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It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is
right
I hope you had the time of your life...
Brian knew this would happen, knew Justin would leave someday, knew that he had practically pushed Justin out that door. He tried to stay cool, but in fact he was dying inside, watching him leave with that-that...violin player. Fuck.
~~~
Justin looked over his shoulder, saw the stark expression on Brian’s face, and almost turned back. He was scared shitless, but Brian would never change – he’d just now been in the back room having another casual fuck - so if it didn’t matter to Brian, then it didn’t matter to him. He walked out the door with Ethan. It was time to move on.
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go...
Brian reached over and silenced the beeping alarm clock. Automatically he felt the other side of the bed, only to find it cold. He took a deep, resigned breath and got up, refusing to think about anything but getting ready for work.
~~~
The gregarious laughter of ballet dancers and the pounding melodies of Green Day greeted Justin as he walked through the student lounge. He plopped himself into the low orange chair farthest away from the rowdy group, set his portfolio bag down on the floor, and lay his head back.
He was stressed out, not only with classes, but also trying to figure out how he was going to pay for school, because for sure Brian wouldn’t anymore. When Brian offered to support him, he’d protested vehemently. But he had to admit that it’d been nice lately, not to have to worry about money. Now, though, he’d be just another starving artist, like Ethan.
He thought about the incredibly romantic evening his new boyfriend had arranged last night, and smiled. He quickly drifted off into a light doze, warm with remembering.
So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why
It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time...
He rolled off of his trick, breathing hard. The guy moved to kiss him, but Brian turned his head away. “Hey, man, that’s cool,” the guy said. “Want a bump?”
“No,” Brian replied curtly, and got up to use the toilet.
All he could think of was Justin. Why? They weren’t married, this wasn’t a divorce. If anything, he should be happy to be free from obligation. Now he wouldn’t have to keep paying for his schooling, or think of Justin every time he wanted to fuck or kiss a guy, or worry every time the kid has a flashback...
Brian stared at his reflection in the mirror. This wasn’t like him; he didn’t even get this melancholy when his dad died. But then, he and his dad had never had much of a relationship.
This wasn’t supposed to be a relationship, either, Brian reminded himself, arranging the bottles on the counter. Free to come and go as they pleased... Those damn rules. Justin was the one who wanted them, and then he goes and violates every one. For a few eighth-notes and a pretty face. He’s such an ungrateful PRICK! Brian thought violently, and threw a can of shaving cream at the wall.
It exploded into a thousand messy pieces, cream dripping slowly down the tile. The trick, now fully dressed, craned his head into the bathroom. “Hey, man, I, uh, gotta go,” he said carefully. “See ya.”
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good times...
He unpacked his bag and began to put his things away in the spaces Ethan had cleared. He took out a square Lucite box containing several tiny steel rings. He opened the box and took out the plainest one.
Justin fingered the nipple ring and smiled, remembering when he’d gotten it. He thought Brian would think it was so cool, but he couldn’t have cared less.
When was the last time he’d even worn it? He couldn’t remember. So much for trying to please people who didn’t care. Suddenly he was overcome with memories of Brian. Mortified, he quickly put the ring back into the case and stuffed it into a drawer underneath a pile of underwear.
~~~
“Hey, isn’t that Justin’s?” Michael remarked, indicating the gold-plated picture frame shoved haphazardly into the far corner of Brian’s desk.
He didn’t look up, knowing exactly what Michael referred to, and trying not to remember the night he’d surprised Justin with it. It was one of Justin’s sketches, and Brian had gotten it framed for him as a gift. The red bow was still attached in the corner. “Yeah.”
Michael stared hard at his best friend. “I thought you didn’t do romance.”
“I don’t,” Brian said, frowning, cutting off any further discussion by turning away.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while...
“Whatcha thinking about?” Ethan asked, lazily stroking Justin’s bare back.
“Nothing, really,” Justin replied.
“You know, I’m really glad you’re here. Have I told you that lately?”
“Only about every day,” Justin chuckled. The silence stretched out, and he finally continued. “I’m glad to be here, too.” Why couldn’t he say that with conviction? He did like being here; they had fun. Surely soon he’d get used to this. Right?
He was thinking about Brian, and he felt guilty about being here, even though he knew it was the right place to be. Brian would never, ever, give him what he wanted, what he needed. Ethan would. Their affair had been completely accidental, but Justin couldn’t undo it now, couldn’t relieve the suffering it caused. What was done was done, and they couldn’t go back. Of course, he wondered, how much did Brian ever really suffer anyway.
Ethan sighed and rolled onto Justin, and whispered into his ear. “Good. Because this is where you belong. You belong to me now.” Justin cringed inwardly at Ethan’s possessiveness. He didn’t like the idea of belonging to anybody. He started to protest, but Ethan had begun to kiss his way down Justin’s back, and soon Justin forgot all about those pesky, intrusive thoughts about Brian.
~~~
Brian rummaged through the drawer looking for a letter opener, but stopped in his tracks when he saw the rectangle of paper. The ticket to Justin’s prom last year. He didn’t want to touch it, and didn’t know how it’d gotten in the drawer to begin with.
Images flashed through Brian’s head, unbidden. The smell of the gym and Justin’s cologne; the soft silk scarf and Justin’s scratchy, stiff tux; feeling awkward and too old, then the amazing connection between them as they danced; the slow-motion, exaggerated movements surrounding the bashing; the cold cement; the blood. So much blood. The utter helplessness he felt – there was absolutely nothing he could do.
He slammed the drawer and forcibly put that night out of his mind. Instead he focused hard on Justin as he was now, essentially healthy and whole. And happy, even if it was with another guy. Brian’s heart was broken, but he was relieved that Justin was still around to break it.
Forgetting about the work he still had to do that night, he grabbed his leather jacket and walked out of the loft, shutting the door with a crash.
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life...
“Earth to Brian, come in Brian,” Debbie said, simultaneously annoyed and concerned.
“Oh. Uh, just coffee, and lots of it,” Brian said, burying his head again in his newspaper.
She turned over the cup and filled it with regular. “Something wrong, honey?”
“No, nothing,” he replied, not looking up.
“Uh-huh,” she answered cynically, but didn’t press, instead leaving him alone for once. He knew she was the one person who knew what he was going through, and Brian almost regretted the abandonment. Almost. He sipped his coffee silently, and Deb silently refilled the cup three times. He remained on the stool, nursing his drink and thinking - or rather, trying not to think - about Justin.
~~~
He paused at the diner window. He wasn’t ready to see Brian yet, but there he was, sitting at the counter. He tried to keep from panicking, or rushing over and falling on his knees, to beg Brian to take him back. All he could do was stand there, frozen.
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life...
Blue neon...Sweat dripping...Smooth, silky skin...Crushing kisses...Animal needs and unexpected tenderness...Discovery of hidden pleasures...Ice cream...Feeling safe...
Intruder...Detachment...Suffering...Miscommunication...Separation...Heartache...
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right...
Brian signaled Debbie for another round of coffee; one more and he’d go back to his work. He didn’t see Justin touch the window gently, or his crooked grin, or his slow exit past the diner window and around the corner, out of sight.
I hope you had the time of your life.
THE END