[27th
precinct]
Huey : Y’all talkin’ to the wrong guy, Massah.
Welsh : I gotta go, and I can’t drive with my foot like this! (it’s in a cast) [to Dewey] How ‘bout you? You look like you could use some fresh air.
Dewey : I hate fresh air. Why don’t you get Vecchio?
Welsh : Vecchio’s on holiday.
Dewey : Oh yeah? Where?
Huey : That club couples place, in, uh, Mexico.
Dewey : Vecchio? Club couples?? Who with?
Huey : Remember that chick he busted last month for passing bad checks?
Dewey : Oh man, that’s low. I mean, I grovel once in a while, but to bust a chick for a date?? The man has no standards.
Welsh : What’s going on here? I’m talking about a day off, with pay!
[enter Fraser]
Huey : Yeah, but it’s in the country, Lieutenant.
Fraser : Morning, sir.
Welsh : Ah, Constable! I want to show you something. What do you see in front of you?
Fraser : Photographs.
Welsh : That’s America. That is the heartbeat of America.
[pictures are of quaint Midwestern town]
Welsh : I mean, white picket fences, courtyard in the square, cracker barrel in the general store...
[one photo – a cop, standing beside sheriff’s car & waving – comes to life]
Welsh : And all you have to do is give me a ride up there. I’ll show you a place where the people still care about their neighbors, where you can park your car in the street all night and it’ll still be in one piece in the morning. You can smell apple pie every day...
Fraser : Hmm. Sounds like home. Although of course, we tended more towards brown lichen tarts than apple pie, but-–
Welsh : That’s great, but we’d better get a move on, to be in time for the game.
Fraser : Game, sir?
[minor league baseball park; batting practice]
Voices : [singing] L-O-N, Willison, Willison, Willison.
Commentator : And it’s a beautiful day for baseball here in the tri-county region. As the greater Willison area, where we don’t just produce milk, we produce goodness, wraps up its week-long festival of cheese with a season-ending three game series against cross-county rivals, the Quarrington Crowns. There’s been no love lost between these two teams this year, as Willison has yet to defeat Quarrington in regular season play. A season that’s been a disaster thus far for the Hawkeyes, with the team rife with dissension, much of it centered around the play of vaunted slugger, Kelly Olsen. Olsen is in the throes of a season-long slump which, barring a turnaround, could end his career.
[batter whiffs]
Manager (Huck Bogart): Love you, son, love your hairstyle, but I’m telling you. You gotta swing at least hard enough to crack an egg.
Commentator : Hawkeyes’ manager Huck Bogart, with two more victories, would enter the record book as the winningest manager in minor league history.
[batter connects and the ball heads right for Huck, who hits the dirt]
Huck Bogart : Now that’s the juice I’m looking for! That’s a nice cut!
Commentator : But, amidst rumors that Bogart may not have his contract renewed next year, this may be his last shot at the record book.
Huck : [to batter talking with a half dozen young women] Hey, Romeo! We got this thing called practice!
Batter (Pete Consentino): [tips hat] Ladies. [tips hat to Huck]
Commentator : And, just about the only bright spot for the Hawkeyes this season, has been the play of mid-season acquisition of Pete Consentino whose play down the stretch, and...
[Pete hits a homer]
Commentator : ...hits like that one! Ho-ho! I tell you, you’re going to see a lot more of this guy. You know, baseball has its ups and downs, folks. It’s just like life. I guess that’s why they call it...America’s pastime.
[three guys pull on ski masks & load their guns. Music: a funky version of ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ by Trevor Hurst]
[they burst into office with shotguns]
Woman (Olivia): What the hell?!
Robber : Sit down, don’t move!
[one robber grabs the payroll, another punches man (Hector Proulx)]
Olivia : Hector!
Robbers : Shut up! Come on, let’s move it! Move it, move it! Let’s go, let’s go! [they exit]
Olivia : Hector!
[roadside; Fraser
& Lt. Harding Welsh are stopped, waiting for
Dief]
Harding Welsh:
He graduates from the police academy, he works a year in
Chicago, and he comes up here to Nowheresville to take a
sheriff’s job. A real waste of some great training.
Fraser: I
wasn’t aware you had a brother, sir.
Harding:
Anyway, he calls me and he’s freaking out. It seems
there’s a crime wave here in Nowheresville. I mean,
uh...arson at the local factory, stores being broken into,
somebody’s trying to sabotage the local baseball team.
Well, after I stopped laughing...
Fraser: You
find it funny, sir?
Harding: Yeah,
well, after you’ve seen 14-year-olds killed by hypos,
yeah.
Fraser: Point
taken.
Harding: It’s
vandalism, you know, bleachers collapsing, uh, somebody’s
poisoning the food concession, stuff like that.
Fraser: That
does sound
somewhat
serious, sir.
Harding: Oh,
that’s why we’re here. We’re the pros from Dover. I figure
we could wrap this up maybe in an hour.
[pause]
Constable. Can I ask for your advice?
Fraser: *My*
advice, sir?
Harding: Yeah,
your advice.
Fraser: If I
can help.
Harding: If you
had somebody you were trying to forgive, no matter how
hard you tried to forgive ‘em, you just couldn’t forgive
‘em. What would you do?
Fraser: Keep
trying, sir.
[office; paramedics
are taking injured accountant away on a gurney]
EMT1: All right
let’s go.
EMT2: Excuse me
folks, can we get through here?
EMT1: Yeah,
thanks.
EMT2
: Watch your backs!
Huck: What the
hell is going on? The players are walking off the
field!
Wilson Welsh:
There’s been a robbery, Huck. They got the payroll.
Olivia: And
Hector has been hurt.
Huck: Who
cares? We’re ahead 6-1, we forfeit the game!
Olivia: A man
is hurt, Huck.
