Dead Men Don’t Throw Rice
[motel room; a board
game is in progress]
Fraser: Ah,
Boston Main Railroad, which I’ll buy.
Two-Tone
Jones: One phone call.
Ray: I told
you, no phone.
Jones: I wanna
order a pizza.
Ray: You had
pizza.
Jones: So, I
wanna order another pizza.
Reporter on
TV: ...murder charge against Van Zandt, even though
the body of his alleged victim has never been found.
Tomorrow the prosecution is expected to wrap up its case
with the testimony of a mystery wit--
[Kowalski turns TV
off]
Jones: Hey!
They were just gonna talk about me!
Ray: I’ve
heard enough talk about you. It’s your turn, now
roll.
Jones: I gotta
go to the can.
Ray: Leave the
door open.
Jones: I can’t
go when anyone’s watching.
Ray
: If you’re pee shy then don’t go.
Jones: Hey,
you know, you guys are a stone drag, you know that? How
‘bout some women? How ‘bout some booze? How about some
fast horses--
Ray
: Look, I told you. No women, no booze, no gambling, okay?
No booze, no women, no gambling.
Jones: How
about some soda? Get a little crazy!
Ray: Crazy...
Yeah, okay. I’ll grab you a soda from the machine. What’s
the knock?
Fraser: Once,
twice, once.
Jones: One
lousy drink! I could get killed tomorrow.
Fraser: You’re
gonna be fine, Mr. Jones. You have the full protection of
the state of Illinois. You’ll be relocated with a new
identity.
Jones: If Van
Zandt wants me, he’ll find me.
Fraser: Mr.
Van Zandt is gonna spend the rest of his life in
prison.
Jones: And I’m
gonna spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulders,
pirouetting down the street like
Nureyev in case there’s
someone behind me.
[corridor; Kowalski
returns to the room & sees two people approach the
door]
[inside motel
room]
[knock
knock
knock; Dief barks]
Jones: I’m
dead!
[Jones dives
between the beds; Fraser walks to door... he opens it just
as Kowalski runs & tackles the people through the
doorway]
Ray: Chicago
PD! Stay down!
Fraser: Ah.
Special Investigator Handler.
[Dief munches on the man’s tie]
Agent
Young
: Hey, my tie!
Agent Handler:
Put that psycho on a leash! What the hell do you think
you’re doing?!
[shoves Kowalski
against the door]
Ray
:
[amused]
What the hell do you think
you’re
doing?
Fraser: You
are actually an hour early.
Ray: Not to
mention the secret knock, of which there was none.
Fraser: There
seems to be no harm done.
Agent Handler:
[sigh]
Jones still in one piece?
Fraser: He is,
yes.
Agent Handler:
Well, consider yourself relieved.
Agent Young:
You ought to try decaf, Vecchio, huh?
[corridor]
Ray: Are you
hungry?
Fraser: Well,
I suppose I could, uh...
[Dief yips]
Fraser : No, he wasn’t talking to you.
[Dief
barks]
Ray: I’ll call
Victorio’s. Can you hand me my
phone?
Fraser: Your
phone?
Ray:
Yeah.
Fraser: I
don’t have your phone.
Ray:
Jones!
[they run back to the room: knock, knock
knock,
knock]
Agent Handler:
[voice]
Yeah?
Ray: Vecchio.
[door
opens]
Where’s Jones?
Agent Young:
He’s in the can.
[Fraser knocks on the bathroom
door]
Ray: Open
up!
[Fraser kicks down
the door... Jones is
gone]
[alley; Jones knocks on Van
Zandt’s Restaurant delivery
entrance; two thugs emerge]
Thug: Well,
Two-Tone Jones.
[they pat him down]
Thug
: He’s clean. Come on. Nick’s
waiting.
[inside (empty)
restaurant]
Jones: Thanks
for seeing me, Nick. I’m sure we’ll be able to straighten
out this misunderstanding. Me, testify against you?! No
way!
Nick Van
Zandt:
[uncovers
gun]
That’s correct.
[outside: a
passerby hears two shots ring
out]
[GTO]
Ray: Fraser,
this makes no sense. Why would he go to Van Zandt’s? He’d
kill him.
Fraser: Well,
I’ll admit it’s something of a long shot, but it is
possible that Mr. Jones is looking to negotiate a
deal.
[street; Kowalski
parks the GTO & they get out]
Ray
: That phone cost me 200 bucks.
[a car down the
block finally starts, pulls away & runs stop sign;
sirens sound... patrol cars and FBI pull up beside the
GTO]
Fraser: Ah,
well, I see we’re not the only ones with this idea.
Handler:
That’s far enough, gentlemen. It’s still my operation.
[to Agent
Young]
Deploy some men around the back.
Young: All
right. [to
uniform]
Take a couple round back.
Handler: Your
presence won’t be necessary.
Ray: Oh that’s
rich. They lose the witness and our presence won’t be
necessary? Mmm. Love that.
[alley; door is
slammed in man’s face]
Man 1 (Ira): Oh
man! You gotta be kidding. He says that no one has even
seen Digger for a couple of days.
Man 2 (Vince):
Now what the hell we gonna do?
[*creak*]
Ira: Oh, man.
Would you look at this? You gotta be kidding me.
[two legs stick out of the trunk]
Vince
: How we supposed to get rid of a body without
Digger?
Ira: I don’t
know. Just let me think a minute.
[stuffs the legs
back in, then shuts the lid]
[27th
precinct]
Welsh: Oh yeah.
The excrement is just about to hit the air conditioning.
The officers who raided Van Zandt’s restaurant could not
come up with any evidence that Jones was there. Pass these
out. The State’s Attorney’s Office has lost its star
witness the night before he was supposed to testify. Now
they lost him. It’s our job to find him.
