by Lazuli
Part 12 ~ Two Wrongs Make A Right
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By Ray’s reckoning the night’s disturbances were down to single figures. That was a win. Manic reactions to particularly insidious nightmares, down to three. Win win. Ray left Ben catching up on his sleep and pottered about in the kitchen, looking through cupboards and drawers, partly to decide on breakfast, partly to decide what was going with him back to Chicago. There were a lot of random items that came from the bowling alley, and most of them would be going to Goodwill, but… A waffle iron? He hadn’t known they’d ever possessed a waffle iron. Today, he and Benny would be having waffles for breakfast. Oddly cheerful and happily singing to himself, Ray was halfway through making the batter when there was a muffled thud from the bedroom. Ray raced to find out what was happening, finding Ben sprawled on the floor looking a cross between irritated and embarrassed. “What happened? What are you doing?” Ray asked as he knelt down to Ben’s side, hands waving aimlessly as he wasn’t sure how best to help. “Are you hurt? What can I do?” Ben just looked pissed off and grabbed Ray’s hands, waiting for an assist in sitting up. “You can stop fussing,” he told Ray firmly. “I did this to myself.” “What the hell…?” “After my progress yesterday I thought I should attempt to stand.” “Not by yourself, you idiot!” “Yes, by myself, and yes, I clearly am an idiot.” “No, you’re not, you just want this to go faster.” “Make up your mind.” Once Ben was sitting up, Ray hauled him from the ground into his chair. “Can you not do that again? Almost gave me a heart attack.” “Excuse me, I’m going to the bathroom.” Ray stood back to let Ben pass, itching to take control of the chair but forbidding himself that presumptiveness. “I know I said I’d stop asking, but…” “Don’t worry, I won’t lock the door. But I’m also not going to try something as careless for a second time.” “Y’know, it’s just a precaution.” “I’m not Elvis,” Ben muttered as he rolled away, “I’m not about to die on the pan.” Ray failed to smother a laugh. It wasn’t funny at all. But it was funny. “You have to be more careful,” Ray lectured over breakfast. “I wasn’t actively being not careful,” Ben insisted. “I simply underestimated how quickly I could catch myself if things went wrong.” “But still…” “If I’m any more cautious I’ll be the living dead.” “And don’t even joke about that.” “Who’s joking? Look, Ray, I appreciate everything you do for me, I hope you know that, but I need leeway to make my own decisions, even if they lead to my own mistakes.” “You could hurt yourself, make everything worse.” “How much worse can it get?” Ben demanded, his frustration at the fall resurrected and now aimed at Ray rather than himself. “I’m only just past wanting the gun for personal reasons but it wouldn’t take much to get me back there. As far as I’m concerned, every day is a challenge I could do without.” Ray froze for a long moment. Appetite gone, he put his fork down and carefully considered his next words. “So you’re ready to do what he wants. What Ethan wants.” “Ethan wants me back on my feet and fleeing for my life around Chicago for his entertainment.” “I promise you, from past experience of these, more creative scumbags, what Ethan wants at this minute is you dead and unable to testify against him. And you’re just about willing to oblige.” “Ray…” “I don’t want to hear it.” He threw down his napkin and and made for the door. “I have calls to make.” That wasn’t a lie, or an excuse to get away from his potentially self-destructive friend. Ray was finishing up a conversation with Hazel when Ben joined him. Ray turned his back, still upset and deeply worried, even if he was fighting not to show it. “Thanks, boss, I’ll let him know. And tell Max he’s welcome to visit, we’ll use him as a barricade if things get rough.” The humour Ray shared with Hazel dropped away as he hung up and finally turned to face Ben. Before he could speak, Ben held up a hand and silenced him. “Ray, I’m sorry, I don’t know if it was a moment of weakness or a fit of pique, but I won’t be using a gun for that purpose, and I hope you can forgive my preposterous threats. I wouldn’t do that to you.” “How about you wouldn’t do that to you?” “Well, I said…” “Your life has worth, and meaning, and it isn’t over. You have so much to give, Benny. Even if you’re stuck in that chair forever it’s not the end of the world.” Ben had the grace to look thoroughly ashamed. “I know.” “I have so much sympathy for your situation, and I’m not claiming to know what you’re going through, but I do know you’re strong, and resilient, and you’re