Starman
[motel room]
[a clock flicks from 11:10 to 11:11. Music: ‘Have I Told
You Lately That I Love You’ by Willie Nelson]
Ian: Audrey,
have I told you lately that I love you?
Audrey:
[voice from
bathroom]
Huh?
Ian: Because I
do. And a woman as precious as you, as gentle as you,
should be cherished and nurtured. Treated like a hothouse
flower. [more to
self]
Protected and preserved in the delicate warmth of her
own... humidity...
Audrey:
[voice]
Huh?!
Ian:
[loudly]
Humidity.
Audrey:
[voice]
Oh, I’ll turn on the fan.
Ian: Because
when you love a woman–-
[pulls a ring from
his pocket]
I mean when
you really love a woman-– that’s what you do. Because
that’s what you should do. So will you?
Audrey:
[coming out of the
bathroom]
Will I what?
Ian: Will you
marry me?
Audrey: I
uh...
[Ian puts the ring
on her finger]
Ian: Till
death do us part.
Audrey: Ian,
I--
Ian:
Audrey.
[Ian kisses her...
suddenly the door bursts open, a blinding bright light
shines through]
Audrey:
No!
Man: The
signal!
Audrey: No,
no! I need more time.
Man: Azimuth
220, Andromeda.
Audrey:
They’re here?
Ian: Who’s
here? Get the hell out of here!
[Ian leaps toward the door, banging his head on the
bedside
table]
Audrey: I have
to go, I can’t explain.
Ian: No, wait
– what do you mean?
Audrey: I’m
sorry, I--
Ian: No, no,
take me. I’m the dominant species.
Audrey:
Ian!
[Man2 injects something into Ian’s upper
arm]
Ian: Ahh!
Audrey: Ian!
Ian!
[the men drag Audrey away, as Ian falls to the floor,
apparently
drugged]
<Doo Mah>
[27th
precinct]
Fraser: So I
have your word?
Ray:
Yes.
Fraser: And
you promise.
Ray: I
said
I promise.
Fraser: Very
good. Let’s say you had helped someone. And then you swore
you would never help that person again.
Ray: This is a
hypothetical question, right?
Fraser: All
right, Ray, sure.
Ray:
Okay.
Fraser: Okay.
Well, let’s say this hypothetical person had not been
entirely honest with you. Well, as a matter of fact, he...
All right, he was a pathological liar,
but he had
helped you, and in so doing had not helped you, so to
speak.
Ray: Do you
wanna tell me which one of your friends we’re talking
about here?
Fraser: Well,
I thought we agreed this was a hypothetical
situation.
Ray: Ah, that
bad, huh?
Fraser:
Unfortunately. Now, do you think you could find it in your
heart to help him again?
Ray: Well,
what specifically did this friend of yours do--
Fraser:
Ours.
Ray
: Ours.
Fraser:
Yes.
Ray
: Okay, what specifically did this hypothetical friend of
ours do that was so bad that I would never help him
again?
Fraser: Well,
let’s just say that he ruined your vacation, and he caused
you to be attacked by Canadian mobsters, which in turn
forced you to shoot and explode your car until it was a
seething fireball. Hy-hypothetically.
Ray: No. No.
No. No.
Fraser:
There’s no room for--
Ray: No!
Cop#1: Amazing
friend you’ve got, Fraser, I mean, how many guys would run
a marathon around the world to raise money for an
orphanage in China?
Cop#2: 250,000
miles, his feet bleeding, heart fit to burst, just to buy
some poor little Chinese kids a big screen TV.
Cop#1: And a
Dumbo video.
Cop#2: You’ve
gotta love a guy who loves Dumbo.
[cops
exit]
Ray: Ian. Ian
McDonald. Don’t tell me this man is here, because if he
is, I’m gonna take my gun out and I’m gonna shoot
myself.
Ian: Hi, guys.
Am I glad to see you!
Ray: On second
thought, I’m gonna shoot him.
Fraser:
Ray-Ray, please. You promised.
Ray: That was
hypothetically.
Fraser: He
needs help.
Ray: No!
Fraser: Ray,
it will take 10 seconds, and a person’s life may depend
upon it. Look, Ray, just because someone feels compelled
to lie, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a grain of truth
in there somewhere, and
I’m...fairly
certain that he did intend to go to China.
Ray: Two
seconds.
Fraser: All
right, thank you.
[Ian approaches,
Vecchio
smiles]
Ian, tell him.
Ian: My
fiancée has been abducted by aliens.
[Vecchio lunges at
Ian]
Ray : Grrrr!!!
[break room; Vecchio pushes Ian against a vending
machine]
Ian: Fine,
don’t believe me then.
Ray: I
don’t!
Ian: I’m
telling the truth.
Ray: Truth?
You don’t even know how to spell the word.
Ian:
T-R-U-T-H.
Ray: Do I need
to remind you what happened the last time we went for a
ride with this clown? We were in a barroom shootout, there
was mud up to here, and we were in a massive car chase.
And then he stole my car.
Ian: I
borrowed it.
Fraser: And he
did return it.
Ray: Yes, just
in enough time for me to blow it up to save his sorry
butt. Now, you should have let me strangle him.
Ian: It
wouldn’t have worked. The aliens put a protective
force-field around me.
Fraser: Ray,
wait. We should at least hear him out.
Ray: Why? What
good will it do? He’ll only tell us a bunch of lies, and
you’ll believe him, and the next thing you know, we’re
going to be driving around in circles dodging
bullets.
Ian: See, now
that never would have happened if you let me drive.
Ray: Oh, shut
up!
Fraser: You
know, Ray, every piece of the puzzle that doesn’t fit, it
just gets us closer to finding that piece of the puzzle
which does.
Ray: Well,
thank you, Grasshopper. But I have other business to
attend to.
[Vecchio, then Fraser exit; a man wheels a portable
polygraph past
Ian...]
Ian: You.