[phone rings... and rings]
Welsh : Miss Vecchio. [taps the phone]
Francesca
: Oh.
[answers]
Bruno’s Fine Meats...
Uhh, squad room.
Welsh: I asked
the extra cars to keep a lookout for Jones. But I think
the probabilities of him still being vertical are slim to
none.
Ray: Stupid
bastard.
Francesca:
Hey, Ray, where’s Fraser?
Ray: Hmm, let
me think. He’s right there!!
[points to Fraser,
standing right in front of her desk]
Francesca: Oh,
right.
Welsh: Dutch!
Fill me in on this Johnson case.
Dutch: I went
by his crib, but he was already in the wind. Slipped with
his two shorties and his main
squeeze. I’m vibing that he
blizzed for the boiler.
Welsh: Okay.
Stay on it. It’s an important case.
Fraser: Ray,
do you recall that car we saw last night at Van Zandt’s
Restaurant?
Ray: It’s a
large city, Fraser, we pass a lot of cars.
Fraser: Well,
this car was particularly...
[Kowalski & Fraser exit; Desk Sergeant approaches
Frannie with a bouquet of flowers]
Desk Sergeant:
These just arrived for you.
Francesca : Oh. Thanks.
Desk
Sergeant
: So who are they from?
Francesca: Oh,
they’re just uh, from um...somebody I uh, well, nobody
really knows I know him, you know. It’s not because I’m
ashamed, ‘cause I’m not. He’s actually very, very
handsome,
and...gorgeous
actually, is what he is. Uh, it’s just that I-I...I kinda
liked someone before, um, and I just can’t even
believe that I
liked this person because
[laughs
nervously]
I am *so* not interested in this person anymore! As a
matter of fact, I just...I think I have to go to the
bathroom. [hurries
out]
[Dief takes the
flowers & follows Frannie; Kowalski & Fraser
enter]
Fraser
: The car I’m referring to, Ray, is a bronze 1984 LTD
Crown Victoria with body filler over the wheel well,
mismatching snow tires, RCW 139, stalled at the
intersection. Now it was reported stolen two hours
ago.
Ray: What does
this have to do with anything?
Fraser: It
could be a coincidence, I suppose. Could be.
[garage]
Ira: No, no,
no. It was actually stolen last night. I just-I just
didn’t notice it until this morning.
Fraser: Excuse
me. It’s probably just me, but if you only noticed the car
missing three hours ago, how can you be sure it was stolen
last night?
Ira: Huh,
right, right. Well, the thing is I uh, you know, I was
gonna go out to the store late last night for some milk
and, uh, cookies but I, you know, I just...I didn’t...the
car wasn’t there, you know? I just-I don’t remember. I
remember now,
but I, you know, I just didn’t notice it at the
time.
Ray: Didn’t
think of it at the time. What are you saying, so the car
somehow, uh, lost its molecular integrity?
Ira: No, I
just-I didn’t see the car so I figured well...maybe
somebody borrowed it.
Ray: Isn’t the
truth of the matter you used the vehicle this morning in
the commission of a felonious act, and now you’ve only
reported it stolen to absolve yourself of any
responsibility or connection to said vehicle?
Ira:
What?
Fraser: That’s
a beautiful paragraph.
Ray: Thank
you.
[the Crown Victoria drives into the lot]
Fraser: That’s
the car.
Ray:
Hey!
[Kowalski handcuffs Ira’s wrist]
Ira: Is that
completely necessary?
Ray:
Imperative.
[Crown Victoria
stalls]
Vince : Oh no! [gets the car started, tries to escape, but crashes] Damn! [nearly runs Fraser over, and crashes again] Jeez!!
Ray
: Public service announcement, *please* buckle up for
safety! Out of the car. Come on. Fraser, I’m out of
cuffs.
Fraser: Dief,
watch him.
[Dief barks; Fraser opens the trunk & investigates]
Fraser
: Carnauba wax. And I think these minute specks will
likely prove to be blood.
Vince: I’ve
never seen him before in my life!
Ray:
Who?
Vince: I don’t
know.
[27th
precinct]
Welsh: Lab boys
can’t promise us anything on the blood for at least 24
hours.
Ray:
Great.
Agent Handler:
Well, we found a gun in Van Zandt’s driver’s room.
Recently fired.
Fraser: If we
could match that gun to a bullet from Mr. Jones’ body,
then you should be able to convince the chauffeur to
testify against Mr. Van Zandt.
Handler:
That’s right. So we gotta get those two rocket scientists
you brought in to cough up the bodies.
Ray: Hang on a
second. Where’s your buddy?
Handler: He’s
working on ‘em now.
Ray: Working
on ‘em-- That’s
my collar!
My
collar!!
Handler:
Hey!
Welsh
: Settle down, Detective.
Handler: You
can handle the interrogation but I want everything. Every
word.
Fraser:
Understood. Ray?
[holding
cell]
Agent Young:
Look, Van Zandt is implicated in the disappearance and
presumed murder of at least nine men over the last two
years. Now what the hell’s he doing with the body, huh?!
You’re gonna talk! I can throw you back in the general
population and spread the word that you ratted out Van
Zandt. How long do you think you’re gonna last? A day? An
hour maybe? How long?
Ray: All
right. That’s it. Beat it.
Young:
What?
Ray: You want
me to open up a can of whoop-ass on you?
Fraser: Ray.
Ray, please. [to
Young]
This is just a jurisdictional issue. I’m sure it can be
sorted out with an appropriate dispute resolution
mechanism, much like the recent Canadian softwood lumber
dispute. [ushers
Young out]
Ray: You guys
okay? You want a soda or something?
