SECRETS AND
LIES
by
Edibbea
Notes
As the door slammed shut behind Spike, Xander groaned and slowly sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. The rope loops were still tight around his ankles and wrists, and as he looked at them he felt his flagging erection start to throb to life again. The feel of the rough restraints was... He worked them off, desperately trying to ignore what he was feeling, to keep his mind blank. He flung the four cut pieces of rope across the room with a sob. Grabbing the quilt from where Spike had thrown it to the floor, he wrapped it around himself, and lay curled up on the bed. "Don't think about it, don't think about it," he chanted like a mantra. But his last thought as he drifted into an exhausted sleep was, "What the fuck am I gonna do?"
The next few days passed in a feverish blur. Xander was certain that he could feel Spike watching him, even in broad daylight. He felt like he was losing his mind. And he couldn't stop thinking about what Spike had said, and what he had done. Spike hadn't returned to the basement, and Xander found himself lying to the girls and Giles, telling them that the vampire was securely locked in, and that there was no need for them to bother about him. What else could he say? 'Hey, yeah, Spike tied me up, offered me every fantasy I've ever had, and then walked out - haven't seen him since.' Yeah, that'd go down real well.
By the afternoon of the fourth day since Spike took off, when he met up with the gang at Giles' place as arranged, Xander felt as strung out as a junkie desperate for the next fix.
"So how's it going, Xander? The evil-undead bothering you too much?" Buffy asked with a smile. Xander forced a smile onto his face. "No, no problems, Buff. Just keep him tied him to the chair and ignore him, you know." 'And how the fuck had he managed to get the ropes untied? Spike hadn't cut them because he'd used those same ropes to tie Xander to the bed when he... don't think about it, not now...'
"Hey, Xan - you OK? You've gone really pale," said Willow, a look of concern crossing her face.
"Yeah, Wills - I'm fine, really. Just a little tired is all, not sleeping well."
"Spike being a pain, huh? Never mind, only a few more days and then you can give him back to Giles."
"If he'll take him," said Buffy. "I think he's quite relieved to get rid of him. Oh, do you have enough blood?" Xander stared at Buffy blankly as the image of lips and teeth and a cool mouth sucking and sucking hit him like a sledgehammer.
"Whoa, Xander!" Buffy caught him as he started to fall, and half-carried him to the couch. "Here, put your head down and try to breathe slowly..." Buffy caught Willow's eye with a questioning look, but Willow shrugged and shook her head slightly - she had no idea what was up with Xander. Giles walked out of the kitchen, carrying the cans of soda the children had requested.
"Yes, Xander, thank you for taking Spike at such short notice, I... Goodness, are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," mumbled Xander. "Just a bit tired, and I think I probably need something to eat."
"I can make you a sandwich. Just drink your soda - won't take a minute." Despite Xander's protests, Giles quickly made him a sandwich and watched him eat it. Xander was growing desperate - he had to get out of here, away from the scrutiny of his friends. He'd been avoiding them - barely spoken to them for days now. They were watching him with concern, and Xander tried to soothe everyone.
"Thanks, G-man, feeling much better now," he said with a smile. "I think I'll just head off and get some rest."
"I think you should. And don't bother about patrol tonight." Giles cleared his throat, "Um, if Spike is causing you problems, Xander..."
"The bleached menace? Hell no, no problems at all - everything's fine." 'Please let me pull this off...'
"Well, that's good. I must confess to being relieved not to have to listen to his continual complaints. Oh, I'll give you some more blood. Let me just pack it into a cooler for you." Giles headed off into the kitchen again. Willow sat next to Xander, and tucked her arm through his. "Are you sure you're OK, Xan? Want me and Buffy to walk you home - make sure you get there OK?" 'God, no...'
"Nah, I'll be fine." Xander grabbed the cooler and headed for the door. "I'll catch up with you guys later, OK?" he said, and made good his escape.
*****
The sun was just starting to set as Xander opened his front door. He walked in slowly, searching for some evidence that Spike had come back, as he had every evening for the past 3 days, but the place was just as he'd left it. He was going to have to come up with some story to explain Spike's disappearance soon. He dumped the blood into the fridge, straightened up the bed, and then decided to take a shower.
