by Lazuli

Part 11 ~ Stand

Ray had been spending an interminable amount on the phone, and was feeling guilty about Ben having no genuine company, so in one of his brief hiatuses he took Ben’s cell and called Ray Kowalski, not giving Ben any choice, or any indication of who he’d be talking to, before handing the phone over.

As Ray went back to the sixth call to Jameson of the day, he watched Ben’s face and saw the reticence turn to happiness as he remade a connection he’d inadvertently allowed to lapse. Ray was jealous, and had to remind himself that he was Ray Vecchio and Ray Kowalski wasn’t, and that Ben and Ray had their own close friendship that was nothing to do with Ray Kowalski being Ray Vecchio. Damn, it was exhausting, and Ray was realistic enough to call himself petty and ridiculous, although, still screwed up after Las Vegas was far closer to the truth.

Last call made, and when Ben realised Ray was taking a break he said his farewells and hung up.

“Ray says hi.”

“How is everyone?”

“Very well, but their eldest is quite the handful by the sound of it. At ten to four this morning Stella declared that she loves Ray very much, but currently likes you a whole lot better.”

In his head Ray could hear that comment in Stella’s voice. It made him laugh.

“I take it this would be because I kept my reproductive capabilities to myself?”

“Seems to be.”

“That’ll teach her, getting what she wants.”

Chuckling to himself as he went to the kitchen, the smile was knocked from his face by a tap at the door. Mail. He braced himself before collecting a few envelopes from Pete, but was grateful to see bills and subscription requests rather than semi-anonymous threats.

He turned to see Ben watching, and waved the harmless items at him.

“All clear.”

“Do you think the police officer in the lobby would have removed anything suspect?”

“Not without telling me.”

That satisfied Ben, and he wheeled away.

After making some drinks and following Ben into the living room, Ray waited for more gossip care of the phone call with Ray, but Ben’s mood had shifted thanks to the thought of the postcard, and what it signified.

“Is there any news?” he asked Ray, not needing to clarify what he was asking about.

“Okay, where to start…” Ray thought about what he knew, and whether he was going to pass everything on. “CCTV from across the street picked up someone dropping the postcard off. Impossible to make out the face, but it’s the right build for Ethan.”

No reaction from Ben to the name. Ray breathed a sigh of relief and hoped it wasn’t premature.

“How was his manner?”

“Casual. No sneaking around or looking over his shoulder. Totally relaxed.”

“I can imagine that, he was…”

Ben tailed off and Ray was ready to intervene in some way. Not that he knew what he’d be doing but he was ready to do it.

“Shall we leave this for now? There’s nothing that you absolutely need to know, and if it stirs up bad thoughts, why go there?”

“I coped yesterday.”

“You were still full of drugs yesterday. And yesterday you hadn’t just had the night you’ve just had.”

Ray wondered how much Ben recalled of the night. It was understandable that the nightmares would be excruciating after what he’d been forced to think about and recount, and after sleeping the day away he’d changed his mind regarding his earlier request, refusing the medication that would make the night easier.

Time and again Ray had needed to bring him out of traumatic dreams, and listening as Ben emerged, unconsciously spilling details that were hard to hear, let alone live with the memory of. Towards morning things had changed, and then it had all been about being abandoned. The repeated pleas for Ray not to leave him were heartbreaking, and no amount of soothing words or gentle strokes could bring any comfort. Dawn had taken forever to break, but with the light they’d both fallen into exhausted sleep, Ray holding on tightly and Ben clutching Ray’s arm in a deep grip.

Any hopes of a stress-free start to the day had been quashed when, the minute they were awake, Ben insisted on studying whatever maps Ray had available in an attempt to pin down the precise area where his horror story had occurred.

“Benny, you were incredibly brave yesterday. How about today you don’t put yourself under that pressure again?”

“If there’s anything to know, I have to hear it.”

“But there’s nothing crucial.”

“To you. Maybe it will mean something to me.”

“Or maybe you’ll be disappointed with the lack of progress.”

“I can live with that.”

“Benny…”

“I know you’re trying to protect me, and I appreciate it. But as a man who’s been hunted to the verge of death, and seen and experienced things that my mind is struggling to cope with, to the point that it’s literally crippled me… I think dealing with a little disappointment over the lack of progress is something I can cope with.”

