Ianto crawled out of bed after managing to silence the alarm on the third go, feeling nauseous and wobbly and cursing himself for forgetting his own rules about drinking plenty of water post-hitting the bottle, and pre-bed.

Sitting on the edge of the mattress he made himself turn and check that he was alone.  He’d dreamt about Bryn, or Jack, and it had felt – still felt – very real, as if one or the other had actually been here, but it couldn’t be Bryn, and if it had been Jack he’d still be here, surely.

Ianto absent-mindedly scratched at his belly, picking off flakes of dried semen.

“Jack,” he called, not entirely sure why.

No tingle, no answer, no Jack.  It wasn’t as if he wanted to see Jack.  But if Jack had been there at least then Ianto would have had the reassurance of making sure he eventually wasn’t.  Or something.

“I’m losing it.”

Ianto creaked into action and staggered to the shower.

…

Braced for impact from the moment he arrived at work, Ianto was grateful to find Jack amiable enough but evidently preoccupied.  Ianto presented him with coffee and toast for breakfast, and received a distracted smile, a quick ‘Thanks’, and a good view of the top of Jack’s head as his attention returned to the book before him on the desk.

“Would you like me to ensure that you’re not disturbed, Sir?” Ianto asked.

Jack nodded without looking up, and Ianto closed the office door on his way out.

Happy with his reprieve but insuppressibly curious, Ianto checked through all the reports they’d received since he’d left the previous afternoon, finding nothing of great import or what he imagined to be of huge interest to Jack.  He wished he’d sneaked a better look at the book, but time was moving on and he had to take his place in the Tourist Office to see his colleagues in and warn them that Jack was a no-go area.

…

Jack wasn’t reading.  His eyes may have been pointing at the page in front of him but he didn’t even know what the book was, it had been sitting anonymously in his office since before his trip with the Doctor and he’d just grabbed it up when he’d heard Ianto entering the Hub.

Unable to resist pushing his luck with Ianto after the perceived breakthrough, Jack had used Ianto’s spare keys to enter his house, join him in bed, and…be completely humiliated.  He should have left the moment he’d smelt Ianto had been drinking, but in his arrogance he thought it would simply make the seduction easier, Ianto was already his, after all.  Too inebriated to wake fully, all Ianto could think of was his boyfriend, Jack didn’t appear to warrant a moment’s consideration.  It was a stark reminder: never take anything about Ianto Jones for granted.

Beyond his office, life was carrying on as usual: his team arrived, even Owen, although the man had to turn the entire upper half of his body to look from side to side – that would have amused Jack under other circumstances – and Ianto was serene and smiley amongst them as he brought drinks and pain medication.  Jack surreptitiously observed as Ianto gently massaged Owen’s neck and shoulders while the doctor grumbled and the women poked fun and promised that Ianto was the person for that particular job, citing ‘treatment’ for sore backs and pulled muscles.

Despite looking as if he were about to snarl any second, Owen tolerated the attention and eventually his head began to regain some independent movement.  Nice of Ianto, and Jack knew he’d help any of them out providing they were prepared to listen to how Lisa had taught him, but it appeared too intimate, especially without a soundtrack, and kept reminding Jack of how Ianto had dashed off to Owen’s yesterday the moment he was summoned.

The book flew across the room and crashed against the glass; startled faces turned in his direction but he was already up and pacing and ready to scream in frustration at his ludicrous behaviour.  He ignored the first few taps at the door, but eventually waved in a visibly worried Ianto.

“Call me sir and I’ll kick you out,” he warned the moment the door was shut, not about to settle for impersonal.

With a single nod, Ianto ventured a little closer.

“What’s wrong?”

“I shouldn’t have come back.”

“What?”

The colour drained from Ianto’s face, which made feel Jack feel better and worse.

“I’m feeling…  I d’know.  That maybe I came back for the wrong reasons and now I’m paying for it.”

“What brought this on?”  Jack shrugged irritably and paced; Ianto retrieved the book and tidied the battered thing up before looking at the title.  “‘Existential Psychotherapy’,” he read aloud.  “That’ll do the trick, every time.  I’ll take this away and find it a nice snug home in the furnace.”

“We need to talk.”

“The human condition?”

Jack stopped before Ianto.

“The captain’s condition.”  Levering the book from where Ianto was clutching it like a shield, Jack tossed it onto the desk.  “Let’s take a walk.”

“Jack…”

“This isn’t the talk, it’s a talk.”

“All right,” Ianto unenthusiastically agreed.  “I’ll meet you in reception.”

Jack watched Ianto leave before fetching his greatcoat and sliding into it.

