SECRETS AND SACRIFICES
by Edibbea
Notes

 

It was almost 2 a.m. by the time they finally set off for LA. Spike had insisted that Xander sit and eat a proper meal while he packed his bag for him. Then, just as they were heading out the door, Xander decided that he wasn't listening to punk music all the way to LA, and walked back into the loungeroom. He scooped up a handful of the CDs he'd bought earlier and shoved them into one of the carrier bags that were still lying on the floor by the couch. Spike had followed him into the loungeroom, and Xander saw him pick up the two small jewellery cases from where they'd fallen on the floor, and place them on the coffee table. Spike raised his eyes and winced slightly as he caught Xander's gaze.

"Xander, I'm..."

"Sorry. Yeah, I know. You said." Xander watched as Spike's shoulders slumped a little. He sighed. Stepped closer to Spike and took his left hand, stroking the wedding ring on Spike's finger with his thumb. Spike looked at his hand, then lifted his eyes to meet Xander's gaze again.

"Maybe traditional vows would have been more appropriate. Y'know, for better or worse? I love you, Spike. We'll work it out, together, one way or the other. And anyway, I guess it was my fault, in a way. I was trying to provoke a reaction from you. Guess it worked." He leaned forward and placed a light kiss on Spike's lips. "C'mon, we'd better get going if we want to be in LA before dawn."

*****

"Xander? Wake up, love, we're here."

"Wha...?" Xander stifled a yawn and blearily opened his eyes. Damn, he'd wanted to talk to Spike on the way here. He'd only meant to rest his eyes for a moment. Xander gazed out the window at the brightly-lit hotel forecourt. "Deadboy lives here?"

"No, pet. It's almost dawn. We're gonna book into a room here and get some sleep. We'll go see him tonight."

"Oh." Xander fumbled his way out of the car and followed Spike into the hotel. He leaned against the reception desk and must have dozed off again, as the next thing he knew he was being steered gently into the lift. "Sorry, Spike, I just..." he was cut off by a jaw-stretching yawn, and Spike chuckled. An arm was wrapped around his waist, and Spike half carried him to their room. Xander vaguely heard voices and felt himself being undressed before he sank back into the warm arms of sleep again.

The next time Xander opened his eyes, he could see slivers of light trying to creep past the edges of the heavy curtains drawn across the windows of the bedroom. A glance at the clock on the bedside table told him it 12:57 - in the afternoon, presumably. Xander felt slightly hungover, which seemed a little unfair as he hadn't been drunk. A disturbing giggle in a corner of his mind pointed out that he actually had been drunk, by Spike. With the somewhat surreal vision of himself as a bottle of beer floating around in his head, he decided that he really needed a shower and something to eat. He carefully got out of bed, trying not to disturb Spike, who seemed to be sound asleep, and wandered into the bathroom. His toothbrush and toiletries were laid out, so Spike had obviously taken the time to unpack a little after putting him to bed. Xander showered and shaved, and started to feel a little more alive.

Xander got dressed and left the bedroom. Spike had got them a suite. Bedroom, ensuite bathroom and lounge area. Nice. He just wished he was in the mood to appreciate it. He felt unsettled, jittery. He needed to get out, get some fresh air, maybe, clear his head. Xander found his wallet, watch, keys and a keycard for the hotel room sitting in a pile on the coffee table. As he picked them up, he saw that the piece of paper they were sitting on was a note from Spike. The copperplate script informed him that there was a restaurant in the hotel that Xander could use to get lunch, or that he could order room service if he wanted, and that he was loved very much. Xander smiled, folded the paper carefully and placed it in his wallet. As he did, he noticed the other piece of paper he'd tucked in there - the one with Angel's address and phone number on it. He'd spotted this information last time he was at Giles' apartment, and had hastily scribbled it down, not really knowing why he was doing so, but figuring it might come in useful.

Xander wrote a quick note for Spike, saying he was going out to eat and then look around for a couple of hours, grabbed his jacket and left.

*****

After a hastily eaten lunch, Xander left the hotel with the vague idea of possibly going to see Angel, maybe. The doorman asked if he wanted a cab, and the next thing Xander knew he was on his way to the address on the piece of paper he was still clutching in his hand.

