Part 1 ~ Ray is irresponsible enough to share a confidence...
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Part 1 ~ Ray is irresponsible enough to share a confidence... |
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It
was just a regular bust, but Ben was pleased that Ray had allowed him to come
along, in all honesty just so he could have a good look within the walls of
this statuesque building – one of the oldest in Once
satisfied that he hadn’t missed an inch he strolled back to where he had last
seen Ray, coming to a halt when he saw the cop deep in conversation with one of
the Foundation’s directors. They were away from the main group of cops and
employees, and Ben instantly noticed their body language: Ray seemed uncommonly
relaxed, allowing the man too far into his personal space for this to be a part
of his official interview. The man – Carl Willoughby, if Ben remembered correctly
– smiled too much, seemed too…interested. Not questioning his own irrational
uneasiness at the sight, Ben made a beeline for them, aware that they increased
the distance between them as he approached. “Hey,
Benny, you finished your survey?” “Yes,
thank you, Ray. Absolutely fascinating.” Willoughby
threw a beaming smile in Ben’s direction. “Well,
Constable…” “Fraser.” “Constable
Fraser, if you’d like to return at any point, just let me know and I’ll make
the arrangements.” Willoughby’s attentions turned back to Ray, and his attitude
turned too, his voice softening. “You’d be equally as welcome, Detective. Let
me give you my card…” Willoughby tweaked an expensive-looking card from his
breast pocket and wrote on the back. “That’s my personal number.” His eyes met
Ray’s with a definite invitation. “In case you need to contact me for…anything.” “Thanks,”
Ray smiled back, pocketing the card without a second glance. “We’re
done here, Vecchio,” came a voice from behind them, and Ray bid the director goodbye,
shaking his hand before making a graceful turn and sweeping from the building
with trench coat flowing behind him and Mountie bringing up the rear. “What
do you think of Mr Willoughby?” Ben asked casually when they were in the Riv. “He’s
okay,” Ray answered distractedly, edging the car into the traffic. “Do
you think he’s genuine?” “You
think he’s something to do with the fraud?” “No,
I didn’t mean that.” “What
then?” Ben
couldn’t really answer because he didn’t know what he was referring to. In
fact, Carl Willoughby had been extremely charming and helpful throughout the
investigation, even putting himself in danger toward the end when the
fraudsters were starting to get antsy and suspicious just before the police
moved in. No, Ben’s unsettlement was nothing to do with the case at all. It was
more…personal. “Will
you take him up on his offer?” “Offer?” Ben
glanced sideways at his sometimes partner; Ray was suspiciously monosyllabic. “He
gave you his card and an open invitation to contact him.” “Business
is all.” Business
was not all and they both knew it. Ben stared out of the window, wondering why
he was feeling so uneasy about this man’s interest in Ray. It couldn’t be… What
an appalling thought: there was every chance that he was jealous. Despite firmly reprimanding himself for being so silly, he
knew that, silly or not, it was most definitely the problem. Ray
dropped Ben off at his apartment later that evening, making the usual offer to
pick him up in the morning. This time Ben made excuses and declined the lift,
much to Ray’s consternation, but he eventually convinced the cop that he
wouldn’t be kidnapped, mugged or murdered during the short walk to the
Consulate and they left it with Ben on foot the following day. For
the next hour Ben spent most of his time – well, all of his time, actually –
examining his earlier feelings. He came to the conclusion that he was fearful
of losing Ray’s friendship. More than that, losing the exclusivity of Ray’s
friendship. He understood how other people often saw them – two misfits that
somehow…misfitted together – because he could see the illogical nature of the
pairing himself, but it was often all he had to cling to in a city that,
although more familiar now, was often still a big, scary jungle. But
he had to pull himself together. He couldn’t be clingy, couldn’t let himself
get fraught over the possibility of Ray extending his circle of friends. A
circle that, until now, had included a few work colleagues and old
acquaintances. Ben stopped short. That was it: Ray had colleagues and
acquaintances, not friends. He was the only one. Apart from the odd poker or
pool game, he was the only person Ray spent time with. And now Carl Willoughby
was practically trying to make a date… Ben swallowed hard, felt the need to get
up and put some space between himself and that idea. He couldn’t get away from
it: Well,
he could try all he wanted but Ben knew Ray well enough… Or did he? Willoughby
was trying to make a date after he and Ray had been standing too close,
conversing too privately, smiling too warmly. Oh
dear. Oh
dear, oh dear, oh dear. He
looked at his watch: a little before eight. Just for once he wished he had a phone.
