[street]
Ray: All right,
what have we got
here?
[looks through
paper
sack] A,
uh, a tuna on white for Welsh, a turkey on wheat for Huey,
and Elaine wanted the, uh, pastrami on sourdough.
Fraser:
Rye.
Ray:
What?
Fraser: Elaine
wanted rye bread.
Ray: Ah, what’s
the difference?
Fraser: Well,
Ray, actually the difference is considerable. For one
thing -- oof!
[shrouded women walk
into his path]
I’m terribly
sorry. Sorry. You see, Ray, sourdough
requires...
[jewelry shop; the 3 shrouded women
arrive]
Clifford: Mark.
Bring up number 38. Good afternoon, ladies.
Woman (Sheila): Good afternoon.
Clifford
: Is there, uh, something in particular I can help you
with?
Sheila: What do
you have that is ridiculously expensive?
Clifford: They
say a diamonds are a girl’s best friend, so I’ll be happy
to show you some of the best diamonds in the city.
Sheila: I could
use a few new friends, actually.
Clifford: Well
then, make friends with
these.
[street]
Fraser: ...in
order to make the culture roughly four-- Hang on a second.
That woman looked right at me.
Ray: So?
Fraser: Well,
Ray, for a Muslim woman to make direct eye contact with a
strange man, it violates deep cultural
traditions.
[jewelry
shop]
Sheila: They’re
beautiful. I’ll take them.
Clifford: Which
piece would you like?
Sheila: All of
‘em. [pulls out
gun] Now
put them in the bag.
Pregnant Woman (Rhonda): [pointing gun] Everybody down on the floor!
Sheila
: Quickly!
Rhonda: Nobody
move!
[Sheila smashes a display case]
[street]
Ray: Fraser, I
don’t think that’s a violation under the Illinois Criminal
Code.
[alarm
sounds]
Fraser: That
is.
[jewelry
shop]
Woman
(Darlene): [to
customers]
You! Over there.
Sheila
: [to
Clifford]
Hurry! Get out from behind the counter! Now,
quickly!
Ray:
[bursting
in]
Police, drop your weapons!
Sheila: You
drop yours!
Ray: That’s not
how this works.
Sheila: We’re
walking out of here, and you try to stop us, I’ll blow his
head off! Drop your gun.
Rhonda & Sheila : Drop it!
Sheila : Drop it!
[Fraser drops the sandwich bag, and Vecchio slowly places
his gun
down]
Ray: Nobody
gets hurt.
Sheila: Stay
back from the door. Back. Stay back.
[into the
elevator]
Clifford: Hey
listen. What are you people, terrorists? Listen, I’m not a
politician. I don’t even follow politics.
Sheila: Shut
up! Quickly.
[Vecchio grabs his gun & they give chase, but they’ve
been locked in]
Ray: Anybody
got a key?
[manager does]
[Music: ‘Charming’ by She Stole My Beer.]
[street; women stuff Clifford into the back of a minivan & pull away... Fraser leaps onto the back, and Vecchio chases them on foot]
Ray
: Fraser!
[Fraser hangs on
tightly as the van makes hard turns; as he tries to make
out the license plate, the van screeches to a halt &
turns, and Fraser falls off & rolls... Vecchio
arrives]
Ray: You okay?
Fraser, you okay?
Fraser: Yeah,
I’m fine.
[Vecchio pulls him
up]
Ray: You’re
sure you’re okay?
Fraser: Who the
hell are you?
Ray: Stop
kidding around. You know damn well who I am.
[Fraser looks down at himself,
confused]
Fraser: Who the
hell am I?
Ray: Oh,
dear.
[Memorial Hospital;
corridor]
Doctor: It’s a
good thing your friend’s got a hard head.
Ray: Oh, I’m
glad someone else finally noticed.
Doctor: There
doesn’t seem to be any concussion, but the trauma of the
impact seems to have induced a total loss of recall.
Ray: We’ve got
a hostage whose life depends on what Fraser saw. Is there
anything we can do?
Doctor: Well,
exposing him to familiar things might jog his memory.
Friends. Places. Things you’ve done
together.
[exam room; a nurse checks Fraser’s eyes, then leaves as
Vecchio
enters]
Ray: Hey
Fraser, how you feeling?
Fraser:
Who?
Ray: You.
Fraser, that’s your name.
Fraser:
F-R-A-S-I-E-R?
Ray: No,
F-R-A-S-E-R.
Fraser: Ah. And
you would be?
Ray: Ray.
Fraser:
R-A-Y?
Ray: That’s
correct. Detective Ray Vecchio of the Chicago PD.
Fraser: Am I
under arrest?
Ray: No, you’re
not under arrest. You’re a cop, too. Your name is Benton
Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Fraser: Oh, so
we’re in Canada.
Ray: No, we’re
in Chicago. We’re after some diamond thieves. You got
their plate number?
Fraser:
Ah.
Ray: All right,
uh. Maybe we should start at the
beginning.
[flashback: ‘Pilot’]
Ray
:
[voice]
Your father was a Mountie, a
legend.
Robert
Fraser:
You’re going to shoot a Mountie? They’ll hunt you to the
ends of the earth. *BANG*
Ray:
[voice]
Somebody shot him and you came to
Chicago on the trail of some dentists. And that’s where we
met.
Desk
Sergeant:
Look here. It’s Nanook of the North.
Fraser:
Constable Fraser. Royal Canadian Mounted Police. [shows
ID]
Desk Sergeant:
No kidding. You got a dog?
Fraser: He’s in
quarantine. I’m looking for an officer assigned to this
case number. [shows paper]
Desk Sergeant:
Oh yeah. You’re gonna like this fellow.
Fraser
:
His name?
Desk Sergeant:
You can’t miss him. Just look for Armani.
[holding cell]
Ray Vecchio:
Can you read that? Does the label not say Armani? Of
course it’s original merchandise. A friend of mine just
sorta found a truckload sitting on the side of the
road.
Inmate: Isn’t
this kind of a strange place to do business?