You’re late. The suspect’s heartbeat is probably way too
high by now, this thing is useless. Go get me a bucket of
ice, a wet towel, and three jars of tomato juice. I’m
gonna make this guy talk if it’s the last thing I do. Go,
man, go! There’s no time to lose!
[takes
polygraph]
[interrogation room; Ian is organizing the polygraph
wires]
Ray: Where’s my
suspect?
Ian: He
confessed. I sent his file to the State’s Attorney and put
him in holding.
Ray: You
impersonated a cop?
Ian: You
certainly weren’t doing a very good job.
Ray: Aw, all
right, that’s it.
[hallway, into observation room]
Ray
: Fraser, this guy has got some serious problems. He’s
probably skipped bail and is here illegally. I’m going to
arrest him.
Fraser: Ray,
come on.
Ray: All
right, at the very least-– at the very least–- we put him
on a bus back to Winnipeg, notify immigration and we do
everybody a favor. He’s talking aliens, for God’s
sake.
Fraser: Well,
I agree he exaggerates, but there may be some truth to
what he’s saying. Let’s take the cut on his forehead for
example.
Ray: Oh, he
slipped in the bathroom.
Fraser: I’m
not so sure. The presence of minute paint particles, along
with the traces of wood in the cut and the
abrasion--
Ray:
Wood?
Fraser: Cheap
particle board would be my guess. And judging from the
angle, he made contact with a low-lying piece of
furniture, perhaps a dresser.
Ray: All
right, so he tripped in the bedroom.
Fraser: Well
now, that is possible. But that would be an assumption,
which is not altogether different from his exaggerations,
if you follow what I am saying. And if we don’t
investigate, we will never be certain.
Ray: Of course
we will.
Fraser: Never
judge a book by its cover, Ray.
Ray: Never
judge a book by its cover? Nobody says that anymore,
Fraser.
Fraser: My
grandmother did.
Ray: Oh, I
knew she was behind this.
Fraser: Behind
what?
Ray: Oh, never
mind.
Fraser: Never
mind what?
Ray: That your
grandmother’s behind this!
Fraser: You
make no sense, Ray.
Ian: I’m
ready. I’m ready.
[waves blindly at
the glass; now hooked up to machine]
Ray: This guy’s
a moron.
Fraser: You
won’t regret this, Ray
Ray: I already
am.
[interrogation room]
Ray: Okay, I’m
going to give you my lunch hour. You got 60 minutes of my
time to waste, and that’s it. Now let’s go.
Ian: You
haven’t interrogated me yet.
Ray: Don’t
push your luck. Just unhook yourself from that machine,
and let’s go.
Fraser: Uh,
Ray, we’re all set up here, shall we?
Ian : <ahem>
Fraser
: All right, please state your name.
Ian: My name
is Ian McDonald.
Fraser: And
what do you do for a living, Ian?
Ian: I operate
a tourism business out of Ontario. We take Canadians into
the United States on sightseeing tours. Which is actually
where I met Audrey. The minute I saw her, it was magic.
Like summer lightning. I knew, I knew, the minute that I
saw her that this was the woman that I would spent the
rest of my life with--
Fraser: Yes,
I’m sure she was. But before Detective Vecchio changes his
mind--
Ian: You
should have seen her face when I gave her the ring. It was
my mother’s. The minute I slipped it on her finger her
eyes, they lit up, like a kid at Christmas--
Ray: You wanna
get to the point please?
Ian: She has
blue eyes just like my mother--
Ray: And out
of the blue, she was abducted.
Ian: Yes.
There was a bright light, I couldn’t see a thing. We were
on the way to the wedding. We’d stopped off for coffee.
Audrey’s father, the Doge of Venice, had flown in from
Switzerland for the ceremony. The guest list is strictly
A-list. Strictly. Okay? Stallone, Sinatra, Bogart--
Ray: Look,
this is useless, all right? This guy couldn’t tell the
truth if his life depended on it. Bogart’s been dead for
twenty years.
Ian: Frank
Bogart, his younger brother. Big oil man in the
Antilles.
Ray: All right,
look, just give me a blunt object. I’m going to put him
out of his misery.
Ian: Oh yeah?
Try it. My father-in-law gave me diplomatic
immunity.
Fraser: This
is very interesting, Ray.
Ray:
What.
Fraser: Well,
it would appear that there was a girl.
Ian: Ha!
See?
Ray: Shut
up.
Fraser: And
although she may not have been abducted by aliens,
according to this, she was abducted. Of course, I suppose
we could choose to ignore it.
Ray: No. Let’s
call the FBI. I can’t wait to see the expression on Agent
Ford’s face when he gets a load of this wacko.
Fraser: Yes,
you’re right, he won’t take the wacko seriously, either.
Although, he might find this interesting.
Ian: Oh. It’s
a bee sting. The eraptor bogart [?]. Killer bees, hundreds
of them.
Ray: Oh,
thousands I’m sure.
Ian: I think
the stinger’s still in there.
Fraser: It
appears to be infected.
[looks
up] Great
Scott – turtles!
[Vecchio & Ian
look up]
Ian
: Turtles? [Fraser
plucks something out of Ian’s arm]
Ahh!!! Police
brutality!!!
Fraser: I have
removed it.
Ray: I
see.
Ian: I
expected better of you, sir.
Fraser: Sit
down.
Ian: I’m
calling the Hague.
Fraser:
[to
Vecchio]
Shall we?
Ian: As a
political prisoner, I demand that you people guarantee my
safety under the Geneva convention--
[Vecchio shuts
door]
[hallway]
Ray: So what
was with the turtles?
Fraser: Well,
there were no turtles, Ray.
Ray: Well, I
know there were no turtles. What were you doing?
Fraser: Oh, I
was simply trying to distract him so I could remove
this.
Ray: A needle.
So what, is he on drugs?
Fraser: I
didn’t see any signs consistent with prolonged drug usage,
aka [quotes with
hands] ‘track
marks.’ And
Ian hardly seems the kind of fellow who needs help to
escape from reality, but perhaps we should ask him.
