Spy Vs. Spy
[street]
Ray: What time
do you look at this apartment?
Fraser: Not
‘til 10, so we have plenty of time for a game.
Ray: And you
say that this guy is good, right?
Fraser: Oh,
he’s very good. Aha!
Hanrahan: Ah,
Fraser! Carrot bran?
Fraser: No, oat
bran. It’s Tuesday.
Hanrahan: Oh,
yeah, right.
Fraser: It’s
always oat bran on Tuesday.
Hanrahan:
Right, right, yeah.
Fraser: This is
my friend Ray. Ray, this is--
Hanrahan:
H.
Ray: H. Like
the letter H?
Hanrahan:
Correct. Beautiful day.
Fraser:
Ah.
Ray: H. Is that
short for something?
Hanrahan: Oh,
uh, there’s no 1540 Belden Avenue. The street ends at
1500.
Fraser: H
receives calls from the plate he has in his head.
Ray:
Ohhh.
Hanrahan: Yes,
it’s off the coast of Finland. Helsinki Desk. Big dispute.
Three Russian fishermen.
Ray: Oh.
Helsinki Desk. So you what, work with the CIA or...?
Hanrahan: Yeah.
Who do you work for?
Fraser: He’s
with the Chicago PD.
Hanrahan:
Oh.
[airport]
Announcer : Dr. Jeff Barker. Paging Dr. Jeff Barker. Please pick up a courtesy phone. Dr. Jeff Barker.
[man (Karl) heads for a waiting taxi, but another man gets
in]
Karl:
Taxi!
[another taxi stops for him, but a family gets in]
[park]
[Hanrahan & Kowalski play
chess]
Ray:
Ah...uh...um...
[smiles & makes
a move]
Hanrahan: Oh.
Interesting stratagem. Double bluff and hide in plain
view. I used that ruse in ‘56 to smuggle Santos out of
Budapest before the tanks came rolling in.
Ray: What’s he
talking about?
Onlooker: He’s
a super-secret espionage spy guy and nobody knows about it
except you and me and everyone else.
Hanrahan: Will
you stop mocking me? You get on my nerves. Just stop it!
Stop it! Now, then, let me see, how about that?
[makes a
move]
Checkmate.
Ray: No
way.
Fraser: Yeah, I
think he’s got you, Ray.
Ray: Okay,
another game. Double or nothing.
Fraser: Well,
Ray, we really should get going.
Hanrahan: Oh,
yes. I hope you like the apartment. You would be a great
asset to this neighborhood.
Fraser: Oh,
well, thank you kindly.
Hanrahan: Now
what’s the time? Oh! Oh, I’m late. Is there a back way out
of here? Move out of the way, will you?
[street]
Ray: I had him,
Fraser. I was hustling him. I gave him a couple of games
and then I was going to crank him for the big money. What
do you wanna bet he’s on Lithium the size of pudding
pops?
Fraser: Ray?
It’s this way.
Ray: No, no.
It’s this way.
Fraser: Well,
Diefenbaker is very rarely wrong.
Ray: Okay. This
time when you’re talking to the landlord, do not volunteer
that he’s a wolf, okay?
Fraser: Well,
you are a wolf.
[Dief
grumbles]
Fraser: Yes, I
know, but most people aren’t as open-minded as you.
Ray: Don’t talk
to the dog in public, Fraser. It embarrasses me.
Fraser:
Understood.
Ray:
Okay.
[taxi stops for a
light]
Taxi Driver:
[into
radio] I’m
telling you, there’s no 1540 Belden, dispatch. The street
just ends.
[street
corner]
Hanrahan:
[looking through
notebook]
Thirty-two years. No contact.
[sees a man (Yuri)
on a
bench]
Suspicious looking. What’s he up to?
[Yuri hides
something in a garbage can]
Okay, okay,
stay calm. [Yuri
walks away, and Hanrahan goes to retrieve the
stash] Oh.
Contact.
[it’s money – a hundred dollar bill – and a ticket; Karl sees, then chases him]
[street; going the
wrong way]
Fraser: Maybe
it’s a combination of electromagnetism, cellular phones,
radio waves some things confuse him.
Ray: Oh, yeah,
that must be it.
Fraser: You
know, Ray, it’s sad. It’s sad and pathetic to watch a
grown man gloat over besting a dog.
Ray: You have
your hobbies, I have mine.
Fraser: It’s
not a hobby, it’s--
Hanrahan:
[voice]
Help! Help!
Fraser: It’s
Albert!
[alley]
[Fraser tackles Karl before the guy can punch
Hanrahan]
Ray: Chicago
PD!
[Karl swings & misses; Kowalski clocks him, and Karl falls on some garbage bags]
Ray
: You okay?
Fraser:
Fine.
Ray: H!
[Hanrahan has
disappeared]
Fraser:
Ray.
Ray: What’s
that?
Fraser: It’s a
theater ticket.
Ray: So?
[to
Karl]
Pitter, patter, let’s get at ‘er, come on.
[Karl doesn’t
move] Hey.
Hey. Come on!
Hey. Hey!
[27th
precinct; Welsh’s office]
Welsh: The
press is going to love this.
Ray: Look, I
barely tapped him. I threw him a dead fish, sir.
Welsh: He
dropped dead!
Ray: He
heart-attacked or something! He was assaulting or maybe
robbing this old chess guy. We don’t know, but somehow it
involves these theater tickets.
Welsh: You
killed a guy for scalping? Look, the mayor does not like
it when the Chicago PD goes around killing its
citizens.
Ray: Look, he
had no ID. He might not have even been a citizen.
Welsh: Oh!