Ira:
Yeah.
Vince: Sodas
would be great.
Ray:
[to
cop] Um,
Miller, can you get these guys a soda? Don’t give me that
look. Um, and let ‘em go to the can, and bring ‘em to 1
and 2. Thanks.
[bullpen]
Francesca:
[into
phone] No,
Atlantic City’s good.
Voice : [from phone] Atlantic City?
Francesca : No, really, it’s-it’s-it’s good. I...I love nature.
Voice : [speaks German, sounds like “Da k omm‘ ich nicht darauf was Sie sagen .”]
Francesca : Yeah. Um, listen, I have to go.
Voice : [German, sounds like “ Ich kannt‘ keine Englisch. ”]
Francesca : Me, too. Bye. [hangs up, then hands Welsh a paper]
Welsh
: Blood in the car was type O-positive.
Agent Handler:
Two-Tone Jones is O-positive.
[exits with Welsh
& Young]
Fraser
: Unfortunately, so are 1,940,000 other people in the
greater Chicago area.
[leaves also, but
pauses, seeing Frannie crying
quietly]
[interrogation room 1]
Ira: Look, I
can’t say anything, okay? I can’t. It’s a personal safety
issue.
Ray: Look, I
understand that. All I’m saying is, you give me something
that I can verify independently. You know, then you don’t
have to get involved in this, and I’ll put the word out on
the street that you were the toughest
hardcase I ever had the
displeasure of dealing with.
Ira:
Really?
Ray:
Absolutely. I burnt you with cigarettes, I uh, beat you
with phone books, I punctured your spleen with an ice
pick. Never cracked once.
Ira: I don’t
know nothing. I’m sorry.
Ray: Ira,
don’t think you’re doing yourself any favors here.
[exits]
[interrogation room
2]
Fraser: I see
you’ve hurt your fingers.
Vince: Yeah, I
uh, I burned ‘em with a cutting torch. At work.
Fraser
: You should rub some of this on. It’ll help to prevent
blistering. [places
jar on the table]
Vince: Ah.
Thanks. [begins to
apply the salve]
Fraser: It’s
lichen and elk horn in a base of sea cucumber. I’ve often
used it myself when I’ve had... Well, when I’ve hurt my
fingers. Ice burns. One time I’d fallen into a crevasse
while I was pursuing a rogue taxidermist across a glacial
field.
Vince:
Whoa!
Fraser: I’d
lost my gloves. I had to pull myself up 600 feet using
only my bare hands.
Francesca:
[entering]
Fraser, we
have to talk.
Fraser:
Francesca, this is something of an awkward time.
Vince: Nah,
you should never put work before relationships. That’s
what’s -that’s what’s wrong with the world today.
Francesca:
Yeah, he’s right, Fraser. You know, sometimes we just get
so caught up in our jobs, that uh... Well, we forget the
things that are really important.
Vince:
[aside]
She’s right.
Francesca:
Thank you. Or maybe we just... we’re just afraid to say
what we really feel for uh, lots of different
reasons.
Vince: Fear of
rejection...
Francesca:
Okay, shut up. Can you step outside?
Fraser: Um,
excuse me.
Vince:
Okay.
[corridor]
Francesca: Uh,
Fraser, um...this isn’t going to work between us.
Fraser: It
isn’t?
Francesca:
Well, no. How could it?
Fraser: Well,
I’m not sure what--
Francesca
: Fraser, Fraser, please, please, don’t beg, okay? I don’t
wanna remember you this way.
Fraser:
Francesca, I’m not...I’m a little, uh--
Francesca:
Fraser! You have to face the wall.
Fraser: All
right. [turns around
to face the wall]
Francesca:
Look, I-I... I understand that, you know, this-this-this
may come as a bit of a shock.
[finally sees
him] No,
Fraser! The wall-- You have to face the wall of
reality.
Fraser: Oh.
Ha!
Francesca: I’m
getting married.
Fraser: You’re
getting married.
Francesca:
Look, I-I know this is a bit of a shock, and you’re
probably a
little...shocked.
But, uh, take heart, okay? ‘Cause I-I’m sure that one day
you’re gonna meet someone, and she’s probably gonna be
a-a-a mountain climber, or a snowmobile repair person, and
you’re gonna be happy, too! You know, I mean for my part,
it’s not gonna be that easy, because ours is gonna be a
mixed marriage. I’m Catholic and he’s uh...uh, he’s...he’s
one of those other religions. So.
[pause]
Well, I-I hope we can still be
friends.
Fraser: Oh
yes, of course.
[shakes her
hand] I’m
very happy for you. It’s wonderful news.
Francesca:
Good. [turns &
exits quickly, bursting into
tears] Oh
God!
[GTO]
Ray:
Francesca’s getting married? Who’d marry that?
Fraser: Ray,
Francesca’s a delightful, attractive, intelligent young
woman.
Ray: I know,
Fraser, but you’re talking every day?
Fraser: True
enough.
[they arrive at a warehouse]
Fraser
: [reads side of a
truck]
Eskimo Shipping.
Ray: So you
think the body’s here?
Fraser: Well,
Vince worked here a year ago, and Mr. Van Zandt is a
partner in the business.
Ray: So I
guess if he had a body he’d have to keep it on ice or it’d
be getting pretty funky about now.
Fraser: Shall
we? Dief, care to join us?
[Dief gets
out]
Ray: Eskimo
Shipping. That’s funny, ‘cause when I was a kid, we had
these Eskimo pies.
Fraser: You
know, Ray, the term ‘Eskimo’ itself is sort of derogatory.