Huck: He’s not
a man, he’s an
accountant!
Look, we gotta find money. Two games to 3000 and I can’t
win ‘em by myself.
[Huck leaves as the
mayor enters, and they do a little shuffling
dance]
Olivia:
Winston.
Winston Cohoon:
Olivia, are you all right?
Olivia: I’d be
a damn sight better if we had a sheriff with some
stones.
Wilson:
Hey!
Cohoon: I’m
going to do something about that, Olivia.
Wilson: Thank
you for your support, Mr. Mayor.
Cohoon: Look,
I’ve done everything I can for you, Welsh, but nobody’s
gonna stand for this anymore. We already lost Johanson’s
Lumber Mill to arson, that department store closed after
that last robbery. What the hell do you expect me to do?
Keep you on, ‘til every business we have is run out of
town?
Wilson: I told
you, I’ve called for outside help. Experts in the
field.
Cohoon:
Yeah.
[Olivia scoffs]
[roadside]
Harding Welsh:
And your dog’s got the bladder the size of a
zeppelin.
Fraser: Salty
food. I can’t seem to keep him away from it.
[Fraser notices a
suspicious-looking van]
Harding: You
see something?
[three (armed) men
are transferring money from the van into a car; Fraser
suddenly appears]
Fraser:
Afternoon.
[Fraser disarms the
man; second man takes aim at Fraser... Diefenbaker pushes
Fraser out of the way just as the bullet shatters the van
window; third guy runs, crying]
Harding: Hello!
[takes third guy
down with a ‘clothesline’ move]
[second guy gets
into the car & takes off, the first guy jumps into the
trunk... and the getaway car gets away]
Harding: You
get a number?
Fraser: Yes, I
did.
[sheriff’s
office]
Wilson Welsh:
[on
phone]
Mm-hmm. They were heading east out of town, not that that
means anything....Yeah, just have your troopers keep an
eye out for me, Walt. Thank you.
[hangs
up]
[Harding Welsh
enters, limping]
Wilson Welsh:
Harding.
Harding Welsh:
Wilson.
Wilson: What
happened to your foot?
Harding: Ah, a
junkie. Chicago.
Wilson: What
happened to the junkie?
Harding: Well,
they had to wire his jaw.
Wilson:
Gum?
Harding: Sure.
So these are your headquarters, huh?
Wilson: Yeah.
Just like the city only smaller. Uh, Bernie. Get on out to
the truck stop on the interstate will you? See if anybody
saw anything.
Bernie:
[cocks shotgun with
one hand]
You got it, Chief.
[Bernie leaves (she
looks remarkably like Francesca Vecchio)]
Harding: Hey,
who’s that? She’s--
Wilson: Deputy.
Like a detective, you know, just like the city.
[knock knock; Fraser
enters]
Fraser:
Gentlemen.
Harding: Here
it is. The stadium payroll.
Fraser: And I
imagine you’ll be wanting to speak with this fellow.
Harding: The
other two got away, but we got a good look at them.
Wilson: Rusty
Barnstead. What have you gotten yourself into this
time?
[Rusty bursts into
great heaving sobs]
Harding Welsh:
You know this guy?
Rusty
Barnstead:
[sobbing
uncontrollably]
I’m sorry, Sheriff. I...I...
[puts his head on
Wilson’s shoulder, who takes him into an awkward
hug]
[holding
cell]
[Rusty continues to bawl
loudly]
Harding: He
ever stop crying?
Wilson: He’s
upset.
Harding: Yeah,
he wasn’t upset when he cracked that guy’s skull in.
Wilson: Can I
talk to you a minute?
Harding : [as they exit] We got guys in Chicago, you could put out cigarettes on their tongue, they don’t flinch. I’ll break this guy’s...
[Fraser unfurls his handkerchief and hands it to Rusty]
[office]
Wilson: I
walked Rusty to school on his very first day, okay? You
know, I live with these people, it’s a community. You
can’t come here and terrorize them!
Harding: You
called me for help.
Wilson: And I
want your help, but this is Willison. It’s not Chicago,
you gotta respect that.
Harding: You
called me for help with your job, okay? I got my methods.
If you can live with them, fine, I’ll help you out. If
not, I’m outta here.
Wilson: You
just haven’t outgrown it have you?
Harding: What’s
that?
Wilson:
Competing with me.
Harding:
Competing for what?
Wilson:
Everything. For...for Susie Delessen. For who’s gonna be
quarterback on the football team. For who can sit on the
railroad tracks the longest.
Harding: Oh, I
always could stay longer.
Wilson: For
Dad’s approval.
Harding: I
never needed his approval!
Wilson: Oh
no?
Harding: No.
Let me tell you something. How could I possibly compete
with all of this?
Wilson: I was
hoping for more that that, you know? I was-I was...I was
hoping that...
[spies Fraser in
the
doorway]
Forget it.
Fraser: It
turns out that Rusty met the other two men in a bar three
days before the robbery, and they were looking for a
driver who was familiar with the area, so I think we can
assume that they were from out of town. I have taken the
liberty of removing his belt, his shoelaces, and his
wristwatch, and I also took the liberty of placing him
into holding cell number one. And I would respectfully
suggest that we get over to the stadium as quickly as
possible.
[Fraser exits;
Wilson looks astounded]
Harding: He’s
Canadian.
Wilson:
Oh.
[stadium, locker
room]
Huck:
Someone...is trying to screw me, plain and simple!
[throws a
cooler]
Huck
: How many wins did Sal Arpeggio have?
Woody:
2973.
Huck: That’s
right!
[throws another
cooler]
Players : Hey!... Watch it!...
Huck
: And Jack McDonough?
Woody:
2999.
Huck: That’s
right!
[throws bucket of
balls] Did
anybody ever go 3000?
Woody:
Nobody.
Huck: That’s
right!