“We all off somewhere?” Gwen asked a little desperately as he left his office.

“No,” Jack snapped.  “Ianto doesn’t need protecting from me.  Get on with your work, all of you.  By the time I get back I want answers to questions I haven’t even thought of yet.”

“Shit,” Gwen said as Jack disappeared from sight, and all Toshiko and Owen could do was agree with her in-depth analysis of the situation.

…

They wandered around the Bay, finding a secluded spot with a bench and sitting.  The oppressive silence grew and grew until Ianto couldn’t bear it any longer.

“You’d really leave again?”

“I didn’t say I’d leave.  I said I shouldn’t have come back.”

More silence.

“The captain’s condition,” Ianto mused.  “I hope it’s nothing to do with the tea boy.”

“When I woke up after Abaddon, why wasn’t it you with me?  Why was it Gwen?”

Ianto blinked in surprise at the question, but took his time to mull it over.

“Probably because Gwen isn’t as hopeless – that is, as without hope – as the rest of us.  She lost Rhys but she got him back.  The rest of us just…lost.”  Despite his foul mood, Jack drew breath to sympathise but Ianto deflected the oncoming sentiment with a brusque gesture.  “Is that a good enough answer?  I don’t have anything much better beyond fear, grief and rage.”

“Why fear?”

“I’d already seen you rise from the dead once.”

“And that scared you?”

“Yes.  What scared me more was the possibility you wouldn’t do it again.”

Ianto slid along the bench until he could comfortably reach Jack’s hand.  He held it, tightly and without comment.  Ianto’s fingers were freezing, so Jack picked them up and blew on them before tucking both their hands into his coat pocket.

“Better?”

Ianto smiled and Jack’s mood lightened, just a little.  The next silence, as Ianto formulated a question of his own, was more comfortable.

“If we’re asking ‘Why Gwen?’, why did you take her with you when you faced Abaddon?  Why didn’t you take me?”

Jack really couldn’t be bothered, but he sighed and answered nevertheless.

“Firstly…you would have tried to stop me.”

“Didn’t Gwen?”

“Yes, but you would have been more likely to succeed.  If I’d hesitated, there’s every possibility that none of you would be here now.”

Ianto accepted that and nodded.

“Secondly?”

“I knew what I’d have to do, and didn’t want you to witness it.”

“You still wanted to protect me, after what I’d done to you?”

“After what Bilis did to all of us.”

“Don’t excuse me, Jack, I don’t expect that.”

“I’m understanding, not excusing, you know how I feel about all this.  But God knows if it happened again I’d kick all your asses from here to Glasgow and gift you to Torchwood Two.”

“Is there a thirdly?”

“Not an acceptable one.  Not acceptable to you, at any rate.”  Ianto waited, staring at Jack questioningly.  “I wanted to die,” Jack eventually admitted.  After a retrospective moment, he softly reiterated the point, “I wanted to be dead.”

“That…  That hurts.”

“I know.  I did say it would be unacceptable.  If you’d been with me, if you’d known what I was thinking, you’d have taken it personally.”

“I wonder why,” Ianto said caustically.  “But it’s all right to tell me now?”

“Yes.”

“What’s changed?”

Jack huffed a brief, ironic laugh.

“You don’t want to know.  Apparently.”

Ianto stared at Jack for a full minute.  Jack ignored him until he shifted closer.

“Kiss me, Jack.”

“Why?”

“Because sometimes I feel like I’m the one who died and no-one told me.”

Frowning, Jack leaned in and kissed the offered mouth.  Several times, several ways, with varying degrees of ‘is this what you want?’.  Ianto accepted them all without bias.

“You’re not dead,” Ianto was promised.

“Thank you.”

Leaving Ianto’s hand in the warm, Jack removed his own and slid his arm around Ianto’s shoulders.  They gazed out over the water, absorbing a little of the bay’s tranquillity.

“I miss you,” Jack whispered.

“Yes.”

Another ten minutes and they were in danger of having extremities frozen off.  A last one-armed hug and Jack stood, tugging Ianto to his feet.  When Jack smiled, Ianto could see that the earlier lunacy had passed.

“Fancy a nooner?” Jack grinned.

“Before elevenses?” Ianto responded in faux shock.  “Are you mad, man!”

Jack reached out to Ianto and was delighted beyond words when his approach was accepted; they strolled back to the Hub, hand-in-hand.

A little alone time with Ianto and Jack was back on an even keel; a little alone time with the captain and Ianto was back to panicking about what Jack would say next to rock his world.