Ray: So he can
tell us that it’s an immunization shot for his honeymoon
with the Doge? I don’t think so.
Fraser: Well
in that case, Ray, we will have to ask whoever it is that
put this there.
Ray: Well
look, you only got 60 minutes.
Fraser: Why
only 60?
Ray: Because
that’s my lunch hour.
Fraser:
Understood.
Ray: Okay. And
under no circumstances is that little liar gonna set foot
in my car.
[Ian opens the
door]
Ian: All
right, we’ll take my car.
Ray: You have
a car?
Ian: Yes. I
have a car.
[highway; Ian driving a small blue bus with a large rocket
on the
roof]
Ian: Well, what
do you think? It’s on loan from NASA. They were having
financial difficulty with their space shuttle program, and
they were having a fire sale.
Fraser: Well,
it’s very roomy.
[several elderly people are on board with Vecchio &
Fraser]
Murray:
[to
Vecchio]
Do you mind? There’s a draft. It’s very bad for the
lumbago.
Ray: No, not
at all. [they switch
seats]
Excuse me.
Norman : Certainly.
Ray
: [to
Ian] These
your A-list clients?
Ian: Hey. Just
because a person is old, doesn’t mean they can’t have an
open mind and a desire to explore the unknown. Besides,
with compound interest, a person’s net worth by age 65 is
a remarkable thing. Gray Power! You’ll do well to remember
that.
Norman: Who
needs Myrtle Beach when you have the opportunity of a
lifetime? We took one look at this brochure and said to
ourselves, if we walk to the market instead of taking a
taxi, eat a little less on Friday, buy wholesale, we could
have this.
[Dief is taking an interest in
Edna]
Jane: Why sit
home watching Donahue and hear about someone else’s
sightings, when you have a chance to get off the couch and
see it for yourself.
Fraser: May
I?
Norman:
Certainly. [hands
Fraser the brochure]
Fraser: Thank
you.
Jane: A close
encounter is guaranteed in the brochure.
Ian: There are
all kinds of close encounters.
Fraser: So it
would appear.
Ray:
[reading]
“See Base 24,
home of Hanger 57: the US government’s top-secret UFO
intelligence operation. Tour the base, meet the aliens,
take a ride on a real flying saucer.” You’re actually
charging money for this?
Ian: With a
money-back guarantee.
Ray: It’s a
line of bull.
Norman: The
best part is the sky watch.
Ian: Hundreds
of spaceships from every galaxy gather around in an
interplanetary display of precision flying.
Jane: Norman
flew during the war.
Norman: Now,
dear.
Jane: And our
son’s a pilot. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen
him.
Fraser: Well,
he’s probably busy.
Jane: I miss
him.
Edna: What a
nice doggie. [Dief
eats out of her hands]
Fraser: Well,
he’s a wolf actually. And he’s on a diet.
[to
Dief]
That’s enough.
[Dief
grumbles]
Betty: Nice
piece of fried chicken, Mr. Glassman?
Murray: Gives
me heartburn.
Edna: I told
you, you should have made boiled. Rump roast, honey?
Murray:
Allergic.
Ian:
[into
microphone]
Ladies and gentlemen, if you look to your left, you’ll
notice we’re passing through Jackson. In 1983, I myself
personally witnessed a spaceship suck the milk out of an
entire herd of
cows...
Moooooo.
[they drive past a
sign: Rosewell, Illinois; Population
1280]
[Constellation Motel; man (Bob) is on the roof painting
the
sign]
Ian: Okay,
gang. We meet in the mission room for a briefing at
fifteen hundred hours. That’s three o’clock for those of
you not yet on space time.
Betty: Such a
nice boy.
Edna: I love
his dog.
Ray:
[derisively]
Space time, fellow travelers.
Ian: Yeah,
UFOs. Hundreds. Thousands. They all come here. This is
like the Woodstock of psychic fairs. This place is famous,
The Constellation. This is where Mick stays when The
Stones are travelling. And where Muhammad Ali and George
Foreman had their secret meeting before the fight. But,
you didn’t hear that from me, okay? And this, of course,
is where I met Audrey.
Ray: This is
where you and Audrey had coffee?
Ian: Hey,
that’s my fiancée you’re talking about, pal.
Ray: Oh,
forgive me.
Ian: God. It
was terrible. When the aliens ripped her out of my arms, I
fought like a wild man. But what are you gonna say to a
spaceman when he’s got a laser nerve disrupter pointed at
your head?
Ray: Beam me
up?
Ian: Hey
listen, pal, I’ve had about enough of you, all right? Why
don’t you just keep your sarcasm to yourself and your mind
on your job. We’re talking about the woman I love
here.
Ray:
Okay.
Ian: All
right. Now look, it’s a real disaster area in there so
just keep your cool. I wanted to preserve the integrity of
the crime scene. Come on.
[they enter the room...it’s spotless; Fraser & Vecchio
look at Ian
accusingly]
[4-wheel drive with tinted windows sits in view of the
motel]
Voice 1:
[on
radio]
We’ve found him. And he’s not alone.
Voice 2:
[on
radio]
Continue surveillance. Don’t let them out of your
sight.
[motel room; Fraser is inspecting the bedside
table]
Ian: Right
here. I’m telling you, there was blood everywhere – the
walls, the ceilings. Rivers of it.
Fraser: You
know, Ian, ordinarily I am inclined to believe you, but
even if this room had been scoured clean, there should be
a crack in the finish, and the particle board would have
soaked up traces of blood. This dresser has obviously been
replaced. [to Dief,
who is nosing in a chips
bag]
Excuse me. That could be evidence.
[Dief
groans]
Hopeless.
Ray:
[on
phone]
Yeah, get me a taxi...
Chicago...Chicago...
I know it’s 60 miles... I know it’s a long trip... Yes, I
have money....Tomorrow.