Oh, right, and he’d phone Ray and say? Just checking up to make sure you’re not
out on the town with someone suave and sophisticated, golden-blond, excellent
teeth and too damned handsome for his own good. My God, he really was jealous! Ben
recognised the need to take Dief for a long walk, coincidentally past the
Vecchio residence where he might happen to notice the Riv safely in its
accustomed spot, or inadvertently hear a voice he wasn’t listening for
exchanging high-volume banter with family members, and he was going to have to
succumb to that need before he could settle down for the night. He felt a fool,
an absolute, twenty-four carat fool, but he had to go. As
he slowed to a stroll along There
were a couple of lights on in the house’s upper storey and Ben wondered if Ray
was lit by one of them, or was already tucked up in bed, having a frankly
unbelievably early night. Alone. In bed alone. By himself. Without Carl
Willoughby and his two-hundred dollar haircut and his manicured nails. ‘Why
does it matter?’ Ben berated himself. ‘Ray has had women friends and it hasn’t
come between us, why should this cause such incredible panic?’ It
was then that Ray’s head emerged from the window of the Riv. “Hey,
Benny.” Ben
joyfully picked up speed. “Ray!” Ray
popped the passenger door and Dief and Ben automatically climbed in. Ray was
going through a stack of police files. “So,
you’re dragging the wolf around a better class of neighbourhood tonight?” “I
was hoping to see you,” Ben responded automatically before wishing he’d thought
before he spoke. “Change
your mind about the morning?” “Well,
no. Yes. No.” “If
you can let me know before the sun comes up I’m there for you.” “What
are you looking for?” Ray dumped half the files onto Ben’s lap. “And should you
even have these here?” “You
got me thinking. About “I
didn’t mean…” “I
started thinking about his nose, you know?” Ben
perked up immediately. “You
think you’ve seen his nose before? On a felon?” “I d’know,
Benny. He’s just a bit…too good to be true?” “I
shouldn’t have put doubts in your mind, Ray,” Ben apologised, ignoring the
chorus of voices cheering in his head even as he succumbed to good old Canadian
guilt. “In fact, my apprehension about him was more of a personal problem.” “You
have personal problems?” Ray stopped and looked at him. “Not
problems per se. Just with him. His…interest in you.” Ray simply smiled and
went back to the files. “You noticed?” “Sure
I noticed, Benny. He was broadcasting so loud I’m surprised the foundations of
that old heap stood the vibrations.” “And
you didn’t mind?” “That
he was looking for… Wait. What does that new technician call it? The Scotch girl?” “Scottish.” “That’s
what I said.” “Actually…” “The
scarily smart redhead helping computerize the fingerprint system?” “Are
the fingerprints relevant?” Ben asked, completely bemused at this point. “A bit
of rough!” Ray exclaimed triumphantly. “Willoughby was looking for a bit of
rough.” “In
what respect, rough?” “Y’know.