That’s great. He’s a foreigner, so it doesn’t matter that
we killed him. The Chamber of Commerce is going to love
that one. Great for tourism. Where’s this old guy
now?
Ray: Fraser’s
out looking for him.
Welsh: The dead
body is downstairs?
Ray:
Yeah.
Welsh: All
right. I want to know who this guy is and I want to know
right now. When they ask me upstairs who is this guy we
killed, I want to be able to write a book about him.
Ray: Yes,
sir.
Welsh: Now,
when you kill a guy, this whole department has killed that
guy. Do you understand?
Ray: Look, I
barely tapped him.
Welsh: Do you
understand?
Ray: I didn’t
even bruise my hammer.
Welsh: Do you
understand?
Ray: Yes,
sir.
[apartment
building]
[Dief
groans]
Fraser: This
it, boy?
[Dief
grumbles]
Fraser: Perhaps
we can find the manager--
[Dief paws the door open]
Fraser : That’s trespassing. Well, maybe just this, uh, once.
[they enter; Fraser explores, finds a book]
Fraser : Hmm. Count Leipnitz, Art of the Spy.
[Fraser sniffs the bed pillow; opens bedside drawer and
turns it over, sees a medal hidden underneath, then puts
it
back]
[Dief groans a
warning; Fraser hides behind the door as it opens...
someone enters, holding a gun out in front... Fraser
disarms her]
Ruth: Oh!
Fraser: Oh, I’m
terribly sorry.
Ruth: Oh,
my!
Fraser: Are you
all right?
Ruth: Who are
you?
Fraser: My name
is Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP, and I first came to
Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father. For
reasons that don’t need exploring at this juncture, I’ve
remained, attached as liaison with the Canadian
consulate.
Ruth: Are you
the police?
Fraser: Well,
yes, but I’m here strictly in an unofficial capacity.
Well, I’m looking for Mr. Hanrahan.
Ruth: Uh, he
moved out.
Fraser: Oh.
When?
Ruth: About an
hour ago.
Fraser: Ah, I
see. Do you by any chance know where he’s gone?
Ruth:
[shakes
head] But
if you find him, you tell him he owes me a week’s
rent.
Fraser: Oh, so
you own the building.
Ruth: I’m the
manager.
Fraser: I see.
Do you also live here?
Ruth:
Yes.
Fraser: I see.
[exits, with Ruth
close behind]
Ruth: Oh! My
gun, please? That gun’s my protection. Please give me back
my gun.
Fraser: Do you
have a permit for this weapon, ma’am?
Ruth: Well, I,
uh--
Fraser: You
see, that could be a bit of a problem.
[they go into office; Fraser knocks on door]
Fraser
: Mr. Hanrahan, it’s Constable Fraser.
Ruth: What are
you doing? This is my apartment.
Fraser: Yes, I
realize that, ma’am.
[knocks
again] Mr.
Hanrahan, it is extremely important that I speak with
you.
Hanrahan: Oh.
Well, come in.
Fraser: Thank
you kindly.
Hanrahan: How
did you find me?
Fraser: The
single strand of hair that you used to monitor your
bedside drawer was the same stylish tone that makes your
hair so pleasing to the eye. Also, your pillowcase carried
the floral scent that I notice you favor. And I see you
are a reader of Count Leipnitz.
Hanrahan: Oh,
yes. Oh, yes. ‘The man who is truly hidden...’
Fraser: ‘...is
the man who hides beside himself.’
Hanrahan:
Yes.
Fraser: And the
man who attacked you today...
Hanrahan:
[pause]
I don’t remember that one.
Fraser: Oh, no,
no, I’m actually talking about the man who attacked you
today.
Hanrahan: Oh,
you’re actually asking me about the man who attacked me
today.
Fraser: Yes,
actually today.
Hanrahan: Yeah.
That is a matter of national security.
Fraser: I see.
The man is dead.
Hanrahan: I’ll
talk to you, but she has to leave the room.
Ruth: Oh,
Albert!
Hanrahan: Now,
Ruth, we’ve been through this many, many times. I’m
sorry.
Ruth: All
right.
Hanrahan: I’m
sorry. It’s very private, very personal.
[Ruth
exits]
Constable, I’m a coward.
Fraser: You’re
not a coward, sir, I’ve seen your medal. From Korea. There
were no cowards at the Chosin Reservoir.
Hanrahan: That
was years ago. I was just a kid. But I’ve become–I’ve
become... afraid. I’m afraid of choice. I’m afraid of
responsibility. I’ve been hiding from reality and my
excuse is I’ve been waiting for my country to call on me.
Huh. Finally they call – look! Look. There’s nothing left
of me. Nothing but talk and talk and talk and...and
fear.
Fraser: Sir,
excuse me. Are you telling me that you’re an intelligence
operative in deep cover living here in this rooming house,
that you receive unwelcome taxi calls on a plate in your
head, you play chess in a park, and that you’re waiting
for your government to activate you?
Hanrahan:
You’ve been very well briefed.
Fraser: Well, I
wonder then if you could explain the significance of this.
[hands him the
theater ticket]
Ruth:
[voice] Albert?
What’s going on in there?
Hanrahan: Ruth
is so proud of me. It’s going to break her heart when she
knows the truth.
[Ruth
enters]
Now, you go in my place, okay? This is where you will meet
your contact.
[27th
precinct]
Ray: Are you
completely nuts, Fraser?
Fraser: Not
completely, no.
Ray: Come on,
the guy is a mental patient! He picks up taxi calls via
his head.
Fraser:
Somebody attacked him.
Ray: Oh, jeez,
in that part of town, what a surprise.
Welsh: Vecchio,
what’s the word on that John Doe?
Ray: Uh,
nothing, sir.
