Mountie on the Bounty
<Thirty-two Down
on the Robert Mackenzie>
[rooftop]
[Fraser &
Kowalski are trapped; bad guys shoot at them & they
duck under a structure]
Fraser: All
right. The way I assess it is, we could stand our ground
and we can wait for backup, or we could give up. Now, if
we stand our ground, they’ll likely shoot us. If we give
up... Well, they’ll likely shoot us anyway. What else
could they do?
Ray: Well, they
could surrender but I wouldn’t count on that.
[gunfire]
Fraser: You
know something? We could jump.
Ray: Like hell
we could!
Fraser: No, no.
Would you make a jump like that if you didn’t have
to?
Ray: Look, I
have to and I’m not gonna!
Fraser: All
right, I’ll go first.
Ray: No.
Fraser: All
right, you go first.
Ray: No means
no!
Fraser: What is
wrong with you?!
Ray: I can’t
swim.
Fraser: The
quality of the water alone will probably kill us.
Ray: Look, does
this conversation seem strangely familiar to you?
Fraser: Oddly,
yes. All right. On the count of three?
Ray:
One.
[they rush out from their hiding
place]
Fraser:
Two.
[they
leap]
Ray &
Fraser:
Threeeeeeeeeeeeee
!
[*SPLASH*]
[lakeshore; arrests
being made]
Dewey:
[to
Huey]
Heave. Not heat. Frost
heave. Why would
I say ‘frost heat’? What the heck could ‘frost heat’ mean?
It’s frost – it doesn’t have heat, right?
Huey
: So what does ‘heave’
mean?
[Kowalski and Fraser climb out of the
water]
Ray: If we had
waited two seconds, they would have been here!
Fraser: What if
they hadn’t come?
Ray: You’re a
maniac, Fraser!
Fraser
: Ray, You are overreacting.
Ray: I’m not
overreacting.
[arrests]
Dewey: Heave is
like when you throw up, you know. The frost sort of throws
up the ground, right? That’s why your foundations have
been moving. And that’s why you got a basement full of
water!
Huey: No, I got
a basement full of water because the sewer backed
up.
Dewey: Not
water. You have water underneath – you have a completely
different problem now.
Welsh: Dewey,
you seen Vecchio?
Dewey: Yeah,
they’ve been going at it for a while down there.
[points to Fraser
& Kowalski arguing]
Welsh: What’s
the problem? It’s a good collar. They did good.
Dewey:
Differences.
Welsh:
Differences, huh?
[shore]
Fraser: What do
you propose we do, Ray? We are officers of the law.
Ray: I know
that. We’re cops. I don’t have a cape, you don’t have a
cape.
Fraser: No, but
I do wear a uniform, you carry a badge. And my Sam Browne
is sort of--
Ray
: Look, why are you arguing with me?
Fraser: I am
not arguing with you!
Ray: Yes, you
are! That’s that thing again. You’re correcting. You’re
niggling. You’re doing that thing with the T’s and
the
I’s
, and I say ‘A’ you say ‘B,’ I say ‘night’ you say
‘day.’
Fraser: I think
you should be reasonable. I don’t do it all the
time.
Ray: No, you
just did it again!
Fraser:
I--
Ray: You just
did it again! It’s like some kind of disease!
Fraser: It’s
not a disease.
Ray: Look, I
don’t want to hear it! I don’t want to hear it! I don’t
understand, I don’t want to hear it!
Fraser: Ray,
would you just listen to me--
Ray: Look, I
swear-I swear to God I will punch you right in the face.
Fair warning.
Fraser: Well,
what does that mean, you’re going to punch me?!
Ray: Just look,
I’m going to punch you in the face! Why don’t you listen
to me?!
Fraser: Just
think calmly--
[*punch*]
[stunned silence; Fraser turns & walks away; Kowalski watches him go & then walks the other way]
[27th
precinct]
[Kowalski wanders in, lost in thought; he comes in &
sits on Frannie’s
desk]
Francesca:
[on
phone]
Okay, so, orange baseball cap, orange slacks, orange
shirt, carrying a pizza. Is there a light on the car
outside with flashing lights marked ‘Pizza’ by any
chance?
[Kowalski gets up & wanders
away]
Welsh: Vecchio,
you want to come in here for a minute?
Francesca:
[on
phone]
Okay, and one last question. Did you order a pizza?
[consulate; Fraser’s
office]
[Fraser is changing, and is in his boxers & tank
top]
Thatcher:
Fraser, I have something here that I’d like to discuss
with you that...
[he freezes, and she pauses, finally noticing his state of undress]
Thatcher
: Constable, I understand that you live here, but during
the day--!
Fraser:
[quickly puts on
trousers] Yes, sir, it’s just that, you see, well,
Detective Vecchio and I were...we were in pursuit of three
individuals who were from the FBI’s most wanted
list--
Thatcher:
Just-just stay in uniform, Fraser.
Fraser: Yes,
sir. [zip]
Thatcher: I
have something for you.
[27th
precinct; Welsh’s office]
Welsh: This
came in today.
Ray:
Transfer?
[Fraser’s
office]
Thatcher: To
Ottawa.
[Welsh’s
office]
Ray: So I can
get my own life back? My own name?
Welsh: Frankly,
I’d choose something a little more interesting if I were
you, but if that’s what you want, go ahead.
[Fraser’s
office]
Thatcher: Well,
you’re not going to take it, are you?
Fraser: Well, I
haven’t--
Thatcher:
Because over the years we’ve developed a relationship.
Working, of course, a
working
relationship, and... You might be hard to replace.
Cost-wise. I mean, not everybody would live here in his
underwear. Uh, work – live...in a place where he works.
[exits with a
sigh]
[lake shore,
night]
Ray: This is
where it started, so this is where we’ll end it.
Fraser: Right.
I was over there.
Ray : Right.
[they switch places]
Fraser
: I can’t do this, Ray.
Ray: Look, you
have to.
Fraser: This is
for good?
Ray: You put in
your transfer, I’ll put in mine. It’s quits.
Fraser: You’re
sure about this?
Ray: Do
it.
[Fraser punches Kowalski]
Ray : There. Done. Pleasure working with you. Come on, I’ll give you a lift.
[car]
[Fraser gets in, Kowalski starts the engine... and a man
falls onto the hood, a knife in his
back]
Ray: This is
1-1-7. We’ve got a 10-52 at South Speedway, need immediate
assistance.
Voice
: 10-4, 1-1-7...
Man:
[to
Fraser]
Treasure...Chest.
[collapses]
Fraser: He’s
dead.
Ray: All right.
Okay...One more case. Then we’re done.
[27th
precinct; morgue]
[Fraser & Mort are examining the body, Kowalski is trying not to look; the man’s chest has an elaborate carving]
Mort
: Treasure chest, maybe.
Ray: Looks like
the head of a dog.
[faces the other
way]
Mort: Very good
work. It looks like it was carved into the skin.
Fraser: With
his hook maybe.
Mort: Captain
Hook? It would seem to be a map.
Fraser: Could
be. [begins to
sketch the carving]
Ray: Of course
it’s a map. He’s a pirate.
[bullpen]
Ray: Frannie?
Can you run some prints for me, check ‘em against any
known pirates?
Francesca:
Pirates? What do you mean? Like, ‘pieces of eight’ and
‘sliver me timbers’?
Ray: It’s
‘shiver me timbers.’
Francesca: It’s
sliver.
Ray:
Frannie!
Francesca:
Ray?! What can that mean, ‘shiver me timbers’?! That
doesn’t mean anything!
Ray: Sure it
does. It means, like, shake your booty, something like
that.
Francesca: Ray.
Pirates. They slide down masts. Wooden masts. Sliver, you
get it? Sliver in their
timbers?
[mutters]
Shiver.
Ray: I never
got that.
Fraser: You
know, Ray, we do not know that he’s a pirate. For all we
know, he might be an accident-prone accountant.
Ray: You ever
try to run a calculator with a hook?
Fraser: No, but
appearances can be deceiving. You know, I once knew a
trapper in Great Slave Lake who ran his trap lines dressed
in a three-piece suit. He looked like a banker. Of course,
he carried his bait in his pocket, so the smell was...
Well, that’s a different story.
Ray: Fraser, a
guy dies. He’s got a hook and he’s got an eye patch. He
says ‘treasure.’ He says ‘chest.’ What do you think he
is?
Fraser: Ray. If
there are any pirates on the Great Lakes, which I
sincerely doubt, I think it’s highly unlikely that they
would go about dressed like some character invented by
Robert Louis Stevenson.
Ray:
[mutters]
Stevenson.
Francesca: Hey,
Ray, I got an ID. His name’s Billy Butler. He worked the
lake boats most of his life. He’s got three convictions
for drug smuggling and one for assault.
Ray:
Accountant?
Fraser:
Pirate.
Ray: Thank
you.
[bar]
Voices: Who are
those guys? Never seen ‘em in here before.
Ray
: Recognize this guy?
[shows photo of
Butler]
Bartender:
Yeah. Used to live in that chair. Moved out about a year
ago. Haven’t seen him since.
Ray: You seen
this guy?
Man at bar:
Nah.
Ray: Anybody
here seen Butler?
[music & conversation stop]
Ray
: You know this guy? You seen him before? How about
you?
Man 1: Is that
a wolf?
Fraser: Ah,
yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
Man 1: A wolf
in a bar’s bad luck.
Man 3: No, man,
that’s a woman on a ship.
Man 4: That
too.
Man 2: That’s
whistling on a ship, you idiot.
Man 1: Wolves,
there’s gotta be something about wolves.
Fraser: Well, I
know there are a number of nautical superstitions, but I
can’t think of any offhand that actually feature
wolves.
Man 1: You
can’t be too careful these days.
Fraser: And why
is that, sir?
Man 1: There’s
bad things stirring the waters. A ghost ship, with a crew
long dead, flying the colors of the Mackenzie.
Man 3: Come on,
you old bastard. You’ve had too much to drink.
[all the patrons clear
out]
Ray:
[to men as they
leave] You seen this guy? You seen him? Butler?
[to
Fraser]
Goat ship?
Fraser: Ghost
ship. It seems to have scared them all off.
Bartender: Hey.
He left some stuff down in the cellar if you want to go
through
it.
[bar cellar]
[Fraser is searching a trunk]
Ray
: What are you doing?
Fraser: Well,
my Uncle Tiberius owned a very similar trunk in which he
had hidden some pictures of naked-- Aha.
[springs a trap door
in the base of the trunk]
Ray:
[whistles as he
pulls out an
ingot]
Gold.