not going to give that piece of shit what he wants. You want a reason to live? Think of the last time you saw Sara. Think of the last time you saw John. Don’t do this for me, maybe not even for you if you’re feeling hopeless, but do it for them, and all the people that will follow them if you give up now.” “You’re sure he’s a serial killer then?” The change of subject was precisely what they both needed. “From Welsh, via Hazel. Still no sight or sound of Ethan, but someone’s been flagged up on the system that we all think is our guy.” Ray watched for Ben’s reaction; nothing more than a measured nod to continue. “There was a man convicted of second-degree murder in 1989, only served five years, but it was hotly disputed whether he should have been tried for first-degree.” Ray checked his notepad. “Simeon Ethan Trantor, Canadian but living in the US. While he was serving time another guy in the prison was viciously sliced up, and it looked like Trantor was responsible, but this other inmate, Walter Kally, puts his hand up and gets a life sentence for the attack. At the time the defence lawyer for Kally claims that his family on the outside had been threatened, but there was no proof other than the family’s testimony, so Kally went down.” “I imagine Dean would have happily terrorised Kally’s family.” “From what you told me, absolutely. After Trantor was released, despite being on parole he disappears into the wilds of Canada, and no-one’s seen him since.” “That sounds very credible.” “It does. And we’ve finally got a mug shot to help in the search.” “When will I get to see that?” “Max said he’ll come by and say hello, so I expect he’ll bring it.” Ray studied Ben’s face, the outwardly calm mask, frenzied thought behind in the eyes. “How do you feel about that?” “I think it will be good to put a human face to the monster.” “I wish we could take you safely out of equation, but you’re the bait.” “And he’s a very focused individual.” “Okay,” said Ray. “Let’s think about this. As far as anyone knows him, you know him. What’s his next step?” “I can’t say I know him at all but… He’s an accomplished hunter, so perhaps I’m simply regarded as, for want of a better description, a prey animal.” “Fucking disgusting,” Ray muttered under his breath, and Ben almost managed a smile at that. “The majority of prey animals, when injured, run to their lairs or burrows.” “So he’s expecting that. He’s expecting his prey to go home.” “We’ve discussed this before. We didn’t need to analyse anything to come to the same conclusion.” “We have to go home,” Ray was the one to say it, and although they’d had this conversation before, now the prospect of returning to Chicago felt far more intimidating. “It’ll draw him out.” “I agree.” “As he can’t get at you here, do you think he’s already gone?” “It’s pointless to speculate. He could be there, waiting. He could be here, and ready to turn our journey home into a part of his game.” “There is no way we’re giving him anything he wants.” “Except for me,” Ben said grimly. “Prey or bait, what a choice.” “We don’t have to rush into anything. You’re as safe as you can be here, and while he’s focused on you he’s not starting trouble with anyone else.” “We hope.” “We do,” Ray agreed. “Although…” “We have to bear in mind that if we make him wait too long, he may lash out.” “And then it could be completely random so no way to predict who, or where.” “Plus we shouldn’t forget he has form for using civilians as collateral.” “Sorry, Benny, but we need to consider who would flag up if he’d looked into your life for someone to threaten.” “Fortunately, I have no family or connections in Chicago who would be vulnerable.” “No idea whether I figure in his equation, but I’ll ask Welsh to look out for my family.” “And,” Ben started thoughtfully, “as unlikely as it is that Trantor would even be aware of them, I think we should warn Ray and Stella.” Ray already had his phone out, scrolling through his contacts.” “You call Ray, I’ll call Stella. I don’t want her hearing this second hand.” … Later that day, multiple calls made, Max having been and gone, Ray and Ben sat at the dining table staring at a mug shot of Trantor. “Just another thug,” Ray said, only half concentrating on the picture at this point. “You can stop watching for a negative reaction,” Ben told him. “I have this under control.” He tapped the photo. “The beast is merely human, and infinitely mortal.” “Infinitely mortal is quite appealing to what’s left of Armando Langoustini.” “Ray offered to come to Chicago, armed to the teeth.” “So did Stella, and she allegedly has access to an Uzi.” “Allegedly?” “Plausible deniability.” “I’m sorry I didn’t get to know