Ray was silent in response, wondering how a man was supposed to get over everything that Benny had been through, and wishing he had the words – any words – to bring some comfort. So maybe a few minutes of unhelpful information was all he could offer, and it would have to do.

“There is CCTV in the reception of the IRF, but there’s nothing to pin down when the card was dropped off. Miriam is certain it was in an unmailed envelope, with just Benton Fraser – spelt wrong, with a z – written on it. There’s no-one on the CCTV that fits Ethan, and there’s no way he’s going to pass unnoticed in the gear he’s wearing.” At Ben’s questioning look, Ray clarified: “When he dropped the postcard off he was covered, head to toe, even had a scarf that masked everything but his eyes. At the moment we’re working under the assumption that someone else was asked to drop the card off at the IRF’s reception.”

“He could have deliberately changed his appearance. If the officer’s checking the CCTV footage are looking for a hunter, someone dressed as if they’re on a day trip isn’t going to stand out.”

“They’ve been searching for men of a type, and have managed to identify and exclude everyone who fits the profile. However he was dressed they’d have flagged him. He can’t change his height or build.”

Ben considered and nodded.

“Then it makes sense he asked someone else to deliver the card.”

“There’s nothing useful from CCTV in the vicinity of the IRF, but they’re checking again. I personally spoke to one of the managers, and she assured me that no-one would be able to wander about in the building without being challenged if they weren’t there for a specific reason. This guy sounds a slippery bastard so he may have found a way around that, but at this point I’m confident he was never in the building.”

“Then I didn’t hear him.”

“I would say no. Is that any comfort?”

“I imagine it will be, in time.”

“Miriam sends her love, by the way.”

“She said that?”

“Sure. She was your guardian angel, she’s not going to offer her kind regards.”

As Ben took that in and appeared to appreciate it, Ray checked his notebook.

“There’s been no activity around this building to raise any concerns. No strangers hanging about or walking past time and again for no reason, same with vehicles, just the usual traffic, no repeat drive bys. No new lets in properties that this one can be observed from, roofs and fire escapes have been checked and found empty, no signs of anyone loitering.”

“I understand now what you meant about a lot of nothing, but are there any somethings?”

“You know Welsh made a few Canadian contacts during the days when you were haunting the department?”

Ben smiled at that.

“Yes.”

“Well, one of them may have found something.”

The serious face was back; Ben perked up immediately.

“What kind of something? A case?”

“When Welsh gave this guy details about what happened to Sara and John, it rang a bell. I don’t think you know him, but maybe. He’s a retired Mountie, just about your father’s generation, his name’s Albert Ostinger.” Ben shook his head. “You know you said what happened was in the middle of nowhere? That’s exactly what Albert said. A couple of hunters had made a report of findings, body parts and remains, that they didn’t think were animals, so they gave Albert the details. When he investigated he found something similar to what you described, a drawn out murder scene with remains that had been disturbed by animals, but the bones had distinct saw and knife marks, so this was not the unfortunate death of someone who got in the way of a bear or a cat.

“Albert spent a lot of time trying to find out who the body was, but because there’s no way of IDing the remains it came to nothing. When he starts talking to other people in the area, locals and Mounties, another case comes up with a similar set of circumstances, even further away from civilisation, and with even less chance of finding out who the victim is because there’s nothing but bloodstains and tiny fragments of bone left. Now, that was assumed to be an animal taking down a hunter or someone, but on re-examining the fragments, they managed to find similar saw marks.”

“Is anyone out there now, looking for Sara and John’s remains?”

“I passed on the coordinates you gave me. Someone’s out there looking.”

“And at least they’ll be safe because Dean is dead and Ethan is here.”

“Small mercy. I don’t envy them what they’ll find when they get there.”

“They’re most likely to find Sara, but she wasn’t murdered by the brothers.”

“She may as well have been.”

“I agree, but you know as well as I do that a good defence lawyer would get a murder charge thrown out.”

“You’re missing out the most crucial point here.” Ben looked at Ray, waiting for him to elucidate. “You. You’re about the best witness anyone could hope for.”

“Am I though? When I was so traumatised by my experiences that I couldn’t even give my name when I was rescued and taken to hospital? There’s no record of myself as a victim because I was a John Doe.”

“I see what you’re saying, but the medical staff who dealt with you will remember you. And if they’re got hard evidence like x-rays and scans, we could prove it was you without any doubt.”

Ben thought that over, nodding in agreement as Ray’s argument sank in and made sense.

