SIDESHOW BOB
Marge
: You awful, awful man! Stay away
from my son!
Sideshow
Bob: [menacing]
I'll stay away. Stay away... FOREVER!
Homer
: Oh, no!
Sideshow
Bob: Wait. That's
no good. [walks away, then runs back] I've got a good one
now. Marge, say "stay away from my son" again!
Marge
: No!
~~~
Sideshow Bob : You do know, I... used to have a... problem with trying to kill people.
Cecil [sarcastically]: Goodness! I had no idea! For you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut, and my fingers in my ears.
Sideshow Bob : Touché, Cecil.
~~~
[Bob & Cecil have been arrested]
Sideshow
Bob
: But you can’t do
this!
I
saved the children’s
lives! I’m a
hero!
Cecil: Tell them they'll
live to regret this.
Sideshow Bob: YOU'LL LIVE
TO REGRET THIS!!!... Oh thanks a lot, now I look
crazy.
~~~
Bart
: We want the truth!
Sideshow Bob
: You can't handle the truth! No
truth-handler, you! I deride your truth-handling
abilities.
~~~
Chief
Wiggum
: HEY! The state's not paying you 5
CENTS an HOUR to mess around, NOW GET BUSY!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, I'll
get busy....I'll get busy indeed....HAHA HAH
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!~(echoes)
Chief Wiggum: [starts to
laugh/snort with him] You still got it, Bob.
~~~
Sideshow Bob : "Die Bart, Die?" Noooo, it's German. It means "The Bart, The."
Lady : No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
~~~
Sideshow Bob : Ah the catwalk. The perfect vantage point...for revenge. [sits] Ah, kettle chips. The perfect side dish...for revenge.
~~~
Sideshow
Bob
: Rakes... my old arch enemy!
Bart: I thought I was
your arch enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I do have a
life outside of you, Bart.
~~~
Sideshow Bob : No screams? Not even an eep?
~~~
Sideshow Bob : Oh, Krusty. I was the irascible one in our dyad.
~~~
Bart:
Guess who!
Cecil:
Maris?
~~~
Commercial: Vote Quimby for mayor. If you were running for
mayor, he'd vote for you.
(Paid for by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor mayoral
committee.)
~~~
Commercial: Mayor Quimby believes in revolving door prisons. He even released Sideshow Bob, a man twice convicted for attempted murder... VOTE Sideshow Bob for mayor".
~~~
TROY McCLURE
[Showing
Simpsons "outtakes"]
If that's what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure gold!
~~~
Don't
kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone
you care about.
~~~
Hi, I'm
actor Troy McClure. You may remember me from such biblical films as “David vs.
Super Goliath” and “Suddenly Last Supper."
~~~
Hi, I'm
Troy McClure. You may remember me from such driver's ed films as “The
Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot” and “Alice's Adventures Through The Windshield
Glass."
~~~
Hi, I'm
Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as “Lead Paint:
Delicious But Deadly” and “Here Comes The Metric System!"
~~~
Hi, I'm
Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as “2 Minus 3
Equals Negative Fun” and “Firecrackers: The Silent Killer.”
~~~
Hi, I'm
Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as Designated Drivers, the
life saving nerds."
~~~
Hi, I'm
Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke
Yourself Thin" and "Get Confidence, Stupid!"
~~~
Hello,
I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as
"Mothballing Your Battleship” and “Dig Your Own Grave, And Save!”
~~~
I'm
your host, Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as “The Erotic
Adventures of Hercules” and “Dial M for Murderousness!”
~~~
Hello,
I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as: “Tonight We Kill,
Tomorrow We Die” and “Gladys, the Groovy Mule!"
~~~
[to
Selma]
"Hi,
I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such things as last night's date.
~~~
Lenny: We made it! And it's all
thanks to teamwork.
Carl:
Yeah, my teamwork.
~~~
Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz
McClure: We own
you like Siegfried owns Roy.
~~~
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feeling
better. It's about making other people feel WORSE, and making a few bucks while
you're at it.
~~~
Comic Book Guy: Come back! Those are prescription pants!
~~~
Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi, everybody!
~~~
[While
operating on Homer]
Dr. Nick
Riviera: [singing] The kneebone's connected to the... something. The
something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my
wrist watch. ...Uh oh.
~~~
Dr. Nick Riviera: Calm down sir, you're going to
give yourself skin failure.
~~~
Dr. Nick Riviera: Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
~~~
Barney: Hello, my name is Barney and
I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl
Scout meeting!