As he paid off the cab, Xander wondered what on earth he was doing there. He really hadn't thought this through. He should just go back to the hotel and -

"Xander? Is that you?"

"Cordy?" He'd forgotten. Buffy had told them that Cordelia was working for Angel now. And some other guy, couldn't remember his name, though.

"What are you doing here? And, wow, looking so good, too! Who is she?"

"What? She? Who?"

"Your new girlfriend." Xander stared blankly at Cordelia.

"I don't have a girlfriend, Cordy," said Xander, slowly. Okay, his headache was coming back again, with a vengeance. He had no idea why Cordelia was suddenly so interested in his sex life, or even why he was still standing there. He should hail a cab, get back to the hotel.

"Oh, please. You suddenly look like something that stepped out of GQ and you expect me to believe there's not a woman involved in this transformation?" Cordelia looked him up and down and then suddenly squealed, grabbing hold of his left hand. "Is that a wedding ring, Xander Harris?"

"Yeah, I..." Damn. Wrong answer. Cordelia dropped his hand and swatted at his arm.

"You got married and didn't tell me! You are in so much trouble, mister. Right, inside now. We can have coffee, and I want to know everything. I want details."

Cordelia sailed into the building and through the office, towing a reluctant Xander in her wake, and he soon found himself sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee.

"So, spill. Who is she? When did you get married? Buffy never mentioned it. Are you living in LA now or just visiting?"

Xander raised his hands in a 'fending off' gesture. "Cordy, I really can't talk to you about this right now. It's... it's not what you think. It's..." He took a deep breath. "Cordy, I'm gay. I'm married to a guy." Cordelia's mouth dropped open, and for the first time in his life, Xander Harris managed to stun Cordelia Chase into silence. Xander would have given anything for a camera right at that moment, as Cordelia did a credible impersonation of a goldfish for several seconds. But it could never be said that Queen C. did not know how to rise to an occasion. She suddenly flashed him a brilliant smile. "Well, I suppose that explains the clothes." At Xander's look of confusion, she continued, "He's obviously got much better dress sense that you."

"Yeah. Yeah, he does," said Xander, smiling. Cordelia studied his face for a moment as he thought about Spike.

"Damn, you're really in love, aren't you? I'm happy for you, Xander. Though I shouldn't be surprised you're gay, really. I mean, I'm a hard act to follow, aren't I?" Xander snorted at this, and they both burst out laughing.

"You live here?" said Xander, looking around the kitchen, desperately trying to change the subject before the topic of exactly who he was married to could be raised.

"Hell no! Me living in a basement? Please. This is Angel's. We work out of the office upstairs, but I'm having lunch. And talking to you. Anyway, not like we're rushed off our feet. Wes usually gets the phone if anyone calls while I'm at lunch, but he's off researching something all day, or so he says. I think he just wanted Saturday off, you know?"

"Wes?"

"Yeah, you know, Watcher guy from Sunnydale? Took off after the whole 'Mayor tried to eat us all' thing? Well, he showed up here, and Angel hired him. We needed the extra help since Doyle..." Her voice trailed off. At Xander's inquiring look, she explained, "Doyle was working with Angel when I first met them here. He... he died. Saving a lot of people. I miss him." Xander reached across the table and took Cordelia's hand, squeezing it slightly. Cordelia seemed to shake herself, then the bright smile was back. "But hey, anyway, so, husband, huh? Is that why you're in LA? Shopping? Or are you moving here? And when do I get to meet him?"

"No. No shopping or anything, Cordy. Actually, I'm here to um, see De...Angel. Need to talk to him about something." The bright smile changed to a look of surprise, which changed to suspicion almost immediately.

"Why? Is something wrong? Did Buffy send you?"

"No! No, nothing like that. I just need to talk to him."

"You do? Okay, Xander, what's going on? You've never just wanted to talk to Angel." Cordelia leaned back in her chair and folded her arms. "Okay, mister, spill."

"I can't. Cordy, this is something..." Xander bit his lip and picked up his coffee mug with both hands to still their fidgeting. "It's personal. It's something only he can help me with, okay? Look, is he around? I can come back later. In fact, why don't I just go, and I can call another time -"

"No need. I'm right here."