[outside]
Ray: I told
you. Pirates.
Fraser:
Possibly.
Ray: What do
you mean, possibly? The guy said ‘treasure,’ the guy said
‘chest.’ You know? We found the chest and this is the
treasure.
Fraser: One
bar?
Ray: Well,
where there’s one, there’s a pile, you know. That’s the
way treasure works.
[a tapping sound
materializes behind them; they stop walking & the
tapping stops; they walk in place, the tapping resumes,
and Blind Lew crashes into Kowalski]
Lew: What are
you doing? You could get somebody--
Fraser: Sorry,
sir. Terribly sorry.
Ray: Who the
hell are you? Why are you following us?
Lew: The name’s
Lew.
Fraser: Blind
Lew, by any chance?
Lew: That’s
right. I got information about Billy, if you’re wanting
it.
Ray: What do
you got?
Lew: Ah.
Seventy bucks.
Ray: Seventy
bucks?
Lew: Hey, get
an old blind man a decent meal.
Ray: Where you
going to get it, Europe? Twenty bucks.
Lew: Fifty.
It’s deductible.
Ray: Look, this
better be good.
Lew: Ah. It
is.
[Kowalski gives him money, and Lew holds out a newspaper
article]
Ray: What is
it?
Fraser: It’s an
editorial about crabgrass.
Lew: Wait,
wait.
[Lew hands over a different
article]
Fraser: This is
more like it. According to this, Billy Butler was drowned
at sea over a year ago.
<Thirty-two Down on the Robert Mackenzie>
[27th
precinct; Dief snags an inattentive cop’s water
bottle]
[Francesca’s
desk]
Francesca:
Okay. Wailing Yankee. Yankee, as in Yankee Doodle
Dandy?
Fraser: That’s
correct.
Francesca: And
Whaling, as in sperm?
Fraser:
Sperm?
Ray: No,
Francesca, that’s Wailing as in wailing on a guy’s
head.
Francesca:
Okay.
Ray: Look, I
don’t believe this. A guy on the wharf’s got better
information than we do.
Francesca: Says
who?
Ray: Says this.
Billy Butler sank on the Wailing Yankee over a year
ago.
Fraser: ‘Here
lies the body of John Brown, who was lost at sea and never
found.’
Ray: Francesca,
ask Fraser what’s that supposed to mean.
Francesca: It’s
supposed to mean that your guy drowned, and then what? He
swam, crawled, stabbed himself so that he could hang out
with Mort?
Ray: Okay, so
we got a bit of a mystery.
Fraser: Indeed
we do.
Francesca: Hey,
I got it!
Fraser: That’s
excellent, Francesca.
Francesca:
Thank you, Fraser.
Fraser: Wailing
Yankee. Went down a little more than a year ago. All hands
lost.
Ray: And now I
found one of ‘em.
Francesca: Hey,
there’s the crew.
Ray: There’s my
friend Billy. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I just found
two of ‘em. This guy-- I saw this guy the night of the
murder.
Fraser: We both
saw him, Francesca.
Ray: Make it
bigger, will you, Frannie?
Francesca:
Okay. [zooms in on a
guy’s ear]
Oh. Whoops.
Ray: Come on,
Frannie, no whoops! Don’t blow it here.
Francesca:
Okay! Okay, just relax.
[Fraser punches keys & gets the picture full frame]
Francesca
: See?
Ray: Yeah.
Learn fast. Fraser’s not going to be around to help much
longer. Andy Calhoon. Print that out, will you,
Frannie?
Francesca:
You’re leaving, Fraze?
Fraser: Well,
I’ve been offered a transfer to Ottawa.
Francesca: Oh.
[turns
away]
That’s great, that’s just-that’s great.
Fraser:
Something wrong?
Francesca: No.
I’ve, um, just got something in my eye.
Fraser: Ah.
Well, if you pull your lower eyelid out and fold it over
your--
Francesca: I’ll
be okay. [exits,
near tears]
Ray: Let’s go.
This guy’s the killer.
Fraser: How do
we know he’s the killer?
Ray: Two
supposed dead guys show up in more or less the same place
and one of ‘em gets a knife in the back and you think
somebody else did it?
Fraser: Well,
it could have been a deranged accountant.
Ray: That is so
stupid. A deranged accountant? That’s like saying a raging
librarian.
Francesca, can you, uh, run Calhoon for me and see all you
can get on the Wailing Yankee?
Francesca:
[flatly]
Yeah.
Fraser:
Francesca? Could you...
[holds up finger;
then to
Kowalski]
The other evidence.
Ray: I was
gonna hold onto that.
Fraser: Ray, it
is evidence.
Fraser:
Francesca, are your eyes all right?
Francesca:
Perfect.
Fraser: Good. I
wonder if you wouldn’t mind just checking this serial
number for us?
Francesca:
Gold. [exits,
muttering]
This could have been made into hundreds of wedding
bands.
Fraser: Dief,
we have to step out for a couple of minutes. Could you do
me a favor and just keep an eye on Francesca?
[Dief barks & jumps around enthusiastically]
Fraser : Hurts my feelings.
[docks]
Ray:
[flashing
Calhoon’s
picture] Anyone
seen this guy? Seen him? How about you? You know this guy?
Anyone?
[Fraser walks over to another group of
men]
Fraser:
Gentlemen, good day.
Man 1: What
kind of outfit is that?
Fraser: My name
is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted
Police.
Man 2: Oh,
yeah? What brings you here?
Fraser: Well, I
first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my
father.
Man 1: And
what? You just stayed?
Fraser: As a
matter of fact, I did, yes, attached as liaison with the
Canadian consulate.
Man 2:
Interesting.
Fraser: Thank
you. Thank you kindly. I wonder if I could trouble you
gentlemen to tell me about the ghost ship?
Men: No. I
don’t think so. [all
start walking away]
Man 2 : Don’t pay to talk about ghosts. Those that do are bound to see them. [exits]
Man
1
: And those that see them are doomed to sleep on the
bottom of the ocean.
[exits]
Ray: Wow, that
Canadian charm is working overtime today, Fraser.
Fraser: These
men are afraid, Ray.
Ray: Yeah,
nobody saw anything.
Fraser
: [spots Blind
Lew]
Perhaps he did.
Ray: Is that a
joke, Fraser? Cause that’s not funny. That’s not at all
sensitive or Mountie-like. That’s completely rude.
Fraser: Can I
borrow your gun?
Ray: What
for?
Fraser: You’ll
see. Excuse me, sir.
[points gun right
in
Lew’s
face]
Lew: Whoa! Oh!
Oh!
Ray: He’s not
blind.
Fraser: No, he
is not.
Ray: How’d you
know that?
Fraser: It’s
the involuntary movement of the pupils. It’s a dead
giveaway.
Lew: I was born
blind. My eyesight’s slowly getting better.
Ray: Yeah,
right, pal. Do ya know this guy?
Lew: Never
clapped eyes on him.
Ray: Oh, that’s
too bad, cause if you helped us out we wouldn’t have to
arrest you for impersonating a blind
guy.
Hey! Drop the act!
Lew: I seen him
around the Albatross.
Fraser: Do you
recall anything he happened to say?
Lew: He talked
about the Mackenzie. Said he’d seen the ghost ship
prowling around the waters near Six Fathom Shoal. It’s not
something you want to hear. Didn’t go by the name of
Calhoon, by the way. Called himself Vic Hester.
Okay?
Fraser: Thank
you.
Lew: Okay? Can
I go?
[cell phone
rings]
Ray:
Yeah?
Francesca: Hey,
Ray, it’s me. You know that guy Andy you’re looking
for?
Ray:
Yeah?
Francesca: He’s
got a longer rap sheet than your guy Billy.
Ray: Yeah,
Frannie, what?
Francesca:
Attempted murder, assault, nasty stuff.
Ray: Okay,
thanks, Frannie.
Francesca:
Yeah. Oh, and hey! I checked out some of the other guys on
the Wailing Yankee.
Everybody in it
has a long sheet.
Ray: That’s
queer. Who owns it?
Francesca: I
found out his name is Gilbert Wallace. He’s the president
of Illinois Lake Freight.
[Illinois Lake
Freight]
Ray: What do
you mean it’s not unusual? That was like the Con Air of
boats.
Wallace: Look,
we hire sailors. We don’t kill ourselves checking their
morals.
Fraser: Well,
sir, of the 30 crew members you had, 29 of them had
serious criminal records.
Ray: And the
other one we haven’t tracked yet.
Fraser: That
would seem to be a much higher proportion than could be
accounted for by the law of averages.
Wallace: You go
to the Union Hall, you get what you get.
Ray: What do
you know about Vic Hester?
Wallace: As I
said before, nothing. I knew none of these men. Now if you
gentlemen will excuse me, I got work to do.
Fraser: We
understand. Thank you kindly for your time.
[they
exit]
Ray: Do not do
that, Fraser!
Fraser: Do
what?
Ray: Cut me off
like that! I was going on my gut. When your partner’s
going on his gut, you got to go with the flow, you got to
let it ride, you got to...
[walks the other
way]
Fraser: Ray.
Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray.
Ray:
What?!
Fraser: The
car’s this way.
Ray: Right.
Car’s this way. I knew that.
Fraser: Wallace
said he hired the crew from the Union Hall.
Ray: Yeah?
So?
Fraser: Vic
Hester may be looking for work.
Ray: Then we’d
better go to the Union Hall.
Fraser: So
we’re still partners, then?
Ray: Look, the
problem is we’re stale. Like bread or something. You know,
maybe it is time for a change.
Fraser: I
imagine you’ll be taking that transfer then.
Ray: And you’ll
take yours.
[Union
Hall]
Woman: No...
No... No... Aha. Henry Allen.
Ray: Henry
Allen? Another alias.
Fraser: No, I
think she’s referring to a ship, Ray.
Woman: Yeah.
Sailing from
Sault Sainte Marie
at 9 in the morning. Your guy’s on it.
Fraser: Thank
you kindly.
[outside; maze of
crates and pallets]
Fraser: Well if
I had a sextant, Ray, I could locate the vehicle in a
heartbeat.
Ray: Mr.
Sextant, I told you exactly where the car was.
Fraser: Yes,
you did, but we’ve been walking around in circles for the
last five minutes. I think it’s to the right.
Ray: To the
right of what? That’s not a description of where the
car--
Fraser : To the right of where we--
[several men come out of the shadows and jump
them]
Man: Don’t go
looking for the Mackenzie!
[Kowalski & Fraser land a few good punches; attackers run away]
Ray : Come on!