Welsh: You been
downstairs?
Ray: To the
cold meat party? Not yet, sir.
Welsh: Waiting
for an engraved invitation?
Ray: I hate
this part. I really hate this part.
Fraser: It’s
all part of life, Ray.
Ray: Look,
don’t tell me it’s a part of life, Fraser. I know it’s a
part of life. It’s the worst part.
Fraser: You
know, eternity waits for us all, Ray, and in the knowledge
that there’s something larger than ourselves, I find a
certain peace.
[Mort’s singing
(“Brindis” from La Traviata by Verdi) echoes through the
corridor]
Ray: If you
lick anything, and I mean
anything, I’m
gone.
Fraser:
Understood.
[morgue]
Fraser
: Hey.
Mort: Oh. Hi,
boys.
[Kowalski faces the
wall, obviously very uncomfortable]
Ray
: Hey, it’s freezing in here. Can’t you turn it up a bit,
the heat or something?
[puts on
jacket]
Mort:
[amused]
You wouldn’t want me to.
Fraser: Have
you determined the cause of death?
Mort: I was
going to get to him after dinner.
Fraser: Ah.
Well, do you mind if I, uh...
Mort: Be my
guest.
Fraser: Thank
you.
Mort: You see,
there’s a special at Mendelsson’s.
Fraser:
Mm-hmm?
Mort: Chicken
tetrazzini, with peach melba as dessert.
Fraser:
Mm-hmm.
Ray: Clothes,
where’s his clothes?
Mort: In the
plastic bag there.
Fraser:
[sniffs Karl’s
hand] Mmm.
He smoked rough tobacco. Turkish. Possibly a Russian
blend. [sniffs the
face]
Liquid soap, the kind used in airline bathrooms.
Mort: Give me
one hour, I tell you what he had for supper.
Fraser: You
know, I might be able to do that now. You see, in the
north we don’t often have access to postmortem equipment,
so we’ve developed a very simple non-intrusive
technique.
Mort: So what
do you do, you smell his breath?
Fraser: Yes,
actually.
[Fraser presses down hard on the stomach... the body sits
up & out comes a great expulsion of air, which Fraser
sniffs]
Ray: Ah,
Fraser, that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever
glimpsed! [gags,
then puts on dead guy’s coat]
Fraser: Hmm,
hmm-hmm, hmm.
Mort:
Almonds.
Fraser: Yeah.
Can we adjust this light?
[they look inside
the mouth]
Huh.
Mort: That
dental work. It looks like it was done by gardening
tools.
Fraser: You see
here? One cap on his third distal molar?
Mort &
Fraser: Cyanide.
Ray:
Hey-hey-hey, include me here!
Fraser: I don’t
think you killed this man, Ray. When you hit him in the
jaw, he bit down on a cyanide cap he had in his tooth and
poisoned himself.
Ray: Good.
Good. This guy has no labels, so who the hell is he?
Fraser: My
guess is, judging by the amount of kasha he has between
his teeth that he arrived in the country today by plane,
probably on a Polish or Russian airline, he smokes Russian
cigarettes, he has a cyanide cap in his tooth. Some people
might conclude, as Mr. Hanrahan does, that he is a Russian
spy.
Ray: Come on,
the Russians can’t afford food, let alone spies,
Fraser.
Fraser: Well,
people can starve, Ray, but a government can always afford
spies. Well, I’ve got to get ready. I’ll have to scrub up
before I attend the theater tonight, and I’ll tell you
something. I’m kind of looking forward to it. The last
time I went to the theater, it was the Great Bear Lake
Opera Appreciation Society’s presentation of ‘The Shooting
of Dan McGrew’ at the 17th annual Yellow Knife
Cultural Festival and Blanket Toss.
Ray: Come on,
Fraser, you’re not serious.
Fraser: I never
joke about culture.
Mort: Oh! I
have two tickets for
Lucia di
Lammermoor for Saturday, huh?
Fraser: I’d
love to accompany you.
Mort:
[sings]
Addio
...
Fraser
: Goodbye, Ray.
[exits]
Ray: Hey,
Fraser, who’s going to ID the body? Fra--
Mort
: You are. Here is the inkpad. And remember, you have to
roll the pad around the top of his finger. It’s not like
printing a live man, huh?
Ray: I’m not
doing it.
Mort: Well, I’m
going for dinner. Chicken
tetrazzini
.
Ray: I’m not
doing it!
[Mort exits,
singing]
Ray: Ah, this
sucks.
[consulate; Fraser’s
room/office]
Fraser:
[to
Dief]
Don’t look at me like that. I only have the one ticket.
Aside from which, what do you care? You’re deaf.
[Dief
grumbles]
[theater]
Nada:
[spotting
Fraser] Is
that the buyer? [she
wears black hair]
Yuri: I don’t
know.
Nada: Where is
Karl?
Yuri: I don’t
know.
Nada: I will
deal with this myself. Wait for me.
[Nada takes the seat next to Fraser]
Nada
:
[whispers]
(The quality of the sound of music
transports me like smoke. Do you have a light for my
cigarette?)
Fraser: (I’m
afraid this is a non-smoking environment.)
Nada: (“The
white raven waits for the right wave.”)
Fraser: (I
see.)
Nada: (“The
white raven waits for the right wave.”)
Fraser: (Oh.
Um. <ahem>
“Rusty Ruggles rode his wet reindeer through the red
window.”)
Nada: (You’re
playing games?)
Fraser: (I
thought we were, yes.)
Nada: (I don’t
like games.)
Fraser:
(Oh.)
[house lights dim & the music
starts]
Nada: (I’m here
to do business. Arms business.)
