The next day.

Xander was still living with the result of Spike’s surprise eye test and subsequent prescription for reading glasses.

The fact that Spike had been charming with the young woman who had called to conduct the test told Xander that William was close to the surface and quite determined to get his way.  When she’d gone however, Spike had exploded into a verbal fireball.  Xander had quickly learnt that you do not ambush a vampire, even if it is for his own good.

The night had been long and lonely, and the day had evolved from ferocious snarkiness to a long stretch of icy silence.

Eventually Xander tired of waiting for Spike to calm down and went to try throwing himself on his mercy, following the sound of pool balls cracking around the table.  He leant in the doorway, watching the vampire clear the table and rack up for another game.

“Can we talk?”

“Fuck off.”

“Will you just listen then?”

“Will you?  I told you to fuck off.”  Xander nodded and started to go, but turned back, carried on watching.  “What?”

“Just tell me why you’re so mad.  I thought I was doing it for you, so you can read without getting sore eyes and headaches.”

“You did it for him!” Spike roared, effortlessly snapping the cue in two.  “For him!”

The cue halves flew in Xander’s direction and he barely managed to avoid them.

“William told me about the problem, but I did it for you.”

“Don’t you fucking lie to me.”

“Spike.  You’re the one who’s here.  I did it for you.”

Xander swallowed hard as Spike fell silent and turned to him, glowering.  Noisy Big Bad could be fairly scary, but he was nothing compared to the intense and intimidating Big Bad that Xander tried to avoid at all costs.  But that particular vampire was stalking over to him at this minute.

“Still want him?” Spike asked quietly, edge to his voice that could freeze fire.  “Wish it was him here?”

“No.”

Xander’s resolve crumbled and he had to back away, hating to show his fear to Spike but badly losing his nerve.  Spike kept coming and soon had him backed against the wall in the corridor outside the games room.

“That why you’re always begging me to fuck you?  Because the intensity will tip the balance and he’ll be back?”

“No.”

“Is it him you want in you?”

“No.”

Spike’s hands came up and lay flat on the wall either side of Xander’s head.  A low feral growl emerged from the vampire, almost sub-sonic; Xander didn’t know if he was actually hearing it or feeling it, but either was enough to make him tremble.  Spike’s eyes flashed yellow as he stared hard at the human, trying to see into his soul.  What have I been thinking?  He’s a vampire, he’s a fucking demon, and I’ve been playing around with him like he’s a pussy cat.

“Scared, Xander.”

“Yes.”

“It wasn’t a question.”

“No.”

“Try again, shall we?  Is it him you want?”

“No, I don’t…”  Another growl and Xander caught his breath as Spike’s handsome features morphed into game face.  “Spike…”  He didn’t know what he’d been going to say because his mind went blank.  Blank except for one overriding thought.  “I’ve missed you.”  He brought up a shaking hand to touch the vampiric ridges over Spike’s gleaming gold eyes.  “You’re so beautiful.  I’ve missed you.”

Ignoring the surprise that had filled Spike’s eyes Xander leant forward, gently covering his mouth, pressing his tongue between the cool lips to explore and learn the shape of the fangs.  He felt Spike jerk at the touch, understood immediately how sensitive the incisors were, needed to feel how sharp.  He ran the tip of his tongue over the left fang, cautiously pressing onto it until he felt it slice into the surface of his tongue.  Spike snarled and sucked the bleeding organ deeper into his mouth, body pressing Xander hard against the wall, grinding his jean-clad erection into the human’s groin.  Although Xander had always been aware of the vampire’s strength he hadn’t really thought about it being used against him, and as he found himself categorically and unnervingly trapped against the wall with a rampant demon plundering his mouth he came to his senses, growing ever more fearful.  Out of my depth here.  Drowning not waving.  Spike, baby, don’t.  Love you, but don’t…

“Shall we see what that mouth can do when it’s not spouting lies?”

The sudden vice-like grip on his shoulders startled Xander into facing another truth: if Spike pushed him down now, kept him pinned against the wall and fucked his mouth, he’d probably choke to death unless the chip kicked in.  Up until now the chip had been amazingly tolerant of Spike’s treatment of Xander, every accidental hurt caused had been let by, assumedly because Spike never intentionally tried to cause him pain.  If the demon took his version of what Xander gave Spike freely there would be no hostile thought for the chip to react to.  The aggression of the act couldn’t be underestimated: there was a good chance that Xander could…  Fuck, no, this is not the way I want to go.