[Kowalski picks up his gun, stands, and sighs]
Ray
: Look, Fraser, there’s the car. Right by the boat. Right
where I told you.
Fraser: I think
we’re onto something, Ray.
Ray: Oh, yeah.
Like getting killed. Look, I may be damaged, Fraser, but
I’m not stupid. There’s more to life than dying.
Robert Fraser:
Partnership is like a marriage, son. Give and take, up and
down, who left the empty butter dish in the fridge. It
isn’t easy.
Fraser: No, it
isn’t.
Robert Fraser:
Buck
Frobisher
and I were a team, maybe the best team the North has ever
known. One day we fell out, and it all but destroyed
us.
Fraser: What
did you do?
Robert Fraser:
We swallowed our pride for the greater good. Someone is
using a brave ship’s name for an evil purpose, and you’ve
got to stop them. You need the Yank. Swallow the pride,
son.
[exits]
Fraser:
Ray--
Ray: Look!
Fraser, I know what you’re gonna say. You give me a
reason. You give me
one reason why
we should risk our skinny asses chasing the Robert
Mackenzie. That is way out of our jurisdiction. We have no
authorization. Okay?
Fraser: On
November 1st 1969, the Robert Mackenzie left a
pier in Thunder Bay carrying 28,110 long tons of
high-sulfur coal, bound for the steel mills in Detroit.
She was 810 feet long, 80 feet wide, crewed by 32 men and
captained by Scottie Phillips. No one on board could have
known they were headed into a gale known as the Witch of
November. By 2 a.m. on the 2nd the seas were
already running at 20 feet. The winds were gusting at 50
miles an hour. At 3:13, the Mackenzie radioed her sister
ship, the Phoenix, to say she’d taken a wave over the
wheelhouse, knocking out her radar. She was blind in the
water, navigating by dead reckoning. Captain Phillips
decided to head south to the shelter of
Bete
Grise
Bay by way of Keweenaw Point. But by then the seas were
running over 40 feet. Winds were blowing at 100 miles an
hour. At 4:23 a wave broke, exposing a mountain of rock
known as Six Fathom Shoal. And time stopped. The Mackenzie
hit the shoal broadside, cutting her in half. The stern
was still under full power and it rammed the bow, crushing
men on metal as they were caught
midship
scrambling for lifeboats. It hit the bow three times
before it finally drove it under. And then the stern
continued into the night, all its lights blazing, fires
burning from the ruptured boilers, like some kind of
headless beast. Captain Phillips’ last transmission to the
Phoenix read, ‘32 down on the Robert Mackenzie.’
[pause]
Ray: All right.
Say we drive like hell, I mean, put the pedal to the
metal. Can we get to
Sault Sainte Marie
and get on the Henry Anderson before she sails?
Fraser: Allen.
Henry Allen. Yes.
Ray: Right,
Allen...Go.
<Thirty-two Down on the Robert Mackenzie>
[music: ‘Robert Mackenzie’ (instrumental) by Paul Gross]
[Henry Allen; crew preparing for sail; Kowalski & Fraser arrive & board the ship. Music: ‘Mountie on the Bounty’ (Original Score)]
[Henry Allen
bridge]
Smithers: All
ahead one-third.
[ship departs]
[captain’s
quarters]
Smithers: Good
to see you, Benton boy.
Fraser: Yes,
and you too, sir.
Smithers: Stirs
up memories.
Ray: Wait a
minute, Fraser. You know this guy?
Fraser: Yes.
Captain Smithers is an old friend of my father’s. As a
matter of fact, he taught me how to tie my first knot.
[Smithers tosses him
a
rope]
Oh, dear.
[ties it quickly & throws it back to
Smithers]
Smithers: Yeah,
double clove and half hitch. Tie a knot in his tail to
hold the devil down.
Ray: Does
everybody in Canada know everybody?
Fraser:
No.
Smithers: Old
Bob Fraser.
Robert Fraser:
[passing by outside
the
porthole]
Old! Who’s he calling old?! I’ve been dead for years and I
still look twice as good as he does!
Smithers: Yeah,
we go back a long way, me and Bob. Hmm. I saved his life
in a bar fight once in, uh...
Robert Fraser:
Skagway.
Smithers:
Skagway – how did you know that? Oh yeah, your father told
you. In ‘59.
Robert Fraser:
That’s a crock!
Smithers: Yeah.
Bart Anderson got liquored up and came after him with a
harpoon.
Robert Fraser:
It was a small pocket knife!
Smithers:
Luckily, I got between him and your dad.
Robert Fraser:
He sure did. He was as goggle-eyed as old Bart. I had to
throw them in the brig to sleep it off.
Smithers: Those
were the days.
Ray:
<ahem> I
hate to interrupt memories, but we think you might have a
killer on board.
Smithers: In my
crew?
Fraser: In your
crew, sir.
Smithers: Well,
son, you show me the maggot and I’ll take him apart like
that Moor in the Dardanelles! By God, I’ll throw him in
the brig!
Ray: You got a
brig?
Smithers:
Well... No.
Robert Fraser:
There! You see? He wouldn’t be able to tell the truth if
his life depended on it!
[Smithers shuts the
porthole right in Robert’s face]
Smithers: It’s
cold in here.
Fraser: Sir, we
don’t think that there’s any pressing need to disassemble
this man. At the moment, he’s just a suspect. We would
like to observe him, unobtrusively.
Smithers:
Unobtrusively.
Fraser: Yes,
sir.
Smithers: How
are you going to do that?
[Henry Allen
hold]
[Fraser is shoveling coal into Kowalski’s
bucket]
Fraser: Now
that we’re out here, we’re away from the city, doing good
honest work. There’s nothing like it, is there?
Ray: Hell,
maybe.
Hester: Bad
luck having strange crew on board.
Larry:
Specially on the North Shore route.
Man: Why’s
that?
Hester: We’ll
pass by the graveyard they call Six Fathom Shoal.
Ray: Is there
anything on this ship that isn’t bad luck?
Larry: Eddie
Walters saw her last week. He was on the Bailey Madison.
The Robert Mackenzie cut across her bow. Dead men on the
deck, crying out for help.
[they kiss their hands in a warding
gesture]
Hester: I saw
it once myself. She come up on us in the night. Nothing on
the radar, and there she was. I never want to see her
again. I say we get the captain to take the south
route.
Man: Yeah, I’d
like to see you tell old Iron Bottom where to sail his
ship. He’ll have your guts for garters in a second.
Larry: Well
he’s got no call crossing us with no ghost ship.
Man: I don’t
want to see the faces of dead men staring back at me in
the middle of the night.
Larry: Jeez, I
hate ghosts.
[27th
precinct; Welsh’s office]
Welsh: Maybe
they got involved in a case and forgot to report
in.
[seen through Diefenbaker’s eyes, with subtitles (Dief’s
really more interested in Welsh’s sandwich than the
conversation)]
Thatcher:
Constable Fraser failed to fill out his daily 10989B
report.
Welsh: He
failed to fill out a report? Vecchio hasn’t done one in
three months. It’s not cause for general panic.
Turnbull: While
there was breath still in his body, Constable Fraser would
never neglect to do his paperwork. Never. No real Mountie
would.
Thatcher: Thank
you, Constable.
Welsh: Alright,
Inspector, what do you suggest we do?
Thatcher: I
think we should mount a
co-ordinated
search effort. I am offering you the entire resources of
the Canadian Consulate.
Welsh: And
those would be?
Thatcher:
Constable Turnbull and myself.
[Dief
interjects] And the wolf.
[Henry Allen; mess
hall]
Hester: Cold
night. Dark, as if the stars themselves had fled. She come
out of the fog, draped in seaweed, foul stench rolling
across the water.
Ray:
[to
Fraser]
What is this?
Fraser: Food,
Ray. Good hearty food. Just the thing after a long day’s
work.
Ray: Does it
come with instructions?
Fraser: Open
mouth. Put in.
Hester: And
when the moon broke through the clouds and shone her light
on the faces of the dead, their eyes were like the devil’s
own. Their faces were pale.
Ray:
[whispers]
(Keep ‘em occupied.)
[exits]
Fraser:
Gentlemen. There’s something I’d like to get off my
chest.
Man: What’s
that?
Fraser:
[singing]
Oh the year was 1778/
How I wish I was in Sherbrooke now/
A letter of marque came from the king/
To the scummiest vessel I’d ever seen/
Goddamn them all/
I was told we’d cruise the seas for American gold/
We’d fire no guns, shed no tears/
Now I’m a broken man on a Halifax pier/
The last of Barrett’s Privateers...
[Kowalski goes searching]
Fraser : [singing, crew is joining in] Oh, the Antelope sloop was a sickening sight/
How I wish I was in Sherbrooke now/
She’d list to the port and her sails in rags/
And the cook in the scuppers with the staggers and jags/
Goddamn them all/
[Larry gets up & leaves]
I was told we’d cruise the seas for American gold/
We’d fire no guns, shed no tears/
Now I’m a broken man on a Halifax pier/
The last of Barrett’s
Privateers...
[crewman’s cabin; Kowalski picks the lock & enters]
Fraser : [singing, crew is into it now] On the King’s birthday we put to sea/
How I wish I was in Sherbrooke now/
We were ninety-one days to Montego Bay/
Pumping like madmen all the way/
Goddamn them all/
[entire ship’s crew now sings along]
I was told we’d cruise the seas for American gold/
We’d fire no guns, shed no tears/
Now I’m a broken man on a Halifax pier/
The last of Barrett’s Privateers...
[cabin (we can still hear the
song)]
Ray:
[finds electronic
equipment]
Oh, yeah.
[there is a sound outside; Kowalski opens the door cautiously to find Larry standing right there]
Ray
: You know what’s funny? This is not the room I was
looking for. I was looking for the-the skull...the-the
top...the-the front...the--
Larry: The
head?
Ray: The head.
See, I been drinking, and I’m lost, so I just, got all...
It’s a large boat- ship...
[slowly makes his
way
out]
And I’ll just circumnavigate myself out this way, and the
head will probably be...
down...there.
[crew’s mess]
Fraser : [singing] ...Our cracked four-pounders made awful din/
But with one fat ball the Yank stove us in/
All : [singing] Goddamn them all/
I was told we’d cruise the seas for American gold/
We’d fire no guns, shed no tears/
Now I’m a broken man on a Halifax pier...
Ray
:
[whispers]
(His locker’s full of electronic gizmos and
transistors.)
All:
...The last of Barrett’s
Privateers...