Fraser:
[inspecting the
door]
Kicked in?
Ian: Right off
its hinges. They must have used their anti-gravity
boots.
Ray: Yeah,
they took the yellow pages, too.
[walks out the door; Ian & Fraser
follow]
Fraser: The
dresser has been replaced, the door jam has been repaired
and painted.
Ray: I’m not
listening, because every time I listen, he says something
stupid and you back him up.
Ian: The
aliens took my stuff. Blaupunkt stereo, closet full of
Versace. Hey, you would think that these higher life forms
would have a more developed sense of ethics. Maybe they
were bad aliens.
Fraser:
[to Bob on the
roof]
Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. Could you perhaps tell me if
you saw anyone going into room 6 within the last...
Ian: Fifteen
and a half hours.
Fraser:
Fifteen and a half hours?
Bob:
Yep.
Fraser: Could
you possibly describe them to me?
Bob:
Yep.
Fraser: Do you
think you could describe them to me now?
Bob: Wait a
minute, wait a minute. Let me
guess. CIA,
right?
Fraser: No.
Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Constable Benton
Fraser.
Bob: Bob.
Where’s your horse?
Fraser: Well,
I don’t have one. I have a wolf, if that will help you
any.
Bob: You ride
him?
Fraser: No,
he’s deaf.
Bob: Two guys.
Pulled up in a Ford Explorer around 6am, I guess.
[climbs down the
ladder] I
was waiting for the primer to dry, and went to get a cup
of coffee, couldn’t have been gone, oh, 20 minutes. Came
back, those fellas were gone, nothing missing. Why make a
fuss?
Ray: Finally,
a reasonable explanation. Are you the owner?
Bob: No.
Ray: Are you
the caretaker?
Bob: No.
Ray: What do
you do?
Bob: I build
ships. When that baby’s finished she’ll be an exact
replica.
Fraser: An
exact replica of...?
Bob: The one
in my basement.
Fraser: Ah.
Thank you kindly.
[they walk
away]
Ray: I am so
glad we asked.
Ian: What are
you guys doing? That is a material witness. Put him in
protective custody!
[motel office]
Ian
: Okay, two aliens in a Ford Bronco. Simple explanation.
They’re exerting mind control over the Ford Motor Company
and using them to cover their tracks.
Ray:
[to
receptionist]
How do I get out of this town?
Receptionist
(Enid): Left at the corner.
Ray: Well, I
don’t have a car.
Enid: Then you
have a problem.
Ray: You have
no idea. Is there a car rental agency?
Enid: Apollo
13 rentals.
Ray: How about
a bus?
Enid: Last one
went through an hour ago.
Ray: Does the
space shuttle fly over anytime soon?
Enid: Ask
Bob.
Ray: I’d
rather gouge my eyes out with a dull spoon.
[Enid pulls out a plastic spoon...the 4-wheel drive cruises by]
Ray
: No, no, it’s just an expression. ‘Mind control over the
Ford Motor Company.’ What’s the matter with you?
Fraser: You
know, Ray, on the surface it does appear to be slightly
farfetched--
Ray: Look,
Fraser, we are talking to a man who lies with the skill
equaled only to used car salesmen and presidents.
Ian: Thank
you.
Fraser: Ray,
if you ignore the facts, you ignore the truth. Now the
fact is we have a witness who can corroborate that there
was strange activity in Ian’s room this morning.
Ray: Yeah, and
I betcha if we asked him who killed Kennedy and where
Jimmy Hoffa is, he’d probably tell us little green men in
his basement did it.
Ian: No, that
was the mob.
Ray: All right
now look, if you can get one truth to come out of his
mouth I’ll stay, but that’s the best I can do.
Fraser: Fair
enough.
Ray: All
right, now what about food. Can you manage that?
Enid: Try the
bar.
Fraser: Thank
you kindly.
Ray: Okay, you
guys got however long it takes for me to chomp down a
burger.
[they
leave]
Ian: You guys
are going to love this place. It’s four star. They have
the best pickled pork in the tri-state area.
[a wild-looking tough guy walks through, making a strange
noise]
Ray: Friend of
yours?
Ian:
Security.
Fraser:
Actually Ian, I believe that the tri-state area consists
of New Jersey, New York, and Connecticut.
Ian: Oh, well,
they come from there, and from everywhere else to eat
here.
Enid:
Ian?
Ian : Yeah?
Enid
: Your group is waiting.
Ian: Oh. Okay.
Can you hold them on the bus and just give ‘em some of
those maps to the aliens’ homes? Thanks a lot. Isn’t she
great?
Fraser:
Mm-hmm.
[bar. Music: ‘Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft’
by Klaatu.]
Ian: Well, this
is it. This is where Audrey and I had our engagement
party. It was quite the shindig, I tell you.
Fraser: Is
there anyone you recognize from last night?
Ian: You know,
it’s hard to say. All I could see was Audrey.
Fraser: Well,
there probably were other witnesses, Ian.
Ray: Yeah
well, maybe we should ask the Space Lady here, she might
know something. Excuse me, you got anything other than the
Skywatch burger?
Bartender
(Stella): You’re not from around here, are you?
Ray: Not
unless there are aliens who look like second generation
immigrants.
Ian: Hey, I
recognize you. You were behind the bar last night.
Stella: Yeah,
and the night before that, and the one before that.
[to
Fraser] I
haven’t seen you here before.
Fraser: No,
ma’am. I’m from the Northwest Territories. Now is it
possible that if my friend recognizes you from last night,
that you also might recognize him from last night?
Stella: Why
don’t you ask him?
Ray: Oh,
that’s a long story.
Stella: Yeah,
sure. He was here last night.
Ray:
What?!
Fraser: Well
the Space Lady was just saying--
Ray: I heard,
okay?
Stella: Yeah,
he sat right there, actually. You were here with Audrey
McKenna, right?
Ian: Yes,
Audrey! Audrey McKenna.