The hot water cascaded over him as he soaped himself leisurely. As he washed his arms, he saw that the scar where Spike had... anyway, it was completely healed. He tried to blank his mind again, but his treacherous thoughts rebelled. He closed his eyes and leant his forehead against the cool tiles, willing his thoughts to still. But his hand strayed to his cock as the events of that night began a slow-motion replay in his head, as they had every night since it happened. The thing was... the thing was that Spike was right. He did want it. And the fact that Spike had been able to hurt him and feed from him without getting zapped was the final proof - if Xander hadn't wanted it, it couldn't have happened. And that scared the shit out of him, even as the thought brought him to orgasm.
He'd tried so hard to be what Buffy and Willow and Giles expected him to be. The Xan-man, the clown, lousy choice in girlfriends, butt of many jokes, bringer of donuts. He'd denied himself the pleasure he got from looking at other men - stomped it down hard and locked it in the box marked 'repress this'. This same box held his gut-wrenching desire for Spike. The shock of wanton lust he had felt on learning about how master vampires seduced and dominated their victims had almost pushed him over the edge. But the thought of the others looking at him with disgust was just... So he sniped at Spike and kept his distance, and used the handcuffs and the bright, shiny and above all *sharp* knife when it threatened to overwhelm him...
Fuck, he couldn't take it anymore. He was living a lie, and it was driving him insane. He felt torn in two. He couldn't bear to lose the friendship and respect of his friends, but how long could he continue denying who he was? And as he stood under the rapidly cooling water, he finally reached a decision. With crystal clarity, he suddenly just knew. Enough was enough. He would take everything Spike would give him, if he would just come back.
*****
He woke to find that candles had been scattered around the surfaces of his room. And Spike was standing there, watching him in the flickering gloom.
"No ropes this time?" asked Xander.
"No need this time," answered Spike, softly. "unless you want them." He didn't miss the blast of arousal that came from Xander as he uttered the words. So, bondage as well? Spike added this to the list of things that would make up the unique form of seduction he would use on Xander tonight.
"Look at me, Xander," he said, and Xander lifted his eyes to Spike's. "Have you been thinking about this, pet?" he asked. Xander nodded, mutely. "Do you want this?" As Xander stared at him, Spike raised his hand. "There's no going back. You will belong to me - you will be mine, completely. Do you understand? If I take you, you stay taken."
A small war broke out in Xander's head:
'Tell him to fuck off. Just throw him out now, and my life is back to normal. No more lying to the girls and Giles.'
'Just lying to myself instead. And I've already made my decision.'
'No. I'll lose my friends, and my life as it is now will be over, ruined.'
'But I don't think I can live like that anymore, not for anyone. And how do I know they'll reject me?'
'Who am I kidding? The gay thing, yeah maybe. The domination-y thing - let's not go there. The lusting after a vampire thing, with the fangs and the blood - we're talking stakes at sunset, recriminations, shouting and screaming...'
'I could keep it a secret.'
'Yeah, 'cos I'm so good at that... look at what happened this afternoon. And I haven't even done anything yet.'
'And isn't *that* the story of my life.'
'But suppose this is just some evil plan to turn me, and use me against the others.'
'He could have done that the first night.... I wouldn't have stopped him, and he knew it... and... Jeez, I want this. And I want him... I've wanted him for so long...'
Suddenly something in Xander shattered, and everything he'd repressed for like, forever, came spilling out. And then there was no decision to be made. He smiled weakly, swallowed hard and said, "Yes, I want you."
Spike had waited patiently while the internal Xander-babble resolved itself. He nodded, not missing the slip Xander had made in his reply, and said, "Then take your clothes off, pet, I want to see you."
Without further thought, Xander found himself standing up and stripping off his t-shirt and drawstring pants, so that he stood naked in the flickering candlelight in front of Spike. Spike walked around him, touching his belly, his cock, his arm, sliding his hand down his back. "You are so beautiful naked, pet. I knew you would be. I will enjoy you very much," he said in a soft, low voice that vibrated through Xander like a tuning fork.
"Now come here and kneel at my feet, pet," Spike said, silkily. 'Fuck, no!' said a small annoying voice, but still Xander found himself on his knees, his arms hanging loosely by his sides. Xander told the voice to fuck off, and not come back. After all, this was what he wanted, what he needed, so why the hell fight it anymore.