Ray: Hey, at
least in here you know who you’re dealing with,
right?
Fraser: Excuse
me. I’m looking for a Detective...Armani?
[the other occupants of the cell close in]
Ray
:
Come on. You mean
me?
Guard!
[bullpen]
Ray: Okay, who
let the Mountie into the holding cell? [all raise their
hands]
Fraser: I’m
sorry. I believe it was an unfortunate confusion with an
unfamiliar idiomatic trade name.
Ray: What the
confusion was, was down here we don’t bust in on some guy
when he’s about to take down the biggest operator in the
garment district for buying stolen merchandise!
Fraser: Oh, so
you were attempting to sell him a truckload of
illegally-obtained men’s clothing?
Ray: That’s
right.
Fraser: Isn’t
that entrapment?
Ray: What do
you want from me?
Fraser: I was
told that you were in charge of this case. [hands him a
paper]
Ray: Ah yes.
The dead Mountie thing, like I couldn’t have guessed.
Look. I got your list of names in my basket here. The
moment I get a chance I’m going to go to the computer,
pick up the phone, and call you with the information so
you can go get your boy scout points. Now, is there
anything else?
Fraser: Yes.
The dead Mountie was my father. And I would appreciate it
if you would check the names while there’s still a chance
of catching the man who killed him. Oh, and by the way,
he’s not in the garment business.
Ray:
What?
Fraser: Your
man, in the cell. He had a hole in his shoe. Now I’m not
familiar with your city but I would assume that a big
garment buyer wouldn’t be caught dead with a hole in his
shoe. So, like you, he is pretending to be someone he’s
not.
[Memorial Hospital, exam
room]
Fraser: And
then we, um...
Ray:
Bonded.
Fraser: Bonded.
We bonded?
Fraser: Yeah,
you could say
that.
[flashback: ‘Pilot’]
Ray
:
Hey, what’s up? It’s you! I didn’t recognize you standing
there like that. Okay, I acted like a jerk. I didn’t
realize it was your father. I should have checked into it
earlier. I’m sorry. Anyway, you know, you were right about
the goomba in the cell. Now, I dig around and I find out
that this guy is internal affairs trying to nail my butt
for illegal entrapment. Can you believe that? This guy’s
trying to entrap me into entrapping him! Cops. [sigh] In
any case, I figured I owed you one, so here it is. Thanks.
[holds out hand to shake, Fraser doesn’t move] You’re
kidding, right? This is your job? This is, like, your real
job? Do you believe it? [to
passersby]
This is his job. They actually pay people to do this in
Canada! [cuffs him on the
shoulder]
Sorry. Oh. [smiles widely for a tourist’s
photo]
[Memorial Hospital, exam
room]
Ray: Now are
you sure you don’t remember anything?
Fraser:
No.
Ray: You don’t
remember one thing. Anything that happened, anything that
you saw just before the accident?
Fraser: What
accident?
Ray: There was
a jewelry heist. A man was taken hostage by three women.
They threw him into a van. The van sped away, you jumped
onto the van, and as you were leaning back to get the
license you...
Fraser: Hang
on, hang on.
[laughing]
I jumped onto a moving van?
Ray: Yeah, it’s
something you do all the
time.
[flashback: ‘Pilot’]
[Fraser gives chase, and ends up hanging off the back of the van, then climbs to the roof, using his buck-knife to crawl toward the windshield...Fraser smashes the windshield of the van, and Drake crashes into a wall, sending Fraser rolling into a stand]
[Memorial Hospital, exam
room]
Fraser: What am
I, stupid?
Ray: No, you’re
a hero.
Fraser:
Ah.
[flashback: ‘Pizza & Promises’]
Lenny
:
My car! They got my car!
Ray
:
[voice]
And since we’ve met, you’ve ridden just
about anything that moves.
Fraser:
Please stop immediately! This is not your
automobile!
[the car turns a corner & Fraser is tossed off the
top]
[flashback: ‘Chicago
Holiday’]
[Fraser leaps from
the roof of his taxi onto the roof of Christina’s taxi and
hangs his head over]
Fraser: Would
you consider discussing this over coffee?
Cabbie: This
man is seriously crazy!
Fraser: Ohhhh
dear.
[Cab stops suddenly; Fraser rolls off, taking the taxi sign with him, and stands up, as though he meant to do that]
[flashback: ‘Chicago Holiday’]
Fraser : Sorry.
[leaps over the edge... he careens headlong down an escalator on a toboggan – right toward the security guard, who jumps up to avoid him, and Fraser goes crashing into a display]
[flashback: ‘A Cop, a Mountie, and a Baby’]
[Fraser slides down a cable hanging onto his belt]
[flashback: ‘Free Willie’]
[Fraser shimmies down a drainpipe that starts to come away from the wall...]
Fraser : Oh.
[Memorial Hospital,
exam room]
Fraser: You
think maybe you got me mixed up with someone else
maybe?
Ray: All right,
look, Fraser, we gotta get you back to normal. Here, put
this on. [hands him
the red serge tunic]
Fraser: Whoa,
that’s bright.
Ray: Yeah, but
you look good in it.
Fraser: This is
really
bright.
[mansion]
Clifford:
[panicked
pleading]
Don’t shoot me, just let me go! I won’t tell anyone! I
promise! Take the jewels! Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Come on. I don’t know what the hell is going on
here. Please, please maybe we can work something
out.
Sheila: Be
still.
Clifford: I
don’t want a blindfold. I don’t want a blindfold.
Sheila : Be still!
Clifford
: Hey wait a minute. That ring.
[grabs her
hand] That
ring. I recognize that ring. That ring belongs to my wife!
[pulls down her
shroud]
Sheila? Karen? Rhonda? Darlene.
Sheila: Hello,
Clifford.
Clifford: I’m a
dead man.
[Memorial Hospital;
as Fraser & Vecchio leave, Fraser unthinkingly slams
the door into an elderly woman]
Ray
: Fraser?!
Fraser:
What?