[throws
bat]
Nobody. Because that record is mine.
Mine!
Players: Chill
out, Coach!...All right, I’m outta here...
Huck: Look. Now
my players are walking out.
[chases out the rest
of the
guys] Well
get thee running!
[to
Woody] Get
me a coffee!
Woody:
What?
Huck: Coffee!!
[gently]
Please?
Woody: As you
wish, sir.
[Woody goes to
leave, and Diefenbaker enters barking fiercely at
him]
Huck: What the
hell is that?
Fraser:
Terribly sorry, sir. His name is Diefenbaker. He’s
half-wolf. Well he, as a pup he was mauled by a wolverine
with a goiter. I can only assume that, well, I think it’s
the outfit the mascot is wearing seems to have made him
relive the event.
Huck: And who
the hell are you?
Wilson: Huck,
this is Lieutenant Harding Welsh of the Chicago Police
Department, and this is Constable Fraser of the Royal
Canadian Mounted Police. He first came to Illinois on the
trail of his father’s killer and for a number of
interesting reasons he’s-he’s stayed.
Fraser:
Attached as liaison with the Canadian consulate.
Huck: You’re
kidding me.
Fraser: No,
sir, I’m not.
Huck: Welsh.
You any relation to him?
Harding: Yeah,
I’m his brother.
Huck: Hope
you’re not as thick as he is, cause if you are we should
just start walking backwards now.
Harding: You
keep talking, mulch mouth--
Fraser: Sir,
please. This is a community.
Wilson: Thank
you.
Fraser: Mr.
Bogart, if what I overheard is accurate, you believe that
the attacks on the team are directed at you
personally?
[Huck nods]
Fraser
: Do you have any reason to believe this?
Huck: Yeah, I
got a reason. [takes
a note out of his
hat] This
was on my desk this morning.
Fraser:
[reading]
You’ll never reach 3000.
Huck: Two games
left to 3000, and now I got no team!
[exits]
[Woody reenters; Dief barks at him]
[outside the
stadium; players are leaving]
Olivia: Fellas,
can I talk to you for a minute, please? Just for a
minute.
[players slowly gather around]
Olivia
: Thank
you.
Look. I understand how you feel. You hired on here to play
baseball, not to be a part of some nightmare side-show, I
understand that. My late husband loved this ball team, and
his last wish when he was dying was that we win the
pennant. And I promised him we would. Now obviously that’s
not gonna happen this year, but there’s always the future,
right? So I’m asking you: stick with me, please. Two more
games, finish the season. Cause I have a feeling next year
is gonna be our year.
Player (Bubba
Dean): Sing us another tune, sweetheart.
[he bears a striking
resemblance to Turnbull]
[players start to
exit]
Wilson:
[to
Olivia]
Look, we recovered the money. It’s in the office.
Olivia: Fellas,
one more thing. Your payroll. It’s in the office.
Players:
Yeah!
[Huck takes one
player aside]
Huck: Son, I
need to talk to you in the locker room.
Kelly Olsen:
Sure thing,
skipper.
[locker
room]
Kelly: You
can’t sit me down!
Huck: Put
yourself in my position. You got two games left to break
the record and the guy on first is hitting 1-8-9. What
would you do? You put in Consentino.
Kelly: You
miserable bastard. You know there’s a scout from the
Yankees coming to look at me!
Huck: Okay, you
wanna play hardball, let me show you how to play hardball.
They don’t have to see you play to know that you’re an
over the hill lump who’s hitting twenty points below his
own bodyweight. Them’s the breaks. That’s baseball.
[outside; Kelly
Olsen throws open the door (narrowly missing Fraser) and
stalks away]
Harding:
Fraser, I gotta get off this foot.
Wilson: We can
go out to my spread.
[Wilson’s spread: a
trailer in the woods, with artificial grass & pink
flamingos]
Fraser: It’s a
beautiful setting for a spread.
Harding Welsh:
Yeah. Nice spread.
[Diefenbaker sniffs
the flamingos]
Fraser: Leave
them! [to
Harding]
He has a phobia about pink
flamingos.
[inside the
trailer]
Wilson: Here it
is.
Fraser
: Very nice. Beautiful woodwork.
Harding: It’s a
little small.
Wilson: Well I,
uh, I got plans to build something, you know, but uh...
What, you got a big place in Chicago?
Harding: No.
Nah, just about the same size.
Wilson: Well,
uh, I’ll get the mug book.
Fraser: Is this
your father, sir?
[indicates photo on
the wall]
Harding:
Yeah.
Fraser
: He looks very proud.
Harding: Yeah,
it was the proudest day of his life. When Wilson graduated
from the police academy. When I graduated, he couldn’t
make it.
Wilson: He was
sick that day.
Harding: If
there was a 2-for-1 sale at the liquor store he would’ve
been there on a stretcher.
Wilson: Come
on, Harding. Give him a break, huh? He’s an old man now.
He’s broken down, he’s sick. Just let it go.
Harding: I let
him go a long time ago.
Wilson: Um.
Here’s the mug book.
Harding:
[looks]
Mug book?
This is a mug page. You got a crime wave going here and
you got no criminals?
Wilson: Got no
criminals ‘cause I done a damn good job here for the last
twenty years.
Harding
: Yeah well, maybe me and Fraser go back to Chicago then,
and let you handle it by yourself.
Wilson:
Constable, do you, uh--
Fraser:
[very
uncomfortable]
No, not at all.
[exits]
Wilson: Now
look. I’m two years from retirement. I’m about to lose my
job. I don’t mind telling you it scares the hell outta me.
I thought you might wanna help. But if all you wanna do is
make fun of what a small-town loser I am, well then, why
don’t you go on back to your big-time cop shop. I’m going
for a walk.
[Wilson exits and
Fraser re-enters]
Fraser: Sir,
I’ve been thinking.