He thinks he’s smooth, plays at being sophisticated and refined, and he’s
looking for…” “An
unsophisticated, unrefined…” “Roll
in the hay. Now you’ve got it.” “It’s
quite derogatory, and in no way describes you.” “It’s
funny. A bit of rough,” Ray repeated in an appalling Scottish accent. “Could be
me.” “You
never fail to surprise me, Ray,” Ben said when he finally got over the shock. Then
he thought. “I wouldn’t call you rough. Salt of the Earth, yes, but not…” “A bit
of rough. Just a saying.” “Were
you…” Ben cleared his throat, couldn’t believe he was asking this,
“…interested? In being…well…” Ray
stopped what he was doing and looked at Ben again. Ben returned the look, saw
the indecision on his friend’s face. “There’s
stuff you don’t know about me. I’ve never told you because it didn’t matter.” “You
mean…” “Depends
what you think I mean.” “I
think I mean what you think I mean. If one of us could possibly say it?” “Yeah,
would help, wouldn’t it?” There was an awkward silence before Ben cleared his
throat again. Then there was more silence. “Hey, what the hell, I…” Ray
shrugged, grinned apologetically. “I used to chase whatever I could get. Definitely
rough.” “Now,
Ray, that’s…” “You
don’t have to get all overprotective.” “So,
you…like…women and…and…men.” Ben was relieved just to get the words out. “I’m
surprised you haven’t noticed before.” “I’ve
noticed the women, but not…not…” “Well,
y’know, you don’t have to hide stuff if it’s women.” “You’ve
had…relationships…with men?” “Relationships
would be pushing it.” “Trysts
then?” “Uh-huh.” “Since
you’ve known me?” “Uh-huh.” “Ah.” “Don’t
go there. Not ah, oh, hmm or that throat-clearing trick.” “It’s
not a trick.” “It’s
a trick. No-one has that much phlegm without suffocating.” “I
hadn’t noticed about you…your friends…you. I wouldn’t have this time if Mr
Willoughby hadn’t been so obviously smitten.” “Smitten?”
Ray beamed. “Obviously.” “Shall
I give him a call?” “No.”
That came out a little sharper than was required. “You
really didn’t like him, huh?” Ray did a double take at the file he’d just
opened and triumphantly slid it onto Ben’s lap. “And good old Mountie intuition
does it again. Lester Willoughby Grade, high class fraud, fraud, fraud and –
would you look at that – more fraud. Looks like we might have found the missing
piece of this puzzle.” Ray threw the remaining files in the back seat, narrowly
missing a protesting wolf. “Let’s go see if Welsh is still at the station and
run it past him.”
“Ray…” “Spit
it out, Benny.” “Did
you ever…I mean…think of me in… No, of course you didn’t, forget I asked.” “You
asking if I’m attracted to you?” “Well…” “Would
it matter?” “Well…” “Would
it offend you?” “No.
I’m just curious.” “But
you don’t have a problem with me being…” “Good
grief, no. Live and let live. In fact, the Inuit— Did you jump that stop sign
to prevent me from…” “Look,
Benny, you don’t have to worry about me getting drunk and hitting on you or
something. Or anything. The answer’s no. No attraction.” “No?” “Not
now.” “No?”
Why did he feel so disappointed? “I
mean, If I’m being strictly honest I have to say that at first I was attracted,
but then we became friends and…” “You
weren’t interested once we became friends? Is my personality that unattractive?” “Come
on, Benny!” “Outwardly
appealing but with a personality that can kill any interest.” “I
never said that.” “Someone
else did.” “I’m
sure the circumstances matter.” “Well,
the young lady had made a hugely misguided comment about snowshoes, and I was
simply explaining…” Ray
tuned the remainder of the sentence out, sympathising with past Fraser’s oblivious
act of self-sabotage, and glancing with fond indulgence at the man himself. If
the blather wasn’t aimed at him it was occasionally quite endearing. Occasionally. “Did
this also involve Inuit stories?” “Intrinsically.
I was making a point, Ray.” “Well
then, someone else didn’t know what they were talking about. You’ve got a great
personality. A little bizarre at times, but great.” “So,
why…” “Because
I didn’t think it was very respectful of me to entertain certain thoughts about
the guy who became my best friend. Let’s face it, ninety-nine times out of a hundred,
you find out I’m looking at you like that and the friendship becomes history. That’s
after you’ve punched my lights out and broken my nose, which, you gotta admit,
on this face would be an extensive injury. Nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine times
out of a thousand.” “Not
with me, Ray.” “See,
I know that now. But you haven’t
needed to know about me, and if you look back you knowing about me wouldn’t
have changed anything, would it? We’d still be us and whatever.” “And
whatever.” “I’m
getting some strange signals here, Benny. You sound as if – and I apologise in
advance if I’m getting your general weirdness wrong here – you sound as if you
mind that I said no.”