Barney:
Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?
~~~
Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is
it with you and failure?
~~~
[Homer
is teaching a university course on marriage]
Homer:
I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the
bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her
elbow.
Edna Krabappel:
We need names!
Homer:
Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y."
So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor
running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson!"
~~~
Ned Flanders: A rude Frenchman! Why, I
never!
~~~
Maude Flanders: Neddy, I've had just about all I can take
of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll go get some hot dogs.
Ned Flanders:
No foot-longs!
Maude Flanders: I know, they make
you uncomfortable.
~~~
[Ned
and Homer are driving in a snowstorm]
Ned Flanders:
Homer, we just hit something!
Homer:
Ooooooh, I hope it was Flanders!
~~~
Mayor Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are
our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets
and brains.
Ned Flanders:
Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye! I declare myself
pickled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial
Day!
Homer Simpson:
You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders! Gimme that!
[Grabs the bell from him] Hear
ye! Hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock
thy world!
Chief Wiggum:
Good God, he is fabulous!
Seymour
Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance!
~~~
Homer: Dig him up! Dig up that
corpse! If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of
the ground to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue!
Mayor Quimby:
Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
~~~
Mayor Quimby: Oh, dear God. Can't this town
go one day without a riot?
~~~
Homer: They're milking rats! RATS!
Mayor Quimby:
[to Fat Tony] Rats?! You promised me dog or higher!
~~~
Rainier Wolfcastle: The film is just me standing
in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.
Jay Sherman:
How do you sleep at night?
Rainier
Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money, with lots of beautiful
ladies.
~~~
[A very
young Rainier Wolfcastle in a TV commercial]
Rainier
Wolfcastle: My bratwurst has a first name. / It's F-R-I-T-Z / My
bratwurst has a second name. / It's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-H-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N
~~~
Rainier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialogue coach: No, "Up and atom."
Rainier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialogue coach: Up and ATOM!
Rainier
Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialouge coach: [frustrated] Better.
~~~
Rainier Wolfcastle [in acid wave
stunt]: My
eyes! The goggles do nothing!
~~~
Maude Flanders: Edna, I really don't think we're talking
about love. We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
Krusty the
Klown: Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down!
~~~
Krusty the Klown: This game show crap is just a
fad.
Network Exec: Well, fad or not, it's here to stay!
~~~
Announcer: And now, retiring for the fifth and final
time...Krusty the Klown!
~~~
Moe Szyslak: Call this an unfair
generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
~~~
Moe: People today are healthier and drinking
less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would
even use the cigarette machine.
~~~
Moe: Hey, it don't hurt no more! Now I can focus on my crippling emotional
pain!
~~~
Moe: I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of
dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt.
~~~
Moe: You know what I blame this on the
breakdown of? Society.
~~~
Homer: You should join my religion, Moe. No
hell, no kneeling...
Moe: Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a
snake handler.
~~~
Kang: Holy fleurking schnit!
~~~
Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you
decreased in mass?
~~~
Kang: We must move forward... not backwards, not
to the side, but always whirling, whirling, whirling towards freedom!
~~~
[Kodos
and Kang appear at the Simpson door]
Homer:
Oh, no. Mormons!
Kang: Actually, we're Quantum
Presbyterians.
~~~
Mr. Burns: Excellent!
~~~
Mr. Burns: Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds.
~~~
[A rock
flies through Mr. Burns' office window]
Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has
become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
~~~
Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm
giving you a five percent pay cut!
~~~
[Date
leaves with Monopoly guy (Mr. Pennybags)]
Mr. Burns: Ooh!
Damn that Pennybags! Between him
and Scrooge McDuck, all the best ankle is taken!
~~~
Mr. Burns: Smithers, why didn't you tell me about
this market crash!
Smithers:
Um, well, sir... it happened twenty five years before I was born.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse
for everything!
~~~
Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed
troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I
would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers:
You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
~~~
Mr. Burns: Who is that firebrand, Smithers?
Smithers:
That's Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers:
He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the
plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.
~~~
Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are
idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started
sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers:
If you did it, sir?
~~~
[Watching
Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]
Mr. Burns:
Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers:
Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.
~~~
[Smithers
turns on his computer, and a naked Monty Burns appears]
Mr. Burns [computer voice]: Hello.. Smithers..
You’re.. quite ..good ..at ..turning ..me ..on.
Smithers [to Lisa]: You should probably ignore
that.