Harding: This
better have something to do with baseball.
Fraser: Oh, of
course. It occurs to me that since this is a small town
and news travels fast, that our presence here is likely
known. I think we should consider the introduction of a
third party unknown to the town who could infiltrate the
clubhouse and report to us from the inside.
Harding: And
that would be?
[roadside; a duffel
drops to the dusty ground... a man stands beside it,
wearing boots, blue jeans, and a poncho – it’s Ray
Kowalski]
[car; Fraser’s
driving]
Fraser: Your
name will be Ace Leary.
Ray: Man, I’ve
gone to some lengths to ditch a date, but this is
new.
Fraser: The
relationship didn’t work then, I take it?
Ray: Ah, the
plane barely touched down in Acapulco and she took up with
this guy who was selling ponchos on the street.
Fraser: Oh. So
you didn’t get the girl then.
Ray: Nah. Got
this poncho.
Fraser: It’s
very fetching.
Ray: You
realize I haven’t swung a bat in years, Fraser.
Fraser: You
used to work out with the Cubs, didn’t you?
Ray: Yeah, but
that was a long time ago.
Fraser: Well
they’re only looking for someone who can hit 380.
Ray: 380?
Fraser:
Mm-hmm.
Ray: They think
I can hit 380?!
Fraser:
Mm-hmm.
Ray: I’m
dead.
Fraser: Oh no,
you can do it. It’s sort of like riding a bicycle. You
never really forget, do you?
Ray: Look, I
was exaggerating, Fraser, I was embellishing. Haven’t you
ever exaggerated or embellished?
Fraser: No. And
in any case, it’s only for a couple of games. The main
thing is that you find the saboteur. And if you really
don’t want to play I’m sure the manager will come up with
some excuse to keep you on the bench.
Ray: What are
you saying? I can’t cut it? I-I can cut it.
[stadium; locker
room]
Bubba: Name’s
Bubba Dean. Welcome to the funhouse.
[Kowalski does a
double-take; Bubba slaps Kowalski on the butt; Kowalski
doesn’t know what to do about it though, so he just moves
on to his locker]
Consentino: So.
You’re the hotshot from the Great White North.
Eh?
Where’d you play?
Ray: Uh... Uh,
Moose Jaw.
Consentino:
Huck says you’ve been hitting 380. What do they throw up
there anyway? Curve balls, sliders, fast balls, fork
balls, hmm?
Ray: Hah!
Mostly, uh, snowballs.
Consentino:
Well, down here they throw heat.
[slams locker &
exits]
[Kowalski bends over
to remove his underwear... someone stands directly in
front of him; he slowly stands, gazing at the curvy body,
then is shocked to see the body belongs to a reporter (who
looks just like Meg Thatcher)]
Toni Lake: Ace
Leary?
Ray: Um.
Toni
: Toni Lake. Action Sports.
[to
camera]
Ace Leary. Somewhat of a mystery man signed out of the
Canadian league. Ace, are you concerned at all about
fitting in with this new league so late in the
season?
Ray: Uh, I just
want to go out there and help the team any way I can.
Look, can I put some clothes on for this?
Toni: Don’t
worry, sweetheart. Unless, of course, you Canadians have
something I haven’t already seen.
Ray: Uh, you
know I’m gonna take it uh, you know, game by game and go
out there and do my best and try not to play with
myself... I-I mean, play within myself.
[corridor; Fraser is
about to knock on Olivia’s door but
overhears...]
Olivia:
[voice]
You want to buy the team? You’d better
show me the color of your green, buster, because there’s a
lot of towns out there who’d like to have the
Hawkeyes.
Cohoon:
Olivia, let’s be honest. The team is practically bankrupt.
I’m just trying to bail you out and give the town a boost
at the same time.
Olivia: No,
you’re not. You’re trying to screw me. Well go ahead,
buster, becau--
[knock knock
knock]
Olivia: Come
in? Constable Fraser, what a nice surprise.
Fraser:
Ma’am.
Olivia: Uh,
this is Winston Cohoon, our mayor.
Fraser: Ah,
pleased to meet you, sir.
Cohoon: Nice to
meet you.
Olivia: The
mayor and I were just discussing a business
transaction.
Fraser: So I
heard.
Olivia: Oh.
Well, you know, small towns. We know everybody. We can
speak frankly.
Fraser: Yes,
it’s true. Although you know, I have heard young ladies on
the streets of Chicago discussing business deals in very
similar terms.
Cohoon: Don’t
tell me, let me guess. You’re from Canada.
Fraser: Well
yes, sir, I am.
Cohoon: I love
it up there. As a matter of fact the council and I were
just talking about the possibility of setting up a
cultural exchange with, uh, Medicine Jaw.
Fraser:
Medicine Hat?
Cohoon: Yeah,
that’s the place. Uh, we could send them a couple of
blocks of Illinois cheese and they could send us some, uh,
beaver meat or something in return.
[Dief
grumbles]
Fraser: Oh,
I’m sorry. Diefenbaker feels a particular kinship with the
beaver. It’s as if we were discussing, well, eating a
member of the family.
Cohoon: I
see.
Olivia:
Constable Fraser is here with a team of Chicago
detectives.
Cohoon: Oh,
you’re the pros that Welsh brought down.
Fraser: That is
correct, yes.
Cohoon: How’s
it going?
Fraser: We have
some very good leads and we’re confident that we will be
able to apprehend the men who stole the payroll.
Cohoon: Good.
It’s about time we got some decent police work in this
town. [rises]
And glad to
meet you. Oh hey, listen, uh, you want a block of cheese?
You just call my office.
Fraser: Oh,
thank you kindly. You know oddly, I have been thinking
about cheese lately.
Cohoon: Yeah.