Ben
sat in silence until they reached the station, wondering why he did mind. He remained
silent as Ray spoke to the lieutenant on duty, then phoned Welsh at home to
discuss “Come
on, Benny, let’s get you home.” “Are
you finished here?” “Sure.
Haven’t you been paying attention?” “Frankly…
No.” “Fair
enough. Get the wolf out of that trash can and let’s go.” “You’re
awful quiet, Benny. Have I pissed you off?” “Of
course not. I’ve just been thinking.” “Yeah,
about what I told you. Can we just forget it? You’d think by now I should’ve
learnt to keep my mouth shut.” “You
can tell me anything, Ray.” “That’s
what I thought. For one stupid, irresponsible moment that’s what I thought. Now
you haven’t got two words for me.” “I
was jealous,” Ben blurted out, determined to take the responsibility for his
lack of communication away from Ray. “I was jealous of “You’re
not the first person to get overprotective seeing some creep hitting on their
best friend. And you did see him for what he was. Good call.” “If
I hadn’t said anything, would you have contacted him?” “You
mean for a date? Jesus, Benny, not a chance. I was always gonna track down that
nose.” “So…”
Ben tried his best to sound casually interested, “…how does someone go about
having a chance?” “Who
we talking about now?” Ray
parked the Riv outside Ben’s apartment block. “Would
you like to come up?” “Want
to finish the inquisition?” “I’m
sorry, I…” “Got
any decent coffee in?” “Just
the instant brand you strenuously object to.” “Okay.
Then I’ve got to make a call.” Once
inside Ben put the kettle on to boil and sat with Ray at the table. “Still
waiting for an answer?” Ray asked with a smile. Ben just waited. “You set me up
with someone and I’m going to kill you.” Ben waited some more. Ray considered. “I
guess I just like men to be upfront. You have to use all your moves with women,
and that’s cool, that can be fun, but with a guy I want someone who can say…I
d’know…I want you. Simple as that. That’s why “You’re
rough, he’s smooth, what am I?” “Okay,
okay, I’m going to be clever here, but it’ll take a minute.” There was a short
pause. “You’re like a good piece of wood that’s been half-worked. First
impression is that you’re pretty smooth, but when you get a bit closer you can
still feel the grain.” Ray looked so exorbitantly pleased with himself that Ben
couldn’t hold back a delighted laugh. “You like that, Benny?” “Clever.” “Does
it answer your question?” “Barely.”
Now Ray laughed, and Ben understood a whole lot more about his feelings. “I
really was jealous, Ray. I don’t want to share you.” “That’s…that’s
nice. And typically weird. You know I’ll always be here for you.” Ben
took the boiling kettle from the gas and made tea and coffee, standing, deep in
thought, stirring and stirring. He jumped as Ray touched his shoulder. “Ray?” “Shall
I take that mug before you drill through into the counter?” Ben
stared into Ray’s eyes; why hadn’t he noticed before? Beautiful; beautiful
eyes. So close. Suddenly everything he had been feeling fell into place. More
than fell into place, it was like being hit by a frozen caribou. Everything
he’d never allowed himself to feel was just there,
as if it had been waiting an eternity to be freed. “Oh
dear.” “What
now?” “I’ve
figured it out.” “What
out?” “The
problem.” “The
problem with “The
problem with “You
have?” “I
have.” “Great.
Can I have my coffee now?” “The
problem with Willoughby is me.” “Uh-huh.
Coffee?” “I
want you.” Ray took a sharp breath. “I want you, Ray.” There
was a moment when they just stared at one another: Ray, a deer caught in
headlights, Ben, shocked by the courage of his own admission. “Benny…” “I
don’t know what else to say, you didn’t tell me what else. But I do want you.” “I
am not going to…” Ben’s
hand came up, and he wanted so much to touch his fingers to Ray’s lips to stop
him talking, to stop him saying no, but it was too intimate, that touch was
currently out of bounds. “Please,
Ray. Please think back. Try and remember what it was like to want me.” There
was a long pause. It wasn’t going to work, it wasn’t going to happen. Ben’s
hand dropped. “Ah,
no, Benny… Don’t look like that, it’s not like I’m rejecting you. Hey, friend. Best friend. Best friend in the
whole goddamn world. This isn’t rejection, it’s…showing some sense.” “Can’t
you remember? Can’t you get those feelings back?” “It
doesn’t work like that.” “But
I do want you.” “How
did I know you were going to say that? Look, Benny, you didn’t want me until
today…” “I
didn’t realise until today what I’ve kept buried inside, that’s
completely different. Because of my respect for you I’d never have given myself
permission to see you in any way but platonic, not before what you told me
tonight.” “Nothing’s
changed.” “You
know exactly what I’m talking about. There’s always been something… Something…more. Something unusual. Special. About
our friendship. Deeper than…” “How
about we skip the coffee and…” “Yes?”