Stella: Yeah,
you had a beer, and she had two cosmopolitans. Audrey
never has more than one. It must have been a good night.
[winks at
Ian]
Ray: Wait. You
actually saw this man, with the woman that he said he was
with, and she was actually being nice to him?
Stella: He’s a
quick one.
Fraser: Well,
ordinarily yes. Can you tell us where we could find this
Audrey McKenna?
Stella: She’s
not a townie. Doesn’t talk much about herself or her work,
which probably means she works on the base.
Ian: She works
at the base? Audrey works at the base?
Ray: This fact
never came up? I’ve given you my lunch hour. I’ve come all
the way out here to Nutsville, USA, to check out your
cockamamie story and canvas suspected aliens, only to have
the Space Lady here tell me that Audrey McKenna may or may
not work at a base of which you know nothing about?
Ian: I knew
everything I needed to know about her, okay?
Ray: Like
what?
Ian: Like the
important stuff. Like who she was inside. I didn’t have to
ask her a bunch of stupid questions. I took one look at
her and I knew who she was. In here. I always have.
Stella: God
that’s beautiful.
Ian:
Thanks.
Ray: How long
did you know her?
Ian: I don’t
know. I came in here at about ten o’clock, and she came in
at about 10:30.
Ray: You met
her last night?!
Ian: It only
takes a moment... My mother used to say that.
Stella: I
thought it was Barbara Streisand.
Ian: Oh, you
know my mother? Hey, her next album’s going to be a
killer.
Ray: That’s
it. Come on, I’m going home.
Ian: No
please, I made a promise.
Ray: Yeah, and
she said yes, and then you gave her a ring, and her eyes
lit up like it was Christmas. And you all lived happily
ever after.
Ian: No, I
made a promise to my mother. She gave me that ring before
she died, and told me to give it to the one woman that I
truly love and care for. I told her that I’d give it to
the woman that I would be faithful to for the rest of my
life. Not like my father. Please, you gotta help me. I
have to find her.
Fraser: We
should go to the base with him.
Ray: The US
army base.
Fraser:
Yes.
Ray: Fraser,
the army does not like civilians snooping around their
backyard, okay? They tend to respond with heavy
ordnance.
Ian: No
problem. We’ll show them the pass I got from Desert
Storm.
Fraser: Excuse
me, could you direct us to the base?
Stella: Yeah,
make a left up the road. It’s about five miles.
Fraser: Thank
you. He made a promise, Ray. To his mother.
Ian
: They were the last words she heard.
Ray: Okay. I’ll
give you an extension.
Ian: ‘Til
when?
Ray: ‘Til I
change my mind.
Fraser: Fair
enough. Thank you
kindly.
[bus; Ian puts in a tape of spacey music]
Ian: 1984. 10pm
Tuesday. A little red blip appears in the radar screen at
the Illinois Weather Tracking Station. At first, the radar
technician thinks nothing of it, he thinks it’s an
aircraft. But when that little red blip breaks up into
four other blips and flies off in separate directions, he
knows something is amiss. Ladies and gentlemen I now ask
you to close your eyes and imagine yourselves back in that
radar station.
Ray: Why am I
already regretting this?
Fraser: I
can’t imagine.
Ray: We don’t
even know what she looks like.
[pulls a strip of
pictures from the visor and hands it to
Vecchio]
Ian
: Engagement photos.
Ray: These are
from a dollar photo booth!
Ian: Well, of
course they are. After what happened with her brother and
Princess Di, Audrey’s family didn’t want the pictures
falling into the hands of the
tabloids.
[on the road]
Ian : [into microphone] By the time NORAD receives the mysterious signal, hundreds of fighter pilots have been deployed. 10:15. Sam Norbert’s farm. Lights of red, green, and blue descend, and encircle his barn. Hundreds of telephone calls swarm the Evanston Police Department. Our men in blue spring into action. Squad cars are scattered all over the city, responding to reported sightings...Sightings of unidentified flying objects. Ladies and gentlemen, to your immediate right, I present to you the site of the first reported landing of an alien spaceship. Right there beyond the trees.
[Murray snaps a
photo]
Ray: How does
it feel to belong to the same gene pool?
Fraser: What
do you mean, Ray?
Ray: He’s
bilking ‘em.
Fraser: Well,
they seem happy enough.
Ray: Hey, when
does the real estate scam kick in?
Ian: These
people are from the Sunset Retirement Home, okay? Some of
these people haven’t been out of their bathrobes in seven
years. Right, Murray?
Murray: Eight.
Angina.
Norman:
[reading sign
through
binoculars]
“Warning. No trespassing beyond this point. Photography is
prohibited.”
[Murray snaps
another photo]
Edna: Oh my,
you are a risk-taker.
Betty: Oh, I
love a man who lives on the edge.
Edna: Shut
up!
Norman: There
it is! I can read the sign. “Restricted area. No entry.
Use of deadly force authorized.”
Betty: Oh,
this is so exciting!
[Ian stops bus at the gate]
Ray
: All right, let me handle this.
Ian:
[into
intercom]
Hellooo.
Lieutenant:
State your business.
Ian: Hi, how
are you today?
Lieutenant:
State your business.
Ian: Is that
Brad? Brad ‘The Bad’ Wilson? Hey hey, it’s me, Ian
McDonald. Second battalion, Fort Bragg. How’re you
doing?
Lieutenant:
This is not Brad Wilson, and if you do not clearly state
your business, we will enforce military law.
Ian: Oh. Well.
I’m here to pick up my fiancée, Audrey. Audrey
McKenna.
Lieutenant: We
do not have anyone by that name here, sir.
Ian: Well
that’s kind of weird. I mean she told me to meet her right
here at the front gate. Just tell her I’m here.
Lieutenant:
Sir, you will proceed no further and you will turn that
vehicle around immediately.
[Ian inches the van forward, touching the boom
gate]
Fraser: I don’t
think that’s probably what--
Ray: Ian, stop
the van!