[exits]
Olivia: So. You
are gonna put a stop to this, aren’t you?
Fraser: Well,
we are trying our best, ma’am. Do you mind if I ask you a
question?
Olivia:
Shoot.
Fraser: You are
considering selling the team?
Olivia: Well,
I’m, uh... I’m in negotiations.
[baseball field;
Consentino is in
batting cage]
Huck: My
mother’s got a better swing than that. She’s been dead
twenty years!
[pitching machine
malfunctions, throwing balls wildly]
Consentino:
Aaahhh!! [drops to
the ground, injured]
[Huck & Kowalski
run over to help; Fraser runs in from other
direction]
Ray: Red! Red!
Shut it off! Shut it off! Switch on the side! Switch on
the side of the machine!
[Fraser pulls out
the plug]
Ray: Or you
could do it that way.
Consentino: I
think my arm’s broken!
Huck
: [to
Woody] Hey
birdbrain. You got ten dollars?
Woody: Sure,
Huck.
Huck: All
right. Call a cab and get Romeo to the hospital. What the
hell happened?
Ray: Uh,
someone must’ve been screwing with the machine.
Huck: You’re
kidding me. Would that be what made the pitching machine
change into a Gatling gun?
Ray: What is
that?
Fraser: That’s
sarcasm, Ace.
Ray: That’s
what I thought.
Fraser: It
would appear that there’s a crucial gear missing.
Huck: There’s
gonna be some heads missing some gears, too, I don’t find
out who did this. Woody. You were in early. Who did
this?
Woody: It was
fine this morning, Huck. Domingo, Consentino, and Anderson
all took BP.
Huck:
Olsen!
Kelly: Yeah,
skipper?
Huck: You’re
back in the lineup. Let’s see if you can remember how to
hit a baseball.
Consentino:
[to
Olsen]
You. You did this to me, huh?
Kelly: What the
hell for?
Consentino: Get
your place back in the lineup.
Kelly: You’re
full of crap, Consentino.
Huck: Boys,
boys. We got work to do.
Ray:
[aside]
You like Olsen for this?
Fraser: Well,
he does seem to have motive, although I fail to see how he
could have predicted that the injury would fall to
Cosentino.
Ray: Timing.
Constantino was first up after lunch. Everybody knew
that.
[sheriff’s
office]
Harding:
[on
phone] All
right, Jack, thank you.
[to
Wilson] So
what have you been doing?
Wilson: I have
been talking to people, Harding.
[Rusty is still sobbing
uncontrollably]
Harding: You
get information that way?
Wilson:
Usually.
Harding: Oh.
What’d you get this time?
Wilson: Not
much.
Harding: Well,
I picked up a phone with a certain tone of voice, and my
guy on the other end jumped. Turns out that gray K-car was
stolen in Chicago the night before the robbery. We found
it on the south side this morning. Now, I got the mug
books coming over. If these guys were pros, they might be
in the system.
That’s
what I’ve been doing.
[stadium, locker
room: Kowalski is investigating Olsen’s locker; Woody
enters]
Woody: You
looking for something?
[Kowalski stuffs
something inside his jersey]
Ray: Uh... All
these lockers, they, uh, look the same.
Woody: Yeah.
That’s probably why Kelly has that big ass picture of
himself on his.
Ray: Oh,
yeah.
[outside the
stadium]
Ray: This is
the gear, right?
Fraser: Yes, it
is. It’s odd he would leave it in his locker though.
Ray: Well, so
he’s a doofus. Olsen’s still gotta be our man.
Wilson: You
know, I’ve known Kelly a long time. He’s done a lot of
good for the town, you know, always been there for charity
work.
Harding: So
what are you trying to say, a guy does charity, he can’t
have a little ambition?
Wilson: No, but
I don’t think he’d hurt anybody.
Harding: Well,
then we’ll eliminate him as a suspect, all right?
Wilson: Look,
all I’m saying is that I think we ought to move slowly,
you know, he’s a very popular guy in the community.
Harding: All
right, but the way I work it is you have motive and means,
you have some evidence, you pick the guy up. Now what’s it
gonna be?
Wilson: We’ll
pick him up.
[Olivia’s
office]
Huck: How the
hell am I supposed to win the game? Olsen’s not much, but
he’s all I got, and you got him sitting in a cell!
Wilson: That’s
where you go when you break the law, Huck.
Huck: Come on!
It was a prank.
Fraser: It was
a prank that could have resulted in someone’s death.
Huck: You grow
up in a public service announcement? Olsen didn’t get to
the clubhouse until five minutes before practice. No way
he could’ve fixed that machine.
Harding: Can he
prove it?
Olivia: He was
with me all morning.
Huck &
Wilson: Doing what?
Olivia:
Contract negotiations.
Cohoon: Are you
seriously suggesting that Kelly Olsen is responsible for
all this sabotage?
Wilson:
Uh...
Huck: He’s got
an alibi. Let him play ball!
Wilson: You
know, I-I think, uh... I mean...
Harding
: He had motive. He had opportunity. He goes in front of
the judge.
Cohoon:
Wilson?
Wilson: He goes
in front of the judge.
Cohoon: Welsh?!
If you continue to hold this man, I’ll have your
badge!
Wilson: Well,
you’ll have my badge then.
[sheriff’s
office]
[Rusty is still bawling hysterically; Dief brings him a
box of
Kleenex]
Wilson: Mug
shots from Chicago.
Fraser:
Assuming that Kelly’s alibi holds up, we can conclude that
he was framed, and it’s likely that whoever framed him is
behind the other acts of sabotage. Shall we?
[they flip through the mug
book]
Harding: Oh
that’s one of them, right here. Alvin Kapinka. You gotta
fax machine?
[Chicago; Duck Boys
waiting in a car, with a copy of the mug shot]
Dewey: Heads
up. That’s him.