It’s kind of like the tomahawk chop of the Atlanta Braves
fans, or Chief Wahoo of the Cleveland Indians.
Ray: You know
not what you speak, ‘cause Chief Wahoo is a cartoon.
[sirens sound...
patrol cars and agents pull up]
Ray: Oh, come
on, this is getting ridiculous.
Agent Handler:
I’ll take it from here, Vecchio.
[marches into
warehouse]
Agent Young:
She’s a bit of a control freak. Sorry.
Ray: Maybe you
can get the sirens turned up. Some people in Pittsburgh
didn’t hear you coming.
Young: I’ll
run that by her.
[Fraser & Kowalski exit... a goon watches them go]
[inside the
warehouse]
Young: Nothing.
Everything’s clean.
Handler: All
right, we’re gonna stop and search every one of their
trucks.
Van Zandt:
Hey! Hey, what do you think you’re doing on my property?
Huh? This is police harassment, Arthur, you sue these
bastards!
Arthur Vole:
I’m on it, Nicholas, I’m on it.
[dials cell
phone]
Handler
: Every truck, understood?
Young:
Understood.
Van Zandt:
You’re finished!
[agents walk
away]
Vole: All
right, Nicholas, Nicholas, I’m looking into it.
Van Zandt:
When I get through with you...!!
Vole: Shh,
please. [into cell
phone]
Hello? Yeah, this is Arthur Vole, attorney to Nicolas Van
Zandt.
Van Zandt: How
do you come onto my property without a warrant, huh? You
got a warrant?!
[Young waves a
paper without turning around]
Vole: I’d like
to see Judge Gorman in his chambers as soon as possible.
[loudly]
I’m going to put an end to this police
harassment of this innocent man at once!
Van Zandt : That’s right!
Vole
: Hello? Yes, we’re on our way...All right, thanks.
[hangs
up] Let’s
go, Nick.
Van Zandt:
[to
employee]
You find Digger! I don’t care if his mother is on an iron
lung. You drag him away from the death bed, you get him
over to the funeral home, you hear me?
Vole: Listen
to me, listen to me. As your attorney, I can’t hear
this.
Van Zandt: So
put your hands over your ears, counselor!
[Vole
does] What
the hell am I supposed to do with Jones’ body, huh? Use it
for a paperweight? If Digger isn’t at the funeral home to
take care of Jones’ body, there’s going to be somebody at
the funeral home to take care of his, you hear me?
[to
Vole] Come
on, what are standing there like an idiot with your hands
over your ears, for God’s sakes! Come on!
[street; Goon puts Jones’ body in the trunk of a
convertible, then drives (past police inspections) to
Benjamin & Sons Funeral
Home]
[27th precinct]
Welsh: Anything
on those refrigerated trucks?
Dewey:
Nothing. You wanna know something? Dead cows are
disgusting.
Huey
: Maybe you should go vegetarian.
Dewey: I’d
rather eat the truck.
Agent Handler:
He got it. Son of a bitch! I can’t believe it. Judge
Gorman granted Van Zandt the injunction. I can’t even go
near the man
‘til after the trial.
Welsh: If we
don’t find the body pretty quick, it’s gonna be a short
trial.
Fraser: It
strikes me that someone as meticulous as Mr. Van Zandt
couldn’t have disposed of nine bodies in a haphazard
manner. He must have had some kind of disposal
system.
Welsh: Good so
far, but do you have any idea what kind of system?
Dewey: Hey,
why don’t we just wale on those two morons we got
downstairs?
Ray: Forget
about it. They just lawyered
up big time. Joel Flatman, I
believe. He works for Arthur Vole, Van Zandt’s
lawyer.
Welsh: He’s
rubbing our noses in it. Does Van Zandt still operate out
of the restaurant on
DuPont?
Dewey: Oh
yeah. The focaccia bread’s
fantastic there. You know, they use like a tiny daub of
nut vinegar or something...
[all give him a
look]
Welsh: I want
somebody in there 24 hours a day. I want photos of
everybody who comes in and goes out.
Huey: Whoa,
whoa, you’re talking hundreds of people here. Van Zandt’s
is a very happening spot.
Dewey: It’s
their lunches. You know, reasonably priced, large
portions.
Welsh: We need
somebody on the inside. Detective Vecchio.
Ray: Yes,
sir.
Welsh: Pick
someone as a cover.
Francesca:
I’ll do it.
Welsh: Miss
Vecchio, this is police work. It could be dangerous.
Francesca:
Well, I want to do it.
Fraser:
Francesca, the Leftenant’s
right.
Francesca:
Shut up, Fraser.
Fraser: As you
wish.
Welsh: You’re
getting married.
Francesca:
Well then, call it a wedding present, okay? Let’s go, Ray.
I can buy.
[they exit; Fraser looks after her,
confused]
[surveillance
van]
[Huey is taking
pictures of customers – including Dewey]
Dewey:
[getting in]
Ah! Smells
good, huh?
Huey: I can’t
believe that you’re doing this.
Dewey: I
always get takeout from them. They’d get suspicious if I
didn’t.
Huey: Mmm. It
does smell
good.
Dewey: Told
you.
Huey: See
Vecchio in there?
Dewey: Yeah.
They’re along the aisle.
[inside the
restaurant]
Ray:
Anything?
Francesca:
Huh?
Ray:
Anything.
Francesca: I
don’t know. I don’t know if I should have the salad, if I
should have something big--
Ray: No, no.
*See* anything?
Francesca: Oh.
No, no. Let me ask you something.
[Fraser is seated at the table behind them, alternately peeking out from behind a menu & hiding]
Francesca
: How could someone be so smart. How can a person know
something so useless, like how much a pound of nails
weighs on Pluto, but they have no idea what’s going on
under their own noses?