Xander froze. His heart seemed to stop for a second and then start again with a thump that he swore everyone in the room could hear. He looked over to the doorway to see Angel watching him, his face expressionless.

"Cordy. Things are pretty quiet at the moment. Why don't you take the rest of the day off. I'm sure you can find something else to do. There's a sale on at Neiman Marcus, didn't you say?"

As Xander watched Cordelia, he could see her wavering. Much as she wanted to know what was going on, a Neiman Marcus sale was always going to win, Xander knew her at least that well. But Angel wasn't going to get rid of her that easily. Her eyes narrowed as she turned to Angel.

"Yes, and since when did you care about sales? Anyway, even at sale prices, I can't afford anything decent on the pittance you pay me. And I still have some things to do around here." Angel reached into his pocket with a long-suffering air.

"Well, I was going to suggest a small bonus, but if you're too busy..."

She waved her hand at him. "Never mind, I can take a hint. I'm going. I know you just want me out of the way. But I'm going to find out what's going on, you know. One of you will tell me. Xander, phone me later. Angel can give you my number." With that parting salvo, Cordelia deftly slipped the cash out of Angel's hand and headed back up to the office. "Lock up on your way out," he called after her as he closed the door and then turned to look at Xander.

"So, it's you. I should have known. Where is he?" There didn't seem to be any need to ask what Angel was talking about. They both knew. Something in Xander rebelled, though.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Angel. I really should go. Maybe I can check out that sale with Cordy, you know? Carry her bags or something," said Xander, as he began to stand up. Angel skewered him with a sharp glance, and Xander found himself dropping back into his seat. Angel gave him a pitying look.

"Aside from the fact that I can smell him all over you, Xander, I can sense the demon. Want to try again?"

"Um, he's at the hotel. He doesn't know I'm here," sighed Xander. Then his eyes widened. He could have sworn he saw Angel slip into game face, just for a second... Angel smiled. Xander felt a shock of recognition run through him for which he had absolutely no rational explanation. But something in the man standing watching him called to something in Xander. He began to feel very uncomfortable.

"I bet he doesn't." Angel walked towards Xander, then moved behind him, putting his hands on his shoulders, holding him in place when Xander tried to stand. "No, stay." Angel bent down, breathed in deeply, then pushed Xander's collar aside. He ran his fingers over the claim mark, and the fingers of his other hand dug into Xander's shoulder when Xander shuddered and tried to move away.

"So, you came to LA to see me. Want to tell me why, or shall I guess?" Angel released Xander's shoulders as he spoke, then sat in the chair that Cordelia had just vacated.

"Spike needs... We've got a problem."

"Yeah, I imagine you do," Angel said, that uncomfortably scary-looking smile back on his face. "Spike never was one for paying attention to his lessons. Taking a human as a Consort isn't something you do without making sure you understand exactly what is involved. Leave it to Spike to screw it up. I would say, what was he thinking? But this is Spike we're talking about - so I don't suppose a lot of thought was involved."

"How did you...?"

"How did I know? Blood calls to blood, Xander, he's my Childe. Of course I knew. I didn't know who until you walked in here. I should have guessed, though."

Xander glared at Angel. "Doesn't matter. So, what, something went wrong with the bonding?"

"Not as such. It's just not complete, not until the Admittance ritual is performed by me. Spike's demon needs its Sire's approval, demands its Sire acknowledge his Consort as Childe, protect you, give you status. You don't fully belong to him without it. The ritual should have been done within days of your bonding. I'm impressed with Spike's self-control. I'd have expected him to have turned you by now."

A shudder went through Xander as he remembered what had happened yesterday. Angel raised an eyebrow. "I see. That's what prompted the visit, is it?"

"Um, yeah, but just to ask you what's going on. Not to do that Sire ritual thing, you know?" This statement was obviously hilarious, because Angel burst out laughing.

"Well, I'm glad you find it amusing," said Xander coldly.

"Xander, the 'Sire ritual thing', as you so eloquently put it, isn't optional. I thought I made that clear. Your bond with my idiot Childe isn't complete without it. If the ritual isn't performed, soon, Spike will turn you, probably within the next few days. It's the only other way to complete the bond."

"But... but we read something, in a book, said we had a year, and..."