Physically, Xander was a strong man, but he immediately buckled under the pressure from Spike’s hands.

“Don’t do this,” he implored, grasping at the vampire’s upper arms.

“But you love me.”

“I do.  And I’m asking you not to do this.”

“You want me.”

“Not…not here.  Let’s go to bed and…”

“You’ll give me anything I want?”

Oh, fuck, not like this.

“Anything.”

“Funny.  I seem to be getting anything anyway.”

“Please, Spike.  Not like this.”  The slightest effort on Spike’s part was enough to wrench Xander’s hands away and drive the human to his knees.  One shoulder was released; Spike flicked open his own belt, began to unbutton his jeans.  “No, Spike, please, not like this.”

“You want me…”

“Spike…”

“…and you’re going to have me.”

Xander fought back, head-butting Spike in the stomach as he grasped and swept the vampire’s feet out from under him.  Spike fell to the side with a hearty grunt, out of action for the few seconds it took Xander to scramble to his feet and start running for the front door.  A roar behind him and Spike was on his back, toppling him to the floor, turning him roughly and pinning him down with a forearm across the chest.  Xander took deep breaths, or as deep as he could with the constriction on his lungs, gazing imploringly into the cold yellow eyes.

“Spike…please…”

“You’ve convinced me, Xander,” Spike hissed.  “I’m going to give you just what you want.  Because.  I.  Love.  You.”

Xander felt and heard the side seam of his pants rip, and a new blast of fear battled and conquered the disbelief that Spike would assault him in such a way.  He renewed his struggles, back of his head banging hard against the floor as he was pushed flat with brute force.  Spike changed arms so he could rip the opposite seam of Xander’s pants, then grasped the waistband and tore away the tattered remains, tossing them aside.  Claws scraped over Xander’s thigh, knees forced his legs further apart.

“You’re going to rape me?”

“Claim you,” the demon corrected in a satisfied growl.

“You’re going to rape me.  That’s what it’ll be, because I don’t want this.  I don’t want you this way.”  Gasping, crying, Xander tried to escape once again.  More force, a frighteningly dangerous snarl.  “I’m saying no, Spike.  No.  Like you tried to when they did it to you.  That what you want for me?  What they did to you?  What next?  You gonna cut holes in me to fuck?  You’re supposed to love me.  You’re supposed to love me,” Xander sobbed.

He saw a brief moment of understanding in the vampire’s eyes before he flew off of Xander with a scream of agony, clasping his head as the chip finally did its job.  Xander was up and heading for escape in less than a second, glancing back to see Spike curled in a ball on the floor, still clutching his skull.  His feelings for his partner made him hesitate momentarily, but the adrenalin pumping through him kept him moving and he grabbed his keys from the hall table and left the house.  Straight to the Merc and locking himself in.  A moment’s stillness until he realised that Spike could come through the house’s garage access, then he started the car and drove out into the fading daylight, staring back over his shoulder as he waited for the gates to open, driving away with screeching tyres as he escaped the person he loved most in the world.

A mile was the best he could manage before he slewed the Merc into the road’s grass shoulder, hurling open the door just in time to throw up outside the car.  Minutes later he was done with the nausea, and all he had to contend with were the shudders and intermittent tears and the aches that were emerging all over his body from the heart out.  The back of his head was throbbing with pain from the crack it had received when he was…  Xander forced the memory from his mind, reaching into the glove compartment for the painkillers and bottled water he kept there.

“Okay,” he said huskily to himself.  “Remember the Scooby days.  What did a concussion feel like?”  Actually he was fairly confident it hadn’t been that bad, it wasn’t like he’d passed out or been stunned even.  What would have happened if I’d passed out?  Xander thumped the steering wheel with his fists.  “You said you’d never hurt me!  Fucking liar!  You said.  You said.”  The flash of anger dissolved into another flurry of tears, with Xander making up his mind that these would be the last.  The last for now.

There were spare clothes in the trunk for when Xander got soaked or filthy on site and he retrieved a pair of pants, dressing by the side of the deserted road, stumbling as he did so because he was still shaking ferociously hard.  Back in the car he sat pondering his situation and wondering what to do next, coming to no satisfactory conclusion but irritably fighting back more tears, cursing himself for being so out of control.  As if to prove the point his cell phone rang, making him jump violently and clench the steering wheel.  He looked at the phone’s panel.  Home.  Spike.  Oh, God, Spike.  He didn’t want to be scared of Spike.  Picking up the phone, his first reaction was to switch it off, but he knew he couldn’t turn his back on Spike, whatever the circumstances.  He pressed the answer button.