Ray:
Noses?
Francesca:
Nose.
Ray
: We talking about Fraser here?
Francesca:
Fraser? [laughs
uncomfortably]
No. That’s ridiculous.
[laughs]
See how funny that is? No, I have-I have
no interest in Fraser.
Waiter: Have
you decided?
Ray: Um... I’m
having trouble deciding between the Tie
Domi and the
Teemu
Selanne.
Waiter: The
Esa
Tikkanen is fresh.
Ray: The
Esa
Tikkanen is fresh. Okay.
Francesca:
Yeah, I’ll have the Ss-ess....
Give me the same.
[Waiter exits; Frannie spots Goon approaching]
Francesca : Hey, I think there’s some guy that knows you.
[Fraser intercepts Goon on his way to their
table]
Fraser: Sir,
excuse me. I wonder if you could help me. Is the
Pavel
Bure steamed or baked?
Goon: Uh, it’s
uh...a-a roasted saddle of salmon, with um, those
petits
lardons over four.
Fraser: It
sounds delicious.
Goon: Well,
it’s not.
[Goon looks back: Kowalski & Frannie have gone... then Fraser has disappeared]
[note: these menu items are names of hockey
players]
[27th
precinct]
Welsh:
[voice]
Come on,
Detective, let’s see those photos!
[Kowalski nearly drops his armload of
pictures]
Ray: You know
how much a pound of nails weighs on Pluto?
Fraser: Well,
of course, Ray. It’s the same as a pound of cheese: 6.4
ounces.
Ray: Okay.
Okay. But, uh, you know what’s right under your
nose?
[into Welsh’s
office]
Ray:
[dumps prints on
Welsh’s
desk] Read
‘em and weep.
Welsh: Oh
good. [sees pic of
Dewey] Oh,
this is sweet. Perhaps later we’ll have a little seminar
on surveillance techniques and procedures.
Dewey: I can’t
believe you took that picture.
Huey: He said
everybody.
Dewey: No, he
didn’t say
everybody.
Huey: Yes, he
did!
Welsh
: All right, look, we’ll separate ‘em out. Put the normal
citizens on the left, the connected
goombas on the right.
Ray: Hey.
Here’s Elmo Angelo, I thought he was in Joliet. Maybe he’s
connected.
Dewey: Oh,
look at this! Tony Orlando.
Fraser: The
singer is involved?
Dewey: Wash
your mouth, Fraser.
Ray:
Goomba.
Welsh: Come
on, let’s get to work, see what we come up with.
Ray:
Goomba.
Dewey: This is
gonna take weeks.
Ray: Maybe
not.
[holding cell; Ira
& Vince watch as cops throw a struggling prisoner into
the next cell]
Prisoner: Hey,
you’re the guys that ratted out Van Zandt!
Vince: Who’s
Van Zandt!
Prisoner: Yes,
you are! You know what we do to stoolies, man? When I get
hold of you I’m gonna rip your head off. You’re dead
meat!!
Ira: I don’t
have to put up with this.
[Prisoner grabs Ira through the bars]
Ira
: Hey! Hey! There’s a freak in here! Get him off
me!!!
[cops &
Kowalski burst in]
Ira: Get him
off me!
[Kowalski &
cops grab Prisoner]
Cop: Come
on!
Ray
: Come on.
Prisoner:
Police brutality!
Ray : Shut up.
[they muscle him out]
Vince
: That guy’s
crazy!
Ira: That’s
going to happen to us everyday.
Fraser: You
know, gentlemen, I certainly don’t want to impose my
feelings here, or my thoughts. In fact, I think that most
people are entitled to make their own decisions, indeed
make their own mistakes. But um...
Ray:
[softly
prompts]
However, if your thoughts are running...
Fraser:
However, if your thoughts are running in the direction of
police protection, I can assure you that the Chicago
Police Department has an excellent plan, with many,
um...
Ray:
[quietly]
Side benefits.
Fraser: Side
benefits.
Ira:
Thanks.
[Kowalski’s desk; a
b+w picture is
shown]
Vince: Ah. Now
he’s back in town.
Ray: Who is
he?
Vince: Tommy
Gallant. They call him Digger. He works at the funeral
home that Van Zandt’s got a piece of over on, uh,
Fourth?
Ira: Yeah,
Fourth. Oh man.
[Prisoner enters bullpen, wearing a badge & putting on his shoulder holster]
Ira
: We ratted out Van Zandt and now, we’re dead. We’re dead,
man. You tricked
us.
[corridor]
Fraser:
[to
Dief] You
know, my grandmother always said no good can come of
lying.
[Dief grumbles]
Fraser : Perhaps she was right. Yes, justice was served, but at what price?
[Dief groans]
Fraser
: You can’t be serious.
Francesca: Hi,
Fraze.
Fraser:
Francesca.
Francesca: Do
you need to talk?
Fraser:
That-that might be helpful.
Francesca:
Okay.
Fraser: I
uh...I lied, to someone. And at the time I thought it was
for their own good, but of course who’s to judge what is
good for another?
Francesca:
Well, um, perhaps it’s time for you to tell that person
how you really feel.
Fraser: I
think it’s gone beyond what I feel.
Francesca: Oh,
no, Fraser. It’s never too late to go back.
Fraser: Even
if there’s jeopardy involved?
Francesca:
Especially if. Just say what you really feel,
Benton.
Fraser: I
lied.
Francesca:
[whispers]
(I knew it!)
Fraser: And it
might serve justice.
Francesca:
Justice?
Fraser: But it
will compromise the lives of two men.