~~~
[Speaking
about the skeleton she found]
Lisa:
It could be a mutant from the power plant.
Mr. Burns: That's preposterous,
everyone knows our mutants have flippers -- oops, I've said too much. Smithers,
get the amnesia ray.
Smithers:
You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr. Burns: Yes. And be sure to wipe your mind clear when
you're done as well.
~~~
Homer: You're going to ask her to marry
you?
Mr. Burns: Isn't it wonderful? I'm head over heels
in love!
Homer: Are you sure you want to do this so fast?
Mr. Burns: Yes, my biological clock is ticking. I could be dead again soon.
~~~
Mr. Burns: If the house catches fire,
call this number.
Marge:
Uh-huh. The fire department.
Mr. Burns:
Yes. They're new. But they're good.
~~~
Brother Faith: God gave you the power!
Bart: Really? I'd think He'd want to limit my power.
~~~
Mrs. Lovejoy: Won't somebody PLEASE think of the
children???
~~~
Reverend Lovejoy: Wait a minute. This sounds
like rock and/or roll.
~~~
Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called "new
religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to
take away the money of fools. Now, let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but
first, let's pass the collection plate!
~~~
Marge: Aren't you going to perform
the last rites?
Reverend
Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform
a voodoo dance.
~~~
Ned Flanders: Sorry to bother you, Reverend
Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to
eat his damn vegetables.
Reverend Lovejoy:
Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus?
Ned Flanders:
No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word!
Reverend Lovejoy:
Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace.
Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.
Ned Flanders:
Where in the Bible?
Reverend Lovejoy:
Uh... page 900. [quickly hangs up]
~~~
Kent Brockman: ...and the fluffy kitten
played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a
Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
~~~
Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep,
hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it
the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... THE KILLBOT FACTORY!
~~~
Kent Brockman: I'm Kent Brockman. On the eleven o'clock news tonight...a
certain kind of soft drink has been found lethal. We won't tell you which one
until after sports and the weather with funny Sonny Storm!
~~~
Kent Brockman: At 3pm Friday, local autocrat
C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at Town Hall.
Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then
transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to alive.
~~~
Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been
found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black
cape was found on the scene. [The cape
says "DRACULA"] Police are
baffled.
~~~
Kent Brockman: Homer, how do reply to fact that while
crime is down 7%, sack beatings are up and astounding 300%!
Homer: Oh, Kent, anybody can make up statistics,
43% of all people know that.
~~~
Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with
a fever. Football fever. If you have
the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday
morning!
Public Service Announcer: Warning.
Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer:
See? Because of me, now they have a warning.
~~~
Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing
precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack
each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor:
Yes I would, Kent.
~~~
Lionel Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz:
That's why you're the judge and I'm the... law... talking... guy.
~~~
Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don't
you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.
~~~
Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs.
Simpson, I -- uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge:
Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz:
Well, he's kind of had it in for me since I accidentally ran over his dog.
Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and
replace "dog" with "son."
~~~
Lionel Hutz: [trying to get Homer out of contract
with the devil/Flanders]
What is a contract? Webster’s defines it as a legal-binding agreement which is
unbreakable... UNBREAKABLE.... [jury of the damned just stares back at him]
Will you excuse me for a minute? [leaves quickly]
~~~
Alien: I bring you love!
Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let
it get away!
Carl: Break its legs!
Lisa: No! Wait!
[Shines flashlight on alien to reveal Mr. Burns]
Willy:
Argh! It's a monster! Kill it, kill it!
Smithers:
No, stop! It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns!
Willy:
Ahhh, it's Mr. Burns. Kill it, kill it!!
~~~
Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware - it carries
a terrible curse!
Homer:
Oooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free
Frogurt!
Homer:
That's good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also
cursed.
Homer:
That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice
of toppings!
Homer:
That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain
sodium benzoate. [Homer looks puzzled.] That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
~~~
Homer: Got any of that beer that has
candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu:
Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer:
Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.
~~~
Apu: There it is, the world's first
convenience store.
Homer:
This isn't very convenient.
Apu:
Must you knock on everything we do?
~~~
[Apu is
shot]
Apu:
Ah! the searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.
~~~
[Bees
have escaped from a bee farm]
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Awfully quiet
around here.
Beekeeper 2: Yes... a little TOO
quiet, if you know what I mean.
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Afraid I don't.
Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually
make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees.
Beekeeper 1: Hmm... oh look, there
goes one.
Beekeeper 2: To the bee mobile!
Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy?