Spike's voice broke into Xander's thoughts. "You want to please me, don't you, pet." It was a statement, not a question, and Xander found himself nodding. He *did* want to please Spike. Because then he would get what had denied himself. And because it was Spike. Spike's soft words seemed to envelop Xander, and he found himself wanting to sink into the silken voice. Spike reached down and gently stroked his cheek. "I know you haven't done anything like this before. It pleases me that I'll be the first one you've ever sucked off, and that I'll be the first one to fuck that pretty arse of yours. And pet, I will be the only one, ever." Xander's mouth grew suddenly dry, and he swallowed hard. His heart was hammering in his chest.
"Unbutton me and take out my cock," said Spike, his voice still soft, but with a note of steel behind it that hadn't been there before. Xander reached up with trembling hands and carefully did as he was bid. Spike helped him push the jeans down his thighs, as his shaking hands couldn't quite seem to manage. Spike was hard - and big... He'd seen pictures, of course, in magazines, of men doing... that. 'You can't even say the words in your head, can you?' his thoughts mocked him. 'Fucking, they were fucking. How are you going to do it if you can't even think it?' Xander had to concede that point, but surely something that big couldn't fit... His thoughts were interrupted again by Spike's soothing tones. "You're looking worried, pet. There's nothing to be worried about. When the time comes, you'll want it, and you'll be ready. Now, take me in one hand and lick me."
Xander took a deep breath, wrapped his hand around Spike's cool cock, and moved his lips to the head. He brought his tongue out and licked gently at the tip. The clear fluid he licked off was salty and...something else he couldn't quite place. "Now open your mouth and take me in. I want to see what you can do." Xander opened his mouth, and Spike pushed a little way in. 'Finally!' said an irreverent voice in Xander's head, and Xander could only agree.
He started to suck, and Spike said, "Put your hands on my hips, pet, and leave them there. Do not touch yourself." Spike placed his hands on Xander's shoulders, then started to thrust gently into his mouth. Xander opened his mouth wider, and swirled his tongue around experimentally. "Yeah, that's nice pet. Do that again." Xander sucked, and swirled his tongue, and moved his head around, trying to find the best angle. Then Spike stopped moving, and stepped closer to Xander, who had to move his head back slightly to avoid being choked. "Now, you move your head, forwards and backwards, and try to get me in as deep as you can. I want to feel your lips at the base of my cock, and you swallowing around me. Can you do that for me?" Spike smiled to himself as Xander complied. He knew the boy wanted him, but he hadn't realised how strong his need to be dominated was - the wave of arousal that hit him when he used his 'Master' voice had almost knocked him over.
Xander bobbed his head up and down, taking Spike in a little further each time, swallowing as he did, until he felt Spike's wiry curls brush his chin. He found it hard to open his throat to the hard cock without choking, but he pushed his head further and further down, wanting to swallow Spike completely. Spike's hands on his head stopped his movements, and then Spike began to thrust into his mouth again. "I'm gonna come soon, pet," he said in a gravelly voice, "and I want you to swallow it all." Xander groaned as a bolt of lust shot through him, and Spike shuddered - so he did it again. His own cock was hard now, and he wished he could touch himself, but Spike had been quite specific about not doing so. Suddenly Spike was groaning and spurting down his throat. Xander swallowed reflexively, mildly surprised to feel his cock throbbing in sympathy - this whole thing was arousing him in a way he'd never felt before.
I'm on my knees in front of Spike. I've just sucked his cock, and swallowed his cum. And I enjoyed it. Xander tried out these new and alien thoughts. I want more, he decided, as Spike's cock softened a little and slipped from his lips. As though he had been privy to these thoughts, Spike said, "So you enjoyed sucking me, pet?" Xander nodded, "Yes, I..." he stopped, his language skills failing him. Spike smiled at him. "Hush, pet, no talking. Go and lie on the bed, there's a good boy."
Xander got up from his knees, and laid on his back on the bed, arms by his side. He watched Spike as he went to the side table and picked up some of the items there. Spike was naked, and Xander wondered how the hell he'd managed to get undressed so quickly. Spike walked over to the bed and looked down at Xander. He ran his finger up Xander's hard cock, swirling the precum around the tip. Xander groaned.