Francesca:
Men? Men?! [stands
& begins
pacing]
I-I don’t believe this. We’re not even on the same
page!
You know, I used to always think that-that
you
were like this-this genius. Either that or
some complete
idiot!
[voice
rising]
Now, I’ve just realized that you can’t even see your nose,
and it’s past your face!
[Fraser looks very confused; a crowd has gathered]
Francesca : Oh-oh-oh, oh yeah. Oh, honor, duty. Yeah, what else can you hide behind, Fraser?! If you just-if you just can’t get out of your little toy...kiddie...life, well then just get out of your car! [stalks off]
[crowd murmurs, then disperses]
[Dief whines]
Fraser: Maybe.
Maybe.
[another
corridor]
Agent Handler:
Jones is in a funeral home in a coffin under another body.
Is that what you’re telling me?
Welsh: Yep.
It’s perfectly possible. The body with the bullet is in
the coffin with the cadaver.
Ray: That’s
fantastic. Where’s the best place to hide a body? In a
grave. This guy must’ve been doing this for years.
Handler: How
are we gonna find this other body? They got a judge on
their side. No judge is gonna grant us a warrant to go
into a funeral home without just cause. We can’t
get just cause
without going into the funeral home.
[into Welsh’s office]
Fraser: True,
but if by some other means we were able to determine that
the body was there, might we not be able to take that
information to a judge?
Handler:
Depends on the means.
Ray: Show ‘em
that thing.
Fraser: Right
I’ll need a stethoscope.
Welsh: I left
mine in my other suit.
Fraser: I’ll
also need a place to lie down.
Ray: I can get
you that.
Fraser: And I
will need the tetrodotoxin from the gland secretions of a
booga toad.
[presents a small
green
frog]
[basement; Desk Sergeant is delivering
mail]
Handler:
[voice]
He looks
dead, all right.
[Desk Sergeant opens the morgue door and sees Fraser lying
inert on a table]
Desk Sergeant:
Oh, god!
Welsh
: It’s all right, Sergeant.
[Handler shines a
light into Fraser’s eyes, checks his pulse]
Ray: Okay,
Fraser, come on, let’s go.
[snaps his
fingers]
Come on, let’s go. Hey!!
[claps his
hands]
Fraser, you’re freaking me out! Come on!
[Fraser blinks
& sits up]
Fraser: I was
pretty far under. I could hear you, Ray, but as though
from the bottom of a deep well.
Desk Sergeant:
What is going on?
Handler:
[pushes Sergeant
out]
Nothing you’ve seen here leaves this room.
[to
Fraser]
How’d you do that?
Fraser: Well,
with the secretions from the
booga toad, you can control
the impulses to the autonomic nervous system, and you can
slow the EEG and ECG waves ‘til they’re virtually
undetectable.
Handler: So
you can go into this trance on command?
Fraser: Well,
not exactly, no. It takes about 15 minutes to go under and
15 minutes to come out.
Handler: How
long can you stay under?
Fraser: Uh,
once in a lean-to on the shores of the
Nahanni I was under for
exactly 36 hours.
Ray: Then what
happened?
Fraser: Well,
then I had to... Well...
Handler
: You had to pee, Constable?
Fraser: Well,
yes. I had consumed roughly the equivalent of a dug-out
canoe’s worth of bark tea.
[bullpen]
Fraser:
Diefenbaker, look at me. Now, no matter what you hear over
the next couple of days, don’t believe it. I will be all
right. You must trust me on this. In the meantime, Ray
will take care of you.
Ray: Hey, Dief
buddy. Come on.
[Dief runs off, after Francesca]
Fraser: Well,
it would seem that he finds her even more attractive now
that she’s betrothed.
Ray:
Hmm.
[funeral home;
Kowalski follows a hearse into the parking lot, then goes
inside. Music: ‘Toccata & Fugue in D Minor’ by J.S.
Bach]
Digger: Mr.
Vecchio? You can come in now.
[he leads Kowalski to a work room, where Fraser lies in a coffin]
Digger
: I added some body to the hair and some color to the
cheeks.
Ray: He looks
good.
Digger:
Thanks. Young guy. It’s too bad. What is that uniform? Is
he an usher?
Ray:
Doorman.
Digger:
Oh.
Ray: One of
the best.
Digger:
Yes.
Ray:
Yes.
Digger: Yes.
Now, this is our Northumbria casket. You said I should
pick one.
Ray:
Yeah.
Digger. Now
this is slightly more expensive than our El Camino or our
Fandango models, but you can feel, here?
[they
do] It’s
got the extra padding.
Ray: Oh yeah.
Got to be comfortable. He’s gonna be there a while.
[they chuckle]
Digger: Now,
also, the Northumbria is absolutely airtight.
[shuts coffin
lid] I
thought, since we weren’t embalming, it was more
appropriate for, uh...
Ray: Longer
shelf life. I hear you, but he’s uh,
claustro-- *was*
claustrophobic. So, can we keep it open?
Digger: Yes,
of course. [opens
lid]
[Kowalski suddenly
gasps, near tears]
Ray : Could I have a minute?
Digger : Of course.
Ray
: Thank you.
[Digger
exits]
Ray:
[quietly]
Fraser?
They’re gonna be closing up here in a little while so I
gotta go. Umm, tell you the truth, I thought h-hospitals
made me nervous, but this place, huh. Yikes. Okay, I’m
babbling. Um, that uh, rouge makes you look like a toy
soldier. [laughs
strangely]
Um, okay, all right, I’ll see you in the morning. Hey, if
you find the body, uh, see if he’s got my phone.
[waves hands in
Fraser’s face... no
response]
Weird.
[27th
precinct]
Ray: Okay,
Diefenbaker. You’re coming home with me. You can’t stay
here, let’s go.
