SECRETS AND
CONFESSIONS
by
Edibbea
Notes
Xander sat on
the bed, thinking. He'd needed to shower and change again
after he and Spike had come all over each other on the
couch. Spike had fallen asleep, so Xander had thrown a
blanket over him and left him there.
Xander sighed. The fuzziness in his head was clearing a
little, and he was able to think again. He wasn't
stupid. He knew that somehow Spike had been flooding him
with emotions so he wouldn't... so he wouldn't what?
Wouldn't panic, grab a stake, run away, get the Slayer, all of the
above? Stupid vampire, Xander thought, if any of that had
been an option I'd have done it, not got blind drunk in the
bathroom. So why make with the fuzzy, no-thinking
Xander?
Xander thought about Spike's words. He felt the truth of
them deep in his being. He felt his mate as almost a
physical part of him. The need for Spike was so strong -
much stronger than it had been even yesterday. He would kill
for his mate, or die for him. He would protect him, even if
that meant he went against his best friends. He loved them,
but he would sacrifice any of them before he allowed his mate to
come to harm.
Xander began to feel uneasy. He loved Spike with everything
that he was, but he shouldn't be pleased about the chip
being deactivated. His best friend had been killed by a
vamp. He went out with the Slayer and killed vamps on a
regular basis, for God's sake. He lay back on the bed, his
arm over his eyes, trying to calm his thoughts. What
disturbed Xander most was that the argument with himself was
occurring on a purely intellectual level. His mind, his
moral sense, knew that it was wrong to treat people as prey, but
everything else in him was arguing that it was Spike's nature and
that his mate needed to hunt. Xander felt bone weary,
his whirling thoughts exhausting him. He closed his eyes for a
moment to rest.
Xander's eyes flew open; he was instantly awake and alert.
He sat on the edge of the bed and checked his watch. He'd
slept for an hour or so, and his dreams had been full of
blood. Spike's blood, with Xander drinking mouthful after
mouthful as Spike made love to him and fed from him again and
again. Xander sat there, shaken. He knew it wasn't
just a dream - he was remembering what had happened. Just
how much blood had he been fed? Before, Spike had been
giving him very little, but all that had changed last night,
apparently. He'd told Xander he'd only get small quantities,
so it wouldn't do anything to him. But suddenly he felt...
different. And Spike was standing in the doorway.
Xander didn't even have to look up to know he was there. He
could feel him.
"What did you do to me, Spike?" Xander asked in a low
voice.
"Only what needed to be done, Xander."
"And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"I completed the mating bond. That's part of what you felt
earlier, feeling me as part of you. I was going to do it
gradually over the next few days, but you forced my hand. I
had no choice."
"*I* forced your hand? And there's always a choice. The 'not
feeding Xander gallons of blood while he's out of it' option
sounds good to me. Would have got *my* vote if anyone had
bothered to ask."
"So, you remember," said Spike. He walked around the bed and
stood in front of Xander. "Look at me." As Xander
raised his head, the golden eyes of a Master Vampire stared into
his, and held his gaze as he intoned, "I had the right under Lore
to do what I did, and your permission to do it. Kneel before
me, Alexander Harris, Consort of Master William the Bloody of the
Line of Aurelius." Xander found himself slipping off the bed
onto his knees, unable to tear his eyes from the face above him as
the voice that resonated with something ancient and powerful
continued: "'You have freely given yourself to me', remember
those words? I asked you if you accepted my claim three
times, and three times you gave your assent. You fed from me
willingly. I asked who you were, Alexander, and you told me
you were mine. The timing between initiation and completion
of the mating bond is at my discretion, not yours. I treat
you as my equal because I choose to do so, because I love
you. By freely giving your assent to the blood bond you have
placed yourself under the rule of Lore, under my rule, and
you
will
abide by it, Alexander Harris.
Stand." Xander stood and bared his throat, not understanding
why he was doing it, but knowing that he must. Spike sank
his fangs into the claim mark, drank shallowly for a second or
two, then licked the wound to stop the bleeding. He then cut
his wrist with a sharp claw and offered it to Xander, who latched
onto it and suckled desperately, suddenly needing the intimacy of
his mate's blood.
As the wrist was gently pulled away, Xander looked up into
sparkling blue eyes, and it was Spike again. He sat on the
bed, pulled Xander down next to him and took his hands.
"You're mine now, fully claimed. This would have happened anyway,
pet, just not quite so soon. There will be changes, because
you share my demon now, but nothing bad will happen to you.