her under better circumstances.” “We’re not dead yet, Benny. We can visit.” Ben’s expression became sombre, and troubled. “What?” Ray asked. It was clearly a hard question to ask, whatever it was. Ben certainly took his time. “If I get better will you leave me?” “What? Where the hell did that come from? No. No, I’m never going to leave you.” “It’s happened before.” That was a conversation Ray did not want to get into. “I am about to do something highly inappropriate, and you’re going to let me, okay?” Ben looked wary but gave a brisk nod. Ray stood and went around the table to Ben’s chair, wheeling it away from the table to give himself room to carefully sit on Ben’s lap, making the move slowly enough that if Ben wanted to push him away he could. No objection, so once settled Ray wrapped his arms around Ben and hugged him hard. “Sorry. This the only way I can think of to do this. You’re very inaccessible but you need this. I know it helps, I’ve seen it help.” After a moment of surprise, Ben enthusiastically reciprocated, so obviously happy to have someone to hold onto for some solid comfort. “Don’t apologise,” Ben replied, the sound muffled as he buried his face in Ray’s chest. “I was an idiot for leaving before, and I’m not an idiot… Not such an idiot anymore.” “I trust you. I shouldn’t have to keep asking.” “Ask a million times and I’ll tell you a million times, I’m not leaving you again. Now… You want me to move before this gets any more embarrassing?” Ben shook his head and clung on, giving Ray the perfect excuse to hold on just as tightly, because it was exactly what he needed too. … “Was that too much?” Ray asked after a dinner that consisted of one of Shirley Hemmell’s luscious casseroles, followed by an equally delicious strawberry shortcake dessert. “No, absolutely not. But I understand why Max is so well rounded.” “I didn’t mean the food, I meant… Y’know, earlier.” “The affection?” Ben clarified, evidently surprised at the question. “No, I appreciated it. I’m rarely reminded of how good a little emotional succour feels.” “That’s…sad, but not surprising. You have this air of needing no-one. People like that get left out out of the huggy kissy rota.” “The huggy kissy rota?” “You’ve clearly never run a bowling alley with a bunch of staff who consider themselves a family.” “Were you on the huggy kissy rota?” “Naturally. After a fairly lacklustre resistance I learnt to embrace my huggy kissy side, only slightly drawing the line with Gino, who had the muscle capacity to break ribs with the hint of a cuddle. He got the one-armed bro-hug.” “That’s definitely a changed you.” “It had to happen, like I said.” “Before the bowling alley, before Langoustini,” Ben said, mind dangerously chasing after a conversation that kept being deferred. Ray could see it, and he knew what came next. “Ray, can I ask you about the time when you went away?” “It’s all in the past,” Ray dismissed him airily. “There’s nothing new to be said.” “There’s nothing new, I agree, but I have old, unanswered questions.” “I don’t want to go there.” “I realise that. It’s clear that you find your decision difficult to talk about, but if I can make myself tell you…” “How much sedation did you need to get through that, remind me again?” “You think there’s any comparison?” Ben asked bluntly. Ray took a moment to feel like an ass. “No. Nothing like it. There’s a good chance that you’re a hell of a lot braver than me.” “But we’re just talking about us, Ray.” “I don’t want to wade into my stupid choices. We have enough going on without that.” “You talked about wanting to go back in time and change things. Of turning down the offer of replacing Armando Langoustini.” “And I’ve also told you how much Armando screwed me up.” “That wasn’t the context. That was nothing to do with running away like a coward.” “My God, do you remember every word I’ve ever said? Including the ones I shouldn’t have said?” “Why were you out of order at that time?” “Give me a break here. It was a weird time, I was leaving…” “And you won’t tell me why you made that choice.” “It doesn’t matter now,” Ray spelt out. “It does,” Ben contradicted, so quietly and sincerely that Ray groaned and slumped into an armchair, head in hands. “It looks like it matters,” Ben observed. “Ray?” “Don’t we have enough to think about that isn’t this?” “You needed answers, I supplied them. Today, I need answers.” Ray slowly looked up, hands dragging over his face until his chin was perched on his fingers. “I respect that,” Ray conceded. “I just don’t like it.” “Why?” “I think it will ruin everything.” “I’m likely to be butchered by a maniac any time soon, I don’t think we need to worry about ruining