Ben asked hopefully. “…talk
about this in the morning.” “Are
you staying? Please?” Ray
had the good grace to look horrified. “Haven’t
you heard a word I’ve said?” “The
pertinent ones.” “I
am not sabotaging the best friendship I’ve ever had ‘cause you’re suddenly clingy
after some asshole hit on me.” “It’s
not…” “No,
Benny,” Ray said firmly. “No.” Ben
paused, sad eyes drilling into Ray’s soul. Ray glanced at his watch just to
break the contact, it reminded him of what he should be doing rather than
fending off the Mountie. “Damn
it!” Ray broke away, pulling out his phone. “Sorry, you’re going to hate this
but I have to.” Ray found his notebook, flicked through the pages, and dialled
a number he eventually found there. “Carl? Hi, this is Ray Vecchio, sorry for
calling so late…” Ray saw Ben storming over and turned his back on him. “I was
wondering… … You read my mind. … Yeah, I’ve got the address. Gimme a half-hour
or so. … See you soon.” Ray put the phone away, took a deep breath and turned
to face Ben. “You
said he didn’t have a chance!” “For
a date. He didn’t have a chance for a
date. He doesn’t have a chance for a date.” “Then
what…” “Welsh
said to get in touch with him, unofficially, and find out…” “Unofficially?
So Welsh knows he’s interested in you?” “Yeah,
I told him. Thought it would make things easier.” “Does
he know you’re…you’re…” “Everyone
knows, Benny. I used to be a running joke for hitting on anything with a
pulse.” “You
used to be?” “Used
to be.” “Not
now?” “Not
now.” “What
happened?” “You
happened.” “But…” “Honestly?
I was so ashamed about the way I treated you when you first came to me, y’know,
with respect to your father.” “The
dead Mountie thing.” “Yes,
all right, do you have to go into detail?” “Well…” “Anyway.
It made me think about the way I treated other people as well. You made me take
a good long look at myself and I saw some changes I had to make.” “You
changed?” “It
happens.” “Did
people notice?” “Sure.
They stopped watching me making a fool of myself and found new sources of
entertainment.” “Did
they think I had anything to do with it?” “They
knew.” “And
did they think we were…” “No,
Benny, I promise you they never thought that. I never let them think that. But
as soon as they got to know you they figured out that you wouldn’t have been
interested anyway.” “How?” “Look,
I don’t have time for this now. I have to go talk to “It’s
entrapment, it won’t make it to court.” “No,
it’s not, not if he just happens to pass an indiscreet comment while he’s…” “On
a date!” Ben protested. “But you said…” “It’s
not a date. But he doesn’t know that, and you’re keeping your mouth shut.” “I
don’t like this.” “We
both read his file, he’s not violent, he isn’t going to pull a gun on me if
that’s what you’re worried about.” “No.
It isn’t that.” “And
it isn’t even going to take long, just in case you think I’ll be at this for
days. He’s so arrogant it will never occur to him that he’s been caught out.” “It
isn’t that either.” “You
still jealous?” Ben shrugged, having the good grace to look embarrassed by his
petulance. “But I’m not going there to jump into his bed, I’m trying to put the
guy away. I’m not going to do anything that I don’t want brought up in court.” “It’s
all right, Ray. You don’t have to answer to me. It’s not like there’s anything
between us.” “Ah,
come on, Benny! You know I think the
world of you. But you gotta see that we don’t want to screw things up.” There
was a long, painful pause. Ben took a step back, both figuratively and
literally. “Yes.