"Book? Not Wisthorpe?" At Xander's hesitant nod, Angel snorted. "Small blue book, talks about the Lore? He was an idiot. Didn't have a clue what he was talking about. He wrote about what happened between vampires, and assumed it was the same. The ritual is symbolic between vampires. That's not the case when a human is involved. Nobody bothered correcting him, though; the less the Watchers know, the better. Did Giles give you the book?" At Xander's nod, he continued, "You told them then, about you and Spike? Well, you'd have to, wouldn't you? The Slayer would have sensed it straight away. You're lucky she didn't try to stake you."

"She did. Giles and Willow stopped her."

Angel burst out laughing again. "Doesn't surprise me. The Slayer's not that bright, though she's easy on the eye, I'll give her that."

Not Buffy. The Slayer. Shit, shit, shit.

"Angelus?" Xander wished his voice didn't sound so squeaky all of a sudden. He slowly stood and started backing away from the table, his eyes searching for possible weapons.

"Very good, Xander. Wondered when you'd get it. You felt it earlier, didn't you? But you're not good at reading the demon yet, are you? Oh, I don't keep sharp, wooden objects in the kitchen, by the way, and there's no possible way you could get to the door before me, so you may as well sit down and get comfortable."

"When did you... I mean, how..." Xander gave up. Coherent thought just wasn't winning the battle with the panicky Xander-babble running through his head. He slumped back down into the chair. Spike. He wanted Spike. He concentrated hard on his mate and felt his concerned presence at the back of his mind. He'd woken Spike, but... damn - Spike would know he was worried, but not why... He remembered his cell phone. Casually slipping his hand into his jacket pocket, he wrapped his fingers around the small phone. He was just trying to work out how to call Spike without Angelus hearing when the phone started making its merry chirping noise. Fuck it, Spike got the phone idea first.

"I'll take that." A strong hand grasped Xander's wrist and slipped the phone from his unresisting fingers. Angelus pressed a button on the small object and pressed it to his ear. Xander opened his mouth to protest, but a glare from Angelus had him snapping his mouth shut again huffily.

"No, not Xander. Hello, Spike. I seem to have something of yours...again. Don't seem to be able to hold on to your possessions for very long, do you? Tsk tsk, very careless, my boy. Things can get broken that way." He held the phone away from his ear, and Xander could hear the shouting from where he was sitting. Angelus grinned at him as he pressed the end call button and put the phone down on the table. Ten second later the chirping started again. Xander had counted to 20 before Angelus pressed the answer button. The shouting was clearly heard again, and Angelus simply left the phone on the table until it stopped. He then picked it up and put it to his ear again.

"All finished? You really need to show proper respect when talking to your Sire, boy, or have you forgotten everything I taught you? No. Not a word, Spike, or I hang up now." Xander clearly heard the incredulous 'Angelus?' from Spike as Angelus moved the phone away from his ear. After a few seconds, Angelus put the phone back to his ear. "Are you listening? Good. I'm at the apartment. You know where that is, don't you? In fact I vividly recall your last visit. Be here at sunset." Angelus pressed the off button, and then casually flung the phone across the room, where it smashed against the far wall.

"There now, much better. No more interruptions for a while. Now, where were we? Oh, yes, I remember. We were talking about the ritual. But you know, I think I've done enough talking for a while. I think we need to get to know each other in a more...hands on way. Practical demonstration of Sire's Rights, now that you're family."

Xander jerked to his feet, sending his chair skittering backwards across the floor.

"Um, I, er, need to use the bathroom. Yeah, the bathroom. I'll just, er..." He started backing towards the kitchen door. A sudden blur of motion and Xander found his back slammed against the door. The smile on Angelus' face was predatory, and Xander's stomach dropped. As Xander tried to push Angelus away, his wrists were grabbed and pinned to the door above his head, Angelus holding them in place easily with one hand.

"Uh uh, Xander. You don't move." Angelus was plastered against Xander, pushing his knee between his legs, forcing them apart.

"What the fuck... Angel, stop..."

"Angel? He wouldn't have even started. Shh, Xander. Relax, you'll enjoy this. Trust me." Panic flooded through Xander. Oh God, Oh God, Spike, please...

