The Morning After (Which Involves A Cow)

If someone - let's say Oz – (because good old Oz wasn't around anymore to freak Xander out by actually asking this) asked Xander what his first thought would be upon waking up the first morning of the rest of his life with an unbreathing mouth between the shoulder blades, Xander would have said corpse! (or vampire! - which was equally important in Sunnydale and more accurate) or even holy crap, that was incredible sex. Who knew Evil Undead could fuck like a professional whore and maybe if I'm really good, he'll do it again.

He wouldn't have said did I remember to tell Willow I'm actually gay?

Willow knew he thought he might be kind of gay.

Shopping around gay.

Window-shopping, browsing the aisles, strictly not touching, not milk drinking and definitely not buying the cow gay.

Boy did that change.

Hey, Wills. How am I doing? Oh. Fine. Fine. Bought a cow...dead one.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure. My ass thinks its got a lifetime all-rides pass to Happyland and the rest of me feels all tingly and wants to ride the Loop The Loop again – or maybe the Wet ‘n’ Wild. Yeah, I'm sure this is the cow for me. I am a lactose tolerant, wild ride taking, one cow crazy guy.

Xander winced. Okay so that probably wouldn't go over so well.

Also?

Way too far with the pastoral imagery. Because ew.

"What's so funny?"

Vampire breath between the shoulder blades tickled.

"You're my cow," Xander informed him and let Spike roll him over onto his back in a boneless sprawl.

"Beginning to see why you weren't popular with the ladies, luv."

"Done buying milk at the store. Pretty much done buying milk. Not - y'know - that I was a regular milk buyer or drinker before you. I liked to think about milk in a kind of nervous 'are you sure it's been pasteurized and is disease free?' way."

Spike was peering deeply into his eyes and not in the romantic besotted way - okay, not much in the romantic and besotted way.

"What?"

"Lookin' to see if I knocked something loose in there last night."

"Oh there's plenty loose in here. In fact, feeling very loose. And slippery. Also free and easy. Possibly a little squish - "

Xander moaned into Spike's mouth and gave it up for buying the cow.

"Moo," Spike said.