[Music begins:
“Flora’s Awakening” by
Richard
Drigo
(credited), though (according to William & Elyse’s Due
South Page), this piece is actually “Pas de Deux from Don
Quixote” by Leon Minkus]
Fraser
: (This is so exhilarating for me. You see, we very rarely
had live music where I come from.)
Nada:
(Well?)
Fraser: (Well,
because it’s so remote. The cost of flying a symphony
orchestra in by seaplane is... well, it’s prohibitive. Not
to mention the dangers inherent of applying one’s lips to
brass instruments in subzero temperatures. As a matter of
fact, there was a very amusing but somewhat painful
incident at our ‘67 centennial--)
Woman behind
them: Shhh!
Fraser: (Oh,
I’m sorry.)
[27th
precinct]
Welsh: So the
Feds don’t have his fingerprints on file. What’s the
problem?
Ray: But they
don’t say that. They’re hiding something. If they didn’t
have the prints, they’d come out and say so, but they
don’t.
Welsh: No, no,
no. It’s government. They never just come out and say
anything.
Ray: We had a
seminar. ‘Information Sharing in the 21st
Century.’ We had homework, scribblers, everything.
remember?
Welsh: Let it
go. You want to get involved with the Feds? It’s always a
disaster.
Ray: Hey,
you’re the one who wanted to know who the hell this guy
was.
Welsh: Hey, I
changed my mind.
Ray:
Lieutenant, I killed a guy.
Welsh:
Detective... Look, the shooting team from Internal
Affairs, they want you available to them so don’t leave
the building.
Ray: But I
didn’t shoot anybody.
Welsh: We don’t
have punching teams, so you’re just going to have to make
do.
[theater]
Fraser: (...and
so, you see, when he lost his lips, he was forced to
abandon the horn section and he took up the
triangle.)
Nada: (Do you
have any idea who I am?)
Fraser:
(Actually, no, which is what--)
Woman behind
them: Shhh!
Fraser: (My
apologies.)
Nada: (Are you
enjoying this kind of dangerous little game?)
Fraser: (That’s
an excellent question. First of all, if I could--)
Several people:
Shhhh!
Nada: (Follow
me.)
Fraser: (As you
wish.)
Whole Section:
Shhhh!!
Fraser:
Certainly.
[Fraser & Nada exit]
[theater
lobby]
[henchman pulls gun on
Fraser]
Nada: Who do
you work for?
Fraser:
Technically, the Queen.
Yuri: He work
for the Colonels--
[Nada retorts in
Russian]
Fraser: Oh,
you’re Russian? I’m sorry, I mistook you for being
English.
Woman that was
behind them: Shhhh!
Fraser: I’m
terribly sorry. Excuse
me.
[escapes into
theater]
[Yuri follows him, and they do a little hopping dance on the stairs, to the music, then Fraser runs onto the stage]
Whispers in audience : What?....What’s this guy doing on the stage?....Who is this guy?
[Fraser takes part in the ballet, to the dismay of the bad
guys, but receives applause and shouts of approval from
the audience; Fraser leaps onto the giant Pegasus
background & throws his boot knife at the electrical
box; the background is hoisted to the ceiling; Fraser
raises his arm with a flourish, and receives a standing
ovation, as the dancers step (in unison) on
Yuri]
[alley outside
theatre]
Henchman:
[into
radio]
He’s in the alley.
[he shoots as Fraser
runs; Yuri comes out & shoots too]
[a black sedan appears]
Pike: Get
in.
[Fraser does, and they speed away; Pike drives recklessly, tossing Fraser all over the backseat]
Pike
: My name’s Pike. Cigar?
Fraser: No,
thank you.
Pike: Wise.
[tosses cigar out
the
window]
Well, you just landed yourself into a hell of a mess. At
first, I thought that the Canadians weren’t involved, but
now I think you’re RCMP.
Fraser: Well, I
am.
Pike: I know
you say you are, but I think you are.
Fraser: I am, I
said.
Pike: You’ve
got RCMP written all over your face. Who the hell would
ever think you’re undercover?
Fraser: Who are
you?
Pike: Here,
hold this for a second, will you?
[fake
sideburn?]
We operate on a need-to-know basis. For security reasons
we’re not given a full total picture of our mandates and
objectives.
Fraser: So just
to be clear, your organization is so secret that even you
don’t know what it is you’re doing?
Pike: That’s
right. That’s absolutely right. That gentleman who your
partner killed this morning, he was our conduit to the
location of the weapons stockpiles. Now we’re back to
square one.
Fraser: Who are
the Colonels?
Pike: Colonels?
Colonels?! What do you know about the Colonels?!
Fraser: Well,
nothing, I’m afraid.
Pike: When the
Soviet Union split up, the KGB went freelance. They split
up into two groups, the Mafia and the Colonels, both
fighting for control of black market activity. We believe
the Colonels have an agent deep in America, code named
Nautilus.
Fraser: An odd
designation. Does he lift weights?
Pike: No, no,
no one’s ever seen him. He stays under for long periods of
time. Nerves of steel. How much do the Canadians
know?
Fraser: Well,
that depends on the Canadian. Educational opportunities
vary from region to region--
Pike: Huh, the
old double-blind maneuver. I used that in Reykjavik in
‘81. Ever been to Reykjavik?
Fraser: No. No,
I haven’t.
Pike: They have
the most beautiful women in the world there. Their skin...
It must be the cold air.
[screech...siren
wails]
Pike: They
found us!
Fraser: No, I
don’t think so.
Pike: We’ll
make a run to the Mexican border, fresh passports, new
IDs.
Fraser: I’m
afraid that I have responsibilities.