Ray: You didn’t
hold the door open for this woman!
Fraser:
So?
Ray: You always
hold the door for
women.
[flashback: ‘Pilot’]
Fraser : It only takes an extra second to be courteous. After you ma’am. After you sir.
[allows several people onto elevator ahead of them]
Ray
:
Are we gonna get on or what?
[Memorial
Hospital]
Ray: Just like
you help old ladies across the street and you let people
in front of you in line.
[flashback: ‘Chicago Holiday’]
Fraser : After you, ma’am. After you.
[letting everyone get into the paddy wagon ahead of him]
Fraser
:
After you, ma’am. After you, sir. After you.
Ray: Will you
get in the truck?! Just get in there, okay?
Fraser: I’m
sorry, Ray. After you. Hello, everyone. How are
you?
[Memorial
Hospital]
Ray: It’s what
you do.
Fraser:
Why?
Ray: Because
you’re
polite.
[flashback: ‘Diefenbaker’s Day Off’]
Nurse
:
Just a moment.
Fraser: Pardon
me, is there a payphone?
Nurse: Down
there.
Fraser: Thank
you kindly.
Sorry.
[flashback montage]
Fraser : Thank you very much, Elaine. [They Eat Horses]
Fraser
:
Thank you kindly. [Chicago Holiday]
Fraser: Well,
thank you kindly, ma’am. [Chicago Holiday]
Fraser: Thank
you kindly, Elaine. [Chinatown]
Fraser: Ah.
Thank you kindly.
Fraser: Thank
you kindly, Leftenant. [You Must Remember This]
Fraser: Thank
you kindly, Elaine.
[Mask]
Fraser : Excuse me. May I have your attention please? [record scratches, music & conversations stop] Thank you. Anyone carrying illegal weapons, if you would place them on the bar. You are under arrest.
[patrons all pull guns; knife is thrown, embedding in the door frame near his head]
Fraser : You realize I’m going to have to confiscate that?
[Pilot]
[Memorial
Hospital]
Fraser:
[laughs]
C’mon, Mac, no one’s that polite.
[laughs]
Ray: You are!
[mutters] And
my name’s not Mac. It’s
Ray.
[Riv]
Ray: Did you
get anything on that plate? One letter even?
Fraser: Nope.
Nothing.
Ray: Do you
remember this car?
Fraser: Can’t
say as I do. No.
Ray: A beauty like this is one in a
million.
[flashback: ‘The Man Who Knew Too Little’]
Ray
:
This is a 1971 mint condition Buick Riviera.
Fraser: You
know, Ray, you really don’t have to do this. I’m sure I
can find someone who will lend me a car.
Ray: How many
people have we asked?
Fraser: Well,
uh, basically everyone I know. It does seem rather curious
that they’ve all decided to leave town at exactly the same
time.
Ian: Are you
aware that the gas tank in this particular make of car
explodes on impact?
Ray: You wanna
ride in the trunk?
Fraser: Ray,
you know, I appreciate this offer, I really do, but you
have some kind of special bond with this vehicle. I’m not
saying I understand it, but I do respect it.
Ray: Shut up
before I change my mind.
[Riv]
Ray: It’s
irreplaceable. And thanks to you it got blown up.
[flashback: ‘The Man Who Knew Too
Little’]
Fraser:
Right now would be quite a good time.
[Vecchio finally shoots...the Riv explodes, sending the
bad guys flying though the air]
[Riv]
Ray:
Twice
Elaine:
[voice]
Ray? It’s Elaine. I’ve got bad news.
Nothing on the van.
Ray: I was
afraid of that.
Elaine:
[voice]
I thought you’d want to know, Welsh’s
temperature is rising by the minute. How you doing with
Benton?
Ray: Great.
Making a lot of progress.
Fraser: Can I
ask you something?
Ray:
Yeah.
Fraser: What
the hell kind of name is *Benton* anyway?
Ray
: Ah, this is going to be a lot harder than I
thought.
[27th precinct; Elaine carries a see-through
anatomy
model]
Elaine: Ray, no
news on the van. Hi, Benton.
Ray: New
boyfriend, Elaine?
Elaine: No,
it’s for Lieutenant Welsh.
[hands the model to
Welsh]
Welsh: Vecchio.
How you doing on that jewelry heist?
Ray: Fraser got
a good look at the license plate, sir.
Welsh: Great.
What are you waiting for? Run it.
Ray: Ah,
there’s a problem. He fell off of the van and lost his
memory.
Welsh: You’ve
forgotten it?
Fraser:
Complete blank.
Ray: Benny, why
don’t you take a look around and see if anything looks
familiar.
[Fraser spins in a circle, looking
around]
Fraser:
No.
Welsh: Is this
legit?
Fraser: Ah, yes
it is, sir.
Welsh: Excuse
us for a
second.
Vecchio, we got a hostage out there.
Ray: I know,
sir, but if he gets his memory back, we can close this
case.
Welsh: Why
don’t we leave medicine to the doctors, okay? Let’s just
do some solid police work. Haven’t got time to play This
Is Your Life.
Ray: Yes,
sir.
[Welsh passes by Fraser, who grabs his hand and shakes it
vigorously]
Fraser: What
did he say?
Ray: That he’s
happy I’m helping you get your memory back.
Fraser:
Hmm.
[mansion]
Huey: Ma’am, I
assure you, we’ll do everything in our power to get your
husband back.
Sheila: Oh,
Clifford! Oh...
Huey: I’m
sorry, ma’am. We’ll keep you informed.
[Huey exits; Sheila shuts the door with a sob, turns... the sobs turn into laughter]
[exercise room; Clifford is tied to a chair getting his
legs
waxed]
Clifford: OW!
God, give me some warning, will ya?
Sheila: Okay.
Do it slower this time.
[Rhonda pulls off the paper very
slowly]
Clifford:
Ow-ow! Never mind, never mind, that’s worse.
Rhonda
: Hey. Cliffie. We all did it for you. Plucking, waxing,
preening.