Fraser : [singing] So here I lay in me twenty-third year...
All
:
[singing]
How I wish I was in
Sherbrooke
now...
Fraser:
[whispers]
(Stay here. I’ll inform the
captain.)
[sings]
It’s been six years since we sailed away/
And I just made Halifax yesterday...
All : [singing] Goddamn them all!
[Fraser exits]
All : [singing] I was told we’d cruise the seas for American gold/
We’d fire no guns, shed no tears/
Now I’m a broken man on a Halifax pier/
The last of Barrett’s Privateers!
[‘Barrett’s Privateers’ by Stan Rogers]
[27th
precinct; bullpen]
Francesca:
[on
phone]
Oooh
, that’s great!!
[hangs
up]
You, uh, okay!
[breathless &
excited]
The gold robbery! The big gold robbery!
Thatcher: What
gold robbery?
Francesca: The
big one! The big one! You know! This is from there! Ray
had this--
Welsh:
Francesca!
Thatcher: Take
a deep breath.
Francesca : Okay.
Welsh
: All right, let it out slowly.
Turnbull: And
think of the color yellow.
[all give him a
look]
Welsh: What is
it?
Francesca:
Okay. Okay. Fraser and Ray found this in the stuff of the
dead pirate.
Thatcher:
Pirate?
Welsh: The guy
with the hook, the eye patch. Billy Butler.
Francesca:
Mm-mmm
. So I just called and they traced it. *This* was part of
the big shipment that got stolen from the Chicago Federal
Reserve Bank last year.
Welsh : You’re kidding.
Dewey
: That was huge.
Huey: That was
a hundred million in gold bullion.
Welsh: Yeah,
they were seasoned pros. They killed the six guards.
Thatcher: This
is what Fraser and Ray are investigating?!
Welsh:
Apparently.
Turnbull: And
not to get lost in the shuffle, we have an excellent lead.
All we need to do is find the robbers, and we’ll find
Constable Fraser!
[all give him
another look]
[Henry
Allen]
[Kowalski picks the lock on another door, opens it, and gets knocked out; Larry & Hester drag him into a storage room and take his gun, tape his mouth, and handcuff him to a wheel on the floor]
[bridge]
Smithers: Ah,
Constable Fraser. I thought you were undercover.
Fraser: Well, I
was. [motions to
crewman standing right there]
Smithers. Oh.
Sorry about that.
Fraser: That’s
not really important anymore. What is important is that I
have reason to believe that someone has tampered with your
radar.
Smithers: My
radar? It looks all right.
Fraser:
Nevertheless, I think...
Smithers:
Huh?
Fraser: Can you
manipulate this image?
Smithers:
Sure.
Fraser: Can you
make it seem further out?
Smithers: Yeah.
[does so]
Fraser: Looks
like the head of a dog.
[compares it to the
sketch he made in the morgue]
Smithers: Yes,
you’re right. It does. It looks like a golden
retriever.
Fraser : Could be a Labrador.
Smithers : Or a Doberman--
Fraser : Doberman.
Smithers
: Yeah.
Fraser: It’s
also a motive for murder.
Smithers:
What?
Fraser: It’s
also a motive for murder.
Crewman: Ship!
Ship in the water! Dead ahead!
Smithers: No
sign of it on the radar screen.
Crewman2: She’s
a ghost! It’s the Mackenzie! The Robert Mackenzie!
Smithers: No,
stop blithering, you idiot!
[crew is alarmed at
the large ship that looms ahead]
[bridge]
Robert Fraser:
See what I mean, son? There’s something funny about this
whole setup. Those are the worst looking ghosts I’ve ever
seen.
Smithers: Don’t
look too good.
Robert Fraser:
What’s wrong with them?
Fraser: Well,
theoretically they’re dead.
Robert Fraser:
Well I’m dead. There’s nothing wrong with me. Look at
them.
Smithers : They look pale.
Robert
Fraser
: Look at me. I’m pink.
Fraser: They’re
draped in seaweed.
Smithers:
Helmsman! Helmsman!
Fraser: Are you
all right?
Robert Fraser:
Yeah, I’m fine.
Smithers:
Helmsman! Lash down the wheel, Benton. I’ll deal with the
crew.
Fraser: Lash
down the wheel?
Smithers: Use a
running bowline.
Fraser: Running
bowline, running bowline, running bowline.
Robert Fraser:
You know what this is, son. You know what this is.
Fraser: What is
it?
Robert Fraser:
The rabbit comes out of the hole, runs around the tree,
goes back in the hole and... No, no, no, wait, wait, wait,
wait. You know what it is?
Robert
Fraser
: It’s not a rabbit. It’s a squirrel, because it goes up
the tree. And it’s a squirrel because the tail is longer,
meaning the end of the rope. And it doesn’t go back in the
hole.
Fraser: Of
course it doesn’t go in the hole. It’s a squirrel.
Robert Fraser:
Exactly.
Fraser: Well,
what does the squirrel
do?
[deck]
Smithers
: Off my bridge!
Hester: All you
got to do is head south, stay out of Robert Mackenzie
territory!
Smithers: She’s
my ship. I’ll head her anywhere I damn well please, you
mutinous, scab-sided, scum-sucking son of a
poxy
sea witch!
Larry: You shut
up! You do what he says! We ain’t crossing no ghost
ship!
[crew agreeing
loudly]
Smithers: I’ll
hang you from the nearest yardarm before I turn this
ship!
Hester: You
going to let him get us all killed?
Man: It
wouldn’t hurt to turn the ship...
[shouts of
agreement]
Smithers: You
get back to your station and do what I tell you or I’ll
gut you like herring! I’ll tear you apart like I
disassembled that Moor in the Dardanelles!
[crew shouts and
scuffles]
Fraser: It is
not a ghost ship!
[he’s back in his
red serge]
Hester: Don’t
listen to him!
Fraser: It’s
the Wailing Yankee disguised to look like the Robert
Mackenzie.
Larry: He’s
lying!
Fraser: And the
crew are not ghosts. They are criminals.
Hester: How
come she didn’t show up on the radar then, huh?
Fraser: Because
you tampered with the radar. He also killed a man in
Chicago, a man who was carrying a map that pinpointed a
location roughly 30 miles east of here.
Hester: I
never killed anybody!
Fraser: He
killed that man to prevent him from revealing that
location, a location so secret that they invented a phony
ghost ship to scare people off.
Smithers: Are
you going to side with this cowardly murdering scum?
Fraser: Will
you side with those who would destroy the reputation of
the men who sailed the Robert Mackenzie?
Man: How do we
know you’re telling the truth?
Smithers: Look
at him. He’s a Mountie.
Men: It’s the
hat...Yeah, yeah, he’s a Mountie...Yeah, he’s a
Mountie...Has to be...
Smithers:
[to
Fraser]
Now what?
Fraser: Stay
your course.
Smithers: All
right you miserable sons of...
[all move below, and separate out the bad
guys]
Fraser: Tell me
where my partner is.
Hester: Why
should we tell you?
Fraser: Because
it’s the right thing to do.
Robert Fraser:
Now this is why you need the Yank, so he can threaten them
with force. Tell them he’s going to kick them in the head
or jump
bogart
all over them or one of those other colorful expressions
he’s so fond of.
Fraser: I can
do that.
Robert Fraser:
Oh, they would never believe you, son.
Fraser: Well,
they might.
Robert Fraser:
Well, give it a try.
Fraser: So I
shall. [to Hester
and Larry]
Tell me where my partner is, or I will kick you in the
heads.
Larry:
Really?
Fraser:
[pause]
Ah, no. Not-not really.
Smithers: Ghost
ship dead ahead, Benton!
Fraser: Stay
your course. There’s nothing they can do to you.
Smithers:
Right.
[Wailing Yankee
opens fire with cannons; the ship is rocked]
Fraser: Oh,
dear.
Smithers:
Abandon ship!!
[Music: ‘Sophia’s Pipes’ by Ashley MacIsaac ]
[pandemonium as crew prepares to abandon ship]
Smithers
: [to
Fraser]
By rights, I should be last off.
Fraser: But I
can’t leave, sir.
Smithers: She’s
a big ship. You may not find him.
Fraser: He’s my
partner. I have to try.
Smithers: Well,
good luck, Benton.
Fraser: Thank
you, sir. [Smithers
exits]
Robert Fraser:
I’m glad to see the back of him. You could be in some
trouble, son.
Fraser: You may
be right.
[Henry Allen; below
deck, Fraser searches]
Fraser : Ray? Ray! Ray? Ray? Ray! [finds him] Ray! Are you all right?
Ray : [nods] Mmm!
Fraser : I’m gonna have to remove your tape.
Ray : [nods] Mmm!
Fraser : It’s probably easier if I do it fast.
Ray : [shakes head] Mmm!
Fraser : You’d prefer that I do it slowly?
Ray : [nods slowly] Mmm.
[Fraser rips off the gag
quickly]
Ray:
Ahh
!
God!
Okay, I’ll kill them. Where are they?
Fraser: Well,
they’re in a lifeboat.
Ray: A
lifeboat.
Fraser: Well,
yes. The ship is sinking.
Ray: Yeah. Ship
is sinking.
[*crash*]
[Kowalski begins to panic]
Ray
: Okay, the ship’s sinking!
Fraser: Ray.
Ray. Ray. Ray. Calm down. Calm down. We need your
keys.
Ray: What
keys?
Fraser: The
keys to your handcuffs.
Ray: The keys
to my handcuffs. Let me think...
[storage room; water is rapidly rising – it’s up to Kowalski’s neck]
Ray
: Left jacket pocket. Now I remember, left jacket pocket.
[Fraser retrieves
keys]
No, those are the keys to my old car. Right jacket
pocket.
[Fraser finds keys
and goes through
them]
Apartment. Old apartment. Locker. Don’t know. Don’t
know.
Fraser: You
know, Ray, you really should try to keep your things a
little more organized.
Ray: Look,
Fraser, this is the wrong time for advice on
neatness.
Fraser: It may
be the wrong time for advice, Ray, but it’s never the
wrong time for neatness.
Ray: Those guys
must have taken the key.
Fraser: It
would seem likely.
Ray: So. You
got another plan?
Fraser:
You
betcha
I do. I’m going to pick the lock.
Ray: Pick the
lock. That’s good, Fraser. That’s very good. Come on, come
on.
Fraser: Here, I
want you to put your head under this bucket.
Ray: Thanks,
Fraser. I guess.
[Fraser unsuccessfully tries to pick the handcuffs
lock]
Fraser:
Ray.
Ray:
Fraser!