Angelus nuzzled Xander's neck. Cool lips brushed his ear. "I can smell him on you, smell his claim. I felt your bonding, you know. I wondered how long it would be until you came to... see me." Xander was feeling light-headed. The adrenaline that had surged through him had left him feeling buzzy and jittery. And...and the something inside him that had surged at recognising Angelus suddenly surged forward again, and Xander found himself moaning and pushing into Angelus' touch, needing, wanting the contact with his Sire... Angelus' fingers were efficiently unbuttoning and unzipping him as his lips returned to Xander's neck, his tongue licking and teasing the claim mark, which had the usual effect on his treacherous cock.

"Sensitive, isn't it. I'll bet I can make you come just by licking it," Angelus said, attempting a practical demonstration. Xander swallowed hard and tried to stifle the groan as Angelus licked and nibbled on the scar, causing Xander's knees to buckle. Sire... Xander shook his head. What the hell was going on? He didn't want Deadboy, didn't even like him. And any second now, he was gonna feel fangs... So why was he panting like a bitch on heat and hard as rock? Why did he feel like he belonged here? He tried to clear his mind, but his body didn't seem to want to co-operate, demanding that the few still-coherent brain cells just give up and go with the flow.

"Please. Angelus, please..."

"Please what, Xander? Stop? Or don't stop," whispered Angelus. "Or do this..." Angelus wrapped his hand around Xander's cock and started to pump him slowly. He ran his tongue down the length of Xander's throat, then licked across the scar several times before bringing his lips to the mark and then biting down with blunt teeth. Xander cried out and thrust into the cool hand as he came, hard. Angelus released his hold and Xander slid down the door, to slump in a boneless heap on the floor.

He sat there, eyes closed, panting, trying to steady his breathing as he felt himself flush with embarrassment. When he finally opened his eyes, he saw Angelus standing over him, and he stared as Angelus brought his hand up to his lips and licked away the semen.

"You taste good, Xander. I must be sure to mention that when Spike gets here."

"What?" Xander turned pale. Angelus just smirked at him.

"Did you seriously think he wouldn't know? Leaving aside the fact that he'd smell it, Xander, you're bonded to him. He knew as soon as you did."

Xander swallowed hard. "You bastard. You did this to get at Spike."

"Maybe. And really, you could be a little more grateful, Xander. I'm wounded, really. I give you a hand job and that's all the thanks I get? I could have been much more - demanding. And you'd have given me anything I wanted, wouldn't you?"

Xander dropped his head, staring at the floor. He would have. He'd have done anything Angelus wanted. "Why?" he whispered.

Angelus sighed. He reached down and pulled Xander to his feet. "Bathroom's through there. Get yourself cleaned up, boy. I see I need to explain some things to you."

Angelus turned away and headed over to the kitchen counter, getting out two mugs and pouring them both some coffee. Oh, Spike, I'm so sorry, I should never have come on my own, Xander thought, willing his regret through the link as he headed to the bathroom. The feelings of reassurance and love that were returned to him were tinged with concern, and Xander swallowed hard to clear the lump that suddenly rose in his throat.

*****

Angelus placed a cup of coffee in front of Xander as he slumped into the kitchen chair. He'd locked himself in the bathroom, and had only come out when Angelus had threatened to smash the door down and drag him out. "Here, drink this." Angelus sat down and took a sip of his coffee. Xander ignored his, sitting and staring at the table top instead. He was totally confused. Part of him was gibbering that he was sharing coffee with Angelus, for fuck's sake, and that the rest of his life could probably be counted in minutes on the fingers of one hand, while the rest of him was purring happily. Xander waved a mental white flag and gave up. No point trying to make sense of anything in his life any more. He'd just sit there and wait for the axe to fall.

"Xander, do you understand what happened to you when you bonded with Spike?"

Xander raised his eyes and saw Angelus watching him with a look of... concern? He dropped his eyes to the table top again, picked up a teaspoon lying there and starting fiddling with it nervously.

"Um, Spike said... I need his blood, and that drinking it would change me. I'd share his demon. I'd be stronger, heal faster, age more slowly." He dropped the spoon with a clatter and picked up the coffee, grimacing as he took a mouthful of the bitter fluid. Angelus pushed the sugar across to him. Xander picked up the spoon and heaped sugar into the cup.