You'll be physically stronger, and your reactions will be much
faster, so, good for patrolling, right? You'll heal far more
quickly from injuries, and you'll age much more slowly than other
humans. And the bond goes both ways - you're part of me,
too. I hadn't meant to fall asleep and let you discover this
on your own, but I didn't get too much rest last night."
Xander was stunned. His anger had totally dissipated as the
meaning of the ritual words, and the reality of everything Spike
had said to him today came crashing down on him. He didn't
notice Spike get up and go to the bar. A glass was pressed
into his hand. "Drink it, Xan." Xander took a
swallow, and coughed as the liquid burnt his throat.
"Brandy, it's good for shock," said Spike.
Spike sat quietly next to his mate as he sipped his drink.
Sensing Xander's confusion, he very gently sent feelings of love
and reassurance through their bond, and was relieved to feel
Xander begin to calm down.
"You can stop with the warm fuzzies, Spike. I'm not going to
start screaming hysterically or hunting for a stake," said
Xander. Spike looked up and saw Xander staring at him, an
odd expression on his face.
"Why the rush to complete the bond, Spike?"
Spike sighed. "I need you to understand, really understand,
why I need that fucking chip gone, Xan. And without the
bond, without the demon's perspective, you couldn't. You
found out before we were fully bonded and you panicked.
Human reaction, only natural. But you know what the chip
does to me now, don't you?"
Xander nodded slowly. "Yeah, I do. And I want it gone
too, Spike. You need to be whole again, and I want that for
you. But my friends, and... Spike, it's going to tear me
apart knowing that you're killing again. I sound crazy, I
know. I want you to be able to do anything you want again,
but it's going to be hard for me to live with this. I don't
know how I'm gonna do it."
"I know, and that's why I'm not going to." As Xander looked
at Spike in shock, Spike continued, "I will hunt, Xan. I
need it. But I won't prey on the innocent, or kill
indiscriminately, unless it's to defend us. I can feed
without killing. And I can bag it some of the
time. Remember I said the bond goes both ways? I have
some of your soul, too, Xan, and that will make it far easier for
me to rein in the demon's urges. Consider it my wedding
present."
"Oh, Spike, thank you," said Xander, pouring as much love and
gratitude through their bond as possible. He knew this was a
huge concession from the vampire, and he didn't intend to treat it
lightly. Then he grinned. "Wedding present, huh?
I'm a married man. Shit! Kinda feel like I've missed
out on the dating and the engagement and stuff here."
"Want, take, have, pet. Vampires don't date. And
anyway, I gave you a ring - several rings in fact." At
Xander's quizzical glance, Spike began to enumerate. "Key
ring, leather cock ring, metal cock ring..." Xander reached
up and grabbed the vampire, pulling him down on top of him.
Spike kissed his consort gently. "You OK, pet?"
Xander thought for a moment, sifting through and examining his
feelings. He felt... complete, like he belonged. Like
he was home. He smiled. A genuine, wide smile.
"Yeah. Actually I'm more than OK. It just all hit me
at once, y'know? Just needed to process. This is what
I wanted, Spike, to belong to you. I just wish you'd told me
before doing it, that's all." Spike kissed Xander again, and
rolled off him, getting off the bed and heading to the tallboy in
the walk in closet. He opened the top drawer and came back
with a small box in his hand. He sat on the bed next to
Xander, opened the box, took Xander's left hand and slipped a
heavy gold ring onto the third finger. "You didn't let me
finish my list of rings, Xander," Spike said, "I was going to
finish with wedding ring. There's an inscription."
Xander slipped the ring off, and read the words, 'Eternally yours'
engraved on the inner surface.
"Fuck, Spike," said Xander, slipping the ring reverently back on
his finger, and swallowing as his throat suddenly felt tight with
emotion. Spike reached down and began unbuttoning Xander's
shirt. "Let me show you just how much you mean to me, Xan,"
he said huskily.
*****
The rest of the day and the night that followed were spent in each
other's arms, talking, making love, simply being with each
other. Xander couldn't seem to stop touching Spike, and the
vampire explained that this was common in the newly bonded, and
that the desperate need for physical contact would abate as Xander
grew used to the bond.
As they sat in bed eating breakfast the next morning, Spike raised
the topic he knew was causing the uneasiness he could feel lurking
in his mate's mind. "Meeting your friends this afternoon,
pet."
"Yeah, Spike, I know," sighed Xander. "I'm gonna have to
tell them, aren't I?"