Fraser:
Ray.
Ray:
Fraser!
Fraser:
Ray!
Ray: Fraser!
Fraser! Fraser!
[Fraser ducks underneath the bucket and puts his hand over
Kowalski’s
mouth]
Fraser:
[quietly]
Ray, please. You have to stop yelling. The echo in here is
just... Well, it’s really jarring.
Ray:
Mmmm
!
Fraser: Oh,
sorry.
Ray: Get my
gun.
Fraser: Oh. I
imagine you would like me to shoot off your
handcuffs.
Ray: Yeah,
sometime this week would be nice, Fraser.
[Fraser ducks underwater & searches Kowalski’s holster]
Ray
: Not--
Fraser:
[surfacing]
Your gun is gone.
Ray: Not that
gun. My boot gun, my boot gun.
Fraser: Boot
gun, right. [ducks
underwater & retrieves it;
resurfaces]
Ready?
Ray:
Ready.
Fraser: All
right.
[Fraser ducks underwater and shoots Kowalski’s handcuffs
apart]
Ray:
Ahh
!
[pants
loudly]
See?! This is
why we’re getting stale, Fraser.
Communication.
We’re not doing it.
Fraser: What
are you talking about? I thought we communicated
remarkably well considering you had a bucket over your
head.
Ray: Yeah,
well, it’s gotta be more like instinct, like
breathing.
Fraser: Ray,
that door, I’m not sure that--
Ray:
What?!
Fraser: All
right, Mr. Instinct!
Ray: Right.
[Kowalski opens door and a torrent rushes in]
<Thirty-two Down on the Robert Mackenzie>
[27th
precinct]
Welsh: This was
a big heist, gentlemen, which means there was a big team.
Let’s pound the docks with pictures of this Wailing Yankee
crew. If we shake everything down maybe we’ll come up with
a couple more dead guys.
Dewey: Sir,
what if we shake some gold while we’re at it?
Huey: Yeah.
There was. I mean, there was a lot of gold.
Dewey
: Yeah.
Welsh: If you
find gold before you find Vecchio and Fraser, I’m going to
load it into your pants and drop you into the lake. Keep
your eye on the prize, gentlemen. We got officers out
there. They might need a lifeline.
[Henry Allen; Fraser
& Kowalski are chest-deep in water]
Ray: I paid 300
bucks – 300 bucks for this stupid thing, and it doesn’t
even work.
Fraser: Well,
you know, generally speaking, water and electronics are
not a good mix.
Ray: Generally
speaking.
Fraser: Yeah.
Oh, well, look at that!
Ray: It’s a
fish.
Fraser: Yeah.
It’s an encouraging sign.
Ray: That’s not
a sign, Fraser, it’s a fish.
Fraser: Well,
it’s a trout, to be exact, which is a sign that the water
quality of the Great Lakes is actually returning.
Ray: Look, why
are you arguing with me, Fraser? It’s not a sign, it’s a
fish! That means the boat’s sinking and we’re dying!
Fraser: Well,
yes, it’s a sign of that also.
[Kowalski shakes the phone, hits his head against the
door]
Ray: Ow.
Fraser! I got a signal!
[27th
precinct; Frannie’s desk]
Francesca:
[answers
phone]
Detective Division....It’s them! It’s them!
Welsh: Get ‘em
on speaker!
Francesca:
Where are you guys?
Ray:
...sink...somewhere...
[signal breaking
up]
Welsh: What
sink?
Turnbull
: Kitchen sink perhaps?
Thatcher: Where
is your sink?
Ray
:
...sink...sink...
[Henry
Allen]
Ray: We’re
sink-
ing
!
Fraser: Give
them the coordinates, Ray. I think we’re roughly 47
degrees latitude.
Ray: 47 degrees
latitude!
Fraser: 85
degrees longitude.
[27th
precinct]
Ray:
[voice]
85....longi
....got...
Welsh: Write
that down!
Ray:
[voice]
47....85...
Turnbull: Uh,
5-8-7-4. Got it.
Thatcher:
4-7-8-5! [to
Welsh]
Dyslexia.
Welsh:
Ray!
[Henry
Allen]
Ray: Got that??
Got-- Battery’s dead.
[throws away
phone]
[27th
precinct]
Thatcher: A
license plate?
Welsh: Phone
number? Part of a phone number?
Francesca:
There’s a 478 exchange in Chicago!
Welsh: Get a
reverse directory. Get somebody on it right away. Dial
every number with that prefix.
Thatcher:
That’s kind of a long shot.
Francesca:
Yeah, there could be thousands of numbers. Who’s going to
take on a job as revolting and tedious as that?
[all look at
Turnbull]
[Henry
Allen]
Fraser: You
wouldn’t happen to have a screwdriver, do you, Ray?
Ray: No, not on
me, Fraser.
Fraser: Oh.
That’s too bad.
Ray: Yeah,
well, I left my garage in my other pants.
Fraser: All
right. Mental note: Equip myself with a portable
waterproof all-purpose toolkit.
[pulls out knife & removes ceiling panel; Fraser pulls himself into an air vent, and has to fish Kowalski out of the water & up with him]
Fraser
: Ray. Ray.
Ray!
[air duct]
Ray : It’s as dark as sin in here.
[Fraser lights a match]
Ray
: Your matches still work?
Fraser: Yeah,
they’re waterproof. It’s standard issue for every Mountie.
[blows out
match]
Ray: They don’t
last very long. Come on, light another one.
Fraser: I think
we should save the others for an emergency.
Ray: And this
is what, a recreational swim?
Fraser: Well,
Ray, you know, any situation can
deterioraaaaaaaate
!
*SPLASH*
*SPLASH*
[they fall out of the duct into a water-filled room]
Fraser
: Oh, dear.
Ray:
What?
Fraser: I think
we’re trapped.
[docks]
Dewey:
Anything? Next pier.
Huey: Hey, what
if you ran into a pile of gold? What would you do with
it?
Dewey: Well
that’s a snap. I’d get a storefront, in a strip mall
somewhere, open up a comedy club, call it the Ad-Lib or
the One-Liner.
Huey: A strip
mall?
Dewey: Yeah. I
mean, it’s not big time but at least you get a steady flow
of business.
Huey:
Yeah?
Dewey:
Yeah.
Huey: Okay. Do
one.
Dewey:
What?
Huey: Do a
one-liner.
Hooker: You
boys looking for a date? Tommy! How’s it going?
Dewey: Ah,
pretty good. Hey, listen, you want to do me a favor? Just
look at these photographs for us. Just take your
time.
[hooker gets into the backseat]
Huey
: You know her?
Dewey: High
school. She’s grown up.
[Henry
Allen]
[Fraser swims back to a waiting, shivering
Kowalski]
Fraser: All
right. We have to go this way.
Ray: Come on,
Fraser, hang on a second! A hundred and fifty yards under
water?
Fraser: Well,
it’s meters, actually.
Ray: Meters,
yards, you think my lungs know the difference?
Fraser: It’s
our only option.
Ray: That’s an
option?
Fraser: Well,
no.
Ray: No? What
kind of logic is that?
Fraser: Well,
it’s logic of a kind.
Ray: How?
Fraser: Well,
sort of like a strange loop. It’s like
Godel’s
Theorem.
Ray:
Who’s
Godel
?
Godel
? Who the hell is
Godel
?
Fraser:
Godel
is a German mathematician who founded this theorem that,
loosely translated, means, uh... everything I say is a
lie.
Ray: So
everything he said was a lie.
Fraser: Right.
Except that what he just said was the truth.
Ray: So
everything he said was a lie and the truth at the same
time.
Fraser:
Exactly, see, it loops back in on itself.
Ray: A loop. I
see. This I get, this is blood. I can go with this.
Fraser: Right.
Well, it’s also a function of logic.
Ray: Logic!
See? There you go again! You always got to take it one
step further, right? One step over the line!
Fraser: Why are
you yelling at me?
Ray: I am not
yelling!
Fraser: You are
yelling!
Ray: I’m not
yelling!
Fraser: You are
yelling at me!
Ray: I can’t...
I can’t swim.
Fraser: Right.
Right. Well, then, a quick lesson is probably what’s
called for right now. Okay, coat off. I want you to try to
think about, uh...think of yourself as a flower that opens
by day and then it closes down at night. All right? So
think, bloom, close, bloom, close.
Ray: Right,
okay. What do I do with my feet?
Fraser: Just
kick.
Kick as though you were interviewing a suspect. You ready?
Big breath.
[they swim down a long water-filled corridor... a
heartbeat sounds; Kowalski gets tangled, the heartbeats
get faster, and Fraser comes back & straightens him
out; Kowalski has trouble & floats off, the heartbeats
get faster, and Fraser comes back and gives
mouth-to-mouth, and the heartbeats slow; they go through a
door; Kowalski gets tangled again, the heartbeats get much
faster... Fraser comes back to free him, and pushes him
quickly to the surface]
Ray: What was
that, Fraser?!
Fraser: What
was what?
Ray: That thing
you were doing with your mouth.
Fraser: Oh,
that. That’s buddy breathing. You seemed to be in a bit of
a, well, having a problem, I have excess lung capacity,
so...
Ray: Buddy
breathing.
Fraser:
Standard procedure.
Ray: Good.
Okay. All right. Nothing’s, like, changed or anything,
right?
Fraser:
No.
Ray:
Okay.
Fraser:
Yeah.
Ray:
Thanks.
Fraser: You’re
thanking me?
Ray: Look,
don’t get too excited, Fraser. The jury’s still out on
this partnership thing, okay?
Fraser: Oh,
well, don’t worry, Mr. Instinct, I’m not excited.
[sparks fly & Kowalski ducks under water]
Fraser : Yikes.
[apartment building
hallway; ringing phone goes unanswered]
Dewey: So what
would you do if you came across a pile of gold?
Huey: Me?
Dewey:
Yeah.
Huey: I’d get
one of those drum machines, plug it in. They got the whole
kit on them. You know, bass, snare, cymbals, and you can
program patterns and stuff. You know, rhythm
patterns.
Dewey:
Really?
Huey: Oh, yeah,
it’s very cool.
[knocks on apartment
door]
Dewey: So, like
a traveling DJ sort of?
Huey: Yeah,
sort of.
Dewey:
Cool.
[Guy (John Thomas) opens door; Huey flashes his badge, Thomas slams the door; Huey goes in through front door, Dewey takes off around the corner & through back door, and apprehends him]
Dewey : Take it real easy, buddy, that’s it.
[Henry
Allen]
Ray: Fire
extinguishers?