"Did he explain what it meant, exactly, to be sharing his demon?"

"Um, no, not really," answered Xander slowly. Angelus nodded slightly, a wry expression on his face.

"Figures. He's probably not sure himself. How are you feeling at the moment?"

"What?" Xander had no idea how to cope with this new caring, sharing Angelus. Angelus trying to kill him, yeah, that was normal. But this? He shook his head. "I... I'm scared to death, like you didn't know. Except, I'm sorta not, really. Part of me wants to run screaming for the nearest stake, but the other part..." his voice trailed off. This was just too bizarre.

"The other part wants its Sire," said Angelus. Xander stared at Angelus in shock. Yes, it did... "The other part wants me to touch it, wants me to possess it, wants to be mine, yes?" said Angelus, his voice lowering as he spoke. Christ, he was doing the voice thing, like Spike did. "God, yeah," breathed Xander. Then his eyes widened as he slapped his hand across his mouth. Xander groaned and dropped his head into his hands. "Fuck, did I say that out loud?" he said.

"Oh yeah," said Angelus, grinning at him. "That's the part of Spike that you share, you're feeling the demon's reactions to being with its Sire. You can't fight it, Xander, and it's a good idea not to try. You should be learning how to use it. It's what gives you your strength and agility, and it has a lot of knowledge and experience of the demon world. It can save your life in a tricky situation. I can teach you a sort of meditation technique you can use to help you integrate the demon more fully. You need to learn this. And the experience will be invaluable when Spike -" Angelus' paused, and his expression became serious. "Did he talk to you about being turned?"

Xander nodded. "Yeah. Well, he said it was up to me, if he did or not, turn me, y'know, but I kinda figured that it wasn't, not really." He looked up at Angelus, who was nodding at him. "That's okay, though. I've told him yes, just - just not yet, y'know? I'm not ready, yet. But...but I will be, one day, yeah..." Xander's halting words trailed off as he stared at his hands. He was nervously twisting his wedding ring, pulling it half off his finger and then pushing it back on again. Angelus sighed.

"Hmm. Look, you need to come to terms with this, Xander. Because he will turn you. But probably not for a long time, yet. The longer you're human, sharing his demon, the stronger you'll be as a vampire, and the more of yourself you'll retain You'll be so used to being integrated with a demon that you'll barely notice the difference, or so I've been told."

"You know other people who've done this?"

"A few. Not many, it's not common. But given sufficient time before turning, they say they really feel very little difference. And not one of them has regretted it, Xander." Xander nodded, then picked up his cup and drained it. Angelus' voice was so gentle and caring, and it was confusing the hell out of him. Before he could stop himself, he blurted out, "Why are you being like this? Why are you being nice to me, now?"

Angelus snorted. He stood up and picked up the coffee cups, refilling them then placing one in front of Xander. He put his own cup down, tilted Xander's chin up so he could look him in the eyes, then slowly leaned forward and dropped a kiss on his lips.

"Because, even though the bond is still not complete, you are virtually my Childe. And I do love and care for my Childer... well, when I'm myself, anyway."

"Oh. Right. Um, when did you... I mean, Angel, is he..." Xander stopped, took a deep breath. "If the soul's gone, why are we all still alive?" he blurted out. His common sense was screaming at him to shut up and not draw attention to this fact, but Xander was tired of this. First Spike, now Angelus. Enough.

"Who said it had gone? The soul's still here, Xander. Contrary to what you humans seem to believe, Angelus hasn't gone anywhere. Angel isn't somebody different. He's just me with the soul affecting my behaviour. It forces me to act as though I were human - no, more than that. As though I were a 'good' human. It makes me feel guilty for the things I've done in the past, and forces me to atone. It makes me hate what I am, and hate those I created..." Angelus' voice trailed off, and he stared into his coffee. Xander sat silently, contemplating the plight of the creature before him, feeling a pity he'd never imagined he'd ever feel at the evident self-loathing.