Yes, of course you’re right. I’m sorry, Ray, I don’t know what possessed me.” “That’s
better. Okay, back to normal. You want a lift in the morning?” “No.” “I’ll
be here at the usual time.” “I
don’t think that’s advisable.” “Stop
this now.” Ben remained stoically silent, and Ray couldn’t help bend to that
wounded expression. “Benny… That something special we have? That bond? The fact
I love you like a brother, and I’m ashamed that it had to come to this before I
let you know.” Ray sighed at the lack of response. “Now, I’m sorry to leave you
feeling so bad, but I don’t want to be too late or he really will get ideas.” He
glanced down at his day-old clothes. “And I want to go home and get changed
before I go to “Don’t
wear the green shirt.” “The
new one?” “Yes.” “Looks
bad?” “It
looks good. Too good.” Ray
grinned at the compliment until the context kicked in. Shaking his head he left
the apartment, and Ben crossed to his window to see Ray into the Riv and away.
‘The fact I love you like a brother’
rattled through Ben’s mind a few times before he put a screeching halt to it. “Luckily
you only have sisters,” Ben concluded, inordinately pleased at having had the
final word for once. By
eleven Ben had managed to find out where Ray
was already there and wasn’t wearing the green shirt; that maroon suited him
very well, though, and Ben was cross he hadn’t thought of it. Given half a
chance he’d have gone through Ray’s wardrobe awarding his clothes marks out of
ten for enhancing the cop’s desirability. And then let him go on this date
dressed in a sack tied around the waist with barbed wire, and wearing a bucket
on his head. Yes, indeedy. They
were just talking, as Ray had said they would. It was patently obvious from
Ray’s body language that that was all he was there for, but Willoughby was in
full-on seduction mode, and he was gradually shifting along the luxurious
leather couch to Ray’s side, his arm creeping along the back until it was
effectively around Ray’s shoulders. Ben turned away, furious and embarrassed
all at once: how could he spy on his friend like this? His friend. Not his boyfriend, lover, spouse – his friend. The friend who’d brushed him off and turned him into some…some…stalker. “Well,
if you’re going to stalk, then at least stalk efficiently,” he advised himself
before turning back and squinting into the not-so-brightly-lit-now room. Ray
was at the bar and “Don’t
look at him like that, he’s going to get the wrong impression,” Ben hissed. “He’ll
think – he’ll think…” The
oxygen was sucked from the Mountie’s body by some mysterious force as Ray
eased “Oh,
Ray, Ray, don’t…” Ben murmured. And Ray didn’t. He sat back, started to talk
again, but An
immediate rescue plan formed in Ben’s head, and he was halfway through mentally
designing an ad-hoc ghillie suit out of a nearby shrub, when he forced himself to
discard his somewhat desperate plan, knowing how angry Ray would be, especially
if he lost this – probably the only –
chance to allow Willoughby to betray himself. But… Kisses. Ben
was seriously smarting by this time and knew he had to leave. In a moment. In a
moment he’d leave because if he wasn’t watching he wouldn’t have to hurt and… Ray
was up, brushing As
Ben strolled through the gardens to the front of the house he heard the commotion
before he saw it; by the time he was casually leaning against the Riv, “So,
Benny, want to tell me what you’re doing here?” “Back-up,
Ray.” “And
where were you backing me up from?” “The
shrubbery.” “From
where you could see?” “Everything.” “I
think we’re gonna be discussing this later.” “I’m
sure we are.” Ray
handed over the tape from his micro-recorder to one of the detectives from the
original bust. “We
got good stuff on here, Vecchio?” “You
got a couple of gems on there, pal. Those other guys didn’t even know they were
working for him, and they certainly didn’t know he’d lined them up to take the
fall.” “Gonna
be a touching scene when they all meet in the prison yard.” “Yeah,”
Ray laughed, before taking his leave and turning back to Ben and the Riv. “You
want me to take you home again?” Ben smiled a thank you kindly and climbed into
the car. “What are you looking so damn perky about, you pervert?” “Back-up.” “Voyeur.” “Back-up.” “Did
I look like I needed back-up?” The words jogged a memory and Ray unconsciously
wiped his mouth again. “Jeez, I could do with a drink.” “Another
one?” “I
was on soda water. That’s why I made sure I fixed my own.” “Yes,
I can see how that would have been unfortunate.” “What?” “Letting
him prepare your drinks and waking up tomorrow morning in his bed with a
hangover and a sore…” “Benny!