"You'd like to cum, wouldn't you pet?" said Spike. Xander merely nodded. "You will, but not just yet." He slipped a leather band around the base of Xander's cock, and secured it tightly. "This is a cock-ring. It'll keep you hard until I'm ready for you to cum. Like I said, you're mine now, pet, and you'll cum only when I say you can." Xander groaned again, and another blast of pheromones hit Spike. Definitely on the right track here, he thought. He then tied Xander's hands to the headboard with a silken rope, and told him to open his legs. Xander was so aroused he thought he'd die. He'd imagined this, sure, but this was so much better than his fantasies. This was real. This was happening.
Spike tossed a tube of lube onto the bed next to Xander, making sure he could see it, and walked around the bed. Xander's breathing became ragged as he focused on the tube. 'I'm not ready for this yet' he thought to himself. He raised panic-stricken eyes to Spike, who was kneeling between his legs. "Shhh, pet," said Spike, stroking his thigh, "no need to panic. I told you that when the time came you'd be ready, and you will. Bend your knees up, and put your feet flat on the bed."
Xander's back arched off the bed as he felt Spike's cool tongue lick up the length of his hot, aching cock, before plunging his mouth down, swallowing Xander in one stroke. "Fuck," hissed Xander through gritted teeth, as all coherent thought flew out of his head. The feeling of Spike licking and sucking his throbbing cock was overwhelming his senses, so it was a while before he noticed that something warm and wet was flowing over his balls and down his crack. "Wha..." He looked over, and saw the tube of lube was gone. Then he felt a cool finger, sliding down and circling his hole, rubbing across it, but not pressing in - yet.
Spike heard Xander's heartrate jump, and his breathing became even more ragged - felt me rubbing him and noticed the lube's gone, he thought. Might as well make a start, then. He swirled his finger around Xander's hole once more, and then plunged his finger inside. Xander arched off the bed again, groaning in a mixture of pleasure and pain. Spike stilled, and waited with bated breath for the chip to kick in - nothing. So far, so good.
"You OK, pet?" Spike asked. Xander just groaned and nodded slightly. "Hurts," he whispered, "hurts, but it's good." "Yeah, pet, I know. Makes the pleasure more intense, doesn't it," said Spike, as he began to pump his finger in and out. Xander nodded weakly as he gazed into Spike's eyes. After a minute or two, Spike removed his finger, added more lube, and then pushed two in as he deep-throated Xander again, pumping them slowly as the boy arched and moaned beneath him. Xander was sweating freely now, and thrashed his head from side to side. "Need to cum, Spike," he said, his voice hoarse and needy, "need to cum now..."
"Shhh, pet. Soon, very soon. You're almost ready for me." Spike withdrew his fingers again, added more lube, and this time thrust three in, hard, and then pumped them slowly while he licked and sucked Xander's dripping cock. Xander tensed all over at the burning pain he felt as his sphincter was forced open wider, as Spike spread his fingers out while he pumped. He groaned deeply. The pain/pleasure was driving him crazy; he was finding it hard to separate them now, and every now and then Spike seemed to hit something deep inside him that caused sparks to go off in his head.
Suddenly everything stopped, and Spike was untying him. "What... what's happening? Don't stop now, please. I need..."
"Not stopping pet. Getting ready to start, and I don't want you tied up when I fuck you for the first time. You will lie here and let me fuck you because you want to please me, not because you can't get away. There'll be other times when I'll tie you down to fuck you, but not tonight. The first time's always hard, pet. There's always pain when you break in a virgin. It'd be easier for you on your knees, but I need you on your back tonight. I think you can take it."
Spike's words made Xander shiver, and not simply because he'd used 'that' voice again. He licked his lips and swallowed. "I... I don't... please, I'm not..." His voice cracked, and he sounded so - desperate. The smell of fear mixed with arousal was a powerful aphrodisiac to Spike, who smiled, and stroked Xander's hair. "You really have no choice," he whispered, "it's what I want." He picked up one of the pillows that had fallen to the floor, and tucked it under Xander's hips. He spread Xander's thighs, moving his legs as far to each side as they would go. Somewhere in his head, Xander felt vaguely ridiculous, like a Thanksgiving turkey waiting to be stuffed. He could feel hysterical laughter bubbling up. Getting up and walking away never once crossed his mind.