things.” “That’s not going to happen.” “You told me…” Ben continued; Ray groaned. “You told me that I knew what you meant when you said you screwed up the best thing in your life by leaving.” “I said that, yes.” “Were we the best thing in your life?” “Yes,” Ray answered after a brief pause. “And there was a reason you stressed we were friends when you said you wouldn’t be at the station to pick me up.” “Only after you said it.” “And you thought…?” “You were putting me in my place.” “Which made you…right to leave?” Ben slowly suggested, furiously thinking this out as he went along. “I was right to leave. Until I came to my senses and realised I was wrong to leave, by which time it was too late.” “And you were wrong to leave…” “We’re going in circles.” “…because you were screwing up the best thing in your life.” Ben’s thoughts turned inward and Ray breathed a sigh of relief. Now, if they’d only stay inward. “When I temporarily lost my memory and you were telling me things to help me get it back, there were certain statements that I felt you regretted once I was back to myself.” “Things that you said you didn’t remember,” Ray said accusingly. “I didn’t remember them until later,” Ben assured him, as if that made any difference. “I was saying whatever I could think of to get you back. You had information I needed, do you remember that aspect?” “You said we bonded.” “Well…we did,” Ray said awkwardly. “And that we were better together than separately. Alone we’re incomplete.” Ray gave up and looked away, cringing at his past honesty and wishing the conversation was over and done, whatever the end damage. “You told me,” Ben reiterated, “that we were better together. And yet you left. That makes so little sense to me.” “Now that I agree with. Stupid actions,
no sense at all, which is why I don’t want to get into it.” “Then, when you came back after your undercover operation went bad…” “Thanks to you.” “…thanks to me, we didn’t have the chance to talk, did we? If you’d explained more at the time…” “I was too busy trying to clean up the mess we’d been left with and, what was that other thing? Oh, yeah, getting shot on my way to help you out. Sound familiar?” Ben was ignoring the tone, refusing to be put off this time. He stared squarely at Ray. A challenge. “What would you have told me then, if you’d had the chance?” “I don’t want…” “Be honest.” “Honesty is overrated.” “Ray…?” Ray drew a deep breath, releasing it slowly as he accepted he was trapped, or caught, or whatever the right term was for finding himself with nowhere to go but a past he hated thinking about, let alone putting into words. “Please, Ray. I think I need to hear it.” The sentiment was softly spoken, and Ray looked into Ben’s eyes, seeing his Benny, who he’d lost and found and, if he was honest, could very well lose again. This moment was about to break his heart. He shifted his focus, unable to meet Ben’s eyes as he told him the truth. Or at least some of the truth. “I thought… It was always us against the world, and then you weren’t there. I thought I was coming back to us. I’d taken the undercover job because I was a coward and couldn’t face up to what I’d been feeling, but you’re the reason I was coming home. I was so lonely it was killing me, and all I wanted was to be back here with you, doing all the stupid stuff we used to do. I turned up and you walked away. No, you rode away. With Kowalski.” “If we’d had the chance to talk…” “What would we have talked about? How I was surplus to requirements?” Ben frowned. “I’d been replaced so completely. My job, my family, the guy even had my name. He had…you. I thought I’d walk back in and things would go back to how they were, but I didn’t stand a chance. I was shot, and dumped, and so I grabbed at whatever was left when you and Kowalski had everything else carved up between you.” “Ray…” “You don’t have to tell me to grow up and pull myself together, I’ve done that enough.” “I wasn’t going to say that.” “Then…?” “I was dumped too, remember. It hurt more than being shot.” Ray dropped his head back into his hands. “I know, I know, I’m sorry.” “I need the truth, Ray.” “Whatever the cost?” Ben didn’t answer. Excellent interrogation technique, Ray knew. Humans feel awkward with silences so they fill them, usually with information that they didn’t mean to share. And Ray was just another schmuck who fell for it. “I meant all that stuff I said when you lost your memory. And even as I was saying it I knew I was going too far. Like I said, honesty is overrated.” “I didn’t object to hearing it.” “But it made something…come loose,” Ray tried to explain. “In me. Something that I could cope with as long as I didn’t acknowledge