[boom gate snaps, and Ian keeps
going]
Lieutenant:
[on red
phone]
Security breach at gate 2. A security breach at gate
2.
Ray: Ian, stop
the damn van!
Ian: I know
what I’m doing.
[Fraser shoves Ian aside & steps on the brakes
himself]
Ray: We got
company.
[several white 4-wheel drives arrive and dozens of armed
soldiers pour
out]
Voice:
[on
loudspeaker] All those inside the bus exit with your
hands above your heads. You are all under arrest.
[all exit, hands
high]
Ian: Okay,
boys, no need to panic. Hold your friendly fire.
Fraser: All
right, everyone stay calm. Just do what they say.
Ray:
[to
Ian] Yeah,
and you keep
talking
[aside to
Fraser]
With any luck, they’ll shoot him
Fraser: Good
afternoon, my name is Constable Benton Fraser. This is my
wolf, Diefenbaker. May I...?
[Fraser gestures; soldier nods; Fraser takes his Stetson from Dief’s mouth]
Fraser : And now introducing from the left--
[he walks to the other side of Vecchio, and soldiers point their guns aggressively]
Fraser
: Understood.
Lieutenant:
This is a maximum security military base. What part of
‘don’t move’ didn’t you understand?
Ian: Brad,
you’ve changed, man. We were Semper Fi. Compadres. We
swore we’d go down together.
Ray: Excuse
me, could you please shoot him?
Lieutenant
: Back in line!
Fraser: If I
may explain. This gentleman’s fiancée--
Ian: Audrey
McKenna.
Fraser: Yes.
She either is or once was an employee at this base, and we
were wondering if perhaps you could shed some light on her
rather sudden disappearance.
Norman: Yes.
Take us to your leader
Lieutenant:
[to
soldier]
Take these three. Leave two men with the others.
Jane: Have you
seen my son? He was a pilot, you know.
Soldier 1: No,
ma’am.
[colonel’s office]
Colonel:
Aliens?
[laughs]
Well, Mr. McDonald, if your fiancée has
indeed been captured by creatures from outer space, I’m
afraid I can provide you with little comfort. This base is
military, pure and simple, notwithstanding your, uh,
brochure.
[laughs]
Ian: Haha.
Well, you can laugh if you want, but that’s a very high
quality program. And what about Audrey? Does she work here
or not?
Colonel: Well,
she’s your fiancée. I would think you would know, hmm?
Lieutenant?
Lieutenant:
There is no Audrey McKenna on the personnel roster, sir.
I’ve checked the computer back 10 years.
Ray: What a
shock.
Colonel: Sorry
we can’t help you, Detective.
Ray: No
problem, Colonel. Sorry for the intrusion.
Fraser: Is it
possible that you might recognize this woman? Perhaps by a
different name.
[hands the strip of photos to Lieutenant, who hands them
to the
Colonel]
Colonel: Afraid
we still can’t help you. She’s very beautiful, though. You
two will make a very happy couple. I hope you find
her.
Ian: Oh
really? Then why don’t you just tell me where she is then,
huh?
Fraser: Thank
you, Colonel.
Ian: Can you
believe him?
Ray : Come on.
Ian
: No, wait a second. Don’t you people see a cover-up?! Oh,
you tell me aliens are just going to fall out of the
sky--
Fraser: Thank
you kindly.
Ian: --and the
US army is going to just let them snatch people away from
the ones they love?!
Ray: Come on.
Come on! You don’t want to get arrested.
Ian: No! Wait
a second...
[finally Ian is out the
door]
Lieutenant:
Continue surveillance, sir?
Colonel: Yes.
Keep an eye on them until they leave town.
[on
phone]
Give me the
lab.
[outside, tarmac]
Fraser: They
know her. Or at least they know who she is.
Ray: Junior
officer. I noticed that. His eyes, right? Just before he
talked about Audrey he looked away.
Fraser: He
didn’t even look at her picture.
Ray: And what
about the colonel? Colonel never blinked.
Fraser: Not
once.
Ray: Yeah. But
he’s in on it, too.
Fraser: I
think so, yes.
Ray: So how do
you know? Sweat.
Fraser:
No
Ray: Shallow
breathing.
Fraser:
N-O.
Ray: Dilated
pupils.
Fraser: Not
that I noticed.
Ray: So what,
then?
Fraser: His
tabletop.
Ray: Ah, his
tabletop.
Fraser: His
tabletop.
Ray: His
tabletop?
Fraser : His tabletop, Ray Audrey McKenna’s file was on his tabletop.
[Ian stops walking, noticing a woman getting into a white
4-wheel
drive]
Ray:
What?
Ian: That was
Audrey, in the red parka. I just saw her get into that
Bronco.
Ray: Oh, come
on.
Ian: Right.
what was I
thinking.
[Ian takes off running after the Bronco]
Soldier 2: The
kid with the rocket’s on the loose again!
[they chase, but Ian jumps into the back of a moving truck; a white 4-wheel drive pulls up]
Soldier 3 : Get in. [they do] The Colonel wants to see you.
[office corridor; Ian has been caught]
Ian: I demand
you take me to the colonel’s office. When my grandfather
Admiral Nimitz finds out about this... hoho, you people
are in some serious trouble. You do not want to mess with
the man who’s named after a battleship, I’ll tell you
right now.
[colonel’s office; red-parka-ed woman is
there]
Ian:
Audrey!
Woman
(Johnson): Get your hands off me!
Ian: But
you’re not... What have you done to Audrey?
Colonel:
Gentlemen, I thought we’d covered this ground. Do you know
this man?
Johnson: No,
sir.
Colonel: Have
you ever seen him before today?
Johnson: No,
sir.
Colonel: Your
friend here seems to think that Specialist Johnson is this
person Audrey. In fact he chased her halfway across the
base endangering himself and members of my command. Now if
you don’t mind, my assistant and I have reports to get
back to. And gentlemen, if I catch you or your friend here
on the base, no matter how good the reason, I’ll arrest
you, call your superior officers, and make sure that
traffic duty is all either of you ever see for a very,
very long time. Do I make myself plain?