"Kinda hard to hide the fact from the Slayer, love. She'll
pick up your bond with me. Well, obviously she won't know
that's what it is, but you'll set all her warning bells off, just
like a vamp does. D'you want me to come with you? I
should be there."
"Fuck, no, Spike! It's gonna be hard enough without me
having to worry about Buffy staking you. Look, she doesn't
know where you are, so for the moment let's keep it that
way. Once the chip is out, and you can defend yourself
against her, I won't have to worry... And I cannot believe I
just said that," said Xander, shaking his head at himself.
"Look, the last thing I want is a showdown between the two of
you. I love you both, Spike, and I don't want to see either
of you hurt. And the thing that scares me is I'd kill her if
she tried to touch you."
Spike shoved the trays out of the way and drew his mate into a
tight embrace, feeling his distress clearly. "Shh,
love. That's just the demon rattling the bars a bit.
You won't hurt your friends, and I'll stay out of the Slayer's way
for a while, I mean, she can't stay mad for ever, right?"
Xander took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, trying to calm
himself. He was shaken at the violence of his protective
feelings towards Spike. "Spike, the demon... is that how you
feel..."
"Is that how I feel about you? Christ, Xander. I'd
tear anyone limb from limb if they even looked sideways at
you. The Watchers think that demons can't love. They
have no fucking idea, Xan. No idea at all."
*****
Xander had decided that it might be a good idea to get to Giles'
apartment early. Giles was expecting them all to meet there
at three, so Xander got there an hour earlier. He hoped he
could explain it to Giles, then at least he wouldn't have to deal
with all three of them at once. He could sense Spike's
reassuring presence at the edges of his thoughts as he knocked on
the door. Spike had been very unhappy about Xander going on
his own, but eventually had to agree that it was the only sensible
decision.
"Xander, you're early. Not working today?" Giles stood
aside, letting Xander into the apartment. "I was just having
some lunch. Would you like anything?"
"Um, just a drink thanks, Giles."
Giles brought Xander a can of soda, and sat down next to him on
the couch to finish his sandwich. "So, work?"
"No, I er, quit, last week."
"Why? Did you get a better offer?"
Xander smiled. "Yeah, you could say that." Xander took
a long swallow of his drink. The palms of his hands were
clammy, and he could feel the butterflies churning in his
stomach. He had no idea how to tell Giles what had
happened. He could feel Spike sending calming, loving
feelings to him, and he felt the butterflies settle a little.
"Giles, I need to tell you something, and I have no idea how to go
about it, but I have a pretty good idea of how you're gonna
react. So just hear me out, OK?"
Giles gave him an appraising look, then nodded. "All right,
Xander. I'm listening."
"I, er, that is, Spike and me, well, we er..." Xander
worried his bottom lip with his teeth, groping for words. He
saw Giles stiffen in his seat at the mention of Spike. "You
and Spike what, Xander?"
"Spike and I are... I mean, we've..." Xander took a deep
breath. Jeez, why couldn't he just say the words?
"Giles, I'm fairly certain that I'm gay, or bi, maybe." OK,
ease into it, good move.
Giles' face softened a little. "That's not a total surprise
to me, Xander. I've noticed that you..." Giles' voice
trailed away as Xander's babbled words began to sink in.
"No. Oh, no," said Giles. "Xander, please tell me that
Spike is still tied to a chair, or that you've dusted him and
don't know how to tell me."
"Um, no, and hell no. What I'm trying to say is that Spike
and I are... we're sleeping together," Xander blurted
out. Giles closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his
nose for a moment, dislodging his glasses slightly.
"God, this is all my fault. How could I have been so blind,
so stupid? I should never have left you alone with
Spike. I should have known he'd prey on you, find some way
around that damn chip. Where is he, Xander? Forget
Buffy, I'll bloody well stake him myself."
"Giles, please. It's not what you think. Spike didn't
attack me. It was...what I wanted."
Giles looked at Xander incredulously. "I find that very
difficult to believe, Xander. Spike is a dangerous vampire,
chip or no chip. You will remain here until Buffy and I have
dealt with him. At least the chip stopped him from feeding,
or you'd doubtless be drained or turned by now." Something
in Xander's expression made Giles' blood run cold. "Xander,
he didn't..."
Xander sat motionless as Giles leaned towards him suddenly.
With shaking hands, Giles unbuttoned the collar of an unresisting
Xander's shirt, pushing it back, looking for and finding what he
had desperately hoped wouldn't be there. His hands fell
away. Xander buttoned his shirt up, pulling it
forward, making sure his claim mark was covered again. Show
and tell seemed to work well, a vaguely hysterical voice giggled
at the back of his thoughts.