it, or say it out loud. We were… I was…” Ray gave up and shook his head, smarting inside like he’d been burnt. “What came loose?” Ray shook his head again. “What were you feeling?” “Don’t, Benny. I say this and I ruin us forever. You’ll want me to walk away and it’ll kill me.” “Say it.” Ben was leaning forward in his chair now, intently waiting. Honesty was overrated but also inevitable. Ray gave up, and gave it up. “I was feeling…the wrong kind of love for you. You were my best friend, but you’d become too much more. I was out of order, and I was wrong, but I couldn’t help it. I still can’t. It hurts so much, I feel like I’m tearing that confession out of my soul.” “You know…” “There’s nothing you can say. I’m so sorry, Benny, I’ve let you down and…” “Ray!” Ben successfully interrupted. “You want me to leave for a while? Or… I don’t know what to do.” “Listen. I want you to listen.” Ray swallowed hard and braced himself. Nodded for Ben to continue. “Ray… I came to terms with feeling the wrong kind of love for you years ago.” Every relevant word and surging emotion Ray had in him stuck in his throat. He stared at Ben in disbelief, seeing kindness in his eyes and a depth of affection he’d never imagined. “You…?” Ray managed to croak. “I believe that this is one of the rare occasions where two wrongs actually do make a right.” In that moment, Ray’s world shrank to the size of Ben’s words. The pain inside him doubled and redoubled, knowing that he’d wasted so many years when they could have been together, just by being too much of a coward to speak. Even if Ben hadn’t felt the same way he wouldn’t have punished him, or rejected his friendship. He knew that. He knew that. But here and now… He forced himself to the here and now, and Ben looking at him with sweet concern, and… The pain was over. Gone. What remained was relief, and hope, and so much love. Tears came now and Ray couldn’t stop them. No sobbing, no histrionics, just tears tracking down his face as he tried to keep up with swiping them away. Without another word Ben wheeled himself over, leaning across to grab Ray’s wrist, pulling him out of the armchair, and onto his lap. Holding him close, and tight, just the way Ray had held him earlier in the day. “Ray?” Ben whispered after a while, when everything felt calm. Ray nodded against him, refusing to move and disinclined to speak. “This doesn’t have to change anything. We can be perfectly happy as we are.” Ben reconsidered. “Once there isn’t somebody trying to murder me we’ll be perfectly happy. Ray finally lifted his head. “And when you’re out of this chair.” “If that happens. Like you said, it’s not the end of the world. It wouldn’t change us.” Ray leant his head against Ben’s, enjoying an intimacy that was no longer forbidden. “If we don’t get slaughtered before midnight, this might be the best day of my life,” he admitted, and Ben laughed. Ray sat up and studied Ben’s face, tearing up again with sheer happiness, and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I hate to do this to you, Ray…” “I’m too heavy?” “No.” “Am I hurting you?” “No.” “Should I…” Ben didn’t let Ray go anywhere, despite his attempts. “No.” “You need to pee?” “No?” “You’ve come to your senses?” “Technically, I was at one with my senses all along, but in the context of your question…no, I haven’t come to my senses.” “That’s like pedantry porn.” “I’m genuinely sorry to break this up, but in light of our earlier conversation, we need to start packing, and you need to make arrangements with Lieutenant Frank for a police escort out of Florida. It appears that we have more of a future to look forward to than we thought, so let’s get this done and over with.” Seeing the sense of that suggestion, Ray slid off Ben’s lap and tried to find where he’d left Detective Vecchio. “I’m not in a fit state for anything.” Ben was already wheeling toward the kitchen. “Did you want to pack the waffle iron?” “You decide,” Ray called after him, finding his cell and hesitating before hitting call on Hazel’s number. “Pull yourself together,” he ordered himself, but that wasn’t happening either. He followed Ben into the kitchen, walking in front of the chair and coming to a determined halt, only now realising that he’d been so busy being overwrought that he’d failed to notice how calm and contented Ben was. “Waffle iron?” Ben enquired. “I love you,” Ray said, voice husky with pent up emotion. “There. I said it. Way too late, but I said it.” “I love you too, Ray. Very much,” Ben responded, with none of Ray’s angst, but with a smile that said, after all the anguish, he was momentarily at peace. |
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