Sheila: Didn’t
anyone ever tell you that it was wrong to cheat on your
wife?
[plucks his nose
hair]
Clifford:
OH!
Rhonda: And
that cheating on her with three women who workout at the
same club is just stupid.
Karen: You lied
to us Cliffie.
Darlene: You
made fools of us.
[Sheila plucks another nose
hair]
Clifford: OW!
Look, what do you guys want?
Sheila: What I
want is to kill you.
[plucks an eyebrow
hair]
Clifford:
Oh!
[27th precinct; Rhonda (from MWKTL) saunters
down the stairs, past Fraser &
Vecchio]
Rhonda: Hello
there. We meet again.
Fraser:
Hi.
Ray: What’s
the matter?
Fraser: Well,
I mean, that-that woman just, you know, ppphffftt...
Ray: Oh, that
happens all the time.
Fraser:
Really?
Ray: Oh
yeah.
[flashback: ‘Free Willie’]
Fraser : Thanks, Elaine.
Elaine : Want me to call you at home?
Ray : My case, Elaine, me, Detective Vecchio, police officer. You talk directly to me, okay?
Elaine : But I should probably have the number just in case.
Fraser : Oh, uh, [clears throat] I’m afraid I don’t have--
Ray : He uses smoke signals. We’ll call in. Willie? Come on, mush.
[flashback: ‘A Cop, a Mountie, and a Baby’]
Waitress
: I
mean, call me old-fashioned, but I think there’s nothing
as attractive as a man with baby formula on his
sleeve.
Ray: Oh
please!
[Fraser is bottle-feeding the baby, & every woman in
the shop is surrounding him]
Fraser: Oh
could you, uh, would you mind...
[both waitresses go for a towel, #2 gets it, wipes off sleeve]
[flashback: ‘Pizza &
Promises’]
Female
customer:
Excuse me, I’d like to take a test drive.
Tex: Yes,
ma’am. Right this way.
Female
customer: Uh, no -- with him.
Fraser: Oh,
certainly. Uh, which car?
Female
customer: All of them.
[flashback: ‘Chicago
Holiday’]
[‘twin’ girls block
Fraser’s path]
Fraser:
Would you uh... [hands them drinks]
Twins:
Anytime.
[flashback: ‘Invitation to Romance’]
Woman: May I
help you?
Fraser : Yes, I’m looking for a woman. [all eyes turn to him] A particular woman. Her name is Miss Burns. Would you happen to know if she’s here?
Woman : I haven’t any idea. I don’t work here.
Fraser
:
Then how could you possibly help
me?
[flashback: ‘The Man Who Knew Too
Little’]
[Corvette stops for
hitching Vecchio]
Rhonda: Need
a lift?
Ray: Oh yes,
thank you!
Rhonda: Not
you. [to
Fraser] Which
way you going?
Fraser: Oh
well, we’re traveling together, ma’am.
Rhonda: Ditch
him.
Ray: I’ll go
without him.
Rhonda: Not
likely. Too bad. If you ever get to Miami, just ask for
Rhonda.
[she winks and drives off]
[27th
precinct]
Ray: As a
matter of fact, even my own sister has eyes for
you.
[flashback: ‘They Eat Horses, Don’t They?’]
Francesca : Oh. Sorry. I didn’t know you were in here!
Maria : Didn’t know! She’s been standing in the doorway timing it so you’d be undressed.
Francesca : You are such a liar!
Ray
: I
am naked in here! Does that mean anything to
anybody?
Maria: Shut
up!
Francesca
:
Oh, who cares! [to Fraser] Here, you can use my
towels.
Fraser: Well
thank you, but I’m afraid I’m not having a shower.
Francesca: Oh,
don’t be silly it’s really no trouble. [to Vecchio] And
don’t use all the hot water! [to Fraser] I’ll wait for
mine.
Maria: Yeah, by
the keyhole.
Francesca: You
know I’ve really had enough of your mouth!
[flashback: ‘Pizza &
Promises’]
Francesca:
Can you read me?
Fraser: Loud
and clear. Oh, um, once again, I’m terribly sorry about
the confusion.
I-I thought that you understood my intention.
Francesca:
Don’t worry, really. I’ve forgotten all about it. [to
woman] Let me ask you
something. If
a guy asks if you’re busy tonight, he’s asking you out,
right?
Woman: Yeah,
I’d think so.
Francesca:
Yeah, so would I. You seen a salesman?
[27th
precinct]
Ray: And when
my sister wants something, she makes no bones about
it.
[flashback: ‘The Deal’]
[Fraser’s apartment door opens... Frannie steps in &
drops her coat -- she is wearing only a leather
corset...]
Francesca:
Don’t be
afraid.
[flashback: ‘Heaven &
Earth’]
Ray: You
slept with my sister?
Fraser: Did
she say that?
Ray: No, she
did not say that. She is my sister. I do not discuss sex
with my sister.
Fraser: So,
she didn’t say...?
Ray: No.
Fraser: Oh
well. Very well. Forget that I mentioned it. [runs]
Ray: Hey,
Fraser!
[Riv]
Fraser Really?
With your sister. And you were okay with this?
Ray:
Sure.
Fraser
: Pfft!
[flashback: ‘Heaven & Earth’]
Ray
:
Did you sleep with him?
Francesca: Oh
god...Why? Why? Would it matter to you if I did?
Ray: Yes, it
would. You’re my sister...I care about you.
[they hug; Frannie hits him in the arm & leaves]
[Riv]
Ray
:
Stupid, right? I mean, if I want anybody to sleep with my
sister, and I’m not encouraging this, I’d want it to be
you.
Fraser: That’s
very generous of you, Ray.
[Riv]
Fraser: Hey.
What if I don’t get my memory back?
Ray: You’ll get
your memory back.
Fraser: What if
I don’t?
Ray: Look,
you’ll get your memory back, all right? Just trust me on
this.
Fraser: Do I
trust people?
Ray:
Implicitly.
Fraser:
Good.