[seen through Diefenbaker’s eyes, with subtitles]
Ray : Yeah, I know, I know, I know, but... Now I’m having a conversation with the dog.
[Kowalski exits; Dief
stays]
[funeral
home]
[Fraser begins to
have an out-of-body experience; he walks down a corridor
toward a light. Music: “Rinse Myself Dry (Space Age
Remix)” by My Brilliant Beast.]
Robert Fraser:
[voice,
echoing]
Where do you think you’re going?
Fraser: Well,
I thought I’d, uh...
Robert Fraser:
[voice]
You don’t want that door.
Fraser: I
don’t?
Robert Fraser:
[voice]
No, son. Over here on the left.
[Fraser opens a
door... it leads to snow-covered woods; Robert waits among
the trees]
Fraser: What
is this place?
Robert Fraser:
The Borderland. Just think of it as an existential
demilitarized zone. Come on, let’s go for a walk. I’ve
gotta tell you a few things. First of all, being dead is
not what it’s cracked up to
be...
[funeral home; Digger & Van Zandt enter the
room]
Van Zandt: Who
said that?
Digger: Said
what?
Van Zandt:
“Being dead’s not all it’s
cracked up to be.” Who said that?
Digger: I
don’t know. Maybe the stiff we’re using.
[points to
Fraser]
Van Zandt:
That’s a funny one. Hey, this guy looks familiar.
Digger: He’s a
doorman.
Van Zandt: Oh
yeah, right, yeah. Yeah, at the, the
Chiltingham. Nice guy. Good
with a door. So when’s he gonna get planted?
Digger:
Brother wants him in the ground tomorrow.
Van Zandt:
Never did like dead guys staring at me.
[closes coffin
lid]
[Digger & henchman place Two-Tone Jones into coffin;
they rearrange the padding, then put Fraser on
top]
[27th
precinct]
Desk Sergeant:
[into phone]
So I’m doing
the mail rounds and I stop in at the morgue, and I see
Constable Fraser....Yeah, he’s the good-looking one.
Anyway, there he is, laid out on a slab, dead. Well, I-I
thought--
Dewey
: [walking past
&
stops]
Wait a minute. What did you just say?
Desk Sergeant:
About what?
Dewey: About
Fraser.
Desk Sergeant:
Fraser who?
Dewey: The guy
you said was just dead. The guy in red?
Desk Sergeant:
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
[into phone]
Look Nicky,
it’s self-basting, 350, one hour, gotta go.
[to
Dewey] I
gotta go. [exits
hurriedly]
Dewey
: Jack, have you seen Fraser?
Huey: Mmm, no.
Why?
Dewey: I think
he might be dead.
Huey:
Fraser?
Dewey:
Yeah.
Huey: What are
you talking about? How can he be dead?
Cop/Prisoner:
Who’s dead?
Dewey:
Fraser.
Cop/Prisoner:
Dead?
Dewey:
Yeah.
Huey: We don’t
know he’s
dead.
Dewey: Well,
have you seen him around here lately?
Huey: I
haven’t seen Chelsea Clinton around here either, but I’m
pretty sure she’s not dead.
[the news spreads like wildfire]
Dewey: I’ve got
a bad feeling about this, Jack.
Huey: Vecchio
would know. [to
cops] Have
any of you guys seen Vecchio?
[cops shake their heads; Duck Boys go to Kowalski’s
desk]
Dewey: This is
a pigsty. [picks up
a legal pad]
Huey: Let me
see that.
Dewey: What,
you’re some kind of junior G-man now?
[Huey rubs pencil onto the pad]
Huey:
[reads]
Benjamin and Son Funeral Home. He can’t
be dead.
[wedding boutique; phone
rings]
Assistant:
Sounds fantastic. Does he have a brother?
[answers
phone]
Hello? It’s for you.
[hands phone to
Frannie]
Francesca:
Thank you. Hello?
[pause]
Oh, my God.
[she runs out, still wearing the wedding dress; she just
misses flagging down a cab, so she runs across the street,
and nearly gets
hit]
Driver: Hey,
look out! What, you come to your senses, or what?
[Frannie keeps going, trips, then gets up & runs]
[Huey & Dewey leave the precinct]
[funeral home; Digger pushes Fraser’s coffin down the
hall]
Van Zandt: What
the hell are you doing?
Digger: We got
the brother coming in.
Van Zandt:
Well, to hell with the brother!
Digger: Mr.
Van Zandt, I got a business here, and it’s got to appear
to be running normally or we’ll draw some heat. Just let
me get rid of the
brother.
[GTO pulls into funeral home parking lot; Kowalski &
Dief walk to the entrance as Huey & Dewey
arrive]
Huey: Ray. Is
it true?
Ray:
[mutters]
Oh,
great.
Huey: Ray,
wait!
[27th precinct; every cop in the department
walks down the
corridor]
[funeral home; Kowalski enters & sees Fraser’s coffin
lid is shut... he runs to open it]
Ray:
[softly but
urgently]
Fraser. Fraser! Can you breathe?
[Dief whines]
Dewey: God,
it’s true.
Huey: I can’t
believe it. Fraser’s like Superman. He can’t
die.
[The Borderland; Fraser & Robert Fraser stroll through
the
woods]
Robert Fraser:
I’d imagine you have a number of questions you want to
ask. Like, is this eternity or just a stopping place? Is
death a transition, or the end of the line, and if it’s
the end of the line do I still have to shave? Questions
along those lines?
Fraser: Yes,
actually.
Robert Fraser:
Yeah, well, you’re on your own there.
Fraser: That’s
great, Dad. That’s really enlightening.