Fraser: You
bet, Ray. It should make an excellent propellant.
Ray: Fraser,
you done this kind of thing before?
Fraser: Well
no, not precisely. Although there was one occasion when I
was underneath a drilling platform in a fjord just south
of Clyde River.
Ray: Come on,
Fraser, just tell me the truth. Just say, I’m going to
endanger your life, Ray, my friend, I’m going to endanger
your life in a wildly bizarre way.
Fraser: All
right. Ray, my friend, I’m going to endanger your life in
a wildly bizarre way. Step back. Follow me.
<Thirty-two Down on the Robert Mackenzie>
[they swim to an open area & shoot out of the water,
and go flying into the
sky]
Ray:
Ahh
!
Fraser, this hurts my head!
Fraser: You’ve
just got to get streamlined, Ray.
Ray: How do you
streamline your head?
Fraser:
Practice.
Ray: How do you
practice something like that?
Fraser:
Holy
moly
, look at that. It’s a golden eagle.
Ray: Ah,
Fraser, we’re slowing down.
Fraser: Yep.
That’d be gravity.
Ray: And
now?
Fraser: Now
we’re falling. Big breath.
Ray:
Three.
Fraser:
Two.
Ray &
Fraser:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
!
*SPLASH*
Fraser: Well
that was exciting, wasn’t it?
Ray: Real
exciting, Fraser. I can’t swim!
Fraser: Well,
what do you call what you’re doing right now?
Ray: I’m
praying in water.
Fraser: Well,
it looks as though your prayers might have been answered.
Look. We found the criminals. Okay, come on. Bloom, close,
kick ‘em in the head. Bloom, close, kick ‘em in the head.
Bloom, close, kick ‘em in the head.
[27th
precinct]
Welsh: All
right, what do we know about this guy?
Huey: John
Thomas a.k.a. Tommy John a.k.a. Jimmy Toms. Done time for
armed robbery and assault.
Dewey: He was a
weapons expert, served with the 82nd Airborne.
Specialty in explosives and tunnels.
Thatcher:
Perfect for the Federal Reserve job.
Welsh: All
right. Go check his apartment out.
[Duck boys
exit]
Look, I’m not waiting for a lawyer on this. We’re going to
go in there like we know the full sheet. We’re going to
grill the snot out of him.
Francesca:
Yeah, let’s kick some--
Welsh:
Uhp
. Francesca, you’re not official.
Francesca: Well
neither is she.
[interrogation
room]
Thomas: Hey
come on, you can’t grill me with two chicks, foxes though
they might be. I got rights.
Welsh: Yeah, we
got two missing cops out there. You got no rights,
pal.
Thomas: You
didn’t even Miranda me.
Thatcher: We’re
not looking for a conviction. We just want some
information.
Francesca: And
we are not playing games, ashtray.
Thomas:
Ashtray?
Francesca:
We’re here to get some information. And we’re gonna get
that information.
Thomas: Get out
of my face.
Francesca: You
know, you-you-you don’t seem to understand that there are
people out there that we care about, hair bottle!
Thomas: Hair
bottle?
Francesca: And
we’re not going to let a little piece of melon like you
get in our way. Do you understand?
Thomas:
Melon?
Thatcher: You
know what she means.
Thomas: No, I
don’t. Melon? Ashtray? Hair bottle? What kind of talk is
this? Is this some kind of code?
[Wailing
Yankee]
[Fraser & Kowalski pull themselves onto the ship, then
hide behind a piling to avoid being
seen]
Ray:
[whispers]
(What the hell is that guy wearing on his head?)
Fraser: (I
think it’s his ghost disguise.)
[27th
precinct]
[Dewey knocks on the interrogation room
door]
Welsh: What do
ya got?
Dewey: We found
a pay stub under his mattress.
Huey: The
Illinois Lake Freight company.
Dewey: The
guy’s been working for them a year and a half after he
went down on their ship.
Welsh: Take a
lesson. That’s real dedication.
Dewey:
Yep.
[Frannie’s
desk]
Welsh: Gilbert
Wallace. CEO, president, and chief bottle washer. Illinois
Lake Freight. I want to know everything about Mr. Wallace
and his company. Everything.
Huey: You got
it, Lieutenant.
[Welsh
exits]
Dewey: You know
what?
Huey:
Mm-hmm?
Dewey: I think
we should work together.
Huey: We do
work together.
Dewey: No, I
mean on the other stuff. Like, say, you get your drum
machine, I get my one-liner.
Huey:
Yeah.
Dewey: You
know, I do the zinger, you do the rim shot.
Huey: Yeah,
okay, so we’d go, uh...
Dewey: It would
go, like, “Ladies and gentlemen, my wife is so--”
Huey:
Ba-dum
pshh
, like that?
Dewey: You have
to wait for the joke to finish.
[Wailing
Yankee]
[Larry & Hester/Calhoon are leading the bound Henry Allen crew along the deck]
Larry : [into radio] Yep. Yeah, we got ‘em all under control.
Smithers : ...take you apart like I did that Moor in the Dardanelles!
[Kowalski & Fraser rappel down from the deck into the
hold, and hide behind 50-gallon
drums]
Hester:
[into
radio]
We better get a move-on. If they got off a distress signal
the Coast
Guard’ll
be moving in soon....No, we got a couple of hours at
least. Canadian budget cuts.
Fraser:
[whispers]
(Some kind of salvage operation.)
Hester: They’re
not going to go quiet.
Wallace: No,
but they will go. And this time they’ll go down with their
ship. What about the cops?
Hester: Lying
on the bottom.
Ray: (What are
they saying?)
Fraser:
(They’re out of my range. We have to try to get
closer.)
Ray: (Why? Why
are we even on this tub in the first place? There we were,
having a leisurely swim, doing the bloom-close,
bloom-close--)
Fraser : Shh-shh.
[thug
approaches]
Fraser: (I
think we can divert him if I, on the count of
three--)
[Kowalski punches the guy out]
Fraser : (Or, well, yeah, do it your way.)
[Fraser unscrews the cap on a
drum]
Ray: (What are
you doing?)
Fraser:
(Checking the cargo.)
Ray: (It’s
oil!)
[Fraser dips his pinky into the cap, tastes, & spits]
Ray
: (What, you found something you can’t eat?)
Fraser: (It’s
oil laced with PCBs, probably from discarded
transformers.)
Ray: (You can
taste all that?)
Fraser: (Well,
naturally I try to keep informed of threats to the
environment.)
Ray: (Oh,
naturally.)
Fraser: (Come
on.)
[27th
precinct]
Welsh: All
right, we got a gold robbery. Then we have a freight
company. And we got a real dead guy, map carved on chest,
could be pirate, down in the basement. We got a crew made
up of the undead. Now can you tell me how this stuff
possibly fits together?
Thatcher: Let’s
start with the pirate.
Welsh: Patch,
hook, he’s got everything.
Thatcher: I see
your progress leaves something to be desired,
Constable.
[Turnbull has phone strapped to his ear & looks
beleaguered]
Turnbull: Well,
with only four numbers, sir, yes.
Thatcher:
Constable, four numbers are more than sufficient to
locate-- Four numbers?
Turnbull: Four
tiny little ordinals. 4-7-8-5.
Thatcher: You
said he had a map?
Welsh: Yeah,
carved right in his chest.
Thatcher: It’s
not a phone number. It’s coordinates!
Welsh:
Coordinates?
Thatcher: Map
coordinates! He’s giving us map coordinates! We need a
map.
Welsh: Somebody
get me a map!
Thatcher:
4-7-8-5. That’s Lake Superior. Get a map of the
lake!
[Wailing Yankee;
hold]
[Fraser is tasting stuff
again]
Ray: (Do you
have to do that?)
Fraser: (Very
high arsenic content.)
Ray: (Fraser,
spit it out!)
Fraser: (Well
no, you know, a little bit of arsenic can’t hurt you,
Ray.)
[a thug approaches Fraser from behind, and he punches the guy out]
Fraser
: (I think this entire ship is a floating toxic
dump.)
Ray: (This is
all about garbage?)
Fraser: (The
illegal disposal of toxic waste is a lucrative criminal
activity.)
[Kowalski lifts a
tarp to find stacks of bullion]
Ray
: Does that look like garbage to you, Fraser?
Fraser: That
looks like gold.
[27th
precinct; morgue]
Mort: If it
would make things easier for you, I could slice the map
right off his chest.
Thatcher: That
might help.
Turnbull:
Mmmmm
. [faints]
Welsh: Is he
all right?
Thatcher: With
Turnbull, one can never tell. Wait! Here. Here it
is.
Welsh: The map
coordinates?
Thatcher:
There. Almost the same place. That’s near Sam Thorn’s
detachment headquarters. We can secure resources
there.
[piccolo music
begins]
Welsh: The open
waters are calling me back!
Thatcher: You
were a sailor?
Welsh: My uncle
worked the lake boats. The sea is my genetic destiny.
Shape up, we’re shipping out!
Mort:
[sings]
Ho yo ho! Ho yo ho!
[Wailing
Yankee]
Larry: Hey,
what’s going on?
Wallace: The
cops got John Thomas.
Larry: Can we
get to him?
Wallace: Dumb
play.
Larry: It would
be kinda fun to shoot him, though.
Wallace: Forget
him. Here’s the drill. We get the gold out, set the
charges in the cargo, blow the hold, and move on. By the
time the cops figure out what’s happening, we’ll be just
another shipwreck.
Larry: That’s
gonna take some time.
Wallace: Then
you better get a move-on.
Larry:
Okay.
Fraser:
(Diabolical. They’re going to combine the poisons with
linked explosives. The combination of arsenic, oil, PCBs –
well, it could lead to an ecological disaster of
unimaginable proportions. You see, Ray, this vessel lies
up-current of Six Fathom Shoal.
[Kowalski wanders
off]
And a toxic spill here would contaminate the St. Mary’s
River, which is one of the most fertile spawning grounds
of the entire Great Lakes, and that in turn could set off
a chain reaction that could lead to, well, it could lead
to the destruction of life in the entire Great Lakes
sys--) [realizes
Kowalski is
gone]
Ray? Ray! [finds
him looking at the
bullion]
(What are you doing?)
Ray: (The
gold.)
Fraser: (The
gold is secondary. Follow me.)
[starts to go, but
Kowalski doesn’t budge]
(Ray?!)
Hester: All
right, let’s get it done. Pallets 1, 3, and 6, top deck.
Let’s go.
Larry: Let me
know as soon as the transfer vessel gets here.