Pike. Time’s
up. Watch your step. Adios.
[Fraser leaps out of the moving car, and Pike keeps going;
Fraser lands on a bench... crushing a guy’s
boombox]
Boombox Guy:
Oh, man, my tunes!
Fraser: Good
evening.
Boombox Guy:
What
the...?
[street]
[Fraser piles the remains of the boombox into the guy’s arms]
Fraser
: I’m terribly sorry about this, but a little bit of glue,
I’m sure it’ll be as good as new.
[car pulls
up] Ah,
thanks for coming, Ray.
Ray: You mind
telling me what the hell’s going on, Fraser?
Fraser: Have
you ever seen ‘The Magic Flute’?
Ray: Oh, yeah,
hundreds of times.
Fraser: Then
I’m sure you’ll agree with me it’s the most interesting
evening in the theater.
Ray: Oh
yeah.
[Kowalski pulls away; guy watches them go, then trips,
dropping boombox]
[27th
precinct]
Ray: I checked
with the FBI file but I couldn’t find squat.
Fraser: Well,
if the FBI files are closed to us, perhaps the RCMP will
be more generous with their information sharing. You know,
I hope Francesca doesn’t mind me using her station.
Ray: Yeah,
right. She’ll never wash those keys again. It’ll be like
‘Wayne Newton typed here’ or something.
Fraser:
[typing very
quickly]
I’ll just log onto the computer at the consulate and
piggy-back onto the mainframe database control in
Ottawa.
Ray:
[mimicking]
Mmmmm. How did you learn to do
that?
Fraser: Well,
early childhood piano training is an asset. Do you have
his fingerprint card?
Ray: Uh...how
can she work here? It’s like a pig sty. Oh, here it
is.
Fraser: Thank
you kindly. [places
the card into a
scanner]
Consular access codes should override any restricting
systems.
Ray: That’s
him.
Fraser: Karl
Almazov. Former major of the KGB. Since the breakup of the
Soviet Union, he’s been working freelance for gun runners,
drug dealers, the IRA, whoever has the price of his wage.
He’s suspected-- Oh, dear.
Ray: What?
[Fraser grabs a
file & blocks Kowalski’s
view]
What?
Fraser: It’s
top secret.
Ray: You’re
kidding me.
[Kowalski tries to see, but Fraser won’t let
him]
Fraser: No, I
most certainly am not. What I’m doing right now could be
considered grounds for treason. I’m afraid that you’ll
have to close your eyes.
Ray: Oh, come
on, Fraser.
Fraser: You
will have to close--
Ray: Come
on!
Fraser: You
will have to close your eyes!
Ray: Oh, take a
chill pill! [stalks
off]
Fraser: Thank
you.
Ray:
Jeez.
Fraser:
[mutters]
He is suspected of being involved in the
sale of a large shipment of stolen Russian military
equipment. [Kowalski
sneaks back to
see] This
equipment is believed to have entered-- No peeking!
Ray:
Wasn’t.
Fraser: You
were.
Ray:
Wasn’t.
Fraser:
Liar.
[he mutters quietly as Kowalski tries again]
Fraser
: ...is believed to have entered the United States during
sometime during the week of June 23 through O’Hare-- Stop
it!
Ray: Stop
what?
Fraser: You
know very well what!
[mumbles, reading to
himself]
Ray: What are
you mumbling about?
Fraser: I’m
sorry. [punches keys
& motions Kowalski to sit on the
desk]
Basically, Canadian Intelligence believes that there is a
second armed group known only as the Colonels, and that
they will attempt to intercept this shipment.
Ray: Wasn’t
that who the chick at the ballet thought you were, the
Colonels?
Fraser:
Exactly.
Welsh: How the
hell did you get into the FBI files?
[Fraser leaps up to block Welsh’s view of the
screen]
Ray: It’s
Canadian files.
Fraser: RCMP
files, sir.
Welsh:
Canadians have computers now?
Fraser:
Strangely, yes. In addition to that, we also have our own
news magazine, Maclean’s, as well as a special edition of
Sports Illustrated, although that is something of a hot
potato in the area of cultural protection which, I might
add, the Americans refuse to acknowledge even
exists.
Welsh: That’s
terrific. You’re to stay out of this, Detective, is that
clear?
Ray: Yes,
sir.
Welsh: All
right. I’ll clear you with the shooting team, but you’re
to have no further involvement in this. If you do, you’ll
be teaching traffic directing in Zaire.
Ray: Yes,
sir.
Fraser: Sir,
Zaire has changed its name. It’s now the Democratic
Republic of the Congo.
Welsh: I don’t
care.
Fraser:
Ah.
Welsh: Now,
out, out. The two of you, get out.
Ray: Three bags
full, sir. [Welsh
shuts the door on
them] What
the hell does that mean?
Fraser: Well,
it means there was a coup d’etat in the jungle--
Ray: Not that!
I mean, the computer.
Fraser: It
means that Mr. Hanrahan is in great danger.
[apartment building,
hallway]
[close-up of a newspaper headline: “Mountie Draws Raves –
Mountie takes Chicago Art World By
Storm”]
Hanrahan: Where
are we going?
Fraser: To a
place where you’ll be safe.
Ruth: Are you
sure this is necessary?
Ray: That’s
what I said.
Fraser: Quite
necessary.
[Kowalski’s
apartment]
Hanrahan: Oh, I
need a rest.
Ruth: I’m
putting you straight to bed. Come on, come on. There.
You’ll be comfortable here.
Fraser: Do you
have a problem?
Ray: I don’t
like old people sleeping in my bed. They smell funny,
Fraser.
Fraser: Perhaps
you smell funny.