Spike knelt between Xander's spread thighs, slowly lubricating his cock as Xander watched him, his eyes wide, panting in a mix of fear and lust. Spike wanted to draw this moment out, savour it. Taking Xander for the first time was something to be savoured. And if he was wrong about how far this fucking chip would let him go, well, he'd soon find out.
Spike placed the head of his cock at Xander's entrance. He pushed forward slightly, slipped the head into Xander's hole and stopped at his pained groan, letting him adjust. Spike knew he was big, and that he'd have to take this slowly. Taking his weight on his hands, Spike began to slowly rock forwards and backwards, watching Xander's face carefully. As he sank into the silken fire of his boy, he could see Xander biting his lip hard, muffling his sobs and groans as the pain of Spike's thick cock forcing its way inside him grew harder to take. Spike leant forward and licked Xander's chest, nibbling and sucking on his nipples as he continued to sink deeper and deeper into him. Suddenly, it seemed, he felt his balls press against Xander's arse. "You're inside me - you're right inside me," Xander croaked, gasping and panting against the pain as his muscles fought to adjust to the intrusion. It felt like a baseball bat had been driven into him. Spike sighed with relief. Not even a spark from the chip. "Yeah, pet, I'm inside you. And now I'm going to fuck you." He put his lips to Xander's ear and whispered, "Do you want me to feed from you as I fuck you, Xander?" Xander gasped as the words sparked through him like an electric shock - those words has haunted him, teasing and taunting him in his dreams. He groaned, and admitted what he couldn't the first time Spike had asked. "Yes. Please."
Spike felt a shudder run through him upon hearing Xander's words. Placing his hands on either side of Xander's head, he pulled out, and thrust in hard. Xander was shaking and moaning beneath him, drowning in the sensations wracking his body; the stretching, burning pain and the desperate need to cum. Spike continued to thrust, changing the angle several times until Xander arched and cried out as Spike hit his sweet spot. Found it, thought Spike to himself, as he began to thrust against it again and again. Xander was thrusting back against Spike now, tossing his head from side to side and moaning constantly. Spike slammed his cock deeply into Xander, faster and harder, as he felt his climax approaching. Xander was muttering incoherently now, but Spike could make out the pleas and the begging to be allowed to cum.
Spike leant further forward, still thrusting, to nuzzle at Xander's neck, nipping and licking, then he reached down to loosen the cock-ring, and pulled it off. Spike was very close now, and knew that Xander would cum any second. It was time. He wrapped his hand firmly around Xander's cock and, changing into game face, he sank his fangs into Xander's neck, just above where it met his shoulder. At the same time he slammed himself deeply into Xander as Xander thrust hard into his hand.
Xander howled and arched himself against Spike; the rock hard cock slamming into him, the sharp fangs deep in his flesh and the feel of Spike sucking as he fed from him drove him over the edge, and his orgasm hit him with the force of a hurricane. Waves of pleasure washed over him again and again, and he felt his hot cum pumping onto his stomach as Spike continued to slam into him. Suddenly he felt Spike spasming above him, and pulses of cool cum bathed and cooled his burning insides. After a minute or two, Spike gently withdrew his fangs, licking at his mark, soothing and healing it. His softening cock slipped out of Xander's hole, and he fell onto his side next to the boy, who was still panting and gasping for air. As Xander's breathing quietened, Spike pulled him into his arms and kissed him softly. He licked away his tears, nibbled gently at his lips, licking until Xander parted them, and then kissed him again, slowly and deeply, swirling his tongue around, exploring. Xander could taste his own blood, and found himself responding, kissing Spike with every bit of passion he'd repressed for so long. Spike drew his head back to gaze into Xander's eyes. Then he pulled him close, resting Xander's head on his chest, gently stroking his hair. The look he had seen in Xander's eyes was one of contentment and happiness. Xander lay quietly in Spike's arms, gradually drifting off to sleep. Spike could have sworn he heard Xander mumble 'love you' as he nuzzled his chest. Spike's last thought as he drifted off, still petting Xander's hair was, "Mine."