Robert Fraser:
You see, son, in the Borderland, all the questions you ask
are unique to you, and the answers are yours
alone.
[sidewalk; Frannie pushes her way through the crowd]
Man : Hey!
[funeral home]
[a taxi arrives, and Thatcher & Turnbull rush inside;
at the coffin: Dewey, Kowalski, & Huey are looking
down at Fraser, while a rabbi prays]
Dewey
: I remember when that kid died. I was so freaked. I
couldn’t move, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. Fraser
told me that story about the moose on the side of the
mountain. [tears up
and exits]
Ray:
[whispers to
rabbi]
He’s not Jewish.
[Rabbi checks his book, then exits]
Huey
: He told me that story when my car wouldn’t start.
Welsh: Hey.
The guy only had one story. What are you gonna do, sue
him?
[Thatcher &
Turnbull rush in; Turnbull breaks down, cries on Welsh’s
shoulder]
Ray:
[leans in &
speaks very
quietly]
Fraser, I know you’re down a deep well, but maybe you
could come back for a second and tell me if you found
Jones’ body.
Dewey: Ray.
You’ve got to let him go, Ray. Come on, let him go.
[guides Kowalski
gently away from the coffin]
Woman : Higher. Higher! [someone lifts her up, to see the body]
Ray
: One second. I’m good. Okay?
Dewey:
Okay.
Ray:
[leans back in
& speaks very
quietly]
Ray from the material world. It’s Ray from the material
world. Fraser, things are kinda getting outta
hand.
[The
Borderland]
Fraser: Let’s
say I did have a question. One that was unique to me.
Where would I go to ask it?
Robert Fraser:
In here, son.
[points to Fraser’s
chest] You
ask yourself. Your whole life is in here, compressed into
a single point in space and time so that no matter what
direction you step, your destination is the same. Isn’t
that fun? This way.
[they climb some rocks... a city appears behind them]
Robert
Fraser
: Here’s where we come to make sense of everything. You
never know what life means until you die. One of the
Brownings said that. Kurt or
Robert, Tibeau Browning. In
any event, it’s death that gives life significance.
Fraser: So
that door with, uh, with all the light behind it, does
that mean I’m--
Robert Fraser:
Dead? No, son. Look at this as a coming attraction. You’ve
got a few more obligations to
fulfill.
[funeral
home]
[very crowded;
Turnbull is bawling his eyes out... rabbi shows newcomers
to another funeral down the hall... Frannie rushes in,
shoving her way to the coffin, sees Fraser and starts
crying; she picks him up, pillow and all... then she sees
the dead body underneath, and screams
loudly]
[The Borderland; the scream echoes]
Robert Fraser : [covering his ears] Ooh!
Fraser : What was that?!
Robert
Fraser
: I don’t know. That’s never happened
before.
[funeral home]
[Turnbull shouts; he
and Frannie scream together; Welsh rolls his eyes... Van
Zandt and his goons rush in; henchman pulls a
gun]
Dewey:
Gun!
Cops
: Gun!
[all the cops pull
their guns... the coffin lid shuts... Van Zandt takes
Frannie hostage]
Welsh: Van
Zandt. You’ve got nowhere to go.
Henchman: What
are we gonna do?
Van Zandt:
Shut up! This is what’s gonna happen. You’re all gonna
lower your guns. You’re gonna give me a clear path. Empty
the street, give me a car. ‘Cause if you don’t you’re
gonna to have one dead lady on your hands. From
5...4...3...
[The
Borderland]
Fraser: I think
someone’s in trouble.
Robert Fraser:
That’d be one of your obligations.
Fraser:
Thanks, Dad.
Robert Fraser:
Anytime.
Fraser: See
you later.
[Fraser leaps off of rocks
and...]
[... sits up in the coffin; after a moment of stunned
silence, Turnbull faints, then Frannie, Thatcher, Van
Zandt, the organist, then everyone else faints like
dominoes... except for Agent Handler, Agent Young,
Kowalski, and
Welsh]
Welsh: It looks
like Jonestown in here.
Agent Young:
At least it’s quiet.
Agent Handler:
It’s the way I like it.
[cell phone
rings]
Ray: Can you
get my phone?
[Dief happily licks Fraser’s
face]
[27th
precinct]
Ray: Let’s see,
three 99-year sentences. So Van Zandt’s gonna be available
for parole in what...
Fraser: 143
years.
Ray: Ah.
Sergeant:
[to
Frannie]
Someone to see you at the front.
Francesca:
Okay, thanks.
[front
desk]
Francesca:
Hi.
Guy: Hi.
[looks remarkably
like Fraser, wearing glasses and sport coat]
Francesca: Um,
I’m really glad you’re here, ‘cause uh... Listen, uh, I’ve
been thinking about what happened with us, and uh, I just
have some issues that I have to deal with. And it has
nothing to do with you. I just don’t think it’s a very
good idea that we get married right now. Or at all.
Guy:
[in German]
Da
k
omm‘ ich nicht darauf was Sie
sagen
. [English
subtitles: “I have no idea what you are
saying.”]
Francesca: I
know this is difficult, but it’s really for the
best.
Guy:
[in German]
Als ich Ihnen wollen sagte, ich kannt‘ kein
Englisch.
[subtitled: “As I told you before, I can’t speak a word of
English”]
Francesca
: English, yes, see? It’s good, you understand.
Guy:
[in German]
Sie Chicago Mädchens sind
merkwürdiger
. Ich müss jetzt
gehen
, my little pumpkin.
[subtitled: “You
Chicago girls are strange. I must go now,
meine kleiner
Kürbis
.]
[he kisses both of her cheeks, and exits]
Guy : Bye.
End