“I can’t help doubting myself. Is that the PTSD, do you think? Or is my subconscious trying to tell me something?”

“Mentally, you are very sharp, but emotionally very…wobbly,” Ray said. “You’re getting stronger all the time. Yesterday was as bad as it gets, the night was almost worse, but today you’re good. I don’t think you’d have been able to have this conversation a couple of weeks ago.”

“Talking therapy.”

“That’s right.”

“But I did always insist that it was you I needed, not a psychiatrist.”

“And Doctor Lee will be picking that apart this time next week.”

“Only if this version of you turns out to be a hallucination.”

“Don’t even joke about it.”

Ben gave Ray an affectionate smile, a ‘just like the old days’ smile, with no buried trauma peeking out, or hidden context, accusations or doubt. As Ray dwelt in the past, Ben moved on.

“Are missing persons being checked? Young women who’ve disappeared, followed closely by a male friend or relative? We have to assume the brothers have used this method before to supply Ethan with victims for his games.”

“We’ve started out with female mispers, but you know as well as I do, so many women go missing all the time. I’m sure someone has thought of cross-checking male disappearances, but I’ll call and make sure.”

“Have air and rail passenger logs been checked? He had to follow me somehow.”

“We’ve got all that covered, any route or method. Nothing’s flagged up, but it would be easy for him to hitch lifts, or hide in the back of trucks.”

“I feel like I’m missing something.”

“Probably a nap. That was a tough night.” Ben drew breath to apologise, but Ray saw him off. “Don’t bother saying sorry like you can help it. You can’t, and I understand. We’ll get through this.”

“Thank you.”

“Now, more calls. You want help getting into bed?”

Ben shook his head and crossed to where Ray had made a pile of the distractions he’d bought, selecting a pack of cards and wheeling himself to the dining table. Ray watched as he laid out a game of solitaire, appearing calm and composed, and… ‘How?’ Ray wondered. After everything he’d heard, just how was calm and composed even a thing?

But there were phone calls to make; analysing Ben’s extraordinary mental reserves would have to wait.

…

As the day wore on, their energy wore off. They napped, only waking when Ray’s phone rang for what felt like the hundredth time that day.

“Nothing yet,” Ray told Ben’s disappointed face as he hung up.

“Then why did they call?”

“The trouble with being kept up to date, is being kept up to date. Could be something or nothing. I’m not telling you anything you don’t know.”

Ben grumpily agreed to get back in his chair, and Ray risked calling out for pizza, knowing that between them, Pete and the lobby cop wouldn’t be letting in anyone bearing murderous intent along with their food.

They got to a point where any further speculation about what Ethan would do next was forbidden for the evening. Ray turned the TV on, ignoring Ben’s automatic reaction when his hearing was impeded, and letting the contained tantrum remain contained. Ben obliged, but he didn’t look happy about it.

After flicking around the channels, Ray found a peaceful documentary about sea life, which satisfied his need for a diversion, and Ben’s need for as quiet a programme as possible. Out of the corner of his eye, Ray noticed Ben fight down a back spasm, and then another, doing his best to ignore an occurrence he found quite disturbing, regardless of his assurances that they were of little bother.

But then Ben’s foot was twitching, independently of any other spasms.

“Is that new?” Ray asked.

The twitching had to be pointed out to Ben as, providing they caused no pain, he was becoming oblivious to his body’s new oddities.

“I haven’t been aware of it doing that. But it would be more likely to irritate you than me.”

“Can you feel anything new?”

“No. And as I’ve told you before, I do have feeling, just not use.”

“You don’t think…?”

“What?” Ben asked scornfully. “You think I’m about to miraculously leap to my feet?”

“Hello! Temporary condition alert!”

“Don’t you think I’d know?”

“I’m not sure you would.” Ben rolled his eyes and looked away. “Would you acknowledge something feeling different?” Ray pressed. “While you’re so negative…”

“Stop it. You have no idea of how hurtful this is.”

“It’s my job to be a pain in the ass and push you.”

“Says who?”

“Miriam.”

Ben’s anger wilted at that, and Ray made a mental note that he could probably use Miriam to manipulate Ben into any kind of compromise.

“Any movement is random and uncontrollable,” Ben said rigidly. “So…”

“Want to try standing up?” Ray asked.

Stunned was not the word. Ben gazed at Ray as if he’d gone mad.

“No.”