Fraser: Very
plain, sir.
Ray: Come on,
Ian.
Ian: I saw
her. It’s true.
Colonel:
Gentlemen.
Fraser: Yes,
Colonel.
Ian: You guys
don’t believe anything.
[Ian, Fraser, and
Vecchio leave, and Audrey enters]
Colonel:
[to
Audrey]
You’ve put this project in jeopardy. I cannot allow
that.
[she nods &
exits]
[Sky watch]
Jane: Watch the
sky, Norman. Do you think that’s them?
Norman:
Where?
Jane: That
little twinkling light.
Edna: Is it
shaped like a flying saucer?
Betty: Oh
don’t be silly, Edna. Saucers were just made
up. No, it’ll
look like the shuttle. You know, a plane with rocket
boosters.
Jane: You
think so?
Betty: Oh,
yes.
Jane: Our son
flies planes.
Norman: Not
anymore, dear. He died in the war.
Jane: That’s
what they said. But I think he’s up there, with
them.
Edna: What do
you think Mr. Glassman?
Murray: I
think this chair is killing me.
[Betty and Edna
fuss over him]
Murray: No,
no, no-no, stay where you are!
[Ian sits with
Fraser and Vecchio, slightly away from the rest of the
group]
Ian
: It’s a star. I mean you think when people get to a
certain age they stop kidding themselves.
Ray: Look
who’s talking. Like the pot calling the kettle black. Your
story’s nothing but full of malarkey.
Ian: Hey, my
story is not malarkey.
Ray: Your
story’s full of malarkey. You know it, and I know it, and
he knows it.
Fraser:
Ray-Ray! Audrey McKenna’s file was on the desk in that
base, and yet no one seems willing to admit that she was
in any way connected to it. Don’t you find that even
vaguely curious?
Ray
: That woman was not kidnapped by aliens or by anybody
else. She is on that base, and she doesn’t want to be
found, especially by him.
Ian: You’re
wrong about that, my friend.
Ray: I am not
wrong, and I am not your friend, okay? This whole thing is
a figment of your imagination.
Ian: No, man.
No, she made a big mistake. And when she realizes it,
she’s going to come running back to me.
Ray: All
right, that’s it. That’s it. Time for a wake-up call,
pal.
Ian: You don’t
think she’s crying her eyes out right now?
Ray: Not
unless she’s cutting onions!
Ian: You’re
harsh man,. You are really harsh.
Fraser:
Ray...
Ray: Look,
sooner or later he’s gotta face the facts, all right? Now
look, kid, you’re not the first guy to be taken to the
cleaners.
Fraser: What
Ray is trying to say is--
Ray: What Ray
is trying to say is, a girl sees a guy in a bar, namely
you. She’s got maybe a half hour to kill. Now you’re not
the best-looking guy in the joint, but compared to the
locals you’re Brad Pitt. She bats her eyelashes, she gets
you into bed, and after your 15 minutes are up, she takes
your ring on the way out the door as a souvenir. It
happens. We’ve both been there. We all know the
drill.
[pause]
Ian: Yeah.
Yeah, I forgot about the drill.
[walks
away]
Fraser: Well
that-that-that really, really seems to have helped, Ray.
[goes after
Ian]
Ray: Yeah
great, great, go ahead, you two go. Leave me here to look
for aliens. No such thing.
Norman:
They’re going to miss the sky watch.
Edna:
[to
Dief] Such
a good eater.
Betty
: Do you like dogs?
Murray: Fur.
Gives me hives.
Jane: Son?
[drops her mug,
staring at the flashing
star]
[bus; Ian is stuffing equipment into the back]
Fraser: So
that’s it then.
Ian: He’s
right. I’m an idiot. I know a girl for five minutes and
all of a sudden I want to marry her, and then I give her
my mother’s ring, just like that.
Fraser: So
you’re packing it in, you’re going to leave?
Ian:
Thirty-five years she wore that ring, she did not take it
off her finger once until the day she died, and I gave it
away for nothing.
Fraser: How do
you know it was for nothing?
Ian: Because
she told me, okay?
Fraser: Oh she
did. When, in the bar?
Ian: She told
me.
Fraser: When,
while she was being abducted by aliens?
Ian: She told
me when--
Fraser: When,
Ian? When did she tell you?
[pause]
You see, she didn’t tell you anything.
Now I would imagine that you’re afraid to find out, but
your alternative is that you live the rest of your life
wondering. Now we will find Audrey. And when we do you can
ask her for yourself.
[Ian hugs
Fraser]
Fraser: Okay,
that’s good, that’s enough.
Ian: I wanna--
I have something for you. Just... Stay here. Don’t peek.
Close your eyes, close your eyes. Don’t peek.
Fraser: All
right. [shuts his
eyes and waits]
[Ian gets into the bus and drives off]
Fraser : No, no, Ian! That’s not what I meant!
[Vecchio watches them go]
Ray: Oh,
great.
[Fraser chases
after the bus and jumps on it; Ian smashes through the
chain-link gate; Vecchio gets up & starts running
after them. Music: ‘See the Light’ by Jeff
Healey.]
[Secure Area – lab]
Technician #1 : Okay, we’ve got something coming up here. This could be it.
[tarmac; Fraser clings to the roof of the bus, as a
helicopter follows
them]
Helicopter:
[loudspeaker]
Stop the truck. Pull over.
[Ian makes a sharp turn which nearly throws Fraser off; instead he climbs into the door]
Helicopter
:
[loudspeaker]
You are trespassing on government
property. Pull
over and stop. Stop the truck.
Fraser: Uh,
Ian?