Huey: Well well
well, what do you know. They car pool. Very nice.
[they get out of the
car & move slowly across the street]
Dewey: You know
what the real cause of air pollution is?
Huey: What’s
that?
Dewey: Not
cars. Lawnmowers.
[Dewey is nearly hit
by a car]
Driver: Hey!
Watch where you’re going, jerk!
[they reach
suspect’s car]
Huey: Chicago
PD. Don’t move!
Dewey: How do
you do? Huh?
Huey: Get out
of the car. Get out!
Dewey: You got
a permit for this?
[gun]
Kapinka: Yeah,
I do.
Huey: Power
mowers?
[Winston Welsh’s
Blazer]
[car phone
rings]
Wilson: Sheriff
Welsh.
Dewey: May I
speak with Lieutenant Welsh, please?
Harding: Yeah,
go ahead, Detective.
Dewey:
Lieutenant. We got Kapinka and his buddy, Bobby
Letourneau, and, uh, one of them was carrying a phone
number written on a coaster from the Chiltingham Hotel in
Chicago, but the number is in your area code.
Harding:
Yeah?
Dewey: It’s a
payphone at the Willison ballpark.
Fraser: Is it
555-0104?
Dewey:
Yeah!
[Wilson gives Fraser a
look]
Fraser: It’s
the, uh, phone in the concourse outside of Olivia’s
office. I have a head for figures.
Wilson: It’s
Olivia.
Fraser: Does
she have a motive?
Wilson: Yeah, I
think I can come up with one.
[Harding
laughs]
Wilson:
What?
Harding: Oh
Wilson. You are so needy around women.
Wilson: It’s
just that Olivia and I--
Harding: Yeah,
yeah. I rest my case.
[outside the
stadium]
Harding: Ah,
Mr. Proulx. You’re working today? You must be feeling
better.
Hector Proulx:
Got plenty to do, so I thought I might as well come in and
work, as lie in bed and worry about it.
Wilson: Where’s
Olivia?
Hector:
Chicago.
Fraser: You
know when she’ll be back?
Hector: Nope.
Never tells me. Keeps a suite in the Chiltingham, though.
You could try her there.
Ray: Fraser!
[jumps to see over
fence]
Fraser!
[baseball field;
players are warming up]
Commentator:
And as the Hawkeyes take the field, fans, let me remind
you about Sunday’s cheese sculpting contest, and....
Ray: They’re
gonna play me, Fraser. They’re gonna put me in the
game!
Fraser: Ray,
you can do this. You can. It’ll be just like that time you
worked out with the Cubs.
Ray: Look,
Fraser, that was a fantasy camp.
Fraser: I don’t
understand.
Ray: Look, you
pay a thousand dollars, you go down to Florida with the
heavy equipment salesman with the big gut, and the mutual
funds guy...
Fraser: Ray.
Ray.
Ray: ...with
the socks and the sandals...
Fraser:
Ray.
Ray: ...the guy
had no muscles, the guy had like tubes for arms...
Fraser:
Ray!
Ray: ...so the
guy with the big gut and the socks and sandals--
Fraser : Ray! Ray, Ray, Ray! Shhh!
[Dief fetches a baseball; girls fawn over him]
Fraser
: All right, now. Just keep your eye on the ball. Keep the
ball in front of you, keep your glove in front of the
ball. You relax. You let muscle-memory take over, and
above all you must try not to think.
Ray: Yeah, not
thinking, that’s what got me into this, Fraser. You know
what they call third base?
Fraser: The hot
plate?
Ray: No, the
hot corner. You know why they call it that?
Fraser: I’ve no
idea.
Ray: Well
neither do I, but it does not sound good.
[turns to
go]
Fraser:
Ray!
[Fraser throws him the glove – Kowalski drops it]
Fraser
: Oh dear.
[bleachers; two old men, who look remarkably similar to
Huey and Dewey,
enter]
Dewey, Sr.
(Jethro): Have they got a first baseman?
Huey, Sr.
(Homer): Certainly.
Jethro: All
right. What’s his name?
Homer:
Who?
Jethro: The
first baseman. What’s his name?
Homer:
Certainly.
Jethro: Sheriff
Welsh.
Homer: Howdy,
Sheriff.
[they pass the Welsh
brothers; Harding does a double-take]
Wilson: Hi,
Homer. [to
Harding]
Hey, you remember how Dad used to take us to the Cubs
games?
Harding: Yeah,
I remember he used to drop us off at the gate and give the
ushers a few dollars to look after us. Then he’d come back
and pick us up at the end of the game and, uh, drive home
hammered out of his mind.
Wilson: I don’t
remember that.
Harding: You
don’t want to remember that.
Wilson: Look, I
know he was a lousy father, and he treated us hard.
Harding: Hard
on you? Nothing I could do that would please that guy.
Every other day he was telling me how you were his only
real son.
Wilson: And
every other day he told me how
you
were his only real son. You gotta forgive
him, Harding.
Harding: I
don’t know what you’re talking about.
Wilson: I think
you do.
[Wilson notices a
car drive into the parking lot]
Wilson: It’s
Olivia.
Harding: Well,
let’s get her--
Wilson: No. I
go alone. I owe her this. I’m gonna bring her in myself. I
know how to handle her.
[Olivia’s
office]
[knock
knock]
Wilson: I hear
you’re thinking of selling.
Olivia: That’s
none of your business.
Wilson: Well
what, you stuck for the lease on the stadium, huh? Is that
why you’re sabotaging your own team?
Olivia: What do
you want?
Wilson: Or
maybe you’re trying to cash in on the
force majeure
clause
on your insurance policy.
[Harding Welsh
enters]
Harding: All
right. We got our confession?
Wilson: Do you
mind?
Olivia: Is this
your brother?
Wilson:
Harding, Olivia.