“C’mon, let’s try.”

Ray was already on his feet and making an approach so confident that Ben began to doubt himself.

“Ray… How can I?”

“You put your arms around my neck, and I hold onto your waist, and I stand you up, and you see if you can manage it for yourself for a single second. If not, I sit you back down, and get us both lots and lots of sedatives, and we get on with our lives.”

“That’s very flippant for someone in my situation.”

“I’m not going to drop you, I carried you around a continent when you were many, many pounds heavier.”

Ben stared; Ray smiled.

“Oh, good heavens, you’re serious.”

“Trust me?”

“Are you— Actually…yes.”

“Trust yourself?”

“No.”

“Okay, we’ll stick with me then. Trust me, Benny, and give this a shot. That foot is trying to make a break for it, we owe it a helping hand.”

Ray strolled around the room while Ben agonised over his decision. One lap, two laps, and then watching as Ben grasped his right, then left leg, lowering his feet to the floor before looking to Ray, already raising his arms. Ray shot back to him, leaning down and letting Ben get a firm hold. Then, hands tight on Ben’s waist, Ray helped him to stand, ignoring the panicked breathing and the sweat breaking out on Ben’s brow. Once Ben was up Ray balanced him, and gradually loosened his grip. Still hanging on to Ray, Ben stood, taking his own weight for what could only be seconds, but he stood.

At the first wobble Ray resumed his hold, carefully lowering Ben into his chair.

“Well…that happened,” said Ray, bobbing down to eye level.

Ben was staring at his hands, trying to control the mad shaking. A wave of guilt was almost enough to make Ray regret his actions, but… Ben stood. Ray took both of Ben’s hands in his, holding firmly enough to control the tremors. It took a moment for Ben to meet his eyes.

“Thank you,” he murmured.

“You mean that?”

“Yes. I was scared, but…”

“You were on your feet.”

Ben wriggled his hands around so he could hold Ray’s back.

“Because you were keeping me upright.”

“Not for a few seconds at the end. You did it, Benny.”

Ben shook his head as if he was waking from a dream. A good one at last.

“You think…?”

“It’s a start. Not a miracle, a start.”

“But I can’t do it without you.”

There was a depth to that statement that made Ray’s breath quicken. Was there more going on than what was on the surface? Ray took a split second to consider and chose not to go there, for his own sanity.

“You don’t have to do it without me.”

“Ever?”

“Ever.”

…

Was that the PTSD talking, Ray wondered as he watched Ben later that evening. Ben, who had embraced Ray’s belief, and was now testing what he speculated might be his more cooperative leg, a hypothesis based purely on the amount of nerve induced zapping and twitching it endured.

That promise of forever was all Ray wanted to hear after his lost years, now back at the Mountie’s side with nothing and no-one to tear them apart. Okay, the inner monologue was overly dramatic but he knew that this was where he needed to be and, even in these appalling circumstances, he was happier than he had been in years. Was that callous? Ben was struggling, but Ray had him back, and Ray was happy. Yes, callous and self-serving. Maybe if he reminded himself that there was a psychopath somewhere out there trying to destroy Ben, he’d stop feeling so smug about his situation.

No, even that knowledge found Ray unshakeable. Once upon a time he’d ran away, unable to cope with his feelings, with the knowledge that this was all there would ever be, even though he didn’t know what he’d do with the offer of anything more.

Older and debatably wiser, there would be no more running. If this was all he would ever have it would be enough. It would be unreasonable to want commitment but perfectly reasonable to offer it, even if Ben never knew the depth of Ray’s feelings. Yes, this would be enough.

“Ray,” Ben’s voice broke him out of his reverie. “Can you help me?”

“Sure.”

Ray crossed to where Ben was sitting in his chair, trying to persuade his right leg to work.

“I think I might have a little controllable strength in this leg. Would you mind pushing back against my foot?”

Ray knelt down and took up Ben’s socked foot, cupping his hands under the sole and pulling up as Ben attempted to push down.

“I think there’s something there,” Ben said with suppressed excitement.

“Try the other leg?”

Ben’s expression turned grim.

“I think it’s just the right.”

“We’d better work on that or you’ll spend the rest of your life going in circles.”

“I’ve done enough of that,” Ben declared. “And now… Can we try again?”

Ray obliged, delighted to be exactly what Ben needed.

The Lesser Distance 12       The Lesser Distance Index       Notes

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