“Hello?”  His voice sounded terrible, barely audible from upset and tears.

There was a pause, a breath from the caller.

“Come home.  Come home, Alexander.”

Xander gasped as relief swept through him in a cleansing rush.

“William.  Yes.”

Xander started the car, paused, turned the engine off and picked up his phone again.

“Hey, Pat, it’s Alex.”

“You sound awful, are you okay?”  Patrick’s voice was heavy with concern.

“Yeah.  Just tired, and…and…”

“Alex?”

“I need another week.”

“Whatever you want.  Can you tell me what’s happened?”

“No.  Well…  I said to you before, didn’t I, that he wasn’t right yet?  We’ve just had a few…setbacks.  Stress of the move and…umm…me being a fucking idiot, I guess.”

Xander fought to stop his voice cracking but it did anyway.

“Come here.  Get in the car and drive round here right now.”

“I can’t.  I can’t leave him.”

“Bring him, let us help.  Alex…”

“I’m fine.  I’ll be okay.  And I’ll speak to you tomorrow, I promise.”

“You want me to call round?”

“No.”

“Okay.”  One of those painful pauses.  “Okay.  Just…remember where I am if you need me.”

“Thanks.  Bye.”

Ten minutes later and Xander was back at the house; twilight allowed William to come out to meet him, and Xander threw himself into the man’s arms, clinging to him and giving up the fight against yet more tears.  William held and comforted as the light faded, only guiding Xander inside when the house’s spotlights flickered on.

William sat Xander at the kitchen table and made the requisite hot chocolate for them both.

“Did he go by choice?” Xander asked when William finally sat opposite him.

“He successfully managed to traumatise himself into retreat.  I leave it to you to decide if that can be regarded as a choice.”

“You mad at him?”

“Yes.”

“For bringing you back?”

“That is immaterial when measured against his treatment of you.  I am shocked and saddened and very angry indeed.”

“Does he know?”

“He certainly does.”

There was a long pause as William waited for what was transparently on Xander’s mind to emerge.

“The thing is…  I think this was my fault.”

“You will not blame yourself, Xander.”

“But he was furious and I had to keep at him, and it was like…like I needed to bring the demon out.  And when I saw the demon I…  I wanted him.  For an instant I wanted him.”  Xander sipped at his drink.  “I’ve felt something was missing from Spike all this time.  When I saw that face I thought maybe the demon was a part of it, and it made me realise how much I’d wanted to see Spike like that.  I’m not explaining this very well.”

“Well enough.”

“A lot of his fight is gone and he needs to feel strong.  The demon makes him strong.”

“A misconception that must not be encouraged.  The demon makes Spike brutal not strong.  At least not in the manner you refer to.”

“But then…then he turned on me.  How could he turn on me?” Xander asked weakly.

“Any explanation I furnish will offer an unintentional defence of his actions.  I will not speak of it.”

Yes, Xander understood that, but he still frowned.

“You told me you love him.”

“I do.  Acceptance of his nature allows that, and I do accept.  This circumstance is exceptional.  I have never…grown attached to the subject of his attentions before.”

“What a mess.  This whole thing is such a mess.”

“I fear this is in part my responsibility.  In deference to his negative feelings toward me I withdrew too far, allowed the demon absolute precedence.  It proved to be a foolish decision which exposed you to great danger, and I beg your forgiveness for it.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Until he is fully recovered from his ordeal, and is perfectly rational, I must share accountability.”

“What if…what if he hadn’t had the chip?  I think I’d be dead.  And we’re trying to get it taken out.”

“Without that most wretched device this situation would not have occurred.  He would have already claimed you as his own and afforded you the consideration his Consort would be due.”

“So this might happen again?  While the chip’s in?”

William gave the suggestion several minutes thought.

“I do not believe there will be a reoccurrence.  Spike is horrified by his behaviour and will be wary of any further interaction the demon has with you.  I certainly will not allow it such free reign again.”

“I’m still confused about this.  There’s three of you in there?”

William smiled.