Beekeeper 2: ...Yes.
~~~
[After
car accident]
Jasper: My beard! You broke my beard!
~~~
Manager: Do you like children?
Homer:
What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts?
~~~
Theater Worker: I'm sorry, sir. We're not supposed to put butter on Milk Duds.
Homer: Well you're not supposed to leave the
bathroom without washing your hands.
Theater Worker: [looks at hands] Touché.
~~~
Theater Worker [throws Homer out of theater]: Point out
your plot holes elsewhere!
Homer [on knees]: Is there no place for the man
with the 105 IQ?
~~~
Reporter [about Homer]: Is everyone as tired as I am of this warmed-over Fred
Flinstone? It's time to put this
one-trick pony out to stud.
Homer: Woo hoo!
First stop, Maude Flanders!
~~~
Homer: Whoa, careful now. These are
dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types. So avoid eye contact,
watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone.
Hustler:
Three card monte!
Homer:
Woo hoo! Easy money!
~~~
Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have
to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer:
Say it in English, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert:
You're going to need open-heart surgery.
Homer:
Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
Dr. Hibbert:
We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer:
Could you dumb it down a shade?
~~~
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Another broccoli-related
death.
Marge:
But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Julius
Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to
warn you itself with its terrible taste.
~~~
Experimenter: We could remove the crayon from your
brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. Or it could kill you.
Homer: Increase my killing power, eh?
~~~
Becky [to Marge]: You're a real life Martha
Stewart. Without the evil.
~~~
Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I
don't like you.
Homer:
I like you.
Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like
you.
Homer:
Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.
~~~
[Bart
has an earring]
Bart:
Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
Homer:
Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely
different!
~~~
L.T. Smash: It's a three pronged attack: subliminal,
liminal, and superliminal.
Lisa: Superliminal?
L.T. Smash: I'll show you. [yells out window] Hey,
you! Join the Navy!
Lenny: Yeah, all right.
Carl: I'm in!
~~~
[Homer
is a blackjack dealer]
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your
move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond:
I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer deals Bond a card] Joker? You're supposed to take these out of the deck.
Homer:
Oh, sorry, I'll give you another one.
[Homer deals Bond another card]
James Bond:
What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity,
Mr. Bond...
[Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him]
James Bond:
But... but wait! It was Homer's fault. I can't lose! I never lose! [Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the
casino] At least tell me your plans for
world domination!
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm
not falling for THAT one again.
~~~
Dealer: 19.
Homer :
Hit me!
Dealer: 20.
Homer:
Hit me!
Dealer: 21.
Homer:
Hit me!
Dealer: 22.
Homer:
D'oh!
~~~
Bart: Milhouse, what happened?! You
were supposed to be watching the factory!
Milhouse: I was watchin'! First it started to fall over, then it fell over.
~~~
Milhouse: It started out like Romeo and
Juliet, but it ended in tragedy.
~~~
Milhouse: No one told me there would be boasting!
~~~
Milhouse: I like this dog [Laddie] better than your old dog, Bart. Remember when he ate my goldfish and you
lied to me, saying that I didn't have a goldfish? But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
~~~
Kearney: Aw man! You just kissed a
girl!
Jimbo Jones :
That is so gay!
~~~
Principal Skinner: Children, I couldn't help
monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply
disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.
~~~
Principal Skinner: There's no justice like
angry-mob justice.
~~~
Principal Skinner: Are you adequately prepared to
rock?
~~~
Principal Skinner: I have caught word that a
child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it.
~~~
Principal Skinner: Your master's degrees more
than qualify you for assistant janitor.
But I am troubled by your repeated attempts to murder people.
Sideshow Bob: To be fair, most of those people were
Bart Simpson.
[laugh
together]
Principal Skinner: Yeah, he's like that
roadrunner. He just won't go down!
~~~
Principal Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too
close! Move your car!
Edna Krabappel:
I'm in the lines. You got a problem, go tell your mama!
Principal Skinner:
Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this.
~~~
Lunch Lady Doris: The kitchen staff is complaining of rats in the kitchen. I'd
like to hire a new staff.
~~~
Willy: There's nary an animal alive
that can outrun a greased Scotsman!
~~~
Willy: Okay, Skinner. That's the last time you'll slap your Willy around!
~~~
Superintendent Chalmers: I've had it with this school,
Skinner! Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...
~~~
Ned Flanders: Let's thank the Lord for
another beautiful day.
Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank
the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school! God
has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within
organized religion!
~~~