…

Jack and Toshiko had been out of the Hub for several hours; when they returned it was clear from her constant glances that Toshiko was waiting for Jack to run along so she could pass on some gossip.  The impatience filtered through to Gwen, and they practically fell on one another the moment Jack left.

“What, what, what?” Gwen demanded.

Owen pretended to be disinterested, but not very well.

“Okay.”  Toshiko took a deep breath.  “One of the most gorgeous women I’ve ever seen in my life made a pass at Jack and…”

“Terrific,” Owen griped, “I suppose that’s where he’s gone.  Now we won’t see him for days.”

“He didn’t.  Even.  Notice,” Tosh finished with suitably dramatic pauses.

The three of them exchanged glances that began with shocked concern and ended on a hearty what the fuck?  Then, as one, they looked across the Hub to where Ianto was pottering about.  He felt their gaze on him and turned.

“What?”

“That’s precisely what we want to know.  What have you done to him?” Toshiko asked.

“Nothing.”

“You must have,” Gwen insisted.

“Nothing,” Ianto repeated with honest innocence.

Owen sank into his chair.

“Fucking hell.  You broke Jack’s flirt.”

“I’ve done nothing!”

“You broke Jack’s flirt.”  Owen turned back to Toshiko.  “Gorgeous, you say?”

“Gorgeous,” Toshiko confirmed.

“What a waste.”

“Not exactly,” Tosh smiled smugly.  “I got her number.”

Jack bounded into the Hub before Owen could make any inappropriate offers.

“Owen, I need you at the hospital; Tosh, go with him, you’re up to speed on what Shelley told us.”  Jack took a second to register the way everyone was staring at him.  “What?”  Nothing.  “What?”

There was sudden bustle of activity as Owen and Toshiko left and Gwen returned to her work station.  Jack strolled over to Ianto, too pointedly casual to be up to anything other than no good.  He gave a quick nod toward his office.

“No.” Ianto told him.  Another nod, the usually winning smile.  “No!” Ianto protested.

“Why not?”

“No.  Not until…  Go and flirt with Gwen.”

“What?”

“You heard.”

“Why am I flirting with Gwen?”

“It’s what you do.”

“But…”

“Just do as you’re bloody told for once!  Sir,” Ianto belatedly added.

Ianto stood his ground and glared; Jack, big-eyed and hands raised in surrender, went to flirt with Gwen.

…

Eleven-thirty pm.  Ianto had been expecting the call, just thought it would be earlier.

“Jack.”

“You sneaked away, I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.”

“You were busy.”

“It was general research, it could have waited.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“You didn’t bother to find out.”

“You’d closed the door.  I thought that perhaps you didn’t want to be disturbed.  Like this morning.”

“It was nothing like this morning.  You fixed that.”

“Was it me you were angry with?”

“No, it was me.”

“Can’t help then, can I?”

“No more than you have.”

The tone of Jack’s voice sent shivers over Ianto’s body.  At the moment Jack could read him a shopping list and he’d get off on it.  The safest sex he could think of was avoidance-based.

“Jack, do you still have my spare keys?”

“Yeah.  Want me to use them?”

Ianto sighed.  Temptation was a bastard.

“No.  I’d like them back, and I’d like you to not break in again.”

There was a long, painful pause.

“Okay.”

“It’s not that…  It’s just…  It’s not appropriate, is it.”

“You think that one night I’ll be drunk enough to fuck Bryn by mistake?”

“Don’t even joke about it.”

“I’ll let you have them tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

“We still booking for Vienna?”

“I’ve found a couple of places that might be worth checking.  All the really flashy hotels are booked up, but these are nice enough.”

“I didn’t think you’d go through with it.”

“I said I would.”

“Are you dreading every moment?”

“Not dreading,” Ianto answered ambiguously; it wasn’t wasted on Jack.

“I think I’d better drop the subject while I’m still in the picture.”

“Yes, I have to get some sleep.  Will you try?”

“I’m not tired, not at all.”

“What will you do then?”

“I’ll find something.  I always do.”

“Keep away from that book.”

Jack laughed.

“You don’t have to worry about that.”

“G’night, Jack.”

“Bye.”

Stupid reaction, but that ‘bye’ shook Ianto.  A goodbye from Jack after the captain admitting he shouldn’t have returned was enough to twist Ianto’s gut into knots.

Ianto went to bed, but as soon as he was settled he phoned Jack, and they talked until he fell asleep mid-sentence at three in the morning.

Jack spent the remainder of the night contentedly listening to Ianto’s breathing.

Attrition 15       Attrition Index       Attrition Notes

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