[Fraser’s
apartment]
Ray: Okay, here
we are. Home sweet home. Ring any bells?
Fraser: Not any
big ones. I live like this? Am I being
punished?
[flashback: ‘Free Willie’]
Dennis : Yo. I found the key.
Fraser : I’ll be right up, sir. [aside] Ray. Ray. Ray.
Ray : What?
Fraser : Is my lanyard straight?
Ray : [loudly] He’s a slumlord!
Dennis : Up here on the terrace level is where you get your great view. Of course it costs a little extra, but it’s worth every penny.
Ray : Is there a terrace?
Dennis : No.
Fraser : Would you like to see my references now?
Dennis : References?
Ray : It’s like a rap sheet.
Dennis : No, that’s okay. This is the place. The furniture, appliances, and all of this great stuff is included. [light bulb bursts] Utilities are extra. On a good date, you can see Canada just across the lake.
Fraser : Canada’s 480 miles due north.
Dennis : You have to really squint.
[Fraser’s apartment; Dief jumps through the open window and Fraser backs up against the door, terrified]
Ray
: It’s okay. It’s Diefenbaker, your wolf.
Fraser: I own a
wolf?
[Dief
barks]
[flashback: ‘Pizza & Promises’]
Lenny
:
Hey! Hey! That’s my car!
Fraser: Ray!
Stop Diefenbaker! Stop him!
Ray: Hey! Stop!
Halt!
Fraser: Stop
him!
Ray: Unmush!
Unmush!
Fraser:
Where’s your car?
Ray
:
Lot B. You ought to get that dog a hearing aid.
Fraser: It’s my
mistake. I never should have sent him.
Ray: He’ll come
back.
Fraser: No, he
won’t. He
won’t stop until he catches it.
Ray: And if
they don’t stop?
Fraser: He’ll
die trying.
[flashback: ‘Diefenbaker’s Day Off’]
[Dief jumps through the open doors and over the guy’s lap,
and out the other
side]
[flashback: ‘Bird In The Hand’]
[Gerard rears back to hit Fraser with a board, but Dief attacks]
[flashback: ‘The Wild Bunch’]
[Dief growls, runs, jumps, and knocks over two men buying dogs for lab use]
[Fraser’s
apartment]
Fraser: Am I
allowed to have a wolf in Chicago?
Ray: Not
normally, but I got you a permit. And you’d think he’d
show a little
appreciation.
[flashback: ‘Chinatown’]
Fraser
:
Well, are you coming? [Dief goes the other way] You know,
you-you let a wolf save your life, they make you pay and
pay and pay...
Ray: [smugly]
That’s why I don’t own a wolf.
[Fraser’s apartment;
Dief licks Fraser’s hands]
Fraser: He’s
very friendly.
Ray: Yeah, he’s
your best friend, as long as you’re carrying something
covered in
chocolate.
[flashback: ‘They Eat Horses, Don’t They?’]
[street; Vecchio is eating a Hostess chocolate cupcake and
walking Dief on a
leash]
Ray: [to
Dief] Don’t even think about it, okay? Don’t even think
about it, all right? Just do what you gotta do so I can
get outta here, okay? You know why you can’t go, don’t
you? It’s all that sugar. Remember that the next time you
try to eat something of mine. This is what happens to bad
wolves...Come on! Think results here, go, will
ya?
[Riv]
Fraser:
Would you mind dropping by my place and checking on Dief?
He’s been in the apartment all day.
Ray: Oh great.
I can’t wait to see what I’ll find.
Fraser: Thanks,
Ray.
[Fraser’s apartment; Fraser picks up a small red book]
Ray
: That’s your dad’s diary.
Fraser: My
father. Wait a minute. Something’s coming back. I remember
we were in a
car.
[flashback: ‘Gift of the Wheelman’]
Ray
:
What are you reading?
Fraser: My
father’s journals. I’m just going over old cases to see if
there’s anything similar.
Ray: Is
there?
Fraser: Not
that I’ve found.
Ray: I’m gonna
go to the gas station. I’ll be right back.
Robert Fraser:
That Sam’s case was nothing like this.
Fraser: No, I
know, but what I can’t seem to find is--
Robert Fraser:
Hello, son.
Fraser: Hello,
Dad. How are you?
Robert Fraser:
I’m dead, son. Other than that, do you mean?
Fraser: No,
that’s what I was asking.
Robert Fraser:
Oh, that’s good. Never be ashamed to ask a stupid
question, son. I taught you that, didn’t I?
Fraser: Not
specifically, no.
Robert Fraser:
Well, no time like the present. So fill me in on the
case!
Fraser: Well.
In a nutshell: there was a bank robbery today. Now we’ve
identified the
perpetrators.
But the wheelman, that’s ‘the driver’ in Chicago parlance,
doublecrossed his partners. Now what we can’t seem to
figure -- is there any insanity in our family?
Robert Fraser:
No. Not that I’m aware of.
Fraser:
Good.
Robert Fraser:
Well, there was your Uncle Tiberius, who died wrapped in
cabbage leaves; but we assumed that was a freak accident.
Go on, go on!
[Fraser’s apartment]
Fraser
: He was in the backseat. We were on a stakeout.
What?
Ray: Uh, it’s
just that I never met your dad. He’s been dead going on
two years.
[flashback: ‘Gift of the Wheelman’]
Ray
:
Anything happen?
Fraser: In what
sense?
[Fraser’s apartment]
Fraser
: Oh.
Ray: Come on.
You need a change of
scenery.
[mansion]
Clifford:
Rhonda! Rhonda, Rhonda, let me talk to you for a second.
Please. Rhonda. Please, please, please.
Rhonda:
What?
Clifford:
Listen, I’m sorry. Listen, just for a second, okay? Look,
I know I don’t deserve this, but please just listen to me
for one second, okay?
Rhonda : Yeah.
Clifford
: Look, I’m sorry okay? I know I’ve been a real jerk. I
apologize. I love you. You know what I did today? I bought
the tickets.
Rhonda: What
tickets?