Ruth: Are you
two going to tell me what Albert is supposed to have
done?
Fraser: Well,
there’s a couple of things we need to do before we can be
certain of anything. In the meantime, please don’t answer
the door to anyone and don’t answer the phone.
[Kowalski
surreptitiously sniffs himself]
If one of us
is coming over, we’ll call, let it ring once, then hang up
and call right back. And I’ll leave Diefenbaker here with
you. [to
Dief]
Stay.
Ray: Fraser,
the wolf can’t stay here.
Fraser: Why
not?
Ray: Because of
the, um...turtle.
Fraser:
Diefenbaker has no interest in the turtle.
Ray: The turtle
and the wolf are natural enemies, Fraser. Grrr. Fighting
and they...
Fraser:
[to
Dief]
Stay.
[Dief
grumbles]
Fraser:
[to
Ruth]
Would you lock the door behind us?
[Fraser & Kowalski
exit]
Ruth: I’ll look
after your turtle.
[stairs]
Fraser: Ray, I
wonder if you could drop me by the consulate. I want to
see if I can find some more information on the
Colonels.
Ray: Don’t you
ever sleep?
Fraser: Well,
of course I do, Ray. As a matter of fact, I just had a
30-second nap coming down the stairs. It’s very
refreshing.
[Hanrahan’s apartment; Yuri searches around in the dark; the closet door opens... Yuri is strangled from behind and pulled into the closet]
[27th
precinct, holding cell; Kowalski is sleeping]
[cup clangs on the
bars]
Ray: Aahhh!?
[awakens abruptly
& prepared to fight]
Francesca: Oh,
look, you’re an early riser. Well, seeing as you’re up, a
Miss Hanrahan’s here to see you.
[exits]
Ray: Drool..
[wipes his
mouth]
Hanrahan?
[bullpen; Kowalski’s
desk]
Ray: Miss
Hanrahan? Detective Vecchio.
Nada: Oh. They
said you found my father.
[now with red
hair]
Ray: Who
said?
Nada: The
Veteran’s Hospital at Waukegan. They called me last
night.
Ray: We only
put that inquiry on the computer yesterday. I mean, they
don’t waste any time.
Nada: I came as
fast as I could. They said you found him. Four years, I’d
almost given up hope. Where is he? Is he all right?
Ray: Yeah. Uh,
can I see some ID?
Nada:
Certainly. [shows
him]
Ray: Thanks. I
hate to have to ask this but there are, um...Your father
ever work for the government?
Nada: No. He
was an accountant. ‘Til his breakdown. He was taking
treatment at the Vet’s and then he disappeared. Detective,
I really must see my father.
Ray: Yeah.
Okay. I’ll take you to him.
[car]
Nada: Do you
often sleep at the station?
Ray: I live by
my wits, a calling that affords me at times no great
measure of security.
[cell phone
rings]
Ray:
Vecchio.
Francesca: Ray,
I just heard back on that missing Hanrahan guy? He had a
daughter.
Ray: Francesca,
way to be all over that job. Guess who’s in the car with
me?
Francesca: I
don’t know. That’s a pretty good question, seeing as the
daughter drowned two years ago.
Nada: Hang up
the phone. [she’s
holding a gun on
him] Go
on.
Ray:
Okay.
Nada: Take me
to him.
[Kowalski spots a
black sedan following
them]
Ray
: No.
Nada: Take me
to him or I shoot.
Ray: Go ahead.
[accelerates]
Go ahead,
shoot! Look, I
don’t care, lady. Go ahead, shoot! I don’t care if you
kill the both of us. I’m nuts! Come on, let’s go!
Nada: Slow
down.
Ray: I’ll kill
both of us! Let’s go!
Nada: Slow
down.
Ray: Yeah,
okay.
[Kowalski slams on
the brakes, just missing the black sedan; Nada is thrown
forward and the gun goes off, shattering the driver’s side
window; Kowalski gets out of the car...]
Pike : Get in!
[...and leaps into the waiting sedan, which speeds
away]
[Nada fires her gun,
but they’ve
escaped]
[sedan]
[Pike lights a cigar...and his hat]
Pike
: Name’s Pike.
Ray: Hey, hey,
hat’s on fire.
Pike:
Huh?
Ray: Hat’s on
fire!
Pike: Oh! Jeez!
Oh!
[he throws burning hat out the window, and gets a fresh hat from the seat]
Pike
: That hat thing, that was a mistake. Don’t get the wrong
idea about me. I’m a serious man.
Ray: Yeah,
right. Can I see some ID?
Pike: Maybe you
should show me some ID, Ray KOWALSKI!
[he jerks the wheel, throwing Kowalski all over the
backseat]
Ray:
What-what-what-what are you saying?
Pike: Three
years ago the Bureau’s O.C. Division started tracking a
Mob lieutenant in Vegas known as Armando ‘the Bookman’
Langoustini. Turns out Ray Vecchio is a dead ringer for
Langoustini. So what do they do? They start grooming him.
And then, what do you know? What do you know happens? Car
crash.
[chuckles]
Car crash, the Bookman’s killed. Was it
an accident? You be the judge. Anyway, this opens up a
window of opportunity. So the Feds slide in Ray Vecchio as
the Bookman. But this is a fragile cover, so they need to
cover the cover. They need a new Ray Vecchio to slide in
there at Division 27, Chicago PD. They pick you.
Ray: How do you
know all this?
Pike: I know
everything. I know everything. They tell me everything. I
mean, I know everything. You graduated from high school
with a 61% average--
Ray: 62.
Pike: That’s a
failing average where I come from! You’re five foot
ten-and-a-half, you weigh 159 pounds, your vision is
20-60, you got, uh, no, 20-45--
Ray:
Astigmatism. I have astigmatisms.