[Fraser & Kowalski snag two passing henchmen, and change into their clothes]
Larry
: Yep, under control.
Hester:
Henderson! Thompson! Don’t go to sleep on me back there,
huh? Keep at it.
[Kowalski & Fraser wave, hiding their faces; they walk
away, and another passing thug spies the unconscious
men]
Man: We got two
naked seamen here!
Man2: Roger,
two naked seamen.
[all the thugs rush
over]
Hester: Find
these guys!!
[Fraser & Kowalski run over to a yellow
submarine]
Ray: Fraser,
come on!
Larry:
[on
radio]
We got two bogeys!
Hester : Where?
Larry : The submersible!
[the sub descends, and the thugs all shoot at it, with no effect]
[“Canada”]
[thick underbrush; Welsh & Thatcher (in red serge) are
using machetes to cut a
path]
Welsh: I
thought Turnbull was supposed to be cutting this
path.
Thatcher:
Knowing Turnbull, he’s either taken a circuitous route or
gotten himself entangled with some bears.
Welsh: Bears?
There are bears in these woods?
Thatcher:
Fairly crawling with them, I would imagine.
Welsh: Great.
Bears. Inspector, what are they doing?
[points to Mounties
in red serge & Stetsons peeking out from behind
trees]
Thatcher:
Hiding.
Welsh: But I
can see them.
Thatcher: New
recruits. Although it seems they have captured
Turnbull.
Turnbull : [to captors] I congratulate you on your impressive technique.
Thatcher
: It must be some kind of drill, I would imagine.
[Mounties charge,
shouting, and surround Welsh & Thatcher]
Thorn: Identify
yourselves!
Thatcher:
Inspector Meg Thatcher, Royal Canadian Mounted Police,
sir!
Thorn: Meg? My
god. I haven’t seen you since, well, since The Incident.
What brings you to this neck of the woods?
Welsh: We have
two officers in trouble.
Thorn: Say no
more! Follow me! Recruits, to heel!
[submersible]
Ray: Hey,
you’re hogging all the room, Fraser. Can you move your
leg?
Fraser: No, I
can’t move my leg.
Ray: Why?
Fraser: It’s
asleep.
Ray: Oh. You
got any idea where we are?
Fraser: Yes,
you’re right behind me and I am right in front of
you.
Ray: I mean in
the water.
Fraser: Oh.
Well, we should be coming across Six Fathom Shoal, at
which point I’ll be able to navigate by dead reckoning.
Well, that is, provided I’ve calculated correctly.
Ray: And if you
haven’t?
Fraser: Oh well
then we’ll be hopelessly lost.
Ray: Oh, see,
this is what I love about you, Fraser. That real positive,
you know, everything’s-going-to-work-out-fine kind of
attitude. It really butters my muffin, that’s...
Fraser: Thank
you, Ray.
Robert Fraser:
[sitting directly
behind
Kowalski]
Oh he’s right, you know, son. You’re too logical and
dispassionate.
[Fraser tries to
give father a
look]
It’s too hard on him. You can’t force your standards on
other people. Come on now.
Ray: What are
you looking at?
Fraser:
You.
Ray: Come on,
keep your eyes on the road, just...
[mutters]
Looking at me...
[camp; Thorn is
dressing down the men]
Welsh: You call
these resources?
Thatcher: Well,
there have been a few budget cuts lately. Still, Sergeant
Thorn is an excellent man. Well, woman.
Welsh: If she’s
so excellent, what’s she doing out here in the
boonies?
Thatcher: Well,
she has a few, uh, idiosyncrasies. Her official
performance review designation was BTC.
Welsh:
BTC?
Thatcher: Big
Time Crazy. She had a long-standing dispute with
headquarters regarding the future of the force. Her
position was that we should revamp and develop ourselves
into a fully fledged naval power.
Welsh: Naval
power?
Thatcher:
Mmm.
Thorn: And why
not? What’s the point of having a strong federal force
without a strong naval power?
Thatcher: I
don’t think that we need to get into that right now,
Sergeant.
Thorn: Do you
know what’s over there?
Welsh:
No.
Thorn: The
United States of America. That would be a foreign power. A
damn big one, too.
Thatcher: We
have a special relationship with the United States,
Sergeant.
Thorn: Oh sure.
England and Spain get along now. But don’t forget about
the Spanish Armada. Think about it. If Nelson hadn’t been
ready, we’d all be speaking Spanish, and I have no love
for romance languages! You an American?
Thatcher:
Lieutenant Welsh is working with me.
Thorn: I’ll
keep that in mind. Meanwhile, I’ve been assessing your
situation and what I think you need is a boat.
Thatcher:
Exactly. Do you have one?
Thorn: I think
I might have something that fits the bill.
[the HMS Bounty comes into
view]
Welsh:
[to
Thatcher]
Demented.
[submersible]
Ray: Look,
Fraser, are we under the creek without a paddle here? Are
we lost?
Fraser: No,
we’re not, we’re not, we’re not, uh--
Ray: Just admit
it, Fraser. We’re lost!
Fraser: No,
we’re not, we’re not lost--
Ray: Admit.
It.
Fraser: All
right, we’re lost!
Ray: Okay.
Thank you... [points
left]
Go that way.
Fraser:
Why?
Ray: I got a
feeling. It’s a hunch, it’s a feeling. Go that way.
Fraser: Yes,
but there’s absolutely no reason why--
Ray: Look,
Fraser, just this once. Just this once. I trust you. Every
single time,
every single
time I gotta trust you. Just once you trust me. Go that
way.
Robert Fraser:
Do it, son.
Fraser: Yeah,
but if we--
Ray: No ifs,
ands or buts! Just...
Robert Fraser:
Buck
Frobisher
and I didn’t speak for three years. Then there we were,
face to face across the raging waters of the
Nahanni
River. Criminals bearing down on us. He had a rope, I had
a grappling hook. The only route to safety was to meet in
the middle. You got to trust your partner, son.
Otherwise,
nothing’ll
go right.
[pause]
Fraser
: That way?
Ray: Yeah. That
way.
Fraser: All
right.
[Fraser steers the sub left and they head off]
[camp]
Thorn:
Attention!! Suck in that gut, cadet! Shoulders back, head
up. Don’t look at me. What are you looking at? Don’t look
at me! [inspects
tent]
You call this shipshape? I’ve seen tighter sheets in a
whorehouse. No slacking off! Look around you. Attention!!
The man beside you may not be coming back. We’re going to
see some real action today. Men will bleed. We’re going to
see some real steaming guts before this day is over! This
may be your only chance to die for your country, or at
least be maimed or dismembered. Don’t blow it!
[HMS
Bounty]
Cadet 1:
Nothing yet, Captain, sir!
Cadet
2
: Nothing, Captain!
Cadet 3:
Nothing on the port bow, sir!
Thorn:
Anything?
Cadet 4: All
clear here!
[submersible]
Ray: What is
it?
Fraser: I think
it’s a vessel, but I don’t think it’s a freighter. Judging
from its shape, its displacement, I think it’s... Oh my
God, I don’t believe this, Ray. Prepare to surface.
[HMS
Bounty]
Cadet 4:
Captain, unidentified submersible, off the port
bow!
[Fraser climbs out of sub &
waves]
Fraser: Ahoy,
Bounty!
Thatcher: It’s
Fraser!
Welsh : All right! [goes to give Turnbull a high five, but must settle for a congratulatory handshake]
[27th
precinct; interrogation room]
Thomas: How
much more of this do I have to listen to?
Francesca:
Until you cough up, spill the jellybeans, sing like a
T-bird, talk like a puppet!
Thomas: Talk
like a puppet?! What does that mean?
Huey: It means
we know you were in on the robbery!
Dewey: And
Illinois Lake Freight is behind it!
Francesca: Why
don’t you just tell us, Johnny? Spill your guts, cause if
you don’t I’m going to keep talking to you ‘til you’re
pink in the face.
Thomas:
Pink?
Francesca:
Yeah. Oh, yeah. I’m going to broil you, baby. I’m going to
give you the second degree and if you don’t believe me,
ask them, cause I can keep talking longer than an
eternity.
Dewey: Even
longer.
Francesca: So,
beef butt--
Thomas: All
right, all right, all right! I’ll talk!
[pause]
It’s like you said. We did the robbery for Wallace.
Dewey: What
about the boat and the sailors?
Thomas: Ah, we
blew the reserve and put the gold onto a Hercules. Flew
north to a small strip in Manitoba, but flying low under
the radar. We hit a squall and went into Superior, just
off of Six Fathom Shoal.
Francesca:
Yeah? Come on!
Thomas: We’ve
been trying to bring it up ever since. But it’s not easy.
We had to make a mini Bermuda Triangle. That’s where
Wallace got the idea for the ghost ship. Dress up like the
Robert Mackenzie, he said, and scare everybody off.
[HMS
Bounty]
Fraser: Thank
you for the uniform, sir.
Thorn: My
pleasure, Constable.
Fraser: Your
sword is a unique addition.
Thorn: An
essential modification for naval duty.
Turnbull:
[to
Kowalski]
Ha. Completely unacceptable. It’s a violation to the
uniform. Using recruits to build a boat is one thing, but
tampering with the uniform, I’m sorry but I must put my
foot down--
Thatcher: Thank
you. That’ll be enough, Constable.
Thorn: Piss
off.
Welsh: Jack and
Dewey moved in on Illinois Lake Freight. Looks like you
were right. They’re dumping massive quantities of toxic
waste on consignment. That’s how they financed the Federal
Reserve job.
Fraser: Thank
you for that expository information, sir. Has there been
any word from the Coast Guard?
Welsh: Still
more than 3 hours away.
Fraser: Right,
it’s up to us, then.
Ray: Fraser,
why is it always up to us?
Fraser: How
quickly do you think you can get us there, sir?
Thorn: Full
sails, good wind... 33 minutes and 17 seconds. We have a
full complement of cannons. Our men have been doing
gunnery drills for weeks. We’re in fighting trim. Just
give the word.
Fraser:
[to
Thatcher]
Sir, as ranking officer?
Thatcher
: Set the sails!
Thorn: Set the
topsail.
Cadet: Aye-aye,
sir! Set the topsail!
[the sails unfurl
majestically]
Robert Fraser:
“Them as what dies will be the lucky ones.”
Fraser: What
are you talking about?
Robert Fraser:
Wooden ships and iron men. Oh it’s good to be back at sea
again, son.
Fraser: You’ve
never been at sea, Dad.