Clifford: To
Nassau. One way tickets to Nassau, Rhonda. For that whole
new life we always kept talking about,
remember? I
got ‘em sitting there in the safe in the office. I was
gonna call you today and tell you to pack. I mean this is
ridiculous.
Rhonda: Don’t
do this, Cliff.
Clifford:
Rhonda, I’m telling you. Fifteen million, eight hundred
and thirty-nine thousand, seven hundred and twenty-three
dollars and twenty-five cents.
Rhonda: What’s
that?
Clifford:
That’s all the money I got stashed in that secret account.
I’ve been doing a little bit of creative
accounting.
Rhonda : Mmm.
Clifford : Rhonda. I know it doesn’t seem like it but I love you more than anybody else. [the other three sneak in behind him] I’m sorry I been acting like this. But listen, we could start a brand new life with that kinda cash, just you and me. If I’ve been lying to you Rhonda, may God strike me dead.
Sheila : Uh-uh, Clifford. God’s gonna have to stand in line.
[Rhonda laughs]
Sheila : Now you be a good boy, and give me that account number.
Clifford : No.
Sheila : Let’s take him to the sauna, girls.
[the four of them pick up the chair & carry Clifford off]
Clifford : Come on, Sheila, come on! Hey, come on, guys, that’s not... Come on, what are you guys doing. Please. This is insane.
[sauna]
Clifford
: Darlene. Oh, Darlene, let me out of here, okay?
Darlene: It’s
hot in here.
Clifford: It’s
too hot. I can’t stand this. I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die!
I swear to God, I’m gonna die!
Darlene: You
must be dying of thirst.
Clifford: Just
a little bit of water, okay?
Darlene: Sure,
Cliffie. You just give me your account number and you can
take a long cool drink.
Clifford: My
account number? I can’t remember it, okay? It’s in the
office somewhere. I gotta go back to the office to get
it.
Darlene: Oh
well.
Clifford: What
are you doing?
[she pours the glass of ice water over the coals]
Clifford : Come on, Darlene. I’m gonna die in here. For God’s sakes, I’m gonna die! After-after all we’ve been through, huh?
[she turns up the
thermostat]
Darlene: Call
me when you remember.
Clifford: Wait,
wait, Darlene. Darlene wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait
a minute!!
[Canadian
consulate]
Fraser: This is
my desk? [dozens of
erasers line the drawer]
Boy, oh boy,
I must make a lot of mistakes.
Thatcher: You
really don’t know who I am.
Fraser:
No.
Thatcher:
Inspector Meg Thatcher. I’m your commanding officer.
Fraser: It’s
nice to meet you.
Ray: Meg. Uh,
ma’am. Maybe you can remind him of something that you two
shared. A case, some special training, you know, Mountie
stuff?
Thatcher:
Eggs.
Fraser:
Eggs.
Ray: No,
please, not the eggs.
Thatcher:
Eggs.
[flashback: ‘We Are The Eggmen’]
Fraser
:
Can you throw?
Thatcher: 1.3
ERA over 30 games.
Fraser: That’s
good. [hands her an egg] Hit the red button.
[Thatcher throws the egg and hits the button, stopping Buxley’s descent]
Sneed : What’s going on?
[she throws another egg, hitting the thug squarely between
the eyes; Fraser scuffles with him, then throws him over
the side & into the vat of egg]
Buxley: Way to
go, Mountie!
[Sneed sneaks around, hears a noise & shoots at the
catwalk; Thatcher beans him in the back of the head with
an egg, then dives for cover as he shoots at her; Fraser
throws and beans Sneed, too; Sneed shoots in Fraser’s
direction, then backs into a maze of boxes, shooting
randomly... suddenly a gun appears against Sneed’s
neck]
Ray: Not so
fast, pal. Unless you want to play chicken.
Fraser:
Ray!
Ray: Evening,
Benny. Inspector.
Fraser: Ah,
it’s very good of you to come. May I? [takes Sneed’s
gun]
Ray: Ah, no
problem.
[Canadian consulate]
Fraser
: Eggs?
[shrugs]
Ray: Anything
else? [Thatcher
gives Vecchio a
look]
Excuse me. [stands
with his back to them]
Thatcher:
Fraser, you don’t remember anything about...
Fraser:
About?
[Vecchio listens
intently]
Thatcher: You
know.
Fraser: I
do?
Thatcher: You
must.
[flashback: ‘All The Queen’s Horses’]
[Fraser has retrieved a hairpin from Thatcher’s hair with his mouth; they move in to pull it apart with their lips, but it drops – right into her cleavage; he’s frozen, but she indicates he should go after it; he bends down & retrieves it; they finally pull the hairpin apart, and he proceeds to pick the lock on his handcuffs]
Fraser
: I give up. What is the perfume you’re wearing?
Thatcher: I’m
not wearing anything, Fraser. I hate perfume.
Fraser:
Ah.
[After a
<pause> he slides down her body to escape from the
bindings]
[Canadian consulate]
Fraser
: I don’t.
Ray: Of course.
Right. Carry on, gentlemen. Keep me apprised.
[exits]
Fraser: Ray,
this woman. Uh. Are she and I... rrrr-rrr-rrr?
Ray: She hates
you.
Fraser: Ah.
That’s too bad.
Ray : Yeah.
[Riv]
Fraser
: Are you sure. I mean, the inspector and I
never....
Ray: Absolutely
sure. You just gave me a great
idea.
[hotel]
Ray: Well? If
this doesn’t do it, nothing will. Do you remember
her?
Fraser:
Her?
Ray: No, no,
not her. Victoria. This is where you saw
her.
[flashback: ‘Victoria’s Secret’. Music: ‘Possession (piano version)’ by Sarah McLachlan]
[revolving doors, snowing inside the hotel, Victoria appears, mouthing ‘Why?’ and looking hurt ...]
[diner; Fraser bumps into Victoria in the
entryway]
Victoria:
Hi.
Fraser:
Hi.