After a minute or so, Angelus sighed, took a sip of his coffee, then began speaking again, almost as though to himself. "To loathe what you are; to feel you have to apologise for your existence continually; to know you can never, ever atone for your sins but that you are ceaselessly, remorselessly driven to try. Not something I'd wish on anyone." Angelus stopped speaking again, then raised his head and looked Xander in the eye. "The bonding ritual that you and Spike went through, it's ancient, blood magick, Xander. And its call to my blood is powerful, powerful enough to significantly lessen the influence of the soul on me while you're so close. Which is fortunate for all of us, I suppose, particularly you."

"Why? I mean, why me in particular?"

"Because it means I can offer you a choice that I otherwise couldn't. Think very carefully before you answer this question, Xander. Do you want to be bonded to Spike, permanently, knowing what that means? Knowing you'll be turned? Live out the rest of your existence as a soulless demon?"

Xander snorted humourlessly. "Bit late to be asking me that now. Not like I've got a choice, is it? We're mated; I literally can't live without him any more, I know that much."

"That's not strictly true. That's why I'm asking. There is one other option, and this really is your last chance to take it. But whichever way you decide, understand that it's irrevocable, you can't change your mind afterwards."

Xander stared at Angelus, a shocked expression on his face. "But...but Spike said it was permanent, and the book..."

"Oh, please. Don't quote that damn book at me again," Angelus said, wearily.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it that way, I just... It's a shock, that's all. I'd sort of settled it in my own mind, y'know? Thought I'd blown up all my bridges..." Xander picked up the teaspoon and started to tap it nervously on the table top while his mind raced. He loved Spike, he wanted to be with him. But the whole turning thing still scared him. If there was a way out of that... No, it couldn't be that easy. There had to be a catch of some sort. "If I said no, I don't want to be bonded, could I still stay with Spike? Even if we weren't mated like that?"

"That wouldn't be possible. You either have to stay with him as his Consort, with everything that entails, or you have to live without him, Xander."

"Why? I mean, he probably wouldn't be happy about it at first, but he couldn't stay mad at me for that long, surely? I mean, he'd get over it, right?" Xander was rambling, he knew it, but Angelus just stared at him. There was something in his expression that sent a shiver down Xander's spine. Xander got the distinct impression he was missing something here. "Hang on a sec. You said you could offer me a choice that you otherwise couldn't, right? Why?"

"Because if I had no soul to stop me, the ritual to complete your bonding would already have taken place. And if the soul were fully in control, I'd have been planning to dissolve the bond as soon as I discovered that it was a human Spike had bonded with. My conscience wouldn't allow me to complete the bond that would tie you to a demon and guarantee your death at the hands of that demon. But as things stand, I'm capable of doing either, and as Spike's Sire, I'm responsible, so I'm gonna have to live with one more death on my conscience, either way."

"Oh." Xander sat, thinking about Angelus' words for a moment, then said, "What do you mean, one more death either way? Just exactly how would you dissolve this bond?"

"I'd dust Spike, and then I'd form a blood bond with you. I'd do my best to keep you alive, and gradually wean you off my blood. There's a very good chance you'd survive - the secondary bond is one of the reasons for the Admittance ritual."

Xander gasped. He felt as though he'd been punched in the gut.

"What! Fuck, no! You keep away from him, Angelus. I won't let you anywhere near him, you bastard." Xander had shot to his feet, and was looming menacingly over Angelus, his fists clenched. Angelus raised his hands in a conciliatory gesture.

"Xander. Calm down. I told you, it's your choice." Xander's mouth was set in a grim line as he searched Angelus' face, as though looking for clues as to his intentions. "Xander, sit down," said Angelus softly. Xander slowly returned to his seat, his eyes never leaving Angelus' face.

"My choice." Xander spat the words at Angelus. "What sort of choice is that?"

"The only choice you have. Whether you were fully aware of the consequences of bonding with a vampire or not, Xander, you did it of your own free will. Normally that's the end of it. I'm offering you a final get out of jail free card, and only because the soul is insisting that I do." Angelus morphed into game face. "Take a good look, Xander. I'm a demon. Spike's a demon. This will be the face that you won't be able to see when you look in a mirror a few years from now, if we perform the ritual today; or a few days from now if we don't. You will be a vampire. Denying, avoiding and sidestepping the issue won't make it go away. The only way to do that is to dust Spike. This. Is. Real. This will happen. To you. So choose."

 

SECRETS AND SACRIFICES II

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