Pike: You got a
tattoo on your left shoulder of a Champion spark
plug--
Ray: It’s my
right shoulder, right--
Pike: Satellite
photos have all been reversed.
Ray: What do
you want?!
Pike: I do the
talking. I do the talking. You draw the conclusions. Get
it? Get out! Get out of the car!
Ray:
But--
[the sedan turns the corner & keeps going; Kowalski
flies out of the backseat; he lands on the bench...
*CRUNCH* ...and another
boombox]
Ray: Uh...
Sorry. A little bit of glue and it’ll be okay.
[Kowalski’s
apartment]
[Dief barks as Ruth
enters]
Hanrahan: I
woke up and you were gone.
Ruth: Oh, I had
to go out and get something for my headache.
Hanrahan: Oh, I
need a drink.
Ruth: Now, you
know I don’t have money for that sort of thing.
Hanrahan: I can
give you money. Look at that.
[shows her the $100
bill]
Ruth: Where did
you get that?
Hanrahan: I got
it yesterday in the park.
Ruth: The park?
Do you know what this means? Everyone’s been looking for
this. There must be a code or something.
Hanrahan: Oh,
yeah, a microdot.
Ruth:
[looks at bill
through a magnifying
glass] Oh,
this is wonderful.
Hanrahan: Shall
we call the police?
Ruth:
No! No. This
is your chance to be a hero.
Hanrahan:
How?
Ruth: You’re
going to get these men.
Hanrahan: I
can’t do that.
Ruth: Yes, you
can, and I’m going to be right with you, and nobody’ll
ever laugh at you again. Oh, make me proud, Albert.
Hanrahan: All
right, Ruth. I will. Oh!
Ruth: Let’s go.
You wait for me downstairs and I’ll put the dog in the
back.
Hanrahan: Oh,
Ruth, this is wonderful.
[they
kiss]
Ruth: And my
car is in the alleyway.
Hanrahan: All
right.
[exits]
Ruth:
[to
Dief] Now,
let’s see what we’ve got for you in the fridge.
[Dief
whines]
[Hanrahan’s
apartment]
[CSIs and patrolmen on
scene]
Ray: One ring,
hang up, call again?
Fraser: That’s
correct. It’s one of the men from the theater.
Ray: You found
him?
Fraser: Well, I
came back. I wanted another look around the room.
Ray: What kind
of person would strangle someone to death? They’re not
answering.
[Kowalski & Fraser exit; Yuri is hanging dead in the closet, tangled up in hangers]
[Kowalski’s
apartment]
Ray: Ruth?
Albert?
[Fraser picks up a
mug]
Fraser
: It’s still warm.
Ray: No one’s
here.
Fraser:
Diefenbaker.
[Fraser kneels down beside a prostrate Dief, then picks up a bowl & sniffs it]
[alley]
[Kowalski spots a waiting sedan & makes way over to
it]
Ray: Chicago
PD!
[sedan screeches
right towards him; Kowalski leaps out of the way &
fires at the retreating car, hitting a tire; Fraser
arrives, carrying an unconscious Dief]
Fraser: I think
he’s gonna be all right. The drug knocked him out before
he could finish all the meat. That probably saved his
life.
Ray: What kind
of person would poison a dog?
Fraser: A
malfeasiant.
Ray: A
malfeasiant?
Fraser: A bad
person. We need a car.
[Kowalski stops a
passing motorist]
Ray : Chicago PD! We need the car!
[street; Fraser is prone, sniffing the asphalt; Kowalski
follows slowly in commandeered car; Fraser stands up,
pointing]
Fraser: It’s
this way.
[dock]
Nada:
[to
laborers]
Get going! Move it! Watch it!! Move it. Get
going! Move
it! Come on.
[Hanrahan & Ruth arrive, skulking behind
crates]
[street; several cars now behind
Kowalski’s]
Fraser: There’s
rubber marks here where the tire was flapping. These metal
scrapes are from when he was riding on the rim. And this
is a gasoline spill.
[tastes & sniffs
his
finger] It
was low octane, there was dirt in the line.
Ray:
[checking himself
out in the
mirror]
Fraser, you think I’m losing my hair?
Fraser: No,
it’s full-bodied and bushy, Ray. It’s this way.
[dock]
[Hanrahan & Ruth are watching the proceedings from a hiding place]
[street]
Fraser
: At the rate he’s losing gas, he couldn’t have gotten
much farther than this.
Ray: Maybe he
got gas.
Fraser: Oh,
Ray, come on, you know it’s impossible to find a gas
station in downtown Chicago.
[Kowalski spots
something]
Ray: Hey,
that’s my car.
[dock]
Nada: Move it,
come on! Get the lead out!
[Hanrahan & Ruth are watching; Fraser & Kowalski arrive]
[Fraser opens a large crate & a million squeaking
rubber ducks spill out...the crate also carries
guns]
Fraser: Russian
weapons.
Shh.
[Kowalski draws his pistol... they now watch
Nada]
Nada: Come on,
come on!
Henchman: Has
Yuri returned yet?
Nada: I have a
feeling Yuri will not be returning.
Henchman:
Nautilus.
Nada: The
Nautilus is a bogeyman used to frighten children. Are you
a child?
Henchman:
No.
[a laborer drops a crate, and Nada yells at
him]
Hanrahan:
[whispers to
Ruth] (Get
back, get back.)
Nada: Get back
to work! Whoever has the microdot also has the location.
If we lose these guns, we lose everything.
Hanrahan: (We
have to get the police. We must trust someone. Ruth? Ruth?
Ruth!)