Olivia: Boy,
your parents must have been wading in the shallow end of
the gene pool.
Harding: Yeah
well, it’s still way uptown from the tree you fell out
of.
Wilson: Hey,
hey.
Olivia: Do you
have any proof? Or evidence? Or any of those legal kinds
of things that usually go with these conversations,
Wilson? Or did you just want to see me again, lover? Look,
I don’t have a lease on the stadium. My late moron of a
husband bought the thing. I own it. So now I have to sell
the team with the stadium, or I’m gonna be stuck with a
chunk of property that’s not worth a bucket of warm spit!
So listen, you fellas wanna talk to me, you know where to
find me.
[baseball
field]
Commentator:
And the Hawkeyes are just one out away from
victory...
Fraser:
[to group of
girls]
Well, actually he’s half-wolf.
Commentator: If
they can hang on here, then tomorrow Huck Bogart will hit
that magic 3000 mark. But right now they’ve gotta get
through the meat of the Quarrington order. And Ace Leary
may be about to find out why they call it the hot
corner.
Spectator:
...the hot corner!
Ray : Fraser! You hear that? It’s called the hot corner!
[Fraser nods]
Huck : Leary!
[Huck motions for him to move; Kowalski trots toward 2nd base]
Huck
: The other way, dude!
[Kowalski casually
trots back towards 3rd base; Huck halts him
when he’s nearly on the baseline]
[Harding Welsh’s
cell phone rings]
Harding:
Yeah.
Dewey:
Lieutenant. Turns out this Letourneau guy has an alias. He
also goes by the name of Donny Proulx.
Harding: The
bookkeeper.
Dewey: Is his
uncle.
Ray : [muttering] Count the seams, count the seams, count the seams, count the seams...
[batter hits the ball straight at Kowalski... he falls over, stopping the ball from hitting him in the face; the crowd cheers]
Huck
: I’m a damn genius!
Harding: Ah.
We’re never gonna hear the end of this.
[Olivia’s
office]
Herbert Proulx:
I wasn’t gambling. I swear to God I wasn’t!
Wilson: We
trust you, Hector, okay? We know you’re a compulsive
gambler, but I know that you are a scrupulously honest
bookkeeper.
Harding: Yeah,
right. Telephone company records for that payphone outside
your office list 200 calls to a certain bookie in New
Jersey. How do you explain those calls?
Herbert: I
can’t. Unless-unless someone wanted to frame me for the
robbery. Hire my good-for-nothing nephew and make it look
like I was taking the money.
Harding: Yeah,
right. The simple thing is, you did it.
Fraser: I think
there’s a problem with that, Leftenant.
Harding: And
what’s that?
Fraser: Well,
he may have committed the robbery in order to cover his
tracks, that is, if was embezzling from the team, but he
had absolutely no motive for committing the other acts of
vandalism.
Harding: That
may not be a separate thing.
Fraser:
Possibly, although I do think that all of the crimes are
related, and that they revolve around the sale of this
team and of the stadium. Furthermore, they all seem to
share a certain pattern, or what you would call an
M.O.
Harding: What’s
that?
Wilson: Modus
operandi.
Fraser:
Exactly. In each scenario we have a plausible suspect, and
ample evidence to point to them.
Wilson: So it’s
gotta be someone on the inside.
Fraser: Someone
who can move about inconspicuously.
[sheriff’s
office]
Woody:
[crying]
Oh man!
Harding: We
know it’s you. Now why’d you do it?
Woody: Huck.
Well, you saw how he treats me!
Harding: Big
deal. You wouldn’t be the first guy who worked twice as
hard to get noticed half as much. Get over it.
Woody: He stole
Olivia.
Wilson:
[horrified]
You and Olivia? Huck and Olivia? Kelly
and Olivia?
[Rusty bursts out crying
again]
Wilson:
[appalled]
He’s just a kid!
Harding: So you
did it for revenge?
Woody: No, that
was just the icing. I was getting paid.
[baseball
field]
Commentator:
Well, here we have it folks: the final game of the season.
Now just a reminder to all the fans here at the stadium,
please remain seated after tonight’s game for the big
fireworks display. Now, please won’t you join me and rise
for the national anthem, sung by our very own Toni
Lake!
[Toni sings the American anthem]
[outside the
stadium]
Fraser: Okay,
lets have a look at your stance.
Ray: Okay.
Ooookay.
[Kowalski attempts a
stance]
Fraser: Okay.
Um... Ray, you are a pull hitter, so you need to close up
your stance. You lay off anything that’s away. You make
‘em come to you, wait ‘til it’s in your wheelhouse, high
and in. And you have to protect the plate so lean
forward.
[Kowalski bends way over]
Fraser : Lower body forward.
[Kowalski brings his hips in]
Fraser
: Uh, that’ll do. You ready?
[Fraser pitches...
the ball rockets past
Kowalski
<whoosh>
and
punches a hole in the backboard... Kowalski swings &
drops the
bat]
Ray: What on
God’s earth was that, Fraser?!
Fraser
: A cut fastball, I believe they call it. Ray, this time,
don’t even try to hit the ball. Just watch it as it comes
in, and try to count the rotation of the seams as they
come towards you.
Ray: Count the
rotations of the seams. Fraser, I can’t even see it, it’s
a blur!
Fraser: Oh,
sure you can.
[Dief
barks]
Fraser: What
are you talking about? It was a strike on the
corner!
[Dief
barks]
Fraser : Oh great, blind and deaf.
[inside the stadium;
the anthem finishes]
[we come into the game in the 9th
inning]
Commentator:
Hit deep, and it is outta here! Oh you gotta be feeling
for manager Huck Bogart. As the Hawkeyes come to bat on
the bottom of the 9th trailing 6 to 3 with the
bottom part of the order coming in to play. It’s gonna
take some kind of miracle to pull this one out of the
fire.
