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FIVE A.M.
Why am I up at five a.m.? My brain just won’t let me sleep, that’s why. Going a mile a minute. Must be the caffeine. I’m so used to drinking alcohol that the coffee threw me for a loop. And now I’m up, and all I can do is think.
About Justin, mainly. He is in there sleeping like, well, like a baby. God, what am I doing with him? Justin... I can’t get my mind around the fact that he’s still here. This is still new to me, this relationship crap. Relationship. With Justin. Shit.
He’s such a fucking pain sometimes. He’s contradictory. Stubborn. But he’s so incredibly smart. And clever. That’s so sexy. So is his body. He’s surprised me many times with his skills. He didn’t learn all that from me. His body is ideal, actually. He is my fantasy, come to life. But Jesus, he’s so young. And he’s got so much living yet to do. Is that what all this early morning angst is about? Justin?
I wish I could figure him out, I really do. He is so like me, and yet we are so different. I haven’t quite resolved that in my own head yet. It’s like I’m being pulled two different ways. On the one hand, we really are a good match. Our philosophies are the same, and it works for us right now. Plus the sex is incredible. He never gets tired of me. And what’s remarkable, I don’t get tired of him either. On the other hand, he is turning out to be just like me, and that might be ultimately destructive for both of us. How much influence have I had on him? How much of what he believes is because of me? He fell in love with me, and now is modeling himself to be just like me. But even I recognize that may not be a good thing.
Hey, I’m fucked up. I make no bones about that. My parents were fucked up, and they fucked me up raising me. And now Justin has made me his role model. Honestly, he has become more *me* than I am. I recognize that he’s still working out who he is. But as much as I admire the fact that he’s striking out on his own and becoming his own person, I’m not sure I like who he is becoming.
I know people think I don’t care. Hell, most of the time I don’t. But when it matters, I care. A lot. And Justin isn’t just a trick to me anymore. I care about what happens to him, who he becomes, and what he does with his life. Crazy but true. And I’ll never admit this out loud, either, but besides me, and Mikey, Justin is the most important person in my life. Mikey’s doing okay, I think. At least he’s getting there. He’s doing what he does best with that comic book store. I actually respect him for that.
Justin, though... he wants to be so independent. Like me. But this dancing thing... I just have a feeling that it’s bad news. As much as I like Justin – dare I say love him? – he is really just a kid. He’s got so much growing up to do.
Or does he just want to think he’s a grown-up? That’s more likely. Does he think I’m stupid? Does he think that I don’t know where he was or what he was doing? (Or who?) Dancing, my ass. That boss of his is just using him. I know what Justin thinks: he’s getting an opportunity to be independent, even from me. But he’s starting down a path that could ruin his future. Doesn’t he realize that? I don’t want him to end up like so many other fags that break away from their parents, only to get involved in things they can’t get out of. I’ve seen that too many times.
Like that guy in the dumpster. I know people think I’m a shit for what I said, but even I’m not really that callous. Even though I joked and glossed over his death, I couldn’t help but be shaken. That could be Justin. Easily.
Fuck. No wonder I can’t sleep. I can’t think about this shit anymore. But it’s too late to take anything, or I won’t be able to get up tomorrow. Maybe there’s something on TV.
THE END