What the hell has got into you?” “I
do feel strangely exuberant. I think it may be relief.” “Relief
that I didn’t…” “Do
any more than you had to, yes.” “I
knew what I was doing and I knew the limitations.” “Yes,
Ray.” “And
stupid people do tend to let their guard down when they’ve been drinking and
they’re that horny and think they’re getting what they want. I told you it
wasn’t going to take much.” “You
thought he was stupid?” “He
was stupid.” “But…” “Okay,
he may have been academically gifted but, in my experience, too many people
like that have no common sense whatsoever. He was never going to get away with
this, we’ve seen from his record what a lousy con artist he is. He certainly
didn’t have enough sense to stop himself underestimating me.” “I’m
very proud of you, Ray.” “That’s
nice.” “You
know what would be nicer?” “Stop
it. Stop it right now.”
At
the apartment Ray didn’t wait for Ben to put the kettle on, he did it himself. “Coffee,
coffee, coffee. I gotta get this taste out of my mouth. I hate a smoker,
y’know? And God only knows what he’d been drinking. Stagnant pond water by the
taste of him.” “Ray…I
know it’s taken me a while to understand my feelings, but…” “But
what?” “I
don’t think anybody should do that but me.” “What?
Make coffee?” “Kiss
you.” “Don’t
start that again.” Ben
slowly moved in until he was a hand’s breadth away. “I
don’t smoke, I don’t drink. I haven’t licked anything I found on the sidewalk
in days.” Ray
smiled at that, and Ben saw the look in his eyes soften, causing his heart to
jump hopefully. “I’m
admitting this in a moment of weakness, probably due to caffeine deprivation,
but… I have wondered. What it would be like to kiss you. I always thought it
would be…nice.” “Just
nice?” “Very
nice. I always thought…very nice.” “Want
to find out?” Ray
sighed. “Not
as much as I want us to stay friends.” “One
kiss, Ray.” “Uh-uh.” “Or…whatever
you want.” “You’re
worrying me now. This is worrying me.
I know how batshit crazy you can go when you get obsessed with someone.” “Do
you want to know what worries me?” “No,
but you’re going to tell me, right?” “Not
having the chance to find out if we should be something more than we are.” “You’re
prepared to risk our friendship for that chance?” “I
think it’s worth it.” “Worth
it! Are you— It’d be the equivalent of throwing a grenade into a warehouse storing
highly flammable stupid choices.” “That’s
absolute hyperbole.” “Says
the only man in Chicago with a worse romantic record than mine.” Ben
steadfastly refused to rise to that insultingly truthful accusation. “Aren’t
we worth it, Ray?” Ray just glared. Glared.
“Ray?” Ben prompted. “And
if it doesn’t work out you’re prepared to carry on as if nothing has happened?” “Yes.” “Then
I know you’re not thinking straight because that would never happen, it never
does. When that line is crossed there’s no way back.” “Surely…” “I
think you’re just as stupid and horny as that creep tonight.” A hurt expression
clouded Ben’s face and Ray patted his arm. “Let it go, Benny.” Ray
didn’t stop to drink his coffee, he left before things could get any more
difficult for him, and impossible for Ben. Ben
was left with his head in a spin, shocked at himself for how forward he was
being, a huge step outside of his typical character and behaviour. But he had
never been so sure of anything in his life and he couldn’t bear to let his
usual reticence in such matters lose him this monumental opportunity for
happiness. Lose him what could be with Ray. He had to take a chance. Despite Ray’s assumption, this wasn’t about being stupid and horny, this was a logical, stone cold sober conviction: if he gave a little nudge or two, Ray would surely take a chance too.
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The Rough with the Smooth 2 The Rough with the Smooth Index Notes |
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