[Ruth has
disappeared]
Henchman: What
if it is Nautilus?
Nada: If he
shows up here, he dies.
Henchman: Come
on.
[a gun butt hits Hanrahan in the
face]
Hanrahan:
Oh!
[Nada gets
suspicious... she sees Kowalski & Fraser peeking out;
she fires machine gun at them, Kowalski returns
fire]
Nada:
[to
henchman]
Hold them!
[Kowalski comes upon Ruth & and unconscious
Hanrahan]
Ruth: He wanted
to be a hero.
Ray: Well, you
just take care of him. Keep your head down.
Ruth: Oh.
Ray:
Okay?
[Fraser jumps off the truck & lands on Nada...
gunshots... they both run for
cover]
Pike: Oh.
Finally.
Nada: Finally
what?
Pike: It’s
over. I almost had you three years ago with the diamond
merchant and the 9,000 pairs of fake French blue jeans at
Antwerp.
Nada: I’ve
never been to Antwerp.
[they exchange
gunfire]
Pike: And again
last year, at the boat show in Buenos Aires. Remember
that? With that freight full of fake Dave Clark Five
memorabilia?
Nada: I hate
the Dave Clark Five.
Pike: Twenty
years. For twenty years I’ve hunted you, Nautilus.
Fraser: Excuse
me.
Pike:
Yeah?
Fraser: I think
twenty years ago she still would have been a child.
[henchman enters, firing a machine gun; Pike fires one
shot & gets
him]
Nada: I was in
eighth grade.
Pike: You were
in the eighth grade? Well, the eighth grade, that would
make you, what, 12-and-a-half? Thirteen? Plus
twenty...twenty thr--....32. No. That’s a valid point.
That’s a valid-- Oh, so you’re the one!
[points gun at
Fraser] I
knew it! I was right the first time, wasn’t I?
Don’t-don’t-don’t, I don’t want to know how old you were
twenty years ago or what grade you were in, cause it’s too
confusing to me. I’m not good in math,
so--
[Kowalski is sneaking up behind Nada]
Fraser
: Actually, I was educated at home. And my exams, they
were all flown in by bush plane.
Ray:
[to
Nada] Drop
it! Move!
Fraser: Good
work, Ray.
Ray: Thank
you.
Pike: All
right. Let me get this straight. You’re not Nautilus,
right? Okay, and she’s not Nautilus, right? And I’m not
Nautilus--
Ray: Nautilus?
Who’s Nautilus?
[wig drops... Ruth
holds a machine gun on
them]
Ruth : Drop your guns, all of you!
Pike
: So...
Fraser: She’s
Nautilus.
Ruth: That’s
right.
Ray: You never
mentioned a Nautilus.
Fraser: I
realize that.
Ruth: Drop
it!
Fraser: She had
your man Yuri killed.
Nada: So she is
real. Nautilus is real.
[laughs]
Ruth: Very
real.
Ray: Hello, am
I the only one here who doesn’t know who Nautilus
is?
Fraser: Yes, it
would appear so, Ray. I had my suspicions when I first
disarmed you. The way you laid your finger along the
trigger guard. Very professional.
Ray: Partners
means sharing. You ever hear of that, Fraser?
Fraser: Yes, I
understand that.
Ray : Partners mean--
Fraser
: Could we-- Could we deal with it later?
Ray:
Sharing.
Fraser: When
you strangled Yuri, you used your knitting for the
garrote. I detected traces of lanolin from the wool around
his throat.
Ruth: Very
clever. But right now it’s not doing you any good, is
it?
Pike: You’re
not going to get out of here.
Ruth: Who’s
going to stop me?
Hanrahan: I am.
You used me. You lied to me every step of the way.
Ruth: Oh, shut
up. People lie. You lie. That’s life.
Hanrahan: No,
no. Not about you. I had--I had real feelings about
you.
Ruth: You know
what? You’re an old fool. And you’re right, you’re a
coward. You hide behind ideas of love when the fact is
you’re afraid to take what you want.
Hanrahan: No,
I’m not. No, I’m not! I’m not afraid any longer!
Ruth: Don’t
make me shoot you.
Hanrahan:
You’re going to have to.
[Dief attacks &
knocks her down, disarming her]
Fraser:
[to
Dief] Keep
your eye on her. It’s interesting you should mention the
Dave Clark Five, Mr. Pike, since it’s not generally known
that they were more than merely entertainers.
Hanrahan: Are
you all right?
Ruth: Yes, I’m
fine. You’ve ruined everything, you old fool!
[Kowalski & Fraser look
around]
Fraser: Where’d
he go?
[park]
Ray: For
service to his city and his country well above and beyond
the call of duty, I present this citation to Albert
Hanrahan.
[applause]
Onlooker: It’s
blank, there’s nothing written on it.
Hanrahan: Of
course it’s blank, you fool. You think the CIA wants to
broadcast its assets? The fact there’s nothing written on
it proves that it’s genuine.
Voice: Wolf on
the loose!
[black sedan pulls
up]
Fraser: Mr.
Pike?
Ike: No, I work
with Pike. The name’s Ike. Nada went back to Mother
Russia, part of a prisoner exchange.
Ray: What about
the Nautilus?
Ike: Escaped.
They were transferring her back to Federal. Took out three
cops with one knitting needle. Pike wanted you to have
this.
[hands him a piece
of paper]
Fraser : Thank you kindly.
[meanwhile, Hanrahan is burning his
citation]
Fraser:
[reads]
‘She’s out
there somewhere...’
Pike
voiceover:
‘If it takes the rest of my life, I’ll find her. ‘Til we
meet again. Signed, Pike.’
[busy sidewalk; an older woman walks along...]
End