Victoria: It
was you. I
thought I saw you standing in the middle of the road. I
wasn’t sure if I was just seeing things.
Fraser: No,
that-that was me. I was, uh [man enters, passes between
them] I was standing in the middle of the road.
Victoria: I
never thought I’d see you again.
Fraser:
Neither did I. [man2
exits] Where
were you, um... [man3
exits]
Victoria:
Prison.
Fraser: Going?
Where were you going?
Victoria: Oh,
I- Doesn’t matter.
Waiter: You
still want this to go?
Fraser:
No.
[Fraser’s apartment]
[the knob turns, but the door is locked]
Ray
:
Hey Benny, you okay? [ready to kick in the door when
Fraser opens it]
Fraser:
Morning, Ray.
Ray: Hey, the
consulate said you didn’t show up, so I figured you had to
be pretty sick. Are you all right?
Fraser: Yeah,
I’m fine.
Ray: So you’re
not sick?
Fraser: No,
I’m fine.
Ray: But you
didn’t go to work.
Fraser: Must
have slept in.
Ray: Oh. Are
you in some kind of trouble?
Fraser: No,
no, no. No. No, I just- I have a friend visiting, and I,
and...
Ray: Oh. What
kind of friend? [Fraser rolls his
eyes] A guy
friend? A girl friend?
Fraser:
[laughs] Well...
Ray: You got a
woman in there?
Fraser:
Yes.
Ray: Heh heh
heh. Way to
go, man! Way to go! You got an actual woman.
You.
[Fraser nods]
Ray
:
[whispers] Wow..
Fraser: Thanks
for dropping by, Ray.
Ray: Wow. Way
to go.
[gives him thumbs-up, Fraser returns it]
Ray
:
[to a neighbor] Got a woman in there.
[train is pulling away]
Victoria:
Fraser!
[he debates, as the detectives arrive up the stairs]
Victoria
:
Come with me!
[Fraser runs after her...Vecchio runs parallel to
him...he reaches for her...she reaches for him...Vecchio
aims, and sees a gun in her hand]
Ray: She’s got
a gun!
[Fraser reaches her...she pulls him onto the
train...Vecchio shoots...the music stops...]
[hotel]
Fraser
: You shot me?!
Ray: Well, I
didn’t mean to.
Fraser: Are you
definitely sure that we’re friends?
Ray: Yes, we’re
friends. I’ve done more for you than
anyone.
[flashback: ‘Hawk & a Handsaw’]
[padded
room]
Ray:
Heeeeeellllllp!!!!
Fraser: It
would appear to be a soundproof room.
Ray: You got a
better plan?
Fraser: Yes,
relax.
Ray: That’s a
plan?
Fraser: The
more you struggle, Ray, the tighter it becomes. All you
have to do is relax completely...Dislocate your
shoulder...and pull your arm out of the sleeve. [he has
done so]
Ray: Yeah, or
you can let me out!
Fraser: Oh
yeah. That would work too.
[Fraser has pulled the pads away, and revealed a rather
large vent]
Ray: Bolted
shut.
Fraser:
Archemedes said, ‘Give me a fulcrum, and a lever long
enough, and I can move the world.’
[Vecchio is on all fours, and Fraser is using a long pipe
to try to open the vent]
Ray: Why do I
always have to be the
fulcrum?
[hotel]
Fraser
: You know something, it’s probably better that there are
some things I don’t remember.
Ray: Yeah,
you’re probably
right.
[Riv]
Fraser:
Ray.
Ray:
What.
Fraser: You
keep saying that we’re friends.
Ray: What are
you asking me, Benny?
Fraser: Well,
why are we friends?
Ray: You
know.
Fraser: No.
That’s just it, I don’t. I mean, from everything you’ve
told me I’m-I’m--
Ray:
Annoying.
Fraser: Yes,
exactly.
[flashback: ‘Free Willie’]
Fraser : So you see the problem is, now that I have the bonds in my hands, I’m honor bound not to give them to you.
Ray : Give her the bonds, Fraser.
Fraser : I can’t do that, Ray.
Morgan : You got three seconds and I shoot him! One.
Fraser : I’m sorry, Ray.
Ray : What do you mean sorry?
Morgan : Two!
Ray : Give her the damn bonds!
Fraser : Can’t do it. I’m walking out of here with them.
Morgan : That’s it. He’s dead.
Fraser : Sorry to hear that. [walks away]
Ray : Fraser!
Morgan
:
Three!
[shoots after Fraser; she & Vecchio struggle; Vecchio
pushes her to the ground; Fraser jumps down from a top
shelf; she shoots...Fraser falls to the floor, and Vecchio
wrestles her & cuffs her behind her back...he pulls
boxes off of Fraser]
Fraser : She shot my hat, Ray.
Ray : She shot you in the hat?
Fraser : I can feel air coming in through the hole.
Ray : She shot you in the hat, all right.
Fraser : How does it look?
Ray : Doesn’t look good.
Fraser : We’ll have to go home and get my other one.
Ray : We can do that, Fraser.
Fraser : Thanks, Ray.
[Riv]
Ray
: Oh it’s...you know, guys aren’t any good at talking
about this stuff.
Fraser: Oh,
they aren’t?
Ray: No.
Fraser: Oh,
right, yeah.
Yeah.
[flashback: ‘Pizza & Promises’]
[Fraser jumps in front of the oncoming Tammy]
Tammy : You’re testin’ the wrong person, Billy Bob.
[she gets closer and closer, and...Vecchio smashes into her car from the side; they rush over]
Ray
:
Dead?
Tammy:
[stunned] I hate men.
Fraser: No.
Just disappointed.
Ray: What is
wrong with you?
Fraser: Pardon
me?
Ray: What the
hell is wrong with you? She almost killed you in there.
Didn’t you think she would flatten you here?
Fraser: Oh, I
knew she was prepared to kill me.
Ray: Well, then
why did you stand there?
Fraser: Well, I
heard you coming. I had to keep her attention fixed on me
long enough so that you would be able to intervene.
Ray: But what
if I didn’t?
