouse!
Lisa :   I'll weed the floor!
Marge : I'll suppress the rage I'm feeling!

~~~

Bart: Dad, you shot the Zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?

~~~

[Homer lies in a drunken heap]
Marge: I've never been so embarrassed in my life!
Homer: Why, what did you do?

~~~

Homer : Marge, may I play devil's advocate for a moment?
Marge : Why sure, Homer, go right ahead.
[cut to Homer, playing pinball game called "Devil's Advocate"]

~~~

Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

~~~

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

~~~

Homer : Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.

~~~

Homer : I don’t need to rehearse.   Ho Ho Ho!   Merry - line?
Bart : Christmas.
Homer : What? That can’t be right. Let me see that! [grabs script]

***

[as Santa in parade]
Homer : Ho Ho Ho! Merry Everyone!

~~~

Homer : Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

~~~

[Lisa takes Bart to the library]
Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books!
Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
Bart: Oh. Heh heh. Gotcha. [wink]

~~~

Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Bart: Okay.
Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
Bart: You got it.
Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
Bart: Done.
Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about!
Bart: True.
Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating!
Bart: I'll bet.

~~~

Homer : Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Homer: Awwww.

~~~

Bart : I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.

~~~

Bart : You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear them get BEATEN UP.
Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.

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Homer : Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back.

~~~

Homer : Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.

~~~

Homer : I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

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Abe : Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Abe: Flu?
Homer: No.
Abe: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Abe: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Abe: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N -- yes. But please, don't you say that word!
Abe: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.

~~~

Abe Simpson: How’s it going, milkshakes?

~~~

Abe Simpson: Call me mint jelly, cause I’m on the lamb!

~~~

Homer : Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks, Dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.

~~~

Bart : Hey Homer, this house sucks!
Homer: Bart, I told you to never use that word! Call me Daddy.

~~~

[Lisa fears a new girl in school is more talented than she.]
Marge: Believe me, honey. She's more scared of you than you are of her.
Lisa: You're thinking of bears, Mom.

~~~

Lisa: Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity! Aaaaa!

Homer : Well, it's always in the last place you look.

~~~

Bart : Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.

~~~

Homer : Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

~~~

Homer : But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

~~~

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart& Lisa : Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

~~~

[After the angel hoax is exposed.]
Homer: What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?!
Bart: I could take up smoking.
Homer: You damn well better.

~~~

Lisa: Oh, if I fail I won't even be able to get into Vassar.
Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady.

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Bart : I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.

~~~

Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.

~~~

Lisa : I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny.
Homer: "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny?

~~~

Homer : Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
Homer: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.

~~~

Lisa : Are you okay?
Homer : I think so.   The bone stopped the bullet.
Lisa : Dad, this may be one of those things you should go to the hospital for.
Homer : After pie.

~~~

[Writing a food review]
Homer: The bread was... the bread was...
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff!
Homer: You've been pitching that one all night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?

~~~

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bart: [creepily] Hello, Mother dear.
Marge: That's it: we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

~~~

[Lisa, home with the mumps, watches a soap opera with Marge.]
Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
Marge: Mmmmm, I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boathouse.

~~~

Homer : Family, gather round, I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable!
Bart& Lisa : Cable?!
Bart: All right!
Homer: That's right, sixty-eight channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, sixteen hours of quality programming a day!
Marge: I don't know, Homer, we've discussed cable before. Do you really think we can afford this?
Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can afford it.
Marge: Mmmm, are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Relax, Marge. Read this.
[Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable"]
Marge: "Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam." I don't know...

~~~

Marge: Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?
Homer : I could ask you the same question!
Marge : [pause] Should I just back out of the room now?
Homer : Would you?
[Marge backs slowly out of kitchen]

~~~

Marge : Kids can be so cruel!
Bart: We can? Thanks, Mom!

~~~

[Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe]
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! [walks out, slams door, then sticks head back in] Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.

~~~

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.

~~~

Mother Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven!
Lisa: No, Dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?

~~~

Lisa :   That flag only has 49 stars!
Grandpa Simpson:   I'll be cold in my grave before I recognize Missoura!

~~~

[After getting school uniforms]
Bart: These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on the phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Oh, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are lookin' at me!

~~~

[about the Party Posse Song "YVAN EHT NIOJ"]
Lisa : But what does it mean?
Homer : It doesn't mean anything.   Like 'rama-lama-ding-dong', or 'give peace a chance'.

~~~

Marge : How's your back, Homey?
Homer : I can't complain. [points to sign "No Complaining"]

~~~

Marge : Homer, shouldn't you be at work?
Homer: Yeah, but if they said I come in late one more time, I shouldn't come in at all. I can't take that chance, Marge!

*****