“When you look at me, what you actually see is an empty vessel.”

“I don’t like that, don’t say that.”

“This body is animated by a demon.  The Spike you know is primarily the demon but with my influence.  When he is at his wildest and most evil it is purely the demon you witness.  When he is most tender and thoughtful…”

“It’s you.”

“My influence.  My humanity.  Before Spike was damaged we existed harmoniously, and it was this balance of personalities – this merging, for we did merge, we were whole – that you came to know as Spike.  After my turning the demon and I struggled for the longest time to accept our situation and exploit it most positively.”

“So Spike is the demon but with you holding the leash?”

“That is far too simple an analogy for so complex a situation.”

“And today you let the leash go.”

The distress showed immediately on William’s face.

“I am deeply ashamed of what…”

“Don’t be.  I’m not trying to blame anyone, I want to understand.  Unless I understand what happened I can’t get back to where we were.  I have to know I can trust him.”

“If you did before this incident, then you shall again.”

Xander leant his elbows on the table and dropped his face into his hands, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“I want to believe that.  Love’s nothing without trust, is it?”

“Spike will now have the greatest difficulty in trusting himself.  Perhaps you will relearn the art together.”  Xander listened as William rose and came round the table to him, more than willing to lean into the gentle hug that was offered to him, sliding his arms around the narrow waist and laying his cheek against the firm body. “You are weary, Xander.  Shall I feed you and put you to bed?”

“You’ll be with me?”

“Yes, I will.”

William allowed Xander to ease him down into his lap, meeting his eyes and offering love and support with the familiar adoring look.  Xander stroked his hair, eventually adding gentle pressure to bring him close enough to kiss, and William responded with well-remembered delicacy.

“Still want you,” Xander murmured, revelling in this aspect of Spike that he felt totally secure with.

“Please, do not use me to punish him.”

“I won’t.  I wouldn’t.  I care about you too much.”

“And him?”

“I love him.  Nothing will change that.  However mad he gets, whatever he does, I won’t stop loving him or needing him.  It just feels good to be with you.  To feel safe.”

“My dear, sweet Alexander.”

William gave Xander another gentle kiss before extricating himself from the human’s somewhat desperate grasp and going to the refrigerator, opening it and screwing his nose up at the sight of the blood bags before choosing what to cook.

“Had enough blood to last you a lifetime?”

“Quite.”

“You went through enough of it at the apartment.  How did you keep it down?”

“The inadequate creature you were living with managed well enough, did he not?”

“Suppose you weren’t well enough to question it.”  William shuddered at the thought.  “Sorry.”

“No.  The memory serves me well.  I shall cook you a particular delicacy.”

“Do I want to hear this?” Xander asked warily.

“I believe you described it as, ‘A greasy heap of eggs, bacon, sausage, the works’.  Does that appeal to you?  Master?” William added cheekily as he glanced back at Xander.

“Want to fuck you and hear you call me that,” Xander admitted before looking quite appalled at what he’d heard himself say.  “And I can’t believe that just came out of my mouth.”

“May we concentrate on what is going into your mouth?”  Xander gave him an amused look.  “That phraseology would not have helped,” William conceded.  “Food, Alexander.”

“The works.”

“Very well.”  William began pulling ingredients from the refrigerator.  “Later we will concern ourselves with precisely what I call you when you fuck me.”

Xander ignored the considerable twinge and tried redirecting the blood to his brain.

“Calling my bluff?”

“Indubitably.”

Xander gave a short laugh.

“Just once.  Answer me with…’Sure, baby’.”  William sighed and gestured for the question again.  “Calling my bluff?”

“Sure, baby,” William replied easily.

“Fucking hell, you’re so hot,” Xander laughed again, and William just smiled contentedly as he set about his preparations.  “You know it.  You’re so fucking hot and you know it.”  With a chuckle, William threw Xander a knowing look.  The look was so much Spike that Xander froze, smile dying on his lips.

“It is William, Xander.  You have nothing to fear.”

All of Xander’s good humour had evaporated in a heartbeat.

“What am I going to do?”

“Mourn what you have lost, repossess what you have not, and face him.”  Xander turned frightened eyes on William.  “When you are ready.  Only then.  I will stay until you have found the strength.  But the longer your prevarication…”

“Harder it’ll be,” Xander finished for him, acknowledging the truth with a slow nod.