Fraser: Well, I
knew that you would take the car parked next to hers, and
the Plymouth accelerates two seconds faster over the
quarter mile than the Cadillac.
Ray: I took the
Chevy.
Fraser: [pause]
Oh. Oh well. You know, you really should tell me next
time.
Ray: Tell you
what?
Fraser: Well, I
mean if you’re going to change a plan like that. I was
standing in front of a car, Ray.
Ray: Plan?
Plan? What plan? You mean to tell me-- There were two cars
to choose from, all right? Are you telling me I took the
wrong car?
Fraser: No
apologies necessary. It’s already
forgotten.
[Riv]
Ray
: I mean, it’s just one of those special cases where alone
we’re incomplete, but together we’re better than we are
separately. You know what I
mean?
[flashback: ‘The Man Who Knew Too
Little’]
Ray:
ONE! [they
push & rock the Riv out of the mud – Ian keeps
going] Okay,
stop the car, smart guy! Stop the car!
Ian: I can’t! I
can’t! My legs cramped up!
[Ian accelerates, Vecchio runs along side]
Ray: Stop the
car, you slime-sucking toad!
Ian
:
You better undo these things.
Ray: You can go
to hell!
Fraser!
[Fraser runs, then leaps]
Ian: Ow-ow-ow!
My leg, ow!
[Vecchio unlocks his own cuff as he hangs off the window, then tumbles away; Fraser is dragged]
[Riv]
Fraser
: Yes. Yes, I do, I do. It’s like that time that we were
hanging onto that van by our fingernails, and I was trying
to open the door.
Ray: I don’t
remember that.
Fraser: Sure
you do. Sure you do. I leaned down to try and read the
license plate and I, uh...
Ray : Fell off.
Fraser : Yes!
[flashback of the beginning: the van screeches to a halt
& turns, and Fraser falls off &
rolls]
Ray: Benny, you
remember it!
Fraser : Yes!
Ray
: What was the license plate number?
Fraser: Well,
it was partially obscured by mud. In fact the general
deterioration of the--
Ray: Benny!
What was the license plate number?
Fraser: Oh, the
license plate number. RCW 139.
Ray: RCW 139.
Are you sure?
Fraser: Yes, of
course I’m sure.
Ray: Oh, Benny,
I could kiss you!
Fraser: Well, I
thought we were just friends, Ray.
Ray: Oh, we
are. [into
radio]
Elaine!
[mansion; the women wait in the
lounge]
Clifford:
[voice]
All right, I’ll give it to you. All
right? Just open up, okay?
Sheila: Did you
hear something?
Rhonda: I don’t
think so.
Karen: I’ll go
check.
Clifford:
Hello?
[Karen goes to the sauna and opens the
door]
Karen: Hmm. I
think he’s done.
Clifford:
2-1-3-8-5-9-3-1.
Sheila:
Perfect.
[Fraser &
Vecchio arrive, and pound on the front door... no answer;
Dief barks, leading them around the side of the
house]
[inside]
Sheila
: Well, Clifford darling, I’m afraid this here is where we
part company.
[points a gun at his
chest]
Clifford: Oh my
God. Come on, Sheila you’re not serious. Come on. Sheila,
you can’t really kill me.
Sheila: Why
shouldn’t I? You’re a cheater, Clifford.
Rhonda
: A cheater and a crook.
Clifford: Look,
Sheila. Come on, we had good times.
Ray: All right,
ladies. Drop the gun.
Clifford: Thank
God.
Ray: Drop the
gun! [Sheila puts it
on the
floor] All
right. Now we’re gonna go downtown and we’re gonna get to
the bottom of this, you understand?
Sheila:
Absolutely, officer. We’d be happy to cooperate. We’ll
tell you everything. Even about Nassau.
Ray: Nassau?
What about Nassau?
Clifford: Uh,
listen, uh. This was just a surprise.
Fraser: A
surprise.
Clifford: Yeah,
uh, for my birthday. Uh, this is my wife Sheila, these are
her friends, and they came down to the store, and they
wanted to surprise me, and they got me, and uh...
Fraser: And
they tied you up.
[Clifford & Sheila
laugh]
Clifford: For
my birthday. What a surprise. Whoopee.
Ray: Is this
your story, too?
Sheila:
Absolutely. Go ahead and fire the gun.
[Vecchio picks it
up, fires it upwards, and a flag pops out –
“BANG”]
Fraser: Hmmm.
You know, Ray, I think there’s more to this story than
meets the eye. The bonds on Mr. Clifford’s hands are tied
for security, not as if he’d been playing a game.
Although, you know, it does bring to mind an Inuit
ceremony I once witnessed, in which the bridegroom is tied
to the bride by means of a walrus pelt--
Ray: You know,
Benny, I’m really glad you’re back, but do you mind
shutting up?
Fraser: No, not
at all.
[backup
arrives]
Ray:
[holding gun
out] All
right, everybody, hands over your heads. You too, Cliffie.
[Clifford points
his hands up, though his wrists are still tied; Sheila
continues to sip her martini]
Fraser:
Ray.
Ray : Huh? Oh. [realizes he’s pointing the toy gun & gets his own pistol out]
[uniforms lead everyone
away]
Clifford: Just
let me get some pants, all right? Let me get some pants
on?
Fraser: Great
Scott! Ray, look at my uniform!
Ray: Yeah, I
was wondering when you were gonna notice that.
[Fraser begins to redo his belts]
Ray: So listen,
Fraser.
Fraser:
Yes?
Ray: While you
were knocked back, there was some words that were--
Fraser: Don’t
worry, Ray. I remember very little.
Ray: All right,
good. So you wanna tell me more about that
Eskimo-walrus-pelt thing?
Fraser: It’s
Inuit, actually. The tribe I was speaking of, they believe
that two people who’ve been bound together will be more
effective.
Ray:
Fraser!
Fraser: I
should stop talking?
Ray:
Yes.
~~~~~
David Marciano to
camera: We liked
it.
The
End