Helicopter : [loudspeaker] Pull over. [it’s landing in Ian’s path]
Fraser : I think right now would be quite a good time to stop--
[Ian slams on the brakes and Fraser goes rolling, taking
the door with him; Ian leaps out of the truck and runs off
(Fraser right behind him), through a hangar, into a
corridor, where Ian collides with a technician]
Ian
: Whoa! Jerry! Imagine running into you here. Listen, I
can’t chat. Nice to see you.
[technician gets on red
phone]
Fraser: Excuse
me have you seen uh...
[technician
points]
Oh. Thank you.
[Secure Area –
lab]
Audrey: Let’s
hope it’s not another weather balloon.
Technician#1:
No, this looks like the real thing.
Audrey: We’ve
got contact. Let’s get ready, people.
Technician#2:
Seven miles and closing.
Audrey:
Tracking craft out to boundary
markers.
[colonel’s office corridor; Vecchio is with two
soldiers]
Soldier 1:
You’ll have to speak to the Colonel, sir.
Ray: He’s
five-ten, a hundred and sixty-five. All I ask is that you
let me shoot him first. Come on, guys, we don’t have to do
this.
Soldier 1:
You’ll have to speak to--
Ray: I know, I
know, the Colonel.
[Secure Area –
lab]
Technician#2:
Five and closing.
Audrey:
Where’s the Colonel?
Technician#1
: On his way.
Technician#2:
Four and closing.
Audrey: Secure
the doors
Technician#2:
Securing doors.
[Ian bursts into the secure area hangar/garage; sees
Audrey through the open door]
Ian: Audrey! I
want that ring back.
[runs toward
her]
Technician#1:
You know him?
Technician#2:
Tracking craft in position.
Ian: It was my
mother’s ring. I made a promise!
Technician#2:
Two and closing.
Ian: If you
don’t want it, I want it back!
[lab doors shut; a dozen armed soldiers arrive, training their guns on Ian & Fraser]
Ian
: Well, I asked her; I couldn’t get a straight
answer.
[holding cage]
Colonel:
Gentlemen. In aggregate, these charges normally carry
penalties of upwards of 30 years, providing we strike
Intent to Sedition from the list, a charge that typically
involves electricity in concentrations which I assure you,
you do not want to experience firsthand. Now you have been
spared the full weight of these penalties thanks to the
intercession of the city of Chicago and the Government of
Canada, both of whom have requested leniency claiming,
uh... [reads]
“diminished mental capacity.”
[all
nod] Now,
in the light of the manifest truth of these claims, we
have no choice but to process and release you.
Fraser: Thank
you, Colonel.
Colonel:
You’re welcome. And now, Mr. McDonald, on a more private
note.
[motions, and Ian stands beside him]
Colonel : [into Ian’s ear] If I so much as catch sight of you within five miles of a United States military installation, I will personally shoot you right between the eyes with the largest caliber weapon we’re currently developing in our research labs. Is that understood?
[Ian nods; Colonel
exits]
Ian: Boy, oh
boy. When Billy Carter appointed my uncle to the head of
the Joint Chiefs of Staff, that is exactly the kind of
threatening behavior he was trying to root out.
Fraser:
Ian.
Ian: God that
makes me mad!
Fraser:
Ian.
[indicates behind
Ian]
[Ian
turns]
Ian:
Audrey!
Audrey:
Ian.
Ian: It’s
you.
Audrey:
Yeah.
Ian: Why did
you--
Audrey: I had
to go to work.
Ian: In the
middle of a marriage proposal?
Audrey: Ian,
something very important happened here tonight, something
I’ve been working on for a long time.
Ian:
What?
Audrey: It’s
not the kind of thing I’m allowed to talk about.
Ian: You mean
th-- Oh, you mean they came. They actually came.
Audrey: Well,
funny thing about the truth, isn’t it. I mean, you can
look at a cloud from one angle and see a camel. But you
can look at the same cloud from a different angle and you
see a barbecue. But no matter how you look at it, it’s
still a cloud.
Ian: Until it
rains, and then...
Audrey: It’s
gone.
Ian: Yeah, I
think I understand that. So that’s the way it’s going to
be then, huh? Me and the kids, waiting, dinner on the
table, cold, family always the last priority. None of us,
none of us ever knowing when you’re going to tell the
truth. Is that’s the way it’s gonna be?
Audrey: Do you
want your ring back?
Ian: No. I
kept my promise. You keep that.
Audrey: You
know, when we met--
Ian: It was
like magic. Like summer lightning, you took one look at me
and you knew right away that I was the man that you were
going to spend the rest of your life with.
Audrey: No. I
thought you were cute. You see, for me it takes more than
42 minutes. Maybe if we had 43? I’m going to be at the
Constellation later. If somebody, say some guy wanted to
buy me a cosmopolitan I probably wouldn’t say no.
Ian: I’ll be
there.
Audrey: Then
I’ll probably see you.
[exits]
[Ian silently mouths
YES! & shakes Fraser’s & Vecchio’s
hands]
Soldier:
[to
soldier]
Colonel’s orders.
[the trio is released, and they walk
out]
Ian: Thanks for
all your help, guys. Hey, you guys gotta lend me some
money.
Ray: What’s in
it for me?
Ian: I don’t
know, you can have the bus.
Ray: What bus?
It’s been confiscated.
Ian: So we’ll
steal it back.
Fraser:
Ian! Perhaps
we could recover it, Ray.
Ray: Well, I
ain’t driving back in that bus.
Ian : Oh, Fraser’ll drive.
Ray
: I’d rather hitchhike.
Fraser: And
risk arrest?
Ian
: You’ve already been arrested.
Ray: Shut
up!
Fraser:
Ray!
Ray: And you.
The next time you ask me a hypothetical question?
Fraser:
Yes.
Ray: The
answer’s no.
Fraser: That
makes no sense, Ray.
Hypothetically.
[Sky watch; bright white light shines on the watchers; the
white light closes, and a dim red light shines &
disappears, as watchers crane their necks
upward]
Jane: Goodbye,
son.
End