Xander stood and wandered off into the hallway, deep in troubled thought.  Then he was standing on the exact spot where he’d been thrown by Spike earlier.  He could see threads from his ruined pants on the floor even though William had thoughtfully disposed of the damaged clothing.  The memories flooded back, bringing with them the most horrible sensation of being a victim.  Helpless.  Xander’s mind flew back in time, and he was under pouring water, letting the noise cover his sobs, the warmth ease bruises the shape of his father’s fists.  Washing away the shame.

“Having a shower,” he called to William.

“I thought you may,” came the reply he never heard.

Halfway up the stairs Xander stopped, turned, came down again and headed for the conservatory.  He stripped off beside the pool, diving smoothly into the crystal clear water and swimming half its length beneath the surface before rising and effortlessly striking out in an graceful freestyle stroke that owed more to muscle memory than practise over the years.  Ten mindless lengths before the thoughts kicked in.  Who’d have believed this?  I have a home worth half-a-million, I have my own pool, I have a boyfriend who attacked me and I’m now fucking terrified of…  Roll into the turn and kick off.  I’m one of the luckiest guys I know, I’m a self-made man, so much to be proud of, I have someone I love more than life itself and I almost got to prove that today…  Roll into the turn and kick off.  I cried for a year, switched off for the next four, now I seem to be crying all the time because I have Spike and I’m happy which is why I cry and run and hide in my car…  Roll into the turn and kick off.  Great car, my bolt hole, my self-image, my choice of colour which I picked because the dark red reminded me of Spike.  Spike.  Oh, God, Spike…  William?  Xander stopped his rapid progress up the pool, treading water as he looked to the man standing watching him with unconcealed admiration.

“William?” he asked guardedly.

“The works are ready to be served.”

William, Xander mentally sighed with relief, slowly swimming to the side of the pool.

“Couple of minutes?  I’ll take that shower now.”

“Has Spike ever seen you swim?”

“No.”

“I believe he will appreciate it when the opportunity arises.”

Oh, God, Spike…

…

Xander fell into contemplative silence and William left him there for the evening, speaking only once to ask about the reading glasses, which Xander said they’d have made up the next day.

In bed, between clean sheets that William had managed to put on the bed Xander knew not when, and laying with the cool form he loved so well spooned behind him Xander felt as safe as he was ever going to feel under the circumstances.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“Go to sleep, Xander.”

“I missed you.  Probably shouldn’t say that, Spike’ll know now and get mad again.  But I have missed you.  Your calm.  Your peace.  That wonderful voice.”

“Can you hear my wonderful voice instructing you to sleep?”

“William…  Do you prefer William?  Or Will?”

“Your choice.”

“You must have a preference.”

“It has been over a century since I was addressed by any name at all.”  He paused for thought.  “I have never been called Will.”

“D’you like it?”

More thought.

“I think I do.  I also appreciate your consideration.”

“Will…  Do you have any control over whether you stay or go?  I mean, can you influence when Spike gets thrown out of the revolving door?”

“I have not attempted to exert any influence to this point.  But if it is what you desire I will endeavour to become immovable.”

“You can do that?  Without him hurting you?”

William smiled at his concern.

“Sure, baby.”  Xander chuckled, the warmest sound William had heard for hours, and he tightened his hold on the human.  “Sleep, Xander?”

“Can’t.”

“You must be quite exhausted.”

“Keep thinking…sleep, nightmares, waking up and finding the demon here instead of you.”

“Even if that occurred he would not harm you.  Spike loves you dearly.”

“I want to feel safe.  I’m not ready for him yet.”

“Poor Xander.”

“Screwed-up Xander.  Cowardly Xander.”

“Please do not disparage yourself.  I find it hurtful.”

Xander turned himself within the circle of William’s embrace, throwing an arm around the vampire’s shoulders and bringing him close, hugging him hard.  William happily settled onto Xander’s chest and the first low rumble started.

“Why doesn’t he purr?”

“He considers it an oddity, and an unattractive one at that.”

“I love it.”

“As do I.  It is perfectly restful.”

“Never knew it was so good for you.”

“Mmm.”

Xander realised that William was sending himself to sleep and shut up, pressing his face into the soft, wavy hair and kissing him until the purr worked its soporific magic on them both.

Repossession 28       Repossession Index       Repossession Notes

Site Updates     Update List     Home     Fiction     Gallery     Links     Feedback