[Fraser & the
Welsh brothers make their way across the stands]
Harding:
Move.
Fraser: Excuse
me.
Harding:
Move.
Fraser: Excuse
me.
Harding:
Move.
Fraser: Excuse
me.
Harding:
Move.
Fraser: Excuse
me.
[they all sit next
to the mayor]
Cohoon: Welsh,
you, uh, getting ready for your retirement?
Wilson: I don’t
think so, Mayor.
Cohoon
: Always better to plan ahead, Wilson.
Fraser: As you
did, sir.
Harding: We’ve
been checking out your land deals, Mr. Mayor. Seems you’ve
picked up that burnt-out lumber mill, the warehouse, and
the store.
Cohoon: I
bought some worthless property to help out some
friends.
Fraser:
Worthless property that coincidentally adjoins the land
this stadium sits on.
Wilson: Which
you’re also trying to buy.
Cohoon
: What are you saying?
Fraser: Well,
essentially that, as mayor, you had access to information
that makes this parcel of land extremely valuable. And
that you resorted to criminal activity in order to acquire
it. Now we’ve spoken to Woody--
Cohoon
: I don’t have to listen to
this!
[exits]
Harding: I
think that would be a confession.
Fraser: Well,
I’m not sure it would stand up technically in a court of
law, sir, but I think in substance we can certainly infer
that--
Wilson: Guys.
[gives them a
look]
Fraser: Oh.
Understood.
[field]
Commentator:
Bubba Dean, with 3 strikeouts on the night steps in.
Huck: Come on,
Bubba. Come on, boy!
Commentator:
Baldini looks in for the sign. And into the windup, kicks
and deals.
[Bubba Dean is
hit]
Commentator:
Oh, he killed Dean with a high hard one.
Huck: See,
that’s I mean by taking one for the team. Way to go,
Bubba!
Commentator:
...hit batsman in a row! I guess the Hawkeyes’ll take base
runners any way they can get ‘em here at this point.
They’ve loaded the bases with 2 out, down 6 to 3 in the
bottom of the 9th. And I guess you could say
the pressure is on mystery man Ace Leary, as he makes his
way to the plate.
Crowd:
[chants]
Ace! Ace!
Ace!
[Kowalski approaches the
plate]
Huck: Ace! Go
get ‘em
boy!
[outside: Fraser pursues the mayor through the
shadows]
Cohoon: All
right, hold it!
[points
gun]
Fraser: How do
you plan to get away with this?
Cohoon: You.
You’re my ticket outta here.
[throws his cigar,
which lands on a piece of paper underneath a wooden
bin]
[field]
Commentator
: Leary steps back in, goes into that...unorthodox stance.
Baldini looks in, winds and delivers.
[Kowalski doesn’t
move – he’s frozen]
Umpire: Strike
1!
Huck Bogart:
Strike?!
Are you
out of your
mind?!
[outside; Harding Welsh limps on the
scene]
Cohoon: Well,
well. Two for the price of one. Now the three of us, we’re
gonna leave.
Harding: How
did you ever get elected Mayor?
[Wilson appears,
jumps on Cohoon, and disarms him]
Wilson: You
never got my vote.
Harding: Nice
shot, bro.
Wilson:
Thanks.
Commentator:
High and in, and it’s ball three.
Harding
: You know, I am trying.
Wilson: Yeah. I
know.
[field]
Ray
: [muttering]
Count the
seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams.
Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count
the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams...
Commentator:
The season comes down to this. Man against man. A dream on
the line.
[Baldini pitches...
Kowalski swings and connects... the ball sails through the
air, hits the top of the scoreboard, and bounces out, for
the home run! Kowalski trots around the bases as the crowd
goes wild; the discarded cigar has ignited the paper, and
the fireworks go off as Kowalski is lifted onto the
shoulders of his
teammates]
[27th precinct; Kowalski is watching the rerun
of his performance, to the dismay of his
colleagues]
Ray: Look at
that. Look at that. Look at that. Look at how I’m getting
that really good
extension. How I’m seeing the ball. How I’m seeing the
ball really good. Like I’m....actually, I am the ball.
Look at that.
[Wilson Welsh enters
carrying a gift]
Wilson: Gotta
go.
Harding: I’m
only staying 5 minutes.
Wilson: That’s
fine. How’s the foot?
Harding: Good,
good, good. That’s the last time I kick a wastepaper
basket.
Wilson: I
thought it was a junkie.
Harding: Well,
that sounded better. What’s in the package?
Wilson: A
two-speed, reversible, cordless Weed Weasel.
Harding: See,
that’s what I’m talking about! Dad’s been in that building
drinking for 25 years. The last time he saw grass was on
the US Open on ESPN. What was it last year, a power
sander, right?
Wilson: A power
sander.
Harding: You’re
in denial!
Wilson: I am
not.
Harding: You
are!
Wilson: I am
not!
Fraser: Excuse
me. Sir, I’m sure it’s a wonderful gift. Although, as a
rule, I’m not sure it’s a great idea to give power tools
to alcoholics.
Wilson: True
enough.
[exits]
Fraser:
[to
Harding]
Sir, if I may. You know, he is your father, he’s your only
father. There are probably sides to him that you don’t
know about. I only say this because I had a father, my
only father, and... Well, my advice to you is not to wait
until he’s dead to discover those sides. It tends to be
somewhat disorienting.
Harding:
Constable.
Fraser: Yes,
sir?
Harding: Giving
advice to your elders is....
Fraser:
Unbecoming?
Harding:
Unbecoming.
Fraser:
Understood.
Ray: Okay, who
wants to see it again?
[everybody groans
and there is a mass exodus; Diefenbaker barks]
Ray: Oh, you
gotta love this wolf! Okay, check out the
stance....
End