"How could he have bitten you? The chip is obviously not as
effective as we thought." Giles seemed to be almost talking
to himself as he absently took off his glasses and began polishing
them. Xander reached across and laid his hand across Giles',
stilling the jerky movements. "Giles, please. It's not
like that." Giles looked down, seeing the ring on
Xander's finger for the first time. He took Xander's hand in
his, rubbing the ring between his thumb and index finger.
"This is new?" he queried. "Yeah, Spike gave it to me," said
Xander, feeling himself choking up at the distress that was
obvious in the older man as all the pieces finally clicked into
place.
"Dear lord, he didn't just feed from you, did he? He claimed
you. When did this happen, Xander? There may still be
time to-"
"No, Giles. The bond's complete," interrupted Xander,
knowing that Giles would know exactly what that meant. And
gradually it seemed to sink in to Giles that Xander hadn't been
attacked, or claimed against his will.
Giles slumped back, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his
nose as though trying to stem the headache he could feel coming on
fast. "Do you have any idea what you've done, Xander?
Do you have any conception of how serious this is? You have
bound yourself to a demon for the rest of your existence."
"Yes, Giles. I know, I was there," said Xander.
"Xander, this is serious!" Giles snapped at him.
Xander sighed. "I know that, Giles. It is my life, you
know. Look. I'm in love with Spike. He's in love
with me. We're bonded. And now I have to tell my
friends. I know you can't be happy for me, but please try to
at least understand. If you can't accept it, then what
chance do I have with Willow and Buffy?" They sat in silence
for some time, then Giles sighed, put on his glasses and turned to
look at Xander.
"To say I'm unhappy about this is to grossly understate my
feelings on the matter, Xander, but it's too late to do anything
about it. And obviously we can't stake Spike, given your
blood bond to him."
"I'm sure he'll be relieved to hear that, Giles."
Giles look at Xander, hard. "He knows that already,
Xander. Didn't he explain to you what would happen to you if
he was dusted?"
"Um, he said something about that, but..." Xander's voice
trailed off.
"I have a book you should read. It will interest you.
It was written by a vampire of the Aurelius Line, which you would
have a particular interest in, now. There is a very detailed
section on the claiming of consorts." Giles walked over to
the bookshelf and removed a slim volume. Leafing
through the pages, he found the relevant section and handed the
open book to Xander. "You should read it now. It won't
take you long; it's not a very large section. I think I need
to make some tea. Some very strong, sweet tea," said
Giles. "Good for shock, so I've heard," he added dryly.
Twenty minutes later, a rather pale looking Xander closed the
book. He sent as much reassurance as he could through the
bond as he felt his mate becoming frantic at the edges of his
mind. Giles took in the pale face, eyes closed in
concentration, and said, "Xander, are you feeling all right?"
"Yeah. Sorry, Giles. Just trying to calm Spike
down. He was getting a bit edgy there."
Giles' eyes widened. "You can talk to him?"
"Huh? Oh, no, no. I can feel him, his emotions,
y'know? And he could feel me getting a little anxious, I
just had to let him know I was OK."
"Oh, I see. And are you? OK, I mean?"
Xander leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, rubbing
his hands over his face. "Yeah, pretty much. Just...
some of the stuff in there threw me a bit, is all. Giles,
can I, can I borrow this? I'll take good care of it, just...
There's some things in there I need to ask Spike about,
y'know?"
"Yes, I imagine there are. Of course you may, Xander.
Is there anything you would like to ask me?"
"Am I still welcome here, Giles?"
The question threw Giles for a second. The thought of
rejecting the child had never crossed his mind. "Oh, my dear
boy," said Giles, reaching over and gently rubbing Xander's
back. "Of course you are. We can't help who we fall in
love with, Xander. I know that better than anyone. I
may not be terribly happy with what you've done, but I'm not going
to turn my back on you."
Xander let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you. That
means a lot to me." Xander slipped the book into the pocket
of his jacket and glanced at the clock. "Buffy and Willow
will be here soon," he said, the nervousness in his voice
apparent.
"Do you want me to talk to them for you, Xander? I know this
is going to be hard for you."
"No. Thanks, Giles, but I've got to face them, tell them
myself. I'm just not sure how to raise the subject, that's
all."
"I don't think that'll be a problem, Xander," said Giles
dryly. "Didn't Spike tell you that Buffy will know as soon
as she sees you?"
