Chief Wiggum : What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?

~~~

Chief Wiggum : See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.

~~~

Chief Wiggum : No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. ...Maybe Texas.

~~~

Chief Wiggum : They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the daytime.

~~~

Chief Wiggum [selling police merchandise via the internet]: You have the right to remain fabulous!

~~~

Marge: [on radio] Husband on murderous rampage! Send help! Over.
Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit.

~~~

Chief Wiggum : I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: Kids Never Learn.

~~~

Chief Wiggum :   They're easier to beat than a prisoner in shackles!

~~~

Chief Wiggum [to Marge]: Let me tell you what I tell everyone who comes in here - the law is powerless to help you.

~~~

Chief Wiggum : All right, you scrawny beanpoles.   Becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Man : Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?!
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.
Man : I've have it up to here with your "rules"!   [leaves]

~~~

Chief Wiggum : Now don't try anything funny, Bob.   I'm gonna be on you like red beans on -- hey, don't walk so fast! I'm talking to you!   Hey, you have long legs and I just have these little bitty hooves!

~~~

Lisa: Can I see a prisoner?

Chief Wiggum : Go ahead.

Lisa : Aren’t you coming with me?

Chief Wiggum : Hey, I get enough flaming toilet paper thrown at me at home.

~~~

Lou : You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night.
Chief Wiggum: A what?
Lou : A McDonald's restaurant. Eh, I never heard of it either, but they have over two thousand locations in this state alone.
Eddie : Must've sprung up overnight.
Lou : You know the funniest thing, though, it's the little differences.
Chief Wiggum: Example?
Lou : Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Get out! What do they call it?
Lou : A Quarter Pounder with cheese.

Chief Wiggum : A Quarter Pounder with cheese?! Well, I can see the cheese but, do they have Krusty's partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverage?
Lou: Yeah. They call it a shake.
Eddie: Puh! Shake! You don't know what you're getting
~~~

Bart : Take 'em away, boys.

Chief Wiggum : Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake 'em away, toys.

Lou : What, Chief?

Chief Wiggum : Do what the kid says.

~~~

[Homer is pulled over on median]

Homer : Oh, why did he single me out?

Chief Wiggam : Okay, where's the fire?

Homer : Over there [points at police station on fire]

Chief Wiggam : Okay pal, you just earned yourself a 317, pointing out police stupidity.   Or is that 314? [Mumbles] 317, 314...

~~~

Chief Wiggum : All right, boys, set your nightsticks on “whomp.”

[All cops click their sticks on]

Eddie : Um, mine’s...stuck on “twirl.”

Chief Wiggum : Oh, for the love of... [clicks, baton stops twirling] There.   Now let’s crack some skulls.

 

Ralph : It's cold and hurty.

~~~

Ralph : Me fail English? That's unpossible!

~~~

Ralph : I eated the purple berries.   They taste like burning!!

~~~

Ralph : Mr. Flanders you're blindeded

~~~

Ralph : Wheee!   I'm a pop sensation!

~~~

[Students draw pictures in Sunday School.]
Sunday School Teacher: Ralph, Jesus didn't have wheels.

~~~

Ralph [getting sprayed with fake blood]: I look like cable TV!

~~~

Ralph : Hi Lisa!! Hi SuperNintendo Chalmers!! I'm learnding!!

~~~

Ralph : The doctor says I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there!

~~~

Ralph : Dying tickles!!!

~~~

Miss Hoover : Ralph, are you eating your paste?
Ralph (through a mouthful of paste): No, Miff Hoover.

~~~

Ralph : Prinminster Skipple! I mean, Prinskipple Skimster! I found something! It's a spearhead!
Miss Hoover: That's your trowel blade, Ralph. It fell off the handle.
Ralph: And I found it!

~~~

[Polonius/Wiggum gets stabbed & is bleeding profusely]

Laertes/Ralph : Daddy’s stomach is crying!

Polonius/Wiggum : Revenge me, Son!

Laertes/Ralph : I like bevenging!

~~~

Claudius/Moe: Remember, Hamlet - Laertes gets one practice stab.

Laertes/Ralph : Oh boy! [stabs self & dies]

~~~