Robert Fraser:
Well, I’ve been contemplating a cruise. The roll of the
waves, the glare of the sun, the exhilaration of the wind,
dinner with the captain. Polynesians. It’s romance. This
is romance. It’s got the feel of romance about it,
son!
[Music: ‘Czardas’ by Leahy.]
Crewman:
Heave!
Crew
: Ho!
Thorn: Hey,
Yank.
Welsh:
What?
Thorn: You got
something of the sea about you.
Welsh: I used
to work the lake boats with my uncle.
Thorn: I
thought so. You got a good spine.
Ray:
Illinois.
Cadet:
Chicago.
Thatcher:
Fraser, I, uh--
Fraser:
Sir?
[pause]
Thatcher: I’m
glad you’re alive.
[claps him on the
shoulder & he nearly falls overboard]
[Dief decides to go after a black dog]
Turnbull: Put
it down to the effects of wind and sail, but let me tell
you something. I find you an incredibly aggressive young
man.
[Welsh takes off Thorn’s Stetson as they gaze into each others’ eyes]
[Fraser & Thatcher move towards each other and kiss gently]
[Kowalski & female cadet kiss passionately]
[Turnbull & male cadet grimace at each other and arm wrestle]
[Dief licks black dog’s ear]
Fraser: That’s
very odd. It’s high noon and the sun is setting.
Robert
Fraser:
Ahh
, that’s romance, son.
[Wailing
Yankee]
Crewman: Sir,
we’ve got something big moving toward us. But I can’t pick
up an engine.
Wallace:
Uncover the gun. Whatever it is, we’ll blow it out of the
water.
[crew pulls tarp off a large cannon]
<Thirty-two Down on the Robert Mackenzie>
[HMS
Bounty]
Ray: Come on! I
don’t like this. They got a big metal ship, we got this
little wooden boat.
Thorn: We have
the advantage of surprise!
Ray: But they
can see us coming!
[Turnbull ‘tosses his cookies’
overboard]
Fraser: Well,
Ray, imagine yourself at sea. Suddenly you find yourself
set upon by members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police
and the Chicago Police Department in a vessel that is a
replica of the HMS Bounty. Wouldn’t you be
surprised?
Ray: It
depends.
Fraser: It
depends on what?
Ray: If I could
see you coming!
Thorn: The time
is upon us. Inspector?
Thatcher: Give
the word, Captain.
Thorn: Battle
stations!!
<Thirty-two Down on the Robert
Mackenzie>
Cadet: Aye-aye,
Captain!
Thatcher:
[helping Welsh move
a
canon]
Put your back into it, Leftenant. Seconds count when we’re
in combat!
[Turnbull loads cannon as Thatcher times
him]
Turnbull: Gun
is ready, sir.
Thatcher: Eight
seconds. Not bad, Turnbull.
Turnbull: Thank
you, sir.
Welsh: You know
how to do this?
Thatcher:
Standard training. Run it out! You never know when a
ceremonial cannon might need to be fired.
[Wailing
Yankee]
Wallace: Come
on, come on!
Crewman:
They’re right behind us, coming up hard!
[HMS
Bounty]
Thorn: Ready
the port guns! Trim the topsail! Steady on the helm,
crewman!
Fraser:
Ready?
Ray: No, not
exactly--
Fraser: Good
luck.
Cadets
: Aft guns ready, sir! Elevate the guns. Port guns ready,
sir!
Thorn: Fire
when your guns bear!
Thatcher: Fire
on the peak of the roll, Lieutenant. That way we’ll get
more height!
Thorn:
Fire!
[music: ‘Robert Mackenzie’ by Paul Gross]
[exchange of cannon fire; HMS Bounty pulls right alongside Wailing Yankee]
Thorn
: Stand by to board! Have your full arms ready!
Fraser:
Now!
[Fraser & Kowalski shoot grappling hooks, Mounties throw hooks, then they all swing on ropes to Wailing Yankee deck]
Turnbull : How exhilarating-- whoa!! [gets tangled in netting and hangs upside down] Hang on! Hang on! I’ll be there in a...Just need to...Wait...
[Wailing Yankee deck]
Fraser
: It’s Wallace. He’s heading for the cargo hold.
Ray: Right
behind you.
Fraser:
Ready?
Ray: Go!
[they run after Wallace; Fraser punches out a thug & keeps going]
[Thorn goes toward the captive crew, and punches a guy
sneaking up behind
her]
Thorn: Ed! Ed
Iron Bottom Smithers! You still breathing?
[thug shoots at her, but she blocks each bullet with her
sword, then punches him again; she rushes over and removes
Smithers’ gag, then slices through his
restraints]
Smithers: I’ll
slice them through their gizzards, stern to sternum! I’ll
disassemble them like I did that Moor... Hey, you’ve
gained weight.
Sergeant: You
too. Suits ya.
Smithers : Yeah. [smiles]
[thug tries to sneak by; Thatcher kicks the gun out of his hand]
Welsh : [punches the thug] Hello!
[Thatcher kicks thug in the butt, and thug goes flying
overboard]
Welsh: Nice
leg.
Thatcher: Nice
arm.
Welsh: Big
boat.
<Thirty-two down on the Robert Mackenzie>
[hold]
[Fraser & Kowalski are hiding again behind the 50
gallon drums; they wordlessly signal to each other &
go opposite ways; Fraser finds a detonation device, and
disarms it; Hester attacks him with an axe, which Fraser
takes away; Hester pulls his
gun]
Fraser: You
should lower your weapon and surrender.
Hester: Maybe I
should just feed you to the fishes.
Fraser: Andy
Calhoon oblique stroke Vic Hester, you are under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent--
Hester: Am I
missing something here?
Fraser: Only
that I have a partner who should be showing up just about
now.
Ray: Hi.
[punches him out,
and Fraser takes the gun as Hester falls]
Fraser: Thanks
for coming, Ray.
Ray: I was in
the neighborhood.
Fraser: Here’s
the gun.
Ray: Why don’t
you carry it?
Fraser: I don’t
have a permit.
Ray: Well you
don’t have to shoot it, you can just carry it.
Fraser: Oh. All
right. [puts the gun
in his belt]
[they find more devices on the ground behind
drums]
Ray: Yeah, this
is the one.
Larry:
[pointing
gun]
Take your hands away from the device and stand up.
Ray:
[standing]
It’s me, uh, still lost. You see, I’ve been drinking more
and looking for the commode...
[Fraser stands up & hurls the gun at Larry’s head]
Larry : Ow! [falls]
Ray
: You shoot a gun. Who in the hell throws a gun?
Fraser: Well, I
told you, Ray, I don’t have a permit. Aside from which,
we’re still technically in United States waters, although
at the rate of drift I think we should be entering
Canadian waters in approximately 83 seconds. Ready?
[in unison they disable the
charges]
Wallace:
[voice]
You’re both very clever. Unfortunately it’s all for
nothing. This hold is rigged with a dozen charges, and I
carry the detonator. I push it, breach the hull, and you
spend the rest of time at the bottom of the lake.
Ray: You’ll go
down as well.
Wallace: Maybe.
Maybe not.
[Fraser & Kowalski wordlessly signal out a
plan]
Ray: I suppose
you got some sort of escape pod kind of thing or
something.
Wallace: You
might say that.
[Fraser & Kowalski try to see past the 50-gallon drums, but they can’t]
Wallace
: You should have let this one go, Mountie. Hell, I didn’t
make the stuff. I’m just taking out some garbage for some
lazy companies who are paying me good money. If I wouldn’t
have done it, somebody else would have.
Fraser: You
systematically polluted the Great Lakes for your own
profit.
You planned a gold robbery. You murdered six men in the
process. And in a final act of viciousness, you’re going
to sink a toxin-laden ship causing untold damage and
destruction. For that you must face justice.
[Fraser catches Kowalski’s eye & signals -’can you see
him?’ Kowalski shakes his
head]
Wallace: I hate
to tell you this, but justice and me are never going to be
great pals. I hope you enjoy your stay at the bottom of
the big lake they call
Gitchegumee
. Me?
[chuckles]
I’m going to be in the South Pacific.
[Fraser signals, pointing up; Kowalski
nods]
Fraser:
Possibly. But right now, my friend, you’re in the dominion
of Canada.
[slow motion: Fraser leaps up to stand on drums; Kowalski throws Fraser the gun; Fraser catches it and shoots out the masks to the diving suits, then shoots the detonator out of Wallace’s hand; Wallace dives into the pool]
Fraser : Bring up the net.
[Kowalski raises the net, trapping Wallace]
Fraser : This vessel sits above the wreck of the Robert Mackenzie. Brave men lie below us in these waters, men whose names and reputations you used. This is their graveyard. You didn’t think they’d let you get away with it, did you?
[HMS
Bounty]
Smithers:
[at the
wheel]
Ah, yes, it feels good to have a wooden deck beneath my
feet again. Reminds me of the time I circumnavigated the
globe with only the stars to guide me.
Robert Fraser:
And a bottle of rum.
Smithers: Ah,
yes, of course, a bottle of rum. Always the rum... Who
said that?
Sergeant: Maybe
we should take a swing around the lake before we go back,
shell something on the American side.
Welsh: I’ll
break your jaw.
Sergeant: I’ll
break yours first.
Turnbull:
[to
cadet]
That officer lacks discipline. How about you? Do you lack
discipline?
Thatcher:
Fraser?
Fraser:
Sir.
Thatcher: Your
10989B report.
Fraser: Yes,
sir. Well, as soon as we reach port, I’ll be able
to--
Thatcher: I
don’t think we need to worry about it.
Fraser: We
don’t need to worry about my 10989B report, sir?
Thatcher: Just
this once.
Fraser: Thank
you, sir. [Thatcher
exits]
Ray: So.
Transfer. You thought about it?
Fraser: Well,
it would be the logical career move.
Ray: I know.
That’s what I think. That’s what my instinct tells
me.
Robert Fraser:
Buck
Frobisher
and I stood across from each other on the banks of that
river, and we knew, without even speaking, we knew we’d
come to the same conclusion, that sometimes you just have
to make a leap, son. Sometimes you just have to
leap.
Fraser: Thank
you.
Ray: For
what?
Fraser: Well. I
realize that logic doesn’t always work.
Ray: I know.
And I realize that going on instinct doesn’t always work,
either.
Fraser: No. No,
so...
Ray: You going
to take the transfer?
Fraser: I don’t
think so. You?
Ray: Me?
No.
Fraser: All
right. So we’re-we’re still, uh...
Ray: I
think.
Fraser:
Okay.
Ray:
Good.
Fraser: Right
you are.
End