"Oh, yeah. Forgot." Xander swallowed against his
suddenly dry throat. He jumped up and started pacing around
the living room. Giles stood up and clasped Xander's arms,
stopping the restless pacing. "Come into the kitchen, we can
get some snacks ready for when they get here. Give you
something to do instead of sitting here worrying."
*****
Xander had just gone to the bathroom when the apartment door flew
open as Buffy and Willow bounced through the door. They had
only taken two or three steps into the apartment when Buffy
suddenly stopped, glanced around quickly, then thrust her hand
into her bag. Drawing out a stake, she threw the bag to the
floor and, looking warily at Willow, she tucked the stake into the
back pocket of her jeans. Giles walked out of the kitchen to
see Buffy looking alert in the middle of the living
room.
"Have you got the bleached menace back again, Giles?"
"No. It's not that..."
"Oh, then Angel's here?" asked Buffy, sounding much more
enthusiastic.
"No, neither of them are here, Buffy. Please sit down, I
need to..."
"There's a vamp here, Giles. I can feel it," she hissed at
him. She raised her head as though sniffing the air, and
then took off in the direction of the bathroom.
"No, Buffy, wait. I have to tell you something..."
Meanwhile, Xander was standing shaking in the bathroom. He
was tingling all over, his blood screaming 'Slayer: danger' at him
while his brain forcibly over-ruled the primitive fight-or-flight
reflex. Let's get this over with, he thought, and he walked
out of the bathroom to find himself slammed against the wall with
a stake pressed to his chest two seconds later.
"Missed you, too, Buff," he said, through too-dry lips.
Buffy stared at him in shock. "Xander?"
"Buffy, what are you doing?" screamed Willow, dropping her book
bag to the floor and rushing up behind Buffy, grabbing her arm and
trying to pull the stake away from Xander's chest.
"Well, that's the pleasantries taken care of," said Giles, "so,
shall we all sit down?"
*****
As the stressed out bundle of sorrow and gloom that was his mate
came through the apartment door, Spike gathered him into his
arms. Xander buried his head into Spike's neck as harsh,
gut-wrenching sobs tore from his throat. Spike held him
tightly, rubbing his back, making small 'shushing' noises and
pouring love down the bond. As the sobbing abated, Spike led
Xander into the bedroom and sat him down on the bed. Taking
his jacket from him, he poured him a brandy and pressed the glass
into his hand. "Just take a few sips, Xan, help you to calm
down a bit." Xander took a swallow, and shuddered. "Do
you want to talk about it, pet?" Xander shook his head
mutely. Spike took the glass from Xander and finished the
brandy himself. He then pulled back the covers on the bed,
undressed his mate and put him into bed. Spike stripped
quickly and crawled in beside him, gathering Xander into his arms
again.
Spike felt as though his unbeating heart would break at the misery
he felt pouring from Xander. Xander would need to talk about
this, but right at this moment he needed to feel loved. And
he needed to know just how good it could be with the bond in
place. Spike began kissing Xander, slowly and as tenderly as
he could, stroking his mate, whispering words of endearment to
him. Gradually, he felt Xander begin to respond, the misery
abating as arousal took its place. Spike peppered Xander
with kisses, along his jawline, down the long column of his
throat, licking and nipping at his claim mark until Xander was
groaning and thrusting up against him. He rolled and pinched
one dusky nipple as this lips and teeth worked the other into a
hard point. But he wasn't going to tease, not today.
He kissed his way down to Xander's cock, and began to lick and
suck the fiery hardness while his hands fumbled under the pillow
for the lube. He quickly and thoroughly prepared his mate,
slicked himself up, and entered Xander in one, smooth
thrust.
Spike stopped, buried in the silken softness, and stared deeply
into the beautiful, dark velvet eyes of his lover. "You are
my world, Xander, and I adore you. Open yourself to me," he
said, before claiming the swollen, red lips in a searing
kiss. Xander groaned and bucked against him. Feeling
the swirl of Spike's emotions in his head, Xander opened himself
up. And gasped as Spike began moving, thrusting into him
again and again. Sensations overwhelmed Xander. He felt
himself thrusting into liquid heat; he felt himself impaled on
cool hardness; he felt the delicious tightness and friction on his
cool shaft; he felt the delicious tingling sparks run through him
as the small bundle of nerves was hit again and again; he felt his
fangs elongate and his face shift; he felt his mouth open wider as
he gasped for air; he felt sharp fangs slice through heated skin;
he felt blunt teeth tear into cool flesh; and blood exploded
through him, filling him as he arched and thrust and cried out
into the bright white oblivion of orgasm.
SECRETS
AND CONFESSIONS
II
